MOMania

By Lanie

July 23, 2008 8:10 AM | Link to this

I have a really hard time even understanding this! I can’t even imagine how empty my life would feel with out my children! Of course they most ofl my money and they get on my nerves at times but I feel that my heart and life is complete with them in it.
Of course ask me again when they all become teens, I might change my mind then! LOL

By MA

July 23, 2008 8:11 AM | Link to this

My two teenagers make me laugh everyday because they have their father’s sense of humor. They are both quick witted and sarcastic in a good way. We are very happy with our kids.

By lakerat

July 23, 2008 8:12 AM | Link to this

Well, duh, we keep having kids because pro-creation is what sustains the world.

Happiness or despair associated with children is a by-product of pro-creation, depending upon what your children are doing (or have done)! All children give parents moments of sheer joy and moments of sheer shock! But, I would not trade having had both of my sons for anything (and they both have disappointed me at times) - the good, and bad, are just a part of life at any given moment in any scenario, not just with children!

By Auntie

July 23, 2008 8:21 AM | Link to this

Although I don’t have children of my own, I am the best Auntie that I know!! Not only do the kids in my family make me happy, but being around most kids do, because their love is not based on performance. When children love you it’s because the just do! So sweet and uncomplicated

By Jesse's Girl

July 23, 2008 8:26 AM | Link to this

This is such an individual thing. Like me and Mr Jesse…a person, or couple, can in fact be very happy being parents. Although…we are very strong and determined people with little baggage from childhood. But I can see how those with horrible or even indifferent childhoods can have a largely negative experience with their own kids. But its about choosing to be unselfish. Its about realizing that NO ONE finds happiness in things or other people. You have to find a way to make yourself happy. That does not come from a spouse or your children. That kind of joy and contentment comes from within. And for us….it comes from a relationship with God.

And I just have to say…..HELL YES its better to grocery shop without your kids! I don’t know of anyone who considers that a good time.

By Jackie

July 23, 2008 8:27 AM | Link to this

It’s us. Have you ever done something you weren’t sure about doing - riding a scary roler coaster, for example, told your self while you’re on it that you’ll never do that again, but the next time you go to the fair you do it again? It’s kind of the same thing with kids. Woman in childbirth say at the time that they never want to go through the pain again - but if that happened, we would die out! So you have a defense mechanism called denial, and you don’t remember that bad parts as well as the good ones in raising a child. So we all have kids again. And again. And again…. while forgetting the bad parts and remembering the good when we decide to have another one!

By Deb

July 23, 2008 8:31 AM | Link to this

I’ve always known I didn’t want children. At the ripe old age of 18, I told my now husband of 39 years that I would not have children, and he agreed. We have had a wonderful life with no regrets. We do not miss that aspect of life. I applaud those who wanted and have children, but that life is not for everyone. I know we would have been great parents; it just wasn’t for us.

By CJ

July 23, 2008 8:51 AM | Link to this

Very well said, Jesse’s girl! I also TOTALLY agree that grocery shopping is not only “not fun” with kiddies-it’s very frustrating! This is when I have the whole crew which consists of my 10 yr old,4 yr old, 3 yr old and 7 month old! Get my drift!!?? LOL! But my 10 year old loves hanging out with mommy so she usually tags along. I love my critters :-)

By JENNY

July 23, 2008 9:00 AM | Link to this

Absolutely!! When they are not making me pull my hair out. I always wanted children and so did my husband. If you do not want them for heavens sake do not have them.

By Middy mom

July 23, 2008 9:01 AM | Link to this

As a married, working mom of a beautiful 16 month old girl, I have to say that there are good days and bad days when you are a parent. Some days I get home from work and I’m completely exhausted and all my daughter wants is me - Daddy just won’t do - and that can be emotionally & physically draining. On those days, I remind myself that this phase won’t last very long and I need to soak up every minute of her wanting to be held because at some point she won’t want Mama all the time (or at all). It reminds me to slow down and enjoy her. Dinner and the dishes can wait - she is changing every day and I don’t want to miss anything. I waited a very long time to have a baby and I feel blessed to have such a sweet, fun, healthy one. Yes, having a baby did put strain on our marriage, as can any major life event. But we wouldn’t change a thing. Our daughter brings so much happiness to our life - we get such a kick out of her and her personality. I would have to say that we laugh more during the 2 hours we get with her on the weeknights than we do all week at work!

By Becky

July 23, 2008 9:03 AM | Link to this

I love children & if it had been in God’s plan for me to have them, I would of had 5-6..As it is, I have “adopted” grandchildren..They are my nephews twins..The just turned 6 & there is nothing like having them every weekend…Deb, I respect you for at least knowing that you didn’t want children..So many people have them that shouldn’t..

By A. Nony Mouse

July 23, 2008 9:16 AM | Link to this

Other people do not “make” you happy. They can contribute to it and yes my children have added greatly to my happieness. Having said that they have added greatly to my sorrow at times.

I love them and I will not appologize for the fact that there are times that I am just as happy that they are elsewhere.

By SAG

July 23, 2008 9:21 AM | Link to this

Like the Joni Mitchell song says…” I am a woman of heart and mind, with time on her hands…no child to raise.” I am a very happy, adjusted married woman without children and just as you all cannot imagine your lives without your kids, I can’t mine with kids. I have siblings with children as well as friends and I enjoy being around them on a limited basis. I suppose I never met a kid that made me think ” Wow, I want of those.” I have with shoes though!

By Jesse's Girl

July 23, 2008 9:25 AM | Link to this

Absolutely Deb….you are an example to so many! Everyone has a different path to walk in life. For some, that path just doesn’t inlcude being a parent. I wish more people would realize that…

By bobbi may

July 23, 2008 9:29 AM | Link to this

Middy mom, I’d have to agree with you whole heartedly. My daughter is only 10 weeks old, but having her in my life is so wonderful. Especially since we thought she wasn’t going to make it due to birth defects. she has now recovered and is a happy healthy and beautiful child. I adore spending time with her and watching her personality develop. She was a surprise for me, but the best kind. My marriage, unfortunatly is on the downward spiral, however it was on its way before she was born. She makes me realize the things in life that are important, I learn so much from her everyday, and everytime I see her I am amazed and it brings a smile to my face. I wish every parent could feel the way I do, but many don’t for different reasons. But most do realize at various point in their childrens lives why they are here, and that is reassuring that everythings worth while.

By DB

July 23, 2008 9:33 AM | Link to this

For one thing, I would REALLY want to see the questions being asked on a survey like this, before I head off to the doctor for some apparently much-needed Paxil :-)

I always remember a quote I read a long time ago — “Choosing to be a mother is condemning yourself to walking around the rest of your life with your heart outside your body.” It’s true — having children is not for the faint of heart. It really is a commitment to and a belief in the future.

However, when did “personal happiness” become the all-encompassing goal in life? Children may not make you happy, per se, but they add a whole ‘nother dimension to our lives. Having children has been a personal growing and learning experience for me. How did THAT get measured in the survey? How does personal satisfaction with seeing a long-term project such as children grow into young adulthood with a good work ethic and tangible goals for their lives get measured?

Yes, life would be simpler without kids. It’s always simpler when you only have yourself to take care of, and have no responsibility to anyone other than yourself and perhaps a spouse or parents. But while I know that “Real Simple” has engendered a movement towards simplicity of living, I’m pretty sure that it didn’t mean to “forget having kids”.

I would never presume to tell something that they “should” have kids. It’s such a deeply personal commitment, and I respect that choice. However, I choose to commit to the future and to embrace the messiness and chaos of a life lived fully with children. To quote “Gigi”, “I’d rather be miserable with them than without them …”

By Cara

July 23, 2008 9:42 AM | Link to this

I am the mother of 4 grown children. Our life has been devoted to them, but IF I could have a “do over”, I would never have kids. They continue to be a drain on our emotions and finances, even into their 40”s.

By MOT

July 23, 2008 9:48 AM | Link to this

No one who is seeking happiness should have kids. Kids nor anyone else make someone happy. I would have to say those in “study after study” were already basically unhappy folks to begin with, adding kids compounded their unhappiness. No human being can make someone else happy, that is our own personal responsibility. Yes others can bring a measure of joy or sadness, but it is our own make up that even determines if we see things as happy or sad, it is so relative.

I have ten kids. Yes there are times that life has been dark and depressing as we work through issues. But when you have a stable healthy relationship with the child/children, and you yourself are happy and basically emotionally healthy, then issues and sacrifices and struggles of parenting do not make you unhappy. You are able to see the big picture, and eventually you end up with grown children who are friends that enrich your life not just with that relationship but when they bring grandchildren into it as well. There are many layers of happiness through the years of raising children. It is sad that “study after study” shows folks are brought down at least in their view, with having kids. They are missing a lot.

I would also have to say that a lot of the issues that parents face these days that can create sadness and hard things to deal with, are things that parents do not know how to handle. They should get help, not leave it alone. Help comes through a personal value system that can be gained from being a church goer, or in using a therapist, life coach, or parenting classes/coaches. For some reason all the lines between parent and child these days are blurred. Two generations ago, they were much clearer, now for parents it is hard to distinguish those lines we should draw, and then have the guts to stick to our guns. I would bet the anxiety produced by trying to figure all that out is part of the unhappiness in the studies, it can produce the stress and wear and tear in a marriage as well. You have to know how to prevent it from wearing on your marital relationship, or kow the antidote, most do not apparently.

