MOMania

By Together for 12

July 6, 2007 8:38 AM | Link to this

I hate to tell ya, Theresa, but if you’re not going to do the cleaning, he DOES have business picking out furniture and fabrics. He’s got to clean the stuff, so he wants to make sure it’s stylish AND easy maintenance! He’s gotta pick out the stain-resistant carpet, pet-proof upholstery, washable pillow covers, etc. When my hubby and I picked out a new couch, we talked about it. Had to be stain-resistant, include certain colors, cat-claw resistant (they don’t scratch, but they can accidentally snag it anyhow), had to be a sleeper sofa, etc. WE picked it out together.

To me, it’s pretty rude of your MIL to “rib” you about your role in the household as if you’re lifestyle with YOUR husband is wrong. Your hubby isn’t even her kid!

I do the laundry, but my hubby is in charge of the dishes. We both cook. I change the oil in my own vehicle, and I take it to the shop myself if I can’t fix it. he cares for his own car. He does the lawn stuff, and I help with the beds, trimming shrubs, trees, etc. We both clean the house and share the pet care.

My folks are a pretty traditional set, but I have NEVER seen my Mom pack a bag for Dad. Pack for my husband? That’s insane. You’re right - how the heck do you know what he needs/wants to wear? I have a job and hubby does too. Duties need to be shared, esp. in that case. I can’t stay home all day caring for dishes, floors, dusting, etc. If I was home, I’d do more house stuff. I’ll bet your MIL doesn’t have a job like you or I do, does she?

By zombieboy

July 6, 2007 9:58 AM | Link to this

I am pretty traditional, ladie’s place is in the kitchen…makin’ me a sammich.

By Jeff

July 6, 2007 10:19 AM | Link to this

It shall be interesting to see how me and T turn out. I can clean, but not to the level she likes. (I’m a guy - pick up the visible things, you’re done. Vaccuum/ mop once a quarter [as in 3 months], and there ya go!) I can also load the dishwasher and laundry. I can even COOK (certain things). But I SUCK at saving money/ finances (as she is already finding out!). I also SUCK at home repairs, though I can mow the yard. (Fortunately, her dad and grandfather LOVE to do home repairs. In fact, her dad just put in the new hardwood floor she bought!) Of course, she also works closer to home than I do (50X closer, actually!), so I’m pretty sure that calling the repairman is going to be more on her… paying for it will be on me! :P

By JJ

July 6, 2007 10:30 AM | Link to this

I think/believe that if you are a stay at home mom, then the housework, repairs, etc are your duties.

I also believe that if both man and woman are working at least 40 hours a week, then the household responsibilities need to be halved. Each needs to put in their fair share, and it shouldn’t fall on just one person’s shoulders.

My ex and I use to argue about this all the time. He worked 12 hour days, and I was usually home by 6:00, after an 8 hour day. He insisted that since he was “still working” after I got home, that he shouldn’t have to do anything around the house. Well, I countered with, I may be home, but I am still working too, cleaning, cooking, mowing, etc.

I think married couples and their kids should share household chores.

By Joyce

July 6, 2007 12:51 PM | Link to this

I’m lucky; my husband has never had any problem with the division of labor. Given that he’s very traditional in many other respects, it’s really amazing. When I was a teacher, we would divvy up chores during the school year. If I then had a light summer schedule, then we would have the ceremonial hand-off of household chores (by him) in May. When the school year started, we’d go back to divided labor. Now we have our own business, which I do partly from home, while he goes in to work. We also now have a son. Now I do all of the childcare, cleaning, cooking and laundry. He does the other stuff. This blog has made me think about what we’re going to do in August when our son starts kindergarten and I’m also out of the house more…

By Reader

July 6, 2007 2:05 PM | Link to this

I found this article to be shocking and thought-provoking…it’s related to today’s topic as well. I wonder how many people silently feel this way???

