MOMania

By JJ

October 25, 2007 8:32 AM | Link to this

I can’t really contribute to today’s topic, as I haven’t really started dating and I’ve been divorced for 15 years. Sad huh?

I focused on raising my child. Since her father left, I chose to put my life on hold and be there for my daughter.

Now she is older, and I am scared to start dating. I have been out of the loop for so long, I don’t even know what to do. If a man asked me out, I would have no idea where to go or what to do……again - sad huh?

Oh well, I am happy with my life, but I would love to have a companion. I just don’t know where to start. Please don’t suggest church, as I am not a church goer.

By NICK

October 25, 2007 8:39 AM | Link to this

JJ,

Try www.adultfriendfinder.com.

By sharon

October 25, 2007 8:46 AM | Link to this

I feel divorced or single parents should wait at least six months before introducing the person they are dating to their children. It is also imperative that parents not leave their children alone with these people until a year has passed. In fact, I’m totally against children being left alone with any one other than a trustworthy, stable relative. The child needs to be old enough to know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Finally, don’t ever, ever put the person you’re dating before your children. I’ve seen to many case where the women put their needs before the children with very dire consequences.

By Jj

October 25, 2007 8:54 AM | Link to this

Thanks Nick….I’ve give it a look.

By JJ

October 25, 2007 8:56 AM | Link to this

Nick Shame on you. That was a bad site!!! I’m not into swinging or Bondage….

By newlydivorced

October 25, 2007 9:03 AM | Link to this

Why do you have to put times and lengths on certain decisions? Personally, I have not introduced my daughter to anyone, because I don’t want to take a chance in people coming and going in her life. I am not going to put a time limit on it either, but if I feel things are getting serious, then I will consider introducing her to the person. I say do what feels comfortable to you.

By sharon

October 25, 2007 9:07 AM | Link to this

JJ I commend you for putting your daughter first. Now it’s time to take care of you. Nick gave a great suggestion. Online dating is the way to go. It’s the new “blind date”. My closet friend met her fiance online. He is a great guy.

By One

October 25, 2007 9:10 AM | Link to this

Never married, single parent, and my dating rules are pretty clear. He doesn’t get to meet my child until he’s been around for a long time. I never set a 3/6/9 mth rule, because then they’ll think, “well, all I have to do is keep up this act for 3/6/9 mths, then she’ll drop her guard”. I always say, it’s when I feel like he’s passed certain tests/requirements……..and depending on the person that could be a yr or longer. Which also means, NO, he can’t come to my house (or at least not when she’s home, which is almost all the time). She knows I will date (albeit not often, too busy being the “head of household”), and she knows my rules and why they are there. I have to disagree with the “leaving your child with someone only after a year”. They would just act sane for a year, and then when you turn your back, BAM!!! I agree with not putting anyone before your childs safety and happiness. If once my daughter meets someone and truly doesn’t like him, he’s GONE!! Now this may not work so well for people with bratty, manipulative kids, but if your relationship with your kids is good, and you know they are not acting this way just to get your undivided attention, then by all means listen!!! My rule is, “if she doens’t like you, you’re out the door!!!”

By Jesse's Girl

October 25, 2007 9:17 AM | Link to this

This is a tricky one…..there is no correct answer. As a child of a twice divorced mother…once at age 3 and again at 17…I have experience with both ends of the spectrum. When children are very young, the parents (particularly the primary caregiver) need to take special heed in the signals they send. Like it or not, all children place their parents in certain roles. There is always the one parent they expect to be more stable and responsible. Thats not to say one is always seen as a goof-off…but the perceived difference is real to the child.

If the parents start dating right away….for example if there was a physical separation before the divorce making it seem more acceptable….the kids may still see this as a slap in the face. My personal opinion is this….if you must date, do it only when the kids are away for the visitation weekend. If sole custody is with one parent with no visitation….make sure you date in secret for a while. There is nothing worse than someone you don’t know very well being around your kids and forming a bond. If they connect with them and not you…whatcha gonna do then? You have to end it and the kids are disappointed all over again.

My point? Kids…regardless of age…personalize divorce. When I was 3, I was sure it was because I wasn’t a good girl. Whe I was 17, I was taking unconcious mental notes that marriage was flawed and not worth the energy. Spend quality time with your children before, during and after the divorce. Its not just a marriage that is ending….its their identity.

By Happily married 13 years

October 25, 2007 9:38 AM | Link to this

JJ,

Here’s an idea that will not land you on a bad website. Since your child is almost grown, this might be a good time to consider going back to school. There are lots of nice, motivated men working on college campuses and going back to school too. You can get a good education and maybe something more. Take it from me- my wonderful, perfect husband is an academic. At our wedding my five-year-old daughter gave me away. In actuality, I gave her the greatest present of her life on that day: a loving, devoted man who was willing to be the father that her real father was not. She is almost 18 now and we are a wonderful family.

Just an idea!

