DEL.ICIO.USHow a concept might backfire (hint, hint)
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Thursday, September 04, 2008
“Hello, my name is Meghan, and I’m pleased to be your server tonight.”
“Hi, Meghan. What’s good here?”
 John Kessler writes food features and a column about food and more for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution E-mail John Kessler Recent Kessler columns Related:
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“Have you ever dined with us before? No? Then please allow me a few minutes, bordering on a very brief and entertaining hour, to tell you about our restaurant.
“As I’m sure you know, this is a farm-to-table establishment, and our chef takes his mandate very seriously. He buys only organic and locally raised product. In fact, most of our vegetables are grown right here in Atlanta, inside the Perimeter, and brought to the restaurant in a horse-drawn carriage to reduce our carbon footprint. We consider ourselves responsible stewards of the Earth’s future. Why, we even compost the horse manure for our kitchen garden.”
“Well, that’s quite admirable. We are trying to catch a movie, so do you think we could be out of here by, say, 8 o’clock?”
“That may prove difficult. Have you ever heard of the slow food movement? We are glacially slow and proud of it. We believe good, wholesome food takes time to grow, to select and to prepare. Our cooks cure all their meats, pickle their own vegetables and chop all their firewood to order. The servers never, ever rush them. See that table over there? Those people have been here since Thursday, and they couldn’t be happier.”
“Then let’s get our order in right away. What do you recommend?”
“You must try our tomato salad. You choose the heirloom variety that most suits your mood, and the sommelier will bring out a perfectly matched wine. Gourmet magazine said that tomatoes haven’t been this good since the days of feudalism.”
“I see. Well, would you recommend the Zapotec Pleated Tomato?”
“Brilliant choice, sir. This pink Oaxacan variety has pleated ruffles and looks absolutely stunning on the plate.”
“And how does the chef prepare it?”
“He puts it on the plate. Taking a knife to it would bruise the flesh.”
“OK, sold. Now for my main course. I was looking at the menu, but it doesn’t appear that you serve any kind of meat other than pork.”
“Yes, the chef believes that pork is the only ‘cool’ meat. In fact, later in the evening he’ll come into the dining room wearing just a Speedo and a toque to show you his head-to-toe tattoos of primal-cut pork. Aren’t you curious to know where the Boston butt comes from?”
“Not really. I’m supposed to pick the breed?”
“Yes! Different breeds of heirloom pork have subtly different characters, and our sommelier would be more than happy to find a matching wine for the breed you choose. Trust me on this one: the Kurobuta rocks out a pinot noir.”
“Then let’s go for it.”
“Another excellent choice. I hope you realize that all of our pigs were humanely raised in an Inman Park Victorian and then personally slaughtered by the chef, who cried. Up until the end it was just like ‘The Real World: Atlanta’ for them.”
“Fine, could I get some bread to start?”
“Let me check on that. The girl who prepares it had a little accident at our grist mill today, so the bread service may be delayed. In the meantime let me call the aqua-sommelier over. In order to conserve our precious natural resources, we offer a choice of artesian spring waters from the four corners of the Earth.”
Comments
By JB
Sep 8, 2008 9:45 PM | Link to this
Was this done in a sarcastic tone or is this a review for a new restaurant in town? I've never heard of a Pleated Zapotec or whatever but I can't say I've ever eaten an heirloom I didn't like. I sure can't wait to taste pork where the chef had an emotional attachment to the pig he raised...I'll be patient and catch the late show.
By copdawg
Sep 8, 2008 12:58 PM | Link to this
hey, we recently had the pleasure of eating at a restuarant in paso robles, ca. they have a unique way of serving that we found strange to begin with but then really warmed to the idea. no hostess, just a box containing the menus and a note, seat yourself and when you have decided please order at the counter. your wait person came to your table to take your drink order then left you alone to enjoy your drink and select you meal at your leisure. once you ordered then service then reflected that of any other quality restaurant. we sat, enjoyed our drink and placed our order after about 15 minutes.
ps, the food was great
By Bob Ichter
Sep 8, 2008 11:39 AM | Link to this
Fabulously Funny, and dead on.