(http://www.guardian.co.uk/women/story/0,3604,744795,00.html)

By Jesse's Girl

July 6, 2007 3:36 PM | Link to this

Interesting topic. We fall into the more traditional category. While I do work, it is always after normal hours and on weekends. Therefore, during Mr Jesse’s work week…I am a SAHM. I do all the cleaning, with the exception of toilets. Just can’t bring myself to do that one. I wash clothes and do the shopping and cooking. He always offers to clean the kitchen, but I am way too much of a control freak. No one does it like I like it:) He folds his own clothes and puts them away. He bathes The Boy. I drive everywhere we go. But all household repairs are his domain. Luckily…he is so dern handy that we very rarely need to hire an outside repairman. He mows the grass and builds just about anything we need in regards to furniture and storage things.

I have no problem with our traditional roles. I think if more couples had a little flex in their roles, then the divorce rate would be a lot lower.

By Shannon, M.Div.

July 6, 2007 5:57 PM | Link to this

Reader—I read that story to which you linked us in The Guardian and it was chilling! My husband and I have made the decision not to have children (and then I found out I am medically unable to bear them—so I attribute that desire to remind childfree to God). We’ve seen so many of our friends trade their marital happiness for parental happiness, except that they seem a lot less, well, happy. As we are now in our 30s, both sets of parents are finally (and grudgingly) accepting our decision… It’s very tough on my parents, as I am an only child. On the other hand, providing them with grandchildren is a singularly bad reason to reproduce!

(One might ask why I’m at the Mom blog—it’s because the front page links to it, and often the topics intrigue me).

At any rate, certainly our childfree status affects our doling out of the roles, chores, responsibilities, and decision-making. My husband and I share cleaning and he cooks the basics; when we want something more than that, I cook. Dishes and laundry are done by whomever gets there first (more often than not, it’s him). We don’t have lawn maintenance to worry about and share responsibility for maintaining the cars; he handles the finances, but I do gift-buying for both sides of the family. When there’s a major purchase to make or decorating decision, we go together. We’re partners. That’s what partners do.

By Sue

July 6, 2007 6:02 PM | Link to this

My husband and I divide up roles pretty well. We both handle our own dry cleaning/ironing/laundry for the most part. We both work full time during the week so I handle most of the household duties and he handles maintenance/yard work. It works pretty well for us! Oh, and I also cook but mainly because he doesn’t do it as well and tends to make a HUGE mess in the process. Just easier for me to do it… I guess we are pretty traditional?

By Dr. Z

July 6, 2007 7:23 PM | Link to this

Tip of the Day: A friend of mine said that soon after he married his wife, he washed a load of laundry. He mixed something VERY red in with the whites and washed in hot water. He said he never had to wash clothes again. I wish I had thought of that….

By Sue

July 6, 2007 7:31 PM | Link to this

AMEN Dr. Z! My husband once washed and dried 2 expensive business suits and has been relieved of his duties since!

By nurse&mother

July 7, 2007 12:48 AM | Link to this

When I worked full time, my husband and I shared responsibilities. My husband and I eventually hired a housekeeper to come every other week. As far as the laundry goes, I would wash and dry the clothes and my husband would usually fold them.

Now that I work part time, we kept the housekeeper and I do all the laundry. I do all the grocery shopping (always have). I go through the house on the off weeks and clean the bathrooms as well as mop and vacuum the floors. Because the housekeeper cleans every other week, I don’t have to clean as hard or as much. I certainly don’t windex the mirrors or the glass and I don’t have to dust (which is very nice:-)

As far as cooking goes, I absolutely hate to cook. I do try to cook a good ‘ole country meal once a week (you know fried okra, potatoes, beans, pork tenderloin mac and cheese etc.) Sometimes, I will cook two nights. i usually work two evenings a week, so that gets me out of two nights of cooking. The other nights we either scrounge up something or go out to eat (my personal fav!!).

My husband is definitely the do it yourself kind of handy man. He can build, plumb, wire etc. anything, so I leave these things up to him.

By Sebastian Carter

July 7, 2007 9:21 AM | Link to this

I’m the family pet and as long as Im fed, I’m happy.

