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February 2007
Reaching out for the nude vote
Look Out for Those Dangling Chads
Civic history will be made this week, as the town of Loxahatchee Groves holds a town council candidates debate in Sunsport Gardens Family Naturist Resort — which is the only gated community in the small suburban Palm Beach County town.
It’s also a nudist colony.
Hanging out with the constituents
Nine of the 10 candidates in the town council race will come here Thursday for a clothing-optional attempt to win some votes in next month’s election.
The naturist resort has the highest population density in the town, which is mostly made up of large single-family homes on dirt roads.
So a candidate needs to play his cards right at the nudist camp debate.
Looks like everybody’s folding
We here at The Blogaroni, in an attempt to further the cause of clothing-optional democracy, have come up with a list of talking points for candidates to stress at Sunsport Gardens.
Nudist Camp Talking Points for Candidates
The right to bare arms
And legs, too, and … well … you get the idea. It may not be in the U.S. Constitution, but it ought to be.
If the Founding Fathers didn’t mean us to play tennis in the buff, they wouldn’t have called zero “love.”
Neighborhood Watch doesn’t mean Neigborhood Leer
Yes, we all need to look out for our neighbor and pay attention to what’s shaking in the neighborhood.
But that doesn’t mean it’s OK to get out the binoc’s to see what’s shaking on the volleyball court.
Support Government in the Sunshine
And we’re not just talking about full disclosure when it comes public records and financial dealings.
We’re talking about Government in the Sunshine, literally. A kind of bring-your-old-towel form of public service.
Pledge to hold “town meetings” with your constituents, an informal get-it-all-out beef session.
Promise not to sell them down the river to developers
Be a staunch supporter of “canuding.”
And finally …
Pledge to Support the Nude Agenda
We’re not even sure if there is a “nude agenda.” And chances are, if it’s written down, nobody’s got a pocket to carry it in. But let’s say, for the campaign’s sake, there is a nude agenda.
Then you should champion it, and take the lead in creating bold new concepts such as … um, hang on, I’m thinking … um, OK, here goes:
Take A Nude Old Man to Work Day … which might look something like this …
OK, candidates. I believe we’ve got you started in the right direction for Thursday night’s debate. We’re sure, with the right approach at the nudist camp, your political futures can do nothing but take off. And we mean all the way off.
Good luck.
Hillary, shave thy head
Make a bold bald move for once
In case you haven’t been following the presidential sweepstakes, Hillary Clinton is going through a tough patch
these days, losing ground to upstart Sen. Barack Obama in some polls.
Then last week, a big blow: movie mogul David Geffen opened his Beverly Hills home to host a $1.3 million fundraiser for Obama.
Geffen, who had raised $18 million for the Clintons in the past, told New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd that he thought Hillary was not electable, not forthright and far too over produced and managed.
“She’s so advised by so many smart advisers who are covering every base,” Geffen was quoted as saying. “I think that America was better served when the candidates were chosen in smoke-filled rooms.”
The fight for Hollywood
Hillary can’t afford to lose Hollywood, a town of theatrical deep-pocket donors who have no tolerance for a stiff actor that can’t sell her lines.
Hillary needs to do something fast. Something spontaneous. Something bold. Something that clearly doesn’t look managed.
Something even borderline insane.
Hillary needs a Britney-fication
Yes, she can save her campaign if she is willing to shave her campaign. Nothing like a surprise cue-balling of the old noggin to force people to make a fresh reassessment of your state of mind.
Britney, unfortunately, didn’t need to appear more impulsive and out of control. But for Hilliary, this would be just what the campaign doctor ordered.
Hillary could duck away for a few hours and come back looking like Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3.
The bit.. candidate is back!
If nothing else, it will at least get the media to stop talking about Obama for a few news cycles, maybe even more if Hillary tops off her new look with a large, visible tattoo.
Bald is beautiful when it comes to generating a buzz
Nothing gets people talking like a suddenly bald head.