By FCM

October 25, 2007 9:43 AM | Link to this

I do not date. I have friends/co workers that I go out with…usually in groups. Some are married, some single, but no real dates.

One of my neighbors moved in to the neighborhood when I was having very bad patch with the ‘ex’ making threatening calls/behavior. This neighbor and I were part of those groups that go out. HE was looking for a place to live so decided to move nearby incase I needed some help. The children have met this person, at our community pool, on walks in the neighborhood, and so forth. It was more than a year after I had known him that this occurred. I do not leave the children with him but he has come to watch a movie or have dinner with us. The children do like him and consider him a friend to them. They asked once if we would get married, and we told them no…because he knows he has no desire to be a husband or father.

Of course I have female friends that we do dinner a movies with too. That come to my home and do the same things the male friend above does.

Then again we have married friends over to do these things too. Some have children some don’t.

I think it is very important and healthy that children see you model good relationships with BOTH sexes regardless of your/or the friends’ martial status.

JJ- I have heard good and bad on the online dating thing. However, like you I don’t date so who knows?

By Alonzo

October 25, 2007 10:08 AM | Link to this

Start doing alot of coke to loosen up. Get the juices flowin’.

By C

October 25, 2007 10:08 AM | Link to this

I guess anyone who has gone through this situation (either as a child or as a divorced parent) will have different circumstances around it. I’ve been in both places since my parents divorced when I was 9 and I was divorced when I was 30. My kids were still young (three of them under 5) when the divorce was finalized so I don’t think any of them except the oldest knew what to make of it. Really I don’t think it had much of an impact since their father was never home except 1 or 2 weekends a month (because of his job) anyway.

I didn’t really want to start “dating” again but began seeing someone that I had known for many years as a friend. We’d lost touch but then started talking again. Well, we hit it off & have been together for 2 1/2 yrs now. I guess since I knew in the beginning that neither of us wanted anything like a committed relationship (so we thought at the time,) there was no point in bringing my kids into it. After a few months of seeing him on the weekends when my ex had the kids (only time we did see each other,) we knew that it was more than casual.

We lived about 2 hours away from each other & I brought the kids with me to McD’s to meet him one day. That was about 4-5 months after we started dating. Then the kids & I started coming to visit each weekend that my ex didn’t have the kids & we would all hang out together. That lasted for about a year & then the kids & I moved in.

He’s wonderful with my kids even though he has never been around children much at all. Helps with homework, dinners, treats them as individuals, etc… I couldn’t ask for any better & I’m glad we took it slow when we were dating. I’d told him before that if my kids had a serious problem with him or they just couldn’t get along, he’d be the one to go. :) But thank God, they really love him & he loves all of us (me most of all) too.

By JJ

October 25, 2007 10:15 AM | Link to this

Happily married 13 years That is such a sweet story.

I have considered going back to school and taking some business classes. A friend and I are starting a very small business, and I could always use a refresher course or two. I already run the company I work for, but gaining more knowledge is wonderful.

Thanks, and again, that was a very sweet story. When (not if - power of positive thinking) I remarry, my daughter will give me away. We have already talked about it…..one day…

By hotlanta

October 25, 2007 10:16 AM | Link to this

Good point FCM about modeling good behavior with both sexes. Girls also needs to know that every man that comes in contact with you. DON’T want you sexually and to have some men as friends. JJ putting your life on hold. What is wrong with the opposite sex just taking you to dinner/movie. Our kids needs to see us with people doing such things. That is called living. I tell people such as my brother and his wife always saying they are not gonna travel unitl the kids get grown. Right now they are 21 and 23. I asked him what if they NEVER grow up. They could be 30 years old and still has the mindset of a 15 year old. That is why you are scared. That is okay. I see this with women all of the time and we need to STOP IT. I continue to live my life when my kids was small. My girls saw me getting dress and the man coming to house to pick me up to take mommy out. I didn’t meet them several times and then he showed up at the door and I told my girls this my boyfriend. NO!!!!Because they need to know what to do. My old boss daughter had told her that one day. They had a fight and she told her that she never saw her with a man, so did not know what to do when she started dating. Girls need to know it is okay to be with someone and breakup because that is a part of life. We need to stop meeting men and think because we get a flutter in our hearts, we gotta get married and lived happily ever after. Dating is a process to get to the next level. JJ the first thing you need to do is start with you but you will be okay. Be careful saying to some men you haven’t dated in a long time because they will either think you are desperate or take advantage of you.

By deidreNC

October 25, 2007 10:17 AM | Link to this

i made the choice to raise my youngest daughter with no step dad after my older kids got trashed in the split up from the youngest ones dad (their step father) she is 15 now and i may or may not date—ive kind of grown to love my space…

By VLS

October 25, 2007 10:18 AM | Link to this

I agree with newlydivorced. I filed for divorce in March of 2006 and it was final in July of 2006. I just happened to meet someone (was not looking) and we just hit it off right away. I was very guarded and made sure that I took care of my children and myself first before thinking that I could serious right away with anyone. We needed to adjust to our new life and that was my goal. However, it just so happened that about the 6 month mark or so the children were curious as to who this man was that I was spending time with…so I felt that it was time and that I was ready. The one thing that I made sure before bringing my boyfriend around the children was that my children understood was that this new man in my life was NOT their father, nor a replacement of their father and never would be. I think with this understanding it made the process a little easier for all…wasn’t expectations.