So my theory is, it is not the children themselves causing the unhappiness. It is the parents, and not having a value system that is in cement that will see you through, and not having an ability to deal with all that comes with having kids and not being willing to find help and support to change that.

By Jesse's Girl

July 23, 2008 9:56 AM | Link to this

I agree…if you crave simpicity in your life…don’t have kids. Heck…don’t get married! Nothing is simple once you become a mother, or a father. What works for one child, will never..ever…work for another. You will never get a solid night’s sleep again. You will freak out when fevers and tempers rise. You will over-extend your schedule to accomodate their activities….you will be a taxi. You will worry excessively. You will learn the art of a “quickie” quickly. You will wipe away more tears than you thought possible.

But…you will laugh so hard you will pee your pants. You will have the uncontrollable urge to video snot dripping from their noses. Your heart will melt as your child…who 5 minutes ago was embarrassed to know you…runs back to give you a hug and kiss. You will stand over them as they sleep and pray and thank God that He trusted these goobers to you.

Its not for everyone, thats for sure. But I’m glad its my life.

By Katie

July 23, 2008 10:03 AM | Link to this

Kids annoy me and I am not a lonely or unhappy person without them. You can be a productive citizen w/o procreating.

Jesse’s girl: I can do the same thing with my dogs as you describe doing with your kids. Sorry, but true.

By NameGame

July 23, 2008 10:06 AM | Link to this

I was going to say that no one who has children would ever say that they would change a thing, but Cara just dispeled that theory.

I’m sure childless people are missing out, but unless they have kids, they’ll never know. So they’re fine. You may not have 5 million dollars, but you’d never say your life was incomplete without it unless you know first hand how it is to have that much money. Same thing with childless by choice couples. I think they rock!

By LaQuanta

July 23, 2008 10:12 AM | Link to this

I am a mother of four and I can honestly say that I don’t know where I would be without them. There is a lot of joy and pain that comes with being a parent but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Before I became pregnant with my first child I was always so sad and depressed because I was the “black sheep” of the family and I was getting into a lot of trouble in school and in the streets. My family always said I would end up dead or in jail if I didn’t stop and I honestly believe I would have had I not gotten pregnant. Realizing that I was becoming responsible for someone else life made a world of difference in me…it made me happy to be able to share my love with someone else. I still had issues with my temper but it greatly decreased with each child, which made me a better woman and a better mother. My kids have taught me and opened up my eyes to so many different things that I never would have experience had I not ever had kids. Besides, God knew what was best for me and what would keep me here. Heck, even after I had my tubal ligation after my third child I still got pregnant with my fourth one. I feel greatly blessed to be able to have the experience of being a mother.

By Childfree

July 23, 2008 10:13 AM | Link to this

Agree with Katie, SAG & Deb. My parents had kids only because at the time it was “expected” & every day of my life, I felt the pang of being unwanted. Not only that, but I was a very unattractive child who became a very unattractive young woman & my aunts, uncles, cousins & grandparents treated me horribly because of that. I wished I’d never been born. I also feel a lot of people have kids for the wrong reasons: Ego, having someone to take care of them in their old age, collecting welfare checks, etc. Trust me, the world’s population will NOT die out that quickly!

By Jesse's Girl

July 23, 2008 10:15 AM | Link to this

Katie…good for you. Don’t apologize for your truth.

By Numbers Guy

July 23, 2008 10:16 AM | Link to this

Kids = responsibility, with all that that entails. The rewards can be great, but so is the sacrifice. Generally, the bigger the responsibility, the bigger the reward and the bigger the sacrifice will be.

Kids are, beyond doubt, the single largest responsibility you will face in life. If you really want the rewards involved (and they’re huge), you’ll be happy taking the sacrifice that goes with it. If you don’t, or can’t visualize the trade-off being worth it, then you’re unlikely to be happy as a parent.

For God’s sake, if you don’t want kids, DON’T HAVE ANY!! That’s as valid a choice as any, and a lot smarter than going into it with heavy doubts. Congrats to those who were wise enough to know that about themselves before they went ahead and screwed up 3 lives.

By vesta

July 23, 2008 10:18 AM | Link to this

I have two children 12 and 6 and my family wouldn’t be complete without them. It’s amazing that in my younger years I said “No way, Not me, Ever!” when asked if I would have kids and I wound up being stay at home mommy, auntie, and the “kool-aid mom” on the block. I do look back sometimes and think,. “How did I get here?!!?” It wasn’t how I saw myself when I was younger but I love it and wouldn’t change my life. My kids do not make me happy all of the time and I don’t expect them to. They are their own people with their own feelings, talents, and faults. Children mean sacrifice, responsibilty, and commitment. Instead of giving the best of myself to a career I chose to give it to my children. It’s not a perfect life and I’m not in a state of bliss all of the time but on my deathbed I don’t think I will say “I wished I had worked more, had a career, made more money, etc…”

If you don’t want to have children then by all means don’t. I don’t think children are for everyone but I do think that we all need to be open to change and nothing changed me more (for the better) than becoming a mom.

(Oh, and I must be really weird because I actually enjoy grocery shopping with my kids. Yeah, I know. Weird!)

By Shon

July 23, 2008 10:18 AM | Link to this

I can say that had I not had kids my bills wouldn’t be as much, I could do things and have time for myself and I could have a cheaper mortgage and car note by having a smaller house and car but at the end of the day all of the pros of being a parent out weighs the cons and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Having kids has made me mature more than anyone could ever know and I couldn’t begin to imagine my life without them.

By Melanie

July 23, 2008 10:20 AM | Link to this

Sorry, but I hate kids. I hated them even when I WAS one. They’re loud, rude, dirty, disrespectful & a big money drain. Every time I hear sentimental drivel about the “joy of a child’s heartwarming smile” or some other such nonsense, I roll my eyes in disgust. They serve no purpose & don’t contribute to society. No offense, people, but your unruly brats are NOT cute & nothing ruins a restuarant meal for my husband & me more than your drooling, screaming crumb-snatcher yelling throughout the meal. My husband & I have disposable incomes, nice cars that are not gas-guzzling SUV’s & unlimited freedom. I have no patience for sickly sentimentality & touchy-feely ideals, nor do I have to prove my femininity by procreating

By Jesse's Girl

July 23, 2008 10:23 AM | Link to this

Childfree….you don’t need kids, you need a good therapist. Don’t let the opinions of others dictate what is acceptable for you. You may not look like someone in a magazine…but none of us do. Embrace what you have….everyone has something to offer. I hate it when people are down on themselves…especially when they’ve let others influence what they see in a mirror.

By Lee

July 23, 2008 10:23 AM | Link to this

I love kids! They really make me happy! Especially when they are barbequed with thick brown-sugar sauce!

By Numbers Guy

July 23, 2008 10:31 AM | Link to this

Wow, Melanie, don’t hold back. Tell us how you really feel. :)

By nurse&mother

July 23, 2008 10:33 AM | Link to this

I remember similar studies when I had Psychology of the Family while attending UGA. I can’t remember the professor’s name, but I remember he was responsible for lots of longitudinal studies. I even saw him on 60 MInutes (or something reputable) a few years back.

The data does seem a little strange at first, but I don’t doubt it (simply because there is a lot of work involved in parenting-not to mention the roller coaster of emotions).

I respect and admire someone who realizes that parenting is not for them. My sister does not have children, but she would make a great mother if she chose to.

Parenthood is certainly demanding not to mention challenging at times, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything! Don’t get me wrong, I have certainly had many challenges. But I wouldn’t trade either one for anything. To see the mischievous grin on my son’s face or to hear my daughter gutty laugh reminds me when I have a low period that it is all worth it. I love cuddling my two year old as well as getting the rare moment to hold the 11 year old.

Just a little side note which may explain some of the extra burdens on parents today. Parents today do not have the support of extended families like those during pre WWII. Family dynamics was completely different. Children could go to uncles, aunts grandparents etc. for support and advice. Extended families today do not live with or even close by the immediate family today.

Parents today also have sooo many extra curricular activities. I have friends who go from dance to piano to ball games etc. with hardly any time in between. I can’t imagine! One of my best friends made a comment to me recently that she was thinking about pulling her gifted student out of the program so that she would not have so much homework. She wanted her daughter to be able to do all the activities as usual. I was a little shocked. In our family, we value academics first. Oh well to each his own.

Sorry for the long post (not to mention the flight of ideas).

By Jesse's Girl

July 23, 2008 10:36 AM | Link to this

Melanie…I don’t feel sorry for you because you have chosen to childless. I implore you to use whatever protection you can! I feel sorry for those around you because you seem hell bent on being as nasty as possible. Hell…Marilyn Manson has a sunnier disposition!