I love my mommie more than my daddy, so I’d like to see her more often

Woof, Sebastian the Shih Tzu Love Bug

By Tamyra Hyatt

July 7, 2007 12:37 PM | Link to this

Your father in law would flip out if he saw my family. Our roles are completely reversed. My husband is a stay at home dad. He does everything around the house from shopping and cooking, to laundry and ironing. I haven’t washed a dish or cooked or cleaned in years.

This has been our lifestyle for seven years and it works for us. I enjoy my career and family, but it’s been nice knowing he’s home taking care of everything. It’s been less stressful for all of us.

I think back on my family and it’s not surprising. My mother was always focused on her career. I remember going to ERA rallies with her in the 70’s. And my father always shared cleaning duties, cooking and childcare equally with her.

By Just works itself out

July 7, 2007 2:03 PM | Link to this

We’ve been married almost 15 yrs with no kids (our choice) or pets. Household chores just work themselves out. We each naturally do what needs to be done and if the other doesn’t feel well or something the other takes up the slack. We have “staff meetings” as needed to discuss these things. I enjoy and have a talent for cooking but I’m not always in the mood, so H has learned to fend for himself when I don’t, and he’ll gladly cook/shop/take out if I need him to. Our little condo needs no yard work and cleaning’s not a big deal; luckily neither of us is real anal about it. H does all the wash b/c mine is a drop in the bucket and he’s been doing his own wash for years and it doesn’t faze him; plus I never learned to do such things because my mother did all that as a stay-at-home mom while I was at school all day. And he can do simple wiring and handyman tasks. Part of our reason for getting married was to care for each other unconditionally, and that’s what we do. Oh yes, did I mention my H gives me an hour-long foot and leg rub almost every night during TV?

By Peachy

July 7, 2007 4:44 PM | Link to this

Theresa, did you do this topic just for me?? LOL

My hubby and I work full time but we live a mile from my office, 35 miles from his. I cook, he does the dishes (although we’re still working on the rinse-before-dishwasher thing). I do laundry but he irons his own things unlesss I’m feeling generous. He will help fold and put away too, if I ask. He takes care of the baby - his role has increased in her life as she’s gotten older. But he doesn’t clean bathrooms, make beds, vacuum, etc. so that’s all left to me. Luckily the house isn’t very big, but since he suffers from allergies and my 2yo plays on the floor alot, I try to keep the place pretty clean, which is a struggle.

There was never really a discussion about this before we got married, and we had a housekeeper until about a year ago, but we’re saving to buy a new house so we cut back on expenses…boy do I miss her! We all sort of pitched in when I was growing up, so I’m already teaching my daughter to dust and pick up her toys.

By DB

July 7, 2007 8:03 PM | Link to this

Oh, gosh — I don’t ever remember sitting down and saying, “You do this, I’ll do that …” It just evolved. My husband works at home, though, and I work part-time, so our situation is a bit skewed. He likes to cook, so he putters around in the kitchen and cooks about 60% of the time. I sort laundry, and he’ll run it through the washer and dryer, and I’ll iron and fold. The basic rule in our house is “if it offends you, clean it up.” He tends to scrub bathrooms, I tend to vacuum — but neither complains if the other does it! Kids tend to do dishes and trash duties, as well as their own school laundry. He handles bill paying, but I’ll make arrangements for repairs and maintenance. And neither one of us would even THINK of buying a piece of furniture without the other’s input — for one thing, if it’s not comfortable for both of us, why bother?

He was terrific with diapers and nighttime feedings, and has always been available for carpools, field trips, etc., because of his work flexibility.

It works for us — and we don’t spend a lot of time grousing that it’s the other person’s “job”. It’s OUR home.

By John

July 7, 2007 8:09 PM | Link to this

If you are a stay at home dad and your wife is the breadwinner, good for you. This however; is one more example of the emasculating of our society. For any woman out there that wants to make the claim that men and women are equals, please save your typing. you are wrong! We ought to celebrate our differences and work to our strengths and weaknesses. For examplr, my little boy prefers that mom be his caretaker, my little girl on the other hand prefers dad’s way of doing things. There is nothing wong with acknowledging and embracing the obvious genetic physical differences in our two sexes. The harder we try to run away, the more obvious it becomes that we should run towards it. BTW, how many women do you see doing the really tough work like steelworker or construction work? 1% maybe? there is a reason and it is not just male stereotyping, women are different. Not less than, not more than, just different.