By Lynn

October 25, 2007 10:20 AM | Link to this

Mine started as a friendship. After renting a nice little house, I met a very sweet single neighbor that was more than willing to help with anything I needed. I lived in a suburb area with back roads that stretched few and far between before finding civilization other than the neighbors in the area, so finding a friendly “safe” guy in the area made me feel a little more at ease. I learned later that he had feelings for me from the first day he met me although I thought of him as just a nice guy. He would come by to check if we needed anything and he had such a way with kids even though he didn’t have any of his own, that my girls took up with him right away. It was months of being friends (in my opionion anyway) that I started to notice him in a different way. Here he was one of the kindest men I have ever met, single, childless and my kids loved him. After about a year of sneaking kisses, we told the girls about us and they were thrilled. 5 years after meeting, I married this great guy and we’re all a big happy family now.

By ladyt

October 25, 2007 10:29 AM | Link to this

I am going through that right now. And here is my answer. If i do not feel it is right then he will not meet my children. But i think that if you are dating someone you can not be with that person for more than 6 months to let them meet the children. My children get a say in who i am dating too. they are the best judge if the person is not right for me then they know. I am not moving to the next pahes with out there approval.

By C

October 25, 2007 10:46 AM | Link to this

I am a child of divorced parents. From what I remember both my mom and my dad brought us around the people they were dating. When I was younger it was hard because they both were engaged a couple of different times. I remember really liking the people they were with and then all of a sudden they weren’t around any more. My sister and I had even picked out our rooms at one guys house and my mom wasn’t even engaged yet! I remember when I was in middle school my mom coming into my room one day and telling me she really liked a guy at church and wanted to ask him to be her “date” to a church function but she was really nervous about it. That was really cool to me because she was open and honest with me. That man is now my step-dad and they have been married over 12 years. I think being open and honest with your children (when they’re at the age you think they can handle it) is the way to go - speaking from personal experience.

By hotlanta

October 25, 2007 10:51 AM | Link to this

Ladyt I ain’t trying to be funny but I curious to ask. How old are your children for you to say you are not moving to the next phase without their approval? How much input do you put into their relationships if they are addults. If they are kids that might be cute but as they get older would they make a move without your approval. NO. They might tell you to butt out. I don’t mind meeting someone family but if I gotta feel like I am talking to Jack and the team from Without A Trace, it is not even worth it. Being close is good but sometimes it can be bad and keeps us from thinking for ourselves. Just like that crazy girl last night on ANTM. Got a once in a lifetime shot and talking about she miss and father and family. I said to myself go back home and don’t have a job and you need to borrow some money, somebody gonna tell her you had a chance at a good future and BLEW IT!!!!!!

By ladyt

October 25, 2007 11:04 AM | Link to this

My son is 6 and my little girl is 9 months old.

By ladyt

October 25, 2007 11:07 AM | Link to this

I want my childrens approval because like it or not that with be their dad as well as my partner. So they need to like him too

By Happliy married 13 Years

October 25, 2007 11:20 AM | Link to this

JJ,

Thanks for the kind words. Just one more thing… Four years ago I went back to school to get my master’s degree. A lot of my classmates were very nice single men. Something to think about…

By John in Tampa, Fla

October 25, 2007 11:43 AM | Link to this

It has been my experience that dating before divorce often leads to dating after divorce.

By hotlanta

October 25, 2007 11:56 AM | Link to this

So your 9 month old daughter can tell you whether or not she likes somebody. What do she do throw a bottle at them or something. You are letting your small kids determine your adult life. No wonder you haven’t had a date in years, you are not adult enough to make your own decisions.

By Jesse's Girl

October 25, 2007 11:56 AM | Link to this

Please don’t write like you talk…its very annoying. Thank you.

By texmex

October 25, 2007 12:02 PM | Link to this

My ex started dating right after our divorce. But I understand that, because she always was a pig. I sent the w******* a vibrator as a divorce gift.

By hotlanta

October 25, 2007 12:07 PM | Link to this

Please honey. Slow your roll it ain’t that deep. You should be annoyed with a grown woman letting her kids. Yet one is still in diapers determine who she goes out with.

By By me

October 25, 2007 12:09 PM | Link to this

The work is so slow today, so i will chime in my opinion.

I think it is imperative to have some “girl-friends” and “guy-friends” regardless of whether you are divorced or not. Put it this way: it is a part of a balanced life because a friend is a friend. I would hate my girls to grow up thinking that the only guy that a woman can have in her life is a boyfriend/lover (and vice versa with sons). That said, I think it is perfectly OK to invite someone to your house right after divorce for example for dinner or a movie. Just make sure he/she does not stay late or does not sleep over. It is simple: kids have their friends and you have your friends.

