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DEL.ICIO.USWill older child make room for baby?
What's the best age separation for acceptance? How do you convince a resistant child that a new sibling is a good thing?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A few months ago I struck up a conversation with a man and his adorable daughter outside of church. I had left the service to nurse my baby. He had left because his 2-year-old daughter was getting a bit wild.
Despite running and flopping around the hallway, she was angelic looking - precious little sundress, giant bow atop her bobbed chin-length hair. She was smart as a whip, very verbal and clearly running the show with her father.
He told me they had recently brought home their second child - a baby boy. I asked him what his daughter thought of her new brother.
He sort of paused and then said, “Well she’s been throwing things at him.”
He said when he asked her why; she answered him matter-of-factly, “Because it makes me feel good!”
He was appalled and worried. Would his two children ever get along? Would his son ever be safe alone in a room with his older sister?
You just never know how kids are going to react when you bring a new baby into the family. Even if they are super excited when they find out you’re pregnant, the reality, or at least the fear, of losing their spot in the food chain may change their tune from pleasure to jealousy.
I think the age difference of the sibs plays a big role in whether the new child is accepted or resented. If the youngest still wants to be babied then it’s harder for them to accept mommy giving attention to a new one.
One of my girlfriends had a similar experience to the man at church. Her last baby (a surprise) was born about 18 months after her twins. This mom had to put the baby’s bouncy seat behind gates to keep the boys from poking at him. But the twins got smart and like feudal warriors attacking a castle, they started lobbing objects over the gates at him.
My friend said she stopped fearing for the baby’s life (for the most part) when he was about 4 months old. The twins still tried to pick him up, push in his soft spot and “feed him” different snacks until he was about 6 or 7 months old. But then they finally left him alone and decided to be friends.
My first two were born so close together (25 months apart) that they don’t remember life without one another. Rose adored her baby brother from the moment she met him. I don’t think she was old enough to comprehend - ‘hey, this means less focus on me’. However, she was old enough to want some independence - which gave me time to care for him.
They have always been close and great playmates. Don’t get me wrong. They wrestle and fight, but for the most part they enjoy each other’s company and are affectionate. On a recent trip to Miami, in the back of the mini-van my little fellow asked his sister, “Rose are we going to be best friends forever?”
She held his little hand and said, “Yes, Walshie we will be.”
My husband and I just melted. We’ll have to remind them of their loving interaction the next time they are literally pulling each others’ hair out.
Because the kids are so much older than their new baby sister (6 and 4 years), they both like to mother her. They kiss her, hug her and often want to hold her. They mimic what they hear us say, “Oh baby you’re so beautiful. We love you so much.” Or “Are you the best baby in the world? You are the best baby.”
They hand her dolls and rattles. Rose loves to read her the Sandra Boynton books like “Barnyard Dance” and tries to show her the illustrations the way her teacher does at school. However, the baby is usually trying to eat the book.
I worry that in the future the large age separation will make the baby an outsider. I’m concerned they won’t have time for her when they are doing big kids things.
But for now, the only member of the family giving the baby any heat is the dog. He gets jealous when I hold her and barks at me when I’m rolling around on the floor with her. I guess he’s not ready to give up being the baby yet.
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Comments
By typical!!
August 20, 2007 6:13 AM | Link to this
classic! The kid is a spoiled brat and probably ruined sunday service for many of the people there, but all teresa noticed was that she looked great! Another example of “style over substance”, white suburbias crack.
By Laura
August 20, 2007 7:53 AM | Link to this
A two-year old child who cannot sit through Sunday mass is not a spoiled brat! Honestly, some people are just so harsh and judgmental. Patience and the ability to sit quietly through a lengthy program are learned skills and all children have bumps in the road. This is why churches have “cry rooms” or family rooms. Babies and little children sometimes need time out from long sitting still periods. If the parents remove them to these areas then services have not been ruined. I have been in church many times and experienced this both first hand and as an observer. It happens; it’s life. I rarely see a parent have to walk out with a child who is over three years old. Generally around that age they get it; they are more mature and ready to sit still and quiet for longer periods. It has nothing to do with being spoiled. It has everything to do with age and skill.
By ChrisD3
August 20, 2007 9:01 AM | Link to this
I don’t know why anyone takes their two year old to a church service. That’s what Sunday School is for. I have a 3 yo, so I know what I’m talking about.
By mwh
August 20, 2007 9:25 AM | Link to this
“I have a 3yo, so I know what I’m talking about”
So you know what every church of every religion has available for small children during mass? WOW! I guess I should have my church talk to you and perhaps they will institute Sunday School for young children since they are suppose to have it somewhere.
