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March 2008
Cure tantrums like cavemen
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Our daughter has only just turned 1, but already we are seeing a little of the Terrible Twos.
She’s very physical and independent. She wants to put on her own shoes, wants to hold the leash to walk the dog and wants to color with markers just like big brother and sister. But she can’t always accomplish everything she wants to do and that leads to frustration and anger.
Neither of my other two children were throw-themselves-on-the-ground-and-kick-their-legs-kind of complainers, but this usually sweet little girl is. She flops her whole body down on the living room carpet and kicks her legs in the air and cries.
At this point it’s kind of funny to watch — she’s so tiny and so mad. It’s not extreme or out of control —yet — but it is definitely the beginning of a temper tantrum.
My husband recently sent me a New York Times story entitled “Coping with the Caveman in the Crib.” I was intrigued.
The gist of the story was about Dr. Harvey Karp’s theories on tantrums and how toddlers are actually not like little people but like cavemen. (He’s famous for his book “The Happiest Baby on the Block.” This theory is from “The Happiest Toddler on the Block.”)
Dr. Karp’s web site explains, “Cavemen were stubborn, opinionated, and not too verbal. They bit and spat when angry, were sloppy eaters, hated to wait in line, and were negative, tenacious, distractible, and impatient…sound familiar?”
“It’s a comical image, but comparing little kids to primitives is no joke. Dr. Karp argues that toddlers can only be understood by taking one giant step…backward! During three short years, toddlers zoom through the major achievements of almost 5 million years of human evolution: walking, talking, tool making, and problem solving.”
Dr. Karp says toddlers’ brains are emotional and instinctive. They are definitely not logical and so logic won’t work to console them.
He wants parents to bring themselves mentally and physically to the child’s level. He doesn’t want the parents to give in to their demands but he wants them to use the toddler’s language — “toddler-ese.”
“Stick with one- to three-word phrases (three to five words for verbal toddlers). Second, repeat those phrases over and over. Young children often need five to ten repetitions to get their attention and focus on what you are saying,” explains his Web site.
“Finally, be an actor. How you say your words is even more important than what you say. Match your tone of voice, facial expressions, and body gestures to her level of emotion. Pout, wave your arms, furrow your brow and dramatically echo her complaints to show you understand exactly how your toddler feels.”
So what exactly should you say? Here’s an example off his Web page, “Imagine your 18-month-old is standing at the door, screaming to go outside. Don’t just squash his hopes by telling him why he can’t go (‘It’s raining’). First, acknowledge his feelings …in his own energetic language. Say in Toddler-ese, ‘You say, ‘Go, Mommy. Go! Go!’ You want out, now! Out! Out! Out! You’re bored, bored, bored!’ With gestures and a dramatic tone repeatedly echo his feelings. Once your irate little caveman realizes that you truly understand his whining and wailing will noticeably diminish. That’s the signal that it’s your turn. That he’s ready to hear your reasons, reassurance, options, etc.”
The Times reporter reviewed his DVD and confirms the method works. “Within seconds, teary-eyed toddlers calm and look at him quizzically as he repeats their concerns back at them. Once the child has calmed, a parent can explain the reason for saying no, offer the child comfort and a happy alternative to the original demand.”
Besides just making life easier for adults, some doctors believe Karp’s methods can prevent child abuse that occurs when parents get frustrated and can’t convince their child to do what they what. In fact, several government agencies, as well as the leaders of Prevent Child Abuse America, have endorsed his methods.
Do you buy into Dr. Karp’s theory? Would you babble like a caveman to help calm your child? What other secret weapons do you have to fight tantrums? Share with us at ajc.com/momania.
Permalink | Comments (42) | Post your comment | Categories: Family Life
Have you fought insurance company for kids?
One father flooded his insurance company with emails to ensure daughter’s continued care.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Have you ever had to fight with the insurance company to make sure you got the care your child needed?
A father recently waged an email war to convince his insurance company to continue to pay for inpatient care for his recently disabled 2-year-old daughter. More than 300 emails were sent in two days. Here’s the full story.
“Maia Moore, 2, has been rehabilitating since suffering an aneurysm in September that nearly ended her life,” according to the Newhouse News story.
“Her father, Jeremy Moore, of Grand Rapids, claims moving the toddler home goes against recommendations from Maia’s doctors at Mary Free Bed.”
“His technological push appeared to pay off.”
“Officials at Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan issued an apology for the ‘miscommunication’ and began paperwork to cover the remaining two weeks of inpatient care Maia’s doctors recommended.”
