'House of Wax': It's certainly not Shakespeare

Paris Hilton does not completely screw up House Of Wax. I realize that this is not exactly a ringing endorsement. But it's all I got.

I admit to being flummoxed over the near-top billing of the often half-dressed heiress (former 24 ditz-in-distress Elisha Cuthbert is the actual star). But I won't bother wringing my professional columnist hands in some self-righteous fit, debating Miss Hilton's qualifications to be a movie star.

Warner Bros. Pictures 'House of Wax' The verdict: No, it isn't very pretty what a town without pity — or people who aren't covered alive in wax — can do. Director: Jaume Serra Starring: Elisha Cuthbert, Paris Hilton, Chad Michael Murray, Brian Van Holt, Jared Padalecki Run time: 105 minutes Release date: May 6, 2005 Rating: R for horror violence, some sexual content and language. See showtimes On the web Official movie site View the trailer    Trailers require Quicktime Rate "House of Wax"   Go see it   Make it a matinee   Wait to rent   Don't bother Voter Limit: Once per Hour View Poll Results

You know what her qualifications are: She's famous, rich and doesn't wear a lot of clothing, so people probably will line up to see her, or at least to see whether she's running around in her underwear and kissing on boys. Since kissing and underwear skills are pretty much what she brings to the table, you know the answer to that one.

Besides, I'm fairly sure there aren't a lot of Shakespeare-trained actresses sobbing in iambic pentameter because Paris Hilton has thwarted their dream of being chased around in their skivvies by a maniac trying to toss hot wax on them. ("By the clicking of her heels, our plum role this airhead steals!")

That's because House of Wax is not Shakespeare. It's a goofy horror movie about dumb kids (Hilton, Cuthbert and Chad Michael Murray, among others) who take a wrong turn in the backwoods on their way to a football game and stumble onto a town whose inhabitants are mostly the strong, silent type — BECAUSE THEY'RE COVERED IN WAX!!! BWYAAAHAAA!

Sorry. Vincent Price attack. Won't happen again.

Anyway, the plot isn't what you'd call demanding, and mostly requires its cast to be hot and feign drinking, smoking, having sex. They're also required to venture into creepy-looking places that might as well be called Crazy Killer-Man Villas and get knocked off in disgusting but highly creative ways.

The spectacularly over-the-top ending recalls Edgar Allan Poe's Fall of The House of Usher, which I must explain, for our younger readers, is not about a really slammin' Thanksgiving party at the crib of R&B hottie Usher.

Amid the silliness, it's clear that Murray, who's the best thing on WB's One Tree Hill, is a pretty good actor, so it's ultra-cute when you catch him actually trying to put some effort into his role as Cuthbert's thuggie twin brother. Acting isn't really necessary when your primary motivation is "Please don't disembowel me with that ax handle." But it's sort of sweet.

House of Wax, for a bad movie, is pretty decent, although I'd have started the wax-related offings earlier in the movie, thus giving less time for "character development" for people whose primary job is to become human candles. What's even more fascinating than the plot and the slaughtering is this weird public fascination with making movie stars out of people who weren't really put on this earth to speak.

There is, of course, a long-standing tradition of putting models and athletes in movies. And every once in a while, one of these folks turns out to have some actual talent, like former football player Burt Reynolds and former dancer/model Charlize Theron. But for every Deliverance or Monster, there's an American Anthem, where pretty-pouty Olympic gold medal gymnast Mitch Gaylord proved that as an actor, he's a darn good gymnast, or Fair Game, where model Cindy Crawford played (snort) a brilliant lawyer who (giggle) bravely survives fleeing from killers by taking time to have hot, nasty sex on a boxcar with Billy Baldwin.

What I love about Paris Hilton's presence in House Of Wax is that we're so celebrity-starved that we're past pretending that she needs any skill other than being famous to be in a movie. Paris is just a rich girl who's famous for saying stupid things in a monotone voice, wearing pretty clothes and then taking them off.

Come to think of it, those are pretty much the favorite pastimes of Paige, her House of Wax character, so she pretty much wins the Posing and Pouting Oscars.

You know what? Forget what I said. In the context of a stupid horror movie, Paris Hilton's an acting genius.

The Flick Chick's Bottom Line: No, it isn't very pretty what a town without pity — or people who aren't covered alive in wax — can do.