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DEL.ICIO.USMy very 18th century marriage
Some aspects of family life never seen to change. Do you see similarities in your marriage with that of John and Abigail Adams?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
For the last six weeks, my husband and I have been transported to the American Revolution through the HBO miniseries “John Adams.” The series, which airs its final chapter tonight, has taken viewers from John Adams’ famous defense of British soldiers tried for the Boston Massacre soldiers to the creation of the Declaration of Independence to his presidency and retirement.
While I know I’m supposed to be concentrating on the amazing confluence of events that allowed for the birth of this nation, all I can focus on each week is the relationship between John and Abigail Adams.
In between the eloquent speeches before Congress and the meetings with kings, we get glimpses of John and Abigail’s home life with their four children (two other babies died). Although more than 200 years ago, I was struck by how much John and Abigail’s family life was like ours.
Much like my own husband and many fathers I know, John was constantly leaving home on business. Granted he traveled to represent his colony before the Continental Congress or as a minister to France, but it doesn’t really matter what our husbands are doing when they’re gone — they’re still not home to help.
Abigail and the children missed him terribly. In one scene, a familiar one in our house, John woke up the children to say good-bye. John’s kids, much like our own, complained “Not again!” and wanted to know when their father would return.
While away, John and Abigail were prolific letter writers. However, while he was in France, there was a period of time in which he did not write. It reminded me of when my husband is away on business and doesn’t call. I don’t know if he’s just busy, cheating on me or dead. I think Abigail felt the same way.
Abigail struggled to run the house and care for her children. She was the perfect example of the “married, single mother,” we talk about today.
Yes, there was a paycheck coming in, but just like many woman I know today, Abigail was left to care for all aspects of home life — working, educating the children, feeding, bathing, and cleaning.
She struggled with protecting her children’s health. In one particularly upsetting scene, Abigail had to decide on her own (her husband was away on business, of course) whether to inoculate her children with a smallpox vaccine to try to prevent a more serious case of the deadly disease. It really resonated with me as many mothers today are still trying to decide if vaccines are the best way to protect their families.
Abigail and John also struggled with their expectations of their children. Their first son John Quincy turned out quite well. You may remember he too became president. However, younger brother Charles had his difficulties. He was bad with money and became an alcoholic. Hmm, think bommerang kids and rehab.
In one episode, John visited Charles who was living in drunken squalor and assailed him for embarrassing the family. Charles eventually was brought home and his mother was there to care for his alcohol addiction. After Charles died, John and Abigail were left to contemplate their treatment of their son. Did her coddling help? Was John’s tough love the way to go?
The one characteristic that I like best about their marriage was the way John consulted with Abigail. At a time when women were definitely seen as the less intelligent, less capable sex, John knew she was brilliant and relied on her. He confided in her and trusted her judgment. He treated her as his equal partner — an attribute that would benefit all marriages even in the 21st century.
Comments
By Lauren
April 21, 2008 8:49 AM | Link to this
This was such a good mini-series. Great column, Theresa. You are right, some things never change. Abigail Adams was such an impressive woman and no one knew this better than her husband. Their marriage was a true partnership. All the best marriages are.
By Ebaby
April 21, 2008 9:01 AM | Link to this
I havent seen the show but it sounds uplifting for families to see that some problems have existed forever and never change. Sometimes the best pick-me-up is knowing that you aren’t the only one going through a difficult time.
By Jesse's Girl
April 21, 2008 9:02 AM | Link to this
We’ve been watching from the very beginning too! While I was away, we would watch it together over the phone. Mr Jesse and I both noticed immense similarities in our two marriages. He has even taken to calling me Abigail when I offer work related advice. I found myself getting very angry…I was a little surprised at how strongly I felt it…during the France episode when he stopped his letters. It reminded me of how frightened and hurt I was during Mr Jesse’s trip to rural Mexico. I only had one call while he was there. He reminded me…”Darlin, there was only one toilet, DSL won’t visit them for a while”. Still though..it resounded quite viscerally with me, this show. I agree Theresa, the most successful marriages are indeed a partnership. I have no issues whatsoever with my marriage having 200 year old tendencies. I would love to see more relationships take on those qualities. My daughters and I watch “Little House on the Prairie”. And whenever I catch them showing their Laura Ingalls mentality….it makes me smile.
