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September 2008
How much will you spend on family entertainment?
What activities give you most bang for your buck?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In this tight economy, how much money are you willing to spend for a night of family fun? What activities have you been choosing and are you pleased with the cost to fun ratio? (I’m sure that’s the official economic term!)
Our family of five has done a couple of different activities over the last few weeks. This is how the cost broke down for us. (Prices are pretty exact. I’ll note where I’m not completely sure.)
High school football game —$43 total. $28 for admission for four. They didn’t charge us for the baby. $5 for the program. (We were accosted so many times we finally gave in.) Around $10 on two drinks and some candy.
Fair — $82 total. $12 to get in, but then $50 for 60 tickets for the rides. (We had a few too many tickets.) $5 on a pony ride. $1 for the 4-H petting zoo. (Their favorite thing of all!) $14 on two funnel cakes. (They were good but clearly not worth $14.)
Church dinner/dance —$30 total. This was by far the best deal we’ve gotten in the lat few weeks. It was $30 for a nice sit-down dinner and dancing for the parents. That price also included babysitting and pizza for all the kids. The kids had a great time doing crafts, playing on the playground and spray painting each other’s hair. (The baby was in the nursery area also having fun. No spray paint in there.) The church dinner/dance was a lot of fun and a great value.
What activities are you enjoying with your family? What are your favorite free/or close to free activities?
On a side note: A lot of families do pizza and movie nights. I called to order pizza last weekend and the chain didn’t have a deal for the two pizzas I wanted. They wanted $27 plus a delivery fee and tip for two large pan pizzas (one with cheese, one with pepperoni). I told them to keep them, and I threw in two frozen pizzas. We have also gotten a very tasty fresh pizza dough from the Publix bakery. It freezes nicely and the kids had a big time rolling it out. Plus, it was a heck of a lot cheaper than delivery pizza.
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What’s the worst property damage your child has caused?
Ruined carpet, marked up walls, smashed windows -- what’s the worst damage your little angel has caused (even if it was on ‘accident’)?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A while back I noticed a question on the ajcpets that asked “what is the worst damage your pet has ever caused?” I was struck by how easily this question translated to children.
So I ask today: What is the worst damage your little angel has done to your home or vehicle — on accident or on purpose?
I will start the ball rolling with part of my list:
In our last house, we had about a billion pen and pencil marks on the walls. When we tried to clean it, the cheap paint the builder used rubbed off so then the spots looked even worse.
In our new house, my oldest daughter was doing a “chemistry” experiment in my bedroom one afternoon while I was downstairs with the other two children. She was using those plunger-like medicine dispensers to shoot and measure shampoo that had brown hair dye in it. It ended up all over my beige carpet and she didn’t bother to alert me so I could try to clean it. The carpet is completely stained and will not come out.
The two oldest kids like to watch TV in our bedroom. They had been essentially swinging on the bed post while they were watching the TV and have stripped the screw. Now the bed post flops around. The bed is less than a year old. (On the plus side, we can now remove the post when we’re watching TV in bed and the left-side of the bed has a much better view.)
So don’t hold back, tell all the ways your kids have damaged your personal property.
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How is the gas shortage affecting your family life?
I’m counting down the miles in my tank and evaluating each trip for its gas worthiness.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I am pre-empting our discussion of my 5-year-old hitting on our babysitters for a very serious discussion about how the gas shortage is affecting your family’s day-to-day life.
Are you carpooling to drop kids off at preschool, soccer or the church? Are you shopping at the market closer to your house even if the food is more expensive? Are you limiting seeing friends and going out?
During the last week I’ve made a bunch of changes to try to cut fuel consumption. I’ve got 248 miles left to go on my tank of gas, and I am trying to see how long I can make it last. Here’s a list of some of my changes:
I usually shop at the DeKalb Farmer’s Market once a week. Instead this Saturday, I went to the Kroger less than a mile from my house.
Instead of driving to the gym, I’ve been walking at the local track. In fact, I’ve been walking to the park instead of even driving to it. My mother proposed late last night that we swap off driving to the gym and carpool together to save fuel. We need the weights at the gym, but I may hold off another week even if we are carpooling.
I was supposed to visit a girlfriend in Buckhead last week, and I told her I couldn’t come until the shortages got better.
The most painful thing I did last week was cancel my reservations for my first ever MOMcation that was scheduled for this coming up weekend with my girlfriend. We had planned to take her husband’s hybrid to Hilton Head for a weekend away. (My first time without kids in almost FOUR years.) We got scared that even if we had enough gas to get there, there wouldn’t be gas in South Carolina to get back. I checked with my cousin on Facebook late last night and he said Charleston has gas. I’m also going to check with my cousins in Savannah. We’re watching the situation. We hate to lose our trip (The Bulldogs don’t have another week off until the week before Thanksgiving.), but we don’t want to be foolish or wasteful.