By joe

July 8, 2007 8:50 AM | Link to this

It sounds to me like the author of this blog is getting off way too easy. Her husband’s chores are daily and involve WORK. Let’s look at hers: “I handle all the finances, change toilet fill-valves, and handle all household matters - including pest control, insurance and the hiring of repair men. I also often end up taking my own car to the shop.” Hmmm…sounds to me like she just sits around writing checks all day for WORK that she or her hubby should be doing anyway. I bet she doesn’t cook either. Let’s call this what it is: another case of a spoiled little princess all grown up who can’t (or won’t) do a thing for herself.

By Lisa Earle McLeod

July 8, 2007 10:53 AM | Link to this

Yes men and women are different, yes if someone stays home and someone goes to a paying job, you need to work out a fair division of labor.

BUT SINCE WHEN IS IT “HELPING” WHEN A MAN TAKES CARE OF HIS OWN KIDS?

Household chores may fall to the parent who stays home more, or the person who is most skilled at the task at hand.

But last time I checked parenting has been a two person gig since the dawn of time.

I think Theresa is being quite gracious about your in-laws.

Someone who refuses to take care of his own flesh and blood, isn’t traditional, he’s just a jerk.

Good natured “ribbing” is really just the southern way of saying, “you people are doing it all wrong.”

Good lord, why is cleaning out the septic tank considered man’s work, but changing a poopy diaper woman’s work?

I guess if it’s a paying gig, it’s OK for men but if it’s a labor of love, women should do it. Or maybe it’s the size of the pile that determines who should clean it up.

By eyes opened mom

July 8, 2007 4:40 PM | Link to this

We have been married nearly 25 years. Since my own mother was a stay at home mom and never worked, I assumed that the fact that she did all everything inside the house was simply the way it was. I have always worked since I was 16. I never thought of the fact that I was putting in another 25-40 hours a week ( depending on when and where I worked) as a reason to dole out jobs to my hubby. Finally, after years of frustration, it dawned on me. My husband was and has always been super with the kids ( now nearly grown) we tagged of to care for them and never had child care for our oldest. Now, I travel for business and he is home with our younger child. They are close to their Dad and this is something he should be very proud of. I previously purchased all of his clothes, packed my husband’s suitcase, AND I hung out his clothes ( for years) each night so that he would have something that matched to wear to work. ( socks and underwear included) HELLO? What was I thinking? Finally it dawned on me that he could probably figure it out himself and learn from his mistakes. There were days that he came home from work and I rolled my eyes at what he wore ( still do sometimes). He would look me straight in the eye and say, “no one at worked said this looked bad…” Right, “hi there…you clothes have matched for years and now you look like you got dressed with your eyes clothes…did your wife used to dress you…? Yes, everyone has things that they are more inclined to be good at but if we always do things for our spouse that “he/she cannot seem to get the hang of…” He/ she never will. I hate driving in interstate traffic but I have now driven in 48 states…it can be done If you personally dress your child each day until he goes to high school, he will not know how to dress himself. Somewhere, intelligent minds need to realize that vacuum does not always go with vagina. All boys and men to know this. If women can figure out how to mow the lawn and get a car’s oil changed…men can learn how to use a toilet brush and and iron. FYI…my husband is a MUCH better ironer that me…due to military time. It was just convenient for his clothes to be pressed and hung for him and so he kind of forgot how to iron…VOILA he it came back to him and he does a super job at it. He even sometimes irons my things, if I ask him. If you are a stay at home mom, then you are probably going to have to assume more of the in house things ( due to having more time (IN THE HOUSE)but if you do go back to work…be prepared for the resistance…he likes to have enerything “handled” ( translate: done for him by YOU). I frankly cannot get enough self esteem from doing dishes, dusting,sweeping, emptying the dishwasher, making beds and folding laundry at it is the same cycle every day with NO PAY. For those of you who feel fulfillfed by doing this…my hat is off to you and good luck!

