By catlady

January 14, 2008 6:13 AM | Link to this

The key is to think and act for the long run, and to think about age appropriateness. Your 6 year old can speak up if she needs help. Your baby is more limited in asking for help, and thus needs more careful hovering (but can still make wishes known).

You will struggle with this for many years, so be thoughtful in your responses, and realize you will mess up from time to time. Independence does not happen in one day or one week.

As a 34 year veteran of teaching, I can tell you hovering parents do as much of a disservice as oblivious parents. Keep your eye on where you are heading, and read some good books on child development. Talk to experienced parent friends, or your child’s doctor.

I still struggle with this (on a grander scale), and my baby is 22 and just moved 1000 miles away!

By motherjanegoose

January 14, 2008 7:13 AM | Link to this

Great points catlady. Teachers do not appreciate hovering parents. My rule of thumb is: if everyone is doing what I am doing…will the environment be a success. Example: if all parents yell and scream at the coaches during the game…is this helping the children? If every parent ‘had a word’ with the bus driver about their precious package ( on the bus), would the children ever get to school? If all parents came to eat lunch EVERY DAY in the cafeteria…would there be room? If your child’s teacher tells you she/he does not need parents in the class, either you are a helicopter parent or there have been one too many in his/her room. I am related to a helicopter parent and we are not even speaking about the subject anymore. My sister has two sons in college: freshman and sophomore. The sophomore went to college where their cousin goes and the younger brother now has to go there too ( it is easier). In fact, my sister is selecting their classes and has planned their course for them over the next several years ( she tells me this and that she wants them to have a double major). Is this healthy? NO….I tell her this and she is upset with me and thinks I am nuts not to delve into my son’s schedule who is a Junior…hello? He is in our four year plan and after that his own $$$. I told her I had discussed this with several other parents who let their children think for themselves regarding classes and she is not happy with me….readers?

By DB

January 14, 2008 7:45 AM | Link to this

Give ‘em as much freedom as they demonstrate they can handle. They can’t fly if their wings are clipped!

I have to admit, I was SHOCKED at the attitudes of many parents when I attended a “college look ahead” night last year. It was designed to make parents aware of the issues that were going to arise between them and their college freshman child, and to get the expectations of both the student and their parennts out on the table for discussion. One of the questions was, “How are you going to handle finances?” I almost fell over at the number of parents who felt it was not only OK, but REQUIRED that they be able to review their child’s bank account and spending, “because it’s so much easier with on-line banking these days!”. HELLO? Whatever happened to saying, “Here’s your allowance — you get another $x on the 1st. Make it last!” Or, “If you want extra spending money at school, you better get off your duff and get a summer job, kiddo.”

The dean at my son’s college gave the parents a pep talk during orientation, giving us examples of helicoptering: The parent who called HER to ask for a boy’s resume’ — seems some boy dared to ask his little girl out for a date, and he wanted to “check him out.” The parent who called her in a panic because she hadn’t talked to her daughter … in 20 minutes.” The parent who called their child in the morning to make sure they were awake for their first class, “because they have such a hard time waking up.”

And now that they are in college, I’m still bemused at certain friends who are desperately trying to stuff their college freshman into their old high school mold, with midnight curfews, etc. when they visit. And they wonder why the kids hate coming home!

I think it’s interesting that parents seem less willing to allow their kids the growth opportunty to make bad decisions. We tend to learn best from our mistakes, but so many parents take it as a personal reflection on themselves when their child makes a mistake, and they are terrified that mistakes will hurt their child’s “self-esteem”. WRONG. Fixing mistakes on their own and successfully overcoming obstacles is what builds self-esteem and the confidence in themselves that they CAN successfully problem-solve.

By motherjanegoose

January 14, 2008 8:00 AM | Link to this

If you are a hovering parent, your child will be in giant trouble when they leave for college, as they do not know how to think for themsevles or handle issues themselves. Our son was upset that we made him take a part time job and keep it when he went to college. He called to tell us he would be quitting his job there because he did not like it ( at the time). We said, “that’s fine as long as you find another one before your quit.” He toughed it out and is now a Senior Pharmacy Technicican. He has resepct and a decent paycheck, which is doing wonders for his self esteem. He is much more confident and we are so proud of him! Life is not always easy but those who have to work at it can come out ahead!

