Q: My extremely overweight female boss keeps saying I have emotional problems because I cry when she fusses at me. She thinks I should see a doctor and take anxiety medication like she does.
I find this very insulting. I don't think it's appropriate for her to diagnose me just because she has an undergraduate degree in psychology. I do see a psychiatrist for help with my issues, but I shouldn't have to share my medical history at work.
She and her manager constantly tell me I'm doing a great job, so my emotional state is not adversely affecting my work. How do I get my boss to stop invading my privacy?
A: Your manager's desire to play amateur psychologist is completely out of line. You are under no obligation to discuss your "issues" or treatment with her. To discourage such intrusive conversations, politely refuse to respond.
The next time your manager shifts into diagnostic mode, calmly state, "I appreciate your concern, but I'd really prefer not to talk about that." If she makes other attempts to assess your mental health, say "thanks for your opinion" and change the subject.
This strategy can succeed only if you avoid bringing up personal topics yourself. When talking to your boss, stay focused on work. And, because your crying triggers these interventions, try to keep your emotions in check.
Speaking of emotions, the "extremely overweight female boss" comment sounds rather hostile. Because anger toward the boss is never helpful, try to view your misguided manager as having poor judgment but good intentions. After all, she continually praises your work, so she can't be all bad.
Q: I have been fired from almost every job I've had. My friend says I'm unlucky, because I wind up in impossible situations that I can't escape.
I know that difficult people are in every workplace, but I guess I haven't learned how to properly navigate around the worst ones. I've tried the fight-back approach and the just-deal-with-it approach, but neither seems to work.
I have been fired from five jobs in seven years. What would you recommend for someone like me?
A: Getting fired five times in seven years is not bad luck. It's a self-destructive pattern.
Based on your description, you appear to get emotionally "hooked" by certain types of people. The resulting conflict eventually causes management to view you as a liability.
To break this pattern, stop blaming the "difficult" co-workers and start identifying your own troublesome behaviors. Review the events that preceded each termination. How did your actions make the situation worse? What could you have done differently?
If you can't answer these questions, ask for feedback from managers, co-workers, friends or relatives. Listen carefully to what they say. And don't argue.
To salvage your career, you must become a stable, cooperative, undemanding employee. If you can't make this change on your own, seek professional counseling.
- Marie G. McIntyre is an Atlanta-based workplace coach. Her weekly column is syndicated by Knight Ridder/Tribune News Service. Send questions at www.yourofficecoach.com.