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DEL.ICIO.USCure tantrums like cavemen
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Our daughter has only just turned 1, but already we are seeing a little of the Terrible Twos.
She’s very physical and independent. She wants to put on her own shoes, wants to hold the leash to walk the dog and wants to color with markers just like big brother and sister. But she can’t always accomplish everything she wants to do and that leads to frustration and anger.
Neither of my other two children were throw-themselves-on-the-ground-and-kick-their-legs-kind of complainers, but this usually sweet little girl is. She flops her whole body down on the living room carpet and kicks her legs in the air and cries.
At this point it’s kind of funny to watch — she’s so tiny and so mad. It’s not extreme or out of control —yet — but it is definitely the beginning of a temper tantrum.
My husband recently sent me a New York Times story entitled “Coping with the Caveman in the Crib.” I was intrigued.
The gist of the story was about Dr. Harvey Karp’s theories on tantrums and how toddlers are actually not like little people but like cavemen. (He’s famous for his book “The Happiest Baby on the Block.” This theory is from “The Happiest Toddler on the Block.”)
Dr. Karp’s web site explains, “Cavemen were stubborn, opinionated, and not too verbal. They bit and spat when angry, were sloppy eaters, hated to wait in line, and were negative, tenacious, distractible, and impatient…sound familiar?”
“It’s a comical image, but comparing little kids to primitives is no joke. Dr. Karp argues that toddlers can only be understood by taking one giant step…backward! During three short years, toddlers zoom through the major achievements of almost 5 million years of human evolution: walking, talking, tool making, and problem solving.”
Dr. Karp says toddlers’ brains are emotional and instinctive. They are definitely not logical and so logic won’t work to console them.
He wants parents to bring themselves mentally and physically to the child’s level. He doesn’t want the parents to give in to their demands but he wants them to use the toddler’s language — “toddler-ese.”
“Stick with one- to three-word phrases (three to five words for verbal toddlers). Second, repeat those phrases over and over. Young children often need five to ten repetitions to get their attention and focus on what you are saying,” explains his Web site.
“Finally, be an actor. How you say your words is even more important than what you say. Match your tone of voice, facial expressions, and body gestures to her level of emotion. Pout, wave your arms, furrow your brow and dramatically echo her complaints to show you understand exactly how your toddler feels.”
So what exactly should you say? Here’s an example off his Web page, “Imagine your 18-month-old is standing at the door, screaming to go outside. Don’t just squash his hopes by telling him why he can’t go (‘It’s raining’). First, acknowledge his feelings …in his own energetic language. Say in Toddler-ese, ‘You say, ‘Go, Mommy. Go! Go!’ You want out, now! Out! Out! Out! You’re bored, bored, bored!’ With gestures and a dramatic tone repeatedly echo his feelings. Once your irate little caveman realizes that you truly understand his whining and wailing will noticeably diminish. That’s the signal that it’s your turn. That he’s ready to hear your reasons, reassurance, options, etc.”
The Times reporter reviewed his DVD and confirms the method works. “Within seconds, teary-eyed toddlers calm and look at him quizzically as he repeats their concerns back at them. Once the child has calmed, a parent can explain the reason for saying no, offer the child comfort and a happy alternative to the original demand.”
Besides just making life easier for adults, some doctors believe Karp’s methods can prevent child abuse that occurs when parents get frustrated and can’t convince their child to do what they what. In fact, several government agencies, as well as the leaders of Prevent Child Abuse America, have endorsed his methods.
Do you buy into Dr. Karp’s theory? Would you babble like a caveman to help calm your child? What other secret weapons do you have to fight tantrums? Share with us at ajc.com/momania.
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By Joy
March 31, 2008 10:02 AM | Link to this
I have a 16-month-old daughter and at this point, I’d be willing to try anything (even if I look like an idiot) to help her understand things. She is very much a “throw herself down on the floor, kicker and screamer…” we try to ignore those tantrums, but I never feel like she understands what is happening in the process. Dr. Karp’s theory makes sense, so why not try it?
