Q: I work for the president and vice president of a small company. The president and I can discuss anything and are usually on the same page. The VP, however, is a totally different story. He has a very confrontational personality, does not show respect for other people and verbally abuses me when no one is around. I've noticed that he is especially hard on me when he has tight deadlines to meet. I have been in abusive relationships in my personal life and do not intend to condone this total lack of consideration. However, I am not sure exactly how to handle this.
A: When executives choose to act like 2-year-olds, the first rule is to avoid arguments and confrontations. That only adds fuel to the fire and can endanger your career. But you do have several other options.
The simplest strategy is to deprive your VP of the reaction he probably wants. This means remaining completely calm whenever he becomes confrontational. Abusive people are rewarded by the fearful or angry reactions of others. So if you shift into neutral and offer no emotional response, he may quiet down eventually. When bosses act like children, employees often need to be the adults.
If you are feeling bold, find a peaceful moment to talk with the VP. Tell him you understand that his job is stressful, but, unfortunately, his stress is affecting you.
Describe how anger and hostility make it difficult for you to focus on work. Explain that in the future you will need to get out of his way when he is upset. Then, whenever he starts to attack, politely excuse yourself.
Your third choice is to rat him out. Since you get along with the president, tell him about the problem in a calm, businesslike manner.
Ask for his suggestions and, if appropriate, request that he talk with the VP. After all, he is the guy's boss and therefore has some responsibility for his behavior.
If the above strategies fail, then you need to leave. As you already have learned in your personal relationships, continuing to tolerate abuse is not an acceptable choice.
- Marie G. McIntyre is an Atlanta-based workplace coach. Her weekly column is syndicated by Knight Ridder/Tribune News Service. Send questions at www.yourofficecoach.com.