Marriage sometimes comes with challenges. Marriage to a cleric almost always comes with challenges.

"Clergy spouses are swept up into a world that they don't have much choice in," says Charles Figley, a Florida State University professor who has made a career of studying the pressures that pull and tug at people living out their lives in front of the public — celebrities, politicians and members of the clergy.

Among the varying problems they face, a frequent one is being forced to live a transparent life, in full view of the larger community.

The spouses of clerics face the additional challenges of dealing with the expectations of a religious community, fatigue brought on by the long hours and emotionally draining work of clerics — counseling, funerals, endless hospital visits — and confusion over the role they are expected to handle.

Hundreds of books have been written about the stress of living in a fishbowl, and the Internet overflows with blogs and Web sites written by the wives of clerics who detail lives of loneliness, spent serving God and their husbands, filled with thankless jobs and a constant flow of guests in their homes.

Yet, just as relationship roles are being redefined in America in this still-young century, so they are in clergy marriages.

Today, many spouses of clerics say they feel more free to be their own person than did those in previous generations. They are more likely to express enthusiasm for their work in the community and respect for their clergy partner then anger at losing their privacy or sense of self.

Inside Living today we explore the joys and challenges of four metro Atlantans married to clerics — a retired Episcopal bishop, Disciples of Christ minister, a rabbi and iman — who confess to lives both hectic and fulfilling.

It's worth noting that three of the four had parents who were clergy or doctors, apparently marrying their spouses with a clear-eyed view of the demands of life in service to others.

Safiyah Abdul Khaaliq

Mikki K. Harris / mkharris@ajc.com

Age: 62

Religion: Islam

Married to: Imam Nashid Abdul Khaaliq, Masjid An Nur, Lithonia

Years Married: 14

Number of children: 5

Q: Did you know what you were getting into when you married a cleric?

A: When I married him, he had just become an imam.

Q: How are you viewed in your community?

A: I don't believe there are any expectations. They're not looking at me under a microscope. My own personal expectations come from my strong desire to make sure that Muslim women understand and express and learn who they are as Muslim women, based on what Allah says, and not what man says.

Q: What is your role in the community?

A: I chair a nonprofit group called Essential Living for Muslim women (where) I teach classical Arabic so women can translate their Qu'ran and I run a health literacy group because I find that as Muslim women we tend to put ourselves last. Our health group is on the road a lot, going from masjid to masjid to talk about women's health and lifecycle issues, and it does build a really cool kind of sisterhood.

I don't do this because I'm an Imam's wife. I do it because I'm Safiyah. I do it because I want for my sisters what I want for myself.

Q: How do you avoid blurring boundaries?

A: We keep it separate. If they call (the iman), they call him . . . if the wife wants me there, I will go. If a sister comes to me . . . or asks me to meet her at the masjid, I will do that. A lot of times, sisters do not want to talk to the imams (because they fear) that they will be told, "oh sister, go home, it will get better, be more submissive, be more obedient," as if it's her fault.

Q: How do you balance your communal and personal life?

A: As an Imam's wife I am very busy, with emails, and mailings, and lectures and being out in the community. But I'm not stupid. I realize our home life has to be taken care of. I have a 17 year-old still at home who will eat the refrigerator door if I'm not there.

Q: What are the challenges?

A: There are 36 different ethnic groups in the Atlanta Muslim population. It's sometimes very difficult for us to get into those different communities. I try to teach women how to separate culture, myth, and tradition from the religion. Because some things can inhibit your free will, and once your free will is inhibited, you can't do what Allah wants you to do.

A lot of the immigrant women, they put high status on an imam's wife. And I tell them, "look at me as another human being like yourself, and let's move from that point forward."

Q: What are the rewards for you of being involved in your religious community?

A: The health education group is bringing the whole community together. That, to me, is overwhelming — we're all starting to come together and we do not allow cultures and traditions to separate us. As Muslim women we get the short end of the stick, and then we take that short end and beat each other up with it, and that has got to stop. So I get a lot out of it when I see women stand up without fear, to see the strength that comes forth.

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Elizabeth Allen

Mikki K. Harris / mkharris@ajc.com

Age: 71

Religion / Denomination: Christianity / Episcopalian

Married to: Frank Allen, retired Episcopal Bishop for the diocese of Atlanta

Years Married: 51

Number of children: 4

Q: Did you know what you were getting into when you married a clergyperson?

A: When I met Frank I didn't know he was going to be a minister.

Q: How did your family react?

A: My mother said, "Oh gosh Elizabeth, you can't stand to wear a hat!" which was true. And back then Episcopalians wore hats.

Q: What type of role did you take on in your church community?

A: When we left Seminary, Frank became the Rector in Dalton. So at the age of 22 I was the Rector's wife and had 4 children in the space of 4 and-a-half years. What saved us was that they didn't expect me to do much, and it was a wonderful experience. When we lived in Columbia, Tenn. for two years I decided to go to night school to re-do my teaching certificate.