By Jeff
March 31, 2008 10:04 AM | Link to this
Theresa:
We’re talking about something you Momania ladies (and occassional gentleman) might want to gander at over at Get Schooled. Specifically whether it is the state’s or the parents’ job to get kids ready for kindergarten…
By JJ
March 31, 2008 10:51 AM | Link to this
Whenever my daughter pitched her fits and we were at home, I basically ignored her. Left her alone to pitch her fit, and I went into another room. Sometimes they were so bad, I would have to call a friend and have them “talk me down”.
When we were in public and she started her fits, I would grab her and exit the store immediately, and she got nothing!!!
As a matter of fact, we were at Kohl’s about two years ago (she was 15) and she was being a little snot (for lack of a better word). She was in the dressing room, and I was waiting outside. She started to act out, and I poked my head into her dressing room, and said - put your clothes on, and put all this stuff back. And we walked out of the store, with her crying, but my money still in my wallet. That was the LAST time she tried to pull that crap with me in a store.
And Jeff - it is the parent’s responsbility to prepare their child for Kindergarten. I don’t want any more of the government in my house than I have to have. But it is MY responsibility to prepare MY child for the real world….
Less government, more parenting!!!
By fk
March 31, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this
My son was a charmer. If he got into something he knew was a no-no, he’d look up, smile and say hello. He did not throw many tantrums. Once, however, he threw a big one outside in the front yard. He was about two. He was helping Dad wash the car and was impatient. He wanted to spray the car with water. Dad wasn’t ready and did not want to get soaked. He threw down the hose, laid on the ground and howled. He just laid there and whined, sounding like a wounded animal for several minutes, that felt like an eternity. So, I videotaped it as I had been taping them wash the car. He didn’t like it. It’s a funny video to watch all of these years later.
If a kid throws a fit in a public place, for instance, at a store in the check-out line, and the parent decides to use this dr.’s method, that parent is going to have to figure out a way to deal with the angry patrons behind in line. If the kid is screaming, for the sake of everyone, you, the child and others, remove the child before starting the excercise. The last thing anyone else wants to hear is a screaming child and a parent who sounds like a caveman. There is a time and a place for everything. Please, use common sense.
By foa
March 31, 2008 12:23 PM | Link to this
Wow.Public tantrums are every parents nightmare,including the glares of the uninitiated behind you in line.I diffused the situation by saying “Never seen these kids before in my life!” Of course we all laughed and I got some much needed simpathy, but I had to get the food home! You cant always walk out. If the cave man talk works,do it. Foruately mine are past that, wait till they want your car keys.
By sharon
March 31, 2008 12:45 PM | Link to this
When my son threw his first tantrum, I spanked his behind and he never did it again. Nothing makes me angrier than to see a kid wailing and screaming in public and the parents stand there like morons. It is beyond rude and unfair to others. Yes, I am one of those that will give you a dirty look. If your policy is to let little Becky or Joey act out their tantrum, then the least you could do is take them outside.
By Amy in the ATL
March 31, 2008 12:56 PM | Link to this
I agree with fk—-while this technique may work at home, it’s probably harder to use in public. We’re dealing with the Terrible Twos with my 18 month old right now. She’s a sweetheart, and usually quite happy, but when she gets frustrated she lets everyone know it. It’s a bit tough on us, because we have curtailed taking the kids out to eat and other activities her older sister (now 3 1/2) enjoys because no one has fun if the baby is throwing a fit. (Her older sister never threw fits in public, just at home, so this is a new one for us.) I’m hoping this behavior will subside as her vocabulary gets better, but yes, occassionally I have to leave the room to calm myself down before I attempt to calm her down as well.
By Anna
March 31, 2008 12:56 PM | Link to this
Tantrums are something parents will deal with at some point. We deal with them and go on to the next. However, when your childs behavior begins to impede on others night out, dining experience or movie, remove the child. I don’t want to be a twenty minute witness to who will give in forst, the parent or the child. I have witnessed couples ‘ignoring’ a screaming child in a restaurant for twenty minutes, seemingly unaware that the other patrons were at the end of their patience. Finally, the manager of the restaurant asked them if he could get their food to go. Hint, hint. The couple left, it was obvious they were mad at the other quest. Two tables actually clapped when the family…finally, left.
