Home > Duluth.Talk > Archives > 2006 > August > 01 > Entry
DEL.ICIO.USHas romance or marriage affected your friendships?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A couple of Saturdays ago, I noticed that business was very brisk at a popular Duluth Bridal Shop near Gwinnett Place Mall.
After the month of June, August is the most fashionable month for weddings. I suppose, based on how busy the shop appeared to be, that there will be weddings galore this month in Gwinnett.
Marriage is about two individuals choosing to become lifetime partners, often excluding or altering existing relationships.
When someone becomes seriously involved in a romantic relationship or gets married, many people who were once central to that person’s life are displaced. Relationships with your parents, siblings, and friends are reconfigured as your significant other takes precedence in your life. It can take an emotional toll on loved ones and friends while they sort out their new roles in the life of a newly attached loved one.
When you marry, your identity and priorities instantly change. Your former “immediate” family becomes your “extended’ family.” And you focus on embracing your new in-laws’ traditions and learning to love them.
Sometimes close friends have an extremely difficult time of accepting changes that occur when their friend become romantically involved or married to someone else. This is especially pronounced if the unattached friend is perhaps less outgoing and more dependent on the friend who now is in an even more important relationship.
The emotional and social impact of romance and marriage on friendships was recently explored in The Washington Post articled titled “The Great Divide.”
The article inspired me to take a look in my life’s rear view mirror, back to my twenties when many of my guy and girl friends got married.
Back in the 1980s when my best guy friend married a wonderful, newly minted attorney, I did not feel displaced at all. I felt really glad that this wonderful friend had found love and a life partner. As for me, I now had two wonderful friends instead of one.
But the reality is that not all of my friendships survived the test of deep relationships and marriage. My friendship with my best girlfriend slipped away once she got married. However, during that time she also moved to the West coast and began graduate school. So, I cannot say that her marriage is the singular culprit for the relationship changing.
However, I never had any hard feelings—because I was glad that my friend was living her life in a way that she chose to. We did not have any anger or hard feelings towards each other. Our lives just took a different course. And the memories of our friendship during our teenage years and early twenties are ones to be cherished.
But I realize that my experience with married friends is unique to me. Not everyone finds a new friend in the spouse of a best friend. And many people cannot easily accept what seemed like a “forever” friendship fading way.
How has romance or marriage affected your friendships?
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By Elane
August 1, 2006 06:34 AM | Link to this
A lot of friendships changed permanently after my marriage…this followed a divorce, and it seemed like some friends who supported me in the divorce felt like after the marriage I didn’t need “looking after” as much. They faded into the background gradually. Moving out of the immediate area cost some…it’s amazing how many people seem to take it personally when you move, as if you’re doing it to get away from them. A third category is the “friend” who doesn’t think you married well enough and turns her back when you decline to agree (the marriage is strong at 9 years now, so…). However, this marriage has also brought me new friendships, since my H has a huge extended family. Needless to say, the shift away from Spouse #1 also means bye-bye to many of his cronies, and that is certainly no loss!
By katie
August 1, 2006 07:24 AM | Link to this
Of course things change after marriage, especially if many of your friends are still single. Marriage is a lifestyle change and friendships either must evolve or end. A significant other is more important than a friend, he or she is your best friend, above all others. My husband is my best friend and I’ve lost nothing since we’ve been married.
By Tray
August 1, 2006 08:43 AM | Link to this
I remember I had a best friend and we did a lot of things together. We helped each other through forming new relationships, break-ups, family deaths, you name it. Then I met my future wife, and things changed. We still hung out on occasions, and I introduced him to his current wife, but we very rarely even talk now. We moved a few years ago from Newnan to Dallas, and I haven’t seen him or heard from him since, and every now and then I wonder how he’s doing. But I do know that more than likely he’s happy and thing are going well, he would have contacted me somehow if his marriage fell apart, just as if mine were to. We’ve been married 4 years now, and he’ll have been married around 2. I do mourn at the loss of my old friend, but I celebrate becasue every morning when I wake up, not only my wife, but my new best friend, my lover, and the owner of my heart and soul is next to me, and that I will trade for nothing!
By fk
August 1, 2006 08:44 AM | Link to this
We will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in November. We’ve not lost any friends b/c of marriage. Sometimes, people follow different paths, leading them away. Some friendships just are not strong enough to endure distance.
Our two sets of friends meshed. We moved four years into our marriage…900+ miles away from family and friends. Guess what? We still have our friends from “home” and we have just as many friends here. Relationships change over the years, especially when raising families. However, if the bonds are strong, the frienships will last. I don’t think marriage negatively affects friendships, unless there is jealousy involved. I think divorce sometimes forces people to choose sides, sadly, thus ending a relationship outside of marriage.