I lined up all my errands in a row and hit them in circular path to save on fuel — never backtracking. I’ve also put off a trip to Perimeter Mall. I need to buy some Spanx for an event in October, but I’m going to call a local lingerie store to see if they have what I need instead. If they don’t, I’ll keep waiting until the crunch eases up.
I’m supposed to meet my husband and some friends downtown for dinner this week. I wouldn’t even go, but I haven’t seen one of the friends in about 10 years. To help reduce the gas usage, I’ll drop my husband off at MARTA in the morning and then I’ll drive his car in later because it gets better mileage.
How is your family handling these crazy gas shortages? Are you cutting activities out? Are you making a greater effort to carpool with other families? Tell us what you’ve changed?
For money saving tips check out Your Money
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Confident 5-year-old flirting with his babysitters
He actually thinks at 5 he’s got a chance with a 10th grader. He doesn’t lack confidence, but I think it all adds us to trouble later. How do you raise a nice boy and not a heartbreaker?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We’ve always known our little guy was a ladies’ man. He spent half of his Christmas pageant last year trying to scoot next to the woman that he loved — a 4-year-old named Gracie. About a month later, he declared that Natalie had captured his heart. He loves to be surrounded by girls at school and will chat up any young thing on the playground or school bus.
But now my little 5-year-old Casanova is learning some new tricks and turning his attention away from girls his own age and onto our teenage babysitters.
For the last two months, Walsh has been asking to walk down the street to visit a babysitter of ours named Tiffany.
For several weeks he would get off the school bus and just start walking toward her house, which is pretty far from us. I would chase after him saying, “Buddy, I don’t think she’s home from school yet. She usually has stuff to do in the afternoon. Plus, I don’t even have my shoes on.” What I was trying to say was, “Buddy as cute as you are, I don’t think a 10th grader wants to chat up a 5-year-old.”
I would finally convince him to turn around, and he would sadly slump back toward our house biding his time before he could try again to talk to Tiffany.
I had put him off for several weeks until finally one night I agreed to take a walk after dinner. I knew exactly where he was heading as soon as we left the house. He marched right up her front steps and started ringing her doorbell.
Tiffany came out on her front porch. I said, “Walsh has wanted to visit you. He’s been asking me to have you baby sit soon.”
Walsh looks up at her, smiles and says, “So Tiffany, how’s school going. What ya been up to?” He made small talk with her for a while and then he got down to business. “So you want to join us for a walk? We’re walking around the neighborhood.”
She let him down easy. She told him she couldn’t right then because she was making dinner for her family.
I thought that would satisfy him for a while, but a few nights later as I was trying to put him to bed he told me he wanted to write Tiffany a letter. So he padded downstairs in his little pajamas and started writing her a card. Most of it was scribble but he did sign his name. Then he told me to translate what it meant for her. Here’s what he dictated: “I really love you so much Tiffany. I want you to baby sit in a few days. Love, Walsh.”
And then he wrote on the outside of the envelope: To: Tiffany. From: Walsh. I have now been charged with delivering his letter.
Not to burst Tiffany’s bubble but later that night while he was supposed to be sleeping, he wrote two more love letters to our other babysitters.
I’m not sure what to make of my 5-year-old declaring his love for high school girls. What happens when he’s 15? Will he be hitting on 25-year-olds? Will he be a love ’em and leave ’em kind of guy or is he just demonstrative with his emotions because that’s how we are with him?
A guess we’ll have to wait and see, but at least we know he’ll have good penmanship from all these love letters!
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Are skinny starlets on TV hurting our girls?
Entertainment Weekly calls out the young stars on the new ‘90210’ for being too thin and offers a scary statistic that some of our youngest girls are now worried about their weights.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In the Sept. 26 issue of Entertainment Weekly, the magazine questions whether the skinny starlets on the new ‘90210’ are setting a bad example for the young girls watching the show. (Check out the article and photos of the girls here.) Here are some highlights from the article in the News and Notes section:
“Almost without exception, the young actresses on The CW’s spin-off are alarmingly thin, with arms that seem thickest at the wrists, and legs that look, well, like arms. As we watched Kansas transplant Annie Wilson (Shenae Grimes, pictured, left) graze on a side salad as her lunch entrée, one question lingered: Are we the only ones overreacting to these skinny minnies? The answer, as it turns out, is no.”
“’ Everyone says television adds five or ten pounds, so if you’re watching and someone looks like they haven’t eaten in forever, what must they look like in person?’ asks a Hollywood insider who works with young actresses on popular series (nearly everyone asked about this subject preferred to remain anonymous)….”
