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Tuesday, June 6, 2006
Soccer World Cup Fever in the U.S.A.: 98.6 (Fahrenheit)
U … S … A ……… U … S … oh, never mind
Friday, the World Cup Soccer Tournament begins in Germany. This once-every-four-years event is anticipated throughout the world with wild excitement.
Well, not exactly throughout the entire world. In the United States, soccer is still the sports equivalent of the metric system — yeah, we know the rest of the world is crazy about it, but we don’t care.
Soccer is a Celsius sport, and we’re still clinging to Fahrenheit.
Why isn’t soccer a beloved sport in America?
The Blogaroni presents …
Ten Reasons Why America Isn’t Wild About Soccer
1. We Didn’t Invent It
Football, baseball and basketball are American sports. As for ice hockey, we’re humoring the Canadians on that one.
But soccer is in the category of “other” sports that include cycling, rugby, curling and cricket.
2. Multi-language aspect of the game prevents proper understanding of on-field insults.
3.Soccer hair
Wet, unruly and lots of it.
4.Soccer fans
They’re just plain scary.
The Dutch all show up in orange, and look vaguely demented …
… the English want to fight …
… and the Brazilians come to dance.
The average international soccer crowd makes a Miami Dolphins - New York Jets football game seem like a ladies club social.
5. Not enough scoring in soccer
Too many games end without either team getting a goal.
If you watch something for two hours and nobody scores, you’re either at a soccer game — or a Star Trek convention.
6. So many games end in a tie
This is clearly un-American. America likes victory, even when its only an imaginary one.
7. Deciding a game by penalty kicks
Sometimes the only way to come up with a champion is to have a round of penalty kicks after the game.
I recall the Brazil-Italy World Cup final in 1994. The game ended after regulation play plus extra time in a 0-0 tie. Italy lost because during the penalty kick phase, Roberto Baggio, kicked one over the crossbar of the goal.
Ending a game this way is like deciding a champ by holding a spelling bee.
Americans prefer the baseball model, where teams keep playing the game for as many innings as it takes for somebody to break the tie.
8. Players faking injuries
When players lose the ball to a player on the other team, the usual reaction is to flop on the pitch, as if the victim of a horrible foul that appears to have caused a career-ending injury.
The player stays immobile on the field in a state of theatrical paralysis until the referee stops play, and orders that the player be carried off the field in a stretcher.
The injury lasts precisely as long as it takes the stretcher to reach the touchline. Once off the field, the player bounds out of the stretcher, fully recovered, and ready to rejoin the game at the next opportunity.
In America, people who want to fake injuries have a different venue just for them: It’s called the courthouse.
9. Excessive celebration after goal scoring
American baseball players rarely show emotion on the field, even after hitting a home run. American football players can get penalized for excessive celebration on the field. And in basketball, there’s so much scoring, that players usually only have time for a single thrust of a fist in the air before they have to dash down the court to prevent the next score.
But in soccer, because goals are so far and few between, the celebration seems to have no bounds.
A goal is usually cause for diving onto the pitch to await the rest of your team to pile on top of you in some kind of ritualistic S&M exhibition.
10. Mexico beats the U.S. too often
This is clearly problematic. How are we supposed to build a wall along their border and play the role of the superior nation when they routinely beat us in soccer?
Clearly, America won’t begin to fully embrace soccer until we can ensure that when Mexicans come here, it will be to be exploited by American employers, not to celebrate the soccer prowess of their national team.