By FCM

January 14, 2008 8:42 AM | Link to this

DB—hehehe. Your stories reminded me of my mother. She had not heard from my brother in awhile (not sure how long) and said “well it is is 8AM on Saturday morning, he will be in his dormroom now!” She went off to call….I did say “mom you don’t want to do that.” She wondered why not. All I could hear was “I’m sorry I thought I was calling my son.” “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WILL WAKE HIM UP?” Then she looked at my Dad and said “Some girl just answered his phone!”

Anyway, it is a delicate balance of hover not hover. In general I try to tailor to both the child and the surroundings. Hovering in a crowd Mall is ok. Hovering on the playground when I can still ‘see’ them is not….in otherwords I am proud to not be next to the slide but just in the general area. If they fall, the either get up or I go over and check it out. Busted lip or skinned knees, etc do not phase me. It is all a part of learning.

As to the pool…step out when the lesson is going on…observe from where she cannot see you. The teacher is well aware of the children, and only testing their abilty he would not let them drown.

By fk

January 14, 2008 8:44 AM | Link to this

It is so easy to sit back and judge others, and it is very easy to slip into that role of helicopter parent. No parent wants to see their child fail. It’s the course of action that determines whether or not they will become helicopter parents.

I think back to when my son was in elementary school. There were a few parents who basically lived at the school. They were there all of the time. You could tell by the teachers’ reactions to them. They were so far up the teacher or principal’s behind, they could not see what they were doing. You just wanted to shake them into reality—-get a life or get a job.

Fast forward to high school, and over the years, it’s the same parents who have been over-involved in their kids’ lives. They should be volunteering for the good of the academic or sports program, but in reality, it seems that they wanted to ensure their children a place in the program.

Lessons are learned when mistakes are made. It’s hard to sit back and watch a child fail. It’s more important for the parent to be there to pick up the pieces when things don’t go as planned. Hopefully, that small bump in the road in the 3rd or 4th grade will be a character building experience that will help them to make better choices in adolescence. The same goes for the high school student who will eventually go off to college, hopefully, without Mom & Dad in tow.

Whenever the topic of helicopter parents comes up, my friend and I laugh. When our children were in elementary school, we went up to school once a month to distribute awards on award day. During this assembly, students were able to present projects, etc., and all participation was voluntary. One teacher decided a particular little first grade girl was not to make her presentation as the girl appeared to be stressed out over the situation. That was not the purpose of the exercise. Maybe she would be ready to do something at the next assembly. Enter Momma Bear.

Her mother was of another opinion and insisted that her daughter make the presentation. They had worked very hard on the project. So, there this little girl stood, frozen in front of the entire school population, plus parents. Never fear, helicopter mom was enroute to the stage. As she approached, she tripped and hit the deck in front of everyone.

It was an important lesson learned for both my friend and me. Stand back and let your children grow. They’ll do things when they’re ready. Every child develops at a different pace. Be happy, be proud for their triumphs, and be there to help them overcome the hardships, not avoid them. It’s not always easy.

By DB

January 14, 2008 11:24 AM | Link to this

PS: The helicoptor parents are also the ones that are “helping” their 2nd grader with a history project that ends up being worthy of being an exhibit at the Smithsonian! But if you ask the kid how something was put together, they have NO idea, because it was Dad doing it at 2 AM!

By fk

January 14, 2008 12:25 PM | Link to this

DB…it happened in Cub Scouts, too, with the soapbox derby cars.

By motherjanegoose

January 14, 2008 1:40 PM | Link to this

RE: projects that are completed by parents. My husband worked on a project with our son in elementary school. It was a magnetic pool table. They spent lots of time on it TOGETHER and were quite proud of it. It really looked good. When the grade came home it was a B-. My husband was really mad…”I engineer projects in the real world and got a B- in elementary school?” The bottom line was that my son forgot to put his name in the appropriate spot and turn in the accompanying outline. A lesson learned for everyone…whose project is it? Let them do it themselves and stand by to answer questions! FYI…when your children are older let them figure out how much to tip in a restaurant and determine the level of service. Also, I let mine pay the bill ( with my $$$) and figure out the change…real life skills ( most kids do not know). My son was on a church mission trip years ago and they stayed in a Best Western in Arizona. His room mates left their clothes all over. He called housekeeping and told them to simply drop off the towels every day and that he would gather up the dirty ones and leave them right at the door to exchange. His comment: ” Mom, these guys have underwear, Cokes, toothbrushes and all sorts of stuff laying around…no one wants to wade through it to clean out our room! I thought it was very mature!