” ‘I know in discussions at ABC and CBS that ‘too skinny’ is no good. They talk about it as a minus point,’ says the agent. ‘But at The CW it’s a different story. They’re trying to pull in the Gossip Girl audience and that’s the image: hyper-skinny models.’ “
It’s not a new trend, but it may be affecting even younger girls. The magazine reports that: “Besides, weight-related pressure is trickling down to the youngest of girls: The National Eating Disorders Association cites data from the 1990s in which 42 percent of girls in grades 1-3 reported a desire to be thinner. Says the association’s CEO Lynn S. Grefe, ‘There’s no doubt it’s gotten worse.’ “
In the ’90s, Calista Flockhart, Portia de Rossi and Lara Flynn Boyle were under scrutiny for being too skinny. Model Kate Moss is another one that pops to my mind. Currently, Keira Knightley’s weight is also under examination, with one tabloid claiming she’s only 97 pounds. And on “Dancing with the Stars” on Monday night one of the judges told Susan Lucci that basically she should put on more weight.
What do you think: Is the skinny minny trend one that crosses all networks and age demographics? Do you think the girls on the new “90210” and the CW in general are damaging to your daughter’s body image? Have you ever discussed the thin actresses and models with your daughters? Do you worry about eating disorders? Have your elementary school children ever expressed concern about their weight? (I have to say I do know a young girl who even as a first grader said she needed to be on a diet — which worries me very much!)
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Would you test your child for the cancer gene?
A debate is growing whether young children and teens should be tested for the breast cancer gene. Is it beneficial to know at a young age? Is it too much for a kid/teen to handle?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Across the country more and more women are being tested for the gene mutation that gives them a higher risk of contracting breast cancer. Now, The Associated Press reports, parents are debating whether they should be testing their kids/teens as well.
Here’s the link to the story and here are some highlights of the debate:
Marilynn Marchione reports:
“About 100,000 tests for breast cancer gene mutations were done last year, double the number in 2005. The trend may grow even more because of widening insurance coverage and a new law banning genetic discrimination.”
“Medical experts advise against such testing before age 25, saying that little can be done to prevent or screen for breast or ovarian cancer until then, so the knowledge would only cause needless worry.”
“However, new studies and interviews by The Associated Press show that many people who have BRCA gene mutations — and even more of their offspring — disagree. …”
“Women with a faulty gene have a three to seven times greater risk of developing breast cancer and a higher risk of ovarian cancer. Men have more risk of prostate, pancreatic and other types of cancer….”
“To lower risk, women can consider anti-estrogen drugs or having their breasts or ovaries removed. But these drastic measures are not advised for very young women. Even mammograms are not advised till age 25, because cancer is rare before then….”
“The rule is, do no harm — test only if you can offer something that will help,” said Mary-Claire King, the University of Washington scientist who in 1990 discovered the first breast cancer predisposition gene, BRCA-1.”
In some cases the testing lead to teens making changes to help prevent the cancer such as quitting smoking, limiting alcohol or avoiding birth control pills. However, sometimes, especially when the patient wasn’t properly counseled, it can cause the teen to make some extreme decisions.
“… Jennifer Scalia Wilbur, a counselor at Women and Infants Hospital in Providence, R.I., told of a 19-year-old who had testing without counseling and now wants to remove her breasts and not have children.”
What do you think : Is it beneficial to test young kids for the cancer gene? What about teens? Would you tell them the results? Would you be more inclined if you had already tested for the gene?
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Is the bad economy actually good for our kids?
Will kids become less spoiled if their parents have less discretionary money to spend on them? Will less money to eat out and go out help families spend more time together at home?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Will the bad economy equal less spoiled children? Will families get unexpected fringe benefits — such as more family time — from a recession? Several bloggers I found recently online say “Yes!”
A blog on Free Range Kids floats the idea that if parents don’t have extra money lying around they are less likely to spoil their kids. Here’s the link to the blog. Here’s part of the blogger’s case:
Cagefreekids posted:
“Not that I want this to be a Great Depression. I hope it’s not. But if it is, I see kids emerging from their dens when their X-Boxes break and their parents can’t afford to replace them. I see kids dropping out of travel soccer, when their parents can’t afford the gas. I see kids figuring out how to retool their bikes and skates and maybe even their MP3 players when their parents can’t immediately buy them the newest, niftiest models.”
“…In other words, I see fancy toys and vacations and enrichment classes falling away. And the only thing left is…childhood ….”
“Still, it can be argued that affluence has been really miserable for our kids. Easy money — or easy enough money — bought them all the stuff they used to make and do on their own. Professionally built tree houses. Batting practice overseen by a private coach. Dance recitals with real roses and expensive costumes and a slick DVD at the end.”
