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DEL.ICIO.USDo kids make you happy?
A whole host of studies say they don’t, so why do we keep having them?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Our Childfree By Choice friends are going to eat this up, but I feel it is my duty to share with you a recent story in Newsweek magazine examining whether children make parents happy. Here is the full story. Here are some highlights for the speed read:
Author Lorraine Ali reports in her story:
“In Daniel Gilbert’s 2006 book ‘Stumbling on Happiness,’ the Harvard professor of psychology looks at several studies and concludes that marital satisfaction decreases dramatically after the birth of the first child—and increases only when the last child has left home. He also ascertains that parents are happier grocery shopping and even sleeping than spending time with their kids. Other data cited by 2008’s ‘Gross National Happiness’ author, Arthur C. Brooks, finds that parents are about 7 percentage points less likely to report being happy than the childless.”
“ ‘Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers,’ says Florida State University’s Robin Simon, a sociology professor who’s conducted several recent parenting studies, the most thorough of which came out in 2005 and looked at data gathered from 13,000 Americans by the National Survey of Families and Households. ‘In fact, no group of parents—married, single, step or even empty nest—reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children. It’s such a counterintuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they’re not.’ “
“In pre-industrial America, parents certainly loved their children, but their offspring also served a purpose—to work the farm, contribute to the household. Children were a necessity. Today, we have kids more for emotional reasons, but an increasingly complicated work and social environment has made finding satisfaction far more difficult.”
“The majority of American parents now work outside the home, have less support from extended family and face a deteriorating education and health-care system, so raising children has not only become more complicated—it has become more expensive.”
The author concludes: “Parents still report feeling a greater sense of purpose and meaning in their lives than those who’ve never had kids. And there are other rewarding aspects of parenting that are impossible to quantify. For example, I never thought it possible to love someone as deeply as I love my son.”
What do you think: Why would parents in study after study be less happy than their child-free peers? What aspects do parents gain that would make people continue to have kids if not happiness?
Permalink | Comments (139) | Post your comment | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Comments
By Lanie
July 23, 2008 8:10 AM | Link to this
I have a really hard time even understanding this! I can’t even imagine how empty my life would feel with out my children! Of course they most ofl my money and they get on my nerves at times but I feel that my heart and life is complete with them in it.
Of course ask me again when they all become teens, I might change my mind then! LOL
By MA
July 23, 2008 8:11 AM | Link to this
My two teenagers make me laugh everyday because they have their father’s sense of humor. They are both quick witted and sarcastic in a good way. We are very happy with our kids.
By lakerat
July 23, 2008 8:12 AM | Link to this
Well, duh, we keep having kids because pro-creation is what sustains the world.
Happiness or despair associated with children is a by-product of pro-creation, depending upon what your children are doing (or have done)! All children give parents moments of sheer joy and moments of sheer shock! But, I would not trade having had both of my sons for anything (and they both have disappointed me at times) - the good, and bad, are just a part of life at any given moment in any scenario, not just with children!
By Auntie
July 23, 2008 8:21 AM | Link to this
Although I don’t have children of my own, I am the best Auntie that I know!! Not only do the kids in my family make me happy, but being around most kids do, because their love is not based on performance. When children love you it’s because the just do! So sweet and uncomplicated
By Jesse's Girl
July 23, 2008 8:26 AM | Link to this
This is such an individual thing. Like me and Mr Jesse…a person, or couple, can in fact be very happy being parents. Although…we are very strong and determined people with little baggage from childhood. But I can see how those with horrible or even indifferent childhoods can have a largely negative experience with their own kids. But its about choosing to be unselfish. Its about realizing that NO ONE finds happiness in things or other people. You have to find a way to make yourself happy. That does not come from a spouse or your children. That kind of joy and contentment comes from within. And for us….it comes from a relationship with God.
And I just have to say…..HELL YES its better to grocery shop without your kids! I don’t know of anyone who considers that a good time.
By Jackie
July 23, 2008 8:27 AM | Link to this
It’s us. Have you ever done something you weren’t sure about doing - riding a scary roler coaster, for example, told your self while you’re on it that you’ll never do that again, but the next time you go to the fair you do it again? It’s kind of the same thing with kids. Woman in childbirth say at the time that they never want to go through the pain again - but if that happened, we would die out! So you have a defense mechanism called denial, and you don’t remember that bad parts as well as the good ones in raising a child. So we all have kids again. And again. And again…. while forgetting the bad parts and remembering the good when we decide to have another one!
By Deb
July 23, 2008 8:31 AM | Link to this
I’ve always known I didn’t want children. At the ripe old age of 18, I told my now husband of 39 years that I would not have children, and he agreed. We have had a wonderful life with no regrets. We do not miss that aspect of life. I applaud those who wanted and have children, but that life is not for everyone. I know we would have been great parents; it just wasn’t for us.
By CJ
July 23, 2008 8:51 AM | Link to this
Very well said, Jesse’s girl! I also TOTALLY agree that grocery shopping is not only “not fun” with kiddies-it’s very frustrating! This is when I have the whole crew which consists of my 10 yr old,4 yr old, 3 yr old and 7 month old! Get my drift!!?? LOL! But my 10 year old loves hanging out with mommy so she usually tags along. I love my critters :-)
By JENNY
July 23, 2008 9:00 AM | Link to this
Absolutely!! When they are not making me pull my hair out. I always wanted children and so did my husband. If you do not want them for heavens sake do not have them.