By E. Lewis
August 1, 2006 09:28 AM | Link to this
I lost a very good friend, or someone who I thought was a very good one, over her romance. Most of her could see through this guy who was petty, jealous, had to be catered to for everything and needed her available 24/7 just in case.
When she got engaged, which was the end all and be all of existence as far as her mother was concerned, my friend asked me for my opinion and I gave her one of those “I wish you the best” generic answers. She kept pushing trying to get my approval even offering to put me in the wedding party, heaven forbid. Telling her that she was an adult and could make her own choices didn’t calm her down. After avoiding her for several days she caught me at a point where I finally told her that I thought she was moving too quickly and that her fiancé was too controlling, but again that I wished her the best. Boy, was that the wrong thing to say. Not only did I not get invited to the wedding, but I don’t think she has said much more than 2 words since then. That the rest of our friends didn’t speak up also bothered me, but eventually we got over that.
Her divorce a couple of years ago didn’t come as a surprise to me. Neither did the fact that she hasn’t hooked up with any of her old friends since she moved back.
By Yoko
August 1, 2006 11:01 AM | Link to this
My best friend of about 20+ years got married in April. I cried but I was happy for her. I feel when you are real friends you should respect one another. I’m married and I know how things change when you get married. I still talk to her not as much because I give her her space and respect the fact that she’s married not only her but her husband as well. So, me personally I think it’s how mature you are.
By shannon
August 1, 2006 11:27 AM | Link to this
I had a very close friend with whom I spoke with several times day and we even decided to move in together after I left my relationship of 9 years, I introduced this friend to a friend of mine from the office in the beginning we all hung out together and were very social but as their relationship got more serious he stopped talking to me this caused a hugh strain on our living situation so much so that I had to break the lease and move out b/c he no longer wanted to be a friend to me now that she was involved in his life. I wish them much happiness but I miss my friend and how we used to talk all the time about everything.
By Ryanne
August 1, 2006 12:40 PM | Link to this
I have a male friend of 10 years; we are very close and have been there for each other through both of our good and bad relationships. He is currently engaged to a young lady who I felt, from the beginning, was not ‘the one’ for him. I also know that it’s not for me to determine who will make him happy but he has told me things about this young lady that make me have that gut feeling that she is just not good for him. He’s admitted to having 2nd thoughts about the wedding/marriage, and to me, that is indication enough that perhaps they should wait, or re-examine. In addition to that, he disclosed to me that his new fiancee’ is jealous of our friendship, and thinks that he and I are more than friends (which is absolutely not true). He and I never dated, never flirted, never explored any possibility of dating…we truly are best friends. I’ve met her on a few ocassions hoping to relieve any concerns she may have, but I was recently told that she doesn’t trust our friendship, so I’m now wondering if I should even go to their wedding. I want to support him, but I don’t want her to be uncomfortable on ‘her special day’. Needless to say, I do think once he’s married our friendship will not be the same. It’s unfortunate but it happens. The dynamics of friendships oftentimes change when 1 friend becomes married, and the other friend is single. It is twice as difficult to maintain if the 2 friends are male & female. I wish him the best regardless of what happens.
By sharon
August 1, 2006 12:54 PM | Link to this
Ryanne our stories are somewhat similar. I have a male best friend that married a woman who I didn’t think was right for him. I kept my mouth closed because her flaws were not detrimental. Our friendship has changed dramatically. We used to gossip about everything and everybody. We had some amazing conversations too. Now he only wants to call and complain about her. It’s hard but I keep my mouth closed.
By tracy
August 1, 2006 01:00 PM | Link to this
Being a true friend requires you to be very flexible. A true friend will understand when you have a new love interest and you a devoting your time and engery to the relationship. Once you have established the path of your new relationship it will help you determine your priorities in your friendship. Friends are suppose to be there for you through good and bad, near or far. If your friendship placed on the back burner due to a romantic relationship, your friend should be happy for you, if thats your real friend. Your friend should understand their new place in your life. A real friend would never want their friend to spend there life alone. Advice: Relationship people, continue to live your life the way you want, your happiness is the goal. Friends, be supportive and except the change and your friendship will and can survive with communication. Friends, also get a life of your own and you might not worry so much about what everyone else is doing. (Get a life in other words. Misery loves company.)
By E
August 1, 2006 01:23 PM | Link to this
While most have gone really well, some of the marriages in my peer group have really strained friendships. One friend of mine married this woman that nobody viewed as a good match for him: not his family, not his best friend since high school, not his college friends, etc. His best friend tried to ask him if he was really sure about this, and that caused a big fuss.
