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DEL.ICIO.USWhat to tell kids when a pet needs to be put to sleep?
My mother’s dog had to be put to sleep yesterday, and I had to tell the kids. How would you explain putting animals down to children?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We had a heated discussion yesterday about revealing plot points in the new movie “Marley and Me.” (I don’t think anyone was trying to blow a big secret. I think their point was it may not be appropriate for small children.) I have not read the book and have not seen the movie but I am assuming something bad happens to the cute dog.
Well, coincidentally, my mother’s dog, who she has had for 17 years, has been ill and had to put down yesterday. The dog was in kidney failure and wasn’t eating or using the bathroom. The dog has been blind for a while and has had other conditions the vet has been watching.
It was heartbreaking for my mother. She cried most of the day. (I was sad and crying too but not nearly as much as my poor mom.)
I wanted to let the kids know what was happening to the dog. I’m not a big fan of deceiving kids. I believe in giving them appropriate details. I wanted to give them a chance to say good-bye if they wanted to. I also didn’t want them looking for the dog a week from now saying, “Where in the world is Mimi’s dog?”
So I told them that Mimi’s dog was very ill and had to be taken to the vet. The vet was going to give the dog a shot to put her to sleep and then she would die. I told them the vet couldn’t make her feel better and she was suffering. I told them that doctors never did that to people so not to worry.
My 5-year-old understood what I told him and moved on. My 7-year-old daughter was very sad. She cried for a while. She said she didn’t want to say good-bye to the dog. I think she didn’t want to think about it anymore.
My brother hasn’t told his kids yet. I’m not sure what he’s planning to say.
Have you ever had to tell kids that their pet or a friend’s pet was going to be put to sleep? What words did you use? How much description did you give? Or do you prefer the old “the dog ran away” approach? How much transparency should you have with your children when bad or upsetting things happen?
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By kaybee
December 30, 2008 7:26 AM | Link to this
Several years ago when we put down our very old, very ill dog, we told the truth to our two older kids (8 & 10, respectively), but not to our youngest (3). We just told her our dog had died. I think it depends on the age and maturity of the child.
I highly recommend the picture book “Dog Heaven” to help young children cope. In fact, adults who have loved and lost a dog will love this book too.
By FCM
December 30, 2008 7:36 AM | Link to this
Theresa I know the heartbreak of watching your Mom say good-bye to a beloved pet AND having to tell the children. You did the right thing, though you went into more detail than I did. (I did not give the details of the shot but otherwise it went about the same as you)
My oldest wants to be a Vet. She told me the other day “I want to help animals get better. Then if I cannot, it will be sad but I will help the owners do what is right to make the pain go away.” I thought that very mature for a 9yo.
By jg
December 30, 2008 7:40 AM | Link to this
We had our dog Muffin since I was about 7 - when I was 8 he was hit by a car, the vet wanted to put him down but my parents felt it would traumatize us….he had a limp the rest of his life. When I was about 22 he was in poor health and my mom decided it was time to put him down. All I can remember is me telling my boyfriend and I was hysterical. I don’t remember holding him in the vet’s office or anything, but I am told I was there…I have blocked that all out.
Tough subject no matter how old you are…..they are part of the family.
By A&Z Mom
December 30, 2008 7:52 AM | Link to this
We had to put our dog to sleep last year, she was about 15 years old. We told our children that she was very sick and she died. We decided not to go into details about putting her to sleep since they were only 1 1/2 and 2 1/2, but they did understand she was gone. We told they she went to live with Jesus and St. Francis (the patron St. of animals) and she was happy there and not sick anymore. Even though she is not with us anymore, they can still look up to heaven and yell Hello to her.
Theresa - please tell your Mom we are sorry to hear about her dog, we know how much she loved him.
By momtoAlex&Max
December 30, 2008 8:02 AM | Link to this
Oh wow, how timely this topic is for me. Tow days before Christmas this year, we were forced to put one of our family dogs down. He was 16 (I had since college; before marriage, before kids, he was MY dog) and had cancer. We really hoped he would make it through the holidays but the poor thing could not walk or eat and he was miserable.
We had a talk with the kids about it (very much the same words that Theresa used) and explained them what would happen. They insisted on coming to the vet too. We were all there when he died. It was sad and we all cried, but I believe it gave my kids closure.
My 8 year old has been sad on and off for the past few days, but my 5 year old appears to have moved on.
