Deciding whether and how to help one's children with their job searches is an individual parenting choice. Some families prefer the hands-off approach, with each child making his or her own way in the world. More often, parents feel obligated to help their offspring launch their careers.
Some ways of "helping" a child in his or her career are more helpful than others. Indeed, this can be a critical stage in the relationship between child and parent, when they can grow in respect for and friendship with each other. Or it can become a sore spot that takes years to overcome.
Here are some tips to help you achieve the better outcome.
1. Acknowledge that the world is different than it was when you were starting out. It's not that today's new workers have it so much better or worse than you did — just different. Rather than saying, "When I was your age . . .," try instead: "I wonder if any of my experiences would be helpful. I'd like to tell you about . . ."
2. Respect your child's choices; ask questions instead of judging. You may be certain that your child is making a terrible mistake. Repeat after me: "If so, so what?" Find out what he or she is thinking and why, then decide whether you want to support this plan. If you don't, explain why, but wish your offspring luck nevertheless. Never forget the difference between supporting the plan and supporting the child.
3. Don't take things too seriously. Repeat again: "If so, so what?" Whatever your fears for your child's professional future, let them go. Instill a few key principles, such as controlling debt and building savings, and your child always will be able to dig out of a bad career decision.
4. Model good decision-
making, lifelong learning and the joy of working. Whatever cynicism or fear you have about the work world, stow it. Better yet, let your child's fresh view on things freshen your perspective. If you're unhappy at work, correct your situation before attempting to assist your child.
5. Share your network. You probably know 50 or 100 people in a variety of jobs who would share advice with your child.
E-mail or call them to verify their willingness to talk with your child and to make clear (a) that you have no further expectations, such as that they would hire your child and (b) that you would do the same for their children. Then hand the list over to your son or daughter with a short lesson on informational interviewing. (Feel free to e-mail me for a free tip sheet on this.)
6. Don't share job leads. Unless you have access to something your child absolutely wouldn't find on his or her own, keep your leads to yourself. Why? Because when they come from a parent, leads look more like a command — or an insult — than a favor.
7. Lend financial support judiciously. I'm not sure where the idea got started that a young adult without a job needs to live at home, but I think it can be a dangerous course. Consider instead a few investments that pack a punch — money for interview outfits or career counseling, for example, or help with transportation costs.
8. Enjoy this period in your children's lives. They only pass this way once. Take time to enjoy the journey with them.
- Amy Lindgren owns Prototype Career Service, a career consulting firm in St. Paul, Minn. She can be reached at alindgren@prototypecareerservice.com or at 1071 W. Seventh St., St. Paul, MN 55102.