By WTF?

January 14, 2008 1:56 PM | Link to this

Two quizzes I took said I was giving my daughter enough freedom to learn to make decisions but was there if she needed me. So, I guess I’m doing OK, despite the swimming pool scene.

Maybe that’s part of the problem………..relying on some stupid magazine/book/test to tell you how to be a parent or to measure your “worthiness/effectiveness” as a parent! Come on now……

By Jesse's Girl

January 14, 2008 2:07 PM | Link to this

There is a fine line here. I admit to having some problems with this. I literally have to remind myself to let them be and figure things out on their own. I am not so bad that I take over school projects….believe me, no one wants that! And while I do not see myself as the type to call up a blue streak while they are away at school…send laundry packages(hell…i can barely do it now!)….or “drop” by their dorm room…I will have trouble with the empty nest syndrome. I have warned Mr Jesse that it could get hinky and his reply was “We’ll just start traveling like good old fuddie-duds should!” I love that man. But I will defintely be the mom who keeps the childhood rooms as they once were…for a while anyway. They grow up entirely too fast for my taste.

By ayoungmom

January 14, 2008 2:24 PM | Link to this

I have a four year old daughter in preschool. I cringe when we go to the playground or some other kid place and the parents are so involved that the kids cannot even enjoy themselves. I work with my daughter and coach her when she needs it, but I also spend alot of time watching her so I will know what she can do and what she struggles with. As a result, my daughter, while riding her bike, if she falls off, she will jump right up and say “I am okay, Mommy” as opposed to laying there crying at the slightest bump. We had to work to get to that point but in real life there is no one there to protect you and you have to be able to get up and dust yourself off and try again. I hope I am teaching her that by my actions.

By Eleanora

January 14, 2008 2:34 PM | Link to this

I raised a sister who was twenty years my junior. It was so important to me that she grow up to be responsible and independent. After all, I had to grow up fast to care for her and I didn’t want her to ever be dependent on me or heaven forbid, some dumb man. Although we talked about everything and I offered my opinion, I let her make her own decisions. It stung to see her fall on her face from time to time, but it was good for the both of us. Now she’s twenty-five and working in Spain. I couldn’t be prouder—although I still worry about her living so far away!

By MP

January 14, 2008 3:13 PM | Link to this

I know parents who are over protective and it is really disgusting. One mom is at the school every day eating lunch, coach for the soccer team, etc. The child is an only child and can’t solve anything on his own because every one is doing it for him.

By mari

January 14, 2008 3:25 PM | Link to this

I don’t think I am a helicopter parent; I am more of an airplane parent! I have a 12 year old and it is like “living with the unknown.” So I have to stay ahead of the game, and right now that is by being an airplane parent. Times are different but in so many ways times are the same, I mean, I think about what I was doing and thinking at her age-and when I am really honest our thoughts and actions were almost parallel! I am a single parent raised by a single speeding bullet parent—my mother knew my every move before I even had time to think about it, but she had less to compete with (television shows, videos, etc)I say if a child has a helicopter parent then their chances of making less mistakes, staying on track, reaching their goals are greater; the parents don’t hover forever and then those children who have parents that “check in” every once in a while, then their experiences in life will be different. So maybe for some it is about balance, half helicopter half check in. I know my child and I remember myself so for now I am at airplane range. I am flexible, so as she gets older my range may change. You go “helicopter” parents! Hovering can’t possibly be easy so good for you!

