MOMania

By sounds like me

September 11, 2008 7:45 AM | Link to this

Well, this couldn’t be a more timely topic for me. My husband has been “straying” for a while now. He moved out of our bedroom into another room in our house almost a year ago. We are not (at the moment) divorcing, because for now, this “roommate” situation works for us and for our children, who are 4 and 7. I have mourned the loss of my marriage partner, but there’s no changing who my parental partner is. In our house right now, he is still the breadwinner and I am able to be the SAHM that I want to be. It’s certainly not ideal, (and I do realize that he is having his cake and eating it too) but I’m willing to stay this way for a while, at least until my youngest starts kindergarten.

By Kathy

September 11, 2008 7:54 AM | Link to this

Theresa, I don’t have a response yet (too early to think that hard!), but I wanted to let you (and everyone else)know that Oprah is doing a show about this very subject today at 4. She will have M. Gary Neuman on. He is a marriage/family therapist that is going to discuss why men cheat. Just from watching the previews this week it looks like it will be a good show.

By lakerat

September 11, 2008 8:16 AM | Link to this

Or, said another way, “Must you divorce if your WIFE strays?

And, another topic of interest, “How to tell if your gal is cheating”.

Statistics say that today 50% of all marriages end in divorce - is it proper to assume that it is always the guys fault?

By Kim

September 11, 2008 8:21 AM | Link to this

Cheating under any circumstances dissolves the very foundation of a relationship. A woman who puts up with it is unmining her self confidence. As far as children are concerned, they learn to model what behaviors are being shown by those most important to them — a mother who acts as a floormat and a father who acts like his self gratification is the most important thing in the world. Your values of what is important is shown in your decisions. Decide your life and the future adult lives of your children are more valuable than someone who likes to put sex first. It is a sad statement to “let it be.”

By Reality Check

September 11, 2008 8:33 AM | Link to this

Kim, totally agree. But you guys are missing something….disease. Not just something a shot of pen will get rid of. Go volunteer at an AIDS hospice and see, really, if that is what you want your future to look like.

By FoolMeOnce

September 11, 2008 8:34 AM | Link to this

If he’s done it more than once, you need to break it up. It’s not worth the pain of repetitive lies, betrayals, and a facade of a happy marriage is no substitute for an honest relationship.

Only if it’s only been once, and he’s forthright about his cell, his computer, and accountability, then you have a chance.

By Renee

September 11, 2008 8:36 AM | Link to this

You included the comment: “if he cheated just once to ignore it.” Ignore it?

If you ignore it, he’ll figure he got away with it and do it again. And again. And again.

Even if you don’t pursue divorce proceedings, you must at least confront it and let him know that you know. And tell him not to do it again. Keep all evidence you have, so if you end up getting a divorce, you can prove he cheated, not just claim it.

By John

September 11, 2008 8:36 AM | Link to this

This doesn’t mean men cheat more than women does it? What do you do if your wife is cheating? There are different factors that drive a woman to stray.

By My3Kids

September 11, 2008 8:37 AM | Link to this

I don’t think you must divorce your husband if he cheats. My husband and I have talked about this before. Even some of the most rock solid marriages have endured cheating. Things happen for a reason, but if you truely love each other, a relationship can be repaired. Ok…I am a hopeless romantic at times.

Actually my parents were the “dream” couple when my sister and I were growing up. They laughed, danced, helped each other, spoiled one another. They were the type of couple that my friends wanted when they grew up because their parents didn’t have the “fire” my parents had. However, they also had their issues. What couple does not? I was a Daddy’s girl growing up and in my eyes he never did wrong. However, my mom used to tell me he was cheating on her. She swore he did this off and on throughout their marriage. They were married until she passed away in 1999. He always said he was innocent. I used to tell her to leave and she never would because she loved my father and he was great to her on every other aspect of thier relationship. They (both informed me the following) were best friends, had an awesome sex life, adored each other, did everything together, and supported each other. And when my mom passed away, my father was miserable because he lost his best friend. However one night after my mom passed away, I came home early from going out with friends and he was up babysitting my oldest (at the time only) daughter. So we were sitting around chatting and watching ESPN and he asked about my daughter’s god father. Daddy was worried because he hadn’t been around. I told him we had an agruement because some married man was hitting on me. He wanted to run and tell the guy’s wife and I was like NO…nothing happened, we flirted, I found out he was married and I told him to take the high road. I was upset that my daughter’s god father was acting like this because he was having an affair with a married woman at the time. My dad told me to avoid married men because you don’t want to be blamed for a marriage ending even if you were not the reason. At the time I was single and I told my dad that I didn’t need the headache of a married man, I had enough headaches with the guys I was dating already. LOL. He then informed he was guilty of the things my mom accused him of, but not guilty of the ONES she accused him of. I asked why he stayed and he told me the same thing my mom told me years before and that he didn’t really know how to stay faithful (back to that gene that supposedly says if you would cheat or not).

After that I lost a lot of faith in men. I don’t think 90% of the men in this world can be faithful. I also don’t think 70% of women in this world ccan be faithful either.

My sister started to cheat on her first husband after our mom passed away. My husband asked me if it was hereditary about cheating. I laughed at him and told him I don’t know. However, if it is, then I hope I took after my mom because I don’t want to cheat. I know if I wanted to, I could but why do I need the headache of another man…I have enough problems in my marriage already.

I have seen many marriages survive cheating and I like to believe almost all can if the couple truely loves each other.

By lakerat

September 11, 2008 8:38 AM | Link to this

I know this is off today’s topic, and I apologize, but I was on vacation last week and missed MJGooses’ tirade defending herself about assisting her son with his college bug project - boy, did she ever get her bloomers in a bunch!

My son had the same course his SR year in Athens, but he did not ask for any assistance in looking for insects - so, as the late, great, Lewis Grizzard once said as the punch line to one of his stories, MJGoose, I don’t beleive I’d a told that!

By Rod

September 11, 2008 8:40 AM | Link to this

I have to agree with lakerat - Theresa is being a bit sexist today. This is the 21st Century - more and more wives are cheating on husbands.

You should have titled this: “Must you divorce if your spouse strays.”

By catlady

September 11, 2008 8:43 AM | Link to this

Good God, “sounds like me”! You need to get a grip, IMHO. Your children are seeing all this(and don’t think they aren’t), and it is okay so you can be a stay at home mom???

By JJ

September 11, 2008 8:43 AM | Link to this

I divorced my husband because of his cheating ways. On top of the lies, the lack of communication, etc.

I couldn’t live like that. I couldn’t live not knowing whether he was coming home late, or at all. The final straw was when he told me he would be home right after work (usually 8:00 p.m.) and he never came home. I changed the locks on the door and wouldn’t let him back in…….I came very close to throwing his stuff out on the lawn like you see in commercials.

I told my daughter this a few weeks ago. She never really knew why we divorced. I told her I was not going to live my life like this. I wanted more. I wanted more for her. So I finally got the courage, and kicked him to the curb. I never thought in all my days that I would be a single parent, but I knew I was not going to put up with that mess.

We are better off without him. I just recently found out he has left his 4th wife with 2 kids, and is now living in Texas with his girlfriend. This man left 5 children, with 4 single moms…..

I am glad he is out of our lives!!!!! I don’t regret it at all!!! I’m glad I had the courage to get out when I did.

By MomsRule

September 11, 2008 8:43 AM | Link to this

sounds like me, Please understand I am not being judgmental when I ask this question.

Would your current “roommate” situation be as acceptable to your spouse if you started straying as well?

By Stan

September 11, 2008 8:48 AM | Link to this

My3Kids brings up an intresting point (not to belittle her post which is very good and thought provoking) but if you parents have and “awesome sex life”, would you want to know? =) I would not…

By DarkBrown

September 11, 2008 8:53 AM | Link to this

This one thing I know - It’s just as hard to make the decision to stay and work on a relationship as it is to leave someone who you still love.

By Jesse's Girl

September 11, 2008 8:53 AM | Link to this

Ok…I will probably be in the minority here. But I think most affairs happen because of BOTH the husband and the wife. Granted, there are nasty cads out there who do it just because they can. But for the most part, its an issue within the marriage that both are responsible for. Obvioulsy, I am not absolving the cheater of their ownership of the problem. But I know in my marriage when I am not giving what I should. I know when I am slacking on the emotional connection or when I am becoming too moody and nit-picky. And men recognize the same things in themselves. We all know when we are being a-holes. It becomes a real issue when neither speaks up about it and resentment builds.

For me….if Jesse cheated, it would not neccessarily lead to a divorce. I too am a hug fan of the original “The Women”…and I do not see Meg Ryan as the lead..but thats beside the point:) There is an unspoken rule that a one time cheater should be forgiven if possible. I agree wholeheartedly. My very best friend’s husband cheated and I went through it with her like it was happening to me. When she having trouble being in the same room with him, so was I. When she could laugh and joke with him, so could I. While it didn’t happen to my own marriage…I had a first hand look at how I would likely handle it. But she also learned what she contributed to the issues they were having. She dealt with them by pulling away and drowning in the kids and work. He handled it by nailing his client.

Every situation is different….I am unhappy with how my BF’s husband seems relativley unchanged. I don’t think he is still cheating….mainly because he knows how handy I am with a gun and shovel….but his attitude toward her has remained unchanged. But she is ok with it. It works for her. And thats the point you ultimately have to arrive at…doing what works best for you and the children.

By baddog

September 11, 2008 9:00 AM | Link to this

If Women quit putting pooh pooh in the game of Marriage Men wouldn’t have to cheat. Ladies shut up and give him some when he wants it. And cook sometimes for God’s sake

By Theresa

September 11, 2008 9:05 AM | Link to this

I am looking to find numbers on the percentage of men that cheat versus women — I’m not finding any straight off —I may put in a call to news research —-I bet the number of women who are cheating has increased over the years, but I also bet it is still a much larger percentage of men doing the cheating -

— Also I guess my focus was on the women because the movie is all about the women and their response to the cheating —

I’m sure you guys are going to go crazy over this but I’m just going to say it — Here are the reasons why I think men would more likely be the ones to cheat —-

As women age, they often are putting on and off weight during their child bearing years, they often feel less attractive and take less care of themselves while they are caring for said children —-Case in point, I am working out four days a week to get rid of 10 to 15 pounds put on over the last 7 years of having three babies — meanwhile my husband looks better than ever. He’s never put on weight and works out each night —- Had I not been the one birthing babies, I wouldn’t have put weight on either.

Other points — I see maybe five men during the course of my day — most of them dads at the elementary school — My husband on the other hand (like most working men) encounter lots of attractive, intelligent women in the workforce — it’s a little thing called opportunity — I’m not sayign my hsuband would ever cheat on me — I’m just saying he’s got more opportunity than I do.

Next point, traveling for work -0— more oppportunity — you’re in hotels in cities far away from your real life — you’re going out to dinner, having drinks — and going back to hotels with colleagues — Again, my husband isn’t cheating on me — These are opportunities for women who travel for work as well — I just don’t happen to travel any where outside my five mile radius

My final point is I think men’s sex drives in general — not always but in general — are higher than women’s — so I think often they are wanting it more than their wife is willing to do it at home — that want plus a little opportunity and you have an affair —

So go ahead — go crazy — beat me up — these are all logical reasons though

By My3Kids

September 11, 2008 9:08 AM | Link to this

Stan, Trust me I never wanted to know my parents had a sex life. However, they did, but unfortuantly my mom was one of those utterly honest people and she told almost everything. My dad just sorted following suit..they figured if I was old enough to know things and do things they wouldn’t hide things and always gave you straight truthfully answers. I hated it at times, but now that they are both gone…I would do anything to have it back.