By SAG

July 23, 2008 10:40 AM | Link to this

I am detecting a lot of women here who, internally, would feel very quilty for telling the gut truth about this subject. Of course once you have the child you cannot imagine not having the child. Would this same feelings apply if you did not have the memories, expereinces, the emotions of the child you already have? Name Game, I am not missing out. You have no right to make that claim considering you do not know me. Are you missing out on the two, three…four hypothetical kids you never had? Procreation is not something that should make you feel superior. A person of any social stripe, income, educational level can have kids. Actually, any amoeba floating upstream can latch on onto another one and procreate. My decision to not have children was not a flippant or rash one, it was thoughtful and planned. Can many of you say the same about having them? I know many great parents and kids, I hope all you moms continue to be happy but don’t look at me with pity because I don’t have children. Am I selfish? Perhaps. I am also well traveled; I have a good career and my body at thirty-seven is within five pounds of what I weighed in college. I have never been over a size six in my life. I look at my sister who is a mother of three and three years my junior and I see what having three kids did to her bank account, body and daily life schedule and I am steadfast and firm in the choice I made. I am happy and I hope you all are too.

By new mom

July 23, 2008 10:45 AM | Link to this

As those who have been on this blog for a while may remember, my husband and I tried for eight years to have a baby (before finally getting pregnant on our own, after trying fertility treatments, etc.)

I say that to say—early on, we were not comfortable discussing this very personal part of our lives with anyone, even family. And people just assumed we didn’t want kids, and would try to ‘talk us into it’. Now that was fun, being talked into something you are already trying desparately to have, yet knowing if you admit that, you will suddenly burst into tears at a family get together. Then when we finally started talking about it openly, suddenly the kids topic must have become off limits, no one EVER brought up the K word!

I guess my point to that story is that you NEVER know what people have gone through, or are currently going through. We need to (as a society) give people space to be themselves without trying to force our lifestyle on them, or make them feel as though something is wrong with them if they aren’t just like us.

By luzmejor

July 23, 2008 10:47 AM | Link to this

Unfortunately, we never know what life will give us and most women do not make any decisions about pregnancy. They are pregnant before they even get around to thinking about whether they want a family or not. This travesty is not their fault, but the fault of this careless society which wants even teenagers to enter the sexual work force, start using their junk-sale items and begin producing money and customers for “owners” too early in life.

By nurse&mother

July 23, 2008 10:48 AM | Link to this

@ Melanie- You seem so have such a lovely personality. You sound like those neighbors that poison dogs with antifreeze.

@ Childfree- I am so sorry to hear that you felt unwanted. That makes my heart ache! I hope that you do not still wish you had not been born. I certainly respect your decision to not have children (especially given your experience).

@ Cara- I am so sad to hear you say that if you had a do-over you wouldn’t have kids. I respect you too, but it makes me sad. I am interested to hear what expecience(s) you had that made you come to this conclusion.

@Vesta- Maybe I should let you go shopping with my toddler (who is a screamer) and my 11yo who loves to load up the buggy with junk food. LOL. I have to limit the 11yo to 1-2 junk items per visit.

By NameGame

July 23, 2008 10:50 AM | Link to this

Uh, SAG, I wasn’t talking to you directly nor did I say for sure you were missing out. I also don’t have any children. Why don’t you read my entire post and realize I respect your decision. We actually made similar arguments.

By CJ

July 23, 2008 10:50 AM | Link to this

WOW! Where do I start? Katie-when you say kids annoy you-you are referring to other peoples kids. This is TOTALLY different than having your own kids. I too am often annoyed with other folks kids-heck I’m often annoyed with mine..LOL! But I stress it is 2 totally different things. Jesse’s girl-you are right about the laughing so hard you’ll pee your pants!! Been there! :-) Yes my life is hectic at times and I hear mommy about a hundred times a day-but I am so grateful that God gave me 4 healthy beautiful kids-inside and out. With that said-Yes my kids do make me happy :-)

By Fred

July 23, 2008 10:51 AM | Link to this

Children are gift that you give to your spouse and yourself. It’s all individual choice.Unfortunately, many people are not prepared for the huge demands of raising a child.The main ingedients are first time and secondly it takes money. No wonder the state has so mant children in foster care.

By Katie

July 23, 2008 10:52 AM | Link to this

The ‘Greenest’ thing a person can do is to not have a child. Humans are destroying this earth, not the plants and other non-human animals. If I had been given a choice, I would have been a different type of animal. I did not ask to become a human. Just a little off subject though. I also have to remember that not everyone lives in my perfect little world. Have a great day ladies.

By CBC

July 23, 2008 10:54 AM | Link to this

My parents had us knowing that we’d emigrate to the U.S. My father was over 40 when I was born. I am the oldest of two.

Immigrant parents in the U.S. for me meant that I would have to grow up VERY quickly on many levels. My parents had a boatload of issues, fought ALL of the time, I witnessed abuse, the two of us became recipients of abuse.

I became my sister’s guardian. WWe became each others means of survival that caused friction between us.

Our experience as quasi-kids/adults left us bewildered and dysfunctional. We have struggled on many levels every single day of our lives.

I am damn happy to have all of that history behind me. So does my sister.

We unequivocally do not regret procreating and continuiing our DNA line.

I love my close friend’s kids. I know that kids are an inheritance from God. I just am not cut out for such an inheritance. I feel old and am exhausted even though I’m relatively young.

My husband and I are D.I.N.K.S. We have bills, rent, etc.

I cannot even comprehend the toll having another human to care for would wreak on our/my life.

I’m childless and very very satisfied with my decision.

It’s funny how my friends and family would laugh when I’d say “I’m NEVER having kids”. Then I got married. People were ecstatic with anticipation that I’d pop one out just to have the last laugh.

They’re still waiting.

Signed, Childless by Choice.

By Jesse's Girl

July 23, 2008 10:54 AM | Link to this

Look..if you choose to remain childless, wonderful. Everyone walks their own path and more need to realize what makes sense for their own lives. However…I sincerely hope that you have more mature reasons to be childless than you don’t want the body of a mother. I would really hope your stance goes deeper than that. To even list that is trivial.

By Numbers Guy

July 23, 2008 11:04 AM | Link to this

Please do not compare dogs to children. I have had dogs. I have had children. There is NO resemblance. Zero, zip, nada.

Sorry to tell you, your pet is NOT your child.

By Melanie

July 23, 2008 11:10 AM | Link to this

Actually, Nurse&Mother, I LOOOOOVE animals & am the proud “mom” of a dog & a kitty. Hmmm, never thought of it that way, but Katie, you are so right about being childfree as a viable “green” choice. SAG (or, should I say, Sag-FREE), nothing wrong with choosing a healthy, fit body over motherhood, it’s not like your choice is hurting anyone. And why do people call you selfish? Who are you harming? Someone that’s never been born??? I guess you’re hurting the environment by not helping destroy the earth. I also guess you’re hurting your husband by being able to devote more time & attention to him. Gee, poor guy. And for those of you who want/wanted kids, ever consider adopting? There are so many unwanted kids in the world, that’s the route I’D go IF I wanted kids. Like I mentioned earlier, I don’t need to walk around with a big belly for 9 months ro prove I’m a woman. The only reason anyone should have for raising a family is because they truly like & want children, not because they’re so insecure about their desirability that they need to prove to the world they can get someone to procreate with them. I myself was adopted & as far as I’m concerned, my adoptive parents were, & always will be, my REAL parents. Geez!

By Stacey

July 23, 2008 11:12 AM | Link to this

Neither my husband nor I felt “we HAD to have children” but we were blessed with one anyway and can’t imagine life without him. When I became pregnant a second time, it was not expected and we were very stressed about it but were still devestated when I lost the baby.

I believe money may be a major reason (some) parents are not as happy as non-parents. Child rearing is even more expensive than I imagined, especially when they are babies and you have to suddenly add formula, diapers, daycare, etc to a (perhaps) already stretched budget. We have had to forgo a lot of things we once took for granted such as vacations, expensive restaurants, Falcoms tickets, concerts & plays because those things are just no longer in the budget. I don’t think our marriage is any more or less happy than before, but our lives are much happier now that we are parents.

By Melanie

July 23, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

Good point, Numbers Guy! You BET there’s no resemblance between dogs & kids! Dogs are unconditionally loving. Kids are selfish, loud, filthy little money-pits who, more & more often, are growing up to be disrespectful thugs.

By Numbers Guy

July 23, 2008 11:18 AM | Link to this

Melanie, given your obvious views on kids, why are you here? Trolling?

By new mom

July 23, 2008 11:25 AM | Link to this

Wow, Melanie, you have all the answers, don’t you? For someone who admits that they don’t want children, you still know what “YOU’D do IF you did want them”? Impressive, to think you’d be so perfect IF you even wanted to be.

Look, it seems like most parents on this blog are being very respectful of the non-parents, and then we read your hateful anti-children rant. Please do the “green” thing and turn off your computer and go play with your dogs, and keep your nastiness to yourself. Oh wait, you’re happy, I forgot!

By T.C.

July 23, 2008 11:29 AM | Link to this

I bet nobody ever wants to over to aunt Melanie’s house.

By Melanie

July 23, 2008 11:30 AM | Link to this

No, Numbers Guy, I’m trying to convince young folks who don’t want kids or are unsure/unready that you don’t HAVE to breed just because society dictates one must do so to be “normal”

By Ed

July 23, 2008 11:30 AM | Link to this

I am the father of 3 wonderful children, two girls and a boy, all under 10 years old. Number 4 is scheduled to arrive in November. I had the first one when I was 45 years old. Throughout my life, I have always thought that the next new car or house or whatever would be the key to my happiness. I was wrong. You can invest your time and money in things or in your children. The latter is much more satisfying for me. The question is “Do kids make you happy?” for me the answer is yes.

