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DEL.ICIO.USHaving kids means losing your cool
How's your cool factor? Given up on keeping up? Do you think you get cooler again as your kids get older?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It’s taken me a few years, but I’m ready to own it — I’m ready to admit that I am now uncool.
I don’t think its just getting older that makes you less hip. I think it’s those tiny little people we live with.
My theory is that as mothers we spend so much energy raising our children that we only have a few minutes to concentrate on ourselves. We do the bare minimum to make ourselves presentable and have zero time to pursue the frivolity of fashion or pop culture.
I recently read a column from a 30-something man who was exhausted from keeping up with all the trends. He was finally ready to say he wanted to listen to the music he liked in college and wear the jeans that looked best on his butt even if nobody else had them on.
As I was reading the article I couldn’t decide: Is this maturity or just giving up? Are we being lazy or is losing our cool the natural progression of parenthood?
One of my husband’s co-workers, who is about six years younger than me, threw a party in 2002. She wanted all the guests to dress like the ’90s. I was baffled. I called my girlfriend, “What does she mean dress like the ’90s? I’m still wearing the clothes I wore in the ’90s — every single day.”
That’s when it hit me — that’s how my mother ended up with dresses in her closet from the ’60s and ’70s when I was a kid in the ’80s. I loved going through her closet - she had a few crazy polyester dresses with bright colors. And a couple of sweaters that looked like they were straight off Annette Funicello.
If it fits, not stained, nor ripped then its still fair game - you can wear it. This is how moms end up 20 years behind the times before they even realize it.
My out-of-touchness extends beyond fashion and into the realm of pop culture. I stay pretty current on TV because it is something I can do while nursing a baby. Music and stars on the other hand I have fallen woefully behind.
As I watched parts of the MTV Video Music Awards last week, the cameras would flash to people and I had no idea who they were. Random rapper, random guy with messy hair and eyeliner - I had no clue. I’m sure they were somebodies, but not to me.
I didn’t do much better with the songs. I would click back and forth between the awards show and the “Iron Chef” muttering things like, “Boy that was loud.” “No idea what he’s saying.” “What in the world was that all about?”
The highlight of the show for me was when Alicia Keyes broke into a rendition of George Michael’s “Freedom.” That I knew. It was the only part of the show I could sing along to.
Is this the fate of all parents? Can it be avoided? Do we have the energy to stop the inevitable backslide of coolness?
I think moms who work in offices stay more current than stay-at-home moms. They are around other people who dress well, and they have to look equally pulled together. Moms who go into offices also get to talk with some adults that don’t have kids. These people might know a few cool things.
I believe there is hope. I think as the kids get older, moms regain a little of their cool. Take for example my mother. My mother looks better now than she did when I was growing up. Why is that you say? Because she’s not taking care of two kids anymore.
She’s working out several times a week. She’s updated her hair and clothes. And she bought some very chic sunglasses. She looks awesome. And it all corresponds with her children growing up.
One of my girlfriend commented the other day that the middle school moms looked pretty together. They were thinner. Their clothes were updated. They had on make-up. She actually added that they didn’t smell. High standards!
I’ve got five more years until I’m a middle-school mom, but for now I am officially fuddy and duddy.
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Comments
By Ebaby
September 17, 2007 8:59 AM | Link to this
I´m doing ok on pop culture, but clothing has been the most difficult for me to keep up to date. I have had to make an appointment with my husband for shopping days. If I had not made such a big deal about the need for me to have ample time to shop on those occasions, I would be quickly falling into the mom-fahion-time-warp. I wake up early, beat the weekend shopping traffic, crowds, etc. and get all of my season’s shopping done while the kids are at home with Dad.