By Theresa

September 11, 2008 9:09 AM | Link to this

JG — gun and shovel - you are too funny!

i have some resentment toward a husband of a friend - like the dixie chicks said - I’m not ready to make nice -

By motherjanegoose

September 11, 2008 9:12 AM | Link to this

OFF TOPIC… thanks lakerat…

I guess that since I have gone out of my way to help so many folks ( and my son too…I never mentioned the time he walked into a sandwich shop in Athens where he does not work but eats frequently and saw that it was so busy after the game. He told the manager he would work to help them through the crunch…the manager was in awe and respect for a college kid who would help out just to be nice) Anyway, we try to be nice in our family and so many of my kind friends have said “sure…we will be on the look out and if we see an interesting insect…we will keep it.”

I am proud to know so many nice folks personally. I cannot stand folks who are rude for no reason like the horn beepers or Gwinnett County who lay on the horn as SOON as the light blinks green and scares the fiddlesticks out of everyone else.

My son has already collected half of what he needs this past 2 weeks HIMSELF…I am not doing the project for him.

I initially responded towards a topic about children pitching in money for the family budget and “tongue in cheek” said that I would pay 25 cents per bug. I got blasted by some and offers from others…variety makes the world go round…rude vs. kind.

Sorry if you think my comment are nuts. Since I do not get paid to comment here…I will try not to be too offended.
I will get paid to comment for 5 hours on Saturday and do this all across the country at educational venues…it is a good thing I have something valid to say….please do not tell my clients…hahaha!

Yes my bloomers are in a bunch and I will try to straighten them out before I go out to get paid to share my ideas today LOL.

Sorry Theresa,.,, I will leave the blog alone for the rest of the day.

By Theresa

September 11, 2008 9:14 AM | Link to this

One last thing and then I’m going to go work off those baby pounds — Lakerat - I have no problem wiht MJG finding kids to capture those 90 bugs — first off I think she was mostly kidding but if somebody did it — it’s called outsourcing —- The Wall Street Journal talks all the time about determining what your hourly worth is not working on projects that you can pay someone less per hour to do —- This guy’s got better things to do with him time than capture 90 stupid bugs — I would totally have gotten somebody else to do that - same reason I don’t cut my grass — I got other fish to fry —

By Jesse's Girl

September 11, 2008 9:20 AM | Link to this

I totally agree with you Theresa!! I know Jesse has more of an opportunity to cheat than I do. I am around the same people all of the time at the office or studio….and they ain’t a temptation! I have always told Jesse that IF he decides to make the unwise choice to cheat on a woman who can take a Glock apart in her sleep and put it back together…he’d better make it count and make sure I do not find out. If I did discover it, I think I’d be even more p** if she were ugly. Thats just a double punch:)

By debrygirl84

September 11, 2008 9:28 AM | Link to this

Try driving to work and seeing your husband, who just left the house, merge in front of you with his girlfriend in the front seat. That did it for me. He later admitted to another affair when I was pregnant with our second child. Mr. Scumbag is now gone and I’m currently with a gorgeous (and muscles to die for) man who is 12 yrs my junior who adores me. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Men AND women, if your significant other cheats, RUN; you deserve better!!!

By Jean

September 11, 2008 9:37 AM | Link to this

My husband cheated (a one-night stand) in 1979, four years into our marriage. I gave him hell and made him miserable. He never cheated again and our relationship recovered and we are fine. If it had become a pattern, I would have left.

By Alpha Dog

September 11, 2008 9:49 AM | Link to this

Here’s a simple way to gain a real perspective on this issue. Ask any of your friends, male or female, who have divorced if they are better off. Ask them if the divorce made their lives, or the lives of their children, any better. Does the satisfaction of ruining the husband’s finances and showing your friends who’s the boss outlive the pain of packing your kids off every other weekend? Do you really want to punish him and yourself for him not being a good husband, although he’s a good father and provider? We can debate all of the other issues but at the end are you happier with him, and his faults, or without him?

By cheatercheater

September 11, 2008 9:51 AM | Link to this

My ex cheated dozens of times and it took me a few years to leave because he financially ruined us.

I am better off without him. I never look back and say I wish I had of stayed because of the kids.

By Another point of view

September 11, 2008 9:52 AM | Link to this

Ladies, you want kids, a home, family. Men want great sex. Since most of you forget that after marriage these things happen. You really should woman up and quit complaining all the time. What, did you think he, cared for you so much he’d spend the rest of his life listening to you and not even get some relief. Wow

On disease, you can’t scare men into being faithful. Sure its out there but a married guy that wants sex doesn’t think about that when he meets that cutie at work, just like you don’t think about the fact you could die in an automobile accident going to work. A man in conquring mode feels indestructable.

Finally, I pursued women more when I was married that now that I’m single. All of my married buddies have numerous gf’s. Marriages only worked when it was about money. Now people want to act like this love thing is the end all. Check the stats, its not working. LOL

By Steve

September 11, 2008 9:53 AM | Link to this

Why is it alway’s “him”? Found out my wife was in an affair going on 5 years and we had 3 young kids. We are still together but only for the kids sake or i would have booted her the day i found out. Just biding my time until the kids are grown, you never forget or forgive.

By Jezebel

September 11, 2008 9:58 AM | Link to this

I’m a woman and I’ve cheated (with a married man). I don’t regret one minute of it. It made my marriage better. For real.

Don’t get caught!

By sue

September 11, 2008 9:59 AM | Link to this

Wow. This is (unbelievably) a timely topic for me. I just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband had “fallen in love” with another woman. It was a long distance affair and there was no sex or physical contact, but it was still devastating to me. There was a trust broken and he went outside the marriage for something that he should’ve turned to me for.

I’m choosing to stay and work things out (provided there is no more contact with her). We have a child and I don’t want to turn his world upside down. I don’t know if my response would’ve been different if he had had sex with her. I honestly don’t know if I could respond physically to him knowing that he had been with another woman (not to mention diseases). Emotionally is difficult enough

By JJ

September 11, 2008 9:59 AM | Link to this

Mother My entire comment is directed to you….

You do NOT need to defend yourself here. Don’t pay any attention to the turkeys. We all know what you meant.

Now please, children, let’s try and get along. We don’t know each other face to face, but we are a little community here, and we bounce stuff off each other. I find ALOT of comfort here and a TON of wisdom and advice.

Don’t let the turkeys get your down. Don’t feed the trolls, and don’t worry about what others think. We cannot control that. Just be the best you can be, and if someone wants to take you down, don’t let them. You know we are all in your corner.

I thought the .25 per bug was really cute. I don’t care how old your son is…..you are an involved parent, even though he is in college. We all know you weren’t doing his work, but doing what a mother does best, helping her child(ren) succeed!! And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that!!!

I just think some people are jealous.

Stay strong Girl. You know you have our support.

By lovin life

September 11, 2008 10:04 AM | Link to this

Mother I am sorry you were so offended by my 2 cents and idea yesterday. I was simply saying as a mom, and someone who works with children that I frequently see the “us vs. them” not working out and turning into a problem. I too really admire new mom. I like the fact that as a new mom she is willing to try to learn, ask for advice, and a lot of times she is a great voice of reason as an “outsider” for older kid problems. I would defend her and have, and I have also defended you (the whole bug thing) but I just think that it can be done not so much in a us vs them way. I am a little upset by this tactic as a whole right now because I see it happening with moms everwhere especially is schools. I think we should ban together. Maybe Mana had a horriable day. Anyway that is my thought. NEw Mom , yep Baby B is 9 mon. so he and your sweetie are close in age. Can you tell me more about Pedipeds. Why do you love them so? I own a children’s boutique and am curious for myself for B and for my store. Theresa, sorry I am so off topic today. Cheating was a problem in my family but in the end brought everyone closer (not me and MR T, but my Parents). I am a little busy to get into it right now(it is still a little mentally rough) but maybe later today. Love to all!!! Hope you aren’t still mad Mother.

By Fred

September 11, 2008 10:05 AM | Link to this

for some guys, cheating is not desirable, but after a while, when their wives don’t ever want to make love, the lack of physical intimacy begins to crowd everything else out and they begin looking elsewhere. If a man does his best to be at home, help with the kids when he can (despite working long hours), makes a decent effort at being sweet to his wife and still can’t ever manage to get her “in the mood”, it shouldn’t be all that surprising that he strays.

By Sassy

September 11, 2008 10:06 AM | Link to this

Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater!!!

The reasons or point of blame are only excuses …and poor ones at that …to condone a behavior that is just flat-out selfish.

To cheat is a decision one makes, no different that a decision of ‘what to wear today’.

I dealt with and forgave a cheater many times during a 9 year marriage from hell. I would always get the ‘I’m sorry, I’l never do it again. I can’t live without you’ speech. After the 4th time … enough was enough.

Any woman or man who allows a cheater (doesn’t always have to be a physical cheater either) to manipulate their life should run passed go … get the heck outta Dodge … roped ‘em, tag ‘em and bag ‘em.

Move on for yourself and children if you have them.

By ricecakes

September 11, 2008 10:21 AM | Link to this

TO: Sounds Like Me…I hope you are looking for a job because you never know when he is going to walk out on you or stop paying the household bills. I had a co-worker that went through the exact same scenario as you. Thank God she was not a SAHM; she made a decent salary. I find it hard to believe you are happy with your situation. It has to be stressful. Also, your living arrangement IS NOT something you want your children (especially boys) to see day in and day out. Children mimmick the lives their parents live. Although your youngest is four this is still making an impression on both of your kids. And lastly, you will feel better as a person and a mom if you show your husband you don’t have to depend on him and put up with his crap! Right now he has YOU BY THE BALLS! He has no respect for you, your marriage or your children. Do something, even if you have to move in with someone temporarily or better yet…get proof of his infidelity and kick his azz out. He will still have financial responsibility to your household and your children. Just call a lawyer and you’ll be well informed.

By ADL

September 11, 2008 10:23 AM | Link to this

Something tells me Oprah won’t go into much detail about women cheating on her show.

By lakerat

September 11, 2008 10:23 AM | Link to this

Wow, I need to go on vacation more often - I miss a week and come back and try to add a little levity to something blogged last week by quoting one of the most famous lines to a joke told by one of the most famous UGA grads of all time (ya’ll do know who Lewis Grizzard is, don’t you?) and I get several of the more infamous bloggers all riled, including the head blogger herself!

All of us have kids we would do anything for, but, c’mon, looking for bugs for a college senior - no wonder the Tech people make fun of the UGA people! We all love our kids and hope for the best for them, but we don’t continually tell everyone how great they are or how nice we are!

So, let’s all calm down and sing Kum Ba Yah - though I must admit thinking of Jesse’s Girl with that Glock, and imagining Theresa all sweaty, and thinking of JJ as she is, really is making me think about today’s topic!

By ricecakes

September 11, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this

TO: Sue…Honey, I hate to bust your bubble but your husband has more than likely been intimate with this woman. If you know men then you know that there number 1 element in any relationship is “sex”. He hasn’t fallen in love with this woman because of their conversation alone. Sorry, I’m married too and my husband couldn’t tell me that he’s in love with a woman and all he did was talk to her over the phone or email. That’s Bulls… Don’t be in denial. Also, I do know how you feel when it comes to your son.

By Lynn

September 11, 2008 10:41 AM | Link to this

Seeing the damage caused by best friend’s husband who cheated and married the other woman seven years ago is enough to make me realize how selfish the cheater really is. The hurt and disruption the children suffer as they go from house to house is sad.