It worked for Jack Nicholson, who got a lot of press for his role in an upcoming movie when he showed up with a gleaming dome at Sunday night’s Academy Awards.
And, who knows, Hillary might even look better with a shaved head. A lot of women do.
Even Mona Lisa …
… who looks terrific without her hair.
And the same goes for Natalie Portman, who got buzzed for her role in a Star Wars movie, and still managed to look out of this world.
Unhairy can also mean more scary, and that’s good
What Hillary would achieve with a shaved head, though, would put her more closely in line 
with the vaguely crazy wing of Women with Shaved Heads Club that has appointed singer Sinead O’Connor as its permanent president.
O’Connor is the singer who tore up a photo of the former Pope on Saturday Night Live and once performed a Bob Marley song at a Bob Dylan tribute concert. Sinead O’Connor’s shaved head is actually an integral part of her total package.
As would a newly stubble-headed Hillary
After all, the scariest guys on the planet are …
… the bald …
… and the nearly bald.
NB-GAY? Questionnaire for Players
To: All NBA players
From: Commissioner’s Office
Subject: Attitude survey re: gay players
Dear Players:
As you know, the recent unfortunate anti-gay statements by former all-star Tim Hardaway combined with the autobiography of John Amaechi, a former gay player, has created lots of interest in the news media about the league’s attitude toward homosexuality.
We have made a strong statement against Hardaway’s initial statements and for tolerance, but we’d like the honest, confidential opinions of you, the players in the NBA.
So please take a moment to fill out this anonymous questionnaire, so we here in the front office have a better idea about how you all feel, and to what level homophobia and/or homosexuality exists among players.
1. If I find myself on the court with a gay player, I would NOT _
(a) speak to him.
(b) make a pass to him.
(c) make a pass at him.
2. When Shaq backs his way into the low post, it’s …
(a) a good time for a double team.
(b) a way to free up a perimeter shooter.
(c) so hot.
3. If a teammate confided in me that he was gay, I would tell …
(a) nobody.
(b) a sports-talk radio show.
(c) my poodles.
4. The thing that bothers me most about a gay player on the team would be …
(a) it wouldn’t bother me at all.
(b) sharing a locker room.
(c) sharing my Judy Garland DVDs.
5. Please indicate which of the following basketball expressions make you feel vaguely uncomfortable.
(a) playing man-on-man
(b) dribbling behind the back
(c) shooting forward
(d) packing the paint
(e) none of the above
6. The only thing worse than a gay player in the league is …
(a) there’s nothing wrong with a gay player.
(b) a straight guy on Project Runway.
(c) The Boston Celtics.
7. If a male sportscaster started asking me questions about my attitudes toward gay players, I would …
(a) tell him that a player’s sexual orientation is irrelevant.
(b) echo Tim Hardaway’s homophobic statements.
(c) look into the bottomless azure pools of that sportscaster’s eyes, and tell him that maybe we should discuss it at a later time, perhaps over wine spritzers.
8. If you could change a name of an NBA team to make it less gay sounding, what team would that be?
(a) the Bucks
(b) the Nuggets
(c) the Pistons
(d) the Timberwolves
(e) every team’s name sounds gay to me
9. The most distracting part about playing on the road in New York is …
(a) the taunting fans in Madison Square Garden.
(b) all the beautiful women in the Big Apple.
(c) Fashion Week.
10. What can the league do to make playing in the NBA a more positive experience for you?
(a) ban gay players from the league.
(b) make public service TV ads to reinforce the league’s position that it will not tolerate discrimination against gay players.
(c) change the uniforms back to those 1970s-era tight-fitting shorty shorts.
When Urinals Talk
You can have your cake and eat listen to it too
New Mexico is putting 500 very special cakes in the urinals of some public restrooms in the state.
Oops, wrong cake
Sorry for that. Actually, the men’s room urinals will have those hockey-pucklike cakes of disinfectant known as urinal cakes. But what’s special about these urinal cakes is that they have audio messages.
