Duluth.Talk

By Johnnie

May 16, 2006 07:02 AM | Link to this

I definitely feel like May-December marriages/unions will work. My husband and I have been married 6 years, but we have lived together for 24 years total. He was 25 and I was 40 when we met and moved in together. So, I feel like we are a success story. But, it does take a lot of work. Maybe in some ways, more work than a younger union might. But, we have learned from each other, and I feel that we compliment each others good points.

By Missy

May 16, 2006 07:26 AM | Link to this

It will work if they want it to work. If both are commited and keep other folks out of their marriage they can make it. My husband is 6 years younger than me and we would get along great if it wasn’t for his family!!! He’s level headed and intelligent but he had to grow up early in life because he had to take care of his mother,who was and still is on drugs. Age is just a number. There are a whole lot of other problems in a marriage that you have to worry about.

By jana

May 16, 2006 10:07 AM | Link to this

I am 7 years older than my husband, and we have been married 26 years. I was unaware of his age when I met him, and when we finally got around to ages, it was just a number. We have 4 children, and have been very happy. I really don’t think age is a big factor in marriage, unless one member of the couple feels it is an issue.

By Shaun

May 16, 2006 10:28 AM | Link to this

As long as I can remember I have always had hang-ups about men and their age. For a long time I wouldn’t even consider dating a guy that wasn’t within a 3 year range of my age but, like the couple mentioned in the article I became really good friends with a guy 12 years older than me and love just bloomed from there. I think no matter what types of criteria we try to set up for potential mates, if there is a connection there then age, race, or anything else won’t be a factor.

By roz

May 16, 2006 10:48 AM | Link to this

I am 41 years old,twice divorced and now dating a man that is 12 years older than I am and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me! If we were to go our separate ways(God forbid)I will never date a man my age again. No more boys for me!

By big mistake

May 16, 2006 10:51 AM | Link to this

Big mistake I thought age would have matter, married a man 6 yrs older than me, now I’m stuck w/ all the bills.

By JM

May 16, 2006 11:25 AM | Link to this

My husband is 15 years older than me, and we have had a very successful relationship. We have been together for 7 years, married for 1, and we couldn’t be happier. We just purchased our first house, so things are really going our way.

I do not think may-december marriages are for everyone, however. Getting past the looks and the confused stares in public can be a challenge, not to mention the issues with family members being un-accepting of the relationship. We have managed to work past that, and we couldn’t be happier! I learn a lot from him and his experiences, and he learns from my youthful point of view. It was really opened our eyes and allows us to see things from different perspectives.

By E. Lewis

May 16, 2006 12:32 PM | Link to this

Of course it can work, but quite often doesn’t for the same reasons more convention relationship don’t work out.

As long as you are aware of the problems and with these types of relationship there are some doozies, and work on those problems it can work. If you ignore things like the way family and friends may feel about this, what you have in common vs. what you don’t, issues like children, the generational differences, the way you will be treated in public, etc, etc…. because you are in love, you will be doomed to break up.

Start the relationship with your heart, but use your head to maintain it.

By MDD

May 16, 2006 12:33 PM | Link to this

I do take exception to the age factor. As a 50-year old female it is hard for me to image dating someone much younger than I. I believe that our life experiences would be different as well as our conversation. I feel like I would be dating my nephew, and that’s too difficult for me to accept, I’m not a “Sugar Momma.”

By olderandwiser

May 16, 2006 12:44 PM | Link to this

My one marriage was to a man exactly my age. Our resumes matched beautifully on paper, but our childless union shipwrecked on his serial infidelities. After the divorce I spent decades in the dating pool and saw men up and down the age scale: a fascinating learning experience. I am now 59 and engaged to a 46-year-old divorced father of three I’ve known for years. We are truly mated and couldn’t be happier. We regard our friendship, courtship and upcoming union as blessings from God and our last best chance to get it right.

I concur with JM’s comments regarding the positive differences and others’ opinions. I also agree that a May-December union surely isn’t for everyone as it defies the socially accepted norm. However, those who don’t profile potential partners based on chronological age alone and who will take the time to measure their intellectual, social, physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual ages, may find a surprising compatibility and delightful chemistry that is worth keeping.

Reality check: I suggest a good pre-nup and intensive pre-martial counseling as essential for couples with significant age differences to insure any underlying or lingering issues are brought up and dealt with before the wedding - especially when existing minor children are involved. It’s spade work that is well worth doing regardless of how long and successful your dating relationship has been. IMO a successful May-December marriage is difficult enough to achieve without some prior unknowns adding more stress later on.

