MOMania

By momtoAlex&Max

August 27, 2008 8:06 AM | Link to this

How sad this can be.

Until recently, my 2 boys were the only grandchildren on my side. So far, my parents are showing equal devotion to both sets of grandchildren; of course in different ways, since mine are school age and my sister’s twins are just infants. I am pretty sure my mother will eventually go nuts over shopping with her only granddaughter, but I am sure the other boys will be dotted on in other ways.

Now as far as my father-in-law is concerned, he has lavished expensive trips and presents and other financial help far more to his step-grandchildren than his own flesh and blood. It hurts my husband; and while I feel bad for my DH, I could not care less. My children love “abuelo and abuela” (my parents) to pieces. It’s his loss.

By Lynn

August 27, 2008 8:22 AM | Link to this

I’ve always believed that it doesn’t really matter what a grandparent GIVE to your child as long as they are there as a grandparent. I don’t raise my kids to believe that getting gifts from grandparents is a sign of love; no matter how BIG it is. So, it wouldn’t bother me if my kids grandparents gave the other grandkids bigger gifts or not. I WOULD matter if my kids never spent time with them. I grew up not receiving ONE gift from my grandparents (even though other cousins got cars, etc), but we always visited them and our relationship is still positive. The relationship is what matters, not the gifts.

By Jeff

August 27, 2008 8:24 AM | Link to this

I know in my own case, the ‘favored’ grandkids are typically the kids of the children who spent more time with the parent/granparent and who make visits with said parent a priority. Even within those ‘favored’ groups, once the grandkids reach the age where they can come on their own, it gets even more split.

By My3Kids

August 27, 2008 8:42 AM | Link to this

I just had this conversation with my husband last night about my three girls. My sister is the lucky one; her ex-husband’s parents treat her 2 sons and their 3 cousins all equally. My parents, when they were alive, treated her sons all equal. However, that has never been the case with my 3 daughters.

My parents overly spoiled my oldest daughter. Her father’s parents were never in the picture so they felt they needed to make up the slack. When my mother passed away, my father remarried a woman who also spoiled my daughter. Then I met and married my husband and we had my 2nd daughter she tried to spoil that daughter just as much. My father was still partial to my oldest. I know he loved each one the same but he did more for my oldest. My husband was the first grandchild on his side of the family and his grandparents spoiled him the most, so one would think that when his brother had his first son (a year before my 2nd was born), they would spoil him because he was the first great-grandson. NO! My 2nd daughter, because she is her father’s first, was the spoiled great-grandchild. The great-grandparents have my daughter on the pedestal and will do anything for her before they will for the other 5 great-grandchildren. However when all three are together and around them, they try to show them all love equally. My husband’s parents were lousy parents and are also lousy grandparents so they are not involved much. When my husband and I had our third daughter, his mom wanted her to be her baby because my dad had my oldest, the great-grandparents had the middle, and she wanted the youngest. My youngest never took to her and prefers her sitter over anyone, but her Mommy which annoys my mother-in-law.

I hate that 2 of my daughters are not invited (even if the youngest one is too young) to go on trips with the great-grandparents. My husband lets them get away with a lot of the things they do because they are up there in age and won’t be around forever. His is hoping they include the youngest more when she is a little older, although I don’t count on it. We have given up hoping they would invite my oldest on trips, but they do try to include her on other things. She is just at that age now where other things are more important than family. Unfortunately, my mom, step-mom, and father have all passed away, but I know if they were all still alive my 3 girls would all be spoiled. My step-mom passed away when I was pregnant with the youngest and she was so anxious waiting for her to arrive. She couldn’t wait to have another granddaughter. My father passed away when my youngest was 6 months and he was still spoiling all three and trying to do things with my oldest while she still wanted to do them with him before he wasn’t considered cool anymore. He had plans to spend more one on one time with each girl because he knew life was short and the lady he was dating when he passed away had made him aware of him being partial to the oldest. So he wanted to make up for that, because he loved them all equally but didn’t show it.

The showing favoritism used to bother me but then I said this is something I can not fix. My middle daughter adores her great-grandparents as much as they adore her. My oldest was my parents’ baby and she loved them as much. My youngest one is to little to know but she is the happiest in my arms when we visit my husband’s family and when we visit my sister she still wants me but spends more time following her sisters and there they are all treated equally spoiled (although my nephews have their favorites with my youngest 2). Favoritism is just something that be stopped but it can be kept to a minimum, as long as they are all shown love.

By phr

August 27, 2008 8:51 AM | Link to this

We have experienced grandparents favoritism towards bio grandkids first hand. We adopted our son and he was actually my in laws first grandchild and they were fine until my husband’s brother started his family. They are completely obvious with their attention towards the bio grandkids by visiting them frequently and giving them more presents (they think we don’t know). This has been pointed out by my husband’s brother as well. It’s sad when a 3rd party notices.