By nurse&mother

July 23, 2008 11:37 AM | Link to this

Melanie- interestingly enough, I too am adopted and consider my adoptive parents my real parents. Nothing wrong with not wanting children, but you seem to despise them. Have you ever thought that parents are partially to blame for their children being disrespectful, selfish and loud? Maybe you should channel your anger(or whatever emotion) to the parents of those unruly children.

I hate to burst your theory that all children are disrespectful, loud and filthy. But, I have been around some children that are very well mannered, quiet etc. I make a point to tell their parents what lovely children they have.

I will admit, though it does seem that our society is very “me” oriented. And many( not all) children are exhibiting signs of disrespect. However one cannot label everyone! Just remember that you do not want to be labeled an old bitty for your thoughts on children.

By Numbers Guy

July 23, 2008 11:42 AM | Link to this

Gee, Melanie, I believe I expressed the same sentiment in my first post. Did it without being an offensive jerk, too.

It’s called tact. Look into it.

Does the AJC have an ignore function?

By nurse&mother

July 23, 2008 11:44 AM | Link to this

I don’t think many people (at least nowadays) procreate because society dictates it. Most either want to or has an “oops”. I haven’t heard anyone (except maybe Cara)who has implied that they only had children because it was expected. I also haven’t heard any childless by choice folks imply that they may cave in due to pressure from society. Most have expressed firm opinions about not having children.

By GAGirl

July 23, 2008 11:45 AM | Link to this

I have to say I whole heartedly agree with Melanie. I’m not a kid person, and I completely resent people who allow their brats to ruin dinner, movies, etc. for others. If you cannot find a babysitter, please stay home with your kids.

By SAG

July 23, 2008 11:50 AM | Link to this

Ouch !! Jesse’s Girl about my comment about my body. I listed some of the reasons I am content being childless, not all of them. What makes you want a kid? Social or family pressure, the need to fit in and now that you’re married then you should act and look married? I cannot for the life of me imagine not PLANNING and PREPARING for a child, not to be 100% ready be a parent. I cannot imagine all of a sudden being pregnant without a very long thoughtful process taking place for such a monolithic responsibilty. I suppose not being prepared for the biggest role one can assume in life is why we have so much child abuse, sex abuse inflicted on kids and kids being raised by single or unprepared people. I think it is immature and foolish to expect people to become parents because this is just the way it’s always been and always should be. The dynamics of one couple may not apply to a differnt couple and within these dynamics reside a littany of reasons a couple may decide they choose to remain just a couple and not parents. I have a full and happy life. I am sure I would be just as happy had we became parents, I hope I would have anyway…but that was not the path we wanted. On other thing, please don’t assume childless couples are not kid friendly and that we don’t love kids. I do, very much, love the children of my family and dear friends and this love is obvious when I am around them but I am also tuned into my own being enough to know my life is how it should be. Peace.

By CBC

July 23, 2008 11:55 AM | Link to this

I am going to post my answers to the questions at the end of this article.

Since we don’t know the criteria of the study, this is some what of a trick question. Times are tough out there. Both parents have to work. They get less sleep and rest. They can’t nurture themselves like they used to. Basically, in the long-term project they are showing their battle fatigue. They realize that there’s not turning back. The future looks so uncertain. They are living and surviving day-to-day. They are trying to make each day as meaningful as possible. It’s all sorts of mania all at once. The highs and lows, ups and downs sometimes co-mingled all together all of the time. Then there’s the rat race. The commercial world trying to suck out their last disposable dollar, it there is such a thing.

That all aside, the question does state: ‘less happy than….’. So, basically, there is some happiness left over!

Experience.

If a person can’t learn from experience and grow, there wouldn’t be any incentive for people to continue to have kids.

Sacrifice.

At the end of each day, knowing that you’ve done the responsible thing for your kids. This is what brings satisfaction/joy/happiness in the short or long term, come what may. Kids will always make their own choices. You have to just do your job.

Regardless of why or how a person became a parent, these things are the bottom line.

The ever revolving door. The constant swinging pendulum. Acceptance and responsibility. Not for the faint or weary, for sure.

By jg

July 23, 2008 11:58 AM | Link to this

Happy is for the moment - Joy is always - somedays my children don’t make me happy - but I try to be joyful at all times….

I am blessed and thankful for my children and grandchildren.

Life has it’s ups and downs - it is a roller coaster ride…..enjoy it!

By nurse&mother

July 23, 2008 11:59 AM | Link to this

I do my best to remove my toddler from any restaurant (I don’t take him to movies unless it’s a Disney movie) if/when he gets loud. But please don’t complain about kids if you are entering a kid friendly restaurant. If you want a quiet evening with your husband go to Ruth Christ. Don’t go to O’Charley’s or Red Lobster etc. And if you do, ask the hostess to sit in a quiet corner away from any kids. Make sure you explain that you despise them. Lol.

By abc

July 23, 2008 12:11 PM | Link to this

I really wanted to have kids, and up until their teenage years I considered that being a parent was my main purpose in life. I loved it.

After a lot of suffering through their being teens, even with the oldest now 27 and providing me proof that they do once again become human beings, I can’t honestly say I’d do it again.

By Becky

July 23, 2008 12:24 PM | Link to this

Wow, I can’t imagine having that much bitternes inside of me..I am the 9th out of 10 children & I did not have the greatest childhood either, but I still love children..I think instead of spewing all this hatred, some people need to be seeing a shrink..Ed, I think you are right on the money..So as for the question, do children make me happy..YES…..

By Name Game

July 23, 2008 12:34 PM | Link to this

It’s not about bitterness. It’s tough going left when everyone else in the world tells you to go right. For every person that respects a childless by choice person, there are 5 to 10 more who think that there is something “wrong” with them or that they are lacking in their own lives.

I haven’t made the decision yet whether or not I want kids. I had an excellent childhood and a parent that was able to stay at home. I don’t really want to bring a kid in this world if all I’m going to do is stick them in daycare.

Until then, you can’t miss what you’ve never had.

By Mother of 3

July 23, 2008 12:37 PM | Link to this

I hope all of you NONE CHILDREN people save your money and look forward to Shady Acres and gooey bed sores !!!!

By Regina

July 23, 2008 12:54 PM | Link to this

This year, at the age of 44, I gave birth to my first children, fraternal twin girls. I can’t imagine my life without my little ones. They are a joy and a double blessing.

By Becky

July 23, 2008 12:55 PM | Link to this

Name Game, I didn’t say that it was all about bitterness..I respect people that make a choice not to have children..I just think that there is a lot bitterness on here about children being rude, loud disrespectfl & a big money drain..Some children are loud, but guess what, I’ve met just as many adults the same way..As for them being a money drain, this is also true on some people..I have 2 wonderful grandchilren & we have 2 cars, a truck. 2 motorcycles & a home that is paid for..So I don’t feel like I’m doing without anything that I want..Material things don’t always mean being happy either…

By nurse&mother

July 23, 2008 12:56 PM | Link to this

Mother of 3 that is a little ugly, don’t you think? What does it matter to you if others do not wish to have children? YOu are lumping those that are mean spirited along with those that just simply do not want children. Please don’t stoop to that level. You make the rest of us that have and want children look bad.

BTW, did you mean non-children?

By Mary

July 23, 2008 12:57 PM | Link to this

Kids will bring happiness, mud, germs, and problems—and they’re supposed to! Because what they bring is meaning in life—raising and taking care of other human beings!!! Hopefully, they grow up to be decent, loving, reasonably self-fulfilled and self-supporting adults who have kids. Love goes on.

By Michelle

July 23, 2008 1:02 PM | Link to this

If I had to do it over again, I would not have had kids. I do however, thank GOD for my son, (who is now grown), but it was way too hard. Looking from the outside, it looks like fun and happiness but in real life it is nothing but work! Having a child is like having a job 24/7. Even when you are not with them physically, it’s still all about them. I enjoy the freedom of coming and going and spending money the way I want. I do not want anymore. By the way, I was a teenage mother (16) and I was pregnant. Now I am 37 and I still have no desire to raise children, again.

By Regina

July 23, 2008 1:03 PM | Link to this

SAG, Worrying about how your body will look after a pregnancy shouldn’t be a factor about having children. Much of how your body will bounce back depends on several things…genetics, eating wisely during the pregnancy, etc. I had twins at age 44. My body already looks much the same as it did before my pregnancy. I used cocoa butter and vitamin e on my stomach and other locations to guard against stretch marks. Having a daily exercise routine greatly benefits a woman before, during and after pregnancy.

By Troglodyke

July 23, 2008 1:04 PM | Link to this

I am the mother of 4 grown children. Our life has been devoted to them, but IF I could have a “do over”, I would never have kids. They continue to be a drain on our emotions and finances, even into their 40”s.

I think it was brave of you to admit this. I believe lots more women and men feel this way, and will never admit it.

I am also a happy, well-adjusted childfree adult who has never regretted her decision not to have children. It has nothing to do with body shape, either (I agree that that is an incredibly shallow reason to not have kids).

It doesn’t have to do with me feeling like I need personal happiness all the time, either. I make sacrifices in my daily life to family and friends, and to work. My life is not “all about me.”