” ‘That’s the difference between 110 (inpatient) therapy appointments and 10 outpatient appointments,’ Moore said, describing the additional care Maia can receive while staying at Mary Free Bed. ‘We weren’t trying to wage war. We were just saying it’s not an insurance company’s place to dictate what happens.’ ”
“A spokesman for Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan said payment for Maia’s treatment never was in jeopardy and said there was ‘confusion’ with the hospital.”
Have you ever fought your insurance company to cover something for your child? If so, what? Were you successful?
Permalink | Comments (37) | Post your comment | Categories: Health
You broke what?
What parts of their bodies did your kids break and when? What were the worst breaks to deal with?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We got a call Sunday night from our good friend. Her son (Walsh’s best little buddy) had been careening down their driveway on his bike trying to nail his cousin when he flipped over and broke his arm. They spent Easter night in the ER.
They put a splint on first and told her to wait several days to let all the swelling go down before taking him to an orthopedic surgeon to set the arm and put it in a cast.
We haven’t had any little people break anything yet but I remember it being handled differently when my brother broke his arm. The regular pediatrician set it and did the cast, and they did it the day he broke it. I guess the process has changed in 20 years.
His mom was just giving Motrin because he wasn’t complaining, but when she did give him his pain medication he really perked up. I think as parents, we are reluctant to use any type of major drug but apparently the little guy needed it. I was surprised by how listless he was from his injury (before the good meds.)
Have your kids/teens broken anything? What are the worst bones to break? How did they handle setting the bone? Does anyone know why that process has changed? Did you use pain medication? How long did they need to stay on it?
Permalink | Comments (16) | Post your comment | Categories: Health
How do you handle jerky comments from family?
Biting criticisms aimed at an infant hurt mom’s feelings
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Ahh, the holidays — the perfect time for families to get together and pick on each other.
While our holiday celebration was pretty much contention free, I heard from my girlfriend Monday morning who took one heck of a beating Easter at the hands of her family.
She and her husband took their 6-month old baby to her parents’ house for a large Easter celebration. Her sibling who has a baby about the same age kept laying into her about what a fat baby she had, how the baby was eating too much and she was feeding her too often. (I saw the child several weeks ago, and she is perfect.)
Meanwhile, my friend’s elderly grandmother also chimed in with advice on how to remedy her “fat” baby. She told her to cut her formula with water so she would be getting fewer calories. (My friend is breastfeeding.)
She was very upset that her family was attacking her small baby and wished they would just keep their opinions to themselves. It pretty much ruined the holiday for her and hurt her feelings.
I gave her several options for how to handle future comments, but I wanted her to hear about your experiences and how you’ve handled rude and opinionated family members.
What do you say to the elderly family member? What do you say to siblings who are rude about your children (maybe out of jealously, or maybe they’re just jerks)? How do you protect your child from hurtful family members?
Permalink | Comments (61) | Post your comment | Categories: Family Life
Appreciating family Sundays provided by ‘Mom’
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My mom recently told me that each week she reads my column just to find out what I think she did wrong raising me. Apparently, I point fingers and complain a lot.
But this week, I would like to send my mother a little praise instead.
As Easter has approached, I’ve been remembering and admiring the way my family spent Sundays when I was a child. They were restful, relaxing, family-focused, and we still managed to get to church and Sunday school on time.
My mom would wake us up to a hot breakfast (usually grits and eggs), lay out our clothes and have us in the car in plenty of time to be seated before the first hymn.
She was meticulous about our outfits. We dressed up every single week. My brother wore little suits. I always had a freshly pressed dress with my hair actually styled, not just shoved up into a pony tail.
We would attend Sunday school and church as a family. When we would come home after church, the entire house smelled of fragrant roasted chicken or ham almost ready in the oven. We’d change into our play clothes and gather back downstairs for a large Sunday lunch with biscuits, veggies and often pan-gravy. We’d have the rest of the day to spend time together and play.
Sadly, my own family’s Sundays have been less than a day of rest this year.
Our Sunday breakfast usually consists of fruit or cold cereal being served as my husband and I run in and out of the kitchen in various states of undress. Two weeks ago we were running so late, I handed the older children bananas and those packages of peanut butter crackers that you can buy from vending machines as they climbed into the back seat. (The baby had nursed earlier so she was OK.)
And as far as clothes go, I’m afraid I’ve taken on my cousin’s theory of church dressing. As long as you’re clean, God doesn’t care what you have on. We do get dressy some weeks, but most often the girls wear comfortable cotton school dresses and leggings (Rarely tights — I hate tights!) and khakis for my son. We look tidy but not particularly fancy.
Between our commute to church, an hour and 15 minutes of Sunday school, the 45-minute wait between Sunday school and church and then finally church, which always runs long, we’re looking at about a 4.5-hour commitment on Sunday mornings. (It’s the same church I attended as a child, but the schedule used to be more efficient for families attending both Sunday school and church.) It makes for a very long day.