By JJ
August 20, 2007 9:51 AM | Link to this
GEEZ, the two year old is not a spoiled brat. Does anyone realize that kids that age just don’t have the attention span to sit through an hour of church. That man did the right thing, knew his kid was restless, and took her outside.
Do you bashers have kids? No two year can sit still for very long. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with parenting.
It’s too early in the day to start this crap!!!
If you aren’t a parent, why are you in this blog?
By jenn
August 20, 2007 10:31 AM | Link to this
I have a 9 year old son, and about 6 months ago, he informed me that if another child was in our future, please have one before I’m 15 years old. So, if we’re playing by his rules, I have a couple more years to decide
By Camille
August 20, 2007 10:31 AM | Link to this
My boys are farther apart in age, the oldest is now 9 and the youngest is 2. At first, my son was excited at the idea of having a sibling. When we brought the baby home, for about the first 6 months he would constantly ask when the baby would be old enough to play with him. Even at the age of 7, though, he would show little jealous tendencies, which I understood completely. He had been the only one for 7 years, and didn’t want to share me. Although he was now a big boy and didn’t want anyone to see me kissing or hugging on him, he would still get jealous at seeing me kissing and hugging on the baby. It’s not as bad now, and they love each other to death (I swear that they play together as if they are only 1 year apart). But, occasionally I still see the jealousy in my oldest child. It’s never gotten to the point of him throwing things at the baby or trying to hurt him in any way. The only thing that I’ve had to watch him for is always wanting to pick up the baby.
Also, yes, it can be difficult for smaller children to sit still for long periods of time. However, if properly trained it can be done. My baby just turned 2 on July 30, but he knows that there are occasions when he is to sit in one spot. He may get fidgety in his seat (or my lap), but a look into his eyes or whisper into his ear and he settles down again. I would not go as far as saying that other children that are not as disciplined are spoiled brats or should be put into Sunday school in order to be rid of them (which does not address the issue of teaching them how to act in certain settings), but I just wanted to point out that it is possible to teach small children how to act in certain settings.
By Jen
August 20, 2007 10:37 AM | Link to this
I am currently 7 weeks pregnant (and miserable by the way) with our 3rd. We have 2 boys 6(almost 7) and 3. I am having the same concerns with this one. Our 3 year old is very attached to me and although he is very excited at the prospect of a baby I am wondering how much his outlook will change once the new baby is here. Our oldest did very well after the 2nd was born. He did get a little attention hungry but that is to be expected. They are good buddies now even with the age difference. I am hoping this 3rd baby will blend right in too!
By Lynda
August 20, 2007 11:02 AM | Link to this
I have 4 kids. Girl 31 years, and 3 boys, 29 years,13 years and one that is 11 years. With my first 2 they were 19 mos and day apart. My daughter tried everyhting in her powers to ” get ride ” of her baby brother. She in no way wanted him around. As they grew older and she could play with him it turned out great. Sure they had there fights ( still do ) and all but to this day let someone mess with one of them and the otherone is right there.
With my other two they are 27 mos apart and we never had a problem with them. Now however they want to KILL each other. One of them may not see 14 at all. It is different when you have a girl and a boy then it is with 2 boys. I find it is harder to raise them but when they were younger it was easier with the boys. People see with my 2 younger ones and they keep telling me that they DO NOT gron out of it and I tell them I know this as I have 2 grown ones that would like to kill each other. I LOVE ALL of my kids and they may fight but they do it here at home. Outside of the home they can me angles. As mothers YOU all know how it is.
By nurse&mother
August 20, 2007 11:13 AM | Link to this
My children are 10yo and 19mo. When we told my daughter that she was going to be a sister, she exclaimed that it was the happiest day of her life. I think the newness wore off pretty quickly after he arrived.
I think she loves her little brother, but he certainly gets into stuff. We closed the door to her room, so he wouldn’t trash her room (not to mention eating polly pockets etc. ). My son absolutely adores his big sister. I think and hope they will turn out to be close when they are adults.
I’m sure it was an adjustment for my daughter, but we try to make extra time just for her. For example, she and I got season passes to six flags this year. Our rule: no babies allowed. (That said, I wouldn’t carry a baby under 2 to an amusement park for any amount of money in the world!) I think we both have enjoyed our together time.
I know the baby can get on her nerves sometime, but I think that she needs to know that life is not always about her. It is about sharing and getting along with others.
