You're sitting at your in-laws' bounteous table, having traveled five hours on crowded roads to share Thanksgiving dinner with extended family and friends. You're about to dig into the turkey and mashed potatoes when your wife's second cousin — whom you've never met — asks the inevitable question:
"So, what do you do?"
 SCOTT THIGPEN/Special |
 LEITA COWART/Special |
| Mary Pike, principal of Inside Job Inc., said that a social setting, such as Thanksgiving dinner, is no place to grouse about your boss and co-workers. 'Your grandmother was right. If you can't say something nice about someone, it's better not to say anything at all.' |
Whether it's turkey time, Santa season or a party to ring in the New Year, people will talk about work.
" 'What do you do for a living?' is what people commonly ask in this country, because we focus so much on our vocational identity," said Pamela Reyes, an Atlanta career coach and counselor to individuals and corporations. "People tend to answer it in two ways. If they've been with a well-known company for a long time, they may say something like, 'I've been in product distribution for 25 years at Coca-Cola,' but, with people changing jobs more often, they may identify themselves with a short descriptive title, such as 'I'm an executive recruitment specialist.' "
Expect to hear questions about your job at this time of year, as we head into the season of holiday dinners, office parties and neighborhood gatherings. Learning to answer the question well could benefit your career and personal relationships.
"Holiday gatherings — even ones with extended family, are a great time to informally network and brand yourself and your products or services," said Margot King, CEO of OnSite Resource Solutions. "People may not know what you do, and they may be more open to listening at a party or dinner.
"The key is to find that balance between boring people and getting the word out about what you do."
Do you hold forth for 20 minutes on the fascinating details of financial auditing? Or vent about what the housing market is doing to your real estate business? Or brag about the wonders of your latest promotion?
None of the above, King said.
"You give a 15- to 30-second 'elevator speech' that sums up your work, and you keep it a conversation, not a dissertation," she said. "For people to be interested in you, you need to be interested in them. At family and social gatherings, we're all looking for common denominators, whether that's work, hobbies or interests."
As a conversation develops, you may be able to say that your company is looking to hire new sales personnel, if the person seems interested.
When someone you haven't seen in awhile asks "What's new?" at a gathering, it's perfectly acceptable to tell him or her a little bit about work, said Barbara Pachter, author and business communication and etiquette expert, who heads Pachter & Associates.
"Work is a part of you and should be shared, but keep it positive, upbeat and informative, and don't monopolize the conversation," she said.
A social setting is not the time to be actively job searching, handing out business cards to strangers or selling your new software, said Mary Pike, principal of Inside Job Inc., an Atlanta coaching, training and leadership-development firm.
"There are social rules of etiquette that should be kept," Pike said. "It's important to remember the reason why you are there: You're there to share Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends; you're a guest at someone's wedding; or you're celebrating the holidays with co-workers and their spouses. It's not a workplace setting, and you don't want to cross those unspoken boundaries."
Everyone can relate to being stuck in (and wanting to escape from) one-way conversations with people who aren't happy in their jobs or their marriages and think you want to hear it, she said.
"That kind of negativity just messes up the energy in the room. It's not why you are there or how you want to be remembered," Pike said. "When you focus on the positive things about your life, people will gravitate to you. Positive people are magnets."
So how do you learn to talk about work in ways that will make people want to get to know you better and will let you expand your social and business networks?
Speak in user-friendly language.
"Be able to explain what you do so that people can easily understand it," Reyes said.
For example, "you might say, 'I'm a financial planner who helps people make the most of their money so they can afford to do what's important to them.'
"If people can understand it, it's not boring, and they'll remember you. When you use industry jargon, it has the effect of putting distance between you and your audience, and you don't want distance at a social gathering."
Always remember to ask about the other person's work. It should be a conversation, and reciprocity is important.
Keep it positive.
"Your grandmother was right. If you can't say something nice about someone, it's better not to say anything at all," Pike said.
"Don't vent about your boss [or] your co-workers or speak harshly about the company. It can backfire on you," King said.
If you're slamming the company you work for, you may be cutting yourself off from future job opportunities.
"If you're in a troubled industry or company, and someone asks, put a positive spin on it, such as 'We've been having some challenges lately.' Use 'we' or 'us' to show that you identify with the organization," Reyes said. "If you say 'I don't know what's wrong with the leadership,' people might assume that you'd do the same thing at their company. If you're going to talk about your job, be enthusiastic."
Don't share too much.
"Obviously, you don't share company secrets or insider information. Confidentiality is important in the business world and should be a part of your personal brand. You want people to know that you are trustworthy and reliable," King said.
"Even at a social setting, you need to assess the risks if you don't know who is listening," Pike said. "Unless you're talking to a close personal friend, think about the consequences before you speak. Can you live with them if the information gets passed to the wrong person?"
"It may sound innocuous to say you're planning on leaving a company at a family dinner, but suppose your uncle's new wife's cousin is secretary to your company president?" Pachter said.
Use humor.
"If you don't want to talk about work and someone asks, you can always say something like 'Do you have three hours? I'd love to tell you about it' and then graciously change the subject to something you'd rather talk about," Pike said.
If you've just lost your job, keep it light, Reyes said. "You can say: 'I'm in the midst of that character-building experience called "being in transition." Have you had the pleasure of knowing that?' "
In today's market, people understand downsizing, and they may be sympathetic and willing to help you.
"It can be embarrassing to admit a job loss, but the sooner you overcome the embarrassment, the sooner you can move to the next step. Your family and friends might have some good ideas," King said.
Don't talk about money.
"You should never talk about compensation or how big you expect your bonus to be, especially at a social function," Reyes said.
Don't make sexual, racial or ethnic slurs about the people you work with, either.
Be prepared.
"You should always keep your eyes and ears open to new opportunities, and think ahead. If someone asks if they can contact you, have some business cards with you," King said.