We usually get home from church after 1:30 p.m. so by that point everyone is starving. The oven in our new-to-us house is 25 years old and until we buy new appliances there won’t be anything roasting without me being present. This means we either eat leftovers or have a stressful meal wrangling three kids at a crowded restaurant.
By the time we’re done with it all, we’re exhausted and grouchy.
I was reminiscing about these former Sundays with my husband driving home from church last week and I said to him, “Sundays were just so restful.” And he said, “Maybe for you, but not for your mom.”
I’m a terrible daughter because this thought had never occurred to me before — even after seven years of getting my own children to church and failing to recreate in any way the Sundays my mom pulled off.
I never thought about how early my mom had to get up to make eggs to order or how tired she must have been after teaching Sunday school but yet she came home and finished our hearty lunch.
It’s terrible that I didn’t appreciate until now how much work she was doing behind the scenes to give us such a lovely family day.
As we gather at my mother’s house today to celebrate Easter, I promise to do a better job helping and maybe for once, Sunday will feel restful to her too.
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Ugh: Communicating with my tantrumming toddler
Buy theory that a child developmentally is like a caveman? How do you calm a child and fight tantrums?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Our daughter has only just turned 1, but already we are seeing a little of the Terrible Twos.
She’s very physical and independent. She wants to put on her own shoes, wants to hold the leash to walk the dog and wants to color with markers just like big brother and sister. But she can’t always accomplish everything she wants to do and that leads to frustration and anger.
Neither of my other two children were throw-themselves-on-the-ground-and-kick-their-legs-kind of complainers, but this usually sweet little girl is. She flops her whole body down on the living room carpet and kicks her legs in the air and cries. At this point it’s kind of funny to watch — she’s so tiny and so mad. It’s not extreme or out of control —yet — but it is definitely the beginning of a temper tantrum.
My husband recently sent me a New York Times story entitled “”Coping with the Caveman in the Crib”.” I was intrigued.
The gist of the story was about Dr. Harvey Karp’s theories on tantrums and how toddlers are actually not like little people but like cavemen. (He’s famous for his book “The Happiest Baby on the Block.” This theory is from “The Happiest Toddler on the Block.”)
Dr. Karp’s web site explains, “Cavemen were stubborn, opinionated, and not too verbal. They bit and spat when angry, were sloppy eaters, hated to wait in line, and were negative, tenacious, distractible, and impatient…sound familiar?”
“It’s a comical image, but comparing little kids to primitives is no joke. Dr. Karp argues that toddlers can only be understood by taking one giant step…backward! During three short years, toddlers zoom through the major achievements of almost 5 million years of human evolution: walking, talking, tool making, and problem solving.”
Dr. Karp says toddlers’ brains are emotional and instinctive. They are definitely not logical and so logic won’t work to console them.
He wants parents to bring themselves mentally and physically to the child’s level. He doesn’t want the parents to give in to their demands but he wants them to use the toddler’s language — “toddler-ese.” “Stick with one- to three-word phrases (three to five words for verbal toddlers). Second, repeat those phrases over and over. Young children often need five to ten repetitions to get their attention and focus on what you are saying,” explains his Web site.
“Finally, be an actor. How you say your words is even more important than what you say. Match your tone of voice, facial expressions, and body gestures to her level of emotion. Pout, wave your arms, furrow your brow and dramatically echo her complaints to show you understand exactly how your toddler feels.”
So what exactly should you say? Here’s an example off his Web page, “Imagine your 18-month-old is standing at the door, screaming to go outside. Don’t just squash his hopes by telling him why he can’t go (‘It’s raining’). First, acknowledge his feelings …in his own energetic language. Say in Toddler-ese, ‘You say, ‘Go, Mommy. Go! Go!’ You want out, now! Out! Out! Out! You’re bored, bored, bored!’ With gestures and a dramatic tone repeatedly echo his feelings. Once your irate little caveman realizes that you truly understand his whining and wailing will noticeably diminish. That’s the signal that it’s your turn. That he’s ready to hear your reasons, reassurance, options, etc.”
The Times reporter reviewed his DVD and confirms the method works. “Within seconds, teary-eyed toddlers calm and look at him quizzically as he repeats their concerns back at them. Once the child has calmed, a parent can explain the reason for saying no, offer the child comfort and a happy alternative to the original demand.”
Besides just making life easier for adults, some doctors believe Karp’s methods can prevent child abuse that occurs when parents get frustrated and can’t convince their child to do what they what. In fact, several government agencies, as well as the leaders of Prevent Child Abuse America, have endorsed his methods.