By nurse&mother

July 8, 2007 6:01 PM | Link to this

My husband and I have adapted our responsibilities throughout the years depending on my work. I feel that I should have most of the household responsibilities if I am only putting in 20 hours a week. If I am working full time, I feel that my husband can share the chores equally. Neither one of us have a problem with that rationale.

BTW, my husband and I have separate checking accounts. I pay for the housekeeper to come every other week. I don’t think it would be fair for him to pay half, if I am only working part time. When I worked full time, he paid half.

By Theeny

July 8, 2007 7:00 PM | Link to this

I handle the finances in my marriage. My husband just isn’t interested and I find it enjoyable. He is a MUCH better cook than I am, and likes to cook, so he does it often. Neither of us likes cleaning, so we hired a cleaning service. The separation of responsibilities wasn’t about male roles or female roles. It’s more about what do you want to do vs. what you hate doing. We either work it out or hire someone to do it for us.

By Jen

July 8, 2007 11:03 PM | Link to this

I think a lot of modern couples evolve into a system.

I keep the kitchen because it bothers me terribly for it to be dirty. I do most of the cooking because the only thing my husband knows how it make is red beans and rice…and left up to him we’d eat peanut butter sandwiches for dinner every night. I clean the floors (we have an 85 year old house so we have wood floors in every room except the bathroom and kitchen, which are tile) because I am the only one who walks around barefoot so I notice when the floors are gritty (can we say everyday?). I pay the bills because I like knowing how much money we have at all times. I am the one who usually picks our son up from school because I get off work at the right time.

But he does all the laundry because I hate it and he hates the way I fold. He tends to clean the toilets because he looks into them more than I do (duh) and notices sooner when they need cleaning. This usually sparks a whole bathroom cleaning. He administers the nightly piano practice and attneds the weekly piano lesson for our son because he’s the one who can play a musical instrument and he’s really keen on our son’s musical education. He’s the one who usually drops our son off at school because he’s going to work at the right time.

We split the nightly bedtime rituals with our son. We both go to soccer practice and games.

We’re pretty happy with the way the duties have fallen.

I’d never would have married a man who had a set idea of what was “womens” and “mens” work. That is a terribly unattractive quality…very NOT sexy.

By Penguinmom

July 9, 2007 12:10 AM | Link to this

I think if a man is really involved in the workings of the household, he absolutely deserves a say in the picking out of furniture, decor, appliances, etc. It’s not ‘your domain’ anymore if you aren’t the one exclusively cleaning or using it.

In our house we don’t follow traditional roles very closely. My husband started doing the grocery shopping with our first child and still does it 11 years later. He also enjoys cooking more than I do so I’ve happily turned that over to him. On the other side, I handle most of the finances for our home and for his business. We share things dealing with the kids including diapers and discipline.

Personally, I think it’s a bit rude of the m-in-law to ask about roles just to tease you. If I couldn’t come up with a way to make her stop, I’d have my husband ask her to. It’s not your marriage, not hers so how you have chosen to define your roles is your business not hers/theirs. As long as your marriage is healthy and y’all are taking care of your kids, what roles you play isn’t important.

By Kerry

July 9, 2007 8:48 AM | Link to this

Growing up, my parents usually split the house work. My mom did the laundry and my dad did the cooking. They split cleaning the house and did even shares of raising us and discipline. My husband and I split things also. He takes care of the finances (I SUCK at saving money) and we split the cleaning. We each do our own laundry though. I do the cooking and taking care of our daughter (bath and bedtime - he helps with diapers). My husband works with some men whose wives make their lunch everyday. One of those wives will ge up early in the winter and start his car for him so that it’s warm and defrosted. My hubby jokingly pouts about me not doing those things for him. I told him that I love him, but I’m not his mother and he’s not 12. He can make his own lunch.