My husband and I have decided that as my son gets older if he notices anything or we notice anything that hurts his feelings that we will just leave from wherever we are. If it were up to me then I would confront my in laws, but my husband doesn’t want to open that can of worms. So, we came to a compromise to just take ourselves out of the situation. I think they will get the point when it happens. I don’t think you can change other people and it’s unfortunate that my son’s grandparents want to do this. I guess he is lucky to have one set of grandparents (my side) that treat him the exact same way as their bio grandkids.

By Mom23boys

August 27, 2008 9:14 AM | Link to this

First I want to address the “evil step-parent” quote. It’s not just step parents who show favoritism. I understand that is the case in the original poster’s house, but I am a step mom and have NEVER shown favoritism to my children nor have my parents. We all treat the children as children, period. I’m sorry this is not the case in all homes. However, my MIL does treat my step-son differently than my other children. She favors him and isn’t subtle about it. He notices and it bothers him that his brothers get in trouble more than he does, that he can do whatever he wants but his brothers’ cannot. It’s sad that an 11 year old already feels responsible/guilty for his grandparents’ actions. Also, now that my SIL has children (who are within 1 month to 1 year of the age of my children) my MIL also favors those children over my children. This has been a fight in our house for 8 long years and it doesn’t ever get better. We’ve tried everything from talking about it to avoiding the g’parents, but that can’t last forever. In the end, we limit our time with the inlaws that can’t be fair and when asked, we tell the truth. That’s just how “Grandma” is. It’s sad, but it’s a fact of life (at least to my boys) and I don’t want them thinking that it’s something that THEY did wrong. When the children are older, they’ll be able to see the difference between how the different sets of g’parents treat them and make their own decisions as to whom they’re closer to. I wish I knew of another way to deal with it, but it seems it’s a fact of life in our house. It does make me feel better that I”m not alone in this!

By A. Nony Mouse

August 27, 2008 9:15 AM | Link to this

I am the only daughter and my daughter is the only granddaughter. I was raised by my step-dad and I and my kids are the favored ones in the family.
I think the reason for this is that we live nearer, I have always been there and my parents had unliited access to my kids. My older step brothers did nothing to ensure that Dad got to see their children, and my middle brother was around only rarely when growing up. this was the decsion of he and his Mom not my Dad, so yeah I and my kids are more spoiled.

By deidre_NC

August 27, 2008 9:26 AM | Link to this

whenever there is more than 1 kid there is more than likely gonna be some favoritism…put in the equation step families etc and the chance for it goes up. it is sad-i have experienced both sides of it between my kids and their cousins or siblings…there is nothing you can do about it. one time my exes family wanted to send my oldest son to a private school-i told them they could but they had to make the same offer to my daughter (his sister) i have no idea why they favored my son in this way-but they did offer it to my daughter and she really wanted to go but my son didnt..go figure-so in the end neither went!!! grrr…i have experienced differences in how much time-money-gifts etc were spent on kids..sometimes mine favored sometimes mine were left out in the cold…it made me mad..hurt my feelings more really..hurt me for my kids that were slighted and hurt me for their cousins when mine were favored. i try really hard not to do this with mine..my kids or grandkids…i have one granddaughter who spends much more time with me because she lives closer that the rest…i know this shurts my other kids but i cant help where everyone lives!! i love them all equally…and never gift slight one over the other. i would love to see all of my grandchildren and children equally-but distance keeps that from happening. i think all my kids know i love them equally and i pray my grandkids do. they are still young..it may be worse when they get older and realize it more…as far as my kids—i just tell them their grandparents love them all the same..sometimes thats hard when it is obviously not true lol..but hey..kids have to realize at some point that people will like some people more than others and theres not a da*m thing you can do about..family or whatever…i just make sure i love all my kids and hope thats enough.

By JJ

August 27, 2008 9:28 AM | Link to this

Well, my mother is the only grandparent my child knows. My father passed away when my daughter was 18 months. Her father’s side never made any attempt to contact us after the divorce. How awful, to know of a grand, but never see them.

I was spoiled as a grandchild, because I was the only girl on both sides.

My mom equals it out. If she helps me and my daughter, she will help my brother and his kids. If she buys school clothes for mine, she does the same for his.

Now obviously, being the daughter, I am closer to my mom, and we see alot of her. If we go shopping and my mom buys something for me or my daughter, she will equal it out for my brother.

Thankfully we all live close to each other.

But I don’t really think my mom shows favoritism to any of her grandkids….

By Numbers Guy

August 27, 2008 9:30 AM | Link to this

Some things you simply cannot fix. While it would be nice to think that a word to the wise to the grandparents would correct the situation, be prepared for a nasty surprise if you go that route! It’s more likely that you’ll completely alienate them and eliminate or taint whatever experiences your child was getting with them.

Once the child notices, you’re probably better off going with “Gramma’s just like that.” It’s a sad situation, but may be best left alone.