By Middy mom
July 23, 2008 9:01 AM | Link to this
As a married, working mom of a beautiful 16 month old girl, I have to say that there are good days and bad days when you are a parent. Some days I get home from work and I’m completely exhausted and all my daughter wants is me - Daddy just won’t do - and that can be emotionally & physically draining. On those days, I remind myself that this phase won’t last very long and I need to soak up every minute of her wanting to be held because at some point she won’t want Mama all the time (or at all). It reminds me to slow down and enjoy her. Dinner and the dishes can wait - she is changing every day and I don’t want to miss anything. I waited a very long time to have a baby and I feel blessed to have such a sweet, fun, healthy one. Yes, having a baby did put strain on our marriage, as can any major life event. But we wouldn’t change a thing. Our daughter brings so much happiness to our life - we get such a kick out of her and her personality. I would have to say that we laugh more during the 2 hours we get with her on the weeknights than we do all week at work!
By Becky
July 23, 2008 9:03 AM | Link to this
I love children & if it had been in God’s plan for me to have them, I would of had 5-6..As it is, I have “adopted” grandchildren..They are my nephews twins..The just turned 6 & there is nothing like having them every weekend…Deb, I respect you for at least knowing that you didn’t want children..So many people have them that shouldn’t..
By A. Nony Mouse
July 23, 2008 9:16 AM | Link to this
Other people do not “make” you happy. They can contribute to it and yes my children have added greatly to my happieness. Having said that they have added greatly to my sorrow at times.
I love them and I will not appologize for the fact that there are times that I am just as happy that they are elsewhere.
By SAG
July 23, 2008 9:21 AM | Link to this
Like the Joni Mitchell song says…” I am a woman of heart and mind, with time on her hands…no child to raise.” I am a very happy, adjusted married woman without children and just as you all cannot imagine your lives without your kids, I can’t mine with kids. I have siblings with children as well as friends and I enjoy being around them on a limited basis. I suppose I never met a kid that made me think ” Wow, I want of those.” I have with shoes though!
By Jesse's Girl
July 23, 2008 9:25 AM | Link to this
Absolutely Deb….you are an example to so many! Everyone has a different path to walk in life. For some, that path just doesn’t inlcude being a parent. I wish more people would realize that…
By bobbi may
July 23, 2008 9:29 AM | Link to this
Middy mom, I’d have to agree with you whole heartedly. My daughter is only 10 weeks old, but having her in my life is so wonderful. Especially since we thought she wasn’t going to make it due to birth defects. she has now recovered and is a happy healthy and beautiful child. I adore spending time with her and watching her personality develop. She was a surprise for me, but the best kind. My marriage, unfortunatly is on the downward spiral, however it was on its way before she was born. She makes me realize the things in life that are important, I learn so much from her everyday, and everytime I see her I am amazed and it brings a smile to my face. I wish every parent could feel the way I do, but many don’t for different reasons. But most do realize at various point in their childrens lives why they are here, and that is reassuring that everythings worth while.
By DB
July 23, 2008 9:33 AM | Link to this
For one thing, I would REALLY want to see the questions being asked on a survey like this, before I head off to the doctor for some apparently much-needed Paxil :-)
I always remember a quote I read a long time ago — “Choosing to be a mother is condemning yourself to walking around the rest of your life with your heart outside your body.” It’s true — having children is not for the faint of heart. It really is a commitment to and a belief in the future.
However, when did “personal happiness” become the all-encompassing goal in life? Children may not make you happy, per se, but they add a whole ‘nother dimension to our lives. Having children has been a personal growing and learning experience for me. How did THAT get measured in the survey? How does personal satisfaction with seeing a long-term project such as children grow into young adulthood with a good work ethic and tangible goals for their lives get measured?
Yes, life would be simpler without kids. It’s always simpler when you only have yourself to take care of, and have no responsibility to anyone other than yourself and perhaps a spouse or parents. But while I know that “Real Simple” has engendered a movement towards simplicity of living, I’m pretty sure that it didn’t mean to “forget having kids”.
I would never presume to tell something that they “should” have kids. It’s such a deeply personal commitment, and I respect that choice. However, I choose to commit to the future and to embrace the messiness and chaos of a life lived fully with children. To quote “Gigi”, “I’d rather be miserable with them than without them …”
By Cara
July 23, 2008 9:42 AM | Link to this
I am the mother of 4 grown children. Our life has been devoted to them, but IF I could have a “do over”, I would never have kids. They continue to be a drain on our emotions and finances, even into their 40”s.
By MOT
July 23, 2008 9:48 AM | Link to this
No one who is seeking happiness should have kids. Kids nor anyone else make someone happy. I would have to say those in “study after study” were already basically unhappy folks to begin with, adding kids compounded their unhappiness. No human being can make someone else happy, that is our own personal responsibility. Yes others can bring a measure of joy or sadness, but it is our own make up that even determines if we see things as happy or sad, it is so relative.
I have ten kids. Yes there are times that life has been dark and depressing as we work through issues. But when you have a stable healthy relationship with the child/children, and you yourself are happy and basically emotionally healthy, then issues and sacrifices and struggles of parenting do not make you unhappy. You are able to see the big picture, and eventually you end up with grown children who are friends that enrich your life not just with that relationship but when they bring grandchildren into it as well. There are many layers of happiness through the years of raising children. It is sad that “study after study” shows folks are brought down at least in their view, with having kids. They are missing a lot.
I would also have to say that a lot of the issues that parents face these days that can create sadness and hard things to deal with, are things that parents do not know how to handle. They should get help, not leave it alone. Help comes through a personal value system that can be gained from being a church goer, or in using a therapist, life coach, or parenting classes/coaches. For some reason all the lines between parent and child these days are blurred. Two generations ago, they were much clearer, now for parents it is hard to distinguish those lines we should draw, and then have the guts to stick to our guns. I would bet the anxiety produced by trying to figure all that out is part of the unhappiness in the studies, it can produce the stress and wear and tear in a marriage as well. You have to know how to prevent it from wearing on your marital relationship, or kow the antidote, most do not apparently.