By j

May 16, 2006 12:52 PM | Link to this

I myself have never been involved in a may-december relationship, but I am a product of one. My father was 22 yrs. older than my mother. I think anyone in this kind of relationship should definately consider how important children are to them. As the baby of the family I only saw the last 21 years of my dads life. I only saw him as an elderly frail man. I missed out on his life, as I spent most of my time worrying about when he was going to die. Not a thought children should be faced with! Now my mom is left a middle aged widow struggling to survive. After my experience I know i will never date anyone more than 5 yrs older or younger.

By Benin "Beni" Dakar (The Duluth Blogger)

May 16, 2006 01:29 PM | Link to this

J,

You make a great point about what happens to the children of older men and women. I think that in the next twenty years that there will be lots of young adult children, who like you, will only know their parents’ as older and frail people.

It is very cool these days for people in their late forties through their early sixties to talk about having a child; but there is little efficacy for how this unusual age difference will impact their children and their children’s children, who probably will never know their grandparents.

Right now at age 45, I am in great health and pretty robust; but to become a Mom to a newborn, would really be unfair to the baby. By the time the child was 18 and graduating from high school I would be 63 years old and 67 by the time they finished college (if they really finish in just four years).

Also, I can imagine the social stigma that the child may face, when I come to his or her first grade classroom to visit as a woman in her fifties. There are just a myriad of emotional, social, and financial considerations that individuals and couples should make before starting a family later in life.

Thank you for sharing another angle to May-December relationships.

Beni Dakar

By Michelle

May 16, 2006 02:00 PM | Link to this

Beni, you are 45 and still have time to get married and have a baby. I don’t think you should limit yourself by not dating a younger man. There are not enough available men out there in the first place. Women in their 40s today are like being in their 30s. I’m in my 40s, married a younger man (5 years marrige), had his baby and my friends tell me I look 10 years younger than my age. Plus, a lot of the 60 year old women today are not old and frumpy-looking like they use to be. My mom is almost 70 and she still chases my 3-year old around the garden. Please do not limit yourself and give into what society thinks is acceptable. This is YOUR life and you don’t want to wind up old and lonely—-you might regret it.

By Sheila

May 16, 2006 02:21 PM | Link to this

I have been through to failed marriages. my first husband was 6 1/2 yrs older and the 2nd one was 3 years younger.I’m 49 yrs old and dating again. I look at it as age is just a number, if two people have the chemistry anfd feel strongly for each other, “go for it”. Being seperated and divorced for 6yrs, I have dated both from 15 yrs younger to 10 yrs older. Ive experienced different energies and personalities in all the ages and had really fun times with both, the younger ones brought more of the youth out in me, which I feel I’m already a youthful person and dont look or feel my age. Now at my age, I think I would only go up 5 yrs and down 5 yrs, just because of the fact I need someone pretty much on the same page as I am.

By T.O.

May 16, 2006 03:28 PM | Link to this

I was a product of a May-December relationship as well. My mom was 37 and my father was 54 when I was born. I never spent a day worrying about when a parent would pass. I did get p** off when people referred to my dad as my grand dad though! The hardest thing was being able to relate to my parents. They just did not get it but what parent does? LOL!

By Prootwadl

May 16, 2006 04:16 PM | Link to this

I’m 43 and my wife is 32. We’ve known each other for seven years, and been married now for 2.5 years. I couldn’t be happier, and I think she’d say the same. Things between us just “click”. :-) :-)

The weird part, though, is that her parents are both closer in age to me than she is (both are 50 this year). That means I can relate to them just fine, but it had a weird effect on my friends when they met her dad (heh heh).