Cagefree argues that without excess money kids will learn how to play again and life will be simpler.
An article on Crosswalk.com offers ‘Five Reasons A Recession Can Be a Good Thing,’ written by Steve Scalici, CFP of Treasure Coast Financial. His No. 1 reason:
“You’ll have more time to spend with your family. Research shows that recessions foster more family mealtimes - as the budget for other activities dries up. Meals eaten as a family tend to promote a healthier diet, fewer eating disorders, better communication, and a lower risk of teenage substance abuse. A simple way to connect with your kids is eating together as a family. This is easy to do when they’re little, but as kids get older, sports and other activities compete with the family mealtime.”
So, do you agree that a bad economy can be good families? Are you seeing changes in your spending affecting whether your children are less spoiled? Are you seeing any increases in family time due to less money to spend on eating out and going out?
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Torturing, oh I mean, capturing our family circa 2008
Do you find it hard to take family portraits? Do you go to a studio or shoot it yourself at home? What are your favorite shots of your family or from your childhood?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We are supposed to have our family portrait made this weekend for the church directory, and I am dreading it.
While I love the concept of the formal family portrait and love seeing families captured in time — their fashions, their haircuts, and sometimes even their missing teeth, it’s just not always easy accomplish with multiple children.
Somehow my grandmother managed to do it with six small boys, but the last two times I have taken my three children to a studio for pictures things got downright ugly.
My oldest had to be taken to the bathroom multiple times to be disciplined. The baby didn’t want to separate from me so she pretty much cried the entire time, which does not make for precious pictures. My son was just generally mischievous throughout the photographs resulting in adorable, yet not grandmother-approved, kooky smiles in many of the shots.
Despite living in the age of digital photography where almost anyone, with enough patience, can take a successful family picture, I still feel the need to torture myself and my children at a portrait studio at least once a year.
I guess it’s because we always had them taken when we were little. I’m pretty sure my mother kept the Olan Mills on Memorial Drive in business throughout the ’70s and ’80s.
My favorite family photo was taken when I was about 5. My dad has on a blue leisure suit with a thick striped tie. My brother also is wearing a leisure suit — peach according to my mother. He was about 8 and his hair was homage to John-John Kennedy of course. My mom had on a peach “knit” blouse. I’m pretty sure that would just be called polyester now. She also had a slightly curly version of a Dorothy Hamill haircut. I looked the most normal of the bunch — pale pink Easter dress, short curly hair with bangs.
Another favorite is our misguided church directory photo from the late ’80s in which my mother worked a little too hard to coordinate our clothes. We were all in blue so we look like one giant blob with four heads popping out.
I was encouraged a few weeks ago at the grocery store when I flipped through the Angelina Jolie-Brad Pitt family portraits in People magazine. This magazine paid $14 million for photos that looked just as harried and disorganized as my own. One of the older boys didn’t have a shirt on and was lying down so his upper torso was completely hidden in the photo. Kids were looking the wrong way and not smiling in most of the shots. Heck, Angelina didn’t even make it out of her nightgown for the photos. Apparently I’m not the only one having a hard time getting my kids to cooperate.
But I realized looking at them that the Jolie-Pitt photos were great because that’s how families really look and act. (In contrast, the Jennifer Lopez shots with her twins were so staged and so ridiculously uptight they didn’t look natural at all.)
The best photos we have of our family were taken at home like the Jolie-Pitt’s. (Although they didn’t cost $14 million.) Walsh was 3 months old and Rose was 2. The photographer stayed with us for about two hours just shooting the kids in their natural habitat. He got us in our favorite rocking chair. He shot Rose in her red toddler bed. He shot the baby rolling around on his blanket on the floor and lifting his neck. I love these photos because they are beautiful, but also natural.
With this new insight, I am just gong to try to relax and not mind if my daughter’s hair is disheveled or if my son gives a goofy grin. For better or worse, that is our family circa 2008.
You can reach Theresa at ajcmomania@gmail.com. Column and blog ideas are welcome!
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How do you handle mental illness in kids/teens?
Do you medicate, seek therapy? Do you explain to others what’s going on?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We’ve had several requests to talk about depression and mental illness in children and teens. I don’t have much experience with this so I’m just going to throw it open for discussion.
I’ve heard that some of the anti-depressants can cause bad side effects. How do you weigh those side effects with the benefits? When should kids/teens be in therapy? Do you go with them or do they talk alone? Do you trust the therapist alone with your child or teen? (It seems like they are awfully vulnerable.)
How do you handle what their friends and your friends know about your child’s mental health? Is it nobody’s business or does that make it seem like it’s something to be ashamed of?
How would a parent know if their child or teen was suffering from depression or mental illness? How early did you know and what tipped you off? What is normal teen angst versus a true depression?