By By me

October 25, 2007 12:17 PM | Link to this

One more thing. Why would you need your kid’s approval to date or get re-married? Unless you let your kids control all your life, this statement does not make any sense. You choose your spouse because you will be spending the rest of your life with the spouse. The decision whether or nor your new friend fits step dad/mom role should be left up to you. Don’t complicate kid’s life by asking them to make such a big decision. If you are a good, attentive parent you will know the answer. Kids may have many choices in their life, but with whom mommy/daddy lives or sleeps is not one of them.

By FmrSnglMom

October 25, 2007 12:34 PM | Link to this

JJ, I commend you for putting your child first after after your divorce: a lot of parents don’t do that and their children suffer the consequences.

I know you asked folks not suggest trying church and I can understand why you might feel that way because I used to feel that way too. Then a friend and I decided to try North Point Community Church in Alpharetta one Sunday. It was like no other church I’d ever attended. It’s a huge church to be sure, but it’s friendly and non-judgmental. It is most certainly a church that believes in and preaches the Bible but even if you aren’t a believer the most messages are relevant to everyones’ life.

The church is an interesting mix of young and old, married and single. It does take some effort to get involved but there are many avenues available. The church has a great divorce recovery program called Oasis. While most people who attend the program are separated or newly dovirced, some folks attend a long time after their divorce like I did.

If you don’t live near Alpharetta the church also has a campus in Buckhead called Buckhead Church and there is a third campus called Browns Bridge about 20 miles north of Alpharetta on 400.

I started attending North Point eight years ago (seven years post divorce)when I had about given up on dating and, sadly, on my group of girlfriends (also single moms) whose life-styles didn’t mesh with being parents. At NPCC I meet people that I wanted to be around and who helped me be a better person and a better parent. I am so glad I went there that one Sunday on a whim.

By Kitty

October 25, 2007 12:41 PM | Link to this

By me, why are you so uptight about this???

By texmex

October 25, 2007 12:41 PM | Link to this

Forcing kids into religion is child abuse.

By JJ

October 25, 2007 12:47 PM | Link to this

FmrSnglMom Thanks, maybe Ill give that a shot….

I wasn’t raised in the church so I’m not really comfortable in a church setting. I have thought about “Community” churches just to meet people in my community. There is a nice big one in Sugar Hill and I have thought about it……

By Atlanta Pearl Girl

October 25, 2007 12:50 PM | Link to this

Well…. I’m a pro and should receive a free puppy by now.

I somewhat follow the Dr. Laura venue.. (remember that one? the caustic advice giver? She was a doozy)… but one thing she did say, is that no one meets your kids. They don’t need to. No need to bring your kids in the drama unless you have been dating for a while, and you feel this is going to be permanent. Even then…it’s tricky.

I’m taking a dating sebbatical at the moment. I need a breather. It’s pretty simple who I want and need too. Intelligent…successful…eduated…older…..enjoys my quirkiness and I Love Lucy mind….. thinks I hung the moon. Now is that too much to ask? Holy Cow.

Atlanta Pearl Girl

By JJ

October 25, 2007 1:02 PM | Link to this

Justme I won’t bring home anyone that my child is not comfortable with/around. My child is my #1 priority and I wont be selfish enough to tell her “too bad” or “get used to it”. I wont do that to her, because I don’t want to loose her. If she isn’t comfortable, then I’m not comfortable and I will not force the situation on her. I may not need her “approval” but if I chose to let a man into our lives, she needs to have a little input into the situation. After all, it’s just been the two of us all her life. She has never seen me parade men in and out of our home.

By By me

October 25, 2007 1:12 PM | Link to this

Kitty: i am not uptight, i just have a strong opinion that i formed from my experience. Plus, i have a mother who always tells me how she gave up her life to raise me and my brother. Obviously, she was living through her kids, which does not make easy on us even when we are fully grown up.

I believe the best environment for kids is a balanced environment. Kids need to see their parents having friends, going to parties, having fun, moving on and dating (in case of a divorce). “Putting my kids first” is not the right approach, at least in my opinion. Not for me to judge, but i think a lot of marriages fall apart for the same reason. Couples put kids in the center of universe and forget about each other, which ultimately leads to a divorce.

By By me

October 25, 2007 1:29 PM | Link to this

JJ: so you met a guy, dated for a while. You fell in love with him, like his qualities and you think he will be a good step father for your daughter. Youo want to marry him. You introduce him to your child and your child does not like him. Will you break up?

My point is, you let your child control your life. You will live to learn that there will be a period in your life when your own kid will tell you that they hate you or they do not like you. And you will need to make it work, because kids ain’t choosing the parents.

I agree with Atlanta Pearl girl. You do not need kids approval if you know that the relationship is permanent.

By Donna P.