By KoolAid House

January 14, 2008 3:57 PM | Link to this

My daughter has said to me 3x now that I’m overprotective. She just turned 13. I simply tell her “that on my watch” she will be watched. I have extended the apron strings a little this weekend. I let her go to the movies w/3 other girlfriends by themselves. Dropped them off and then picked them up. It was hard, but because I do trust her and like her friends I gave this a chance. Everything turned out great. She had a blast doing “the teenage” thing as she calls it. However, she won’t be doing that kind of “teenage thing” for a long time. I was very uncomfortable.

By Former prof

January 14, 2008 4:00 PM | Link to this

Helicopter parents are one of the reasons I changed careers and stopped teaching at the college level. I had one too many experiences with moms who were still doing their babies’ homework. Unreal. Do those moms expect to be allowed to hover in the workplace, too, or are they just hoping to make their kids so dependent they end up living at home forever?

By Lucille Willoughby

January 14, 2008 4:01 PM | Link to this

What I’ve been baffled by is the trend of mothers with kids who are clearly 4-5 years old pushing them around in strollers. When I was that age, I walked—or my dad carried me if I got tired. This might have something to do with how emotionally stunted most younger people seem to be nowadays. I meet kids who are in their late 20s and its like talking to 15 year olds. WTF?

By HB

January 14, 2008 4:21 PM | Link to this

Amen, Lucille! I see so many kids who are at least 5 or 6 y.o. in strollers at malls, commuting home with their parents, etc — shameful! I suspect parents do it out of convenience, but they need to just suck it up, hold the kid’s hand when crossing the street, and slow their pace a little to accomodate shorter legs.

By KoolAid House

January 14, 2008 4:28 PM | Link to this

Elenora, sounds like you did a great job with your sister. It’s better when they pick themselves up from a fall. Kudos!!!!

By toni

January 14, 2008 4:37 PM | Link to this

If there is anything all you parents of young children SHOULD do…make your dang brats mind in restaurants!! We tried to have a quite lunch at Wendy’s today and a man and his wife were holding a 2 year old little boy waiting to place their order when the little brat held is arm back and threw the bottle as hard as he could and hit a gentleman in line. What the h3ll is a 2 year old doing with a bottle anyway? The parents just laughed like it was the cutest thing and I gave that mom a look that could kill. She better be glad he didn’t hit me. That wasn’t enough though….a 4 or 5 yr. old little boy kept sticking his tounge out at 2 little old ladies and then preceded to run laps around their table while mom stood in line to place her order. Please people, we don’t think this behavior is cute. First, I’d have thrown that bottle in the trash as soon as i got through busting his a$$ and for the other one…he wouldn’t have eaten anything but broccoli and bread for a week. Slack lazy parents are killing this nation.

By KoolAid House

January 14, 2008 4:50 PM | Link to this

Toni, unlike you I would have said something. I’m with on how do parents let kids do this. My daughter never would have done something like that when she was that age…not on my watch!

By nygal

January 14, 2008 5:05 PM | Link to this

I took over a project for my daughter when she was in the fourth grade. She sat me down and had a long talk with me about how I was interfering with her learning and I had to stop or she would tell the teacher on me. I listened and back off everytime she has a project. It is SO hard, but I gently offer suggestions, then leave the room so she can develop her own ideas and actually do the work herself. She is in the 7th grade now and pretty lazy. But I let her face the consequences of waiting until the last minute to get her work done. She feels terrible when she sees a low grade, but she knows she has to buckle down because I will not shield her from the consequences of her actions, or lack thereof.

By teach1

January 14, 2008 5:45 PM | Link to this

The playground thing reminded me of the first week of school this year. I had to “teach” 6 year olds how to pump their feet to make the swing go. I had one boy on the swing yelling “it won’t go” but there was no effort on his part. He didn’t realize swinging was a physical activity he needed to participate in. I wonder where his parents would fall in the helicopter ladder.

By motherjanegoose

January 14, 2008 6:44 PM | Link to this

Right on the $$$ Toni. Helicopter parents think their kids are cute no matter what they are acting like. It is an embarrassment to all when children have no manners. When I observe these children in restaurants, I tell my husband…they did not just start acting like this today….yikes!