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Hate the boyfriend/girlfriend? What do you do about it?
If you forbid it, does it only make it worse? How can you monitor without forcing the situation?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Are you loving or hating your teen’s boyfriend/girlfriend? If you dislike them, why are you not liking them and what is your plan of action? Do you stay out of it and just let nature take its course? Do you try to subtly point out the person’s faults and why you don’t feel they are a good match for your son or daughter? Can the date feel your animosity or are you pleasant on the surface?
Do you ever put your foot down and say “No, you just cannot date that person!”? How wrong or bad would they have to be to illicit that type of response? Does forbidding the match only make it that much more tempting?
Do you have basic guidelines for who they can date? What are your criteria: age, grades, religion or race? Where does personality fall into the mix?
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Dow drop freaking you out about family finances?
Are you moving around your family’s 401k funds? Are you pulling your family’s other investments out of the stock market? What’s your short-term, long-term strategy for family financial security?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My husband told me yesterday that he had just moved some of our investments around to create a more conservative mix. (I was just relieved he said OUR money because the 401k in my name consists of about $5,000, which isn’t going to get me very far.)
He read financial news throughout the day and was thinking hard on the best ways to protect our family’s financial security with the Dow dropping more than 500 points in a day. (Here’s a recap of what happened yesterday on Wall Street.) Today’s AJC says experts are advising to ride out the downturn if you don’t need the money for a few years.
Did you jump online yesterday and move around 401k or other investments? Does the Dow dropping affect your family’s day-to-day finances or just long-term investments? Are you worried? Are you adjusting? If so, how?
What’s your family financial plan to get through the high gas, grocery prices and dropping Dow? Does it make you worry about your job as well? Are you going to talk to the kids about the dropping Dow and high prices? Is this a learning moment or you don’t want to scare them?
In related news: Here’s a link to a story about how important it is to marry a person who shares the same financial attitudes that you do. There are also tips (you know I love tips!) about how to become more compatible and prosperous as a couple.
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An army of moms keeps our schools, churches operating
How many ways are you volunteering in your community? How do you know when you’ve reached your limit?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Although I have been a mom for seven years now, I have just in the last few weeks been exposed to this massive network of mothers who are the engines that keep our schools, churches and children’s extra-circular activities running.
As I have become more immersed in my children’s school’s and church’s inner-workings, I am beginning to comprehend this ant hill of women (and a handful of men) all toiling behind the scenes to keep their community humming along.
It’s like that Verizon ad where all those people are following behind the guy, except this is a network of moms. They show up quietly, OK sometimes chattily, and take care of everything to make sure our children have Sunday School, Scouts, cheerleading, and even field day.
This year, I have become a co-room mom for my son’s kindergarten class. In past years, I have helped in my children’s classrooms bringing in supplies and assisting the children with centers. Last year I even planned Rose’s class Christmas party. But this was the first year I attended the PTA-sponsored room mom meeting at the beginning of the year and saw the true scope of this operation.
It was 10 in the morning and the school cafeteria was filled with more than 100 moms. Working moms, stay-at-home moms, moms with small children just like me — all there to make sure that parties are planned, T-shirts are ordered for field day, teachers have Christmas presents, and there are special snacks for testing days. The room moms round up all the resources the teachers and students need for a fun and successful year.
And there are plenty of other moms buzzing around the school. You’ve got the book club moms, the Sunshine math grader moms, the moms that sort books in the library, the moms that help in the classrooms, the moms who stuff the Thursday folders to go home. All this work manned by an army of volunteer mothers.
This army isn’t just working in our schools; it is the backbone of our churches as well.
We joined a new school of religion program this fall. More than 300 children are being educated through it, and as I walked through the halls peeking in the classrooms all I saw were moms. Moms who worked a full day, quickly fed their children at home and dashed to the church to teach other children about their faith.
The mom teaching my son’s class also taught him Vacation Bible School this summer. She had about six 5-year-old boys and three girls in the class and her co-teacher wasn’t able to come that night. I didn’t know this until we picked him up, otherwise I would have stayed. She looked rattled — and who wouldn’t? What a brave mom!
Earlier this week, I stood in a field behind our school for three hours cheering on my kids and other students as they ran in a Boosterthon. (In my day, they were called walk-a-thons — basically running to raise money for the school.) There were a few dads sprinkled here and there, but mostly, I was surrounded by mothers.
And what were these moms talking about for three hours in a field you might ask?
Well, in between yelling and taking photos of the kids, they were discussing all the other volunteer work they are doing. Who is going to be co-leader for the Girl Scout troop? Who could be cookie chair? Is e-mail the best way to reach the other parents in the class? So even, while the moms are at one volunteer event, they are thinking about the others.