Please don’t let Melanie speak for all of us who are childfree. She is certainly entitled to her opinion, but she does seem extra angry, and that makes all CF people seem angry and misanthropic. We are not. We are your friends and neighbors and co-workers and customers, and most of us are contributing plenty to society without children. many of us like kids, but do not want any of our own.

As for not enjoying children’s annoying antics in public (especially restaurants), I agree. Children should be expected to behave properly when in public, period—it’s how they learn to be good adults.

Yes, I understand they are kids, but you should know your kids levels of tolerance for certain things.

Most of us who complain about this stuff would never go to Chuck E. Cheese and complain about it. We know better. But at O’Charley’s or Chili’s, which are “family friendly,” I will still expect some semblance of good behavior. I don’t expect perfection, but kids should NEVER be allowed to run in restaurants, or even leave the table unless they are being taken outside or to the restroom. They shouldn’t ever be flopping about in chairs, or rolling around on the floor, either. I’m not sure how a child lying on his back on a chair with his feet flopped over the back of the chair in a public eating establishment ever became “OK” to do.

Those of us who gripe about your unruly kids were not allowed to behave like that when we were young. So what makes your kids so “special” that the rules don’t apply to them?

If you want a quiet evening with your husband go to Ruth Christ. Don’t go to O’Charley’s or Red Lobster etc. And if you do, ask the hostess to sit in a quiet corner away from any kids. Make sure you explain that you despise them. Lol.

Ha, ha. I do ask for the adult section (jokingly, of course, since there isn’t one), and I do not despise children. I despise rudeness.

Just so you know, 98% of all the servers in restaurants really dislike kids’ misbehavior, too. If there was a childfree section in their restaurant, they’d much prefer it to work in. Parents of unruly children expect good service, but are lousy tippers, and they leave huge messes for the staff to clean up. Their unruly kids cause accidents and cause paying customers to vow never to return.

So it’s not just the other customers.

Well-behaved children grow up to be responsible adults. It benefits society as a whole when parents do their jobs well. I have a lot of respect for those that do.

By Laura

July 23, 2008 1:12 PM | Link to this

I am with Deb…my husband and I do not have any children as it just wasn’t for us!

By Lulline

July 23, 2008 1:12 PM | Link to this

Children will drain you emotionally & financially and yes, I will admit there are times when I would long for single life but in the end, yes, they make me happy. I too vowed never to have any children and at 39yrs old I had my 1st child and he is a blessing to me in more ways than ever. His birth taught me patience and unconditional love. Today, i’d be lost without them because not only do they drive me crazy, they make me laugh and forget i’m in a bad mood. Not long ago my 4yr old daughter said, “mommy, I like when you wipe my bottom and change my pants”. She’s totally potty trained but it took her a while to do so and I always thought she was stalling. After that statement I realized that she enjoyed the closeness so much that she wanted to delay it further. That made me so emotional that I wanted to cry. To hear “mommy I love you” or to be kissed for no reason is priceless! Please don’t try to compare the love of a pet to a parent’s love. There is a difference. The fact that you have this person that you helped create that looks, talk or acts like you is a miracle and I thank god for the opportunity to experience it. I will never take it for granted - ever! I tell my kids, no matter what, they will alway have my heart, my time, my money & my love - things I will happily give that I will never take away and thy can alway come home, no matter what!

By Troglodyke

July 23, 2008 1:16 PM | Link to this

Sorry. The formatting did not work in my post. The 1st paragraph and the 10th paragraph should have been in quotes; they were excerpted from previous posts.

By Deb

July 23, 2008 1:25 PM | Link to this

Mother of 3, there is no guarantee that you won’t be right beside me in that nursing home. That bundle of joy isn’t going to be so excited about changing your diapers!

By Mother of none

July 23, 2008 1:27 PM | Link to this

Mother of Three - do you mean to say that a childless person will not have someone to rescue them from Shady Acres? When was it devined that children would take care of their parents?

By Stella

July 23, 2008 1:28 PM | Link to this

So “Mother of 3”…did you have kids so they will look after you when you are old?

By Grace

July 23, 2008 1:32 PM | Link to this

Why is the #1 cause of death of pregnant women is homicide? I notice there are not many men on here screaming for joy about having kids. I really don’t think men coud care less about having children. Most of the women I know say if they could do it all over again they would not have one.

By nurse&mother

July 23, 2008 1:33 PM | Link to this

Troglodyke-I guess it depends on what you classify as rude kids. Some childfree folks think that children should not even speak. I agree that even at O’Charley’s and Red Lobster children should not be running amok in the place. Please tell me who does like to be in a place where children are running up and down kicking chairs, being loud and obnoxious??
There is a huge difference in a child talking in a louder tone and one who is having a fit. Based on Melanie’s previous posts, I assumed (possibly unfairly) that she had unusually high expectations of children and did not even want to see a child.

My husband and I do take our children out to restaurants.We do not take them to swanky places. How else do you expect a child to learn the proper behavior at a restaurant? To quote my nursing instructor M. Bremnar “Learning is in the wobbles” (the metaphor is a baby animal learning to walk for the first time).

BTW, I was actually aiming that particular comment at Melanie.

Let’s all remember to try to steer clear of stereotypes (even the stereotypical family that does not tip well.) Not all are like that.

By ManOfTeal

July 23, 2008 1:35 PM | Link to this

The people who write long winded posts on here should be dragged out into the street and shot. Seriously….if you can’t get your point across in two paragraphs or less just shut up because no one wants to read your novel.

And yes I love my children, nothing else in my life has been so rewarding, and irritating at the same time.

Go Marlins!!!!

By Trojan Man

July 23, 2008 1:35 PM | Link to this

Latex works fine if you don’t want kids.

By WTF???

July 23, 2008 1:54 PM | Link to this

In this age of divorce and uncertainty kids are a drain. I’m glad I came along when having children was optional, unlike past generations. Get a dog. They’re less liability.

By mik

July 23, 2008 2:00 PM | Link to this

Kids are a drain, financialy, emotionally, and timewise. You can take the same kids and two sets of parents and one set would have a blast. One set would be miserable.

Whether or not you enjoy having kids depends on you, your kids ( who they are naturally) , and how well you raised your kids.

If you like kids, have the patience for them and enjoy them, have them, have as many as you can handle. In my case, that was 2 :) All the power to those who can handle more. I am happy with my family of 4. I feel the parent to child ratio works for ME. I don’t feel the need to populate the earth. I did need to raise a child. I have always loved children, even as a child. It’s a trait some have and some dont’.

For those who don’t want kids for any reason, money, time, effort, vanity, all the power to you too. Never ever have children. There is no reason to bring an unwanted child into the world to please society or others. Enjoy your freedom and your money, it is your right.

As for annoying kids. Well, if you are at Die Hard III and someone brings a screaming kid, that is a rude person who happens to be a parent. Honestly, there are annoying rude people without kids. Unfortunately, it’s just life. If you are at Shrek and get upset about a screaming kid, well, wait until it arrives at blockbuster or see the last showing.

Live and let live people.

By Melinda

July 23, 2008 2:05 PM | Link to this

As much as I love my two sons, if I had to do it all over again…I would never have had children. The teenage years were an absolute nightmare. They are now 23 and 24 and I still owrry about them every day. I sure would like to have my own life back. I pray to god they don’t have any children of their own because then I would have to worry about them. To anyone thinking about having children….borrow a couple of teenagers for about a month and I promise you will change your minds….

By SB

July 23, 2008 2:08 PM | Link to this

I agree with others who’ve said that happiness comes from within. If you weren’t happy before kids, you won’t be truly happy after. I was happy before my 4 children. And, I have found that they have brought a lot of joy into my life. It’s not all roses; nothing is. But I certainly have no regrets and would not change a thing.

By Just a Thought

July 23, 2008 2:22 PM | Link to this

I realize we are all getting out of the old Bible-Belt ways (in some ways a shame), but I respect everyone’s differing opinions. Just because it is an opinion, doesn’t make it RIGHT or WRONG.

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. (Psalms 127:3-5 ESV)

However, for the parents who let their “BRATS” run wild, please remember:

Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart. (Proverbs 29:17 ESV)

By Jess

July 23, 2008 2:32 PM | Link to this

I don’t have kids right now, but I want at least 1 in the future (and no more than 2). I do have 2 nephews that are my pride and job that I love very much. When I am feeling down, and play with my children, I feel so much better. So I would have to say kids do make you happy. Although— I despise bad children who run wild and the parents who will not control them. I was at Old Navy the other day and this child kept kicking a ball and hitting my ankle and when I looked at the child’s mother, she looked away and turned the blind eye. Overlooking the brats, I would say overall kids make people happy.

By Melanie2

July 23, 2008 2:33 PM | Link to this

I was told I’d never get pregnant, and before I met my husband I had two engagements broken because the men wanted children more than they wanted me. Thankfully, my husband just wanted ME, fertile or not. Surprise, surprise….we had two sons in less than two years! I was content to be childless, if necessary, but I love being a mommy.

Do kids make me happy? Well, I was happy without them, but I’m even happier now that they’re here. I think a previous poster was right: kids don’t make you happy OR miserable; your attitude does.