By nurse&mother
April 21, 2008 10:02 AM | Link to this
Just curious. How did the directors know so many details about the Adams family and their dialogue? I understand if they have letters from the two, but how do we know what John and Abigail would say or how they would act?
By Theresa
April 21, 2008 10:50 AM | Link to this
The miniseries was based on David McCullough’s biography of Adams — Here’s a link about the author and his books — http://www.electriceggplant.com/davidmccullough/author.htm
By Theresa
April 21, 2008 10:56 AM | Link to this
Nurse and Mother — It showed in last night’s final episode John Adams writing his autobiography — here are some excerpt from the Massachusetts Historical Society — maybe that is where McCullough pulled some of his more personal info http://www.masshist.org/digitaladams/aea/autobio/
I also want to add that last night’s episode was amazing — sooo sad — Their daughter Abigail contracted breast cancer — She had her breast removed!!!! but the cancer returns and she dies from it —- also sooo sad watching the deaths of Abigail, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams — Both Jefferson and Adams died On July 4 just hours from each other — crazy!! it was teh 50th anniversary of the DEclaration of Indepedence —
I think for kids the old musical version of the writing of Declaration might be good (school age maybe) — 1776 — Michael makes fun of me but I love this musical — It’s got the White Shadow in it (I really don’t know the actors name) and the guy wiht the mustache from Magnum — obviously a little kitchy compared to the HBO version but does nicely lay out the gist of the events
By Boris
April 21, 2008 11:23 AM | Link to this
Everything posted is correct except for one large omission: John & Abigail were considered fairly well off at the time. They risked their lives, sacred honor and fortune for the belief in a free America. If they failed, their heads would have been on a spike. The examples set by our Founding Fathers is nothing more than incredible. How many rich American’s today would risk everything to fight against an oppressive government? The Adams could have survived and lived a very comfortable life under British rule, but they risked it all for Revolution. The poignant question which should be asked is, would you be willing to risk your family, your standard of living and your life in order to lead a Revolution against an oppressive tyrannical government? Sadly, I doubt too many families who are doing well today would take such a risk.
By Jesse's Girl
April 21, 2008 12:04 PM | Link to this
Are you, Boris, doing anything to lead in this so called fight? How fantastic that now we don’t have to uproot ourselves or our families to fight for what we believe in..unless we so choose. Now we can campaign for the candidate we follow…as Mr Jesse and are doing presently. Or we can give our money to organizations we see fit to support. There are hundreds of ways to “fight” and lead as opposed to the very dramatic, albeit neccessary, way of the Adamses and Jefferson.
By DB
April 21, 2008 12:36 PM | Link to this
Which just goes to show, “The more things change, the more they remain the same …” :-)
By Jesse's Girl
April 21, 2008 12:40 PM | Link to this
Theresa…check you gmail…
By Lauren
April 21, 2008 1:07 PM | Link to this
You know, I love this blog, but it seems like no matter what the subject matter, we always get someone (usually more than one, unfortunately) like Boris who feels the need to come aboard and lecture us about what losers we are, how wrong we are or how we just don’t measure up. Why?? Do these people feel so frustrated in their lives that they have to use anonymous blogs as an outlet to scold, lecture, criticize and belittle people. JEEZ! Lighten up already.
By Boris
April 21, 2008 1:21 PM | Link to this
The cynical side of me wonders how many of America’s millionaires and billionaires today would risk it all for freedom - especially if they could keep earning a good living and provide for their family like the Adams were faced with. American’s today are rather apathetic; most people know more about American Idol than they do about the positions of the Presidential candidates. Sacrificing your family for your country is what our Founding Fathers endured and lived by example, as experienced by John Adams. I would suspect that most of the well-to-do in America today would not sacrifice hardly anything, especially if they were doing fine. I doubt they would risk their family or their income. A thesis of study in America today would be perhaps the reinstatement of the draft, mandating all children when they turn 18 sign up to serve. I suspect what you would see out of the upper class in America would be shocking. John & Abigail Adams set a good example for American families to follow. Hopefully I will not shudder when and if the times comes to rebel against government and risk everything.