So my theory is, it is not the children themselves causing the unhappiness. It is the parents, and not having a value system that is in cement that will see you through, and not having an ability to deal with all that comes with having kids and not being willing to find help and support to change that.
By Jesse's Girl
July 23, 2008 9:56 AM | Link to this
I agree…if you crave simpicity in your life…don’t have kids. Heck…don’t get married! Nothing is simple once you become a mother, or a father. What works for one child, will never..ever…work for another. You will never get a solid night’s sleep again. You will freak out when fevers and tempers rise. You will over-extend your schedule to accomodate their activities….you will be a taxi. You will worry excessively. You will learn the art of a “quickie” quickly. You will wipe away more tears than you thought possible.
But…you will laugh so hard you will pee your pants. You will have the uncontrollable urge to video snot dripping from their noses. Your heart will melt as your child…who 5 minutes ago was embarrassed to know you…runs back to give you a hug and kiss. You will stand over them as they sleep and pray and thank God that He trusted these goobers to you.
Its not for everyone, thats for sure. But I’m glad its my life.
By Katie
July 23, 2008 10:03 AM | Link to this
Kids annoy me and I am not a lonely or unhappy person without them. You can be a productive citizen w/o procreating.
Jesse’s girl: I can do the same thing with my dogs as you describe doing with your kids. Sorry, but true.
By NameGame
July 23, 2008 10:06 AM | Link to this
I was going to say that no one who has children would ever say that they would change a thing, but Cara just dispeled that theory.
I’m sure childless people are missing out, but unless they have kids, they’ll never know. So they’re fine. You may not have 5 million dollars, but you’d never say your life was incomplete without it unless you know first hand how it is to have that much money. Same thing with childless by choice couples. I think they rock!
By LaQuanta
July 23, 2008 10:12 AM | Link to this
I am a mother of four and I can honestly say that I don’t know where I would be without them. There is a lot of joy and pain that comes with being a parent but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Before I became pregnant with my first child I was always so sad and depressed because I was the “black sheep” of the family and I was getting into a lot of trouble in school and in the streets. My family always said I would end up dead or in jail if I didn’t stop and I honestly believe I would have had I not gotten pregnant. Realizing that I was becoming responsible for someone else life made a world of difference in me…it made me happy to be able to share my love with someone else. I still had issues with my temper but it greatly decreased with each child, which made me a better woman and a better mother. My kids have taught me and opened up my eyes to so many different things that I never would have experience had I not ever had kids. Besides, God knew what was best for me and what would keep me here. Heck, even after I had my tubal ligation after my third child I still got pregnant with my fourth one. I feel greatly blessed to be able to have the experience of being a mother.
By Childfree
July 23, 2008 10:13 AM | Link to this
Agree with Katie, SAG & Deb. My parents had kids only because at the time it was “expected” & every day of my life, I felt the pang of being unwanted. Not only that, but I was a very unattractive child who became a very unattractive young woman & my aunts, uncles, cousins & grandparents treated me horribly because of that. I wished I’d never been born. I also feel a lot of people have kids for the wrong reasons: Ego, having someone to take care of them in their old age, collecting welfare checks, etc. Trust me, the world’s population will NOT die out that quickly!
By Jesse's Girl
July 23, 2008 10:15 AM | Link to this
Katie…good for you. Don’t apologize for your truth.
By Numbers Guy
July 23, 2008 10:16 AM | Link to this
Kids = responsibility, with all that that entails. The rewards can be great, but so is the sacrifice. Generally, the bigger the responsibility, the bigger the reward and the bigger the sacrifice will be.
Kids are, beyond doubt, the single largest responsibility you will face in life. If you really want the rewards involved (and they’re huge), you’ll be happy taking the sacrifice that goes with it. If you don’t, or can’t visualize the trade-off being worth it, then you’re unlikely to be happy as a parent.
For God’s sake, if you don’t want kids, DON’T HAVE ANY!! That’s as valid a choice as any, and a lot smarter than going into it with heavy doubts. Congrats to those who were wise enough to know that about themselves before they went ahead and screwed up 3 lives.
By vesta
July 23, 2008 10:18 AM | Link to this
I have two children 12 and 6 and my family wouldn’t be complete without them. It’s amazing that in my younger years I said “No way, Not me, Ever!” when asked if I would have kids and I wound up being stay at home mommy, auntie, and the “kool-aid mom” on the block. I do look back sometimes and think,. “How did I get here?!!?” It wasn’t how I saw myself when I was younger but I love it and wouldn’t change my life. My kids do not make me happy all of the time and I don’t expect them to. They are their own people with their own feelings, talents, and faults. Children mean sacrifice, responsibilty, and commitment. Instead of giving the best of myself to a career I chose to give it to my children. It’s not a perfect life and I’m not in a state of bliss all of the time but on my deathbed I don’t think I will say “I wished I had worked more, had a career, made more money, etc…”
If you don’t want to have children then by all means don’t. I don’t think children are for everyone but I do think that we all need to be open to change and nothing changed me more (for the better) than becoming a mom.
(Oh, and I must be really weird because I actually enjoy grocery shopping with my kids. Yeah, I know. Weird!)