I am proud to be a new part of this amazing network of moms. They make you feel like there’s nothing they can’t accomplish as a group — that there will always be a mom in the community willing to take on the task.
But one thing I am wrestling with and I think a lot of moms are as well: When can you say no? When are you shirking your duty and when are you truly at your limit? How do you tell them no?
When I came home from the Boosterthon, there was an e-mail from another Girl Scout mom wondering if I would share cookie chair with her this year. I haven’t responded yet. I’m still thinking about it.
Is starting a ministry at your church, being a room mom, working 20 hours a week and caring for three kids enough to be able to say no? I’m not sure, but aren’t the other moms just as busy?
You can reach Theresa at ajcmomania@gmail.com. Ideas for columns and blogs are welcome.
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Are you texting to stay close with your kids?
An AJC reporter is seeking texting moms to talk about how and why they are communicating with their kids this way.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I know we’ve talked about texting a couple of times, but we have a reporter working on a story and this is what he wants to know:
Not long ago, the popular perception was that texting on mobile phones was just for kids, and that parents were endearingly clueless about how this new-fangled thingie worked.
Now, more moms are turning into texting maniacs. Some with teens figured out it is a great way to keep track of your kids without it seeming like you’re breathing down their necks. Some realized that if they wanted to know what was going on in their kids’ lives, they’d better get texting.
What’s your feeling about texting, and how has it changed? If you’re a texting mom, what are you texting and to whom?
Phil Kloer, a features writer for the AJC, is trying to find some texting moms to talk to for his story. He’s interested to read your comments here, but he’d love hearing from any texting moms at pkloer@ajc.com or 404-526-5448.
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Must you divorce if your husband strays?
Do you want to know if he cheats? Does the knowledge force you into getting a divorce to maintain your dignity? Are you better off not knowing or ‘ignoring’ it?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The classic movie “The Women,” from 1939, examines whether a woman should just “ignore” that her husband has cheated on her because if she acknowledges it then out of pride she MUST divorce him.
The movie has been remade (starring Meg Ryan and Annette Bening among many others) and opens this Friday in theaters. (I have no idea how the remake will be, but the original is fantastic and has an amazing cast. You can see the original on TCM at 8 p.m., Monday, Sept. 15.)
I was talking about the movie with my friend the other day and she said her mother always told her if he cheated just once to ignore it. Her mother said the woman has more to lose by divorcing the man than by living with one infidelity. The caveat to this rule is you must never let HIM know that is the rule. Of course if he habitually cheats, you must divorce him, said her mother.
The other tidbit my friend added was that according to one famous radio “doctor,” if he only cheats once the husband should NOT tell his wife because that just relieves his own guilt and puts his wife into this terrible predicament of having to decide what to do the with the new knowledge.
What do you think? Would you want to know if your husband cheated once? (Does it matter if it’s a showgirl in Vegas or someone you both know?) Would you definitely divorce if you knew? Does it put the wife in a weaker position if she doesn’t divorce? Would the husband be grateful or now just think he could fool around with no repercussions?
While working on this topic I ran across these links. I thought they were appropriately fun for today:
How to tell if your guy is cheating
8 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage
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How much are you willing to spend on pets when you have kids?
Is a life-saving surgery for your pet worth three months of your child’s private school tuition? How much time are you willing to take away from your kids to care for your pets?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
How much money (and energy) are you willing to spend on a pet that could in theory be spent on your child? Is $1,500 too much for a life-saving procedure? Is it reasonable to spend more on antibiotics for a dog with allergies than you do on medicine for your children each month?
I’m sure pet owners who have no children or who have grown children will be offended by this topic, but when you have children I think most people would have to at least consider: How else could this money be spent?
Three examples from recent weeks to share:
One of our friend’s dogs needed a life-saving surgery that essentially added up to three months worth of private-school tuition for their child. It was not guaranteed that the dog would live and the condition could re-occur. The mother was not pleased but the father said “Of course we’re going to pay it.” The father kept trying to hide the vet bills. The mother works part time to cover the school tuition.
Another friend was told her dog either had pneumonia or cancer. The vet suggested a more than $500 internal scan and blood tests to find out which it was. The friend suggested they continue with antibiotics to see if the dog got better. Then they would know without the expensive scan.
I was forwarded an email from a friend of a friend looking for a new owner for their dog. The dog was extremely allergic and the mother was spending a ton of time and money each month taking care of the dog. She was very honest about his conditions and said it was just taking too much away from the kids and they needed to give the dog away.
How much are you willing to spend on your pet that might take away resources from your kids? How much time are you willing to devote beyond just the basic care of a pet?
For the pets lovers, check out our full pets coverage.
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Does getting married help teen pregnancy?
