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DEL.ICIO.USAre greedy kids born or raised?
How do you handle your kids’ requests in stores? How do you teach your children to appreciate what you have and what you give them?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When my daughter was a toddler, friends frequently told me what a nightmare it was to take their kids into stores —- begging, grabbing and throwing treats into the cart.
I didn’t know what they were talking about. My first child never asked for anything. Walking though Publix, Target, even a toy store, the child would never beg.
I thought, “Boy, we’ve really instilled good values in this child. She’s not materialistic at all. What good parents we are.”
And then came No. 2.
Same womb, same father, same “good” values instilled, but the child was totally different about material things. From an early age, he was wanting, always begging for the newest toy and the next treat.
With that said, I must take a moment to defend my 4-year-old son. He is the sweetest, most loving, kind-hearted, easy going little fellow you will ever meet. Literally his only fault is that he wants stuff - a lot of stuff. He never throws temper tantrums. He just badgers us with requests. (Oddly though, he is a good sharer. He’s not going to hurt his friends for what he wants, just harass us.)
He’s always got ideas about what candy, toy or prize from McDonald’s he wants next and doesn’t hesitate to share it with you. He recently told my mother, “Mimi, do you want to make me happy? Go to Target and get me a new Robin.” (My mother told him maybe for Christmas.)
We recently attended a pool party with a pirate theme for my son’s buddy. For the first game, the kids had a free-for-all grabbing gold “galleons” off of the bottom of the kiddy pool. My son ended up with about the same amount of plastic coins as the other kids. A little bit later, the other kids joined in on a treasure hunt around the pool area.
But, not my son. He used it as an opportunity to seize other children’s booty that had been left unprotected. He scurried around the table scooping up coins that were on the ground or in chairs shoving them into the bottom of the baby’s stroller. (The coins did seem to be discarded otherwise we wouldn’t have let him take them.)
I have two theories about how greedy kids come to be. One is simply genetics. I don’t think that we’ve done anything differently that would make one child more materialistic than the other. I think we’ve modeled the same good financial behavior to both children. So, my best guess for my son is purely DNA.
I do, however, think that environment can lead to children being unappreciative and materialistic. I think when parents provide too much, kids came become unrelenting in their wants.
I was discussing this subject with a man at church. He was saying he works hard and should be able to buy his kids whatever he wants and doesn’t want them or himself to feel guilty about all that they have.
I told him I think there is a line that gets crossed where success leads to excess. For example, I saw it all the time growing up right here in Gwinnett County. The kids whose parents had a lot didn’t work for their spending money, didn’t work to buy a car and didn’t work to have the nice clothes that they wanted. They were given everything and they didn’t appreciate what they had.
I do think it is totally normal for children to beg and and want, and it’s our responsibility to tell them “NO.” We do buy our little guy treats, but more than three-fourths of his requests are turned down.
I am hoping that he will eventually give up or find a way to finance his own materialism. Lately he has taken to collecting coins left around the house. He’s got a little baggie that he shoves his quarters, dimes and nickels in. While he is coveting the coins, I think it is kind of an improvement because at least he’s collecting to buy things for himself. I think he will become more discriminating with his requests when he has to pay for toys with his “own” money. At least I hope he will.
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Comments
By DB
October 8, 2007 8:00 AM | Link to this
The quickest way for a child to start developing an appreciation for what they have is exposure to kids who are in situations where they are grateful for a new pair of socks for Christmas, never mind the latest iPod.
Kids are very insulated these days by parents who are understand their job as only “protection” and not “raising a human being.” In our family, we always taught the kids that a portion of money that they earned should be set aside for charity — either church or a cause of their choosing. (Usually it was church, but sometimes it was sponsoring a fellow student on a diabetes walk or a cancer run, etc.) There was work at homeless shelters, Scout projects for foster kids, Clark Howard’s Christmas Kids project, etc., etc. It’s easy to do these sorts of things during the holidays, but it’s also extremely rewarding during the other 11 months of the year. :-)
And, it’s also the job of a parent to say “No,” even if they CAN afford it. As I often told my children, “giving a 16 year old a brand new sports carr is child abuse.” :-) They need a (safe) “clunker” that doesn’t cause Dad to go ballistic and screaming, “Ingrate!!” when it gets its inevitable sratches and dents from poor judgement and bad parking jobs in the student lot. They also deserve the thrill and feeling of accomplishment of buying, with their own money, their first new car — whether at age 19 or 25. Why would I deprive them of that feeling of accomplishment? :-) In the same boat, a 17 year old girl does not NEED a $300 Coach purse. A 15 year old boy does not NEED a $200 pair of sneakers. Etc.