By Becky

July 9, 2007 10:26 AM | Link to this

How do you make a man understand that if both of you work a full time job out of the home, that you should both split the household duties? After 13 years together, my husband still thinks that I should do all of the household stuff. He on the other hand, doesn’t have to cut grass because we have a HOA that takes care of that..We have had numerous fusses over this..Please help with suggestions..

By Ada

July 9, 2007 10:50 AM | Link to this

Seems to me that there is no ‘manual’ for marriage. if you go into a marriage with thoughts of ‘i’ll do this, and he’ll do that’ you’ll probably be dissapointed. As for us, we both work full time, me in an office, him from home. He makes a lot more money than I do so he takes care of the household bills. I take care of my finances, he takes care of his. We both clean (for which I am very thankful), and he cooks (he’s better than me!). It does kind of work itself out though. I found shortly after we got married that I need to pack for him, because he never brings enough clothes, and sometimes just doesn’t pack appropriately (ie: you can’t wear a t-shirt and khakis to a wedding :0)). You just have to find out what works for you both and do that…of course it helps to be married to someone that doesn’t have preconceived notions…

By married man, dad of3

July 9, 2007 11:03 AM | Link to this

So, you dont clean, you dont iron? You hire out the household maintenance, you sit in your car while your oil is being changed. You align yourself with SAHM’s when it’s convenient, but anyone that read this blog will remember you cleverly dropping that have a minority housekeeper and that on the first day of summer you hire neighborhood teens to watch your kids so you “can get things done”?. You talk about putting your 18 month old in “preschool”…. So what do you actually do again? Not calling you out, just curious, I guess I’m kinda jealous, although I happen to love the time I spend with my kids and enjoy creating a nice environment for them but hey, nice gig if you can get it, I guess!

Oh and then you get to write about it for the AJC, we should all be that clever.

By Jennifer

July 9, 2007 11:35 AM | Link to this

My husband and I were married nearly 6 years before we had children. Both of us worked full time, making about the same amount of money, and we didn’t do any “mine and yours” regarding chores, money or anything. We are both pretty flexible and handy around the house so we just do what needs to be done without bickering about it. Now that we have kids and I stay home full-time, I really try to do all the laundry, cleaning, errands for the house, etc. I don’t pack his lunch (unless I’m putting away leftovers and that’s rare since we just cook what we will eat in one sitting), he takes his own shirts to the cleaners and picks them up. He also does all the grass mowing, but I maintain the flower beds. Sounds boring but it works for us.

By Katie

July 9, 2007 11:45 AM | Link to this

Since when do rolls have to be established? Unless of course you’re an old fashioned person. In today’s world two people can share the work load. If two adults are married then the two ‘adults’ should be able to see what needs to be done and do it. If cleaning is needed then DO it. If the garbage needs to be taken out then DO it. Why do certain things need to be done by certain people? If you have two arms and are capable then just do it. My husband and I both work full time and both bring home similar salaries—we each do our part to make sure our home is clean and our yard taken care of. We are adults, act like adults and get the job done. If he wants a sandwich, he knows where the kitchen is, the same goes for me. I should also mention that we do not have any children nor do we have any plans to.

By shannon

July 9, 2007 12:36 PM | Link to this

20 years of marriage and let me tell you that it festers and festers when one partners carries an unfair portion of the workload. I work full-time, he works full-time but about 40 miles closer to home. We share cooking duties. However, I, the wife, do all yard work, house work, laundry, shopping, bill-paying, car care, pet care, child care (husband does help out alot with homework), scheduling of everything from doctors to a night out etc etc. He is very handy around the house in so far as fixing things I will say. Now, 20 years later, I am ready to trade this child-husband of mine in for a life alone. I simply can’t see doing it all again for another man. So, my advice is this: Clearly define your roles before marriage because resentment builds and builds over time and you can’t change old, ingrained habits. After a while (sometimes long while), you get tired of your husband being one of the kids.

By Smitty

July 9, 2007 1:24 PM | Link to this

Becky Quit your job, or go on strike at home until he does something to help you out. Withhold s3x until he starts cleaning once in a while. He lives there too right, or does he think he still lives with mamma? Or tell hubby that while he is only working ONE job, you are working 3 or 4. Full time job, housekeeper, chef, accountant, maid etc……do you see where I am going with this????