Does making ‘an honest woman’ out of a pregnant teen help the situation? Is it best for everyone or no one?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Since Gov. Sarah Palin announced that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant and planning to marry the 18-year-old father, I have been thinking a lot about whether getting married helps or hurts teens in this situation. (Jamie Lynn Spears is another recent example. She was only 16. The wedding was on, but now it appears to be off.)
It does “make an honest woman” of the girl and makes the baby legally legitimate, but does it set them up to fail?
A recent story from the Chicago Tribune examined the issue of pregnant teens getting married.The story points out that the number of pregnant teens choosing to marry has dropped dramatically over the years. Here’s the link to the full story. Here are some stats from the story:
Bonnie Miller Rubin and John Keilman of the Chicago Tribune report:
“It wasn’t long ago, however, that shotgun marriages were considered the norm, a way for a boy to make an ‘honest woman’ out of a girl who got caught having premarital sex. In the first half of the 1960s, almost 70 percent of white pregnant teens ages 15-19 tied the knot — compared to 19 percent by the early 1990s.”
“For black teens, the rate fell from 36 percent to less than 7 percent, according to the Center for Law and Social Policy in Washington, D.C.”
“But a confluence of trends, including contraception and increased career opportunities, has turned forced matrimony into a relic of another era — and certainly not the route to domestic bliss.”
“The combination of unplanned pregnancy and youth raises the risk for divorce, said Stephanie Coontz, a historian at Evergreen State University.”
Divorce360, a web site devoted purely to divorce, examined in a recent entry whether Bristol Palin’s marriage can work. Here’s the link and here are some excerpts of what it reported:
” ‘First marriages by women under age 18 are the most likely group to divorce,’ said Brette Sember, a retired attorney, author of ‘The Divorce Organizer and Planner.’ ‘The divorce rates are quite high for this group. Recent studies have shown that the brains of teens and those in their early 20s are not fully mature, so to expect someone to make a lifelong commitment and be able to stick to it at this age is just not realistic.’ ”
“According to a 2001 study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 48 percent of those who marry before 18 are more likely to divorce within 10 years, compared with 24 percent of those who marry after age 25. The study used statistics from 1995.”
So what do you think? Should teens who find themselves in a “family way” get married?
Are the mother and baby better off staying with her parents and getting their help with the baby? Are she and baby better off marrying and moving in with the baby’s father?
What have you experienced personally or seen through friends or daughters or sons?
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And then there was one
It’s an odd phenomenon to go from caring for three children to only one during the school day. Do you miss your pack when they go off to school? Does it ever feel the same with a subsequent child as it did with your first?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My 17-month-old daughter wanders the house calling for her older brother and sister. As hard as she searches, she’s not going to find them — at least not between the hours of 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. during the week.
They are both at the elementary school just a few miles away, and I feel just as lost as she does without them.
I had my two oldest children very close together (25 months apart) so I’ve rarely been without at least two children to care for at home.
We’ve gotten used to moving as a pack, and we’re pretty good at it too. Like a semi-well-oiled machine, we get into the car as a group. We go to the gym as a group. Sadly, we often even go to the bathroom as group. (You know you’ve shoved all your kids into the handicapped stall in the public restroom. What else are you going to do with that stroller?)
It’s an odd feeling to only load one child into the minivan or to only take one child with me to the grocery store. When I show up places with just Lilina, people are surprised. They expect to see me carrying the baby with the two other little ducks trailing behind.
When I’m out with the just the baby, I feel like a platoon leader who has gone out for a jog with no soldiers behind her. I turn around expecting to find other children but they’re not there.
It’s definitely easier to get our chores done, and it is nice to be “alone” in the house when the baby takes her nap. But it’s an odd sensation to go from caring for three to only one during the day.
For some bizarre reason when Lilina and I are out alone, I always feel the need to explain that she’s not my only one. I guess I don’t want other mothers summing me up as a novice.
During the week, Lilina gets up early with the rest of the kids (Let me rephrase that: The poor baby gets woken up by the rest of the kids). But I don’t think she would have it any other way. She misses them so much during the day that I think, although harder on us, she needs to eat breakfast with her brother and sister and see them off to school
When we come back into the quiet house, we just kind of look at each other like “Well what should we do now?”
We try to stay busy and stick to somewhat of a schedule. We try to workout at least four mornings a week. (She doesn’t work out so much as let me push her in the stroller.) We go to the farmer’s market together. We smell the herbs and talk to the other mommies and babies. We take the dog to be groomed and have meetings at the church.
I plan to sign her up for a music class like I used to do with Rose and hope at some point we can meet mommy friends for lunch like I used to when I just had one. The only problem is these days most of my friends have to pick up their kids from preschool at 12:30 p.m. so their play time is limited. I’m back to having all day.
