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Sunday, August 19, 2007
Will older child make room for baby?
What's the best age separation for acceptance? How do you convince a resistant child that a new sibling is a good thing?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A few months ago I struck up a conversation with a man and his adorable daughter outside of church. I had left the service to nurse my baby. He had left because his 2-year-old daughter was getting a bit wild.
Despite running and flopping around the hallway, she was angelic looking - precious little sundress, giant bow atop her bobbed chin-length hair. She was smart as a whip, very verbal and clearly running the show with her father.
He told me they had recently brought home their second child - a baby boy. I asked him what his daughter thought of her new brother.
He sort of paused and then said, “Well she’s been throwing things at him.”
He said when he asked her why; she answered him matter-of-factly, “Because it makes me feel good!”
He was appalled and worried. Would his two children ever get along? Would his son ever be safe alone in a room with his older sister?
You just never know how kids are going to react when you bring a new baby into the family. Even if they are super excited when they find out you’re pregnant, the reality, or at least the fear, of losing their spot in the food chain may change their tune from pleasure to jealousy.
I think the age difference of the sibs plays a big role in whether the new child is accepted or resented. If the youngest still wants to be babied then it’s harder for them to accept mommy giving attention to a new one.
One of my girlfriends had a similar experience to the man at church. Her last baby (a surprise) was born about 18 months after her twins. This mom had to put the baby’s bouncy seat behind gates to keep the boys from poking at him. But the twins got smart and like feudal warriors attacking a castle, they started lobbing objects over the gates at him.
My friend said she stopped fearing for the baby’s life (for the most part) when he was about 4 months old. The twins still tried to pick him up, push in his soft spot and “feed him” different snacks until he was about 6 or 7 months old. But then they finally left him alone and decided to be friends.
My first two were born so close together (25 months apart) that they don’t remember life without one another. Rose adored her baby brother from the moment she met him. I don’t think she was old enough to comprehend - ‘hey, this means less focus on me’. However, she was old enough to want some independence - which gave me time to care for him.
They have always been close and great playmates. Don’t get me wrong. They wrestle and fight, but for the most part they enjoy each other’s company and are affectionate. On a recent trip to Miami, in the back of the mini-van my little fellow asked his sister, “Rose are we going to be best friends forever?”
She held his little hand and said, “Yes, Walshie we will be.”
My husband and I just melted. We’ll have to remind them of their loving interaction the next time they are literally pulling each others’ hair out.
Because the kids are so much older than their new baby sister (6 and 4 years), they both like to mother her. They kiss her, hug her and often want to hold her. They mimic what they hear us say, “Oh baby you’re so beautiful. We love you so much.” Or “Are you the best baby in the world? You are the best baby.”
They hand her dolls and rattles. Rose loves to read her the Sandra Boynton books like “Barnyard Dance” and tries to show her the illustrations the way her teacher does at school. However, the baby is usually trying to eat the book.
I worry that in the future the large age separation will make the baby an outsider. I’m concerned they won’t have time for her when they are doing big kids things.
But for now, the only member of the family giving the baby any heat is the dog. He gets jealous when I hold her and barks at me when I’m rolling around on the floor with her. I guess he’s not ready to give up being the baby yet.