Those who cheat should be the ones made to suffer. In this situation, I believe the old “at fault” divorce rules should apply and the cheater should be the one who has the worst end of destroying his/her family.

By Jesse's Girl

September 11, 2008 10:43 AM | Link to this

I think women as a whole discount the vital importance a good-steady sex life has on a marriage. I’m not saying to jump on the crazy ship with those bafoons who have written books about sex everyday. But giving and accepting the invitation even when you aren’t a blazing horn-ball is a good thing every now and again. Men need sex….regularly…period. And we do to!! As wives, we cannot get so caught up in our kids and jobs that we forget about sex and how our men need it to feel loved and connected to us. I personally get very cranky without it. There…our Dr Laura PSA is over.

By Jesse's Girl

September 11, 2008 10:45 AM | Link to this

Oh…Lewis Grizzrd is stll one of my favorite humans….dead or alive. Met him once, I was in awe.

By Sxzscorpia

September 11, 2008 10:49 AM | Link to this

OK EVERYBODY, CALM DOWN ABOUT THE “HUSBAND” PART OF HER QUESTION- SHE’S BASING THE QUESTION ON THE MOVIE- WHICH WAS ABOUT A CHEATING HUSBAND!!!

By oh good grief!!!

September 11, 2008 10:52 AM | Link to this

I can’t believe the women here who have taken their pricks back after cheating. You have no self respect and deserve what you got!!

By sue

September 11, 2008 10:57 AM | Link to this

to ricecakes:

She lives 2000 miles away. It would’ve been hard for him to have sex with her.

And, yes, I know for sure that she lives 2000 miles away. I know her.

By Jesse's Girl

September 11, 2008 10:58 AM | Link to this

Maybe their pricks were worth keeping around:) Going out of town guys…have a great weekend…and a safe one.

By JJ

September 11, 2008 10:58 AM | Link to this

Just remember one thing…..The message you are sending your kids..

You choose to stay in a relationship with a cheater or abuser, etc, then your children will grow up and think they can act like that.

For those who choose to stay - I know it’s a very tough decision. However, WHY would you want to stay with a cheater? How do you trust them again? How do they make you trust them again? Are you afraid to be alone? Are you afraid you can’t make it without them? What is it that makes you stay and love a cheater?

I think some people are afraid of what may happen. But I tell ya first hand, you do not realize the strength you have until you are faced with a very difficult decision.

I never in my life thought I would be a single parent. But I am. I was scared as scared can be, 30 years old, a 2 month old child, a house, bills, etc. and the loose of his income.

I moved out of our house, and got a condo downtown. I paid off all the bills, and saved for 4 years to purchase my first house. We lived there for 9 years, when I bought my second house.

Now, I have no debt other than my mortgage, and we are happy. My child will graduate high school next summer and off to college.

I am VERY proud of my accomplishments. I had a great supportive family and wonderful friends who got me through it all. I have more strength than I ever thought I would. I am a strong independent woman, and I have made a good life for me and my daughter.

While I do get lonely often, the thought of how my life would have been if I stayed, just sends shivers up my spine.

My prince is out there somewhere, and I am patiently waiting for him. But if he never shows up, I am ok alone. I have more than alot of people, but I have my strength.

By Erica

September 11, 2008 11:12 AM | Link to this

I have been married for nine years next month, and several years ago a young lady called my house late one night, to inform me that my husband was cheating on me with her. She also stated that she told him that she was going to tell me if she did not get what she asked him for. Apparently she did not get her wish. This woman new that he was married and yet she choose to see him. We as women must not allow married men to date us. If you can’t call his house, and visit his house then guess what “he’s married”. I don’t think that its always the woman’s fault that her husband steps out on him. Sometimes its a generational curse that has been passed on. You can give him good lovin from sun up to sun down, cook, clean, if thats what he is use to doing from dating to marriage then “cheating” is what he will do. He is not going to tell you yes, I use to cheat on my girlfriend. Life is choice driven. When I was a child I thought like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish ways. You choose this day what you will do. If a man loves you enough to marry you then he must have enough love to resist the many tempations that you both will have. Women need communication, romance, and men need sex. We must work together to make it work.

By ricecakes

September 11, 2008 11:17 AM | Link to this

TO: Sue…I didn’t mean to get you upset, honestly. However, I have a question for you…Have you ever heard of an airplane? Just asking.

By MomsRule

September 11, 2008 11:24 AM | Link to this

Erica, and…?

What did you do about the phone call? Were you already aware? Did you stay?

By Becky

September 11, 2008 11:26 AM | Link to this

Jesse’s Girl, you should be writing books & be on tour for a comedy show..You never fail to give me something to laugh about..

On topic, I think that everyone deserves a second chance, but that’s it..The men are right on this also, I’ve known as many women that cheated as I have men..You know the saying, it takes 2 to tango..

By K&K's Mom

September 11, 2008 11:35 AM | Link to this

Well, well, I too have suffered from an extramarital affair. My husband had an affair with a triflin married women, that had befriended me at our church our second year of marriage while I was pregnant with our first child. I call her triflin because it is my contention that she planned this whole attack on my husband. Before you say it I am not making any excuses for him and his actions, however once it all came out in the wash it was evident that she planned this to get back at her own husband for having an affair and my husband unfortunately fell for the okey doke. Now six years later we are still married and had another child, a year after the fact.

I learned several things from the situation 1. NEVER SAY NEVER. When I was single and hanging with my girls I said I would never stay with any man who has cheated on me, but then you get married and you have a child or children and put things into perspective. I can say that I would not and did not stay for my child and I had to be very clear about that because, like the topic of getting married due to pregnancy, whether I was teenager or not I knew that that wasn’t going to be good for anyone. 2. I learned that some things aren’t about you. I say that because, during the whole ordeal I blamed myself, was I gaining too much pregnancy weight, did I not give him enough sex, was she prettier, etc, etc. But in reality, this would have probably happened whether he was married to me or Janet Jackson, it was just in the cards for us. One thing my pastor used to say was you have no testimony without a test and this situation has become ours. Since our ordeal we have counseled 2 of our couple friends who have gone through the same thing and who never knew what we had gone through. 3.Lastly I learned that one of the most important things to do when going through the experience is to experience it fullout. What I mean by that is don’t make up your mind on the situation until after you have experienced all the neccessary emotions, anger, hurt, dissappointment, the anger again, and then the healing. Because it can be an emotional rollercoaster.You also have to unfortunately base the outcome on his behavior, in my situation, although he was quite defiant at first, eventually he began to see the hurt in me, in our child (she was born during this ordeal, and his family (especially his mama) and he saw the error of his ways. In the case of Sounds like me, it seems that he could careless because you have made it quite easy for him. And although you think the children don’t know what’s going on believe me they know and they can feel the tention.I don’t know if you have daughter but think about if she were in the same situation, how would you want her to handle it. Would you want her to stay so that she can continue to be a stay at home mom. I don’t mean to mean, but IMHO I think you are being selfish. Your youngest child has had you at home for (I assume) 4 years, I don’t think that the child will become a detremint to society if you go to work.

At anyrate, right now we are in a good place, we have open communication and we probably are in a better place then when we got married, I would never tell anyone that its easy or that you won’t have flash backs when he comes home at 5:40 p.m. instead of 5:30 p.m., but you get through them first minute by minute, then day by day, then month by month and by the time you realize it it has been 6 years.

By Mike D

September 11, 2008 11:48 AM | Link to this

Women if you don’t want your man to cheat, never quit trying to be attactive or sexy. When you do that it is just like throwing in the towel.

By In Florida

September 11, 2008 11:52 AM | Link to this

This is a very interesting subject. My boyfriend and I had a weird relationship. When we met he was in between his baby-mother and another chick, then I came along which made 3 different women he was seeing. We actually started living together right away and that is when I noticed all the tell-tale signs even though we weren’t in a commited relationship with one another it was just mutual(sexual) where we would see other people as well. I felt like I was being the responsible one to inform him that I was sleeping with other men too, well unlike him he decided to never tell me the truth, so I felt like he wasn’t being real with himself let alone me. He got locked up and I still continued to be there for him for about 2 months when all communicaton was lost between us. He was released in 2007 and that is when the real truth came out, he finally told me what was going on back in 2006. That yes indeed he was sleeping with all 3 of us at the same time and even told me how he did it. I worked 3p-11p we would be together all morning until I went to work, then he would go to the(b.m.) house some where throughout the day to see the kids and he said he got “horny” I wasn’t there, so he slept with her. The last woman he would go see at work or at his mother’s house because her and his big sister were friends. It was convient because her mother lived on the same street as his.
When I got off from work I would go home and within 30 minutes of me getting off he would call and demand I come stay with him at night. I was dumb founded because I was “amazed” at the fact how in 16hrs a man had the time to see 3 different women.

His day started at 6:30 am and ended about 10 or 10:30pm. He has 4 children with 2 possibly not being his. He is 2 yrs younger than me and he has been through things in his life I wouldn’t imagine.

B.M. and I had the pleasure to talk one day and she had the nerves to tell me that after his release he tried to come back to her and that since, we had gotten back together that he tried to come back to her. Wow!! But he told me the truth that it didn’t actually happen that way.

I realized I once was the “other woman.” All the cheating he had done on her, he also did the cheating on me in 2007 and up to February this year.

Tell-tale signs your mate is cheating: hiding the cellphone, late night texting, finding names and numbers of people you don’t know, change in the attitude, sexual stamina is not the same. My boyfriend did all of this. And for the record anytime your soul tells you something is wrong with that person you better believe it is. He lived a “double life” for a whole year.

He finally told me the “truth” about his cheating ways. That the women I thought I was right about majority of the time he was sleeping with them, plus there were at least 10 more that I didn’t know about. I got the same answer again when I got “horny” you were not there. He confessed to everything and I mean everything. He told me that the reson he was cheating because he was looking for something he had all the time.

But he wasn’t the only one living a lie. I had been living a double life too! But mine wasn’t as serious as his was. That doesn’t make it right either, but I felt like at that time I had to compete with him just like he was competing with me. When I found out the real truth it wasn’t easy because I told my B.F.F that now I know the truth I rather had not known because of all the pain and embrassment of knowing. I didn’t eat for a week barely and all I could see in my mind was the sexual acts of what took place.

We since then have sincerly apliogized to one another for the things we have done and we vowed to never cheat again on each other because it nearly tore us apart. Of course, he didn’t really tell me his real pain but I realized his pain because he has a different attitude towards me and he has respect for our relationship now. Were now planning our wedding.

Your probably saying your not even married and exprienced that type of relationship of cheating. But I felt like that was something we had to exprience now to keep from expriencing when were married. And that were bonded through God because that is who we put first in our relationship first. Which we didn’t have him in it before. Our relationship was just like some of the people who responded to this article. See My3Kids and Theresa’s tidbits for examples. We both love each other but at the same time we had to learn to trust one another and I think that is the key to relationships. And learning to communicate. We didn’t communicate with each other we just always assumed something which was a big no-no.

By Shaye

September 11, 2008 11:59 AM | Link to this

Well, I guess it depends on what you want out of your marriage—if it is a financially convenient arrangement, I guess it doesn’t matter. I am madly in love with my husband and want him as my one and only for the rest of my life—I would be devastated if he cheated. That said, everyone screws up sometimes and I would like to think I could forgive him if he slipped one time.

The entire game changes when you start talking about more than once. I have dated a cheater before, and I still regret it. I was a stupid, stupid woman, and I haven’t really forgiven myself for that.

It’s a very personal choice, a nd I don’t think we can really know what we would do until we find ourselves in that situation. i do think that if you are unhappy with your marriage, staying together “for the kids’ sake” is just an excuse to not be inconvenienced. Whoever itw as who said the kids see what’s going on was absolutely right, and if you think yours don’t, you’re only fooling yourself.