Permalink | Comments (0) | Post your comment |
Where to find best backyard jungle gyms?
How much do you have to spend to get a safe, fun play set that will hold up under three kids?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
So we’re finally ready to invest in a good backyard play set for the kids. We’re looking for the basic stuff — swings, fort on top, slide, maybe a climbing wall, maybe a sand box (or tire swing — they seem to swap out). I started investigating this last summer and just felt overwhelmed by the number of choices and gave up. So now that it’s spring time and the kids want to play outside, I’m back working on it.
Here are my questions:
How do you know how much you need to spend to get a safe set that will stand the test of time? The Toys ’R’ Us sets are much less expensive than the stores specifically selling play sets but does that mean they are less sturdy? Less fun? Less safe?
Are there any stores or brands that you have had good experiences with? Moms need to know where you have found quality equipment and where you have regretted your decision to buy. We need installation also, so we want a place that not only sells a solid play set at a good price, but can also install it safely.
What should the play sets be made of? One site says cedar is bad and southern yellow pine is the best material — any experience with this?
Also what about the roofs on those little forts? Do you want wood? Do you want the tarp-looking ones? And what about color — green, brown, yellow?
Do you have to put the mulch down? I know they all recommend it but I hate to the kill the grass we inherited when we moved in.
What about in-ground installation versus above ground? We have a slight incline but not much of one — do we need in-ground?
What equipment do the kids end up liking the longest? What will stand the test of time?
Here are some sites I’ve been looking at during my search:
King of Swings — My friend just bought her set from them and she’s happy with it.
Rainbow Play — They are beautiful, but they seem really expensive.
Give me all your best advice. I really need guidance on sorting this all out.
Permalink | Comments (29) | Post your comment | Categories: Family Life
Should boys take Gardasil to protect girls from cancer?
The cervical cancer vaccine will soon be approved for boys. They can’t get cervical cancer, but it would help protect the women they have sex with later.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We had several side discussions last week about whether mothers will be giving their daughters the Gardasil vaccine to help prevent cervical cancer. (Here’s the link to the side discussion — it looks like Kat’s 11:02 comment is the first mention.)
Gardasil helps protect women from the human papillomavirus (H.P.V.), which is sexually transmitted. The vaccine is approved for girls as young as 9 but is recommended for 11 to 12 year olds.
The upside being the vaccine helps prevent cervical cancer. The downside being it’s acknowledging that at some point in the future your young sweet daughter will probably be having sex.
Up until now, it’s only been moms of girls that have been faced with this quandary but according to a recent New York Times story moms of boys will soon have to address the issue as well. (Here’s the full story.)
The New York Times reports, “By 2009, the vaccine could be approved for boys as well. Although Gardasil also protects against genital warts, which are not life-threatening, the primary reason to extend approval to boys would be to slow the rates of cervical cancer. Public health folks charmlessly call this ‘herd immunity.’ ”
“Will parents of sons consent to a three-shot regimen that has been marketed as benefiting girls? How do you pitch that to Gardasil Boy’s parents?”
“Think altruism. Responsibility. Chivalry, even? Oh, and yes: some explicit details about genital warts and sexual transmission.”
So the question is: Moms of boys — will you vaccinate your boys to help protect the girls?
Permalink | Comments (49) | Post your comment | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Is the Easter Bunny a hard sell?
It’s tough to convince kids that Santa Claus is real, but the Bunny may be a lost cause.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A giant hopping bunny that is able to visit every house in the world in one night? Really.
This was basically the argument a first-grade friend of ours gave her parents last Christmas. She was willing to buy into Santa Claus after seeing him on the radar screen on the NORAD Web site, but then she looked at her parents and said something to the effect of, “But you expect me to believe that there is a giant bunny hopping around to everyone’s house on the night before Easter leaving candy all around the world.”
Her parents were like “Umm, yes.”
Poor Easter Bunny. He doesn’t even have a sleigh or magic reindeer to help get around. He’s just got his little legs hopping down that bunny trail! And where are his helpful little elves? Nada. Nothing. Poor Bunny is all on his own.
The Easter Bunny is a tough sell in this cynical world where we’re lucky if kids believe in Santa past the first grade. What do you do or say to sell the Easter Bunny story? Does it matter to you if they give up believing in the Easter Bunny? How does not believing in the Easter Bunny affect their belief in Santa (or the Tooth Fairy even)? Is it like a house of cards? If one card goes they all do?
(P.S. I know that Easter is about much more important things than the Bunny so please don’t come on here yelling about how I don’t know the meaning of Easter. I got it. I just happen to be asking about the Bunny today.)