All that being said, we’ve done pretty well with the grandparents, I think. They’re all pretty even-handed, and the only things that come into play are physical distances. We’re local, and many of my sibs and the wife’s brother are not. As a result, ours gets more attention, but it’s not a willful thing.

By A. Nony Mouse

August 27, 2008 9:33 AM | Link to this

My Mom loved my oldest, a son, above all of us!

By parentof4

August 27, 2008 9:37 AM | Link to this

I see this first hand. My step-mother tries to push her bio grandchildren on my father more than my kids. But he does well and does not show favoritism.

But my MIL, that is another story. She is definately a favorite to the child that resembles her son (my husband) the most. And she also treats my adopted child the harshes. Down right mean a lot of times if you ask me.

She says its is because we did not ask her permission before we adopted a child after having our own (as if we needed to). But either or, we do limit the childrens interactions with her. Unfortunately, but I have to protect my children first. She is coming around, but it takes a while to turn the Titanic around.

By Loving Stepmom

August 27, 2008 9:50 AM | Link to this

I live in a “blended” family. My parents strive to treat my step-children the same as my biological children. My MIL, however, has always favored her oldest biological, even to the exlusion of the other biological grandchildren. She thinks the kids “understand” how it is.

On my ex’s side, my former MIL treated her first grandchild as the ultimate being, and the others were second runners.

How did we deal with it? My current husband has spoken to his mother, but she insists her behavior is fine and acceptable and that the kids will understand. At home, we try not to talk about it. Her actions speak for themselves. I try to encourage my biokids to have a positive relationship with their stepgrandmother- figuring they can behave well even if she is not.

My former husband spoke to his mother, too, and I think she thought that I was just jealous and making trouble. I still try to encourage a positive relationship with their paternal grandmother, because that is best for them.

And, I don’t ever disparage any grandparents (or parents). The kids figure out stuff for themselves and it is a sad day for them when they do.

By Both Sides

August 27, 2008 10:26 AM | Link to this

I have the perspective of both sides of this issue. One of my children is the favorite of my parents. The reason though is his unfailing devotion to them. He has called them nightly since the age of 4 and continues to do so as an almost 16 year old. He sees them as often as possible and would live with them if given the chance.

In regard to gifts, etc. my parents are completely fair. To the point that I have to laugh sometimes as I promise that neither I nor my children will care if another child or grandchild receives more.

My MIL on the other hand favored her firstborn grandson. It was obvious but okay. As my children got older and once asked why he received a very expensive gift for Christmas, while their gifts literally came from the dollar store, I explained that was what grandmother thought each needed at that time. I also said it nothing to do with her love for each one and we should never think of a gift as something that should be measured against someone else’s.

By broken piggybank

August 27, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this

I am a mom, gram, and great gram to a total of 18, counting all of them. I sure hope my kids and theirs understand that I can’t lavish some 18 kids with expensive gifts!! I will admit I pay more attention to the kids who pay more attention to me. Some of them get jealous if we go on a trip or I buy gifts, but they never call or visit unless they need something, and do nothing but talk smack about me behind my back. How petty!! I love all these kids the same, but I’ll be darned if I’m going to lavish gifts on kids who don’t understand how to give themselves. They need to realize that you get back what you give to others.

By sharon

August 27, 2008 12:27 PM | Link to this

Jeff you are absolutely right

By DB

August 27, 2008 12:44 PM | Link to this

We don’t have problems with favoritism, exactly — my parents are scrupulously fair about gifts, and my mother spends an inordinate amount of time making sure she doesn’t spend more on one than the other — to the point where I told her not to worry about it, no one was counting! However, emotionally, there’s a distance, and I think it’s primarily because one set of grandchildren live in-town and she interacts with them every day, and mine live 500 miles away and are only seen twice a year, and when we visit, the grandparents really don’t interact much with the kids. It’s sad, really, they just don’t know what to say to them, and my kids are equally stymied. I’ve tried to gently suggest that she’s get more interaction with them if she turned on her email more than once a month :-), but it’s just not her thing. I do get a little tired of hearing about all the wonderful things my brother’s kids are doing, and not getting a chance to get a word in edgewise to tell her about mine, but hey, she’s almost 80. I’m not going to change her, so I’m not going to worry about it. It is what it is.

The other grandmother, my wonderful, perfect mother-in-law (and I mean that sincerely) is also the perfect grandmother, in that she keeps in touch with the kids, sends them clippings in the mail, modest birthday and holiday gifts, but always ready to show them how to cook something, sew something or take them out to an art exhibit. Unfortunately, she’s 300 miles away, and it hurts, sometimes, that the kids obviously prefer one set of grandparents to another, but really, it’s hard to blame them.

By Lauren

August 27, 2008 12:46 PM | Link to this

This can be a very sad and frustrating situation. My mother-in-law used to show preference for her oldest son’s daughters over the daughters of my husband(her second born) and me. DH and I always thought that this was because she also favored her oldest son over all her children so naturally she would favor his children since it just in her nature to be unfair with her love and attention. But honestly, this situation has changed over the years and now she seems to be pretty equal in her attentions to all her grandchildren. I don’t know what made her change because we never said anything to her about it. I don’t think you can change someone who acts this way and honestly it never seemed to bother our kids, just us.