October 25, 2007 1:30 PM | Link to this

My parents divorced in 1966 when I was 6 months old. My mom dated when she could find men who didn’t mind her having 3 kids. HOWEVER, some of the men used the old “I like you but am not ready for kids right now” excuse to dump her. It happened 3 times from what I remember. My brothers and I started to be super nice to the men and stay out of their way when they came to visit with our mom. It still didn’t matter. She actually started resenting us for it. My dad married several more times after our mom and had more kids. One of our step-mothers was great! The other one was nightmare. She hated us to no end and wouldn’t let us get to know our half siblings. It is a tough road out there for divorced men and women. The “other” person is sometimes an a* to the kids of their spouse/significant other.

By JJ

October 25, 2007 1:33 PM | Link to this

Sorry, my comments were directed to ByMe, not Justme…

By chakra7

October 25, 2007 1:38 PM | Link to this

I’ve been divorced now for seven years and have dated or gone out over that time. One thing, unexpectedly, that I’ve experienced are certain single men who, regardless of age, have the assumption that single women with kids have lower standards when it comes to dating and their choices in men, and that certain allowances would be made such as just hanging out at my house as opposed to actually going out and getting to know each other - that’s just tacky to me.

By JJ

October 25, 2007 1:44 PM | Link to this

ByMe First off, in your example, I would not allow the relationship to progress towards marriage, then drop the bomb on my child. She would have had to have met him, and spent time with him for me to get there. I would NEVER consider marrying a man who I have not introduced to my child.

If the relationship was permanent, then she would have been involved way before it got serious enough to discuss marriage.

I believe it would be entirely too selfish for me to marry a man she didn’t like. I run the risk of loosing her for him, and I aint gonna go there!!!!

I have to ask, are you married, and do you have children? I would never put my wants in front of my child’s needs.

By JODI

October 25, 2007 1:55 PM | Link to this

I have been divorced for over 4 years now - I have three kids under 12 - I would love to meet someone - but I have decided there is no one out there like me. So rather then go thru hell everyday - I get involved with my kids and drink beer with my neighbors.

By hotlanta

October 25, 2007 2:01 PM | Link to this

First of all you will ask them what is it you don’t like about the person YOU want to be with. Because if a child is selfish and want the two of you all to themselves, they ain’t gonna like anybody you bring around them. No matter what they do they will never be satisfied. Kids don’t like adults anyway. They don’t like their teachers in school who is trying to give them an education. Hell they don’t even like YOU and you are the parent. SO what makes you think they are gonna want another adult around trying to tell them what to do. Think about it when you are 75 years old surrounded with 200 cats in your house while your darling child is out doing whatever they want to do and don’t give a flip what you got to say about it.

By By me

October 25, 2007 2:09 PM | Link to this

JJ: i am married and i do have children.

We just have a different point of view. Maybe because i have not lived in your shoes.

I understand you being concerned about your child’s needs, but at a young age a child has a very “loose” understanding of what parent he or she needs. A kid may like one person more, another person less, but in general thay are OK with a person if a parent likes that person. Have your kids ever disliked any of your friends to the extent that you have to brake up the friendship?

I have seen many divorced kids and the issue is not whether a kid likes or does not like a boyfriend/girfriend. Issue is that the kid has fear for loosing the parent to another person.

By JODI

October 25, 2007 2:10 PM | Link to this

JJ - AINT IS NOT A WORD

By By me

October 25, 2007 2:24 PM | Link to this

JODI: cha.. good for you… Long time ago i broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. I tried to find someone, but no one was “good enough for me”, so i gave up and decided to live my life and travel. After 4 months i met my husband at the deli store by a desert section. We have been sweethearts since.

By JODI

October 25, 2007 2:35 PM | Link to this

At first I got depressed - thinking I will never meet someone - I have had friends try and set me up a few times - even got good sex ( of course this occurs every other weekend when the kids are with their father) but in the end the men were lazy - would rather sit and watch tv then go to the mountains or work around a house - I am an outdoor person - love to work around my house - NOT many men can say that these days. So I finally realized I am to head-strong independant - dont tell me what to do type of person. Not many men out there would like that - and I am athletic and good looking to boot! Do I hope I meet someone someday that is like me - well yes of course - but not in this stinking state! ALSO - I would never never bring a man around my kids until I have dated him 1 year - to many perverts out there that pray on kids and women who have no self respect!

By sharon

October 25, 2007 2:43 PM | Link to this

“By me” nine times out of ten when a child doesn’t like the person you’re dating there is a reason. Naturally we would know if our children are being bratty towards that person. If you know your child and their temperament then you would know if their dislike is legit. Children and other people see things that we don’t see or want to see.