We play with trains on her bedroom floor. She shoves books at me and demands “Read!” We go out back to swing. There’s far less chance of her getting knocked in the teeth by an un-observant, erratic swinger, but it’s also far less entertaining with only me singing and digging in the sand.
She plays with the gate under the arbor and explores the garden. We eat lunch, she naps, I work and we wait. Wait for the rest of our family to come home.
She’s always up just in time to greet them. I’m usually changing her diaper from her nap when we hear the bus steaming up the hill. Lilina and I run out to the stop. She squeals and laughs when she sees Rose and Walsh climb down out of the bus. Her best friends are home! And we are a crazy, boisterous pack again.
You can reach Theresa by email at ajcmomania@gmail.com. Topics for columns or blogs are welcome!
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Room mom or can’t find the room?
How much are you able to help out in your child’s classroom? How much do you want to help out? How do your prioritize between several kids in school?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Now that I have two children in the elementary school, I am trying to figure out exactly how much time I will be able to help and how to split that time between their classrooms. I also have a small complication that you’re not supposed to bring a younger sibling (like our 17-month-old baby) into the classroom if helping with academics. (Although, it seems to be OK when helping with parties.)
How much time are you able to spend at your child’s school? How do you divide your time when you have multiple children in school?
Is it competitive to get to be the room mom at your school or are there not any volunteers? We only had two moms volunteer to help in my son’s class so we automatically became co-room moms. This year Rose’s class has six moms volunteering. Is it hard to get parents to volunteer to help out with parties or jobs in the classroom (like Thursday folder mom or Sunshine Math grader)?
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Can mothers balance high-powered jobs and kids?
How do mothers, like Gov. Sarah Palin, balance the demands of their jobs against the demands of their families? Is it fair to their children? Is it fair to the job?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Is it a 1950s throwback or a fair question: Can a mother of small children, like Gov. Sarah Palin, balance a high-powered job and still meet all her family’s needs?
One of our readers asked for us to discuss: “What are the pros and cons of trying to balance motherhood and a high-powered job? Are the children short-changed? What about the job? How can this balance be achieved?”
There is an excellent story in The Washington Post by Lois Romano examining how Gov. Palin currently is managing her family of 5 kids (including her 4-month-old special needs son) and running the state of Alaska. Here is the link to the full story.
Here a few excerpts from The Washington Post story:
“Palin has carefully portrayed herself throughout her career as someone committed to both family and profession — and tough enough to handle both. She made a show of dismissing the chef at the governor’s mansion saying she wanted to do her own cooking, and that the kids were old enough to make their own sandwiches. And no one can recall her ever having a full-time babysitter.”
” ‘You walk into her office and Piper is sitting there, the baby is in the crib — that’s just the way it is. This is how she lives her life. Someone who was in a meeting with her recently said she was discreetly nursing Trig,’ said Palin’s biographer Kaylene Johnson.”
” ‘She’s heard that her whole life — the challenges of being a female and mother in the workforce,’ Palin’s husband, Todd, said in the same interview with People a few days ago. ‘I remember the first time she ran for mayor one of her fellow council members told her you can’t run because you’ve got three negatives: Track, Bristol and Willow. Those are the three kids we had at the time. So when you tell her that kind of stuff, she just gets fired up.’ ”
“Trig Paxton Van Palin could end up being the best-traveled infant in America. Campaign sources said that the baby would be with his mother a good part of the time, and that arrangements are being made to have a babysitter travel with them. Confirms grandmother Sally Heath, ‘I can’t imagine she would leave him behind.’ ”
One interesting stat for this discussion that The Washington Post story pointed out:
“Although a clear majority of mothers today are in the workforce, studies show that the pendulum has swung back, and most are skeptical about mothers working full time; they see part-time jobs as the ideal. A recent survey by Pew Research reported that only 11 percent of working mothers believe it’s good for children when the mother works full time.”
So what do you guys think? Can mothers (I think especially with young children — I don’t think it’s as much an issue when their kids are grown or in college) balance high-powered jobs and take care of their families? Is sleep deprivation an issue, especially for mothers with infants? Does it matter if the infant is special needs?
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How much can Gulf Coast families take?
How many times can these families evacuate? At what point do you just call it quits and leave your hometown?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I can’t even begin to imagine having to pack up our children, dog and a small amount of important possessions (bank accounts and baby albums), flee our home and hope that there’s something there when we return. What a frightening prospect all the way around.
The AJC had an interesting story saying that this time some families may not be going back. Here’s the link to the story. It made me wonder: How do you decide when enough is enough and leave your home, friends and maybe the town you grew up in? When do you give up and move on?
Is it intestinal fortitude to keep going back or putting your family at risk?
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