By Mary
March 31, 2008 12:56 PM | Link to this
I read this with great interest. It makes sense, however at what point do you start modeling the behavior you want the child to learn to deal with their frustrations? If you are mirroring thier “language” how do you progress them forward.
Guess I’ll have to take a look at the web site to learn more.
By Minda
March 31, 2008 1:05 PM | Link to this
I think I have been accidently using this method with my 23mth old daughters whining and to some degree; tantrums. I find myself mimicking her, because I find her behavior so ridiculous; but she does stop when we are in harmony with the drawn out whine. Based on Dr Karp’s theory - I am letting her know I understand and empathize, even though it was not my intention. I just do it to try and stop her, thinking if she heard this nonsense the way I am hearing it, she would quit. And she usually does. This has not been tried on an actual meltdown tantrum, but I think Dr Karp’s Happiest Baby on the Block methods were 100% right on and worked for us at that stage, so it just might work here and I plan to keep this in mind when a tantrum erupts in the future.
By Sarah
March 31, 2008 1:14 PM | Link to this
Birth control is a good starting place.
By Dee
March 31, 2008 1:41 PM | Link to this
How about a good ‘ol-fashioned leather belt across the butt?
By FarLeftLoons
March 31, 2008 1:53 PM | Link to this
Feeling, schmeelings. Quit with the touch-feely time out crap. Just say no, and give her a little swap across the butt. Depending on her reaction, either explain or say “because mommy said so!” Liberals should not be allowed to raise kids. They provide poorly behaved, sex-having, drug-using, irresponsible, blaming others for everything, America-hating, brats.
By Homeschool Mom
March 31, 2008 1:54 PM | Link to this
So you should talk to toddlers like I talk to the dog!
So what is the theory on teens?
By Magenta
March 31, 2008 2:01 PM | Link to this
No kidding - this method works. I used it on my son 17 years ago without ever hearing about it in a book. I guess I had dim memories of my mother trying to explain things to me in adult language, using words she didn’t bother to define ahead of time (such as “postponed” and “verbal” when I was about 4). It just made me furious. So when my little one got all physical and whiny, I just matched my tone to his and “sang” and “danced” along until he calmed down and started watching me “perform.” By that time he’d forgotten all about the thing that upset him in the first place and went back to being semi-rational. However, I still remember being so relieved when he got to about age 5 or 6 and started expressing himself more in words than in actions. By then, I was pretty much worn out. It was harder to do with him when we were out in public, but at those times I would just get up close to him and “sing” in his ear so only he could hear it. It worked just as well.
By FCM
March 31, 2008 3:00 PM | Link to this
When at home I made sure that the area around the child was ‘safe’ (ie they were not tantruming at the top of stairs)…and then left the room. Usually the tantrum fizzled quickly. In public I step into the Ladies room (Handicap stall) and set child down. I explain that we cannot leave until child is done with the fit. Then I face the door (until they are through). I used to leave the store, but one child started tossing fits just to not have to run errands…basically holding us all hostage.
It takes LOTS of time (at least if they child is a ‘tester’) but eventually they ‘get it’ and get over it.
By danish
March 31, 2008 3:20 PM | Link to this
Someone just recently told me about this trick—- whisper in their ear you’ve got a secret. tell them anything, anything! they want to hear what you have to say so they will stop carrying on to hear it. I have a 2 year old and it worked twice this weekend with him.
By Bob
March 31, 2008 4:08 PM | Link to this
A spanking worked with my first child… not with the second. When she decided to act-up (usually laying on the floor and waving arms and legs I would do the same (if not in public). She would see what it looked like and stop. I didn’t have to do thatbut a couple of times.
By Peachy
March 31, 2008 4:10 PM | Link to this
The secret thing definitely worked with my now 3yo. It would be anything from, “I have a secret. See that baby on the diapers?” or “It’s a secret, my favorite color is red.”