After the wedding, she drove a huge wedge between him and all of his friends. I’d call to congratulate them on wedding anniversaries, trying to be supportive and acknowledging, trying to be inclusive and respectful of her, and never hearing anything back. I suspect she deleted those messages before my friend ever got to hear them. He and the aforementioned best friend since high school didn’t see each other for three whole years.
Given all that, absolutely none of us were surprised when the divorce happened. My friend has resurfaced, and good riddance to her.
By Cletus Snow
August 2, 2006 02:21 AM | Link to this
Theres a lot to be said for minding your own business.One of my very best friends married a girl I knew from school I think she had bedded most of the guys I knew at the time.I had a really hard time keeping my mouth shut, but I somehow did and convinced several others to do the same.I’m very glad we did as they have been married almost 25 years now and have 3 great kids.An awful lot of us have experianced divorce over the years,some more than one. A wise old owl lived in an oak The more he saw the less he spoke The less he spoke the more he heard Why cant we be like the wise old bird
By Rondia
August 2, 2006 12:30 PM | Link to this
I was married for the first time at the age of 37 and developed many friendships over the years. Although all of my friendships have changed, I have been able to maintain a connection with a few close friends. My best friend is my roommate from college. She is married and we became closer after I married and she moved back to the Atlanta area. When I was single, I was a bit resentful because for some reason I had to be the one to do the calling and sometimes not getting a returned call. Now….., I understand, therefore my relationship is better with my friends that are married. We try to stay in contact with each other at least once a week. Our friendship has lasted because we stay out of each others business and only offer maritial advice when asked…and we listen to each other complaints, without too much comment. …and having a spirit of forgiveness goes a long way, because we all at times have done or said something stupid.
By Tiffany
August 2, 2006 03:58 PM | Link to this
I became engaged a few months ago to a wonderful man. Previous to this relationship, my best friend (who’s also a guy) and I had a really bad falling out where we didn’t speak to each other for a short time. This estrangement was still going on when the relationship with my fiance was still very new. My best friend and I patched things up and are close again, but I can sometimes feel that my fiance is a little nervous about our friendship. He knows I wouldn’t cheat on him with my best friend for anything, and I always put our relationship first. Both men mean the world to me but for entirely different reasons. My fiance is a great companion, partner and protector, and my best friend gives me a spiritual compass to my life. I’m lucky to have both of them in my life. I know that things will change after I get married, but I hope that I can still have both of them around. Only God knows what’s in store for any of us, I guess.
By tina
August 2, 2006 04:35 PM | Link to this
I totally agree with Tracy. I’m in that situation right now, where a friend of mind gets upset with me when I don’t want to hang out with her. It’s not that I’m tryin to be mean it’s just that me and my so spend alot of time together and we always have plans. If I tell her no, she then brings up my past relationship and how my ex-boyfriend hurt me and how she was there for me and I only want her in my life to discuss male problems. Then she goes as far to say I hope that my so will be in my life forever!!! Why can’t she just be happy for me and stop bringing up the past to hurt me. She also has a husband and a son. Am I wrong to not want to hang out with her whenever she see fits?
By S. Robinson
August 2, 2006 04:42 PM | Link to this
I recently became engaged to a man that I’d been dating for about a year. During the entire time that we dated my relationship with my friends and my family seemed to drastically change, and I always wondered if it were due to something that was changing within me. My best friend would always make the comment “you never seem to have time for me anymore since you’ve been with him” so I worked really hard to maintain the same level of communication that we shared before him but it just became to hard. So now I get the “you ditched me for a guy” speech on a regular basis. And this isn’t a single friend, she’s been married for about 2 years now. I don’t really know what to do about the friendship. I am very happy right now and looking forward to my future as a wife, but I don’t want to leave behind any of my friends.
By gindhottie
August 2, 2006 05:27 PM | Link to this
SROBINSON, I am in a similar situation. I try to stay in touch with my friends via e-mail and occasional conversations, but I find that I just don’t have the time to talk like I used to. I’m new to Atlanta, so most of my friends live back home in another state. To add to that, I have taken on the role of being a full time stepmother. I do not have children yet, so this is a new responsibility for me. But I am mature enough to know that tending to my family is most important. My sister (who is my best friend and also lives back home) is in a very rocky marriage and has been for long while. In my opinion, one problem is that she never put her husband before any of her friends or family. Her attitude has always been, “I will never allow a man to become my world.” And since she has taken the liberty to tell me that I shouldn’t either, I have to constantly feel like she thinks I’m neglecting her.
When I was single, she would sit and talk to me for hours on the phone, while her husband and children begged for her attention. I would sometimes just tell her I would call her back because I felt bad for them!