I imagine it is easier having your kids adjust to another member of the family when they are younger. If I had known that I could convince my husband to have the second child, I would have done it about 2-3 years sooner. But, I am very thankful and feel blessed!
By Fulton County Mom
August 20, 2007 11:29 AM | Link to this
Each of my children has been escorted (by me or the grandfather) out of church and informed their current behavior is not going to be tolerated. For mine I have told them (and we go over it again each Sunday) what is expected. Both must be still during the Lords Prayer. They may sing if they choose. My oldest must recite the litney response. Both are to be quiet during singing and announcements, they may read color, or do something no destructive.
Both go to Children’s church just after the announcements. On the rare occassion they are in church for the whole service, I take books and such to occupy them.
To me what made the child ‘bratty’ was her attitude about throwing things at the sib. The parents need to make sure she knows she has a role play too, and tossing toys isn’t it.
My eldest wanted me to ‘put that baby down’. Usually while I was feeding the baby. So I would get a book, make room on my lap and read to the children. I explained this is why God gave me a big lap, and wide arms.
Today they are the best of friends and the worst of enemies. I would have it no other way.
They dressed as ‘twins’ for school today.
By nurse&mother
August 20, 2007 11:33 AM | Link to this
I wanted to comment on the child at church. If the child had just turned 2 then her behavior was probably age appropriate. If she was closer to 3 then she probably needed a fanny swat.
My 19 mo is beginning to learn that if he continues to whine about something (we are very patient BTW), eventually he will get his fanny swatted. He has recently succeeded in removing the outlet covers and is trying to plug up appliances and well as stick other things into the outlet. We pop his hand when we see him over there. My husband and I have out work cut out for us.
As far as our church goes, we have an 8:oo am service that does not have a nursery. The 11:00 does, but we prefer the early service. My attendance has not been good this past year because he doesn’t sit still and he is a little loud. (unlike my daughter at his age) But I hope to be able to go soon. I have missed going on a regular basis. We need to teach my son how to act during the service. If you don’t teach them, how will they know what is expected of them?
By DB
August 20, 2007 11:39 AM | Link to this
ChrisD3, our (large) church does NOT have Sunday School during service. Sunday School is between the early and late service. So not every church works the same way, ok? Sounds like Daddy was doing a good job — get off his case.
Re: Age differences. Mine are 30 months apart, and the older one has been jealous of the younger one since Day 1 — even 16 years later! However, I think it has more to do with the personality of the child, itself, than it does with any age difference. I was 13 years older than my brother, and that was an almost insurmoutable difference growing up — basically, my parents had two families. And, as an only child for so long, I was not enchanted by the upsetting of the staus quo! I graduated from high school when my brother was in 1st grade, so we really didn’t have much in common. I would take him to movies and to museums, etc. when I graduated from college, but it wasn’t until he was married that we really had anything in common at all.
To my surprise, the oldest child remembered when the second child was born, even at 2-1/2 years. When the second child expressed a wish for a younger sister, her older brother said, “No way, you don’t want a baby in the house! They cry all the time!” I asked him why he thought that, and he pointed at her and said, “Well, SHE did!” He even remembered details of her nursery. Interesting …
By nurse&mother
August 20, 2007 11:47 AM | Link to this
If a child is old enough to articulate that she throws things at the baby because it makes her feel good, she is old enough to get her fanny busted.
By Laura
August 20, 2007 12:34 PM | Link to this
I have three girls- one is almost 9 and the others are four and one. So mine are spread out agewise. My oldest is a great playmate to both her sisters and a great helpmate to her mother. I am sure the baby will play more with the middle child but right now she is just too little. Age is not really a factor in how close they will be; that is totally up to personality. My husband has two brothers and they were all born about 17-20 months apart. They are not close at all. My mother has a sister who is five years younger and they are extremely close. You just never know. The funny thing about adding a new member to the family, though, is once they are here you cannot remember what life was like without them and I am sure the siblings feel the same way. They will accept them as part of the family either way. Now whether they like them and are buddies with them only time will tell.
By Stacey
August 20, 2007 12:37 PM | Link to this
I have a sister 19 mths older than I am. My family laughs about my sister ordering my mother to “Take that thing (me) back where it came from”. Despite being spanked, she still sneaked in pinches whenever I was left unguarded until I was old enough to fight back. My mother said I wasn’t jealous of my brother when he was a baby (4 1/2 yr age difference) but I remember hating him from the time he was 4 until I left for college because he was such a brat. He’s the baby and the only boy and even he laughs now at what a monster he was. I am very proud now of the man he grew up to be.