Sometimes I just say, “Baby what’s wrong? Are you angry? Are you sad?” Kids that little don’t often know what it’s called when they feel a certain way, so providing those words helps them deal not only with the anger of not getting what they want, but also at the frustration of not knowing how to say it.
Now I always coach her beforehand, “If we go to (insert destination here), I expect you to be on your best behavior and use your big girl manners.” We always use manners around her, and thank her for using good manners, too. She was up last night crying about not wanting to go to bed, so I went to her room (after about an hour of fussing) and did some relaxation techniques with her. I told her how proud I was of her for sleeping in her own bed like a big girl and said good night. Not a peep for the rest of the night.
The few times she really had it out in public I would leave; once I even had to leave a cart full of groceries but we both learned something that day: I learned to shop in shorter periods but go once a week instead of twice a month, and she learned that if she embarrasses me in public, she gets no TV or sweets for a week.
Sorry for the long post!
By The Truth
March 31, 2008 4:13 PM | Link to this
Well, before liberals took over parenting, parents could spank the crap out of their own children. Seemed to work pretty well.
By OhTheDrama
March 31, 2008 4:15 PM | Link to this
The doctor is right. A toddler’s number 1 frustration is being able to communicate what the want. If you can let them know you understand, that alone, nearly eclipses most anything else. The problem comes in if you have a toddler you don’t understand. My first born was a late talker and he has a slight lisp to this day. I rarely knew what he wanted. Eventually, since talking never seemed to work, he’d just start out crying. Things only got better when his communication skills improved. My second born is a much better communicator. I think she’s the most like me so words aren’t as necessary for me to understand what she’s saying. If I restate what she wants while looking at her, to let her know I get her drift she calms down immediately. That doesn’t mean all no’s are accepted, but they aren’t compounded by not being understood.
By Mark
March 31, 2008 4:20 PM | Link to this
How do you cure tantrums? You spank their snotty nosed little spawn a*, that’s what you do.
By MrHughes
March 31, 2008 4:33 PM | Link to this
Liberals… ha!! I grew up in a neighborhood with a lot of democrats as well. We were all very well behaved children. It’s not a political thing, but more of a cultural thing. And another thing… 16 and 17 year old kids having temper tantrums… One should have grown out of that by the time their age has 2 digit number at the latest. These are the same “kids” that always call home asking mommie and daddy for money, need help with their car payment, house notes, and drop a few benjamins at the bar for their “friends”.
My parents are as liberal as they come and whooped my behind. One upon a time LittleHughes looked at his mom crosseyed at Rich’s because I was bored and sick of shopping for her, and the look she shot back at me was enough to nip that in the bud. I was never one for stomping around, laying on the ground, or howling though… Who’s in control here, the children or the parents?
By WTF?
March 31, 2008 4:36 PM | Link to this
The cure for tantrums………..azz whoopings!!!!
And NO, tantrums are not “cute” at any age, how immature to think so. Trust, she is remembering it all, and while you’re sitting there looking stupid, trying not to laugh, she’s realizing that she can get away with it, and it will escalate as she gets older. But of course, you all let your kids say things like “I hate you” with no consequences…………that’s something I’ve never understood, and would never even think to say to my parents!
By Troll in the dungeon!
March 31, 2008 4:46 PM | Link to this
Enough with the “liberals” trolling already.
Except for Mr. Hughes, we’re not gonna bite.
Do not feed the troll.
By Magenta
March 31, 2008 4:52 PM | Link to this
MrHughes,
Yes, the “evil eye” is ANOTHER great technique. My own kid got kind of used to it (figured that was my usual expression, I guess), but it worked like a charm on other people’s kids. I could use it any time a kid acted up and the parent wasn’t looking at me. All of a sudden, the kid would fall silent and the parents would say “Whew, I guess she got it out of her system, finally.” No, it was Mrs. Meanmommy over here (LOL). One acquaintance of mine had a son who did nothing but shriek and shout and throw tantrums, but as soon as he caught sight of me and my patented “look,” he shut up fast. He didn’t like me at all, even though I never so much as laid a finger on him. When he got a little more verbal, he’d wave his hand and say “Go ‘way” to me. It was hilarious.