By War Eagle

October 25, 2007 2:48 PM | Link to this

Nick-adult friend finder is a service to hook up and get laid on the side-full of married women and men. JJ-try a match maker-i tried one and it had both single and single with kids in it-tried the single only and during one date, the woman asked what I normally do for dates-she then said “do all your dates include dinner?” Alarm went off-I was going to be her dinner caterer. Felt used and these people were like celebrities-bed hoppers. tried the single with kids and hit it off. They were more apt to be a settle down crowd than the wild bunch just out of college. CHURCH is NOT the answer-too many stuck up people and then if it does not work-you have to see these A holes every Sunday. If your life revolves around CHURCH, you need a 180 life change.

By JODI

October 25, 2007 2:53 PM | Link to this

A-MEN WAR EAGLE - YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!

By nowsingle

October 25, 2007 2:56 PM | Link to this

It’s hard to start dating again even if you don’t have kids. After being married for 8 years and divorced for 1, I really don’t know where to start or how to start. I’m educated, have a good job, own my own home and still can’t seem to meet an available woman with similar interests…kids or no kids.

By seethere

October 25, 2007 3:03 PM | Link to this

Athough I’ve never been divorced I am a widow and I’ve started dating. I would only introduce my kids to a man that I’m seeing exclusively. If I’m just dating then my kids will not meet him. As far as letting my kids determine who I should date/marry/relate to is not for them to decide. I am their parent not their friend. A child should know their place, most parents have reverse the role of parent and child.

By By me

October 25, 2007 3:05 PM | Link to this

JODI just a few days ago i and my girlfriends were talking how marriage changed our lives. And we all noticed how “honey when can you see me” and “honey let’s go out” turned into “honey what’s for dinner” and “honey where is the remote control”.

By blakgirl

October 25, 2007 3:05 PM | Link to this

Hotlanta, That’s what I told my daughters when I explain to them why I am starting to date again and go back to school. When they grow up and move on with their lives I don’t want to be the crazy church or cat lady. Kids should be a priority, but your life shouldn’t revolve around them. My sister went through the same thing with her daughter, but she married the guy despite my niece’s not liking him. He turned out to be a great guy and she’s closer to him than her biological father(the deadbeat)

By ln

October 25, 2007 3:14 PM | Link to this

Why is it that almost all of these postings are from women? What happened to the divorced men raising their children?

By JJ

October 25, 2007 3:16 PM | Link to this

Ya know, I have yet to hear a successful internet dating story. Every single one of my friends on Match.com have had horrible experiences, and no one is dating anyone they have met online.

Another friend did “power dating” and went out with 7 guys in 7 nights. Not oneended up in any kind of relationship, but she did get some great dinners…..

So needless to say, I’m leary of dating online……

By JODI

October 25, 2007 3:22 PM | Link to this

BY ME - It is so true! Men are wonderful the first 3 months - then they show there true colors. I will say this once - they are only good for one thing - bling my big question for all you is - why do you feel you need another person in your life? Why do people think when a relationship ends you have to find a replacement? That is why so many people are divorced today - they jump from one person to the next - you need to give yourself time after a relationship that has gone bad and learn to be independant and do things for your self - if you meet someone thats great but dont live life thinking you have to be with someone.

By hotlanta

October 25, 2007 3:24 PM | Link to this

Chile the men ain’t got time to join in today. They are trying to figure out how K-Fed got lucky when he married Brittany, divorced her and waiting on his golden goose to come in.

By John in Tampa, Fla

October 25, 2007 3:25 PM | Link to this

Most of the men i know couldn’t get a date in a w******* with a $100.00 bill.

By Ya Hoo

October 25, 2007 3:26 PM | Link to this

well, it seems to me that there are more women than men so naturally. BTW-here is a question-would single parent black women try dating a white guy as a change of pace?

By Wen

October 25, 2007 3:28 PM | Link to this

I have been fortunate enough to have met a man a little over a year ago who is very considerate of my children, and we are looking forward to going the distance… My children are 16 & 9, and a few things he insist on and I agree wholeheartly 1) he will not put himself in a compromising position (i.e., caught in or coming out of my mommy’s bed/room), and 2) visits at my home are of a resonable length… he’s not sitting around on my couch hours and hours (as he puts it, all up in my childrens faces). He is a man who recognizes that to get respect you must also give it. My children like him and look forward to his visits, they know we are a couple and swear we are dating like dinasours… experiences in life have taught me that patience IS a virtue. These days everything good is fast, children need to see that even better than good things can come out of sloooowwww too.

By FCM

October 25, 2007 3:32 PM | Link to this

In—-I was wondering something similar. Is it easier for the man to date than the woman? Is it because he is non-custodial? I am sure part of why my ex did not exercise his visitation is he had a live in g/f (we have one of ‘those’ clauses in our decree and he SCREAMED about it)…I never met her, but I found ‘signs’. I never cared that he had someone…actually I don’t like anyone to be alone in the world….I just hate he would put a ‘her’ in front of his kids like that.

I see myself in a temporary state for now…when things are right I will know to date again.

By By me

October 25, 2007 3:34 PM | Link to this

Divorced men raise their children: they pay child support and alimony :-). Women take care of kids.

Married men raise their children: they make money for family. Women take care of kids plus husbands. ;-).