By michele
August 20, 2007 1:14 PM | Link to this
None of my kids (I have 5) remember life without each other. All my kids are under the age of 6 with the youngest 3 (singleton & twins) being only 11 months apart. The oldest 3 fight, but nothing major & they get over it pretty quick.
By Alison J.
August 20, 2007 1:30 PM | Link to this
I have two girls 17 months apart - I thought it was perfect timing as my oldest was still too young to be resentful. We did our best in keeping up her nighttime routines to make the change in her life smooth - and I think that was the trick. My oldest is 2, will be 3 next month, and our church service doesn’t have a place to drop them off at (only for 18 months and younger). With a 2.5 old and an 17 month old, we try our best to keep them quiet during service. It’s hard training! Any parent knows its a constant training to teach them how to behave in certain situations. The man did the right thing - took her out when she was restless.
By blah
August 20, 2007 1:56 PM | Link to this
By typical!!
August 20, 2007 6:13 AM | Link to this
classic! The kid is a spoiled brat and probably ruined sunday service for many of the people there, but all teresa noticed was that she looked great! Another example of “style over substance”, white suburbias crack.
By Laura
August 20, 2007 7:53 AM | Link to this
A two-year old child who cannot sit through Sunday mass is not a spoiled brat! Honestly, some people are just so harsh and judgmental. Patience and the ability to sit quietly through a lengthy program are learned skills and all children have bumps in the road. This is why churches have “cry rooms” or family rooms. Babies and little children sometimes need time out from long sitting still periods. If the parents remove them to these areas then services have not been ruined. I have been in church many times and experienced this both first hand and as an observer. It happens; it’s life. I rarely see a parent have to walk out with a child who is over three years old. Generally around that age they get it; they are more mature and ready to sit still and quiet for longer periods. It has nothing to do with being spoiled. It has everything to do with age and skill.
By ChrisD3
August 20, 2007 9:01 AM | Link to this
I don’t know why anyone takes their two year old to a church service. That’s what Sunday School is for. I have a 3 yo, so I know what I’m talking about.
By mwh
August 20, 2007 9:25 AM | Link to this
“I have a 3yo, so I know what I’m talking about”
So you know what every church of every religion has available for small children during mass? WOW! I guess I should have my church talk to you and perhaps they will institute Sunday School for young children since they are suppose to have it somewhere.
By JJ
August 20, 2007 9:51 AM | Link to this
GEEZ, the two year old is not a spoiled brat. Does anyone realize that kids that age just don’t have the attention span to sit through an hour of church. That man did the right thing, knew his kid was restless, and took her outside.
Do you bashers have kids? No two year can sit still for very long. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with parenting.
It’s too early in the day to start this crap!!!
If you aren’t a parent, why are you in this blog?
By jenn
August 20, 2007 10:31 AM | Link to this
I have a 9 year old son, and about 6 months ago, he informed me that if another child was in our future, please have one before I’m 15 years old. So, if we’re playing by his rules, I have a couple more years to decide
By Camille
August 20, 2007 10:31 AM | Link to this
My boys are farther apart in age, the oldest is now 9 and the youngest is 2. At first, my son was excited at the idea of having a sibling. When we brought the baby home, for about the first 6 months he would constantly ask when the baby would be old enough to play with him. Even at the age of 7, though, he would show little jealous tendencies, which I understood completely. He had been the only one for 7 years, and didn’t want to share me. Although he was now a big boy and didn’t want anyone to see me kissing or hugging on him, he would still get jealous at seeing me kissing and hugging on the baby. It’s not as bad now, and they love each other to death (I swear that they play together as if they are only 1 year apart). But, occasionally I still see the jealousy in my oldest child. It’s never gotten to the point of him throwing things at the baby or trying to hurt him in any way. The only thing that I’ve had to watch him for is always wanting to pick up the baby.
Also, yes, it can be difficult for smaller children to sit still for long periods of time. However, if properly trained it can be done. My baby just turned 2 on July 30, but he knows that there are occasions when he is to sit in one spot. He may get fidgety in his seat (or my lap), but a look into his eyes or whisper into his ear and he settles down again. I would not go as far as saying that other children that are not as disciplined are spoiled brats or should be put into Sunday school in order to be rid of them (which does not address the issue of teaching them how to act in certain settings), but I just wanted to point out that it is possible to teach small children how to act in certain settings.