By Perkle
March 31, 2008 4:57 PM | Link to this
When my brother was little he had the biggest meltdown tamtrum one could have. My Dad got on the floor next to and imitated everything he did. He never had one after that. Although as a grown up he has always had major anger issues.
By Tommy
March 31, 2008 5:09 PM | Link to this
…a valium in the juice usually works for my little boy…just one though…
By itshopeless
March 31, 2008 5:14 PM | Link to this
what about temper tantrums in 21 yr olds? or adults? seriously i have extended family members who if they don’t get their way they will literally stomp their feet and huff off. the mother of the person who does this says ‘its just who she is’, of course the mother does this too from what her family says. personally i think it needs to be addressed in childhood before they grow into adult brats.
By Peachy
March 31, 2008 5:37 PM | Link to this
Let me add that I am not above spanking my kids, but I will be darned if they act in such a way that embarrasses me or annoys others. I would rather not if I don’t have to, and 99 times out of 100 her behavior doesn’t warrant it. We are lucky she’s such a good kid, in public as well as at home.
And I am a liberal, and my conservative parents spanked me…and look how I turned out! lol :o)
By catlady
March 31, 2008 5:41 PM | Link to this
We did not have much of a problem with this at my house (3 kids). Tantrums were dealt with by isolation and an absolutely Golden Globe award attitude of not being in the least worried, bothered, or annoyed. It is real hard to have much of a tantrum without an audience. Nip it in the bud early and don’t ever act like it is cute. No explanations, no feedback. If possible, the adult leaves the room. (I have even seen kids having a tantrum FOLLOW their parent to the new room and thrown themselves down, etc. At our house, in order to be heard you had to be in control. Period. At the store, the shopping trip was OVER right then, and said child was carried to the car. Then isolated.
I have had a few kids try it at school. They learned very quickly that it did not work, and was not worth it at all. I even had a former tantrumer student go up to a kid who had flung himself down, kicking and screaming, and advise him, “Give it up. It doesn’t work on her.”
By Dee
March 31, 2008 7:36 PM | Link to this
My oldest daughter practiced a tantrum once at age 2 y/o. She saw other kids in daycare throw tantrums and got attention from the grown ups so she decided to throw herself down on the kitchen floor and wail for about 1 minute. Was truly shocked and surprised when she got a face full of cold water. Today she is a calm, pleasant 31 y/o that any Mother would be proud to have raised. Repeat to yourselves the following statement ” Grownups do not negotiate with children under the age of 18 y/o”.
By lawrencevillemom
March 31, 2008 8:18 PM | Link to this
I have been fortunate that my girls were not and are not tantrum throwers (now ages 14 & 17) but a nephew that I helped raise was and he could pitch a fit with the best of them. I had him in a store one day and he pitched himself of the floor and proceeded to scream and kick - I walked away to the next aisle where I could watch him but he couldn’t see me and the fit lasted about 45 seconds before he realized his audience was gone. He was 3 at the time and found me and said “you left me”…yes I did - now let’s go home. That was the last tantrum he ever threw with me and he is now 22 married with a baby of his own and I have warned him that what goes around comes around.
The other big thing at our house was whining - the girls were always told to “go to their rooms and find a better voice/attitude because I wasn’t listening to that one.”
By Mike In Woodstock
April 1, 2008 7:17 AM | Link to this
It was refreshing to visit our relatives in South Georgia this past Christmas. We were at a grocery store and a four year old child started pitching a fit. The mother reached over and swatted his behind three times and the tantrum stopped immediately. You can scoff at country folk all you’d like but I think they may be a little bit brighter than us. I mean think about it? We’re sitting here blogging about how to quell a tantrum and this young 23 year old mother knew the cure without any type of counseling or blogging.
By John
April 1, 2008 7:45 AM | Link to this
Spraying them with a garden hose works pretty good, or tapping them on top of the head if you can’t get to a hose. A glass of water in the face works too.