By Shon
July 23, 2008 10:18 AM | Link to this
I can say that had I not had kids my bills wouldn’t be as much, I could do things and have time for myself and I could have a cheaper mortgage and car note by having a smaller house and car but at the end of the day all of the pros of being a parent out weighs the cons and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Having kids has made me mature more than anyone could ever know and I couldn’t begin to imagine my life without them.
By Melanie
July 23, 2008 10:20 AM | Link to this
Sorry, but I hate kids. I hated them even when I WAS one. They’re loud, rude, dirty, disrespectful & a big money drain. Every time I hear sentimental drivel about the “joy of a child’s heartwarming smile” or some other such nonsense, I roll my eyes in disgust. They serve no purpose & don’t contribute to society. No offense, people, but your unruly brats are NOT cute & nothing ruins a restuarant meal for my husband & me more than your drooling, screaming crumb-snatcher yelling throughout the meal. My husband & I have disposable incomes, nice cars that are not gas-guzzling SUV’s & unlimited freedom. I have no patience for sickly sentimentality & touchy-feely ideals, nor do I have to prove my femininity by procreating
By Jesse's Girl
July 23, 2008 10:23 AM | Link to this
Childfree….you don’t need kids, you need a good therapist. Don’t let the opinions of others dictate what is acceptable for you. You may not look like someone in a magazine…but none of us do. Embrace what you have….everyone has something to offer. I hate it when people are down on themselves…especially when they’ve let others influence what they see in a mirror.
By Lee
July 23, 2008 10:23 AM | Link to this
I love kids! They really make me happy! Especially when they are barbequed with thick brown-sugar sauce!
By Numbers Guy
July 23, 2008 10:31 AM | Link to this
Wow, Melanie, don’t hold back. Tell us how you really feel. :)
By nurse&mother
July 23, 2008 10:33 AM | Link to this
I remember similar studies when I had Psychology of the Family while attending UGA. I can’t remember the professor’s name, but I remember he was responsible for lots of longitudinal studies. I even saw him on 60 MInutes (or something reputable) a few years back.
The data does seem a little strange at first, but I don’t doubt it (simply because there is a lot of work involved in parenting-not to mention the roller coaster of emotions).
I respect and admire someone who realizes that parenting is not for them. My sister does not have children, but she would make a great mother if she chose to.
Parenthood is certainly demanding not to mention challenging at times, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything! Don’t get me wrong, I have certainly had many challenges. But I wouldn’t trade either one for anything. To see the mischievous grin on my son’s face or to hear my daughter gutty laugh reminds me when I have a low period that it is all worth it. I love cuddling my two year old as well as getting the rare moment to hold the 11 year old.
Just a little side note which may explain some of the extra burdens on parents today. Parents today do not have the support of extended families like those during pre WWII. Family dynamics was completely different. Children could go to uncles, aunts grandparents etc. for support and advice. Extended families today do not live with or even close by the immediate family today.
Parents today also have sooo many extra curricular activities. I have friends who go from dance to piano to ball games etc. with hardly any time in between. I can’t imagine! One of my best friends made a comment to me recently that she was thinking about pulling her gifted student out of the program so that she would not have so much homework. She wanted her daughter to be able to do all the activities as usual. I was a little shocked. In our family, we value academics first. Oh well to each his own.
Sorry for the long post (not to mention the flight of ideas).
By Jesse's Girl
July 23, 2008 10:36 AM | Link to this
Melanie…I don’t feel sorry for you because you have chosen to childless. I implore you to use whatever protection you can! I feel sorry for those around you because you seem hell bent on being as nasty as possible. Hell…Marilyn Manson has a sunnier disposition!
By SAG
July 23, 2008 10:40 AM | Link to this
I am detecting a lot of women here who, internally, would feel very quilty for telling the gut truth about this subject. Of course once you have the child you cannot imagine not having the child. Would this same feelings apply if you did not have the memories, expereinces, the emotions of the child you already have? Name Game, I am not missing out. You have no right to make that claim considering you do not know me. Are you missing out on the two, three…four hypothetical kids you never had? Procreation is not something that should make you feel superior. A person of any social stripe, income, educational level can have kids. Actually, any amoeba floating upstream can latch on onto another one and procreate. My decision to not have children was not a flippant or rash one, it was thoughtful and planned. Can many of you say the same about having them? I know many great parents and kids, I hope all you moms continue to be happy but don’t look at me with pity because I don’t have children. Am I selfish? Perhaps. I am also well traveled; I have a good career and my body at thirty-seven is within five pounds of what I weighed in college. I have never been over a size six in my life. I look at my sister who is a mother of three and three years my junior and I see what having three kids did to her bank account, body and daily life schedule and I am steadfast and firm in the choice I made. I am happy and I hope you all are too.
By new mom
July 23, 2008 10:45 AM | Link to this
As those who have been on this blog for a while may remember, my husband and I tried for eight years to have a baby (before finally getting pregnant on our own, after trying fertility treatments, etc.)
I say that to say—early on, we were not comfortable discussing this very personal part of our lives with anyone, even family. And people just assumed we didn’t want kids, and would try to ‘talk us into it’. Now that was fun, being talked into something you are already trying desparately to have, yet knowing if you admit that, you will suddenly burst into tears at a family get together. Then when we finally started talking about it openly, suddenly the kids topic must have become off limits, no one EVER brought up the K word!
I guess my point to that story is that you NEVER know what people have gone through, or are currently going through. We need to (as a society) give people space to be themselves without trying to force our lifestyle on them, or make them feel as though something is wrong with them if they aren’t just like us.