By Jeff

August 27, 2008 12:54 PM | Link to this

On the distance front:

If T were pregnant right now, we would see this within our parents. Hers live 1 mile away. Mine live 300 miles away. So it is the difference between daily interaction and monthly.

Of course, some day (hopefully not soon), convincing my parents to come down to South GA may be possible.

By JJ

August 27, 2008 1:03 PM | Link to this

Hey Jeff, how’s the new job. I bet you are enjoying the commute…….especially with yesterday’s weather. :)

By JJ

August 27, 2008 1:10 PM | Link to this

My mother always says: “Grandchildren are your reward for NOT killing your own children”.

By Ricecakes

August 27, 2008 1:29 PM | Link to this

OH, LET ME TELL YOU…I have been going through the exact same thing for almost 7 years now and it has not gotten any better. my mother-in-law favors my husbands first child. We have a total of 3 which includes 1 child together. She is relentless. We have argued over this many, many times. As a christain women you would think she would know better…but NO! As a matter of fact, lately just caters more to her to spite me and to cause conflict between my husband and I. Well, now I pray for her and I make sure my children are not left out so I buy them more things. I hate to tell you but you are wasting your energy. It has affected my daughter over the years but not my son yet…he’s almost 5-years-old. God says accept all children and treat them all the same. He is not pleased (Rovena) for mistreating his children!

By Stacey

August 27, 2008 1:30 PM | Link to this

Well said Jeff & broken piggybank.

My mother died when my son was an infant and my father died 10 years before that so he never knew them. My mother unintentionally but obviously favored her oldest grandchild but I think it was because my sister had him when she was a teenager and they lived with us until he was 10. He always called my parents “Mama & Daddy” and because I am less than 2 years older, we have a brother/sister relationship. My daddy loved all babies (not so much when they got older) but one of my nieces was is heart and no one really knew why.

My MIL seems to favor her grandsons but she says she doesn’t. She does admit that she can’t stand the girl’s “diva-like” teenage attitudes but she said before they were teenagers she thinks she favored them, if anyone. My SIL (girl’s mother) is the type who tries to compare to see who get the most gifts and this also irritates MIL. One Christmas SIL commented that my son had so many boxes that it looked like Santa came to Grandma’s house for him. MIL pointed out to her that her girls “must have” designer only so while my son may have had twice the number of gifts, she spent half as much on him. She also pointed out that she had bought school clothes for one of the girls and paid for the other to go on a class trip which she didn’t do for either grandson.

I always tell my son that no one owes him a gift, not even his dad and I, so he really is grateful for whatever he gets. He is also at an age where he is a lot more excited about a $1.00 hot wheels car than he is about a $100 outfit.

By Ricecakes

August 27, 2008 1:31 PM | Link to this

OH, LET ME TELL YOU…I have been going through the exact same thing for almost 7 years now and it has not gotten any better. my mother-in-law favors my husbands first child. We have a total of 3 which includes 1 child together. She is relentless. We have argued over this many, many times. As a christain women you would think she would know better…but NO! As a matter of fact, lately just caters more to her to spite me and to cause conflict between my husband and I. Well, now I pray for her and I make sure my children are not left out so I buy them more things. I hate to tell you but you are wasting your energy. It has affected my daughter over the years but not my son yet…he’s almost 5-years-old. God says accept all children and treat them all the same. He is not pleased (Rovena) for mistreating his children!

By Seen all sides of the issue

August 27, 2008 1:42 PM | Link to this

I’ve seen all sides of this issue, both as a grandchild and as a parent….

Growing up, I was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. We lived much nearer my mom’s parents than my dad’s, and consequently, I was much closer to my mom’s parents, especially my grandmother. Because I spent so much time with her (trips, weekends, lived with them after college for a while), I was the favorite, and rather enjoyed the treatment.

However, my dad’s family was a completely different story. We saw them far less often, and they almost never came to see us. They doted substantially more on my cousins who lived nearby. That used to bother me a lot growing up, but that was just the way things were. My dad would never confront his parents about it. I’m way past those issues now and understand that there was a lot more to the situation than I was aware of at the time.

As a parent, my experiences have been completely different. My son (now 4) was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Both my parents have remarried, and both of my son’s “step” grandparents treat him exactly like he’s their own. He knows no difference and won’t unless he asks specifically when he’s older. Because we end up spending more time with my parents and their spouses than do my brother and family, my son probably has a closer relationship, but on the whole, all the grandparents do their dead-level best to treat their grandkids as equally as possible.

I’m glad that I’m not facing the situation that the poster is facing. However, it is often the case that the way the grandparents treat the grandkids has little to do with the kids and everything to do with ongoing family relationships/dysfunction.

