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NB-GAY? Questionnaire for Players
To: All NBA players
From: Commissioner’s Office
Subject: Attitude survey re: gay players
Dear Players:
As you know, the recent unfortunate anti-gay statements by former all-star Tim Hardaway combined with the autobiography of John Amaechi, a former gay player, has created lots of interest in the news media about the league’s attitude toward homosexuality.
We have made a strong statement against Hardaway’s initial statements and for tolerance, but we’d like the honest, confidential opinions of you, the players in the NBA.
So please take a moment to fill out this anonymous questionnaire, so we here in the front office have a better idea about how you all feel, and to what level homophobia and/or homosexuality exists among players.
1. If I find myself on the court with a gay player, I would NOT _
(a) speak to him.
(b) make a pass to him.
(c) make a pass at him.
2. When Shaq backs his way into the low post, it’s …
(a) a good time for a double team.
(b) a way to free up a perimeter shooter.
(c) so hot.
3. If a teammate confided in me that he was gay, I would tell …
(a) nobody.
(b) a sports-talk radio show.
(c) my poodles.
4. The thing that bothers me most about a gay player on the team would be …
(a) it wouldn’t bother me at all.
(b) sharing a locker room.
(c) sharing my Judy Garland DVDs.
5. Please indicate which of the following basketball expressions make you feel vaguely uncomfortable.
(a) playing man-on-man
(b) dribbling behind the back
(c) shooting forward
(d) packing the paint
(e) none of the above
6. The only thing worse than a gay player in the league is …
(a) there’s nothing wrong with a gay player.
(b) a straight guy on Project Runway.
(c) The Boston Celtics.
7. If a male sportscaster started asking me questions about my attitudes toward gay players, I would …
(a) tell him that a player’s sexual orientation is irrelevant.
(b) echo Tim Hardaway’s homophobic statements.
(c) look into the bottomless azure pools of that sportscaster’s eyes, and tell him that maybe we should discuss it at a later time, perhaps over wine spritzers.
8. If you could change a name of an NBA team to make it less gay sounding, what team would that be?
(a) the Bucks
(b) the Nuggets
(c) the Pistons
(d) the Timberwolves
(e) every team’s name sounds gay to me
9. The most distracting part about playing on the road in New York is …
(a) the taunting fans in Madison Square Garden.
(b) all the beautiful women in the Big Apple.
(c) Fashion Week.
10. What can the league do to make playing in the NBA a more positive experience for you?
(a) ban gay players from the league.
(b) make public service TV ads to reinforce the league’s position that it will not tolerate discrimination against gay players.
(c) change the uniforms back to those 1970s-era tight-fitting shorty shorts.
Comments
By Jimmy David
February 23, 2007 12:49 AM | Link to this
LOL. This is hilarious, thanks.
By steve
February 23, 2007 4:33 PM | Link to this
Yawn, they actually pay you to write this drivel.