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Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Job Application — Head Coach, Miami Dolphins
Dear Applicant:
As you know, it hasn’t been easy for the Miami Dolphins management team to pick a new head coach from the scores of suitable replacements who have come forward.
Please forgive us for our procrastination, but unfortunately, we are no closer to picking a head coach than we were a week ago, and the list, rather than getting shorter, just keeps getting longer. And we’re getting beaten up on talk radio about playing favorites with some candidates.
So, to restore the faith of our fans, we have decided to evaluate applicants in a completely objective, unbiased way. We’ve decided that the next head coach will be picked solely on the answers to the following five-question Employment Quiz.
Just select the answer that applies to you. Each answer comes with a corresponding point score.
When all of you have had a chance to complete the quiz, we will pick the guy (or gal, that’s how open-minded we are) who has the highest score.
Good luck.
1. Does your name rhyme with “Hula” ?
No — 0 points
Yes — 10 points
2. How many times have you been fired from a head coaching job at other NFL teams?
1-3 times — 5 points
4 or more — 10 points
never NFL head coach — 15 points
3. Which job best describes your current status
NFL coach — 2 points
TV commentator — 1 point
Radio commentator — minus 5 points
son of former Dolphins head coach — 10 points
4. Complete the following sentence. “Nick Saban is _”
“somebody I admire” — 0 points
“dead to me” — 2 points
“the AntiChrist” — 5 points
“some guy trying to fill my shoes at Alabama” — 10 points
5. Imagine that your Miami Dolphins are one game away from having a perfect season. Before the game, you tell your team …
Win at any cost — 0 points
Just do the best you can — 5 points
Lose on purpose out of respect for the ‘72 Dolphins — 10 points