By Ricecakes

August 27, 2008 1:51 PM | Link to this

How do I get a question/story posted for comments. Please email me. Thank you!

By Essie

August 27, 2008 2:06 PM | Link to this

My dad’s mother never liked my mom and always treated her as a second class citizen. This carried over to my siblings and I. As we grew up, we figured out what was going on pretty fast. The four of us decided, as we got older, to stop seeing Granny so much. When she eventually had to move from her home, she was shocked that the kids/grandkids she spoiled so much didn’t want her to live with them, nor did the kid/grandkids she treated poorly.

My parents tend to favor my eldest (their 1st grandchild) as well as my sister’s kids who live 3 blocks away. My younger kids (ages 14 & 12) see it, but they have come to deal with it on their own terms. They understand the reasons why (proximity, age, etc.) and they both decided that they knew the grandparents loved them and that was enough. If the grandparents don’t make their baseball or softball game (but make their sister’s) that’s okay, they’re going to have fun anyway and if they do show up, that’s okay to. I wish I could say it was something I did to make them okay with it, but it wasn’t. They both came upon the conclusion that life isn’t fair, there are things they can’t change, so they might as well be happy with what they have because being upset won’t change things. I think this is an attitude that more people need to have.

By Awful

August 27, 2008 2:10 PM | Link to this

My daughter experienced this 1st hand and at the age of 5, she decided that she had had enough and no longer wanted to visit my ex MIL. Ex MIL favored 1st grand more than my daughter. For birthdays, she would brag on how she bought all kind of gifts for the 1st grand and one year when my daughter was 5, she bought my daughter A HAMBURGER (not even a cheeseburger) HAPPY MEAL for her birthday. I politely went to her and told her that she had left her lunch and I walked off. I was SOOOO hurt by that but I would not let her get the victory. No she was not in a financial bind.

The stepgranddad would come by and bring her lil things and spend time with her but not gm. For Christmas, stepGD bought my daughter a tricycle and boy did she get mad with him for getting her a bike. She had almost a trunk full of gifts for the 1st grand and not 1 for my daughter. My daughter asked me why GM don’t love her and I told her “that’s just GM” Til this day (she’s 10) GM don’t call to check on her or nothing. StepGD passed a few years ago.

Now my mom is crazy about her and all 10 of her grands. She don’t buy gifts because it’s too many, she just like to spend quality time with them all. That may be why she’s looney!!

By JJ

August 27, 2008 2:17 PM | Link to this

Ricecakes Just throw your topic out here on the blog, and Theresa will pick up on it.

Yesterday’s college blog was my idea…..so she does read and will probably do a column for ya…..

By lwa

August 27, 2008 2:36 PM | Link to this

A lot of times, the distance away from the kids and the personality of the grandparents help to form the relationship.

Growing up, both grandparents lived out of town. My mother’s parents sent for us in the summer, called us and visited us a lot so we really knew them. My father’s mother didn’t call, write, etc. Sometimes when I father would visit, he would make us talk to her and she would say “I am going to send for you.” Well that never happened.

Children will form their own opinions and at the age of 18, the relationship will be shaped by the child. When my father’s mother passed away, my sister and I went to the funeral out of respect but felt very uncomfortable. Everyone kept saying that she was a great person, etc. Well, we didn’t see it and it was sad b/c we really didn’t feel anything for her and the other grands were falling over crying.

By Kyle

August 27, 2008 2:50 PM | Link to this

Wanna here favoritism? My wife is the oldest of her parents 2 daughters. When she was accepted to Cornell, her parents said “No, we can’t afford it”. When her sister, who is 2 years younger, was accepted at UCONN, not only did they pay her entire tuition, they paid her rent and all expenses for the entire 4 years. When my wife and I got married, her parents told her, “we’re sorry, we have no money we can’t help”. We paid for our own wedding(that was in 1987). From then until 2003, the little sister lived at home paying no rent. At 37 she decided to marry this out of work carpenter w/ a drinking problem. When her little sister got married, her parents threw a $50,000 wedding for her and paid for 2 weeks in Hawaii for their honeymoon. This past year, my father-in-law died. My mother -in -law moved out of the family house(worth about $700,000) into a condo. Guess what? My MIL just gave the house to little sis! My wife was always a good daughter, hardworking and respectful to her parents. I never noticed any animosity till the house give away. Forget grandkids, how would a child, at any age deal with it?