Women talk to make life easier: they complain about husbands to each other. Men don’t talk - they watch TV and drink beer.

These are generalizations, but they prooved to be true for my grandparents, my parents and i see the same happening to me…

By JODI

October 25, 2007 3:38 PM | Link to this

john in tampa: if I meet a guy that I think I could be compatible with I would not care if he had any money - or good looks - I would like to meet someone who just wants to laugh and have fun - money cant buy love and happiness! k-fed just got lucky because Brittany is a looser

By blakgirl

October 25, 2007 3:38 PM | Link to this

Ya Hoo, I dated a white guy for a year. We broke up, because I went back to school to pursue my Masters and couldn’t devote the time to a serious relationship and kids. But we’re still friends and have the upmost respect for each other. I’m now dating again and I’m open to all races

By hotlanta

October 25, 2007 3:42 PM | Link to this

No I would not date a white guy as a change of pace. Because I know if I went somewhere and saw a phune 747 piece of sweet dark chocolate coming through the door I am gonna wanna get with him. HANDS DOWN and no questions asked.

By By me

October 25, 2007 3:42 PM | Link to this

FCM i know 4 divorced women and all of them experienced the same thing: kids have easier time when daddy finds a girfriend than when mommy finds a boyfriend. My friend even asked her 8 year old daughter why she thinks this way and she answered: because mommy is not allowed to date.

By JJ

October 25, 2007 3:44 PM | Link to this

Jodi I don’t NEED a man in my live, obviously as I have been single for 15 years. I WANT a companion. Someone to talk to about my job, my life, etc. Someone to work in the yard with, someone to go to the mountains with, someone to be romantic with, etc……I’m not looking to get married right away, just looking for someone to do things with, other than my girlfriends.

I have never felt the NEED to have a man or be in a relationship. I am quite independent, however, I would love to have a companion, a man who enjoys the things I do. An adult to talk to about my day.

There is a difference in wanting and needing….

By Wen

October 25, 2007 3:47 PM | Link to this

@JJ I met my guy online over a year ago, as it turned out we were both on the same page, we were interested developing a long/life lasting relationship. I’m sure there are other very honest, decent and hard working folks online (I was one, he was one). Unfortunately, there are alot of crazy people online too. I dare say about the same number you might run into at the gas station, grocery store, church, etc. Online is just a means to meet potentials, especially if you’re not interested in clubbing or heavy afterwork meet/greets and such.

By JODI

October 25, 2007 3:51 PM | Link to this

JJ - hate to burst your bubble - the kind of man your looking for only exist in the romance novels!

By Lynn

October 25, 2007 4:09 PM | Link to this

Jodi, not true. If you have standards for yourself and attract others like you, it’s not that complicated. Too many people go into the dating world trying to be something they are not. How can you meet someone who shares your interest when you don’t put them out for show? Just being you can score big with the gents.

By JODI

October 25, 2007 4:18 PM | Link to this

Lynn - I am out everyday - I dont hide who I am - I never pretend to be anything but who I am - but because I have children I dont hang out in bars because I am past that age or date on-line - god just watch dateline! The men I do meet are usually married and just want a screw - or dont want a women with kids. But I see the flip side - I also dont want many of them - most are over weight - lazy - and not good bed partners!

By bout time

October 25, 2007 5:13 PM | Link to this

finally someone with sense enough to know how to act. I applaud you and your good sense Seethere. If a woman, or man, is foolish enough to let a child determine if they will or will ot date someone they deserve what they get. As far as the I know my child train of thought there are many many convicts in the state pens with parents who claim ” my child didn’t do that or isn’t capable of that.” Make your own decisions and help your child understand why you made it and what it is you see in the person, you never know what you may miss or have missed because you think your child can see something you can’t. What a stupid statement. And yes I have been in a relationship with a lazy and her kids and thought of them as my own until their mother decided she would take advantage of that and seeing their mother do the kids thought it was a good thing for them to do. While a lady with kids ( and good sense) deserves to have somebody to I am done with that. If i raise anymore kids they will be mine.

By bout time

October 25, 2007 5:24 PM | Link to this

JJ if you decide that online dating is something you want to look into a little more I recommend this site to help. I have been online for the better part of 20 years and have seen many many relationships develop good and bad, it’s like everything else it is what you make of it, just use your head.

By fk

October 25, 2007 6:20 PM | Link to this

JJ…

Two of my older sisters and an older brother have divorced. My oldest sister divorced her husband when their daughter was six. She did not date until my niece was finished with high school. She has since married…met her husband online! He lived only a few miles away and they grew up only a few towns apart. They never would have met if it had not been for the internet.

My other sister married again, to a man who was her boss, who everyone but my parents think she was involved with before the first marriage ended. It was a bitter divorce and this relationship hurt both her children and his (#2) from the first marriages. In this instance, it seemed to me that the adults were selfish…all of them, my sister, the ex-husband and the 2nd husband.