It is still sad for me. When we got back from burying him, I found his collar on the table (I had taken it off earlier because he was miserable). It was two days later when I could finally wash and put away his bowl.
I am happy that I still have my beagle and he has helped us a lot to get through this. Oddly enough, the beagle seems to be grieving too.
By Will
December 30, 2008 8:10 AM | Link to this
Since 2 of my dogs I had as a kid were hit by cars I kind of figured out that pets (or people) don’t last forever. It didn’t prepare me however for a dog I had to put down when I was an adult (she was close to 20 years old). I was amazed at how comforting other pet lovers were and how clueless people were who never had pets. The funny thing is you say to yourself “no more pets” after putting one down. Then another one crosses your path and you take it in. I guess the years of unconditional love outweight the sadness of death.
By motherjanegoose
December 30, 2008 8:14 AM | Link to this
Theresa….please know how sorry I am for your family and your Mother. I am crying myself as I know how much a pet can mean.
Our dog Yellar had the same thing last December and then our schnauzer Lucy was hit and killed by a neighbor last April. …we lost 2 dogs in less than 5 months. My children were 16 and 21, so they were old enough to know everything.
My daughter and husband stayed in with Yellar to let him know they were there and loved him until the end. My daughter also wants to be a vet…we will see.
Check out this link: http://www.ashestoashes.com/rainbowbridgepoem.htm
IMHO…children who love and care for their own pets have been given a priceless gift from their families that will stay with them forever.
We had our neighbors over for dinner last night and our Libby LOVES their little boy. She howls her head off when she sees him outside and he is so sweet with her while here. He spent the night last week, and was so excited that he could be with her and cuddle all night. They have always had dogs too but theirs are big dogs and Libby is little.
FYI…if you think yesterday’s discussion was heated….your family is much calmer than ours…LOL.
By bonny
December 30, 2008 8:44 AM | Link to this
My ex-husband used to bring strays home alot! On a lot of occassions the animal was sick and needed to be put down. The fortunate thing in some cases was that the kids never got attached so the process was painless for them but on occassion a pet would come along that they fell in love with. We had such a dog named Missy, a chihuahua that we got when she was 1 year old, we loved her for many years 16 to be exact when she shows signs of age, like tooth loss, eye sight loss, ill tempered and then the other things started to happen. Renal failure, kidney failure and liver disease. the vet had been medicating her and she had lost her zest for life. My daughters came to us and asked us to let her go, they felt so bad for her. They were 9 and 15. We had a nice ceremony for her. The great thing is that we have two generations of her offspring still with us.
By JATL
December 30, 2008 8:58 AM | Link to this
I think it largely depends on the age of the child. I would say from 4 or 5 on, you should kindly be honest with the child about the fact that sometimes animals are so sick and suffer so much that the vet can make that go away, but then the pet is gone too. Depending on your personal beliefs, you may want to tell them about the Rainbow Bridge or doggie/kitty heaven, etc. My parents had to put their dog down a few months ago, and my oldest is only 2, but he mentions the dog on occasion. He hasn’t asked where he is yet, but we haven’t been down there very often. For his age, we’re going to say that the dog felt so bad that he went to a new place where he wouldn’t be sick any more.
By Kathy
December 30, 2008 9:02 AM | Link to this
This topic is timely for me as well. I had to put my 12 y.o. Lab Winston down in April. A friend asked me just the other day to write about my memories of Winston. I just wrote it this morning and wanted to share it with y’all as well. Here goes:
When I think of my Winston, the first thought is always of his eyes. He had the most beautiful M&M brown eyes that were so expressive. All of my strongest memories of him begin with his eyes.
When Winston and I first met, (Dec. 1995) the first thing I noticed were his eyes. He was cowered in the corner of the plastic pool he and his littermates were corralled in. All the other puppies were rolling around and playing. He looked at me with these eyes that said, “Rescue me from all this craziness!” So I did.
Every morning after that, when I woke up, the first thing I would see were his eyes saying, “Take me out or there will be big problems!” So I would.
In April 1998, a major storm was coming. Winston was terrified of thunder. He would hide under the bed and could not be dragged out. That night (12:40 am to be exact), he came out of his hiding spot, sat down next at me and looked at me with eyes that said, “This is going to be bad….let’s hide together.” So we did. (A tornado threw three trees on my house five minutes later.)