By Leigh

August 27, 2008 3:08 PM | Link to this

We see this favoritism a little more than we’d like to admit. Backgound is that my mom died in 04, dad remarried in 05, too soon for us but if he’s happy and we do like her. The new wife had 1 daughter with 3 children. I am the only surviving child of my dad’s. I have 2 children and my oldest has 2 children. Dad and his new wife lived close to us with her daughter living in a state close by. Within 9 months of their marriage they moved to the state where her daughter is. We had already seen favortism is some ways. However once they moved it was blatant. My grandson (dad’s great-grandson) had a birthday party in October. Dad and his new wife didn’t come yet when they lived here they went every weekend to her grandchildren’s ball games. Keep in mind that her grandchildren and dad’s great grandchildren are within 2 years in age. The mothers of these children, are both in a bad way financially, yet there is not so much as a package of paper bought for dad’s biological great grandchildren but for her grandchildren schools clothes, supplies, electronics etc are bought by dad and new wife. I know this as my dad tends to run off at the mouth sometimes. I haven’t said anything and hope that this is not noticed by the great grandchildren here so they are in another state. I realize that there is a difference in great granchildren versus grandchildren but there is nothing given, bought or much time spent with dad’s grandchildren (my children) since new wife has come into the picture. Sad but true.

By dee

August 27, 2008 3:29 PM | Link to this

Yes Grandparents have favorites, and unfortunately, I am not it.

By Denise

August 27, 2008 3:37 PM | Link to this

This is sad and it’s really causing me to reflect on my experiences as a granddaughter and as an aunt. I was the first grandchild on my father’s side so I was spoiled ROTTEN. I was given any- and everything I needed and I rarely wanted for anything. Once my brother and cousins came along, my “all about me” got spread across the kids. No big whoop to me because we are all very close. Where it started to go wrong was when my grandmother started comparing the children. I say children because I was in college when the “favoritism” started. She would be at one granddaughter’s activity talking about the other granddaughter’s activities and how the other’s was better. She would ask one granddaughter about her grades and mention that the other granddaughter had all As, totally disregarding the situations – as in, one was working and going to school and the other was not – and each of the girls’ feelings. The comparison started to build up some resentment and distance between 2 cousins. A part of it, I believe, is that the “perfect” granddaughter’s parents really did a lot for our grandmother – financially – so she just saw them as “better” than the other set of parents. It’s sad when folks project their own negativity on others! I will add, too, that although I am the oldest (35), my grandmother has tried to compare the younger cousins to me. What the heck is that about? Outside of the cousin who plays in the NFL (go Texans!), I make the most money, I have more “stuff”, I have more career accomplishments, etc. But if I’m 12+ years older, shouldn’t I? And trying to say that I don’t is petty and ignorant and I ignore her…mostly. Sometimes I give it to her! LOL

On my mother’s side, my brother was #1 and I was #1.2. We lived in the same city as our grandparents for a few years and we were with them every single day. We also visited very regularly. We got the gifts. We got the money. We got to go shopping at Kmart (yippee! LOL). My bio cousins grew up on the west coast. They saw our grandparents every couple of years so they didn’t have the bond that my brother and I had with our grandparents. I never felt any guilt about it.

As an aunt I try to be mindful of favoritism because of the same things you guys are saying. My SIL came in to the marriage with my brother with 2 of the most wonderful kids you will ever meet. I fell in love with them the first time I laid eyes on them. So did everyone else. They were my grandmother’s (on Daddy’s side) first great-grandchildren. We all lavished them with attention and gifts and love. My brother and his wife just had a daughter and we are all crazy about her…especially me because she looks just like me! Because we haven’t had a baby girl in the family for 21 years before my niece, we are all over buying her dresses and frilly socks and everything else that makes little girls little girls. We are EXCITED about the baby but don’t treat the boys any differently. And definitely do not show favoritism – at least I don’t see it – between them and our bio baby. The boys get cards, phone calls, money for grades, etc. just like they did before the baby was born. It makes me feel good that we are still balancing our relationships with the kids. I’m sure as we move along and our family grows, there may be the same drama with great-grands as my grandmother brings up with the grands but “that’s the way she is”.

By Band Mom Gone Wild

August 27, 2008 3:38 PM | Link to this

This brings back some very painful memories. Both my husband and I lost our moms before they became grandmothers. My husband’s mom died many years before and my mom died 1.5 months before I got pregnant. It was such a bitter-sweet time made even more emotional by ramped up hormones.

My MIL (my husband’s stepmom) passed away 5 years ago in Oct and I loved her dearly. This despite the fact she and my husband’s dad always seemed to favor the other grandkids over our daughter. The other grandkids were closer geographically so we kind of understood. What really used to bother me was the choice they (my ILs) made when they choose several exotic vacations over traveling to see us once in a while. I didn’t expect them to give up every vacation to come see us (and they took at least four or five a year), but once every couple of years would have been nice. My IL’s were wild partiers and always made it clear that they had done their child-rearing and that they were living life and going to have a good time! I said “More power to you!” even though I was so hurt.