The motion activation triggers a recorded voice inside the urinal cake to blurt out messages that are intended to get the guy standing there to think twice before driving drunk.
You’re in for a lecture
The message, delivered in a woman’s voice says: “Hey, big guy. Having a few drinks? Think you have one too many? Then it’s time to call a cab or call a sober friend for a ride home.”
And it ends with a not-so-subtle: “Remember, your future is in your hand.”
It does not specify which hand, but I’m guessing it’s not the one that’s either in your pocket or picking your nose.
Women spared the lecture
There is no female equivalent to the talking urinal cake, and part of the reason is that men account for nearly four in five of the drunk driving convictions in New Mexico.
But we here at The Blogaroni also believe that a talking toilet bowl in a woman’s public restroom wouldn’t work because women have learned to hover far enough away from their target to render the motion detector useless.
A new golden era of communication?
We here at The Blogaroni heartily applaud (what is the sound of one free hand clapping?) the talking urinal cake experiment. And we look forward to the day when the use of this new technology spreads, trickling its way into all sorts of messages to its captive audience.
Ten other messages we’d like to see on talking urinal cakes …
1. Hey, take it easy, you’re chipping the porcelain!
2. Go ahead, do it! Everybody else does. Why should you be any different! Ah, I’ve got to get a new job … Ahh! … Ahh! … Ahh! …
3. Be extra careful, Big Guy. They’re out of paper towels and the hand blower broke last week.
4. Honk if you love refried beans.
5. (sung in an imitation of the pop singer Prince) “Yellow rain, Yellow Rai-aaain …”
6. Hey, it’s you again. I never forget a face.
7. Would you like to save time and cut out the middle man? If so, instead of going out there and drinking another beer, just toss me $3.
8. Can you do me a favor? Somebody dropped a very big diamond pinkie ring, and it’s really bugging me. Can you reach under me and remove it? You can keep it … That’s it, just fish your fingers under me and … Psych! …. Nyah, nyah! … Fooled you! … Oh, yeah! … You’ve been punk’d by a urinal cake! … Dum, dum, dum, dum. Another one bites the dust. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Another one bites the dust …
9. Hey, buddy, either you’re trying to impress me with your knowledge of Morse Code, or you ought to get somebody to examine that prostate.
10. Got milk?
Politically biased ice cream
With nuts on top
Stephen Colbert has been honored with his own flavor of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, a fitting tribute to a brilliant comedian who spins a sweet concoction of Faux-Reilly nonsense on Comedy Central.
The flavor, Stephen Colbert’s All Americone Dream, is vanilla ice cream with fudge-covered waffle cone pieces and caramel.
Ben & Jerry’s, keeping in the spirit of Colbert’s self-congratulatory patriotic patois, characterized the new flavor as “the sweet taste of liberty in your mouth.”
Colbert welcomed his flavor as a nod toward the political right after a string of leftist flavors (Cherry Garcia, Wavy Gravy, Phish Food).
“I’m not afraid to say it. Dessert has a well-known liberal agenda,” Colbert said in a statement. “What I hope to do with this ice cream is bring some balance back to the freezer case.”
Other conservative flavors on the horizon?
We here at The Blogaroni would like to help in developing future bloviator-inspired flavors to bring that political balance back. Here’s some ideas we’ve come up with so far …
Pecan Coulter
Nuts, nuts, and more nuts make this low-fat flavor seem so, so … out of this world.
You’d be “stupid” not to eat it.
Hannity-n-Cream
Appealing to look at, yet so lightweight and empty once you penetrate the fudge exterior.
An amazing, nearly vaporous blend of marshmallows, air, cotton candy, and still more air, make this a flavor seems like you’re eating nothing at all.
Viagra Chip Ditto Dough
Inspired by Rush Limbaugh, this new ice cream flavor is just the prescription for whatever ails you.
It’s more than an ice cream. It’s a powerful gift from God that’s right for every occasion. Available in quart, pint and gelcap sizes.