But the guys who have posted have one valid point—if you are not putting out, that is probably not going to help him be faithful. Of course, it is probably indicative of deeper issues, too.

By tonya c.

September 11, 2008 12:00 PM | Link to this

K&K’s mom:

That was beautiful. No sugarcoating, just the truth but laid out very nicely. I wish you, your hsband and your family the absolute best.

As to the phrase once a cheater always a cheater: not necessarily so. But the remorse needs to befall the cheater in a way that he or she understands that a repeat could end the life they know forever, and that has to be a consequence that TRULY concerns them.

By Lee

September 11, 2008 12:07 PM | Link to this

The way to find truth is to reverse the question. For every cheating husband, there is a cheating woman. What would she do if the question was reversed?

Women: should you/would you divorce your husband if you cheated on him, even once? Would your pride and your love for your husband make you ‘fess up and live alone forever without his income and support if you couldn’t keep your vows?

Would you keep silent and lie to your spouse to save the marriage?

Before you judge your man, judge yourself. Who then, is owed mercy and forgiveness?

By Been There 2

September 11, 2008 12:08 PM | Link to this

I came from a family where my dad cheated on my mother and I saw what it did to her self esteem even thought they stayed together. She never felt it was safe to assume that he wasn’t cheating, even now that they are in their 70’s she has suspicions. As for me, when my first husband was caught cheating I was devastated but not so much so that I was willing to let it ride. The “other” woman was also pregnant so I just told her that he was hers now and good luck! He was leaving me with a child to raise alone and guess what, she got the same treatment but with 2 kids! He’s on wife # 4 now. But I got to see him get his when wife # 3 cheated on him with her step brother! LOL!

By Sylvia

September 11, 2008 12:09 PM | Link to this

My husband cheated on me for 12 years, i cooked clean and gave him good sex, but he still cheated. I divorced him but he called to say the grass in not greener on the other side. He wants me back.

By nurse&mother

September 11, 2008 12:11 PM | Link to this

To those (men and women) that will put up with infidelity, Have you no self-worth?

Secondly, If a man or woman cheats once, he/she will cheat again.

Thirdly, who could trust their partner after infidelity?? And most importantly, if you don’t have trust in a marriage, you don’t have a marriage!

I don’t care if I had to flip burgers to have food on my table, I would not stay with my husband just out of convenience (or financial stability). I couldn’t look myself in the mirror every day.

I will now read all the posts. I will probably have something else to say after I finish reading them all.

By Jesse's Girl

September 11, 2008 12:13 PM | Link to this

Its not like it takes much to tear me away from the excitement that IS packing my suitcase…but InFlorida…Jerry Springer called. He wants his show back.

By sue

September 11, 2008 12:13 PM | Link to this

Ricecakes,

My husband is too thrifty (that’s a nice way of saying “cheap”) He would never spend money to go visit her. Besides, I would’ve noticed if he went out of town (he doesn’t have the kind of job that requires travel).

She doesn’t travel with her job either, and I doubt that her husband would let her take a private vacation and leave him with a houseful of kids.

By catlady

September 11, 2008 12:17 PM | Link to this

Staying with a man while he continues to cheat (so you can reap financial benefits) sounds like prostitution to me.

By nurse&mother

September 11, 2008 12:20 PM | Link to this

Jesse’s Girl- If the cheating spouse is being neglected in any way, why doesn’t he/she tell the spouse what his/her needs are? IMO, it is the neglected spouse’s duty to speak up if needs are not being met. It’s all about communication. If one never knows that his/her partner is unsatisfied, how can he/she be at fault?

By threedeep

September 11, 2008 12:25 PM | Link to this

What if the wife cheats? In this age of equal opportunity I would kick her out just the same and sue for alimony and child support. I would want to know, what about STD’s et. all. Forgiveness is one thing, trust is another.

By Numbers Guy

September 11, 2008 12:27 PM | Link to this

Thanks, Nurse. You just said what I’ve been thinking while reading all this stuff.

By nurse&mother

September 11, 2008 12:30 PM | Link to this

Alpha dog- I think that it is important to be a postive role model for your children. I do not want to send a message to either my son or my daughter that it is ok to have an affair (and hurt the whole family). I also would not want to send the message to my children that they should just sit there and take the disrespect and lies etc.

By K&K's Mom

September 11, 2008 12:49 PM | Link to this

nurse&mother it is obvious that this has #1 never happened to you (not that you know of) and #2 are not married. Because I really think that unless you have experienced it, you will never ever know what its like and how yu would handle the situation. Maybe you haven’t gotten to my response yet but my # 1 is very important never say never. And also I think that you have to have low self estemm or even be crazy, you have to deal with your situation and determine how to move forward. Would I stay if he did it again, probably not, but once again it depends on the situation.

Sue I commend you for sticking in there. It will be hard whether it was sexual or not, just the thought can make you cringe but see the light at the end of the tunnel and grow from it and like some others said take a look in the mirror also. And don’t let people try to put second thoughts in yur head about him traveling etc… , that’s what triflin single women say, who have no idea what it’s like.

By Peyton Walters

September 11, 2008 1:05 PM | Link to this

We got married 12 years ago. Eleven years ago we found out her first husband was a child molester. It knocked my wife loopy and we have not had sex since. I’ve not strayed, but I’m thinking about it. Ever heard of ashley madison? Well, I just met her and may sign up just to get laid. Men die early without sex. If that makes me a dog, oh well.

By Jesse's Girl

September 11, 2008 1:08 PM | Link to this

Man…I am so addicted to you people. I’m never going to get packed:)

Nurse…once a marriage gets to the point that an affair seems like a good idea, the communication has already hit a fork in the road. My BF’s husband said that once they got to the place where they weren’t really talking and if they did it was always about kids…that it became easier for him to open up to the other woman. He didn’t feel as if coming to his wife and being vulnerable would have been met with much acceptance. But my BF felt the same way. Of course communication is the ultimate answer. But when a marriage is having problems…its up to BOTH spouses to talk it over. Most affairs don’t happen on a whim…they are worked up to. Which is why I would never have one. I am entirely too lazy to invest that kind of energy in someone I don’t share a life insurance policy with:)

By hotlanta

September 11, 2008 1:08 PM | Link to this

I wonder why the ex-Mayor of Detroit wife is still with him. She looked like a fool resting her hand on his shoulders lovingly. I said to myself, please stop the madness. I was listening to Kathy Griffith talking about purity rings. She was going on and on how she thought it was a great idea.I was thinking to myself was your husband Frank wearing a PURITY RING when he was in the hotel with the prostitute. K&K’s mom a lot of us single women are not trifling we are not STUPID like some marrried women who stay with men who constantly cheat on them. I don’t blame those men I will marry your low-self esteemed/wanna be married at all cost/trifling behind also. Some of yall married women need to have the CDC truck in yur driveway getting tested. A lot of us are HAPPILY/SINGLE because we are not MISERABLE/MARRIED to men who constantly disrespect us.

By hotlanta

September 11, 2008 1:08 PM | Link to this

I wonder why the ex-Mayor of Detroit wife is still with him. She looked like a fool resting her hand on his shoulders lovingly. I said to myself, please stop the madness. I was listening to Kathy Griffith talking about purity rings. She was going on and on how she thought it was a great idea.I was thinking to myself was your husband Frank wearing a PURITY RING when he was in the hotel with the prostitute. K&K’s mom a lot of us single women are not trifling we are not STUPID like some marrried women who stay with men who constantly cheat on them. I don’t blame those men I will marry your low-self esteemed/wanna be married at all cost/trifling behind also. Some of yall married women need to have the CDC truck in yur driveway getting tested. A lot of us are HAPPILY/SINGLE because we are not MISERABLE/MARRIED to men who constantly disrespect us.

By BamaMama

September 11, 2008 1:10 PM | Link to this

If he needs another woman, why does he want to be with me? Once a cheater, always a cheater, as far as I am concerned. It doesn’t matter why to me, if he is cheating it’s because that is where he wants to be and I am fine with that, just let me know when you change your mind. I think people should be happy and if that means I am not making you happy, here are your divorce papers. I know a lot of women who are not brave like me, I know women who are married but only show a united front for the sake of the children. I refuse to live a lie. Yes I am single but I’d rather be single than have the spine of a jellyfish.

By ForReal

September 11, 2008 1:11 PM | Link to this

My god…I can’t believe how accepted cheating is on this blog. If you are single, that’s a different story. If you are married, you made a lifelong commitment to that person. It just shows that marriage in this country is a joke. You cheaters out there that disrespect the sanctity of marriage are probably the same people who think that homosexuals who love eachother shouldn’t be allowed to marry. If my husband cheated on me, he better get ready for all hell to break loose. He could only hope for me to divorce him! I’d rather make his life a living hell. Cheating once is enough. There is no going back…period. It would always be in the back of my mind, that’s just something you can’t forget.

By BamaMama

September 11, 2008 1:17 PM | Link to this

hotlanta Did you see Mrs. Kwame Kilpatrick’s face, she looked liked she had won the grand prize, a cheating old fart.

Did you notice how his mistress looked, like her spirit was dead.

The wifey however, I have no sympathy for her, some prize.

By Smart Ace

September 11, 2008 1:20 PM | Link to this

Maybe we should ask Hillary Clinton this question???

By TX Born

September 11, 2008 1:24 PM | Link to this

This is my family history. My father did it, my ex did it and my son-in-law did it. My parents divorced and she has stayed bitter for 40 years even though she has been remarried for 37 years. I didn’t find out until after we divorced that he even cheated with my sister. It has taken me almost 10 years to work through what did he do wrong, what did I do wrong. I am now still single and very happy. No regrets, no hard feeling (except toward the sister). My daughter is handling things her way and she is so strong. She wants to work it out with him but if it doesn’t she is willing to go on with her life. A lot of hurt but not much bitterness.I think they will make it (there are no children involved). It just boggles my mind as to how a person can say in one moment they love you and the next they are destroying you. Cheating goes with selfish. Can’t love anyone but yourself.

By BamaMama

September 11, 2008 1:28 PM | Link to this

It is hard to understand what a man really wants you for, it could be sex, money, position, yes position. I know I am a prize and that their are men who would spoil that prize if I would let them. My first husband married me to “take that silver spoon out of my mouth.” I thought he genuinely loved me but when the handwriting was on the wall I didn’t stick around. My only regret was that it did not last 10 years, the time you have to be married to collect his social security. I divorced just as much for our daughter, she needs to be a strong woman and understand you don’t have to stay with a fool, what kind of fool he may be. Number two was selfish, and attempted to take me for granted, can you believe that? He only wanted sex, sex and sex. He didn’t love me either, just the coochie. Thing is none of this really bothers me or has ruined me, I will find the right one or I won’t, in the meantime, I am living the blessed and best life anyway.

By JJ

September 11, 2008 1:28 PM | Link to this

I would rather be healthy alone, than sick in a relationship.

I see too many women sticking around for the kids/wrong reasons. I think that a woman who knows her husband is cheating and stays with him because of very low self esteen, and that’s why women stay with a cheater.

That and the fact they are too scared to be alone. I know a friend of mine ALLOWS her boyfriend to walk all over her, and treat her like crap, only because she is afraid he will leave her and she will be all alone.

No thank you. I’d rather be alone.