By george

May 16, 2006 04:33 PM | Link to this

Well, I met my wife when she was 18 and I was 32. We’ve been together 9 years now. May/December romances can last. It takes work, though. And a lot of patience on the part of the older partner, as well as a lot of understanding on the part of the younger one. I had already passed the “party all night” stage long before my wife could buy a beer. About the lady’s comment concerning the fact that her father was old and frail as she grew up: true, I probably wouldn’t win a long-distance running contest, but us old folks do have more patience, experience and understanding to pass along to our children. Even more importantly, we don’t run the other way the moment that we hear that our girlfriend is pregnant. We are less likely to fly into a rage over something trivial, and more likely to have a good income, nice house and financial and emotional stability. We are much more likely to be able to pay to send our children to college and give them a good foundation for a successful life. The lady who was ashamed of the fact that her father was old might need to go to the projects and see the child-rearing skills (or to be more precise, the lack thereof) of the few 18 year old fathers that actually stayed with the mothers of their children, and compare them to those of the older, more successful businessmen in the gated communities in the suburbs who spent their 20s building a successful career and are now ready to commit to a lasting relationship. She may find that she didn’t miss out on so much after all. None of us can really predict the future, either. My great-grandfather married a woman who was substantially younger than he was. Everybody told her that she would be a widow for a long time. She died in an accident two years later and he lived to be 106 years old. In fact, he outlived their son, my grandfather. You can’t just say “I’m younger, so I will live longer”. It doesn’t work that way. Life has a way of throwing curves our way. Accidents, disease, natural disasters, etc. happen more often than we want to think. We are only guaranteed the breath we just took. If you love somebody, you can consider ages, but it shouldn’t be the overpowering consideration in a relationship. Compatibility, love, mutual attraction, religious convictions, mutual interests, even whether your potential mate is a slob if you’re a neat freak are more important than age in determining whether a relationship will last. And I would much rather that my kids are ashamed of the fact that Dad is a little old than if they were ashamed because Dad was some bum who they had never seen, totally clueless and abusive because he hadn’t had time to grow up himself, or ashamed because they were wearing hand-me-downs because Dad had to get a job at the 7-11 instead of going to college and starting a career. Hate to tell you, but most kids are going to become ashamed of their parents for some reason or another when they hit about 14 or 15. It’s part of growing up; you probably did it yourself, and your grandkids will do it to your kids. It’s just a natural part of growing up. Life happens.

By Benin "Beni" Dakar (The Duluth Blogger)

May 16, 2006 05:42 PM | Link to this

Michelle,

Thanks for taking the time to comment. Congratulations on your marriage and on becoming a Mom. Yes, it is important that we do not limit our life choices. I also agree that being 45 today is not my mother’s or grandmother’s 45, of thirty or more years ago.

I sometimes think back to my maternal grandmother Rose—and how she always wore an apron and had on those big comfortable grandma lace-up shoes. The irony is that the woman that I am remembering was only in her middle fifties; but I think of her as being a really aged and sexless woman.

I know a couple, with the husband being fifty and the wife being forty-seven and they have a four year boy, who is the apple of their eyes. They have the energy and the patience to invest in their son—however, there is a dual reality. One reality is that this child is indeed loved and wanted. The twin reality is that they will be deep in their sixties when the boy is in college.

As for me, the only way I will have a baby at this time of my life is ‘God forbid’ one of my nieces or nephews or their children would become orphaned. At that point, I would gladly step up to the plate to rear even very young children the best that I could.

Beni

By Benin "Beni" Dakar (The Duluth Blogger)

May 16, 2006 05:52 PM | Link to this

George,

You wrote:

My great-grandfather married a woman who was substantially younger than he was. Everybody told her that she would be a widow for a long time. She died in an accident two years later and he lived to be 106 years old. In fact, he outlived their son, my grandfather. You can’t just say “I’m younger, so I will live longer”.

I agree with you that we never know how long someone will live for. Everyday, both the old and the young fade away. No one’s life is an actuarial/statistical model; but in all probability someone a decade or more older will succumb before the younger person. But we cannot dwell on when we may die or we will rob ourselves of the joy of living life fully.

Good points.

Beni

By Gary

May 16, 2006 07:25 PM | Link to this

As seen written on the seatback of a New York commuter train in 1980:

“Age is a matter of the mind… if you dont mind, it doesn’t matter.”

By Tim Raymond

May 16, 2006 07:50 PM | Link to this

My wife is 21 and I’ve 55 and it’s always worked.

By Sugarbelle

May 17, 2006 09:20 AM | Link to this

May-December marriages can work if the Lord is allowed to be in charge of that marriage. Bold “My husband is 24 years older than me and we have been married for 31 years.” We have raised 2 children (4 were born but 2 died prior to full-term). Both children are involved in missions. There have been health issues through the years but no any man could have been kinder, more loving or a better dad and husband - totally supporting me and the kids - sure I may end of living a lot of my life without him since I am now 56, but it has been an absolutely wonderful marriage, totally faithful and I am hoping and praying for at least 25 more years.

By Johnny

May 17, 2006 09:36 AM | Link to this

You go Muhamad! I like older chicks too, but dude 104?