By Tina

July 23, 2008 2:48 PM | Link to this

Yes, children are a blessing. And if both partners want them, then that’s great. But many woman have children for all the wrong reasons. Children wont change a man or make him “do right”. Nor will it make him stay. If the marriage was bad it will only get worse once the child arrives. Too bad so many woman discover that after the fact. And not just the young ones, this includes the older ones, such as my sister who was 38 when she got life lesson….and she had twins.

By Shannon

July 23, 2008 2:50 PM | Link to this

My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years and have never wanted to be parents. When people ask why we don’t have kids, I just tell them it sounds like a great way to unnecessarily complicate your life.

The fact that people have kids to make their lives more fulfilling is at its core an incredibly selfish thing to do. The only person that’s responsible for your happiness and meaning is you. To create another person to simply fill your emotional desires reduces them to an object.

I think most women have kids to get attention and make themselves feel important (or even worse — because that is what they’ve been taught to do or someone else is pressuring them into it).

The fact of the matter is the last thing this planet needs is more people on it. If you must breed, the least you can do is only replace yourself. Besides, people with children are essentially subsidized by those of us who have chosen not to. And this does not mean I don’t like kids — I do — but, they ain’t all that, either.

By creolainmysoula

July 23, 2008 2:58 PM | Link to this

Someone once said, “Having a baby is a lot like getting a tattoo on your face. You want to make sure it’s something you REALLY want to do :-) ie: a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling LOL

Actually, I like children…even the unruly, wild ones…I blame the parents for trying to be their “friend” and giving in to their constant demands for attention. Be a role model, be a parent, they’ve got enough “friends.”

By lakerat

July 23, 2008 3:03 PM | Link to this

As my sister said “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to conceive”.

By Denkpaard

July 23, 2008 3:11 PM | Link to this

My mother always said that having children was the hardest thing one could ever do. She sacrificed her ambitions for us and we felt guilty. She seemed sad and angry until we grew up. That’s why when my father said yesterday that she had more joy “than I ever knew” during those years, I burst out laughing. I love my daughter and enjoy mothering her more than I ever expected to but admire those who have the courage to admit that parenting is not for them.

By Magenta

July 23, 2008 3:12 PM | Link to this

If I’d never had a child, I’m sure I always would have wondered “what if.” Overall, any feelings of dissatisfaction can be attributed to my sense of inadequacy as a parent, and the “shoulda-woulda-couldas” in life. The other negative is the way becoming a parent complicates things. Even a messy divorce for a childless couple is far less difficult than an amicable divorce with children involved.

By Gigi

July 23, 2008 3:14 PM | Link to this

My only child has caused me more pain than anything in this world or in my entire life, BUT my only grandchild has brought me extreme joy, love and comfort. So, in the end, it was worth it all.

By jerrod

July 23, 2008 3:21 PM | Link to this

kids are like the hokey pokey…”that’s what it’s all about”

By Mageneta

July 23, 2008 3:27 PM | Link to this

I like what Jess said, unintentionally, at 2:32pm, describing her two nephews as her “pride and job.” I think that sums it up for most parents!! LOL, Jess!

By jg

July 23, 2008 3:34 PM | Link to this

To sum it all up:

“I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I’m living, My baby you’ll be”

Who did not cry the first time they read that?

By dino

July 23, 2008 3:49 PM | Link to this

if i had to do all over again, i would not have children. they both have been a big source of disapointment. i feel i would have been happier not having children

By nicole

July 23, 2008 4:03 PM | Link to this

i know i am coming in at the end of the day but i absolutely know kids make me happy(even the ones that i don’t know), but there are so many other ways to find happiness—i have a 13 year old and when she turned 13 it was like an overnight transformation!!! the day before she was just 12 and then something about 13 just changed everything. we have gone from limited too to hollister and i didn’t even see it coming! she spends a hour getting ready and it’s just jeans and a tee?! i mean, we have our moments but i can’t imagine life without her..she has always made me beem and it is amazing watching her grow! i know she is my blessing!!

By DB

July 23, 2008 4:06 PM | Link to this

Oh, BOY — this has been a fun blog! I have to say, I am truly shocked that someone would consider being within 5 lbs of what they weighed in college to be a life achievement, and to sneer at her sister because children may have affected her “perfect” figure. Goodness, I am SO glad you chose not to have kids — with those kinds of priorities, your daughters would have been anorexic. You paint all mothers with the same “fat” brush — that’s a VERY broad brush you are wielding, there, m’dear.

I can’t possibly speak for anyone else, but the decision for us to have a child was a VERY planned one. We traveled, we worked, we played, we purchased a home, we had retirement accounts — and THEN we had children. It was hardly a capricious accident.

And finally, that insteresting “green” arguement: I would submit that presenting the world with two intelligent, caring and hard-working people who will make a difference in the world to be our gift to the world. It’s the ultimate “giving back” — instead of just sucking up resources, I am renewing them with quality goods! So, 25 years from now, when my son is your oncologist, or you are purchasing a piece of my daughter’s art work for your home, tell me again that my children were a waste of air.

By Atlanta girl

July 23, 2008 4:10 PM | Link to this

Childless by choice and quite happy. Love kids as long as they are godchildren and not mine. I knew from 5 years old I didn’t want them. Bring on the stuffed animals and easy bake ovens- but no babydolls please. Now at minutes from 40- my fiance and are very happy without kids. We both had fantastic childhoods, but our goals are different from our parents. We want to travel, retire early and live debt free for life. We love our best friend’s kids and happly arrange our schedule to meet their nap times and needs. When I think of not having a child-my heart doesn’t ache. Thinking that I will never see the sun set off the coast of South Africa or visit my ancestral town in Germany does. And while it played zero part in my kid free decision- having a size 2 body at 40- is kinda nice. Loving life and my freedom.

Funny thing- when I adopted my cat I had to have several letters of recommendation. All of them mentioned my great way with children and esp. difficult teens and what an amazing life my kitty would have with me as a mom. And she has!

By Becky

July 23, 2008 4:13 PM | Link to this

Not all teenagers are terrible..I have 2 coworkers with 3 teenagers & all of them are really great kids..One of the parents is a single Mom..So to everyone saying that if they had a do over, they wouldn’t have kids, is it because of something that you did wrong? I’m just wondering..

By Lulline

July 23, 2008 4:23 PM | Link to this

Shannon, you said ” Besides, people with children are essentially subsidized by those of us who have chosen not to.” Where did you get this piece of information from? As I read on, some of you say some dumb things. I respect a person’s right/reason for not wanting a child because it’s a very personal choice that’s between them & God. Some you you sound like you based your desision on what you see around you or from what you’ve experienced. I’m the mother of a special needs child that is a challenge to raise and I accept him for what he is, as god gave him to me. He is a very happy, well loved little boy who is a joy to be around. Now, when he gets over-stimulated, unruly and loud, people look at me as if I don’t know how to control or raise a child right. This is not the case. I started disiplining from the very beginning and my kids are not brats all the time. They don’t get away with bad behaviors. I tell them what’s acceptable and what’s not.Now,not all kids are financially dependent bloodsuckers or are teenagers brats. I find teenagers to be ok once you give them respect and not talk down to them like they are stupid. They want our acceptance more than we realize and will pretend otherwise to hide hurt feelings. I’m sorry if some of you had a rotten childhood or that your child did not turn out the way you’d hope. I’m just glad some of you are able to admit if you’ve had to do it over again, you wouldn’t. May you find peace & happiness with or without children!

By landsaf

July 23, 2008 4:25 PM | Link to this

I like well mannered kids. Unfortunately they do not exist with today’s parenting. I am childless and will always be childless and the thugs of today remind me more and more why I don’t have kids. Show me a parent with discipline and I will see a good kid. It simply does not exist.

By faye

July 23, 2008 4:46 PM | Link to this

I didn’t have a great childhood, but I had a really good motherhood! My kids are 17 and 21, and were decent even through the teen years - I love the family that my husband, kids and I created. I wouldabsolutely do it again because I would not be the person I am now without the experience. I certainly respect anyone’s opinion on becoming a parent, and I believe a concious choice to be child-free is much better than a thoughtless unplanned pregnancy - or having a child to “make you ahppy” or to “love you.” Having a kid for what the kid will do for you is a surefire road to misery.

By Liz

July 23, 2008 4:46 PM | Link to this

I am a mother to 3 teenaged daughters. One will be 18 in January and the other two are identical twins who just turned 14. I was a single mother for 10 years (since the twins were 2) and although it was difficult financially and emotionally, I would have not had it any other way.

I do not look to my kids to make me happy, though. I also tell them that I am not here to make them happy. They need to find their way in life; to find what makes them happy. I decide each and every day to wake up and be happy for all that I have now.

Two years ago, the most wonderful man came into our lives and we have made a happy home for the children. He has no children of his own and knew that I didn’t want more kids. He now calls the kids “our daughters”. Life has it’s ups and downs, but if we have the attitude that we are responsible for making ourselves happy, we don’t go looking for anyone else to make us happy.

By Danielle

July 23, 2008 5:06 PM | Link to this

I can say that this article makes me feel a little bit better if I don’t have children. But I can’t say I don’t want them. I think anything you hold to such high expectations can be a little disappoint if it doesn’t live up to it.

By new mom

July 23, 2008 5:47 PM | Link to this

Children cannot make you happy, that is your job. If you are not a happy person before kids, you won’t likely be a happy one with them. Too many people look to others to make them happy, but that’s not anyone else’s job.