By naturalcurl

January 14, 2008 7:08 PM | Link to this

I’ve told my 5yo son how to pump, but he just doesn’t want to. So I give him one push and he’s on his own. Instead of pumping, he finds something else to do on the pg. He likes monkey bars and can do them well. Today’s pg’s have so many activities that many kids don’t care to learn how to swing. Question for the group — in his kindergarten class, my son has a hard time focusing sometimes because he is at the same table as his chatterbox best friend. Overall, his teacher says my son is very well-behaved. Should I ask his teacher about moving him or would that be too meddlesome?

By violasmom

January 14, 2008 7:19 PM | Link to this

naturalcurl:If the interaction is interferring with his education, by all means ask the teacher if he can be moved. I don’t consider that “helicoptering” unless you tell the teacher where to move him. Now that my daughter is in 6th grade, I’ve become more of a helicopter parent simply because I need to make sure that she is actually turning in the work she does. However, I simply e-mail her teachers to find out and they know to let me know if I’m hovering too much.

As a former college professor, I too have experienced parents coming in with their child’s entire 4 years planned out, my favorite was the one who yelled, yes yelled, at me because one class was full and another wasn’t even offered, she seemed to think that I had control over those facts and could get a class offered for her child to take.

By Penguinmom

January 14, 2008 8:08 PM | Link to this

The online quizzes are pretty silly. You can tell which answer is the ‘right’ one to not be a helicopter parent. I came out in the middle range even though I am very hands-off with my kids. (At least as hands-off as you can be when you are homeschooling.)

It’s a sad fact in life, those parents who need to be more involved in their kids lives are the very ones who aren’t ever going to be involved. Those whose kids could use a little freedom are probably the ones who will always hover.

I think the main thing is you have to give your kids the opportunity to fail early so they can learn from that experience. And you have to start young giving them some resposibility so they’ll be able to do things on their own later in life.

By What's A Parent to do?

January 15, 2008 9:04 AM | Link to this

toni, where were you this weekend? My child went meltdown in a store and I (thought I was being responsible parent) removed him from the store. I had store employees and customers following me. Like I was the bad guy!? My child kicked me and pinched me, but I did not smack him or otherwise do anything but place in a secure spot and told him to calm down. Somehow there were people everywhere telling me what good boy he is. Well I agree but if he is refusing to walk or runs off in the store then he is not being good….he is acting up and needs to be removed.

By Prince Jazzbo

January 15, 2008 9:14 AM | Link to this

I think hovering is just a different method in raising a child.

I saw this occur throughout my childhood and into college and was always in disbelief as the other parents stepped in and solved their children’s problems while I had those same problems and had to solve them on my own. Each time I thought to myself that when I get older, these kids will never make it - at some time they will be left alone. When I got to college and saw parents arguing grades, I finally thought that once they try to get a job these kids are going to be screwed. Not so; the parents stepped up again and found jobs for their babies. I had a lot of resentment at first for these kids as I worked and paid my way through college and struggled on my own to get a job while other parents paid for college and had daddy’s buddy give junior a job right after graduation.

It was at this time that I realized that life simply isn’t fair and some people gain advantages in life by the people they know - their parents or others. I tend to think I have gained more experience by succeeding and failing on my own. That does not mean that kids of hovering parents are any less adjusted; hovering is just a different way to bring up a child.

By toni

January 15, 2008 10:49 AM | Link to this

What’s a parent to do - do what a parent should. If it takes a hard lick on or kick in the butt..give it to them. If you have to drag them out screaming and crying…drag em out. I’d go down fighting with the judge that told me I can’t make my child mind MY way. There is just no excuse in the younger generation’s parenting skills these days. You all wanna be BFF’s with your children and all your doing is making monsters out of them. The sad part is you laugh at their disasterous behavior. And yes, I’m a mother of 1 young adult and 2 teenagers. I can honestly say I have never seen my children act out in public or private for that matter the way I see children behaving every day in eating establishments. And let’s not even go there on the ones running up and down the department store aisles.

By catlady

January 15, 2008 12:29 PM | Link to this

:If the interaction is interferring with his education, by all means ask the teacher if he can be moved. I don’t consider that “helicoptering” unless you tell the teacher where to move him.

Actually, that IS helicoptering. It would be appropriate to ask the teacher if she has noticed it and if it is interfering with his education. The teacher can judge how much of a problem it is to your son and the other boy, or just reassure the parent.