Permalink | Comments (52) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Minivan can make for a hot date
Leaving parent role behind. Difficult to transform from mom back to wife?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
For a while after our third child was born, my husband and I were perfectly content just hanging out at home, folding clothes, watching TV and taking care of our three children. We’d go out to kid-friendly events and places, but adult-only dates were not a priority.
Well a year later, we’ve reached our limit, and we’re ready to rejoin the grown-up world. We need to go out — look like adults, talk like adults and be child-free!
Since the baby arrived, we have literally only had one date — a dinner dance at the church in October, and we had to leave early because the baby wouldn’t stop crying for my mother.
So for my husband’s birthday, my parents agreed to keep all three kids so we could go out to a special dinner. But breaking away from our stereotypical suburban mommy and daddy roles wasn’t as easy as just making the reservation.
Here’s how our big date went:
We had been holding onto a $100 gift card to the Buckhead Life Restaurant Group for more than a year. I finally made a reservation to use it at Bluepointe for 6 p.m. We had to be home by 9:30 p.m. to put the baby to bed. We knew we’d be hanging with the blue hairs for the early bird special.
Before we could be finally be alone as a couple, we had a busy day of parenting to tackle. I worked for hours that morning making my daughter’s first birthday cake and icing from scratch. That afternoon, we attended a birthday party for a good friend. Luckily, our son’s soccer game was rained out.
By the time we got home from the party, we had 40 minutes to dress, pack and drop off the kids. I had to nurse the baby, pump milk and then pull myself together beyond my normal no makeup, wild hair, stained shirt appearance.
My 6-year-old daughter was watching me search for lipstick when she smiled and said, “Oh I get it. You want to look beautiful for Daddy for your date.” I mumbled, “Well as good as I can look in 15 minutes.”
We took the minivan to drop the kids off so we were stuck with it for the night. Our only option would have been to borrow one of my parents’ cars, but I don’t think showing up in a Buick Park Avenue would have made us feel any cooler.
We got to the restaurant and tried to park in a nearby garage, but it was closed for the weekend.
We both knew what that meant — we were going to have to roll up outside one of the nicest restaurants in town in our minivan. Now, this vehicle costs us more than a basic Mercedes, and we shouldn’t be embarrassed. But you know the 19-year-old valet isn’t impressed by the ample seating, kids DVD player and cargo room. He’s thinking — “How sad, Mr. and Mrs. Soccer Mom come to town for the night.”
I don’t generally care what I’m driving or what other people think about what I am driving, but when you’re trying to shed the mom and dad image for the night, there’s nothing like a judgmental valet to put you back in your place.
I actually thought about heading back home and getting in line at Red Lobster, where at least we wouldn’t be embarrassed. Instead, we quickly cleaned up the car, throwing the Teen Titans DVD, subtraction flashcards, two children’s jackets, my make up bag and some Mardi Gras beads to the back of the van. We picked up 43 cents in change (mostly pennies) and brushed crushed up baby rice snacks out the passenger’s side door.
I never get to drink and my husband — who imbibes some on business trips — agreed to be the driver for the night. The martini actually made me not think about the kids for a few minutes and enjoy myself. Just a few minutes, though. The folks at Bluepointe apparently don’t want the early diners to prevent the dinner rush from getting seated. We sat down at 6, and by 7 we had been served all three courses.
Suddenly, we had time to kill, and I was just drunk enough to do something fun. We thought about going to a bar, or even trying to catch the movie, “Juno,” but my husband had a different idea.
“You know, we do have the minivan, and it has stow-and-go seating.”
What is the right age to go to a spend-the-night party?
We’ve gotten our first invitation to spend the night, but it just seems too early to me.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We have been issued our first invitation to a spend-the-night party. We may go for the first half of the party but there’s no way in heck my 6-year-old is spending the night. (The mom throwing the party acknowledged in the invitation that some might not feel comfortable and could pick up that night.)
We don’t know this family very well so that does figure into the picture, but it just seems like they’re a little too young for this type of party. (A couple of you were talking about this in the lying discussion last week.)
I remember 5th and 6th grade as being the big years for spend-the-night-parties. Have things changed so much now? Do they really start in the first grade?
When did your kids start having spend-the-night parties? Is there a right age for this and how do you know when that is?
Permalink | Comments (46) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
How do you know what to believe about the causes of autism?
How do you evaluate all the theories about the causes of autism and decide how to best protect your kids?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The CDC tells us not to worry about vaccines causing autism, yet the federal government is settling a lawsuit with a local Georgia family who believes vaccines were a factor in their daughter’s autism.
Other theories of what causes autism include: Hereditary, biological triggers and more recently the question of whether the Back-To-Sleep campaign has contributed to the increase.
