Learning Curve: Get real about college

By Maureen Downey

Among the early campus dispatches that friends and family have shared with me from their first-semester college students:

● A young woman complains about a roommate who stumbles back to the room noisy and drunk on a frequent basis.

● Another laments that her roommate has had high school pals camping out in their room every weekend. They’ve depleted her private stash of ramen noodles.

● One teenager comes home most weekends, saying there’s nothing to do on his campus of 25,000 people.

Not to worry, says Harlan Cohen, author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College.” It’s all normal, he says.

“Students are so ill-prepared for the difficult stuff that they and their parents think something is wrong when they are not happy right away,” he says. “It is not going to sell admissions, but what colleges should be saying to students is, ‘Come to this university and be uncomfortable for two years.’ That is the more realistic picture.”

Cohen contends that college is 90 percent amazing and 10 percent challenging for most kids. The problem is that too many young adults don’t know how to cope with the rough patches, such as incompatible roommates.

It’s about now — two months into the college experience — that kids start to complain of homesickness and to express doubts about their college choice.

Cohen was one of them, eventually transferring from the University of Wisconsin to Indiana University.

“I had such a difficult first year at a college that was known to be fun,” he says. “When you have a bad year at a fun school, you feel that much more a loser.”

His problems, says Cohen, were like those of other lost students. “I didn’t connect with people on my dorm floor. I didn’t know that for some students, it takes a long time to create connections. I didn’t know that if a student isn’t a little bit depressed at times or having a hard time now and then, something is wrong.”

The homesickness that may be surfacing now is a symptom of a student’s failure to find connections, he says. Because college movies and Facebook depict campus life as a lark, students expect the fun and the friends to come easily.

They don’t, says Cohen.

“Often, a student doesn’t know how to get involved. Or they’re afraid to talk to people or walk in a room where they don’t know anybody,” he says.

This uneasiness often pushes kids to drink. “They are able to talk to people when they’re drunk. They worry less about what people think,” he says.

Students need to understand that a period of discomfort at college is normal, and that building the sorts of close relationships they enjoyed with high school pals will take time.

“They need to give themselves a semester instead of two weeks to make connections, or two years instead of one,” he says.

Among Cohen’s recommendations:

● Accept that a roommate is just someone with whom you share space. They will not likely be your bff. “The only responsibility is that person respects your space, your stuff and you,” he says.

● If your roommate does something that is too discomforting — the nakedness alluded to in the title of Cohen’s book, for example — he urges kids to speak up. “As a general rule, someone will be naked at some time,” he says. “It’s the law of roommate living. Address the undress or accept the naked truth.”

● Before you assume that your college is a mismatch and begin the transfer process, do some self-evaluation. “Did you consider what your college experience would be and where you would go to make that happen? You have to ask why am I here and where will I find my place,” he says. “And you have to ask if are you running from something or running toward something in transferring.”

● For the homesick student who wants to come home a lot, Cohen urges restraint on the part of parents. “Tell them you want to see them, but it’s too soon and let’s pick a date,” he says. Limit communication to once-a-day texting, rather than all day long.

● If the depression is lasting, get help. Because parents are in closer contact with their kids today, they have become the first responders when problems appear.

Parents ought to know the campus resources — visit the health center during parent weekends to figure out what’s available — and point the way for your child.

While Cohen’s own children are still toddlers, he speaks on campuses across the country and has an active college social network.

“I haven’t had an 18-year-old crying to me. I have had a 3-year-old crying,” he says. “I let her cry because I know she will get through it. What I have seen of 18-year-olds and 20-year-olds is that they will get through it, too.”