MOMania

By Theresa

March 5, 2009 8:15 AM | Link to this

Hey Guys — I don’t know what is going on with the formatting. I promise you have spaces between paragraphs in the original. I don’t know why it’s not translating onto the screen.

We are switching to a brand-new blogging platform, which should be tomorrow. Our address will be changing slightly so you guys will need to update your bookmarks and RSS feeds. I will give you more information later today!!

One big change will be that we can create our own POLLS! I would love to do a new poll every day but I need YOUR help coming up with great poll questions. So email me your awesome poll questions and we can start using them. I think it will be really fun! You can email me at ajcmomania@gmail.com

By JJ

March 5, 2009 9:22 AM | Link to this

My daughter had a couple of toxic friends during middle school.

I didn’t intervene, I just told her that you are judged by the company you keep. If a friend of yours was caught with drugs, and you are hanging out with them, whether you are doing drugs or not, people will think you are, simply by association.

What’s even worse, is when your child tells YOU one of YOUR friends is toxic and you shouldn’t hang around them. My daughter hates this one person in my social circle. And has made it very clear to me of her feelings.

By DB

March 5, 2009 11:04 AM | Link to this

Theresa, you may not have noticed it when you were young if your mother was adept and subtle enough to gradually steer you away from the toxic kids. Little things, like inviting Sweet Susie to go to the mall with you instead of Toxic Tammy, or encouraging a movie night with several friends, etc. The one thing you really can’t do is tell a child “You can’t hang around with this person,” under the theory that it just makes that person more attractive!

As far as the 8-year old calling repeatedly — DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE! That’s what the answering machine is for, and that’s what Caller ID is for! (Why do people think they are forced to answer a phone?) And telling the mom nicely isn’t working, so your friend may need to be more dirct: “Please don’t let Tammy call 12 times a night, it is becoming annoying.”

Luckily, my daughter only had one of these friendships as a child, and she figured it out on her own pretty quickly that she didn’t like being smothered. She didn’t want to “hurt her feelings”, but when she realized that her feelings of being smothered were just as valid, it gave her the confidence to tell the friend that things had to change. Friend couldn’t cope and went on to smother someone else, and everyone was happy.

When you get to the teenage years, though, you have a whole new perspective, because the “friends” are now the opposite sex, and the stakes are somewhat different. We have had lots of conversations about male-female relationships, and what makes up a healthy relationship and what makes up an unhealthy relationship. Most of those conversations have been along the lines of trusting their gut instincts and looking closely at what they are getting out of a relationship and what they are willing to put into a relationship, especially in terms of respect for themselves and for the other person.

Managing 8 year old’s friendships is NOTHING compared to sitting back and watching your teenage daughter work out that the latest boyfriend is a self-absorbed rude jerk. Generally, she has pretty good taste in boys, but every once in a while, one slips through — thankfully, they don’t stay long, and hopefully, they teach her something ore about what she wants and needs in a relationship.

By Stacey

March 5, 2009 11:10 AM | Link to this

My son (8) has a friend who I view as toxic just from the standpoint that my son turns into a total sheep around this kid. I can remember my mom asking me as a kid “If so-and-so told you to jump off of a bridge, would you do it?” Where this kid is concerned, my son would probably answer yes. They are in the same class and I had the teacher move my son across the room despite the fact that all involved admits that 99% of the time, AJ is the instigator. They are allowed to play together outside of school though. My husband and I talk to our son all of the time about and he even admits that he misbehaves around AJ. We’ve noticed in the last few weeks has been distancing himself (slightly) from AJ and he says it’s because he tired of being punished for things that “we know AJ made him do”.

By Kathy

March 5, 2009 12:55 PM | Link to this

Little E is only 3 and already we have what I think is a toxic friend. I’ll call her Little M! Little M is in E’s preschool class. She has a few behavior issues and tends to be drawn to my E like a magnet. E will complain about M but will say in the next breath, “I love M! She’s my best friend!” She comes home everyday telling me what Little M did at school (none of it good). I had to finally speak to the teacher when Little M drew all over E’s clothes with a dry erase marker. Now I understand that kids get dirty at school, but dry erase marker DOES NOT COME OUT!!!! E told me, “M drew all over me today!” and she was very upset. We talk with Little E all the time about making good choices and playing with friends that also make good choices. I know, I know…..there is one of these little friends in every class…I just didn’t think it was going to start in preschool!!

By FCM

March 5, 2009 1:04 PM | Link to this

What do you mean by intervene?

If by that you mean that the when the repeat caller calls the Mom says something like “Yes. I took your message the first time. Now please do not call back again today or I will speak to your parent.” That’s cool.

If for the your not friend boss child the Mom reminds HER child that she can be friends with whom she likes, and that friends do not play the “if you don’t do what I say I won’t be your friend.” That’s cool.

If they are trying to ‘handle’ the relationship then that is wrong. Part of growing up is learning how to interact with people like this.

I also recommend the book “There is a Boy in the Girls Bathroom”.

By JJ

March 5, 2009 1:33 PM | Link to this

FCM I have read your post over and over and over, and I don’t understand the second paragraph…..HUH?

By Michelle

March 5, 2009 2:29 PM | Link to this

Kathy…you would be amazed at how quick this starts! My son had a “girlfriend” in daycare and they were the terrible twosome! No matter how hard both sets of parents (and the school) tried to keep them separated, they were just drawn to each other! They were like “mayhem” and “chaos” getting into constant trouble!

We talked to him about picking friends who don’t encourage him to break the rules, etc. It didn’t matter. He just loved being around her. That daycare closed and he hasn’t seen her for about 5 months now and he STILL talks about her!

As far as intervening, I think most of us know, we want to do what our parents tell us we shouldn’t because we think they don’t know anything!

We (my sister and I) had a friend in high school who always had to be the center of attention. She would constantly “stir the pot” to keep everyone close to her. My parents thought she was an instigator. It didn’t stop us from hanging out with her.

Well, we have all been friends going on about 24 years now. She hasn’t changed, but I have. When she starts her nonsense, I will pull back and stay away until she is ready to be a “real” friend again.

You have to wonder what it is about these kids that our kids are drawn to? Is it the “cool” factor, does the other person make them feel important? I think those are the kinds of things we need to explore and help our kids understand so that they can recognize when a friend is not really being a friend!

By fk

March 5, 2009 6:26 PM | Link to this

My son had a toxic friend. They were inseparable buddies up until the 6th grade. During middle school, when the other kid kept getting into trouble, etc., and the mother kept making excuses, we did everything in our power to steer our son away from the kid, but nothing blatant or obvious. It was not an easy choice as we were friendly with the parents, and our friendship waned, too. My son knew our stance: HE had to take responsibility and accountability for his actions, regardless if he partook or was just present if trouble began. Eventually, by high school, my son saw for himself what direction this kid was heading and dropped him completely.