Here are some stats on autism from the Autism Society of America that we do know:
1 in 150 births
1 to 1.5 million Americans
Fastest-growing developmental disability
10 - 17 % annual growth
Growth comparison during the 1990s:
U.S. population increase: 13%
Disabilities increase: 16%
Autism increase: 172%
$90 billion annual cost
90% of costs are in adult services
Cost of lifelong care can be reduced by 2/3 with early diagnosis and intervention
In 10 years, the annual cost will be $200-400 billion
How do you as a parent sort through all this information to decide how to best take care of your child?
Permalink | Comments (64) | Categories: Health
Would you hire a posh party planner for kids?
For $600 to $1,400, two local moms will take care of all the party details for you.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
People use party planners for weddings, anniversary, charity events, and apparently kids’ parties as well.
Check out this story and photo gallery about a recent posh tea party thrown for a local 3-year-old by Marietta-based party planners Posh Tot Events.
The party included custom-made cupcakes, satin gift bags, tea served on real china, sushi and pizza. Cinderella showed up as well.
The company was started by two local moms who left corporate careers to raise their families. They both had been interested in wedding planning, but realized there was an opportunity in upscale children’s parties. The parties range in price from $600 to $1,400 for 10 children.
While the party looked lovely, I like to plan my kids’ parties myself. I think it’s fun to be creative and so do most of my friends. In my little circle, it would almost be embarrassing if you didn’t do it yourself.
What do you think: Do you enjoy planning and executing your children’s birthday parties? Would you hire a party planner to do the event? How much would you be willing to pay?
Permalink | Comments (51) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Benefits to being child No. 3
Did your later-borns learn faster than the first-borns? What special skills did they pick up from their elder sibs?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When we decided to add a third child to our family, we worried she would get lost in the shuffle. We worried she would be dragged around to and from the other kids’ activities. We worried we wouldn’t be able to give her all the individual attention she needed. We worried she would suffer from being the last.
Our baby girl turned 1 this week, and what we’ve learned during this past year is there are many upsides to being No. 3. Far from suffering, she has actually benefited greatly from having two older siblings.
First and foremost, this baby knows she is loved not just by two people, but by four. She knows mommy and daddy adore her, but brother and sister also hold her, hug her and tell her often how much they love her.
She lights up when Rose gets off the school bus. She smiles and squeals when she sees Rose walk across the street. And, as soon as I put her down in the house, she toddles over to hug her sister’s legs. She’s thrilled to see her big sister and her sister is just as happy to be home with her.
Her 4-year-old brother hugs her so hard I’m afraid he’s going to hurt her. They roll around on the ground like little puppies. When she wakes up in the morning, Walsh rushes into her room to greet her. He hands her toys through the crib and entertains her until I can get to her. She loves his antics.
Besides more people to give her affection, she also has benefited intellectually and physically. I worried our third wouldn’t learn as quickly or as much as our other two because our time would be fragmented. But, we’ve actually found the opposite. Because she is observing two other little people all the time, she is mimicking and picking up skills way before they did.
She watches bath time intently. She tries to help wash her body and her hair. She understands how to squirt out her baby lotion and spread it on her tummy. She rubs her little palms all over her belly. She picks up big sister’s hairbrush and runs it over her bald little head. Then she reaches over to groom me as well.
She understands where socks, shirts and even underwear go (even though she’s obviously still in diapers.) She likes to help dress herself offering up feet and arms when appropriate. But she also likes to play dress up. After raiding my underwear drawer, she plops down on the floor and pulls my giant underwear onto her little legs.
She hears us tell the other two every night how to brush their teeth, and she has internalized it. She loves her toothbrush and wants to scrub her little teeth just like them.
Because the baby constantly hears books being read, now she opens up her board books and points to words and makes noises like she’s reading. She’s not just pointing to pictures. She understands from watching her siblings that those black shapes mean something, and they usually involve us talking.
Writing is also a constant topic at our house. With a 6-and a 4-year old, we are often working on penmanship and again the baby is privy to it all. One of her favorite games is to hold a pen and draw. And I swear she’s holding it almost as well as the 4-year-old.
A technophile at 1, she wants to be on the computer like the rest of us. She fights me for the mouse and tries to type. She sees us use remote controls, cell phones, and digital cameras and wants to operate them all.
Outside, she’s also picking up playground skills from her sibs. She chases basketballs and wants desperately to put it through the hoop like big brother. And the Little Tykes Cozy Coup isn’t quite cutting it for her when she sees them zoom by on their big bikes.
I can’t imagine what the next year will hold for us. But I’m sure she’ll still be learning a lot from big brother and big sister and will continue to benefit from being No. 3.