I like my wine, cheese, and women aged and full bodied. I don’t care about what society thinks. Sometimes being a guy in his thirties that digs chicks in their upper 40s and 50s, they may have a son near my age who is not feeling me too tough. But they just have to deal with the fact that their Mama is my Baby.

By Beni--The Duluth Blogger

May 17, 2006 12:06 PM | Link to this

Popular May-December couple calling it quits!

Hello Duluth Crew,

Did you all see the article about Paul McCartney and his wife separating? McCartney and his wife of four years Heather Mills, who is reportedly half of McCartney’s age, are calling it quits. They blame media intrusion into their lives as the driving force of their break up.

Want to know more about the McCartney (May-December) split? Check out this Access Atlanta article:

http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/content/entertainment/stories/0517paul.html

Peace,

Beni

By gawon

May 17, 2006 12:44 PM | Link to this

My partner was 19 years older than me we made it 13 years till an untimley stroke took him away. If you work at it and block out what people have to say it will work. Like others said he had all the experiences of the past and the stability to go with I was a student at DeVry when we met so live just meshed. Even after a cross country move two weeks after meeting and several other society issues. If you want it the relationship will last. Just talk to each other and understand where eachother is coming from.

By singlefemale

May 17, 2006 03:32 PM | Link to this

I am 49, and am finding that there are good reasons why single men in my age range are single. I just want to know where the older women find the eligible younger men.

By jmeeker

May 18, 2006 03:55 PM | Link to this

I was 47 when I met my wife. She was 29. We have been married for four years now. She had two children when we met. We have had one child together with another on the way. I will be about 70 when everyone has graduated from high school. It gives me great incentive to try to be healthier and live longer. I hope NOT to be a “frail” father but that is not the essential question to me. Am I a loving father? Am I a role model for how a man should treat his wife and children? Do I work with the children on their education of book learning as well as spiritual learning?

By Andy

May 19, 2006 02:21 PM | Link to this

I want to thank everyone for sharing such personal insights and keeping their minds open about a topic which really effects so many people. As progressive as our society claims to be, May-December romances are still treated as tabboo in public forums. Something we just don’t talk about… which makes it hard to know how to approach the situations in your own life.

My boyfriend and I have only been together for 3 months. I’m 20 and he is 35 with two beautiful 6 year old girls from a previous relationship. While most of our friends and his family have been overwhelmingly supportive, my family (highly conservative, Protestant) remains suspect of his “intentions” with their 20 year old daughter.

When your family is your major support group, it’s hard not to feel like something is wrong with your judgement or that you’re very much alone in such an important decision.

All of your comments have helped me today. It’s good to know that it really isn’t too uncommon and that things can certianly work. Thank you so much.

By Beni Dakar (The Duluth Blogger)

May 19, 2006 03:21 PM | Link to this

Hey Duluth,

Has anyone read about Wilbanks and her fiancé breaking up? Check out this Friday, May 19, 2006 AJC article:

Magazine: ‘Runaway bride,’ fiancé call it quits Duluth woman’s disappearance created national media frenzy

http://www.ajc.com/gwinnett/content/metro/gwinnett/stories/0519bride.html

Beni

By Nancy

May 29, 2006 11:36 PM | Link to this

I and 48 and have been divorced for 15 years and dated a few men seriously, all younger than me. It just worked out that way, and it was not something I went out of my way to do. Now I have been in a relationship for 6 years with a man 20 years younger. He makes me laugh and he loves me and adores me. It works for us and one reason I feel it does is b/c I raised adolescent boys alone and he was always around his mom, aunt, and grandmother, so we are used to being around the opposite sex in our age groups. I also have realized in my experience, that men will always be boys (I say that adoringly) and when you accept this as a woman, it is easier to deal with a partner’s childish traits. I have a strong outgoing personality and I feel that I probably turn away men my age for that reason. I am also extremely independent b/c I was forced to be. Men in my age group always say they love an independent woman, but I dont agree with that. My partner is not outgoing, but when we are together he takes control of the situation. He is the driver of the car and he initiates intimacy. He will cook for me if he is home first but he allows me to take care of him the way I am used to doing for my family and I enjoy doing. He is very responsible and traditional and old fashioned. Our relationship is not traditional in the sense of our ages, but the dynamics of it is. The odd thing: his mother and family totally accept it and me, but my family and friends are not as accepting. I am not rich so it is not a financial issue. He earns a lot more than I do. Anyway, those are my thoughts..