That being said, having a little sweet baby crawling around here definitely increases my happiness. It also increases my sleep deprivation, stress, worry, patience, attitude, appreciation….you name it. But personally, I feel like my husband and I are better people for knowing and loving her.

By Wanting Kids

July 23, 2008 5:57 PM | Link to this

As an unmarried, childless woman, I often envy couples and even singles that have children. I love children. My girlfriend has 2 boys that I try to see at least every other week just to get a dose of their sweetness. There is little like having a baby smile at you or laugh with you. I can’t wait to marry (first) and have children. Before you think I think children will bring me fulfillment, I must tell you that I have a great career and I am very successful. Even when I have my children (or bundles of drool as my friend calls them) I will still have a great career (God willing) and be very successful. My life is full without children but I believe children are blessings and I want to get that blessing!

By deidre_NC

July 23, 2008 7:23 PM | Link to this

well sure its so much better to shop with no kids…but its even better to SLEEP with no kids lol i have 5 kids and they have ALL given me times of total despair-BUT they have also ALL given me times that are indescribably delicious…i wouldnt trade them for anything-no matter how bad they can be or how good i adore them all. if i hadnt wanted to have kids i wouldnt have and am glad there are people who actually realize they dont want kids and dont have them. too many people have them and never should have…maybe they are the ones who are not happy at all with their kids

By deidre_NC

July 23, 2008 7:46 PM | Link to this

ok a little more to say here—i never cared if i had kids or not..i had a scary pap smear when i was 19 and that made me think hmmm,…my first was a sorta accident..wasnt trying or not trying…just using the luck method lol..but once i had him i was so amazed and overwhelmed with the most intense feelings i ever had for anyone ever ever..it was almost scary how much i loved that little hummm sweetielol..so after that i just had a bunch. never regretted it. my 16 year old…shes the baby-always wanted to be a mom..now she really worries about bringing a kid into this crazy messed up world. i felt that wa too when i was 16-19—-and geeze the world is so much worse now than it was then. but she says she may adopt..she may change her mind.but the point is..there are choices and really i know several people (men and women) who should have been neutered at birth. im always happy to hear people say i dont want kids and then really not have them. poor kids who are born to people who dont want them. 9 i was one of them0but im happy to be here anyway lol)

people dont have to be so rude about us who do want kids and have them. im fine if you dont want them…be fine cause i did.

By FCM

July 24, 2008 6:49 AM | Link to this

LOL! I read the title of this blog at 5AM this morning …my first thought to “Do Kid Make You Happy?” Was HELL NO! Which hopefully surprises the regulars.

I read through the posts and found that the reason for my response had been espoused several times. First by JG: Its about realizing that NO ONE finds happiness in things or other people. Then A.Nony Mouse : love them and I will not appologize for the fact that there are times that I am just as happy that they are elsewhere. I am right there with you my friend.

I could not find the quote but someone said something like *..but without them I would not be who I am today.” Nope, without my kids I would not be the person I am today…Like Frost said “Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. ” Now when I became a parent I didn’t DOUBT but KNEW I would never come back to the other path. Unlike Frost, I chose the beaten and known path “And that has made all the difference.”

Now if you change the question to “Are You Happy You Have Children?” The answer is YES! YES! THANK GOD FOR THESE TWO PEOPLE! YES!

By SCY

July 24, 2008 7:13 AM | Link to this

There sure seems to be a great many embittered people here, some who view children as a chore or a pain. One person even stated if she had to do over again she wouldn’t have had kids. Will someone please tell her to look in the mirror as the source of her pains.

I has a happy person before having kids and I still am. Having kids didn’t make me happy. If you rely on someone else to make you happy or fulfilled you will be greatly disappointed. But I sure can’t imagine my life without my children. They are and have always been an absolute joy. Far more important than any job or material possession.

By SAG

July 24, 2008 7:25 AM | Link to this

Sounds like Mother of 3 is a bitter and out of shape troll of a woman to post what she posted. Fist off Goldern Uterus Award Winner who told you that your kids will take care of you? Do you have that in writing? I can well afford care in the afternoon of my life. Can you say the same? Get off your high horse, run 5 miles a day…get a boob lift, tummy tuck and a butt lift because from the way you sound, you need all of the above.

By Robin

July 24, 2008 8:41 AM | Link to this

I have a 3 year old, and am an old mommy. I turned 40 the same week she was born.

I always wanted children, and my daughter is precious to me. She completely changed our lives.

With that said, I must also admit that there are times, when I wish I had a few minutes to myself. Just 30 minutes to chill and read. Sometimes I long for the pre-marriage, pre-mommy days,……….when the only responsibility I had was to feed the cat.

And, then I feel guilty for longing for that freedom.

Maybe I just need day to myself! :+)

My daughter is my world, and I love her completely. I do get grumpy, and I hope she won’t see that as mommy being mean. I think sometimes I just am worn out.

I don’t really know the words I am trying to say. Maybe that children don’t really make you happy/unhappy,………..but that children make you complete. My daughter completes my life. Does that make sense?

By Robin

July 24, 2008 8:58 AM | Link to this

jg -

That is a GREAT book!

I even sang it to my little one. (poor thing, ….I can’t sing!)

By A Parent

July 24, 2008 9:13 AM | Link to this

I’m the proud parent of 3 teenagers. They are 18 and 16. I did not have them to “make me happy”, if you aren’t a happy individual to begin with you never will be AND it’s not the child/children’s responsibility to make you so. I love and enjoy my children. They make me smile, mad, sad,deranged,laugh out loud, proud,crazy, excited for the productive citizens they will become. A few of my sibilings chose not to have children. They borrow mine when they felt the urge to “parent”. Nothing wrong with that either. To be a parent or not is a personal choice and I have more respect for those who choose not to be “human” parents than for those who are and neglect them.

By Proud Parent

July 24, 2008 9:14 AM | Link to this

I cannot believe this article and the study was probably funded by the Childfree By Choice group.

The families / individuals that are not happy are the families / individuals who did not plan to have a child or children.

Personally speaking, I could not imagine life without my son and I love being a father and role model to him. It does take special people to be parents, I am convinced of that. If you are not ready for children, I am sure it can be difficult to impossible.

I honestly feel that is what is wrong with today’s society. People would much rather go to the grocery store or do anything else rather than spend time with their child and teach them how to be a successful adult and respect others and all the values I was taught as a child.

Please stop having children if it is going to be a burden on your life and stop raising children who do not respect others! If you cannot devote 24x7x365 for the next 20 years of your life to your child/ren, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE THEM!

By confused

July 24, 2008 9:14 AM | Link to this

As I write my screaming 1 1/2 year old destroys the living room and makes my day off worse than work. I do love them but being childless was the live. Changing diapers, cleaning up toys, stepping on them and living in mayhem at my own house is dreadful at times. My wife thinks that it is terrible I feel this way but it is what it is. I see why people work 70 hours per week because coming home is painful at times.

By Becky

July 24, 2008 10:45 AM | Link to this

OK, I’m confused now..Why do so many people not like going to the grocery store with their children? As I posted before, I have twin “adopted” grandchildren & I love taking them to the grocery store with me..They are 6 & we make it a learning time..

By nurse&mother

July 24, 2008 11:04 AM | Link to this

Becky- I will explain from my perspective why I don’t like to take the kids to the store. First, the 11yo likes to beg for all the junk food she can get. Other than that she is fine to take. The 2.5 yo can get cranky. He tries to grab stuff off the shelf. He has to make a trip to see the lobsters. It’s quite funny when I take a step back (so to speak) and think about it. It’s not so funny when I am in a hurry and I don’t have much time to spend a the tank (and he screams “wanta see the lobsters!!! AAHHH”) I have a policy to remove my kids from any store, restaurant etc. when they get loud. It’s hard to get out quickly with a buggy full of groceries.

Thankfully, the tantrums with the toddler are getting much better.

BTW, I love my kids to death!! But going shopping with them?? Not my idea of fun. I also like to spend time and look around (they are not particularly fond of that). LOL

By Allison

July 24, 2008 12:03 PM | Link to this

I think the problem is that we live in a very selfish society. I’m thinking more of the selfishness of people who have kids just to make themselves happy than I am about people not wanting kids. If someone doesn’t want kids, no matter the reason, then it’s really best for them not to have them. But if someone is having kids just to make themselves happy, that’s completely selfish. Now, I will say that I wanted to have a child to experience motherhood. But it was more for the experience I look forward to raising a human being, raising a citizen of this world than for my own selfish gains. I am mortified by the lack of thought that goes into parenting these days. I was told recenty by someone I love that I think too much about parenting and I should just “live and let live”. My parents did the best they could but I wish a little more thought had been given about why and how they did things.I think if more people put more thought and effort into raising their kids, we wouldn’t have half the problems that we have in today’s society. Raising a child is a full time responsibility and people should think long and hard about taking on that challenge. Being a parent brings more joy than I could ever have imagined, but it’s also so much harder than I ever could have imagined. And it has taken a toll on our marriage. But we’ve grown through it, having to learn how to live as parents as well as husband and wife. I wouldn’t trade this experience for the world. We are hoping to have a second child - not to make ourselves happier - but to give our son a sibling and to give a good go at raising another well-adjusted, confident, responsible and thoughtful individual.