By luzmejor
July 23, 2008 10:47 AM | Link to this
Unfortunately, we never know what life will give us and most women do not make any decisions about pregnancy. They are pregnant before they even get around to thinking about whether they want a family or not. This travesty is not their fault, but the fault of this careless society which wants even teenagers to enter the sexual work force, start using their junk-sale items and begin producing money and customers for “owners” too early in life.
By nurse&mother
July 23, 2008 10:48 AM | Link to this
@ Melanie- You seem so have such a lovely personality. You sound like those neighbors that poison dogs with antifreeze.
@ Childfree- I am so sorry to hear that you felt unwanted. That makes my heart ache! I hope that you do not still wish you had not been born. I certainly respect your decision to not have children (especially given your experience).
@ Cara- I am so sad to hear you say that if you had a do-over you wouldn’t have kids. I respect you too, but it makes me sad. I am interested to hear what expecience(s) you had that made you come to this conclusion.
@Vesta- Maybe I should let you go shopping with my toddler (who is a screamer) and my 11yo who loves to load up the buggy with junk food. LOL. I have to limit the 11yo to 1-2 junk items per visit.
By NameGame
July 23, 2008 10:50 AM | Link to this
Uh, SAG, I wasn’t talking to you directly nor did I say for sure you were missing out. I also don’t have any children. Why don’t you read my entire post and realize I respect your decision. We actually made similar arguments.
By CJ
July 23, 2008 10:50 AM | Link to this
WOW! Where do I start? Katie-when you say kids annoy you-you are referring to other peoples kids. This is TOTALLY different than having your own kids. I too am often annoyed with other folks kids-heck I’m often annoyed with mine..LOL! But I stress it is 2 totally different things. Jesse’s girl-you are right about the laughing so hard you’ll pee your pants!! Been there! :-) Yes my life is hectic at times and I hear mommy about a hundred times a day-but I am so grateful that God gave me 4 healthy beautiful kids-inside and out. With that said-Yes my kids do make me happy :-)
By Fred
July 23, 2008 10:51 AM | Link to this
Children are gift that you give to your spouse and yourself. It’s all individual choice.Unfortunately, many people are not prepared for the huge demands of raising a child.The main ingedients are first time and secondly it takes money. No wonder the state has so mant children in foster care.
By Katie
July 23, 2008 10:52 AM | Link to this
The ‘Greenest’ thing a person can do is to not have a child. Humans are destroying this earth, not the plants and other non-human animals. If I had been given a choice, I would have been a different type of animal. I did not ask to become a human. Just a little off subject though. I also have to remember that not everyone lives in my perfect little world. Have a great day ladies.
By CBC
July 23, 2008 10:54 AM | Link to this
My parents had us knowing that we’d emigrate to the U.S. My father was over 40 when I was born. I am the oldest of two.
Immigrant parents in the U.S. for me meant that I would have to grow up VERY quickly on many levels. My parents had a boatload of issues, fought ALL of the time, I witnessed abuse, the two of us became recipients of abuse.
I became my sister’s guardian. WWe became each others means of survival that caused friction between us.
Our experience as quasi-kids/adults left us bewildered and dysfunctional. We have struggled on many levels every single day of our lives.
I am damn happy to have all of that history behind me. So does my sister.
We unequivocally do not regret procreating and continuiing our DNA line.
I love my close friend’s kids. I know that kids are an inheritance from God. I just am not cut out for such an inheritance. I feel old and am exhausted even though I’m relatively young.
My husband and I are D.I.N.K.S. We have bills, rent, etc.
I cannot even comprehend the toll having another human to care for would wreak on our/my life.
I’m childless and very very satisfied with my decision.
It’s funny how my friends and family would laugh when I’d say “I’m NEVER having kids”. Then I got married. People were ecstatic with anticipation that I’d pop one out just to have the last laugh.
They’re still waiting.
Signed, Childless by Choice.
By Jesse's Girl
July 23, 2008 10:54 AM | Link to this
Look..if you choose to remain childless, wonderful. Everyone walks their own path and more need to realize what makes sense for their own lives. However…I sincerely hope that you have more mature reasons to be childless than you don’t want the body of a mother. I would really hope your stance goes deeper than that. To even list that is trivial.
By Numbers Guy
July 23, 2008 11:04 AM | Link to this
Please do not compare dogs to children. I have had dogs. I have had children. There is NO resemblance. Zero, zip, nada.
Sorry to tell you, your pet is NOT your child.
By Melanie
July 23, 2008 11:10 AM | Link to this
Actually, Nurse&Mother, I LOOOOOVE animals & am the proud “mom” of a dog & a kitty. Hmmm, never thought of it that way, but Katie, you are so right about being childfree as a viable “green” choice. SAG (or, should I say, Sag-FREE), nothing wrong with choosing a healthy, fit body over motherhood, it’s not like your choice is hurting anyone. And why do people call you selfish? Who are you harming? Someone that’s never been born??? I guess you’re hurting the environment by not helping destroy the earth. I also guess you’re hurting your husband by being able to devote more time & attention to him. Gee, poor guy. And for those of you who want/wanted kids, ever consider adopting? There are so many unwanted kids in the world, that’s the route I’D go IF I wanted kids. Like I mentioned earlier, I don’t need to walk around with a big belly for 9 months ro prove I’m a woman. The only reason anyone should have for raising a family is because they truly like & want children, not because they’re so insecure about their desirability that they need to prove to the world they can get someone to procreate with them. I myself was adopted & as far as I’m concerned, my adoptive parents were, & always will be, my REAL parents. Geez!
By Stacey
July 23, 2008 11:12 AM | Link to this
Neither my husband nor I felt “we HAD to have children” but we were blessed with one anyway and can’t imagine life without him. When I became pregnant a second time, it was not expected and we were very stressed about it but were still devestated when I lost the baby.