In April of this year, Winston was not doing well. He was 12 1/2 years old and his health had been declining for a couple of months. As I held his head in my hands, I struggled to look into his eyes because I knew what they were going to say. I willed myself to look into those eyes that said, “I’m done…..let me go.” So I did.
On April 4, 2008 I held my sweet boy and looked into those beautiful brown eyes for the last time. I cried as he peacefully drifted out of this life.
There are so many wonderful memories of him that I will always cherish. Some will fade away but what I will never, ever forget are those beautiful eyes.
By JJ
December 30, 2008 9:24 AM | Link to this
About 8 years ago, I had to put my beloved 20 year cat down. It just killed me, and I still have a hard time with it. It was THE HARDEST thing I have ever done.
My daughter was about 10 years old. I went to the vet alone, and left her with a neighbor. I just couldn’t be with her when I was wanted to spend his last minutes with him. I cried the entire way home. I still get misty about him, 8 years later. I had him cremated, and still have his ashes. I didn’t want to bury him at the house, as we were in the process of selling. Then when we got to the new home, I just couldn’t bury him in a yard he didn’t know. So I still have his ashes.
Like Will I didn’t want any other animals, as there was no way I could ever go through that again. But, here I am with two dogs, and two more cats, and a turtle. I know I have plenty of time with my furry kids, so I don’t think about putting them down right now. But the time will come…..
But parents need to be honest with kids about death. It’s a fact of life. Just give them enough information for their age and they will be fine.
By DB
December 30, 2008 9:27 AM | Link to this
I remember being 11 years old and having a lovely collie mix dog named Tippy. Tippy came down with distemper (don’t know how, she had all her shots), and it wasn’t diagnosed until it was too late. One day, while I was at school, my dad took her to the vet and she was put to sleep. I have always resented having that decision made for me, and not having a chance to say goodbye. :-( We’ve had to have two cats put to sleep, and oddly enough, I’m the one that ends up holding them, whispering to them and stroking them as they drift away — my husband is crying too much, and my kids just can’t do it.
I had always wondered when people say the animal almost always tells you when it’s time, but it’s so true.
Theresa, please let your mother know that your whole blog community sympathizes with her grief. FWIW, I think you handled it just right with the kids. Give them the information, give them a chance to process it, and then be there to answer questions that may come up later. And here’s another vote for “Dog Heaven” — there’s also one for “Cat Heaven” that’s cute,too.
By Larry M
December 30, 2008 9:32 AM | Link to this
I think the death of a pet is a great teaching opportunity for our kids. The event, as sad as it is, gives us a chance to discuss the reality of death that they will eventually face when they lose a human being who is close to them, like a grandparent. It is not a time for fantasy like “doggie heaven” IMO. It is a time for reality and explain that life is precious, so cherish it. Be sad, but also realize it is in the best interests of a suffering animal. We put the pet to sleep because we loved him/her.
It also provides an opportunity to teach a selfless act. Keeping a sick, suffering pet around too long is very selfish. I have been guilty of it and I really regret it. A lot of times a pet’s time has come, but we don’t want to let go. So we keep it around in pain, blind, etc., because we fear how much we will miss them.
Lastly, maybe the more we talk to kids about the humane treatment we give our pets when they are sick - euthanasia - will eventually lead to acceptance in this country about the euthanasia of sick human beings. For some reason we see the humanity in doing it for our suffering pets, but few of us seem willing to apply that same basic ethical principle to the human beings that are important in our lives.
By emjay
December 30, 2008 9:56 AM | Link to this
The loss of a pet is very sad. I think what you told your kids was appropriate, considering their ages.
I remember when I was little, my aunt had a chihuahua named Prissy. I always thought the dog was mean, because she would bark at me and nip at my heels. I guess because I was close to her size she thought I would play with her, but I ended up just being scared of her. Then I guess she thought it was a fun game to corner me in the kitchen and bark because I would scream and try to shoo her away, which just made her jump and bark more.