By Susan

July 24, 2008 1:52 PM | Link to this

I am the 55 year old mother of three girls that are now grown and have turned out to be beautiful young women. I can’t imagine what life would be like without them. I have also had the trips to Europe since my children grew up and enough of the fancy restaurants to make me happy while living on a modest income. Having children does not mean you have to give them everything they desire, just everything they need. They don’t need nearly as much as parents today think they do. We went on our first “airplane” vacation together only nine years ago. They also had their trips to Europe instead of getting brand new cars at sixteen. We had our vacations to places appropriate for children when they were younger. I was always looking for things to do for free and we had lots of fun. We used to be able to camp at Cumberland Island for a week for free back in the early 90’s and it was a wonderful vacation for us. At home every Saturday night we had “recipe night” We found a new recipe in our cookbook collection and made a fancy restaurant style dinner.

My girls tell me now that they think they had a really wonderful childhood compared to most of their friends who got all the “stuff” etc.

My girls are now my best friends and I am looking forward to the day when I have grandchildren. By the way, I am also still married to their father and have been since before they were born.

I do not feel I have missed out on anything in life and am very happy with my choice in having children. Each one was planned and wanted and is very much loved.

By Becky

July 24, 2008 4:16 PM | Link to this

Thanks nurese&mother..I understand your point of view..I go through that some with mine, but I shrug it off..Susan, you sound a lot like my oldest sister with her family..My 2 love to cook & at the young age of 6 will be right there in the kitchen with me..They love to run to Poppy & tell him as he’s eating something ” I helped to bake that”

By Bonedaddy

July 24, 2008 5:57 PM | Link to this

I am 50 with my first child, a 5 year old daughter. She was planned and conceived the old fashioned way. I never wanted kids but things changed in my life. I am glad I waited, however a few years earlier would have been nice. She is a blessing from God. I will say you get out what you put in. She makes my wife and me very happy. She completes our family. I know things can go south as she gets into the teen years, but I feel if mom and I stay very engaged in her life, she will surpass our expectations, as she has already as a 5 year old. My wife and I both plan to retire in a few more years and really involve ourselves even more in her life, full time, both parents. (We saved alot of money not having a bunch of kids early on in life). We are actually thinking of adopting one more now. Again, kids can make you happy, but I think you need to be a happy person to start with.

By SCY

July 24, 2008 7:13 PM | Link to this

The reason some of the respondents don’t like taking their children to the grocery store is because they have done a poor job of teaching their children how to behave and thus they run wild. Taking my children to the grocery store is no different than going anywhere else. My neighbor has 4 children 7 and under and they are well behaved, and help their mom at every turn.

By JustMe

July 24, 2008 7:56 PM | Link to this

Ok…I got tired of reading all the comments before I posted…

I have two girls, BOTH birth control pill babies….

I love my girls, and they are awesome, and yes they misbehave as kids usually do…

If you don’t want kids, awesome..more power to you! I think it is great you realize that ahead of time…and to follow through is even better…no hard feelings, and there are plenty of kids with bad parents….better to not have any

I originally said I never wanted kids….I love my girls, but if it had turned out differently, I can’t say I would be heartbroken…and that does not make me a callous mom…it just makes me realistic…kids were never originally “on the menu”

Do what ya gotta do…and to each their own, just don’t be bitter about it

By Nancy

July 24, 2008 8:19 PM | Link to this

Being childess means you have disposable income and free time to do as you please. Let’s face it, being a parent means you are TOTALLY responsible for nuturing and molding another human being, hopefully, into a loving, happy, productive, and responsible human being. Your time and money are no longer yours — if you are a loving and responsible parent. Being a parent is the toughest job any human being will ever have.

By Becky

July 25, 2008 7:03 AM | Link to this

I went a step further in bucking the system and never married! No kids and no husband…and I’m the happiest person I know. I care about others and live ethically and basically love my life.

By bobfromcanton

July 25, 2008 7:10 AM | Link to this

Nancy said it best. We have too many selfish people in this world that are more concerned with their possessions (which can be taken, lost, taxed away) then we are concerned with leaving something here that will make the planet better. Kids can be raised to not be brats and not be so selfish, but they learn these things from their parents! Yes, those that are selfish and try to compete for everything with their children. This doesn’t mean parenting is easy, it is not! But try to buck the trend and teach your children respect for authority, respect for others, and to be less selfish all around.

By dondee

July 25, 2008 7:39 AM | Link to this

To each their own, but I agree with the poster who never realized what it was like to have another life dependent on you and when you do you see how wonderful it is to be able to sacrifice and care about another person other than yourself. Having a child makes you less self-centered because there are sacrifices involved.

Is it hard? Yes, of course Are there days you want to not have anything to do with your kids? Perhaps. But, I have never, ever regretted my decision to have children, Mine are 21, almost 20 and 17 and they are the lights of my life. I would have them all over again and look forward to grandchildren (just not quite yet!)

By SaveOurRepublic

July 25, 2008 9:24 AM | Link to this

There are many good posts on here. On many AJC blogs, I don’t see much validity to various statements, but that’s not the case on this one. As a husband & father, I have tons of respect for all your good moms out there. Having 4 kids, I can definitely say they bring my wife & I tons of joy. After God, my family is my #2 priority (then work/career). I can respect those who don’t want kids for reasonable reasons & even understand those who don’t want kids for selfish reasons (to each their own).

That being said, allow me to impart some knowledge, for those duped by this “Green” rationale/argument for not having kids… you are playing right into the Elite’s nefarious agenda. I could further articulate here, but to avoid a mega-post, I’d strongly advise doing some basic research on eugenics, Malthusianism & the Ruling Elite’s global population & reduction agenda (via the “Green” movement, (tainted) vaccines, etc…

http://www.prisonplanet.com

By Bobby

July 25, 2008 2:33 PM | Link to this

I’ve suspected this all along! : ) One of the posts stated she knew at the age of 18 she wouldn’t have kids. I think I knew around 10. It was a decision which wasn’t hard. I knew at that time I didn’t want that life. As a 44 yr.old male I also know for me that could change. I realize it isn’t that simple for women. What I find is with so many people they have this idea the “must” have children to be completely whole. The reality is that simply isn’t true. We all do indeed have different paths. I see bringing another being into this world, the world we’ve created to be serious stuff. I also find sometimes people have children for very selfish reasons and before the child is born it has all these expectations heaved onto itself without having a say at all. We all make decisions, we make our choices, we live our lives. There is nothing wrong with simple self preservation. I think what we single individuals and couples find is that sometimes there is major antipathy from our friends with children. I think we also find somewhere deep in their existence, and they might not ever admit it, they sometimes want to be us.

By Real Talk

July 25, 2008 2:48 PM | Link to this

Melanie: ” loud, rude, dirty, disrespectful & a big money drain” You were a kid at one point in your life. Does that describe you or your husband? The kids you dislike are the same kids everyone else dislikes. You should really be mad at the parents because they allow their kids to act that way. If you don’t want kids, don’t have any. Just don’t give good kids a bad name because you have a chip on your shoulder.

If I could do it all over again…The grass always seems greener on the other side. I can’t say if I never had kids my life would be better. It could have been worse, who knows. I made a choice and I am happy with it. My children are an investment. I understand with investments come risks and I’m okay with that. Parenting is what you make of it. I don’t treat my kids like babies, I respect them as individuals. I don’t treat myself like I’m just a mom. I take care of me.
No one can make you have a child if you don’t want one. But dear Melanie, children are people and they do serve a purpose. Your life ends with your death, but life continues through my children, and grandchildren, and so on. Be confident in your choices without being hateful.

By nurse&mother

July 25, 2008 4:38 PM | Link to this

SCY- God has taught me a lesson to not be so judgemental. Before my son came along, I had a great child. I also was very critical of other parents. Whenever I saw an unruly child, I concluded it must be the parents (SOMETIMES that is case). When my son came along, he proved me wrong. I use the same parenting style. Well, I should say that I have had to modify it for the boy.

I am certainly not a perfect parent, but I make a huge effort to do the best I can. My 2.5 yo, has truly tried my parenting skills. At various times we have thought he may have some autistic tendencies. He came out of the womb strong willed and armed with a temper. He has gotten his behind busted (no marks, of course) as well as lots of time outs. I have read a few books and gotten a little advice from some professionals as well. He is making good progress.

Please don’t be so judgemental on all parents. If it looks like they are making a conscious effort to control their child, pleas cut them some slack. For all we know, that child may even be autistic.

By Becky

July 25, 2008 4:53 PM | Link to this

I have an older sister that used to say that when she had children, her’s would never do things that she had seen other kids do..Well guess what, she fould out that children have a mind of their own..Sometimes the “best” parents have unruly children,so until you have a child that throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the store no matter what you do, please don’t judge..Have any of you as adults never done something that you knew was wrong or that you had been told not to do???

By Copyleft

July 29, 2008 8:40 AM | Link to this

Well, duh, we keep having kids because pro-creation is what sustains the world.

So you have kids… out of a sense of DUTY???

By Mary

August 7, 2008 11:48 AM | Link to this

I hate when people say “it’s totally different if you have your own kids.” Well, duh. You have no choice. You can’t give them back. Please.