My brother divorced when their daughter was about a year old. My niece never experienced the fighting, etc. She never knew her parents together, which I think may be easier, but don’t know for sure. He saw his daughter each and every time the mom allowed it. He met a woman, a friend of one of my friends, several years ago when his daughter was 13. They dated for a while, but it ended once the woman and his daughter met. I don’think my niece was ready to see her dad with anyone. She’s now in college and has matured. She would like to see him meet someone special.

I think it was wise for you to develop such a strong bond with your daughter. My sister and her daughter are very close and my niece realizes the sacrifices my sister made so that they could be happy and successful. Committed relationships don’t complete you, you are complete. Partners complement each other, so long as the partners are right for each other. Good luck.

By bout time

October 25, 2007 6:36 PM | Link to this

JJ sorry forgot to post the web url on the previous post. here it is. http://wildxangel.com/

an online site with advice for online dating and some tips on screening.

By Dating MOM

October 26, 2007 11:45 AM | Link to this

I think that it is healthy to date after divorce. I did not say right away, but as a divorced mother, you want your kids to have a healthy image of dating. I know when I started dating after two years of not dating, my children were a little upset. I explained to them that I deserved some adult companionship. They were “ok” with their Dad dating, but not me. I simply asked them if that was fair on their part. My dating does not and did not take away from their time. I would date when they visited their Dad, which was not easy because he did not always pick them up every other weekend. I just do not think that my life should stop because I have children. As they get older, they will become involved with their friends and move on with their lives. My dating does not supercede my obligations to my children. I do not miss any of their activities for a date, but I firmly believe a “Happy MOM” makes a “Happy Family” in the end.

By kiddinright?

October 26, 2007 1:03 PM | Link to this

Some of you people go how long without companionship or (horrors) sex? You people need to get over yourself. Stuff happens, but that doesn’t mean you have to hit the OFF switch on your life. I was married for 7 years. I got seperated and already had started looking over what was out there. As soon as my divorce became final, I started dating. Yes, there was a “fling” here and there, but that’s called experience. I never let my daughters meet him if it was only a date or two, but after that it was called “Mommy’s friend”. It just makes me shake my head when people believe that there has to be a certain “length of time” before you date after a divorce. Personally, I was glad when it was over and was hoping to find a man that was attractive, good to me and great company. Children are very resilient and they’ll act up if you let them (concerning dates). They have to understand that 90% of the time it’s all about them. The other 10% is all about me.

By caleb

October 26, 2007 3:21 PM | Link to this

Online dating isn’t bad, but a lot of people say it doesn’t work. After looking at the information related to online dating it seems that a couple of things happen.

2. The good guys get hardly any messages from women, and end up going inactive on the dating site.

So if you are a woman on a dating site, its in your best interest to actually message men you are interested in talking to instead of waiting on them to message you.

The other thing about online dating is bad profiles. Too many guys want the hot super model and too many women want the perfect guy, and a lot of them tell you not to bother to contact them if you don’t fit the exact description they request. I would recommend not trying to contact those types of people at all, and instead look for the people who seem sincere and open to a lot of different types of people.

By **Miss Thang**

October 26, 2007 3:43 PM | Link to this

Theres no time period. PERIOD. I was with my ex for a total of 14 yrs, married 8. we have 2 beautiful kids, BUT when it was over.. it was a wrap.. I tried the online dating and saw it more as entertainment than anything.. it was easier to chat online rather than wonder how I ended up a divorced mother of 2 after all those years… like some have mentioned, I started out dating on “visitation weekends”. it was easier that way… I always talked to people on the phone, but never brought anyone around my kids. after dating a guy “every other weekend” for about 8 months I thought it’d be ok to intro him to my kids and u know what?? they didnt take to him, so.. I had to call that one a wrap because yes to me it matters if my kids like the guy or not.. I dont want anyone in my life that my kids dont mesh with. Fast forward 4 1/2 yrs later…. Ive been seeing a guy for about 2 1/2 yrs and my kids love him and he loves them.. we plan to marry soon.. I met him online LOL oh yeah my mom met her hubby online too.. Imagine that!!

By Whatthe?

October 26, 2007 4:19 PM | Link to this

I would just like to comment on all the blogs that are posted today! My ex-husband was sent off to prison for reasons that will not be discussed here, but I have been dating since than and when I got divorced about 6 years ago I met a wonderful guy who had a 22 year old dauther and a 3 year old son. We have since split up because I miss treated him and he could not that the abruse any longer. Now when I meet a new person I let my daughter meet him right away and my reasoning behind that is simple because we have some crazy people in the world and I need to know from the first time he meets her how he looks at her, how he talks to her and how he treats her, I don’t want to be involved with him for months, even a year and than let him meet my child and he turns out to be crazy and now I have to make my heart stop working because of this! It is so much easier if he is a creep from the beginning and I find out early than for him to have been a creep all along and than I find out! But each of you have to do what works for you when it comes to your kids and I respect all of you because it is not easy one way or another!!!