Anyway, when I was about 4, Prissy got sick and had to be put to sleep. I remember when we went to visit shortly after, and the first thing I noticed was that Prissy was gone. I asked my aunt where she was, because I was certain the dog was just hiding and waiting to pounce on me. She explained to me that Prissy had gotten sick and went to live in doggie heaven. I did not understand that she meant the dog had died and I thought she literally went to live somewhere else. So I asked that very thing - “you mean she went somewhere else and she’s not going to live here anymore?” My aunt looked very sad and said yes. I replied (in my innocent 4-year old way) “Yay! That means she won’t scare me anymore!” My aunt looked shocked for a minute, but the started to laugh. After all, she hadn’t told me the dog died, just that she went to live somewhere else. We had many laughs together through the years about that dog :)
By J.D.H.
December 30, 2008 10:07 AM | Link to this
What a great human being you are thieves…life has a lot in store for you!!
By Jessie's Mama
December 30, 2008 10:16 AM | Link to this
Thankfully ive never had to put a dog down. December 9th my four year old English buldog took his nap before dinner and never woke up. It was horrible! No waring, I was home alone and freaked out. It’s always tough no matter what the situation. I couldn’t imagine having to put a dog down. I will always miss my Tank boy. I have a two year old Golden/Aussie that I now hope lives a very long life. He has really helped us get through this difficult time. I think we have help him deal with are loss also.
By Wondering Lady
December 30, 2008 10:16 AM | Link to this
If only suffering people were treated as humanely as animals. My poor dear mother spent 3 years suffering from pain and total paralysis and begged my father daily to have her put to sleep to end her life of pain. He could not do it. The laws forbid it. He cried along with her as her agony continued day after day until she mercifully died. How can we be so caring of our pets and so cruel to dying family? I wonder if this will ever change?
By Wondering Lady
December 30, 2008 10:30 AM | Link to this
And yes, over the years, I learned when pets were sick, they were better off dying than hurting. We always had funerals for them and they became part of my family’s history. Too, too sad that my dear mother could not be treated as kindly as we treated our cats and dogs, horses and cows, even our fish and turtles. I wonder if there is any good answer for sick and dying people to leave this earth free of pain?
By amy
December 30, 2008 10:39 AM | Link to this
Wondering Lady- I TOTALLY agree with you. If anyone has ever watched a HUMAN family member slowly suffer and then die, they would know the what pain and helplessness really feels like.
By FCM
December 30, 2008 10:56 AM | Link to this
wondering lady—I am not sure it is a good answer but historically (back to Eden even) we have put a higher value on Human life than animal…therefore putting an anmimal down (or hunting, or the process to get the meat in the market) is not seen as murder. Taking of a human life (even in times of human sacrifice) was seen as murder too.
This lesser value of life also extended children for a large portion of human history.
Ah History of Humanity what a mix though art.
By Mad's Mom
December 30, 2008 11:52 AM | Link to this
I had my little Shih Tzu, Joey for many years. He started having heart problems and did well on medication until he started going downhill quickly. I spent a lot of time with him at the vet and was able to keep him pain free and happy. When he did take a turn downward, I knew I was going to have to make a decision. I took him for his final vet visit and the doctor was wonderful. She told me what she was going to do and what I might expect to happen. She answered all of my questions and then left me alone with Joey. I don’t know how much time I spent telling Joey how much I loved him and how happy he had made me. I hugged him, rubbed him and told him good bye. Then I opened the door to signal the vet. She came in did what she told me she was going to do. She didn’t talk to me, just went about it. I found it was the hardest thing and the easiest thing I have ever done. Once he has given the injection, Joey just looked up at me and relaxed. That was it. It was so peaceful for him. I know it did not cause him pain. The vet left the room and I stayed with him until I felt I could leave. Again, the vet returned, covered Joey up and then she hugged me. I could not have asked for any more support. I have Joey’s ashes and when I go, my husband is tucking them at my feet. I hope when it is my time, I can go as easily as Joey.
By JJ
December 30, 2008 12:17 PM | Link to this
Mad’sMom I think we have the same vet. Your story is EXACTLY how it went when I put my cat down.
The best part, was the vet told me not to worry about the cost right then, they would bill me for it. To have to go through that, then be handed a bill would have put me over the roof.
By DB
December 30, 2008 2:44 PM | Link to this
JJ. you got billed for the euthanasia? My vet has never, ever charged for that. I asked about it the first time and she said, simply, that she just couldn’t, it was the last loving thing she could do for them, and she couldn’t put a price tag on it.