I believe money may be a major reason (some) parents are not as happy as non-parents. Child rearing is even more expensive than I imagined, especially when they are babies and you have to suddenly add formula, diapers, daycare, etc to a (perhaps) already stretched budget. We have had to forgo a lot of things we once took for granted such as vacations, expensive restaurants, Falcoms tickets, concerts & plays because those things are just no longer in the budget. I don’t think our marriage is any more or less happy than before, but our lives are much happier now that we are parents.
By Melanie
July 23, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this
Good point, Numbers Guy! You BET there’s no resemblance between dogs & kids! Dogs are unconditionally loving. Kids are selfish, loud, filthy little money-pits who, more & more often, are growing up to be disrespectful thugs.
By Numbers Guy
July 23, 2008 11:18 AM | Link to this
Melanie, given your obvious views on kids, why are you here? Trolling?
By new mom
July 23, 2008 11:25 AM | Link to this
Wow, Melanie, you have all the answers, don’t you? For someone who admits that they don’t want children, you still know what “YOU’D do IF you did want them”? Impressive, to think you’d be so perfect IF you even wanted to be.
Look, it seems like most parents on this blog are being very respectful of the non-parents, and then we read your hateful anti-children rant. Please do the “green” thing and turn off your computer and go play with your dogs, and keep your nastiness to yourself. Oh wait, you’re happy, I forgot!
By T.C.
July 23, 2008 11:29 AM | Link to this
I bet nobody ever wants to over to aunt Melanie’s house.
By Melanie
July 23, 2008 11:30 AM | Link to this
No, Numbers Guy, I’m trying to convince young folks who don’t want kids or are unsure/unready that you don’t HAVE to breed just because society dictates one must do so to be “normal”
By Ed
July 23, 2008 11:30 AM | Link to this
I am the father of 3 wonderful children, two girls and a boy, all under 10 years old. Number 4 is scheduled to arrive in November. I had the first one when I was 45 years old. Throughout my life, I have always thought that the next new car or house or whatever would be the key to my happiness. I was wrong. You can invest your time and money in things or in your children. The latter is much more satisfying for me. The question is “Do kids make you happy?” for me the answer is yes.
By nurse&mother
July 23, 2008 11:37 AM | Link to this
Melanie- interestingly enough, I too am adopted and consider my adoptive parents my real parents. Nothing wrong with not wanting children, but you seem to despise them. Have you ever thought that parents are partially to blame for their children being disrespectful, selfish and loud? Maybe you should channel your anger(or whatever emotion) to the parents of those unruly children.
I hate to burst your theory that all children are disrespectful, loud and filthy. But, I have been around some children that are very well mannered, quiet etc. I make a point to tell their parents what lovely children they have.
I will admit, though it does seem that our society is very “me” oriented. And many( not all) children are exhibiting signs of disrespect. However one cannot label everyone! Just remember that you do not want to be labeled an old bitty for your thoughts on children.
By Numbers Guy
July 23, 2008 11:42 AM | Link to this
Gee, Melanie, I believe I expressed the same sentiment in my first post. Did it without being an offensive jerk, too.
It’s called tact. Look into it.
Does the AJC have an ignore function?
By nurse&mother
July 23, 2008 11:44 AM | Link to this
I don’t think many people (at least nowadays) procreate because society dictates it. Most either want to or has an “oops”. I haven’t heard anyone (except maybe Cara)who has implied that they only had children because it was expected. I also haven’t heard any childless by choice folks imply that they may cave in due to pressure from society. Most have expressed firm opinions about not having children.
By GAGirl
July 23, 2008 11:45 AM | Link to this
I have to say I whole heartedly agree with Melanie. I’m not a kid person, and I completely resent people who allow their brats to ruin dinner, movies, etc. for others. If you cannot find a babysitter, please stay home with your kids.
By SAG
July 23, 2008 11:50 AM | Link to this
Ouch !! Jesse’s Girl about my comment about my body. I listed some of the reasons I am content being childless, not all of them. What makes you want a kid? Social or family pressure, the need to fit in and now that you’re married then you should act and look married? I cannot for the life of me imagine not PLANNING and PREPARING for a child, not to be 100% ready be a parent. I cannot imagine all of a sudden being pregnant without a very long thoughtful process taking place for such a monolithic responsibilty. I suppose not being prepared for the biggest role one can assume in life is why we have so much child abuse, sex abuse inflicted on kids and kids being raised by single or unprepared people. I think it is immature and foolish to expect people to become parents because this is just the way it’s always been and always should be. The dynamics of one couple may not apply to a differnt couple and within these dynamics reside a littany of reasons a couple may decide they choose to remain just a couple and not parents. I have a full and happy life. I am sure I would be just as happy had we became parents, I hope I would have anyway…but that was not the path we wanted. On other thing, please don’t assume childless couples are not kid friendly and that we don’t love kids. I do, very much, love the children of my family and dear friends and this love is obvious when I am around them but I am also tuned into my own being enough to know my life is how it should be. Peace.
By CBC
July 23, 2008 11:55 AM | Link to this
I am going to post my answers to the questions at the end of this article.
Since we don’t know the criteria of the study, this is some what of a trick question. Times are tough out there. Both parents have to work. They get less sleep and rest. They can’t nurture themselves like they used to. Basically, in the long-term project they are showing their battle fatigue. They realize that there’s not turning back. The future looks so uncertain. They are living and surviving day-to-day. They are trying to make each day as meaningful as possible. It’s all sorts of mania all at once. The highs and lows, ups and downs sometimes co-mingled all together all of the time. Then there’s the rat race. The commercial world trying to suck out their last disposable dollar, it there is such a thing.