By Just me

September 11, 2008 1:28 PM | Link to this

You know what “gets” me here. Most of the posts I have read that were written by men appear to point the finger at women. Maybe if we gave it up more often. Maybe if we tried to be sexier and gave it up more often. Guys, what are you doing? Just curious. Personally, I work all day, take care of kids at night (little to no help), pay all the bills, make most of the money AND get criticized for not being a screaming, nympho in the bedroom. Is that what guys want? Ridiculous! And verging on abusive in my book. How about you guys give a little more (or alot more) and then you will get more. Or is that too much to handle. Better to whine and then cheat and justify by pointing the finger at us. Applause….applause.

By snglemomof2

September 11, 2008 1:33 PM | Link to this

JJ..you are my girl I feel like we are sisters. I understand exactly what you are saying. I too am bringing home the bacon (turkey bacon) frying it up in the pan, that is the pan in my house that I bought and the one that I raised my kids in. It is better to be alone and at peace that to put up with less than you deserve. On another note, What alot of us fail to realize is that if he is sleeping around, then he could come home with anything and I do mean anything. Somethings you can’t get rid of like kids outside of the marriage and baby momma drama. Not to mention an STD. Now you may be able to forgive him for cheating but would you be able to forgive him if he gave you something that could kill you! I Don’t mean to get to deep, but its just not worth it.

By My Reality

September 11, 2008 1:43 PM | Link to this

Maybe if you men were more interested in what “turns us on” and a little less interested in “how much you are getting”, then cheating might be less prevalent. Because quite frankly, I think women get tired of sex being all about you guys and finally just start to get over it.

By Active Duty Mom

September 11, 2008 1:46 PM | Link to this

Teresa: Save your $$ and wait for the re-make on Netflix. I’m sure that the re-make will not be as good as the original, which was unique in the fact that there were no men in the original film. Even the animals in the film were female!

That being said, when my husband and I were thinking about marriage 10 years ago, I told him right off the bat that the only deal-breakers were the 3 As: Addiction, Abuse, and Adultery. If he started drinking heavily or using drugs, it was over. Having grown up with an alcoholic stepfather, I was NOT going to put myself or my children through that! If he ever belittled me or hit me, I told him right of the bat that I could and would kick his tail until hell wouldn’t have it. He’s seen me before in self-defense classes and knows that for a fact. As for adultery, I told him that if he felt I wasn’t enough for him, I was not a second chance sloppy seconds kind of gal and besides that, he wouldn’t live long enough to find out what life after divorce would be like, since my family would kill him first and I’d finish the job. Granted, my mom was horrified at my telling him this, but I told her that if he was afraid of my speaking my mind before we got married, how would he respect me after we got married. Not to mention the fact that if he didn’t like a woman who spoke her mind, he wasn’t worth my time and certainly would NOT be the father of my children! By the way, I asked him what his deal-breakers were as well and they were the same 3 As. Us talking about this right off the bat (especially since his parents divorced due to his father’s infidelity) and also having a good prenuptial agreement in place has worked for us! Being an RD who works with people living with HIV/AIDS, anyone who puts up with a spouse who cheats is like playing Russian roulette. I cannot tell you how many husbands and wives and children I have seen in clinic who have found out they were HIV positive when their respective spouses or mommy or daddy started showing symptoms and were receiving treatment.

By Stacey

September 11, 2008 1:46 PM | Link to this

K&K’s Mom…I had typed pretty much what you said in your second paragraph but for some reason it didn’t post.

Several years ago my husband had an affair with his coworker (who I knew well) that last a few months. I suspected it from the beginning but he denied it. He finally came clean after I stumbled upon a receipts proving that he had been lying. By then the affair had been over for months.

After several months of cussing, fussing, praying and counseling, I forgave him. At the time he gave me a million different reasons why it was my fault but he now admits that was more about his self esteem than anything I did or didn’t do. It’s been twelve years yet sometimes I think about it and it still hurts. As far as I know it has never happened again but as others have said, for years I thought anytime he was 5 minutes late that he was with another woman.

By Elizabeth

September 11, 2008 1:47 PM | Link to this

I’d like to think that if my husband cheated, I’d divorce him, plain and simple. We have no children and I make enough $ to support myself. BUT…I’m really not sure if I could go through with it. However, I do think that it would lead to divorce eventually, most likely, b/c it would be a LONG time before I could get past it and even lay a finger on him. I know myself well enough that forgive and forget would be a long time coming and I’d be a b*h in a serious way!Not sure he would even want to stay married, lol

If we did have kids…well I don’t know what I would do. Honestly, I think it would matter whether it was a long-time affair with emotions involved, or just a one night stand.

On the flip side, I firmly believe that if I cheated on my husband, he’d turn his back on me and never think twice. He’s just that type.

By ricecakes

September 11, 2008 1:47 PM | Link to this

TO: Sue…First off let me say that I am married and have been for 7 years. My husband and I have had and are still having our issues…cheating hasn’t been one of them or any issue that might have lead to such. Nevertheless, don’t get me wrong…I don’t wish your husband to have cheated on you. It was simply my opinion on the “falling in love” part and the possibilities. I’m a former investigator and just know of and have seen the unbelievable and lengths people go to, to be together. So, I wish you the best and I hope you and your husband grow old together, happily.

By Katie

September 11, 2008 1:50 PM | Link to this

Wow, it was a pleasure to read so many comments making so many good points but still being nice and respectful! Is everyone always so civil over here?

Anyway, I have a different wrinkle. It has to do with how to define “cheating”. My husband is a sex addict…yes, the David Duchovny thing. Anyway, he’s never had a physical affair, but he’s been in chat rooms and had one on-line relationship that became very emotionally invested. Is it cheating? Feels like it. Is it as bad as an actual affair? Don’t know. Would it have been cheating if it was just looking at porn?

I guess what that experience and these comments go to show is that we all have our own bottom line. You have to find yours and live with it, and support friends or relatives going through it even if their decisions aren’t the ones you would make yourself if you were in the same situation.

By BamaMama

September 11, 2008 1:52 PM | Link to this

we know a woman who is always asking of our men friends/husbands and she doesn’t mind spreading the love around. Several men in our town have been intimate with her, caught in the act and responsible for the marital trouble of others. We call her the “I don’t care girl.” Some in our group are terrified of her, husbands with wanderiing eyes, and maybe would like a ride on the wild side. I am not scared of her, if she can take my man, he is not the one for me. If it wasn’t for her we wouldn’t have anything to talk about. My Mom says it reminds her of one of her classmates, Mattie, another “I don’t care girl.” Ms. Mattie never married but supposedly went with all the men in town. She died lonely and poor, those cheating men got old and looked forwarded to spending their old age with their wives who had their names and would one day inherit it all if they out lived the buzzards. What did all of Mattie’s generosity get her, a worn out body, sickness, while she looked hot in the beginning, at their 25th class reunion she looked liked she was 65 years old and the men who had been with her ran from sight of her.

By divorced

September 11, 2008 1:57 PM | Link to this

My marriage ended in divorce. And I tried for 2 years to hold the marriage together. We went to counseling, but he NEVER acknowledged the affair. (with coworker who lives with him now) Even when I presented him with proof (including his match.com online dating profile listing him as SINGLE with NO children.)he denied the affair.

And YES it devistated me financially. And YES it made my daughter, who was 2 at the time, an emotional basket case. She still has terrible emotional issues. I felt like I had no choice, I never wanted to divorce him. I love him dearly, but he was sick. And of course, the other woman was not attractive. That really hurt.

I had one choice. I had to ask myself how are you going to raise your daughter? Should she know her dad is a cheater? Should she think that is appropriate behavior in relationships?

Oh, and after being divorced for 5 years and as I was just beginning a new relationship I, who had never had a bad papsmear, discovered I had HPV. Wonder where I got that? One quick test determined where…him.

If you’re a woman and you think your husband is cheating. Do NOT miss your annual checkups. If you’re the other woman, do NOT miss your annual checkups. I had NO symptoms. So, before I even see 40 years old, my exhusband took alot away from me. I lost my home, my friends, my womanhood and almost my life. And still, my heart hurts that he couldn’t just stop.

Cheating is WRONG and hurts EVERYONE. If you think you’re not hurting anyone, the person you are hurting is yourself.

By Cake Eater ....

September 11, 2008 1:57 PM | Link to this

The topic ‘Must I Leave my Husband if I am Cheating?’, would be much more fun to discuss … particularly if it involves poolboys, neighbors, or your children’s swim coach(es)!

By Becky

September 11, 2008 2:03 PM | Link to this

I don’t think that men cheat more, it’s just that women are more apt to grumble about it to their girlfriends.. My ex cheated on me probably 5-6 years of the 10 that we were together, then after we divorced he called me for 2 years wanting me to remarry him..We’ve been divorced 14 years now & anytime that I see any of his friends, they still tell me that he wants me back..

So to all of you who are dealing with a cheating spouse, you’ll know when the right time is to dump them..No one can tell you what to do..People can give you advice, but do what’s in your heart..

By Heeled-out-MOM

September 11, 2008 2:15 PM | Link to this

divorced - I am very sorry that this happened to you!

Your story is the single most important reason why marriage/unity/trust that become cheating and affairs is so SERIOUS! We gotta stop thinking that this will not happen to us. People (men/women), if you are going to cheat be smart and protect yourself/the family! Go get tested, continue to get tested and when/if there is a divorce BE HONEST abut what the eff you was doing and with whom!!!

Yea, divorced you ex has some screws missing.

By Jane

September 11, 2008 2:18 PM | Link to this

Right after the birth of our son, my husband had a brief indescretion - I was home showing off the new baby to the grandparents at the time it happened. Devistated does not cover it; I found out in a letter he wrote telling me all about it and asking me to forgive him. I did go back you see we were living out of the country at that time and I had come for a one mnoth visit stateside after our son was born. When I got back and we could talk I told him that I understood but if it ever happened again I would take the baby and disappear and he would never see us again. We have now been married 31 years - I have not forgotten but I forgave. He never cheated again either.

By GA Girl

September 11, 2008 2:19 PM | Link to this

To All Single Girls in Alpharetta, etc Alan Walker age 51-55 is married and he keeps 3-4 girlfriends at a time. You will never be the only one.

By Katie

September 11, 2008 2:24 PM | Link to this

LOL GA Girl…should we start some sort of registry?

By Lauren

September 11, 2008 2:27 PM | Link to this

Men and women cheat in almost equal numbers (men slightly more). I think a lot of this depends on the individual circumstances. If a person had one slip and was truly sorry and it was something that was out of character for a normally good person and a good marriage then I think the marriage is worth saving and the person should be forgiven. I realize this is easier said than done but it can and should be done in such cases. If a person has a long-term affair, is a habitual cheater or if the marriage has lots of other serious problems then it may be worth ending it. I myself have a wonderful marriage. It is not perfect and my husband and I have been through some tough times that almost broke us up. None of our problems have involved cheating but I know we are not immune and it could happen someday. If my man was truly sorry and did it only once I would be heartbroken but I would forgive him. I would not throw away 20 years together and take my children away from their daddy for just one mistake. I don’t think I would ever cheat but if I did I hope my husband would have the same attitude. I think he would.

By Cake Eater ...

September 11, 2008 2:29 PM | Link to this

Way to go, GA Girl! Now things might get a little more interesting.

Let’s out all the cheaters we know!!

By socalledhomewrecker

September 11, 2008 2:30 PM | Link to this

I do not believe once a cheater always a cheater. Yes there are scumbags out there that will do it over and over just because they can but I firmly believe that it has a lot to do with what they aren’t getting from a spouse at home. Not just sex, but friendship, the feeling that your significant other is truly on your side. Not showing appreciation for things, taking for granted that they are stuck with you. No one is stuck and if they stumble upon someone that makes up for all their spouse lacks, then it might be very hard to not jump at the oppotunity. And you never know they might cheat and find the love of their life..I should know. It happened to me. It’s easy to throw stones but until you are faced with a certain situation don’t ever think that it can’t happen to you. As far as a marriage surviving an affair, I do believe it is possible.I have seen it happen with couples I know and they do seem happy today.