By Fulton County Mom
September 17, 2007 9:40 AM | Link to this
I would think it is a matter of priorities. Right now, especially with a young baby, your priority is the children…..However, I still advocate carving out ‘me’ time even with little people demands. That little bit of time can help you keep your cool in many senses of the word. During that time you could surf the net for the latest ‘cool’…just reading the headlines and knowing what people are talking about can keep you cool. Clothes is one you touched on…I think that too depends on your priorities….if its an economic thing (and God has been the one to provide my house many times because my check didn’t)…then yes your clothes can get out dated. I try to look at people who I think I dress well and do similar. I mean, I used to read ‘Seventeen’ religiously…they don’t make one of those for us Moms. I find I read a good bit of Southern Living (cool or not) and it gives me ideas of what people are doing in their homes, gardens, travels, and keeps in the ‘cool’. The last piece is talking to people that interest me regardless of age or martial status….if all you do is hang out with Moms who thinks Jeans and a clean shirt equals ‘cool’ then well…
Now when your children start telling you don’t know fashion (as they wear their socks on their hands, or shirt inside out) you know you left cool!hehehe
By nurse&mother
September 17, 2007 10:07 AM | Link to this
I am not a trendy dresser. I tend to stick to the classics. I love to shop at Ann Taylor (the sale rack of course). My good friend loves Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch. I think this makes her look like she is trying to look young. She is 36 not 17.
As for music, I have always been in love with the 70’s and early 80’s. I do like some of today’s music like Maroon 5, Dave Matthews Band, cold play just to name a few. I don’t consider myself to be real cool. I am completely out of touch with technology. I obviously can surf the web, but I don’t know how to email pics, use an ipod, upload pics to Wolf Camera etc. I’m sure with a little training from my husband I could learn, but I don’t have the time.
Theresa, I am right there with you when it comes to not knowing who people are on TV and in music. I am not familiar with a lot of today’s actors/actresses. Many of my co-workers are. It is just not a priority in my life right now.
By DB
September 17, 2007 11:23 AM | Link to this
I’m with FCM — it’s just a question of priorities. When the kids are small, or are in school, or the husband is between jobs, or the client hasn’t paid, the latest fashions are absolutely NOT on the list, never mind at the top! When your kids are in school from 7:30 AM to 6:00 PM (sports practices, etc.), you can start carving out some time for the stuff that you set aside, like the yoga class and the pedicure.
Also, I think it’s a function of getting older and getting to the point where you really don’t give a rat’s azz what anyone else is thinking about your five-year-old skirt or your Costco jeans. Their opinion means less and less as you become more and more self-assured. Then again, some folks just enjoy shopping for clothes — they find it fun and relaxing. I personally would rather have a root canal. :-)
By Amy
September 17, 2007 12:14 PM | Link to this
Yess, DB. Root canal anytime. I have older kids (10 & 13) and have more time for me than ever - I read the news on the internet and I do get a few magazines to stay current - but I am happy with my own choices now and most of my clothes are classics. Or solids that mix well, etc. I go to concerts with friends and keep up with who’s coming out with a new CD. The children get you more hip and current, too - I hear a lot about what’s going on from listening to them. BELIEVE ME, They won’t let you be a fuddy duddy.
By dad of 3
September 17, 2007 12:50 PM | Link to this
Yet another troubling blog topic spewed from the bowels of the AJC. Most parents become aware of and are prepared for the inevitable, inherent reduced station in life upon the birth of their FIRST child. You’ve got major problems, if after 3 children you’re just now coming to grips with the reality associated with a neccessary shift in prioroties of a functional home. Raising children is the ultimate selfless act, you cant have it all, you cant have it both ways. If your going to be a parent, be a parent, and accept the once every 2 years pair of new shoes, like the rest of us!
Are’nt you running out of ways to draw out the stay at home mom’s vs. the working moms card that you pull out every week? Pathetic!
By Laura
September 17, 2007 12:54 PM | Link to this
Theresa:
Yes, you’re uncool. But at least you’re acknowledging it.
By Fred
September 17, 2007 1:18 PM | Link to this
You’re cool if you wonder about being Phat. You’re uncool if it’s being Fat.
By chakra7
September 17, 2007 1:36 PM | Link to this
Well I am a single mom of a two-year-old and an 11-year-old. I have recently been pondering this very theme myself. I don’t know…sometimes I’ll throw on something that my 11-year-old will equally like and then I think I’ve made a mistake in what I chose to wear. Then I’ve gotten comments from someone 10 years my senior that I dress ‘too mature’ at times (I’m 35) So what is one to do at this point in life? - you’re still relatively young but your priorities are just different because of your circumstances. I hate thinking that others with different circumstances may look at me as being not quite with it. But raising children does require at times a superhuman amount of endless effort and energy.