That all aside, the question does state: ‘less happy than….’. So, basically, there is some happiness left over!
Experience.
If a person can’t learn from experience and grow, there wouldn’t be any incentive for people to continue to have kids.
Sacrifice.
At the end of each day, knowing that you’ve done the responsible thing for your kids. This is what brings satisfaction/joy/happiness in the short or long term, come what may. Kids will always make their own choices. You have to just do your job.
Regardless of why or how a person became a parent, these things are the bottom line.
The ever revolving door. The constant swinging pendulum. Acceptance and responsibility. Not for the faint or weary, for sure.
By jg
July 23, 2008 11:58 AM | Link to this
Happy is for the moment - Joy is always - somedays my children don’t make me happy - but I try to be joyful at all times….
I am blessed and thankful for my children and grandchildren.
Life has it’s ups and downs - it is a roller coaster ride…..enjoy it!
By nurse&mother
July 23, 2008 11:59 AM | Link to this
I do my best to remove my toddler from any restaurant (I don’t take him to movies unless it’s a Disney movie) if/when he gets loud. But please don’t complain about kids if you are entering a kid friendly restaurant. If you want a quiet evening with your husband go to Ruth Christ. Don’t go to O’Charley’s or Red Lobster etc. And if you do, ask the hostess to sit in a quiet corner away from any kids. Make sure you explain that you despise them. Lol.
By abc
July 23, 2008 12:11 PM | Link to this
I really wanted to have kids, and up until their teenage years I considered that being a parent was my main purpose in life. I loved it.
After a lot of suffering through their being teens, even with the oldest now 27 and providing me proof that they do once again become human beings, I can’t honestly say I’d do it again.
By Becky
July 23, 2008 12:24 PM | Link to this
Wow, I can’t imagine having that much bitternes inside of me..I am the 9th out of 10 children & I did not have the greatest childhood either, but I still love children..I think instead of spewing all this hatred, some people need to be seeing a shrink..Ed, I think you are right on the money..So as for the question, do children make me happy..YES…..
By Name Game
July 23, 2008 12:34 PM | Link to this
It’s not about bitterness. It’s tough going left when everyone else in the world tells you to go right. For every person that respects a childless by choice person, there are 5 to 10 more who think that there is something “wrong” with them or that they are lacking in their own lives.
I haven’t made the decision yet whether or not I want kids. I had an excellent childhood and a parent that was able to stay at home. I don’t really want to bring a kid in this world if all I’m going to do is stick them in daycare.
Until then, you can’t miss what you’ve never had.
By Mother of 3
July 23, 2008 12:37 PM | Link to this
I hope all of you NONE CHILDREN people save your money and look forward to Shady Acres and gooey bed sores !!!!
By Regina
July 23, 2008 12:54 PM | Link to this
This year, at the age of 44, I gave birth to my first children, fraternal twin girls. I can’t imagine my life without my little ones. They are a joy and a double blessing.
By Becky
July 23, 2008 12:55 PM | Link to this
Name Game, I didn’t say that it was all about bitterness..I respect people that make a choice not to have children..I just think that there is a lot bitterness on here about children being rude, loud disrespectfl & a big money drain..Some children are loud, but guess what, I’ve met just as many adults the same way..As for them being a money drain, this is also true on some people..I have 2 wonderful grandchilren & we have 2 cars, a truck. 2 motorcycles & a home that is paid for..So I don’t feel like I’m doing without anything that I want..Material things don’t always mean being happy either…
By nurse&mother
July 23, 2008 12:56 PM | Link to this
Mother of 3 that is a little ugly, don’t you think? What does it matter to you if others do not wish to have children? YOu are lumping those that are mean spirited along with those that just simply do not want children. Please don’t stoop to that level. You make the rest of us that have and want children look bad.
BTW, did you mean non-children?
By Mary
July 23, 2008 12:57 PM | Link to this
Kids will bring happiness, mud, germs, and problems—and they’re supposed to! Because what they bring is meaning in life—raising and taking care of other human beings!!! Hopefully, they grow up to be decent, loving, reasonably self-fulfilled and self-supporting adults who have kids. Love goes on.
By Michelle
July 23, 2008 1:02 PM | Link to this
If I had to do it over again, I would not have had kids. I do however, thank GOD for my son, (who is now grown), but it was way too hard. Looking from the outside, it looks like fun and happiness but in real life it is nothing but work! Having a child is like having a job 24/7. Even when you are not with them physically, it’s still all about them. I enjoy the freedom of coming and going and spending money the way I want. I do not want anymore. By the way, I was a teenage mother (16) and I was pregnant. Now I am 37 and I still have no desire to raise children, again.
By Regina
July 23, 2008 1:03 PM | Link to this
SAG, Worrying about how your body will look after a pregnancy shouldn’t be a factor about having children. Much of how your body will bounce back depends on several things…genetics, eating wisely during the pregnancy, etc. I had twins at age 44. My body already looks much the same as it did before my pregnancy. I used cocoa butter and vitamin e on my stomach and other locations to guard against stretch marks. Having a daily exercise routine greatly benefits a woman before, during and after pregnancy.
By Troglodyke
July 23, 2008 1:04 PM | Link to this
I am the mother of 4 grown children. Our life has been devoted to them, but IF I could have a “do over”, I would never have kids. They continue to be a drain on our emotions and finances, even into their 40”s.
I think it was brave of you to admit this. I believe lots more women and men feel this way, and will never admit it.