Two true examples: a fifth grader got in trouble for being disorganized (having a messy desk) and had his name put on the board. Mom charged in after school saying junior was hurt and embarassed by having his name on the board and just what were the criteria for a desk to be judged messy and what time of day did the judging take place! She then proceeded to clean out and straighten the desk FOR HER ELEVEN YEAR OLD.

One of our new teachers, age 22, was accompanied to his job interview by his father, who wanted to sit in on the interview (he was not allowed to). Now, the young man was not from out of town or handicapped in any way (other than by this hovering parent).

Being an active, aware parent by itself is not hovering. It is hovering when you take action that is inappropriate for the age/development of your child. In the long run, and sometimes in the short run as well, hovering hurts your child. It undercuts his sense of eficacy and makes him and you look like idiots.

By Joyce

January 15, 2008 1:52 PM | Link to this

This topic reminds me of all of the mothers and fathers I’ve seen at playgrounds who accompany their children on the slides, monkey bars, etc. It just looked ridiculous to me. If a piece of equipment is too difficult for a child to handle on his/her own, then they shouldn’t be trying to play on it! I wonder how many of those parents will end up as helicopters?

By DB

January 15, 2008 2:06 PM | Link to this

Jesse’s Girl, when they go off to college, NEVER stop by the dorm room without at least 24 hours notice! It’ll take them that long to peel the dead underwear off the floor and dispose of the evidence!

When I went to visit my son on parent’s weekend last October, I fell to chatting with another mom (“where are you from, what dorm is s/he in,”, etc., etc.) This mom was sighing, heavily, at the hard transition her daughter had. She asked me, “How many times have you had to come up here since August?” “From Atlanta — are you nuts? This is the first time since school started!” She stared at me, and I was starting to feel uncomfortable (had I broken some basic motherhood rule? I sent cookies — I thought that was enough!) Then she confessed that she had been up every single weekend since her daughter had started college — 8 weekends?!? — to help her daughter adjust. Then it was my turn to stare. I finally had to ask, in my usual tactful way: “So, who’s really having trouble adjusting here, Mom?”

By motherjanegoose

January 15, 2008 2:08 PM | Link to this

Catlady…you and I should go to lunch…swap stories…I love yours! OFF topic but here is one a Kinder teacher told me last week during the conference I was speaking at: Early release day at school and one little 5 year old was the last one left on the curb during the carpool pick up ( not alone…his mother forgot and did not show up). He was escorted to the office and a phone call made to his mother. She apologized and said she would be right there. The boy was waiting in the principal’s office and she was trying to entertain him a bit by asking questions. What is your favorite color? “green” Do you have brother and sisters? “no” Do you like school? “yes” Do you know how to read? “HE$$ no… I have only been here 3 weeks!” Need some humor in your life…work with children ( or parents who act like children…LOL).

By Jesse's Girl

January 15, 2008 3:19 PM | Link to this

Trust me….I remember quite well the horror I felt when my dad knocked on the door of the apt I was sharing with my cousin in college. Daddy had on his tool belt…with an unusually large hammer. He had wonderful intentions, our toilet had been broken and he didn’t like the looks of the maintenance man. He also didn’t like the look of Mr Jesse in my bed. Or of the guy and girl in my cousin’s bed. She’s a trollop to this day!! No…for my own sanity and the preservation of the children in my mind’s eye…I shan’t be poppin’ by.

By Laura

January 15, 2008 3:26 PM | Link to this

Theresa:

You’re a mombie. By the stories you often relate to readers, there is ample evidence to attest to that. By following your kids around the playground and distracting the swimming teacher (do you really think he is going to let a kid drown??), you’ve just proven that fact again. Get a grip, woman!

By Lynette

January 15, 2008 3:44 PM | Link to this

I guess I am more than a helicopter I am a Black Hawk.

I lost my middle child to drowning 9 years ago. I was determined to let my youngest live a full life not constrained by my fears. I was terrible when she was younger but it is better now.

I actually could not go to the swimming lessons. My Dad took care of that for me. There is a time and place for heli-Mom. The trick is to know when and where.