By Flava

September 11, 2008 2:30 PM | Link to this

Some of you need to polish off the Smith and Wesson and start rehearsing your 911 calls.

By Elizabeth

September 11, 2008 2:37 PM | Link to this

I think women cheat just as often as men. I just think that they’re better at hiding it.

Case in point: A female friend of mine had a brief affair with an old college friend that she reconnected with online. (The birthplace of many affairs, I believe) Before it happened, she was happy in her marriage. She said she just “sparked” with this man, and a coffee meeting (her husband knew about this) turned into flirty emails, lunchtime phone calls, then dinner (her hus. did NOT know about) etc. I think she just got carried away in the attention. Some people can’t handle the monotony of monogamy I suppose. After a few weeks, she came to her senses and broke it off. Her husband never suspected a thing or ever questioned her. Men are much less suspicious than women when it comes to these things, imho.

By HmmmGoodIdea

September 11, 2008 2:38 PM | Link to this

Katie…I like the registry idea. All right ladies, give a shoutout to all the men who are cheating whether you are cheating with them or know they are cheating. I know I’d want to know if my husband was. Let’s see…I know of one…Thomas Graves.

By Happily Divorced

September 11, 2008 2:42 PM | Link to this

I feel some marriages can survive infidelity. In some cases, it brings the 2 closer again. Do you need to divorce after the first tryst, maybe not. After the second HELL YEAH! A man will only do what you allow him to do. I am so happy that I got out of my 12.5 years of marriage. I didn’t leave due to cheating, I left because he was an azz!

By K&K's Mom

September 11, 2008 2:46 PM | Link to this

socalledhomewrecker are you saying that you stole someones husband?

If so, maybe you haven’t hear this saying, If that’s how you met him, don’t be surprised when it happens to you..

Can you say triflin? (yes that’s my word of the day)

You should have named your post ” This is how I stole someones husband and father”

By Katie

September 11, 2008 2:50 PM | Link to this

socalledhomewrecker…My belief is that you have a responsibility to the person to whom you made a commitment, and if you feel you aren’t getting what you want at home, you should at least give them a chance to change, or to go into counseling or something so you both get what you need from the marriage, instead of just jumping ship. Shoe being on the other foot, but I know of three women who have left their husbands for this reason, and each and every one of those men would have done whatever they could to try to work it out, had they been given an invitation to do so. Husbands and wives can’t read each others’ minds. If you tell yours you’re not happy, or you want changes, and they tell you to go pound sand, then that’s one thing, but to go looking for it when you can get it from your long time partner if only you had asked, that’s a different story.

By Sassy

September 11, 2008 2:51 PM | Link to this

YES On-line (ahem) relationships are chetaing. There doesn’t have to be a physical relationship to be cheating.

AND NO … a fantasy thought does not count as cheating.

But when hours, days, weeks, months and/or years are spent in pursuite of on-line ‘enjoyment’ … things are not well in the kingdom!

By DCResident

September 11, 2008 2:51 PM | Link to this

Very few species are monogamous. Why shoul dwe expect humans to be. Men cheat because we are physical creatures. I see a woman that is attractive (doesn’t even have to be pretty) and I want to have sex with her. Could be the way she walks. Her body. Her hair.

But that does not mean I love my wife/girlfriend any less. Or that I would leave my wife for this woman.

On the other hand, if your husband has moved into the guest bedroom, you have problems. Serious problems. You better leave before HE LEAVES.

By Sassy

September 11, 2008 2:51 PM | Link to this

YES On-line (ahem) relationships are chetaing. There doesn’t have to be a physical relationship to be cheating.

AND NO … a fantasy thought does not count as cheating.

But when hours, days, weeks, months and/or years are spent in pursuit of on-line ‘enjoyment’ … things are not well in the kingdom!

By azz

September 11, 2008 2:51 PM | Link to this

Whoa - I am glad my wife has not left me - I have not cheated but I am truly an azz - not necessarily meaning to be one, I just can’t help it! Fortunately, I have my good moments, too!

By ricecakes

September 11, 2008 2:56 PM | Link to this

TO: Socalledhomewrecker …what goes around, comes around. You can count on that!

By socalledhomewrecker

September 11, 2008 3:03 PM | Link to this

How do your really steal someones husband? Think about that. You don’t my dear. And like I said, I do not believe in once a cheater always a cheater. Me and my man both know that neither one of us will ever cheat. We get what we both WANT AND NEED from each other. Like I said, don’t throw stones..you just might have the same kind of thing happend to you one day.

By Fred

September 11, 2008 3:09 PM | Link to this

The question remains, what about a sexless marriage with small children? Do you leave the wife and the kids? Do you put up with it for 18-20 years (that’s at least 6,570 nights without physical intimacy for those of you keeping tabs)? Everybody says “you have to work at it”. But, what if you do and yoru wife just isn’t really interested? If you leave, the children grow up without a father around. Sex for men isn’t just about having an orgasm. It’s about feeling wanted and needed beyond your ability to bring home a paycheck. For a man, a good percentage of your self worth and self image is tied up with the degree to which you are attractive to women (whether for looks or personality it doesnt matter. An ugly guy can be funny as hell and women may still find him attractive). But, when your wife doesn’t care and isn’t interested, it hurts and the best way to relieve that hurt may be to look elsewhere. So, yes, sometimes it is the woman’s fault. So, what do you expect the husband to do?

By Disgusted

September 11, 2008 3:10 PM | Link to this

To Sounds Like Me: Get a grip. You need to find the self esteem to make a life for yourself without a jerk who treats you like a doormat. I’m not saying it’s easy, life is rarely easy. How can anyone respect you if you don’t respect yourself. Kick his sorry butt out and carry on with life. Your kids will be better off in the long run.

By Fred

September 11, 2008 3:11 PM | Link to this

And, before anybody flames me for being a cheater, I’m not. I merely point out and empathize with the position of those who do.

By ricecakes

September 11, 2008 3:12 PM | Link to this

Socalledhomewrecker …you are definitely in denial. Do you really think that “your man, NOW” who was once married and cheated with you on his wife will never cheat on you? You’ve got to be kidding me! If you believe that I want to sell you a mansion I just built in the 9th Ward in New Orleans, okay. LOL, LOL!

By socalledhomewrecker

September 11, 2008 3:16 PM | Link to this

TO:ricecakes Say what you want. It will NEVER happen. No if, ands or buts about it. YOU can count on that! I keep my man happy and he keeps me happy in countless ways. Besides we are years in and if anything we have fallen more in love with each other. We appreciate this awesome thing that we have.

By suspicious

September 11, 2008 3:17 PM | Link to this

I am tempted to post the name of the woman that my husband may have had an affair with. He denies it, but I found some emails that were suspicious. I know he did, but I can’t prove it. I hate both of them. How can I catch them?

By ricecakes

September 11, 2008 3:28 PM | Link to this

FRED…Ever heard the phrase “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”. A woman or a man can say the same thing to two people and each person will interpret it differently. I say that to say…you might need to seek counseling because you may not be able to fix whatever issue(s) you and/or your wife may have. Also, there’s no better counselor than GOD! Take your wife by the hand (when the children are asleep) and go to a quiet area of the house and you both kneel down and pray. Ask God to heal your hearts and bless your marriage. One other word of wisdom “we will never see the changes we want to see in our spouse until we search our own hearts and change what is not right about ourselves”. You can take that to the bank. Stop pointing fingers at your wife and look at yourself. I’m just sayin…

By HmmmGoodIdea

September 11, 2008 3:32 PM | Link to this

SUSPICIOUS…get it off your chest woman! What’s her name?

By HmmmGoodIdea

September 11, 2008 3:33 PM | Link to this

SUSPICIOUS…get it off your chest woman! What’s her name? Hire me, I’ll get you proof.

By GA Girl

September 11, 2008 3:35 PM | Link to this

Suspicious print her name and let everyone know what a dog she is. These men need to stop. My good friend knows her husband Alan Walker cheats all the time and I just want to slap her.I see him weekly with a different girl not woman but it is no use telling her. Their kids are grown, so that is no excuse with her.

By ricecakes

September 11, 2008 3:39 PM | Link to this

Socalledhomewrecker …You know what? I can feel the fear you have in the words you write. You are very defensive and for good reason. “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID WAS DEAD WRONG”! You desperately want to believe he won’t cheat on you. One thing I do know…God does not bless adulterers or women who sleep with married men. So now you just keep on believing, okay.

By JJ

September 11, 2008 3:45 PM | Link to this

Got a question for you married cheaters.

The day you married your spouse, you stood up in front of your family, friends, and your god, and you recited your vows, which I believe included “Foresaking all others”, sickness & health, etc.

You LIED. Why did you break this committment? Why did you marry in the first place?

How do you feel when you cheat? Does anything go through your mind, like what is this doing to my family? What about my kids? Is this the way I want to live?

What goes through the mind of a cheater? men, does it make you more manly? Do your friends “high five” you? Aren’t you racked with guilt? Doesn’t that guilt eat away at you? Do you have no conscience? Do you have any idea the pain you are causing?

By socalledhomewrecker

September 11, 2008 3:51 PM | Link to this

Ricecakes sure has all the answers for everyone huh? Honey I have not one ounce of fear and Im sure not going into religion with you. You just worry about keeping your husband happy so that someone like my horrible self doesn’t steal him. Preaching ain’t your thing either babe. You have no idea what I am blessed with.

By AmazonRed

September 11, 2008 3:55 PM | Link to this

To the married folks on the board, how much access do you have to your spouses personal things? Are you guys open enough to share email passwords and leave cell phones lying around. Can you access all online accounts?

Just curious.

By beenThere

September 11, 2008 4:01 PM | Link to this

When you do cheat you are just free, no guilt.

Sorry, had to be said.

It feels like back when you were single. (for a while only though).

‘nuff said.

By AmazonRed

September 11, 2008 4:01 PM | Link to this

JJ -

Question for you. Were you wife #3 for your husband? Did you really stand there on your wedding day and think your outcome would be different?

Just wanted to know if the signs were there. All of my divorced friends had an “inkling” from day 1.

By K&K's Mom

September 11, 2008 4:07 PM | Link to this

Amen Ricecakes @ 3:39 p.m.

socalledhomewrecker you can gang up on ricecakes because she has never been through it, but what do you say to those us who could have been the wife of the stolen husband?

By Video dude.

September 11, 2008 4:14 PM | Link to this

What goes through the mind of a cheater? men, does it make you more manly?

Men, eh? I’m a wedding videographer,have been for twenty years. I can tell you most of the divorces of the people whose weddings I have taped,it has been the women who has done the cheating.It’s not just a man thing.

By Monogamist

September 11, 2008 4:17 PM | Link to this

If men were allowed too marry more than one wife, we won’t be having this conversation at all. Men are predisposed to having more than one woman. Families have thrived in many cultures that allow monogamy except in the Western world that women suddenly became controlling and manipulative in wanting to posses a man and thus calling it cheating. This in turn churns out suffering among children…

By nurse&mother

September 11, 2008 4:17 PM | Link to this

@Mike D- What makes you think that every woman that has been cheated on has let herself go?

I bet you used that same excuse on your wife.