And in Macon, from 1968-1977 there was so much going on. There was the Vietnam war, there was integration, there was the riot at the Democratic national convention, there was women's ordination and the new prayer book. It was an interesting, interesting time. And I was very involved.

I did do altar guild and taught Sunday school for about 30 years. But obviously I was not the "most active."

Q: What have been some of the challenges in being married to a minister?

A: I guess to a certain extent there is more of a public life, but most times I think it's not much different from being anything else — sure we move to strange locations, but so do people in the military. But I guess there is that "triangulating" business, where you have the Clergy person, the wife, and the parish. But the way I handled that was if someone came to me to complain about something small, I'd either keep it to myself, or tell them to talk to Frank about it directly.

Q: What about managing your time together?

A: A school teacher and a minister sounds like a nice mix; they're both in the helping professions and share similar skills and interests. But as far as time together; the clergy person is busy on the weekends, up through Sunday night. And teachers are locked into the week. So you really don't have a weekend.

Q: What about the rewards?

A: You go to a new place and you have got a community right there that is interested in you. And I like being with people. We've been sort of in on the ground floor in terms of women's ordination and that was exciting.

Q: What about friendships?

A: We had heard that you shouldn't have friends in the parish, but on the other hand when we were in Dalton, it was a small town. We used to laugh that every time we made friends with someone they'd join the Church.

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Dena Schusterman

Mikki K. Harris / mkharris@ajc.com

Age: 32

Religion / Denomination: Judaism / Orthodox

Married To: Rabbi Eliahu Schusterman, Intown Chabad

Years Married: 13

Number Of Children: 6

Q: Did you know what you were getting into when you married a rabbi?

A: Yes, I did. My father was a rabbi, so I had grown up knowing what that life is like.

Q: What is your role in your husband's work?

A: Chabad is different ... the rabbi and his wife, the rebbetzin, are a team. The word for it is "shluchim," meaning "messengers." So, in general, Chabad shluchim don't go out as a single person, they go out as a married couple.

Q: How are you involved in your community?

A: Many Chabad women call themselves co-director. I'm the director of education, but I don't want to be the co-director. I don't want to get involved in raising money. I think I can better serve the people if I'm focused on the educational part and the children. I do one-on-one study with women, I run the Hebrew School and the summer day camp, but it also depends on what's going on in my life ... if I just had a baby or am going to have another baby, it's very fluid.

Q: How do you avoid blurring boundaries?

A: We know our boundaries and we know our limits. People know my house is open — during Shabbat people come straight from the synagogue, the kids play, and that's fine. People respect us and know that we have a big family. Boundary issues are not my issue.

Q: How do you maintain a relationship with your spouse?

A: We try to go out once a week on our own, just to talk, and especially to speak about the kids. Chasidic thought says you should think about your children for half an hour each night; and that can't always happen so if we spend a half an hour per week per child, then we're doing good.

Q: What are the challenges?

A: The challenge I face is not having a support system of family and friends and people who are like me all around.

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Lance Pape

Mikki K. Harris / mkharris@ajc.com

Age: 38

Religion / Denomination: Christianity / Disciples of Christ

Married to: The Rev. Katie Hayes Head, Lawrenceville First Christian Church

Years Married: 17

Number of children: 2

Q: Did you know what you were getting into when you married a pastor?

A: Well, yes and no. I'm a preacher's kid, but I never expected to be on this side of it!

Q: What were the early years of your marriage like ?

A: We were co-ministers in churches in Birmingham, Ala. and West Islip, N.Y. After that, we were running out of progressive Church of Christ churches that wanted a co-ministry couple, so I decided to come to Emory to get my PhD in homiletics. Katie transferred her standing to Disciples of Christ and she ended up at Lawrenceville First Christian.

Q: What about now, how involved are you?

A: My role now is much easier on a marriage then co-ministry, where you're way too enmeshed in each other's business. I teach religious education. I sing in the choir. Katie invites me to preach occasionally.

Q: What were some of the challenges of co-ministry?

A: If one of us ends up in a conflict in the church, the other is implicated and feels responsible for what the other does. It can be a really trying thing to negotiate. And when you're co-ministers, there's no difference between your work life, your spiritual life, and your personal life, and those three things are very hard to untangle.

Q: What about challenges just as the pastor's husband?

A: I have intentionally not gotten involved in leadership, like being a deacon; I think that would be strange.

Q: Any rules you have established as a couple?

A: I hear her preach every week, and I have strong opinions about preaching! Since we both specialized academically in preaching (homiletics) pretty early on we reached the conclusion that there are no comments about the sermon on Sunday. Monday's okay, but not Sunday.

Q: How do you avoid blurring boundaries or the feeling that the congregation may be taking up too much of your life?

A: I grew up with a dad getting called at 2 a.m. so I totally understood that was part of it and I embraced it. In co-ministry we lived in a manse, which can be a death trap because people feel they can drop in anytime. That's when we learned to set boundaries and I think Katie's good at that.

Q: What are the rewards for you of being the Pastor's husband?

A: There is that sense that the congregation takes care of the pastor's family. My kids probably receive special attention and affection, because they're always there.