By FNK
April 1, 2008 8:01 AM | Link to this
Dr. Thomas Phelan, the 123 Magic program works great with my 4 yo twins and 11 yo.
By V for Vendetta
April 1, 2008 8:07 AM | Link to this
I’m all for spanking, but it’s not how I solved this problem with my own two-year-old. When she flopped on the floor, I simply sat and stared at her until she stopped. One time she wanted me to bring her a bottle that was sitting three feet away. I told her to get up and get it herself. She flopped on the floor. I sat and stared into her eyes until she got up, picked up her bottle, and sat back down again.
Sometime children must be reminded who the dominant being is. Again, I have no problem with spanking, but it doesn’t always have to come to that.
By khs
April 1, 2008 11:45 AM | Link to this
Maybe I’m just lucky, but whenever my soon-to-be 4 year old starts to fuss or acts snippy (which fortunately is only once in a blue moon) I start to tickle her or stick a wet finger in her ear (she gets a good case of the giggles from that), or if we’re in a store and that isn’t appropriate, I whisper that when she fusses she looks like a monkey so we’d better change her name to George and go find some bananas. Again, she laughs and forgets what she was fussing about in the first place. I’ve found that distraction is the key. However, I was raised with spankings and wouldn’t hesitate to use them, but only in instances where she has done something extreme such as crossing a street by herself or running away from me and putting herself in danger (neither of which has ever happened, thank goodness). That’s just my two cents.
By khs
April 1, 2008 12:13 PM | Link to this
Maybe I’m just lucky, but whenever my soon-to-be 4 year old starts to fuss or acts snippy (which fortunately is only once in a blue moon) I start to tickle her or stick a wet finger in her ear (she gets a good case of the giggles from that), or if we’re in a store and that isn’t appropriate, I whisper that when she fusses she looks like a monkey so we’d better change her name to George and go find some bananas. Again, she laughs and forgets what she was fussing about in the first place. I’ve found that distraction is the key. However, I was raised with spankings and wouldn’t hesitate to use them, but only in instances where she has done something extreme such as crossing a street by herself or running away from me and putting herself in danger (neither of which has ever happened, thank goodness). That’s just my two cents.
By nurse&mother
April 1, 2008 3:43 PM | Link to this
It is interesting that some tricks work for some children, but not for all. My first child had very few tantrums and when she did, she got a swat to the fanny. Now my son is a whole different animal. He has had screaming fits since he was one month old. Spanking doesn’t work for him (trust me we have given this a fair try). Funny you should mention this method, I started a similar method about 10 days ago. It started when we were in the car and he started wailing. I used to tell him to stop or he would get a spanking. He would just keep wailing even after I swatted. One day in desperation, I simply turned the music up and ignored him. To my surprise, he quickly got quiet. So the next time he started a tantrum, I got down in the floor and wailed with him (something I remembered my late grandmother doing to me). He quickly stopped. I thought, Wow, I’m onto something. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one onto something :)
By JoeMama
April 8, 2008 5:41 PM | Link to this
I busted my 4 year old son. Then I was afraid I was hitting too hard so I used the belt. It works, that is if your goal is for him to go into extreme delirium. When he turns 18 I plan to drop him with one right cross to the jaw.
By Allie
April 23, 2008 11:23 AM | Link to this
Magenta: I’m right there with you on that; I used to do that when my 2-year-old would start shouting and throwing tantrums at home. Once he saw how that I knew what he was trying to say instead of dismissing him, he stopped right away and did a much better job of telling me what is wrong. Not every tantrum is a result of bratty behavior; when he’s just learning to talk and has something “important” to say it can be frustrating when the parent doesn’t get it (reminds me of learning to communicate with his dad, haha). However, this doesn’t work as well in public when there are others being disturbed by shouting, although I’ve only had that problem once and a good swat to the backside nipped that problem in the bud immediately. He is now 4 years old and behaves like an angel when out in public and not too bad at home, having learned to use his words slowly and with his inside voice if he needs to tell me something!