I remember my first experience with a place like this.
The old Indigo in Morningside/Va Highland...what's the special of the day? " Morning harvested, virgin St. George blue scallops gathered by a left handed diver, roasted in parchment [ read, an old coffee filter ] with a gathering of late summer baby indian corn and heirloom tomatillos ......." as if the vegetables gathered them selves together on the plate...
By ron
Sep 6, 2008 4:08 PM | Link to this
It's odd that you should mention salt.By mistake I just purchased a box of sea salt.On the box is printed,"these all natural sea salts are harvested from the picturesque saltpans of Trapani and Marsala in Western Sicily".
I don't know if I should eat it or worship it.
By JohnKessler
Sep 5, 2008 5:40 PM | Link to this
thanks, folks!
By BCL
Sep 5, 2008 4:39 PM | Link to this
This is great! Did you happen to click on the heirloom pork link?
Thanks for opening some eyes to this...
By ExWaitress
Sep 5, 2008 1:00 PM | Link to this
Eric B. You get "the look" because they want you to order something that costs money. Most of their wages come from your tip....the bigger the check, the bigger the tip (unless you are a bad tipper).
By Gradygram
Sep 5, 2008 8:40 AM | Link to this
I personally despise scripting, whether at a restaurant or at a hospital. Sound like a bunch of robots, or parrots. I can read a menu and I will order what I want, when I am ready to. If I am feeling particularly curious, I may ask what the special of the day is. But you know you can't blame the servers.......it is the management that makes them do this. I have worked hospitals where we had to do it too, and I hated it. One of them actually tried to make us say, "Is there anything else I can do for you? I HAVE THE TIME." Dang it, it was a busy ER and we were stretched to our limits but 'customer service' was more important than the medical stuff we needed to do. Guess what? I won't work for anyplace that makes us do that. Common sense, courtesy, and a willingness to answer questions as they come up works for me. Same with the restaurants I frequent. As soon as I hear that scripted stuff, I want to leave. And save me from those who would stoop down at my table to get lower than eye level. Y'all remember that one? You are not my friend, nor my servent. Just the waiter, or waitress who takes my order. Get it right, make it right, keep an eye out for me, looking for you, when I want something else......and I am a huge tipper. May be an RN now, but I have been a waitress before, and I remember.
By James
Sep 4, 2008 8:40 PM | Link to this
These same waiters and waitresses that today echo the same spiel word for word to every table in their section, usually in a higher than necessary pitch, are the same people who a few years back were just as pleased to tell you about the all you can eat frozen crab legs or blooming fking onion in whatever hole they learned this corporate brand of service.
They most likely have just as much carnal knowledge about the Sysco delivery person of yore as they do helpful information about the dishes the chefs are preparing, not to mention the smoked sea salts, breathing muscle of the steer, or house cured lardo.
And as confident and full of themselves as they sound when they are talking down to a guest, flaunting their wine vocabulary or hawking some tidbit of information they picked up off the chef earlier that day, they are the same servers that fall apart once the pace picks up and when the **** hits the fan they won't be there to pick up the pieces. Instead, they will be hiding in a corner crying into a handful of coffee filters.
Perhaps Iım old school, but I think it is a disgrace to the establishment and to those of us who give a damn to hear our self-absorbed colleagues sounding like a broken record in the next section over, or, even worse, to get this kind of service when we finally get a chance to go eat at a new restaurant we've been looking forward to. Restaurant owners and managers who hire these waitrons are either too lazy, donıt care, or donıt realize that the service element can make or break the deal as much as the food.
And then there is the foodı Chefs are coming out of the woodwork to piggyback the farm to table movement and as viable and important it is, it is being undermined by the same-same pitfalls of trendiness and duplicity and is starting to look a lot like its over stylized counterparts.
Going into the busy season letıs raise the bar of service and food preparation for our guests, not our own egos.
By Ben
Sep 4, 2008 4:35 PM | Link to this
Dadburn, Kessler that was hilarious. Better even than your paranoid classic on eating takeout food at your desk.
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