Why do kids lie?
New research reveals a majority of teens are lying (often) and learning it from their parents.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A Penn State researcher, Nancy Darling, wanted to discover why kids lie and how often they are doing it. She and some undergraduate students interviewed local high school students at a pizza joint. They discovered through their research that 98 percent of the teens reported lying to their parents. Their finding was consistent with other national research.
A recent (long, but worth your time) article in New York magazine offers amazing insight into why kids lie and where they learn the skill.
Here are a few highlights from the article (Here’s the whole article):
“It starts very young. Indeed, bright kids—those who do better on other academic indicators—are able to start lying at 2 or 3. ‘Lying is related to intelligence,’ explains Dr. Victoria Talwar, an assistant professor at Montreal’s McGill University and a leading expert on children’s lying behavior.”
“… A child who is going to lie must recognize the truth, intellectually conceive of an alternate reality, and be able to convincingly sell that new reality to someone else. Therefore, lying demands both advanced cognitive development and social skills that honesty simply doesn’t require.”
“The truth, according to Talwar, is that kids grow into it. In studies where children are observed in their natural environment, a 4-year-old will lie once every two hours, while a 6-year-old will lie about once every hour and a half. Few kids are exceptions.”
(Four-year-olds most often lie to avoid punishment, the article reports.)
“By the time a child reaches school age, the reasons for lying become more complex. Avoiding punishment is still a primary catalyst for lying, but lying also becomes a way to increase a child’s power and sense of control—by manipulating friends with teasing, by bragging to assert status, and by learning he can fool his parents.”
“The most disturbing reason children lie is that parents teach them to. According to Talwar, they learn it from us. ‘We don’t explicitly tell them to lie, but they see us do it. They see us tell the telemarketer, ‘I’m just a guest here.’ They see us boast and lie to smooth social relationships.’ ”
“Consider how we expect a child to act when he opens a gift he doesn’t like. We instruct him to swallow all his honest reactions and put on a polite smile.”
So what should parents do?
“According to Talwar, parents need to teach kids the worth of honesty, just like George Washington’s father did, as much as they need to say that lying is wrong.”
“Ironically, the type of parents who are actually most consistent in enforcing rules are the same parents who are most warm and have the most conversations with their kids,” Darling observes. They’ve set a few rules over certain key spheres of influence, and they’ve explained why the rules are there. They expect the child to obey them. Over life’s other spheres, they supported the child’s autonomy, allowing them freedom to make their own decisions.”
The researchers also found that parents should allow their teens to disagree and argue with them. While parents saw this as destructive to the relationship, teens saw it as getting a chance to argue their case, which in turn made them less likely to lie.
Do you think your kids and teens lie? How often? How often do you lie? Do you tell the little white lies that don’t seem to matter but apparently influence our children to lie? Will this research influence you to change your parenting in regards to lying?
Permalink | Comments (75) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
How to help Tweens blossom without growing too fast?
A Dad is panicked as he sees posters of boys go up and princesses go down.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I was emailing with a friend of mine recently who is a Dad to a fourth-grade girl. He has lots of concerns as she’s entering these tough Tween years and wanted some advice on how to handle things. I told him I had no idea (we’re not there yet), and I would throw it out to you guys!
Here’s what he wrote: “… I am panicked for the first time since just before/immediately after the birth.”
“For example, now we can’t just buy jeans - they have to be special jeans. Also, somehow she knows how to text message …”
“Thankfully (and scarily) girls still employ the use of the dependable old paper cube that has multiple folded angles/corners which are labeled with numbers, colors, etc. As you probably remember, friends are supposed to pick there favorite color/number and then, through a series of mystical shuffles of the hand-puppet paper cube, some all-knowing fortune is foretold. Now however, instead of your preferred princess or cuddly animal as the answer, I accidentally discovered BOYS names, future professions, the kind of house you will live in after you are married, etc.”
He reports that posters of male pop stars are going up on the walls and princesses are being taken down. His sweet wife has even put a Hannah Montana ring tone of her cell phone for their daughter.
So I think what he’s wondering is how do help them without holding them back but without letting them run too fast? What types of things are acceptable at what age? What were scary signs to you of the things to come?
Permalink | Comments (17) | Categories: Health
Does stigma of free lunch keep kids from eating?
Across the country, students are skipping lunch so they don’t have to reveal they can’t afford it. How does your school handle free lunches?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In San Francisco, only 37 percent of the high school students eligible for subsidized meals eat them. In New York City, the number is only slightly higher at 40 percent.
Why would students not take advantage of a free meal if it is available? Because it’s not cool.