By Jesse's Girl
September 17, 2007 1:43 PM | Link to this
I have very classic tastes. If that makes me uncool…I can deal. I shop at Anne Taylor and Ann Taylor Loft. I also frequent Banana Republic. I LOVED that Gap/Replublic store that closed last year…the one geared to us classier ladies who do not wish to look like an Abercrombie ad with wrinkles and rolls. Why they closed it, I do not know. But I was ticked. While I have no intentions of bringing back parachute pants, twister beads, or Z Cavaricci’s (SP?)….I do love all 80’s music. Its my favorite! Just yesterday I was belting out Air Supply’s “Making Love out of Nothing at all”…..the kids were rolling their eyes. But I caught them mouthing the words:)
By Pink Sherbert
September 17, 2007 2:42 PM | Link to this
I’m 38 yr old mother (16 & 10) & wife….I just lost 35 lbs and I shop at Gap, Banana Repulic, Ann Taylor, J Crew and Club Monaco. I listen to Fergie, Linkin Park, Bee Gees, Duran Duran, Metallica and Tony Bennett. And I wear my hair past my shoulders…..I just sold my minivan and got a Bug convertible. I refuse to conform to what anyone says I should look like or dress like. Most people mistake me for my late 20’s or early 30’s. I listen to the music I like and wear the clothes I want.
And yes, my “hot factor” has certainly gone up as I have gotten older.
By dad of 3
September 17, 2007 3:00 PM | Link to this
Is there anything more pathetic than going to a friday night football game and seeing the 40 year old woman wearing their daughters clothes, with that spikey in the back hair cut, chomping that gum with that cell phone working. Not sexy, not even attractive.
By Stacey
September 17, 2007 3:07 PM | Link to this
Theresa…Did you ever find out what dress like the 90’s mean? I’m not sure that I know myself but like you, I’m sure I still do it. I haven’t been tready since the 80’s…I DO know what that looks like! I don’t like most of what’s “IN” right now. I either listen to an “oldies” radio station or talk radio. I couldn’t name 10 recent songs or artist if you paid me. I do enjoy watching movies though lately they’re on DVD or HBO before I get around to them.
By CJ
September 17, 2007 3:37 PM | Link to this
Not trying to be funny….but I think some of us were uncool before we had kids ;-) I have 3 with 1 on the way and I still consider myself to be pretty up to date with the latest in fashion and music. Then again I’m 29 and so that may also have something to do with it. Age probably has a little something to do with it too.
By Pink Sherbert
September 17, 2007 4:01 PM | Link to this
dad of 3…..
the whole problem is- Why would a 40 year old woman be at a friday night football game? Horrible…I have better ways of spending my Friday nights…like on a date with my husband.
By Becky
September 17, 2007 4:03 PM | Link to this
I don’t think that I’ve ever been in fashion..I have always worn what I wanted to that I liked..Stacey, I agree, I couldn’t name half of the artist on the radio now..Over half of the people that were on the Emmy’s, I couldn’t tell you who they were..
By Stacey
September 17, 2007 4:42 PM | Link to this
Pink Sherbert…Friday night football games are probably high school. I would imagine that there are a lot of 40 and over women there supporting their kids who are either playing, cheerleading or in the band. Just a thought. :-)
By Cool Mom in spite of myself
September 17, 2007 4:47 PM | Link to this
In spite of the fact that I am uncool in every way, I do have one claim to the title “Cool Mom” as far as my 17-year-old is concerned: Once, in the 1980’s, I saw the Beastie Boys live on stage. Whatever.
By Jesse's Girl
September 17, 2007 4:53 PM | Link to this
I actually dig high school football. We are huge sports fans anyway….so that helps. And yes, most of the 40’s crowd are there to support someone they know. I think the point to remember is this…..if you dress like Pamela Anderson but look more like Maude, there’s a problem.