To this day, however, I will never forget the hurt (forgive, yes…forget, no) when my MIL chose going to my FIL’s professional association’s semi-annual convention over coming to help when my daughter was born, especially since I had no one and had lost my mother 10.5 months prior to my daughter’s birth. When asked if she would come she specificaly stated that she just couldn’t give up her vacation time because the convention was just a month or so later and she couldn’t miss that. “I mean, after all, you know how much fun Bob and I have there!” I was devastated, hurt and scared because I had no idea what we were going to do. My hubby, being the absolutely most loving and wonderful guy that he is, saved all of his vacation days and comp time and stayed home with me and the baby for almost three weeks. I will never, ever forget that he did that when we needed him most.

My FIL, who now lives geographically closer to us, still spends more time with the other grandkids. My daughter at 16 has definitely noticed it and is hurt by it but loves her Grandpa Bob and tries to be understanding. (Probably more so than I am.)

Well, now I have this huge lump in my throat but since I’m at work I have to pretend it’s just a frog in my throat! I pray everyday that I’m a better mom than mine was (long story…alcohol addiction…mental health issues) and I guess I need to start adding “being a better grandmother” to that prayer too.

By Sugar

August 27, 2008 3:41 PM | Link to this

How about when your own parents favor a sibling more than you.

I always thought my parents like my younger brother better than me.

I had to buy my first car with my own money. My brother got my Dad’s car when he bought a new one.

I didn’t go to college, but my brother did. They always bragged about how wonderful he was, how successful he will be, etc. Never, NEVER, did they brag about me. There are way more pictures of him on the fireplace than me. They even went as far as to have a “family” portrait taken after I moved out. I wasn’t included in the picture.

When my grandmother died, I found out the day they were leaving for the funeral. All three of them were in the car ready to go, and I called to say Hi to my parents, and they told me she had died. My mother told me to find my own transportation to the funeral, as they were leaving right then and there, and couldn’t wait on me.

I haven’t spoken to my parents in over a year.

By HB

August 27, 2008 3:50 PM | Link to this

I feel a need to defend some stepgrandparents here. I think sometimes what appears to be favoritism is actually old gender roles coming through. Like this last example of the stepgrandmother’s grandchildren getting more gifts and attention. It could be that she is steering all attention and money to her own family and discouraging contact with the other family. On the other hand, it could be that Grandpa was used to his first wife doing all planning and shopping, but second wife has left his family and their events as his responsibility, and he hasn’t stepped up to the plate. I think often (not always, but I’ve seen it a lot) too much responsibility is put on stepgrandmothers to keep up with all the phone calls, birthdays, shopping, gift-giving, and scheduling. Some just refuse and say I’ll work on my half, you work on yours, and then half the family ends up being neglected.

By ificoulddoitagain

August 27, 2008 5:01 PM | Link to this

Awww…poor Sugar. I feel so bad for you. It’s a shame for parent’s to favor any child over the other one. Unfortunately, you will never, ever get over it. I do understand. It sucks

By Lee

August 27, 2008 5:52 PM | Link to this

i’m not sure if there is a problem. You said the “evil stepparent who favors her own kids and grandkids over the natural grandkids”. Those are her flesh and blood, therefore her natural grandkids and her own grandchildren. Your the problem, why would you expect anything differently. How do you treat her bio-grandkids? Soul search yourself and stop pointing fingers, love them all.

By Wino Junko

August 27, 2008 6:01 PM | Link to this

I have a friend who after a few drinks said she didn’t love her adopted child as much as her biological child. She knows it’s wrong to feel that way but she was just being honest.

By fk

August 27, 2008 7:00 PM | Link to this

My parents had 22 grandchildren and have four great-grandchildren, expecting two more. They treated all the same, and they seem to be giving out money for everything these days…scrape on the knee, passing swimming tests, etc. Sure, those who came around more frequently probably got a $5 or $10 bill every so often, but they took the time to visit. Funny, they were never that way with their own kids. My mil was has always been fair, too. I think that comes from having a lot of children…I’m one of ten and my husband is one of six. My mil was a bit over indulging with the son of one of my husband’s brothers. Never bothered us though, they were in entirely different circumstances and we were glad with what we had and glad that she did not have to do more for our son b/c we could not.

We live 900 miles away from my parents and 400 miles from my mil. My son knows his grandparents. I made it a point b/c I grew up without grandparents. I was insanely jealous of my friends who had grandparents and just never understood when they would complain about having to go to visit them. We spent about 4-5 weeks during the summer with my parents, so I made sure we did fun stuff so that my son would not mind spending time with them. My mil was fun for him…she would read to him, play with him, loves to hear his jokes.

My son has great memories of his time with his grandparents, and I’m very happy for that. He now sits with my dad who is 89 years old and has a regular conversation. My dad sometimes gets confused with who my son is as our visits are no longer extended stays, but a week or two. My son is patient and sees the older generation differently than most of his peers.

By 411slady

August 27, 2008 8:08 PM | Link to this

Try being told by MIL (husband’s) that “a son’s children will never be as special a daughter’s. Who thinks like that?? Needless to say, I have not gone out of my way in the last fourteen years to make visits happen since my children aren’t as “special”!!