My motto is “you get everything you need, and a little of what you want. You want more, then go earn the money for it.” That’s the only side of the coin — the joy of earning something yourself. Odd how things that were “essential to happiness” are suddenly not so essential when a chid has the choice of spending their own money on it. :-)
PS: I don’t think I would have allowed him to simply take the remaining gold coins. Even though they looked discarded, they still belonged to someone else. Snatching up stuff that looks discarded is probably a bad precedent. :-) In my book, the proper thing would have been for him to ask.
By FCM
October 8, 2007 9:13 AM | Link to this
ALLOWANCE—-don’t let Walsh just pick up the coins. That money belongs to somebody…when he get to school and pockets a ‘found’ coin you will get a call from the office about your child ‘stealing’.
A dollar or two a week with and earned trip to the dollar store will teach exactly what you are trying to instill. I am sure there is some job Walsh can do (sort the silverware, put up the towels) that can earn him a dollar.
You are doing well for telling him no to the multitude of requests. Telling a child ‘no’ may just help them with setting expectations.
By Jesse's Girl
October 8, 2007 9:25 AM | Link to this
From day one we have told the kids never to say “I want”. We allow them to say ” I would like to have” Not only does it sound more polite, but I think it birthed an appreciation for what they already had. Thats not to say they don’t occasionally regress to their natural states and let an “I want that” slip out. But when it happens, they always apologize. We spend a good portion of our holidays….and other random times of the year…serving others. I hope they are building a love of giving and serving. They are already talking about adopting a family for Hanukkah/Christmas.
Having said all of this…..Theresa..I feel ya. The Boy does seem to be a tad more materialistic than the girls. He’d gnaw off your arm to get his hands on a sword right now! Although, he never lets a friend walk out of his room empty handed. He gives everything away! He tried to give my best friend’s son a pair of undies out of the clothes basket because they had Super Man on them….they were clean! Apparently The Boy knew of his friend’s love for the man of steel and wanted to make him happy. Mr Jesse said “Give him your sister’s Barbie and tell him its Lois Lane…the under wear stays here”. He ended up just giving him a marshmallow…..he’s a giver!
By Kerry
October 8, 2007 9:30 AM | Link to this
I haven’t had any issues with my daughter - yet. She’s only 2, so it may change. She’ll ask for things when we’re at the store, but will just put it back if I say no. The only time she gets upset is when you’ve already given her something and then take it away from her to ring it up. She doesn’t appear to be greedy and she shares pretty good with other people (adults and kids). I agree that it could just be a genetic thing. I only have a problem with people who want things, if they get upset when they don’t get them. You can’t always get what you want!
By FCM
October 8, 2007 9:43 AM | Link to this
Kerry, you may already do this…but try having your daughter hand the item to the cashier to rung up. Explain that she needs to hand to them so it can be paid for and ask the cashier to put it in her own little bag. Of course, praise daughter for being such a good helper in making sure it get rung up etc….but be forewarned, now mine need to unload and load the grocery cart in the checkout lane!
By Stacey
October 8, 2007 9:46 AM | Link to this
I think it’s a little of both. I think some kids like “things” while others would rather not deal with clutter. My son is one of those kids who actually plays with is toys. He loves Hot Wheels, dinosaurs and action figures and he has millions of them (it seems). He also loves to play with the Happy Meal and cereal box toys. He’s gotten playset (race tracks, cityscapes, etc) but he chooses to use his imagination to create his own scenarios. Right now he is collecting empty Capri Sun boxes to use as skyscrapers when he plays with Spiderman and his enemies.
As far as the gold coins situation, if they were dropped in the grass or otherwise obviously discarded, I see no problem with Walsh collecting them. On the otherhand, if (for example) the kids left the coins on the table while they went to play other games, I don’t consider that discarded and would not allow him to take it. My son went to a birthday party a couple of years ago and when the kid broke the pinata, my son watched the free-for-all on the ground beneath it where the other kids were getting the fallen loot. My son politely asked the birthday boy’s father if he could have the pinata and though no one knew why he wanted it, he cut it down and gave it to him. (My son) then proceeded to pick all of the candy and toys from the carcass (he ended up with more than anyone). The other parents laughed that because he was the only one who even thought of doing that. Incidentally, the smallest kid in the bunch just walked around and picked up the scattered loot and he also had more than those who fought for the candy in the pile.