By Jen
August 20, 2007 10:37 AM | Link to this
I am currently 7 weeks pregnant (and miserable by the way) with our 3rd. We have 2 boys 6(almost 7) and 3. I am having the same concerns with this one. Our 3 year old is very attached to me and although he is very excited at the prospect of a baby I am wondering how much his outlook will change once the new baby is here. Our oldest did very well after the 2nd was born. He did get a little attention hungry but that is to be expected. They are good buddies now even with the age difference. I am hoping this 3rd baby will blend right in too!
By Lynda
August 20, 2007 11:02 AM | Link to this
I have 4 kids. Girl 31 years, and 3 boys, 29 years,13 years and one that is 11 years. With my first 2 they were 19 mos and day apart. My daughter tried everyhting in her powers to ” get ride ” of her baby brother. She in no way wanted him around. As they grew older and she could play with him it turned out great. Sure they had there fights ( still do ) and all but to this day let someone mess with one of them and the otherone is right there. With my other two they are 27 mos apart and we never had a problem with them. Now however they want to KILL each other. One of them may not see 14 at all. It is different when you have a girl and a boy then it is with 2 boys. I find it is harder to raise them but when they were younger it was easier with the boys. People see with my 2 younger ones and they keep telling me that they DO NOT gron out of it and I tell them I know this as I have 2 grown ones that would like to kill each other. I LOVE ALL of my kids and they may fight but they do it here at home. Outside of the home they can me angles. As mothers YOU all know how it is.
By nurse&mother
August 20, 2007 11:13 AM | Link to this
My children are 10yo and 19mo. When we told my daughter that she was going to be a sister, she exclaimed that it was the happiest day of her life. I think the newness wore off pretty quickly after he arrived.
I think she loves her little brother, but he certainly gets into stuff. We closed the door to her room, so he wouldn’t trash her room (not to mention eating polly pockets etc. ). My son absolutely adores his big sister. I think and hope they will turn out to be close when they are adults.
I’m sure it was an adjustment for my daughter, but we try to make extra time just for her. For example, she and I got season passes to six flags this year. Our rule: no babies allowed. (That said, I wouldn’t carry a baby under 2 to an amusement park for any amount of money in the world!) I think we both have enjoyed our together time.
I know the baby can get on her nerves sometime, but I think that she needs to know that life is not always about her. It is about sharing and getting along with others.
I imagine it is easier having your kids adjust to another member of the family when they are younger. If I had known that I could convince my
By momto3girls
August 20, 2007 2:32 PM | Link to this
I have 3 girls, 13 yrs., 5 yrs, and 6 months. My 13 was almost 8 when the 5 yr old was born she was excited and was even more excited when the youngest was born. She tries to be the big sister/little boss. My 5 yr old I thought would be angry and resentful when the new baby arrived. She wasn’t and still isnt. She loves having her sister. She did try the feeding of sharing snacks but one time of saying no is all it took for her to get it. In some ways I hate the girls are this far apart in age but then I am glad when I think of having to pay college educations.
I truelly beleive that if a sibling will accept another child depends on the child’s attitude/personality and how much you prepare them for a new sibling. My oldest 2 are now asking for a boy…NO!
My sister and I are 16 months to the day apart. We are both now in our 30’s and we can not get along and we could not growing up, except when we were toddlers. Once we started school it was down hill from there. However we both got along with our brother and he is 6 yrs old than I am. I am nothing like my siblings which I think is alot of the problems my parents had with us getting along with each other.
Now as for a 2 yr old in Sunday service, most 2 yr olds can’t sit still that long. I have only seen one that could and that is my 5 yr old when she was that young. Thankfully she is one in a million.
By Lynette
August 20, 2007 3:21 PM | Link to this
My parents had this novel thing that they did. They demanded that all the sib’s get along and play nice. To be sure this throwing and all that was not tolerated.
We have had a few cases of over zealous wrestling among the boys but the times of all out warfare was little or not at all.
I am thinking that the 2 year old should have been in nursery or children’s church ofr the service. That throwing, I assure you can be dealt with.
By Jeff
August 20, 2007 4:54 PM | Link to this
3 boys, 3.75 years between oldest and middle, almost exactly 4 yrs (3 yrs 11 months 8 days) between middle and youngest.
Oldest and youngest both have Asperger’s, youngest more severe than oldest.
Growing up…. I’m surprised none of us got killed, either by each other or our parents!
Now, relations are tense between me and youngest (we are FAR too alike), but middle is truly my best friend.
I think the pecking order must be established and that the parents should let the kids handle that- as long as no one is being sent to the hospital or morgue.
Now in regards to the two year old: I’m going to be much like my own dad: “Quit crying or I WILL give you a reason to.”