A New York Times story reports, that across the country kids and teens are going without food instead of revealing to classmates their financial circumstances. Here’s the full story.
The story says, “Many districts have a dual system … : one line, in the cafeteria, for government-subsidized meals (also available to students who pay) and another line for mostly snacks and fast-food for students with cash, in another room, down the hall and around the corner. Most of the separation came into being in response to a federal requirement that food of minimal nutritional value not be sold in the same place as subsidized meals — which have to meet certain nutritional standards.”
What are some solutions?
In San Francisco, officials are looking at introducing cashless cafeterias that use debit cards or punch codes so everyone checks out the same. It would also only offer one line of food to all students so their choices wouldn’t expose them.
I don’t know what is happening at our local high school, but our elementary school already uses a debit card type system. Parents put cash into an online account and the card is swiped in the line. As far as I can tell when I’ve eaten lunch with my daughter no one knows who is paying or who is not. They also only have one line to choose from.
It’s terribly upsetting to me that these kids and teens are missing out on one or potentially two (if they are eating breakfast at school) meals a day. Besides missing the nourishment that they need, you have to think not eating would affect their learning as well. Hungry children can’t concentrate as well as full ones.
What is happening at your school? How do they handle the lunch lines? Can their peers tell if they are getting a subsidized lunch?
Permalink | Comments (229) | Categories: Education
Up for this marriage challenge?
Could you have sex for 30 consecutive days? Do you think it would improve your marriage?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A church in Florida wanted to help married couples deal with the major problems in their lives: money and sex.
The church set up a financial series to help address the fiduciary issues.
And, for their sexual problems, the church challenged the married couples to have sex at least once a day for 30 continuous days. The challenge began in mid-February.
The pastor of the Relevant Church in Tampa, Fla., says that God wants married couples to have sex. His church believes that by increasing intimacy the couples will increase communication. The theory is if the couples have sex for 30 days then sex would become a habit.
This is normally the part of the column where I write about my own experiences, but my husband has begged me not to write about our sex life. So instead, I talked to five metro-area moms to see what they thought of the 30-Day Sex Challenge and if they thought it would improve their marriages. All of the moms I spoke with have been married at least 10 years and all have at least two kids.
The first mom I talked to (let’s call her Mom A) couldn’t stop laughing when I told her the concept. “Well, that would get old after Day 1,” she quipped. “Let’s see Monday night is TV. Tuesday is laundry. Let me tell you all the other reasons why we don’t.” She said he needs to get to her by 8 p.m. if there’s a chance of sex, but that means stopping their daily chores. For example, the other night they chose to work on their taxes instead of having sex. (They’re getting a refund.)
All the women I talked with agreed that their husbands would like to have more sex. However, the wives cited tiredness, chores and, oddly, feeling full after dinner as reasons why they didn’t. They also mentioned being touched all day by their children so they didn’t want to be touched at night.
Many of the women thought the 30 days would be like when they were trying to get pregnant.
Mom B, who is currently pregnant with her third child, said “I’m having a hard time getting my mind around it. Is it going to be like when you’re trying for a baby? Is the goal just to get it accomplished even if you’re not into it?”
Mom B also had logistical issues with the idea of planning on having sex for 30 days. For example, she said, the other night her daughter came into their bedroom and threw up in the bed. She said that would pretty much ruin any sex plans that night.
The biggest upside Mom B saw to having sex every night was that she would be sure to get her kids to bed on time and her family would be on a tighter schedule.
Another mom (Mom C) recently cancelled her maternity insurance to help save money. She was concerned 30 days of sex would increase her chances of getting pregnant and in turn her out-of-pocket expense. Mom C, whose children aren’t in school yet, said, “Staying at home with kids is such a physically demanding job. If my husband expects dinner on the table and the house to be cleaned, then I am done when the kids are in bed. I don’t want to have to do something else for someone.”
Mom D wanted to clarify if the sex had to be with the same man all 30 days. (We told her yes!) She said she thought she and her husband could have easily done it before kids, but now there are just too many other things to do. “We’re done. We have children. We’re good.”
Only one mom out of the five (Mom E) thought she could easily fulfill the 30-day requirement and she was the one who seemed to be having sex the most regularly already — several times a week. When asked how she accomplished it, she said, “I don’t sleep and it shows, but that’s what happens. Something is given up and it tends to be sleep.”
But she does believe, as did all of the women I spoke with, that sex if good for your marriage. “Any time you bring a husband and wife together it’s a connection. If you go several weeks without having it, it becomes easier to lose the connection all together. Without that connection, money and all the other typical reasons why parents get divorced become bigger.” She added, “Or at the very least you have a good 15 minutes.”