Scarborough Monkey Country
Some will say it’s an imitation of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey flavor, but there’s something about Scarborough Monkey that is different, and its not just the tasteless shreds of real American flag fibers gratuitously added to the banana mix.
Blue Dobbs
You’ll want to fence yourself off from the rest of the world once you tear into this new flavor.
It features lots of yummy artificial coloring, and a subtle language of flavor that’s all its own.
Rocky Rogue
The ice cream with Bill O’Reilly on the carton. What do you mean you don’t like it? Shut up! I said, Shut up! Shut up!
“Naked Day” at the Gym
Just Un-do It
A gym in the Netherlands is experimenting with “Naked Sundays”, an idea aimed at giving its members a chance to get buff in the buff. Story here.
Clearly, this is an idea that requires reflection and observation.
We here at The Blogaroni question whether a stationary bike could still be called a stationary bike if its rider jiggles excessively, or whether anybody in a co-ed step aerobics class could be expected to pay attention to the choreography in the midst of all that flapping fleshmeat.
And plus, a naked gym would just ruin the illusion of weight loss. So many people,who have managed to convince themselves that their exercise has resulted in weight loss would only be disabused of their beliefs once they looked in the full-length mirror and spotted exactly where that phantom weight loss had gone.
Throw in the towels
In a naked gym, the biggest workout, it seems to us, would be the task of mopping up. 
All that unsopped sweat, rolling off the overheated glaciers of bare backs and abdomens could achieve river-producing flows at peak times, we fear.
But being that gyms are constantly trying to come up with new ways to lure members, we here at The Blogaroni fear that its only a matter of time before you may wander into a gym, surprised to find yourself in the middle of a Naked Day at the gym.
So, in an effort to sharpen your awareness, we here at The Blogaroni have come up with …
The Top 10 Signs Your Gym is Having a Naked Day
1. All the jump ropes are checked out.
2. There’s a crowd of gawkers gathered outside the yoga studio during the inverted positions section of the class.
3. Spinnng class is delayed due to “hair fouling” equipment issues.
4. Nobody in the place seems to have a tan line.
5. Paramedics are tending to a man who is in extreme pain due to a bizarre “free weight plate stacking mishap” in the bench press area.
6. Everybody wants you to hold their ankles for sit-ups.
7. For the first time ever, you feel like less of a perv for hanging around the locker room.
8. You’e afraid to look up to see if anybody else is on the rock climbing wall.
9. You spot your clergyman and/or Republican congressman there.
10. You suddenly have the urge to experiment with different ways to wear your iPod.
And for all you non-football fans …
Thursday was the day to preview the Super Bowl entertainers who won’t be dressed in uniform.
Bring on the mimes
The pre-game show for Sunday’s game has been handed over to Cirque du Soleil, the Montreal-based performance troupe, who will take the field with 350 costumed characters before the game in fanciful outfits designed with Miami-based pop artist Romero Britto.
Six of the costumed characters paraded their stuff in the Miami Beach Convention Center, including these two guys, who looked like a cross between a mime, the movie serial killer Jason and the average end zone fan at Dolphin Stadium.
Billy Joel speaks
Pop musician Billy Joel, who is singing the National Anthem got to speak — and it’s a good thing he did. His answers to questions were remarkably candid and funny, even to the point of admitting that he’s not too crazy about the song, which he called “kind of a slog.”
“Let’s put it this way,” Joel said. “It’s a tough song. It’s not the best song ever written. America the Beautiful is a better song.”
When asked what will be going through his mind as he sings the song, Joel answered, “Don’t forget the words.”
Prince plays
Prince, who will be performing during the halftime show, put on a mini performance Thursday, doing a three-song set with his band inside the Miami Beach Convention Center for the Super Bowl media.
“Contrary to previous word,” he said as he took the stage, “I will answer questions.”
But when somebody shouted out a question, he and the band immediately broke into Johnny B. Goode.
It’s good to be a rock star
Back to the real world
After the show, we all got back to more serious business, such as interviewing the Burger King mascot.
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