An assertive man in the workplace often is thought of as a bold leader or, at worst, a cranky one. For a man, crankiness often is considered just a quirk.

An assertive woman, however, walks a fine line between being viewed as a leader or as a . . . well, let's just say it rhymes with "witch."

LEITA COWART/Special (ENLARGE)

'Stand up and don't be run over. If you're the only female in the room, it's a good idea to go ahead and express yourself. Make sure you're being heard.' SALLY JAMARA Organizational psychologist

It's all a matter of perception, says Sally Jamara, an organizational psychologist and partner in Traversa Consulting in Sandy Springs.

"I don't know that men and women necessarily do things differently," she said. "They are perceived differently."

It goes back to stereotypes. Men are the hunters; women are the nurturers. Many perceptions of how a woman "should" behave still exist, Jamara said.

"Some see being competitive as not being constructive," she said. "Women can't control how others perceive them."

"Women aren't expected to be assertive," said Stanlee Phelps, a California-based executive coach and co-author of "The Assertive Woman."

Some people aren't used to a woman looking them straight in the eye or speaking directly. Women are expected "to act more demure, try not to be offensive," she said. "Historically, [assertiveness] is labeled as masculine."

But now that humans have traded caves for corner offices, it's about leadership, Jamara said.

Assertiveness goes with being a leader, she said, whether one is leading a team of co-workers or the whole company.

That's where one of the differences between male and female leadership styles takes hold. Women, more often, are consensus-builders and allow everyone else to offer an opinion.

"One of the most dangerous decision-making processes is group think," Jamara said.

In trying to come up with a solution that pleases everybody, it often ends up pleasing nobody — and failing to solve the problem at hand, she said. That raises questions about leadership ability.

A good leader, Jamara said, wants to hear different perspectives. And that's the goal of having a diverse work force: bringing in those different perspectives.

People — both men and women — want to feel that they have been heard, she said.

"Successful people . . . when they listen, make you feel like you're the only person on Earth," said Nancy Austin, the California-based co-

author of "The Assertive Woman" and a speaker and author on management topics. "Being assertive is the ability to listen as well as articulate your position."

"Delivery style is critical" to being successfully assertive, Jamara said. Do it with confidence, without putting yourself down and without letting your ego get in the way.

Women may lack the self-confidence a leader needs, often using qualifiers or self-deprecation when presenting their views, she said.

The qualifiers lessen the impact of the message.

"By the time you get to the point, people have lost it," she said.

Have confidence, Jamara advised, with no hesitation in your voice.

Don't be confrontational or harsh, she added. "To get your point across, you do not have to put anyone else down."

Instead of tearing down a rival idea, for example, she suggested presenting your own view by saying, "Here's another option . . ." If you create an alternative, people may be more open to your idea.

Insecurity also can cause other problems for people in charge.

"If they're insecure, they may [think they are] more of an expert than they really are, and that gets them in trouble," Jamara said. "It happens more with women, because they're not as secure in their positions.

"Recognize your own capabilities and feel comfortable not knowing everything."

A woman who is a member of the group needs to be appropriately assertive, Jamara said. That means making sure her perspective is heard, even though it's not necessarily agreed with.

"Stand up and don't be run over," she said. "If you're the only female in the room, it's a good idea to go ahead and express yourself. Make sure you're being heard."

There's a difference between being aggressive and being assertive, Phelps said.

"Assertiveness is being your authentic self," Phelps said. "An aggressive person really [is] self-serving, without concern for the impact on the other person, and [is] not being respectful" of others' feelings.

An aggressive person's goal, she said, is to win at all costs, while an assertive person's goal is a win-win solution that allows the other person to retain his or her dignity.

Women need to be clear about what they are trying to accomplish, either as the leader or a member of a group, Jamara said.

"If you're not clear about your intentions, people can misconstrue them, [as though you're] advocating for [yourself] and not the group," she said.

The competition should be external — reaching the group's goals — rather than internal, among members of the group.

Phelps advised women to "believe it's OK to be assertive. It's OK to be true to yourself."

And, yes, she said, women can be both assertive and feminine.

Phelps and Austin advise women to seek out assertive individuals, both men and women, and gain their support and feedback.

Seek a reality check, Austin said, by asking: "How do I come across? How do they see me?"

Phelps added, "Know what your buttons are," and deactivate them. If other people know how to upset or anger you, they will use that for their own ends, she warned. If you know it's coming and are prepared not to be fazed, you can keep control of the situation.

By being assertive, "you are aware you have a choice" whether to pursue a point or to back down, Phelps said.

Sometimes, being assertive isn't the best path to accomplishing a goal, she said.

"You don't have to be assertive in every setting," Phelps said. "Sometimes, it's in your best interest to take a pass."

But women who aren't assertive don't have that choice, she added.

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