By socalledhomewrecker

September 11, 2008 4:21 PM | Link to this

Do your job and keep your husband happy. Don’t turn him down because your too tired or your head hurts.You might enjoy it yourself if you would relax and jump in. Support him in all he does. Be someone that he enjoys being around. Quit complaining about everything. Care about yourself and what you look like. Be his biggest fan.Did you do all of those things?

By Leggs

September 11, 2008 4:22 PM | Link to this

**What goes through the mind of a cheater? Not much, just making his deposit.

does it make you more manly? For some it sure does.

**Do your friends “high five” you? Only if they’re under 25.

64,000 Question: Aren’t you racked with guilt? NADA. Finishing do their do and go home lying as if nothing happen. Instead of feeling guilty laying back with hands behind their heads watching the game “remembering.”

By nurse&mother

September 11, 2008 4:27 PM | Link to this

@ KK First of all I am married and have been for almost 14 years (Dec). AND I never said it could not happen to me. Try rereading my posts (closely).

Have a good day.

By Mike D

September 11, 2008 4:28 PM | Link to this

No nurse&mother, I just tell her she needs to spend a little less time at the table and more time at the gym. I negotiated this before we got married.

By nurse&mother

September 11, 2008 4:36 PM | Link to this

Oh KK I think you have it backwards. If I had self-esteem issues I would stay with a cheating spouse. Maybe you should not have dropped out of high school. The person that has low self-esteem issues is anyone that would stay with a cheating spouse. Why would someone with a low self-esteem leave a cheating spouse. If a person truly had low self-esteem, he/she would think that he/she could not function without the other person. A self-reliant person can stand on her/his own two feet without the assistance of anyone else.

I love my husband dearly, but would not continue a relationship with him if he cheated. When he and I were dating, I told him that there were only a few reasons why I would ever get a divorce (infidelity, or physical/emotional abuse). Most other problems, I am willing to work through.

By MomsRule

September 11, 2008 4:38 PM | Link to this

I’ve known several men who stated, “as long as they were a certain radius away from “home” (say 50 miles) it wasn’t cheating.”

I wanted to smack them.

I also have a cousin whose husband cheated for years. She busted him the first time…and then after that he just came home and told her about each and every one. That was their agreement, he had to tell her so she didn’t find out from other people.

It took her several years (and another man) to get up the courage to walk away from this piece of garbage. He was emotionally abusive and had her convinced that “the kids ruined her” and “no other man would have her.”

By nurse&mother

September 11, 2008 4:40 PM | Link to this

Fred do you ever talk to your wife about this? If not, then how is she to know? If you don’t tell her how you feel, then I don’t blame her for your affair. I blame you. Now if you tell her how you feel and she still doesn’t listen, then get a divorce.

By Dirty Rotten Scoundrel

September 11, 2008 4:43 PM | Link to this

When I was single and in my 20’s, I use to like to date married women. They were a lot of fun in the sack. I actually fathered 2 children with one lady, so I got the bennefit of having kids and letting another man (who doesn’t know) take care of them.

God I miss those days.

By The Basic Truth

September 11, 2008 4:44 PM | Link to this

Girls, girls, girls.

It’s just sex? What’s the problem?

Just remember that a man cannot cheat without the participation of another woman (unless of course he is gay and then you don’t want him anyhow).

Women who cheat with married men are a BIG part of the problem. And there are a lot of them out there who will and who want YOUR man. So give him up when he gives in to his desires.

Also remember that for MOST men, if they are receiving enough love and attention at home, they won’t go looking for it somewhere else because they might lose what they are getting at home.

So blame yourselves girls if your man strays. If you keep the home fires burning he won’t be looking for a little campfire somewhere else.

It is pretty much a reflection on how good of a marriage partner you have been if he does go outside the marriage for what he needs.

By nurse&mother

September 11, 2008 4:46 PM | Link to this

I am very surprised at all the gullible people that say that they forgave their cheating husbands and that it never happened again. Don’t you think that the cheater is just hiding the affair a little better?

By Magenta

September 11, 2008 4:48 PM | Link to this

I remember a couple some years ago that seemed completely mismatched. Everyone was waiting for the marriage to go under, but they kept on. Then, out of nowhere it seemed, they split. I found out later that one spouse “got religion” and confessed a brief affair that had happened years before. Somehow that just burst the bubble they were in. The other spouse realized they’d been staying together out of habit or fear or something, and that this was as good a time as any to split. The cheater realized that it would have been better to keep it a secret. That radio “doctor” said much the same thing as I recall.

By women are dogs too

September 11, 2008 4:54 PM | Link to this

women just do a better job at hiding their infidelities.

By been there done that

September 11, 2008 5:03 PM | Link to this

What a hoot. I just read the link: How To Tell If Your Guy’s Cheating.

Number 4 is Nothing Fazes Him Anymore.

It basically says that if your husband suddenly starts acting relaxed and happy because his needs are now being met, then that is a tipoff that he is cheating.

Well ladies, if you are not making your husbands feel like that then there are plenty of women out there without husbands that will be happy to do it for him.

Don’t blame him. Blame yourselves.

And I love the women who say if he cheats then he will pay via diivorce. If you are counting on fear to keep him then you are not a good enough wife and partner to deserve him.

He is better off without you.

By Kate

September 11, 2008 5:12 PM | Link to this

If it happened right now (while there are no kids involved) then I’d divorce him in a heartbeat, even if he’d only cheated once.

If it was later and there were kids involved and it was only once then I would try and make it work with him. If it happened repeatedly even with kids I’d divorce him.

By Beautiful

September 11, 2008 5:20 PM | Link to this

i regret on some days leaving my ex because i love him so much. but he will never change. he tells me he still loves me while married to the chick he cheated with. smdh!

By DB

September 11, 2008 5:34 PM | Link to this

I think it also has something to do with the caliber of man that you marry, and his sense of honor. I can sit here and say, with 100% certainty, that my husband has never cheated on me, just like I know I have never cheated on him. Life is crazy enough without worrying about that basic building block of your relationship.

By Melinda

September 11, 2008 5:42 PM | Link to this

All I can say is if your husband cheats - you will never get rid of the anger until you GET EVEN.. Do the same thing and make sure he knows all about it. Details… That puts you on an even playing ground. My husband knows what he will get if he cheats on me. I would sleep with his best friend to get even. No question about it…

By Beautiful

September 11, 2008 5:49 PM | Link to this

DB i agree. you shouldn’t think about your SO cheating unless he gives you reasons to think otherwise. example, i asked my ex for his cell phone. when he hesitated, it was on till the break of dawn!!!

By KJ

September 11, 2008 5:55 PM | Link to this

I’ve known several men who stated, “as long as they were a certain radius away from “home” (say 50 miles) it wasn’t cheating.”

You mean, kind of like the retarded women who have “standards” at home, but then go on vacation and skank it up? Such irrationality isn’t limited to men.

Also, LOL at people who think men cheat to feel “manly”. Men cheat because they want something different, deserved or not.

And I’ve been offered sex from 2 married women, one of whose husband is in Iraq. So, hate to burst the bubble of the Oprahites, but women are apparently catching up pretty fast in the infidelity game.

By stupidcheater

September 11, 2008 6:08 PM | Link to this

I can’t speak for all that have cheated - just me. I did it a couple of times with a woman even more stupid than me. The stupidity ended. I didn’t tell my wife about it (huge freakin’ mistake). She got told 3 yrs after the fact by an outside busybody - long story short - it’s been 2.5 years since and we are working very hard but are still married. My wife would tell you that she never would’ve taken me back after this - but I think that she has seen that I’m truly sorry about it and I desperately wish it had never happened. It has definitely ruined certain things in our lives. If I had to put a number on it, I’d say that she only trusts me about at a 70% level. I think that she truly wants to be at 100% - but I’ve ruined that forever and I know it now. She also says that it would have been much better had she found out about it from me instead of the way she found out.

To those that say “once a cheater…”, I couldn’t disagree with you more. I can honestly say that I would never do it again. Nothing good ever comes from doing something bad.

I can say that we’ve been to some counseling and have found out a few things about each other and we seem to be a lot stronger and better in spite of it.

She has every right to leave (even Biblically backed - if so inclined). We have good days and bad days - but at least we are having them together.

If your spouse is a habitual offender - i think you should leave. I do think they are displaying a lack of respect for you (I can attest).

By Beautiful

September 11, 2008 6:22 PM | Link to this

Deb you have it all wrong sweetie! there’s more to marriage than sex. if he respects you dearly, he’ll never stray.

By allimgoingtosay

September 11, 2008 6:45 PM | Link to this

I believe that society gives the man a bad name also. Women cheat just as much as men, it doesn’t matter the reason, cheating is cheating. Why is it acceptable for a woman to cheat if the man forces her out there, than it is for a man who is forced in the same manner. I will not respond to this because only ladies should be answering this questionnaire.

By nurse&mother

September 11, 2008 6:51 PM | Link to this

@stupidcheater- I wish you and your wife the best. You seem sincere. Please be patient with your wife after this incident. Just curious, why did you cheat in the first place?

By suspicious

September 11, 2008 7:14 PM | Link to this

*To Hmmmm how would you get proof? I would love to humiliate this woman. Everyone thinks she is so cool. Everytime I see her my blood boils.

By Ever watch Swingtown?

September 11, 2008 7:16 PM | Link to this

What’s with all the cheating? I know some people get a thrill by being “bad”, but that isn’t me.

What I like is to know different people. Is it a lack of desire to be monogamous? I have to say ‘no’. I really just love getting to know new people. Can I get to know people without physical intimacy? Of course, and I do, but if I’d rather not be bound by those rules, then why should I? Why should you?

Just stop cheating and open up your relationship. The most important thing is going home an desiring the one you love most.

Why do humans, such a social creature, believe that we can get all of our physical and emotional needs filled by just one partner? It’s a stupid mentality really. Open your eyes.

By imjstsayin

September 11, 2008 7:24 PM | Link to this

is it me or does anyone else hear the voice of Kathy Bates from the movie Misery when they read mothergooses bizarre posts? I’m just sayin…

By foolforlove

September 11, 2008 7:40 PM | Link to this

A friend of mine found out that her husband had been cheating on her not only during her pregancy, but or 4 yesrs before. She stayed with him and is foolish enough to think he’s faithful, except that a few of us know he still sees the woman. She told me they haven’t had sex since she had the baby, which is a few year ago and she really believes that he isn’t straying. What a fool. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

By Fun to do

September 11, 2008 8:07 PM | Link to this

I once had an affair with a pregnant woman while my wife was pregnant. I kept thinking the entire time that if I could get all of us together, it would be the worlds freekiest threesome.

By Bill

September 12, 2008 7:12 AM | Link to this

I cheated on my wife once, about 30 years ago. She doesn’t know. To this day, I feel guilt about it.

Excuses? No valid excuse. My wife has never liked intimacy, a fact I didn’t know until after we were married. I used that as an excuse for cheating that one time. It didn’t take long for me to admit that it was just that, an excuse, and not an acceptable reason.

We’re still married and on our 37th year.

By motherjanegoose

September 12, 2008 7:29 AM | Link to this

Theresa, Kathy, New Mom and JJ… would any of you be so kind to explain what imjustsayn at 7:24 p.m. Thursday means?

I rarely go to movies and have never been called bizarre( to my face). I am intelligent enough to know when to excuse myself and leave the blog, if that is necessary. Even though some have reminded me to ignore the turkeys…would this comment qualify?

Thought for Today:

KINDNESS IS THE OIL THAT EASES THE FRICTION OF LIFE

if we rub shoulders with rude folks we will in turn become rude…if we remember our manners and spread kindness then we might retain kindness. Remember the old saying “one rotten apple spoils the whole bunch?” Can’t wait to see who I am compared to now….