I am also a happy, well-adjusted childfree adult who has never regretted her decision not to have children. It has nothing to do with body shape, either (I agree that that is an incredibly shallow reason to not have kids).
It doesn’t have to do with me feeling like I need personal happiness all the time, either. I make sacrifices in my daily life to family and friends, and to work. My life is not “all about me.”
Please don’t let Melanie speak for all of us who are childfree. She is certainly entitled to her opinion, but she does seem extra angry, and that makes all CF people seem angry and misanthropic. We are not. We are your friends and neighbors and co-workers and customers, and most of us are contributing plenty to society without children. many of us like kids, but do not want any of our own.
As for not enjoying children’s annoying antics in public (especially restaurants), I agree. Children should be expected to behave properly when in public, period—it’s how they learn to be good adults.
Yes, I understand they are kids, but you should know your kids levels of tolerance for certain things.
Most of us who complain about this stuff would never go to Chuck E. Cheese and complain about it. We know better. But at O’Charley’s or Chili’s, which are “family friendly,” I will still expect some semblance of good behavior. I don’t expect perfection, but kids should NEVER be allowed to run in restaurants, or even leave the table unless they are being taken outside or to the restroom. They shouldn’t ever be flopping about in chairs, or rolling around on the floor, either. I’m not sure how a child lying on his back on a chair with his feet flopped over the back of the chair in a public eating establishment ever became “OK” to do.
Those of us who gripe about your unruly kids were not allowed to behave like that when we were young. So what makes your kids so “special” that the rules don’t apply to them?
If you want a quiet evening with your husband go to Ruth Christ. Don’t go to O’Charley’s or Red Lobster etc. And if you do, ask the hostess to sit in a quiet corner away from any kids. Make sure you explain that you despise them. Lol.
Ha, ha. I do ask for the adult section (jokingly, of course, since there isn’t one), and I do not despise children. I despise rudeness.
Just so you know, 98% of all the servers in restaurants really dislike kids’ misbehavior, too. If there was a childfree section in their restaurant, they’d much prefer it to work in. Parents of unruly children expect good service, but are lousy tippers, and they leave huge messes for the staff to clean up. Their unruly kids cause accidents and cause paying customers to vow never to return.
So it’s not just the other customers.
Well-behaved children grow up to be responsible adults. It benefits society as a whole when parents do their jobs well. I have a lot of respect for those that do.
By Laura
July 23, 2008 1:12 PM | Link to this
I am with Deb…my husband and I do not have any children as it just wasn’t for us!
By Lulline
July 23, 2008 1:12 PM | Link to this
Children will drain you emotionally & financially and yes, I will admit there are times when I would long for single life but in the end, yes, they make me happy. I too vowed never to have any children and at 39yrs old I had my 1st child and he is a blessing to me in more ways than ever. His birth taught me patience and unconditional love. Today, i’d be lost without them because not only do they drive me crazy, they make me laugh and forget i’m in a bad mood. Not long ago my 4yr old daughter said, “mommy, I like when you wipe my bottom and change my pants”. She’s totally potty trained but it took her a while to do so and I always thought she was stalling. After that statement I realized that she enjoyed the closeness so much that she wanted to delay it further. That made me so emotional that I wanted to cry. To hear “mommy I love you” or to be kissed for no reason is priceless! Please don’t try to compare the love of a pet to a parent’s love. There is a difference. The fact that you have this person that you helped create that looks, talk or acts like you is a miracle and I thank god for the opportunity to experience it. I will never take it for granted - ever! I tell my kids, no matter what, they will alway have my heart, my time, my money & my love - things I will happily give that I will never take away and thy can alway come home, no matter what!
By Troglodyke
July 23, 2008 1:16 PM | Link to this
Sorry. The formatting did not work in my post. The 1st paragraph and the 10th paragraph should have been in quotes; they were excerpted from previous posts.
By Deb
July 23, 2008 1:25 PM | Link to this
Mother of 3, there is no guarantee that you won’t be right beside me in that nursing home. That bundle of joy isn’t going to be so excited about changing your diapers!
By Mother of none
July 23, 2008 1:27 PM | Link to this
Mother of Three - do you mean to say that a childless person will not have someone to rescue them from Shady Acres? When was it devined that children would take care of their parents?
By Stella
July 23, 2008 1:28 PM | Link to this
So “Mother of 3”…did you have kids so they will look after you when you are old?
By Grace
July 23, 2008 1:32 PM | Link to this
Why is the #1 cause of death of pregnant women is homicide? I notice there are not many men on here screaming for joy about having kids. I really don’t think men coud care less about having children. Most of the women I know say if they could do it all over again they would not have one.
By nurse&mother
July 23, 2008 1:33 PM | Link to this
Troglodyke-I guess it depends on what you classify as rude kids. Some childfree folks think that children should not even speak. I agree that even at O’Charley’s and Red Lobster children should not be running amok in the place. Please tell me who does like to be in a place where children are running up and down kicking chairs, being loud and obnoxious??
There is a huge difference in a child talking in a louder tone and one who is having a fit. Based on Melanie’s previous posts, I assumed (possibly unfairly) that she had unusually high expectations of children and did not even want to see a child.
My husband and I do take our children out to restaurants.We do not take them to swanky places. How else do you expect a child to learn the proper behavior at a restaurant? To quote my nursing instructor M. Bremnar “Learning is in the wobbles” (the metaphor is a baby animal learning to walk for the first time).
BTW, I was actually aiming that particular comment at Melanie.
Let’s all remember to try to steer clear of stereotypes (even the stereotypical family that does not tip well.) Not all are like that.
By ManOfTeal
July 23, 2008 1:35 PM |