By momtoAlex&Max

August 28, 2008 7:03 AM | Link to this

To 411slady: Since I have no daughters, I hope to heck that your MIL is not right!

By Stacey

August 28, 2008 8:49 AM | Link to this

411slady…One of my mother’s friends once made a similar comment to your MIL’s. Her explanation was “At least I KNOW my daughter’s kids are my grandkids”. Sad.

By Just Me

August 28, 2008 9:38 AM | Link to this

Not only have I seen it with my MIL where my children are concerned, but I am seeing it again with my grandchildren. My MIL has always shown favoritism for her daughter’s children, and now she shows it with their children as well. My kids were always second rate and now she treats their children (my grandchildren) the same.

My grandchildren also receive the same treatment from their other grandparents. They have 10 grandchildren total, and 5 of those 10 are treated like royalty. No effort whatsoever is made towards my grandchildren. There is always some excuse or reason as to why they never come around or call to see how they are doing. The only excuse is that they are always involved with the “fab 5”. Sad, very sad…they have NO idea what they are missing!

By GA native

August 29, 2008 10:37 AM | Link to this

I just read a comment on here that really struck home… My Dad’s mother once told me that at least she knew her daugher’s kids were really her grandkids.

Myself and the children of her other 2 sons had always known she favored the daughters kids more but this made it crystal clear. Now she wonders why I only come to visit her once a year even though my grandparents live right beside each other and I see my other grandparents at least once a month.

By Pamela

August 29, 2008 11:57 AM | Link to this

My son’s father is a dead beat and so is his family. He is his grandmothers(On his fathers side) first grandson and second grand child). His older cousin is only older than he is by 2 days and she and her 3+ sibilings get all the attention, time and money from their grandmother, however she does not ever call my child without me intervening and calling her nor does she give him anything what so ever. She never gave him a ‘happy birthday’ call, card, gift or nothing; but she make sure that she does all she can for her grandchildren by her 2 daughters. That isn’t fair. My child is now 13 and he knows that his faternal grand mother does absolutely nothing for him. He only considers my parents as his grand parents because they have always assisted me with him, spent time with him and always help me to provide for him. He spends time with them every summer. Once he was visiting with them in another state and his faternal grandmother only lives 90 minutes away and do you think she took her triflin’ behind to visit with him? NO she didn’t. Then she has the nerve to bragg to her friends about how handsome and smart he is. She does not know him at all. In fact we have not talked to her in over 2 1/2 years. As far as we are concerned she is dead and NEVER existed. We are fine with that.

It’s just not fair or right how some grandparents favor one set of grand children over the other and usually the ones that are favored do not grow up to be much of nothing!

My parents do not have favorites. They treat all of their grandchildren equally. We are truly blessed to have them (my parents) in our lives. That’s all the grand parents my son needs!

By Last for everything

September 30, 2008 3:12 PM | Link to this

If I can relate to this. My parents not only favor my sisters children of mine they always favored my sisters to. My parents paid for my (2) sisters jr. prom, seior ball, high school ring, and weddings ect. I however missed out on all the above, was expected to pay rent when I got a job and pay for my own car and upkeep. while still attending high school. We, (my husband and I) also had to pay for our wedding 18 years ago. our children are 13 and 11 yrs. and the favoritisim is still there. with my oldest sister who lost her husband 3 yrs ago. the favoritisim is not just over the 3 years seince my niece was born, they watch her the first year. I had to quit my job very successful job, moving up the ladder job, to have care for my 1st born. she had bad asthma and my husband was over the road truck driver. to my middle sister who is has many addiction issues and is divorced. and the favoritisim is still there. they will not correct my one neice when she is very mean to the others. I get ” oh, thats just her it’s fine she is mean to other” but my kids stick up for themselves and forget it. I could go on and on, OMG you just don’t know and if I say something to the neices or thier mothers, MY father and mother get in my face and how dare I say anything to the kids or my sisters.

By Pam

December 16, 2008 12:09 PM | Link to this

This is my 4th year married into a blended family. My three teenagers live with me. My mother in law has always treated unfairness at Christmas, and my children’s birthday don’t even exist. Never has received a birthday card gift or a nice gesture of saying happy birthday…ever. My in law in constantly reminded of please be fair and equal and at christmas time she always makes a statement ” oh gosh, I hope I was fair” We just celebrated christmas at her house and and her blood grandson (teenager) get $100, one of my teenage sons get $75, and my other teenage son gets $ 0 money. They all get a 25.00 gift card. Tell me, how can she not be able to recognize this of not being fair. She has always treated my children unfair, and it has become more obvious since my stepson now lives with us because he will get holiday and birthday cards with money. My husband can tell her till he is blue in his face, but she continues with this behavior. This past weekend is the last straw and we decided to return all money back to his mother because of the the unfairness and he called his father up and just made and short and sweet. Does anyone have any advice? Am I wrong in doing this? It has called alot of problems with this unfairness and my parent have always treated his children completely 100% equal.