By Together for 12
September 17, 2007 6:58 PM | Link to this
Let’s face it, being “cool” only depends on you you hang out with. For example, if you’re not into Geek stuff (computers, sci-fi, etc.) and you’re hanging with Geeks, you’re NOT cool - to them. You’re hanging out with kids who were into Pokemon or such at some point. Since you didn’t get into it, you weren’t/aren’t cool. Parents aren’t supposed to be cool to their kids. That’s how you end up sucked into being their friend and all worried about whether they like you rather than being their parent and making sure they grow into productive, successful adults.
I’ve always found fashion to be a waste of time and those who live or die by it (I worked with somebody like this) really need to get a life. They’re CLOTHES, people. If you didn’t wear the latest style or what people in Hollywood wore, you were “so lame”. No wonder she didn’t have many friends.
Buy some classic clothing and you’re good for at least a decade. (BTW, as for clothes from the 90s, you may recall that it’s the same “style” from the 70s. What imagination the fashion industry has. Pathetic, isn’t it? They couldn’t even come up with something original.) I’m personally waiting for capes to come back into style. That would be cool! :)
And as for those who are famous today.. the only reason you really should know who these people are is so you can either promote or nix them and their values to your kids.
Honestly, does anybody here want their kid to turn out like Brittney Spears or Paris Hilton? If you want to keep up with this kind of stuff, listen to Star94 in the morning for about 1 hour. Somewhere in there, they’ll have Vikki’s Quickies which cover the gossip about the celebs. That’s all you really need to know about these soon-to-be nobodies. :) I don’t care for the music so much (top 40s, and I’m a child of the 80s), but I enjoy the on-air personalities, Rob Stadler’s straight up news, and some of their fun call-in topics.
Try to determine if your cool to your friends and the Moms around you in the same part of life you’re in if you are actually concerned about it. Why compare yourself to people not in your own peer group?
If you try to emulate your kids or much younger people, that’s how you become a 40 year old women trying to dress and act like 20 year olds, hitting on guys young enough to be your sons, and generally looking like a fool to the rest of us. Life is too short to just be herded along with the rest of the sheep. Be who you are and forget the rest.
By Katie
September 18, 2007 6:48 AM | Link to this
I don’t think you’ve ever been cool. I’ll bet you were one of those nerdy nuns.
By dad of 3
September 18, 2007 6:52 AM | Link to this
thats exactly the point JG. Cool is for school. If im ever referred to as cool or hip, I’m going to take a real close look at how Im interacting with my kids and their friends. Im not their buddy, im not even their friend, im their Dad. what I wear and what music I like has nothing to do with them.
By nurse&mother
September 18, 2007 8:54 AM | Link to this
Jesse’s Girl how funny! My daughter complains about my music too, but she seems to know all the words. Sometimes when a recent song comes on the radio that she doesn’t like, she’ll say, “Mom, I don’t want to listen to your 70’s music”. When I tell her it isn’t 70’s, she say, “Well I don’t like that either”.
By Daedalus
September 18, 2007 10:25 AM | Link to this
Another delusional column from Jim Wooten.
Jim, you were never cool.
Advocating a return to segregation, supporting unequal pay based on gender and knee-jerk rejection for any transportation method besides paving more roads for single-occupancy vehicles isn’t cool.
By Fulton County Mom
September 18, 2007 12:35 PM | Link to this
ROFL w/ Jesse’s Girl…..I can see Maude dressed like Anderson….OMGracious! It is not a pretty picture.
By rob
September 18, 2007 4:30 PM | Link to this
test
By Julie
September 18, 2007 6:35 PM | Link to this
Dad of 3… You are COOL! You are so on target. I moved from the East Coast about 7 years ago… I feel like I’m in a Stepford (sp?) Movie. I have never seen such shallow people. All about clothes, pilates and cars… very scary.. and they are raising equally empty kids. It has taken be awhile not to care about what others think of me… all I care about is what I think of them.
By Julie
September 18, 2007 6:35 PM | Link to this
Dad of 3… You are COOL! You are so on target. I moved from the East Coast about 7 years ago… I feel like I’m in a Stepford (sp?) Movie. I have never seen such shallow people. All about clothes, pilates and cars… very scary.. and they are raising equally empty kids. It has taken be awhile not to care about what others think of me… all I care about is what I think of them.