Off to the airport….

By hotlanta

September 12, 2008 7:53 AM | Link to this

Morning folks. I was listening to Oprah yesterday and some fool wrote a book how to AFFAIRPROOF your marriage. It will be a best seller because just like that thought the Titanic was “UNSINKABLE” they think the same thing about marriage. My daughter was telling me last night that Essence magazine is talking bout the same thing and they were highlighting a couple who had been married for over 60 years. Grandma went blind and they were trying to find the cause of it and guess what grandpa gave her sphyllis. In their 80’s and I bet folks were bragging that they have been MARRIED 60 years and admiring them to the bone. Pitiful.

By hotlanta

September 12, 2008 7:53 AM | Link to this

Morning folks. I was listening to Oprah yesterday and some fool wrote a book how to AFFAIRPROOF your marriage. It will be a best seller because just like that thought the Titanic was “UNSINKABLE” they think the same thing about marriage. My daughter was telling me last night that Essence magazine is talking bout the same thing and they were highlighting a couple who had been married for over 60 years. Grandma went blind and they were trying to find the cause of it and guess what grandpa gave her sphyllis. In their 80’s and I bet folks were bragging that they have been MARRIED 60 years and admiring them to the bone. Pitiful.

By Kathy

September 12, 2008 8:30 AM | Link to this

motherjanegoose……I have no idea what imjustsayin is talking about. Kathy Bates’ character in the movie was a crazy, but since I know you personally, I can say you are not crazy.

I watched the Oprah show yesterday and I thought it was very insightful. Gary Neuman has written a book called The Truth About Cheating. It is advice for couples who are experiencing a cheating husband, but it is also a guide for women to head off an affair. Neuman conducted a study about men who cheat (Oprah was very clear to say that the show was focusing on MEN and that the women cheaters were for another show). Here are some things that were discussed: *The majority of men cheat because they are lonely in their marriage. *Most of the time it is not about sex….men are attracted to someone that admires them and appreciates them. *The women that the men usually find are not prettier than their wives (he was trying to dispel the myth that men want someone prettier/thinner/sexier than their wives). *We tend to think that men are not emotional beings. Neuman says that men are, they just show it differently. For men, sex is one way that they express themselves emotionally. They want to feel close to their wives. *Men love to win. As long as they are winning, they are in the game, so to speak. When they can’t win anymore, they don’t want to play. If a husband can’t do anything right or can’t make his wife happy with anything he does (which equates to not winning), the husband just gives up. *The men he interviewed for his study said that they felt like a piece of furniture in their marriage. That their wives did not appreciate anything that they did. He talked about an example of a guy who tried to be nice to his wife and make breakfast for her. She was upset with him because the toast was burned and did not even appreciate the fact that he made breakfast for her.

I am sure you can read more about this on oprah.com. I thought the show was very interesting and gave me some things to think about in my own marriage. I don’t think that my husband is cheating or would ever cheat on me (I can say this based on our history in previous relationships), but I do tend to forget to show my appreciation to him…..I think I tend to get mired down in the daily goings-on in my life that I forget about his emotional needs.

Sorry to be so long winded. Hope all the regulars have a great day!

By lovin life

September 12, 2008 9:07 AM | Link to this

Hey New Mom Are you out there today. Can you let me know about Pedipeds. I need to order shoes today, and am curious what it is that you as a mom like so much about them. Thanks

By Robin

September 12, 2008 9:28 AM | Link to this

Wow. This is such a hard and difficult choice to have to make. Every marriage is different, and each husband/wife is unique. There is no right answer that serves as a blanket answer for the masses.

In my much younger days, I used to say, “If he cheats, I will just kill him and pay for a great defensive lawyer. I can pay for a defense attny just as well as I can pay for a divorce attny.”. well, of course this was just bluster on my part. My ex did cheat on me (I thinkg - he never admitted it), but that was not the reason I divorced him. So, it just depends on each individual marriage.

With that said, I would like to add that I do not think a husband/wife will cheat only once. No, once they have cheated, they will cheat again. It may be a few years before they cheat again , but they will cheat again.

By DB

September 12, 2008 9:45 AM | Link to this

The saddest/funniest thing I ever heard was the wife of one of my husband’s co-workers, years ago. She was his second wife — formerly his secretary — and they had had to be transferred from the West coast to the East coast because the scandal within the company of his leaving his wife of 20 years to marry his secretary was just too much. Three years later, she’s sobbing at lunch over her second martini that the guy is — surprise! — banging his NEW secretary! “How could he DO this to me?!?” We all just stared at her, and then, finally, one of us said, “Why don’t you ask his ex-wife?”

By Robin

September 12, 2008 9:52 AM | Link to this

That is funny DB. I can add another sad/funny to that.

My husband’s brother, left his wife (with 18 month old twins) to be with the other woman. He and the other woman married. At a Christmas family dinner, the ex-wife (mother of twins) told me that he made a pass at her. She told hime “Sorry - I don’t go with married men”. Classic!!!

By Devastated

September 12, 2008 10:26 AM | Link to this

The w******* with whom my husband cheated is a PREDATOR. Should I expose her and get her name out in internet so that other wives can at least get a warning about her? I am dealing this situation with my husband. There are no time limits as to when I make any decisions. Those of you who said to get divorced immediately are cruel and judgemental.

By Becky

September 12, 2008 10:35 AM | Link to this

I have a saying on my monitor that I copied from a book that says “if I’d killed him when I met him, I’d be out of prison now”.

To me, that says it all..

By lovin life

September 12, 2008 10:42 AM | Link to this

It is all so very personal and dependent on the situation. I don’t think that it is the kind of problem where “one size fits all” Devistated I am so sorry for your hurt and your anger. You will be in my prayers tonight.

By Dixie Dog

September 12, 2008 11:07 AM | Link to this

I know you got the subject from the movie but really you should have just said cheating altogether. Almost every couple that I know if where cheating is an issue it is the woman doing the cheating. Now I know that they aren’t the only ones but this is really a 50/50 split. Add that with the probability that women usually develop feelings vs. “just sex” whereas men can often think of it as “just sex” and the women cheating is at least as bad if not worse.

By Robin

September 12, 2008 11:19 AM | Link to this

Devastated

My heart goes out to you. It is the ultimate betrayal. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

And yes - warn others of the predator.

We wives should band together to protect our families and each other from the devastation these predators cause.

By mom2B

September 12, 2008 11:25 AM | Link to this

You guys are so much fun to read. I don’t like reading about all of those that have been hurt, don’t get me wrond, I hate to read about that!

I have been married barely 2 yrs and both my hubby and I have agreed that WE come first, and our kids come second. I am not saying that a date comes before homework or an illness, I’m not dumb. I mean in the overall scheme of things when we decide things for our family. I love my little baby inside of me (7mths pregnant) but I love my husband just a little more right now.. I don’t know if that is right but in the Bible its taught that your relationship w/ your spouse comes first, then your children..and thats how we plan to operate.

I may be oblivious or “so newlywed” that I don’t understand, but there is a reason I waited until I was 30 to get married. I have seen loved ones cheated on and left.. and the one who cheated got back two fold what she did to my family (through her 2nd husband). Notice I said SHE!

My parents were married for 32 yrs before my mother passed on and I believe my folks stayed because of us kids.. I don’t know what I’d do, but I do know, from experience, that kids know whats going on, and I dealt with it physically (headaches and stomachaches from stress). So “staying for kids” isn’t high on my list because my folks taught me to take care of myself..so I know I’d be able to manage financially, but emotionally is totally different.

By Katie

September 12, 2008 11:40 AM | Link to this

Yes, divorce. Once a cheater always a cheater. Mom2Be, you are right. You and your husband come first.

By msvlbrown

September 12, 2008 11:50 AM | Link to this

I agree with Active Duty Mom…set a standard for what is to come in your relationships/marriage, set expectations, talk about it and stick with it. If you don’t hold your spouse to certain standards and do not express what is expected in the relationship, you can’t complain when the unfortunate happens. As humans, if we know there are repercussions for bad decisions and we are held accountable for our actions, we will think twice about the pros and cons of those actions. I heard a man say it best, it I don’t have boundaries or if I know I can get away with it, I will.

By BFF

September 12, 2008 11:54 AM | Link to this

I’m a woman. For some reason, men feel like they can confide in me. I can’t believe how many men have confessed to me that they have had an affair. Many others admit that they would jump at the chance of an affair if they knew they wouldn’t get caught.

I’m not hanging out with pond scum…..these guys are the suburban dads, soccer coaches, volunteers at their children’s schools.

Maybe, just maybe, this monogamy thing is unrealistic. Maybe we shouldn’t be basing our whole relationship upon sex. Maybe we need to take a broader look at how we define a marriage.

P.S. Women don’t seem to talk about their affairs. Which is smart.

By msvlbrown

September 12, 2008 11:59 AM | Link to this

Becky…that was too funny and oddly a true sentiment of LOTS of women!!!

By Jasta

September 12, 2008 12:44 PM | Link to this

Been there. Have a t-shirt and still have the husband. My hubby after 24 years of marraige felt that he wasn’t as sexy as he used to be and started seeeing a 20 something woman for chats and dinners when I worked nights. He swears it never went any further, but my heart was broken and I was very sad for a long time. We worked through it. By the way, there were no kids at home to worry about by then. I guess gaining weight, not feeling very pretty or sexy myself may have contributed to the whole thing. I forgave him and still feel it was the right decision for me. Everyone’s circumstances are different and what you do is what YOU choose to do and you accept your decision.

By new mom

September 12, 2008 2:15 PM | Link to this

Hi everyone!

Sorry I haven’t been around—let me tell you, we are trying to get ready for our baby girl’s First birthday party tomorrow, and then leaving for the beach on Sunday. Whose idea was this anyway??? oh, mine…But anyway, I’ve been running around like a crazy person, working off of 6 lists. But it should be fun in the end!

MJG—I wouldn’t worry one minute about some weird comments…I think some people just try to be funny when they post, but they just aren’t. I always LOVE reading whatever you have to say! :D

Hi Lovin life! To sum it up, I love pedipeds for 3 reasons: 1) they are recommended by the pediatric orthopedic council or whatever the official name is, as the next best thing for little feet after barefeet. 2) they are the only shoes that little baby girl can’t rip off her feet. She will happily wear them in our church nursery, and they are still on when we pick her up. We have a pair of white ones, and they clean up with a touch of hand soap and water—or even just water! and 3) they are as cute as pie.

I haven’t ordered them online, mainly because I prefer to check the sizes in person (and avoid some shipping charges) We bought our pair at New Baby Products in Snellville. There aren’t that many stores that carry them, but I think you can do a search on the pediped site to find a local distributor. And I’d recommend calling the store before you spend your gas money on a potential wild goose chase. We plan to go back soon to get a brown and black pair for fall and winter, but I’m trying to wait as long as possible so we get an accurate size. You NEVER know how fast those little feet will grow at what rate, huh? :)

I hope that info helps.

And to everybody—have a great week! I probably won’t have much time to check in till a week from now, so y’all be good and mind the fort while we’re gone. We’re off to birthday party, then pee in the ocean!

:) New Mom

By Theresa

September 12, 2008 2:35 PM | Link to this

Kathy — that was good reporting on the show — thanks for sharing for those of us that missed it, including me!

By JJ

September 12, 2008 2:54 PM | Link to this

NewMom Happy Birthday to the little one!!!. Be sure to get the picture with cake all over her face..

Your comment about peeing in the ocean cracked me up. I honestly laughed out loud. I hope you have a great time, and baby loves the water…. they are so cute at that age…….

Ya’ll have a great weekend!!!!