Election Day can’t arrive fast enough for television viewers

What I hear in the U.S. Senate ad war:

5:58 p.m.: “Hi, this is Jim Martin. Saxby Chambliss voted to fund the war in Iraq. He took your money and spent it to appease the warmonger George W. Bush. He also rebroadcast the Falcons game without the expressed, written consent of the NFL. Vote for Jim Martin.”

5:58 1/2 p.m.: “Hi, this is Saxby Chambliss. Jim Martin voted the largest tax increase in the history of the world and then voted to increase his salary. I’m pretty sure he went wee-wee on the governor’s bushes after that. Vote for Saxby Chambliss.”

6:05 p.m.: “Jim Martin says he’ll control spending. Really? He voted to increase the tax on beer kegs! Yes, BEER KEGS! Not only that, Jim Martin voted to increase Vernon Jones’s security staff from eight to 165. Jim Martin hates puppies! Vote for Saxby Chambliss.”

6:05 1/2 p.m.: “Saxby Chambliss killed Elvis! Vote for Jim Martin.”

6:17 p.m.: “Hi, this is Jim Martin. If you take Saxby Chambliss and spell his first name backwards, it’s Ybxas. The sign of the DEVIL! Ybxas means ‘He without any conscience and perhaps six toes on one foot.’ Vote for Jim Martin.”

6:17 1/2 p.m.: “This is Saxby Chambliss and I approve this ad. Jim Martin voted for the designated hitter rule in the American League and effectively destroyed all that is sacred in baseball. Not only that, he started the rumor that fresh water mussels were endangered and is responsible for all the water loss in Lake Lanier. Jim Martin hates Bobby Cox! Vote for Saxby Chambliss.”

6:26 p.m.: “Hi folks, this is Jim Martin. Saxby Chambliss has hair plugs! Not only that, he’s so dumb, he voted for financial aid to Japan because he thought Godzilla was real! Man, that guy is dumb! Vote for Jim Martin.”

6:26 1/2 p.m.: “Good evening. I know you’re probably tired of the political rhetoric and mud-slinging these negative ads portray. I’ve asked Jim Martin to put aside political character assassination and deal with the facts, the things he or I could do for you, the constituent in our district. I’m asking for your vote for Saxby Chambliss. By the way, Jim Martin looks like Walter Brennan in those silly glasses and goofy hair. Vote for Saxby Chambliss.”

6:28 p.m.: “I’m Jim Martin. I heard what Saxby Chambliss said. I don’t resemble Walter Brennan in the least. Look, Saxby Chambliss played poker with Fidel Castro and he sure does look a lot like D.B. Cooper, doesn’t he? Saxby Chambliss once had a mullet! Vote for Jim Martin.”

6:28 1/2 p.m.: I’m Saxby Chambliss. Jim Martin wets the bed. Vote for Saxby Chambliss.”

6:28 3/4 p.m.: I’m Jim Martin. Who the hell names their kid Saxby? My name is Jim! All-American Jim! Saxby? What’s that all about? Saxby? Named after what? A sack? Saxophone? Oh yeah! Sad Saxby! Yeah, come on Sad Saxby!! Vote for Jim Martin.”

Please let Nov. 4. get here so we can watch TV again.

> Steve Rose writes ajc.com’s View from the Cop blog, featuring crime reports and more than occasional humor.