By Jesse's Girl

January 15, 2008 3:54 PM | Link to this

Lynette….I am so sorry for your loss. I always find myself crying and re-focusing every time I think of my friend who lost her child. Unfortunately, she was unable to push through it.

By Lynette

January 15, 2008 4:26 PM | Link to this

The strange thing is that the youngest is a great swimmer and loves water sports.

My oldest now 23 almost is terrified of the water.

I had to go on for the others. I had no real choice. My love for them pushed me through. My marriage however, did fail. I do not think the death of our son was to blame but it did add to the stress and strain.

By nurse&mother

January 15, 2008 4:32 PM | Link to this

I have the tendency to be a helicopter parent. I will say I have made great strides to back off little by little. My daughter is actually the one that is demanding a little more freedom. I think most of the things she is asking is reasonable. I agree with the other posters who state that there is a time and a place.

My daughter is in the 5th grade and I think that she is old enough that she needs to be responsible in her academics completely. She has a planner that is supposed to be signed every night. She is to write down all her homework or cross out each subject if she doesn’t have any. She rarely writes anything down. I refuse to sign it if nothing is written. She makes all A’s, but on a recent social studies fair project, she had about half the work done before Christmas break. She forgot to finish it and had to frantically finish the rest in one day. She placed third place and was extremely disappointed because there were only three projects in her particular subject (so she got last place). I told her next time she needed to try to remember her projects and that if she had put more work into it, she might have gotten first. Lessons learned.

It seems like it has been a little easier to let her have a longer leash this past year (within reason). I realize that she needs to start learning some consequences for her actions (or lack of actions). I think that I do “hover” around my just turned two year old (yesterday). I think that the very little ones need much hovering than school age especially when it comes to safety.

I am appalled that a mother would intervene in her college age child!!!!!! Wow, I thought I was bad. I must be living under a rock up here in extreme North Georgia! Are these children not extremely embarrassed?

By nurse&mother

January 15, 2008 4:37 PM | Link to this

Any suggestions on how to help an almost 11year old keep up with her possessions? She loses everything. She lost one slipper at her best friend’s house this weekend. She lost a pair of crocs at her grandmother’s house on Thanksgiving (still can’t find them). Those are just a few examples out of countless. It is extremely frustrating, not to mention costly.

When I was her age, I was the complete opposite. I was OCD at an early age (LOL!).

By FCM

January 15, 2008 4:56 PM | Link to this

Nurse & Mom: This could work—You bought the first pair, the next pair is on her. She’ll appreciate it more if she paid for it. You would not be hovering to help her figure out ways to earn the money for the shoes/stuff. Guidance is part of the job duties of a parent.

By Jesse's Girl

January 15, 2008 5:10 PM | Link to this

For the love of God Nurse/mother…..I think we share the same child!!! Right down to the project that was half done during the Christmas Break to the inability to keep up with her things!!! Mine is a 5th grader too. It is driving me CRAZY!!! She loses everything. She has been a straight A student all her life….no B’s in sight. But I can’t for the life of me figure out how! She’s nuts! And don’t even get me started on the hormones. She’s the one I am hovering presently. I never know when she wants to cuddle or be left alone. All of her signals are evil these days. We did sit down and have the personal responsibilty talk this weekend. She will be 11 on Saturday and we had planned to give her my old cell phone with a set number of min. But now we don’t know. It will be lost in a week. She’s on restriction right now because in her attempt to get warm this morning, she placed a shirt on her heater. The heater nearly blew slap up! BUt did she tell me? No. I found out when it started smoking! Not a good way to start your b-day. She hears the responsibility lecture quite a bit. The thing is….you can trust her with anything! Its just “stuff” that she loses all of the time…..and the occassional near fires:) Sorry…had to vent.

By fk

January 15, 2008 5:18 PM | Link to this

N&M…my friend had a similar situation. Her 14 y/o son lost his retainer 2x. (As if braces weren’t expensive enough—-$$$). The first time he lost it, she paid for the replacement. The second time, he paid for it…all $250. It took him many weeks to repay (they came up with a weekly payment). Tough wake-up call, but he’s not misplaced anything in three years.