By Lauren
April 21, 2008 2:02 PM | Link to this
Gee, Boris, tell me more. I had no idea about all this stuff until you came on today to enlighten me. It’s been a real edumacation. You are a true fountain of wisdon. Tell me something else we would not be good enough to do. There must be more of our selfishness and stupidity you could shine your beacon of truth upon. I can hardly wait until your next post. Facinating stuff!
By momtoAlex&Max
April 21, 2008 2:14 PM | Link to this
Don’t feed the troll people..it’ll only get bigger.
By Boris
April 21, 2008 2:31 PM | Link to this
I desire not to put people down but to shine a light on current premonitions. On a positive note: children should be taught a full sense of American history and “the reason why” certain events happened. Children should also be taught never to trust the government. At the correct age children should be taught to question all authority. My children and I read the Declaration of Independence every July 4th and I explain to them it is their duty to overthrow the government when it becomes destructive. We use history as an education example of the destructive nature of power, either economically or politically via mankind and how the lessons of the past are applicable today. I want to raise independent thinkers.
By Stacey
April 21, 2008 2:39 PM | Link to this
OT to Theresa…I just got an e-mail from ajc advertising the Momania Blog. Very cute! :-)
By Theresa
April 21, 2008 4:13 PM | Link to this
Hey stacey — email it to the gmail account — i haven’t seen it —
ajcmomania@gmail.com
thanks!
By motherjanegoose
April 21, 2008 4:40 PM | Link to this
This is NOT on topic but a timely reminder…our 2 year old schnauzer was in the front yard playing ball with our daughter yesterday, she saw a different stray dog at the end of the block and took off…a neighbor ( from another block)came down our street in a truck and ran over our precious baby killing her instantly. PLEASE watch where you are going…there are pets and more importantly children outside in the nice weather…watch out, it only takes a second!
By Jesse's Girl
April 21, 2008 4:59 PM | Link to this
Oh Motherjanegoose….I am so very sorry! I know if we lost our dog…I don’t even want to think about it. You and your’s are in my prayers.
By Lauren
April 21, 2008 6:24 PM | Link to this
Boris, I agree with you. I put a strong emphasis on education and understanding history as well. When you lecture a bunch of adults on this site, however, you are essentially saying that you think we don’t do as good a job as you or care in the same way you do. Don’t assume. We come on this site to talk about parenting issues, children and marriage as they relate. We don’t need a lecture about politics or history. I care deeply about both but not on this site. Stay on topic.
By Lauren
April 21, 2008 6:27 PM | Link to this
One more thing Boris, are you and your children in the process of overthrowing the government right now? Because under Bush it has certainly become destructive. Just curious.
By The Falconer
April 21, 2008 6:31 PM | Link to this
I find the comment about Abigail “coddling” their son Charles amusing. Abigail was a great writer and thinker but an overbearing mother who quite literally drove her own children crazy. She constantly chided them about needing to live up to their father’s great reputation and Charles appears to have given up hope of ever living up to unrealistic expectations and turned to drinking. Her daughter-in-law (J.Q. Adams spouse) couldn’t stand her. Abigail Adams was a great patriot, thinker and writer—unfortunately she wasn’t such a great mother.
By Steph
April 21, 2008 6:45 PM | Link to this
Falconer, I respectfully disagree about Abigail Adams. Just because a woman’s daughter-in-law does not like her does not mean she was a bad mother and just because her son is an alcoholic does not mean she was a bad mother either. Two sides to every story. Just sayin’.
By motherjanegoose
April 21, 2008 6:56 PM | Link to this
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers about our dog. We put our lab down in December as he had kidney failure and was over 14…we never thought we would lose a 2 year old. We will be looking for a new schnauzer…if anyone has any tips. We are dog people and cannot live without one.
By irate redhead
April 29, 2008 9:11 AM | Link to this
motherjanegoose Atlanta Pet and Rescue atlantapetrescue, my favorite no-skill shelter, currently has two schnauzers up for adoption. We have adopted from them before and really support their work.
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