By Stacey
October 8, 2007 10:24 AM | Link to this
My son is also good at sharing though I have taught him that he needs permission to give something away or accept a gift from a friend. He once wanted to give his Gameboy to a classmate because Santa Claus doesn’t go to this kid’s house (religious reasons) so he would give his to him and ask Santa to bring him another one (this was early spring). I took cupcakes and goody bags to my son’s preschool class for his 4th birthday and one of his little friends felt so bad for not having a gift for him that he gave him a toy that he had brought for show and tell. I explained to my son that while it was very nice of his friend to give him the toy, he couldn’t keep it without his parent’s permission. Coincidentally, we arrived the next day as the other child’s mother was leaving so we offered her the toy back. She thanked us and took it back because it belonged to her other son. The next day the little boy brought my son a new toy that was something he actually likes. That was a good lesson for both kids.
By anne
October 8, 2007 11:25 AM | Link to this
Our kids travel a lot and have seen children their age in third-world countries having lots of fun with a tin can and a stick. The point is not that we “pity” those who have less and are “grateful” for what we have (which would imply that having more stuff makes you happier) but rather that children can actually be quite happy and creative in the backyard or neighborhood woods with a stick and tin can, or some sand, or boards and a tree fort.
I simply can’t imagine taking my children to a Dollar Store or the like to buy them cheap junk that falls apart the day after you buy it (and probably has lead-based paint).
The only thing I will buy for my children when they ask - as many as they ask for and without regard to price - is books.
By FCM
October 8, 2007 12:19 PM | Link to this
The dollar store will help teach what Theresa wants to instill. If the ‘cheap junk’ falls apart then Walsh will likely ‘save up’ to buy better stuff….and by the time you get the amount saved, its likely the want has changed.
I know that a big incentive for me to earn money (as a child)was getting a bigger say in my wardrobe. There were still guidelines I had to follow (no Bittany Spears/Lindsey Lohan styles) but I was able to buy some outfits that my Mom said she would not waster her money on….A particular sweaterdress comes to mind (10th grade), I got so many compliments when I wore it (except from my Mom)and it was well taken care of, I wore it right into college years.
By PHR
October 8, 2007 2:23 PM | Link to this
I agree with anne. Books are the best reward. My parents had a deal with me that they would match every book I bought with my own money. I would save up and buy a couple so I would get to bring home four.
I avoid The Dollar Store like the plague.
By Jeff
October 8, 2007 3:51 PM | Link to this
Well, no kids, but a look at me and T:
Growing up, neither family had much money, though my family had significantly more than hers.
I was a kid similar to your son, always asking for stuff.
Don’t know about her childhood habits in this regard.
Now, I am moderately anti-materialistic. Things matter not to me. People and experiences do.
T, on the other hand, while not very materialistic, is certainly moreso than I.
Take, for example, the “Target” jeans. She bought these for me in April or so from Target (duh!) and really likes the way they look on me. I haven’t been able to find them in a few months now.
She constantly berates me about this. She whines about how much money she spent on them - even though it wasn’t very much, in the scheme of things. (I’ve been known to spend more on a single DVD purchase.)
She thinks that because I lost the jeans it somehow means I don’t love her. I think that because I lost the jeans I’m down to 2 pair of jeans right now and will need to buy another if I start wearing jeans more often.
Who is right? Well, she is certainly more money conscious. I am more people conscious. (It is somewhat funny to watch us in a restaurant or other such customer service oriented place when we are recieving bad service!!) So it depends on how you look at it.
By nurse&mother
October 9, 2007 10:33 AM | Link to this
I would not have allowed my child to walk around and pick up something that others have left lying around. It would not be my child’s property. That is a little shady. Not that my children wouldn’t try it themselves! But we as parents need to guide our kids and teach them.
I think it’s a good idea to not give in to our children’s every whim. I have to keep reminding the grandparents of this:)
I grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth and got most things that I wanted. I did not have an appreciation of things until I went off to college. I had a little growing up to do.
By Mom to 2
October 17, 2007 12:36 PM | Link to this
Our son also covets any toy he sees. I try not to take him shopping with and I have told him that it is because he asks for too much stuff. We also have discouraged “I want”, but all we seem to have accomplished is a change in diction. Now, he keeps telling us (and his grandparents), “you’re more than welcome to get this or that toy for me - really, you’re more than welcome.”