By lisa
December 30, 2008 2:51 PM | Link to this
One Thanksgiving, our pet hotel called with an urgent message that our St. Bernard has a case of “Bloat”. Hannibal was 10 years old, surgery was around $2,000 and he may not make it through. I explained it to the kids (6 & 7 at the time) We were all there together, I was hugging the dog, my son had was holding a paw, my daughter just stayed in the background with my husband.
We have always explained death as a part of life; I never thought they would have to experience a death so soon, but they came out of it ok.
Oh yeah, it helped that we had the dog cremated and we kept the remains. When they wanted to make cupcakes and sing “Happy Birthday” to the dog just as if he was alive, I was ok with it - it was their way of dealing with the loss.
By lisa
December 30, 2008 2:56 PM | Link to this
Oh Theresa, please give your Mother my condolences. I am so sad for her.
By JJ
December 30, 2008 3:23 PM | Link to this
DB YES I did get billed for it. I was SO upset. And the cremation fees on top that!!!
I often wonder if his ashes are really in that “urn” they gave me. Who knows? Could be sawdust for all I know……
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. Please be safe and let’s not have any horror stories here on Friday or Monday…..
By motherjanegoose
December 30, 2008 4:07 PM | Link to this
I do not think our vet billed us for the euthanasia but Ole Yellar stayed at the vet for several days prior and that was not cheap.
We had him picked up for cremation ( which we did pay for) and he is in an urn with his picture on it. Generally, these things DO have to be paid for, as the person who is caring for your pet is not working for a charity.
This would be the same with a human…I know people have to pay to have loved ones cremated.
I like the idea of burying him at his owner’s feet posted by Mad’s Mom. We also have our little Lucy in an urn…she was only two and waiting in the front yard for me (to come home from the airport) alongside my daughter when a stray ran down our street and she ran down the grass to chase it…a neighbor plowed right over her.
We are watching our Libby like a hawk and one of our neighbor’s today told us that there is a fox that has been roaming our neighborhood…my husband just built a fence but we will now have to watch her in our back yard! Yikes…at least we do not have to put money in a college fund….LOL!
By JATL
December 30, 2008 5:42 PM | Link to this
JJ -I completely understand! I had to have my 18 year old cat put down a week before my first son was born in ‘06. I,too, still get misty over him and have him in a special crematory remains box with his picture on it in my bedroom. He will ALWAYS be really special to me! I still have two dogs and have finally gotten back to wanting a cat again.
I also agree with wondering lady -we do this for our pets but not for grandma! Yes, it would need to be 100% concentual, but euthanasia should have a place in end stage terminal illness. I don’t see how anyone who has watched a loved one linger in pain and suffer can disagree.
By rmbr343
December 30, 2008 8:33 PM | Link to this
Being the animal lovers that we are, my family has had several cats, the oldest of which was Merlin or “Merl the Pearl” as we liked to call him because he truly was way cool. My daughter called me at work hysterical one day because Merlin couldn’t stand up. He had been showing his age for a while, but since he seemed happy we held on to him. That afternoon, while rushing home, I called my husband to ask him if he agreed with what I felt needed to happen later that day. I felt so badly for him because he just could not get away from work to come be with Merly and say good-bye.
Luckily my daughter was 15 and totally agreed with the decision because she hated to see him suffering. She came with me to the vet, but when it was time she went out into the waiting room and I stayed with my boy and held him. His ashes are in a kitty kat urn in our living room and I too like the idea of having Merlin “go with me” when I’m cremated.
Merlin was 19 years old and had been my daughter’s best friend literally since she was in the womb. Merlin would lay across my belly and just purr and purr. When our daughter was born Merlin could be seen “checking her out”, poking his nose into her infant carrier, only he was too cool to let us know he was curious about this funny little grunting and burping thing. When she cried, Merlin cried. I’d be doing the bouncy walk around our townhouse with a screaming baby in my arms and a wailing cat following me while going in and out of my legs. Many a time I joined in out of frustration and exhaustion! What a sight we must’ve been! Oh, I loved that old cat and miss him so much.
Thanks for letting me share!
By FCM
December 31, 2008 9:30 AM | Link to this
OK this is too sad a topic to continue on to New Years….How about we discuss the plans of the eve and if the kids should stay up? Disney has the Wizards up partying in the New Year this year.
By 74dawg
January 2, 2009 6:31 PM | Link to this
Sorry son I had to shoot that dog. Learn to deal with reality. It is sad.That is reality. They are animals. Get ‘em a new one.