By Eva

July 9, 2007 1:32 PM | Link to this

Unfortunately, because we are women, most of the housework falls on our shoulders. There are very few men in this world who feel they should share in this.

Here’s an idea: when hubby or the kids don’t pick up after themselves and you have to do it constantly, go get a few huge garbage cans, and place one in the living room, one on hubby’s side of the bed, and one in each kids room. When they don’t pick up after themselves, you throw it in the garbage can. When they ask where it is, you reply, I threw it away, because obviously no one thought to PUT it away, and it’s not my job to pick up after you.

That’s what I did to curb a sloppy husband.

By Lynn

July 9, 2007 1:45 PM | Link to this

Shannon, are you telling my life story? LOL, I made it 20 as well, but that was it and man I’m glad. I met the man of my dreams shortly after and he even makes my coffee every morning even though he doesn’t drink it. Your H or soon to be ex will only realize it when he can’t replace you, but your right…you can’t change him now, it’s too late.

By BYUGRL

July 9, 2007 1:59 PM | Link to this

Shannon, thank you so much for your e-mail. I’m in the same boat. I could have copied your e-mail (except we’ve been married 12 years)

By Becky

July 9, 2007 3:42 PM | Link to this

Smitty, that’s a great idea, except I enjoy having my own money & time away from the home..I don’t know that I’m cut out to be a trus housewife in that sense. I will take your advice on the rest of the suggestions though..

By Peachy

July 9, 2007 3:45 PM | Link to this

After last week’s and this week’s blogs, I feel very fortunate that my hubby helps as much as he does, even though I feel I do the lion’s share of the work.

We had a discussion (fight) about it over the weekend, and I got a doorknob replaced, the garage cleaned out, and the laundry done!!!

I do have to admit that I like things done a certain way, and that I expect him to do things the way I like, but I don’t feel that rinsing the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher or folding the towels into thirds is unreasonable….after all, that’s how my dear sainted mother did everything! :o) lol

By mombie alert!!

July 9, 2007 4:02 PM | Link to this

Use of the words hubby, veggy, and of course the acronym LOL, are clear evidence that a mombie is in the room, resulting in an immediate lowering of the average IQ by at least 50 points.

By The Missus

July 9, 2007 4:03 PM | Link to this

Dr. Z and Sue, my husband tried that too with the red sock in with the white laundry. He wasn’t so lucky. I told him that it wasn’t going to work and he had to wear tighty-pinkies for a while.

He does most of the laundry and takes out the trash. That’s pretty much it. I hate it. It bothers the heck out of me that I do everything. Mostly my fault though, I’ve let him get away with it for too long.

Think I’ll go pack now…NOT for him.

: (

By nurse&mother

July 9, 2007 4:14 PM | Link to this

My husband and I are Episcopalian and before we could be married in the Episcopal church, we had to have four sessions of pre-marital counseling. It was not a big deal and the sessions only lasted one hour each. Our priest talked about four potential problems in a marriage: money, arguments, whether or not we wanted children, and how we would divide chores. We talked about before hand, whether we would have seperate (sp?) or joint accounts. We talked about how we would resolve conflicts. The last two are self explanatory. I think the sessions are designed to help you determine “is this the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with?”.

If you don’t share a lot of common with your potential mate, then you really should reconsider marriage. After all, marriage is not all about the hot passionate love. (don’t get me wrong. you still have to keep the fires burning.) It is also about living with someone for the rest of your life. This includes the daily grind. (bills, chores, etc.)

My husband and I have had our share of difficult times, but so far it has lasted 13 years in Dec. I never tried to change him and vice versa. IMHO, it is near impossible to change someone. That is why it is important to get to know your potential mate and discuss issues that may come up later in the marriage.

Eva, I do like the idea of the garbage cans! LOL Did it work?

By nurse&mother

July 9, 2007 4:29 PM | Link to this

Dear mombie alert!! What is your definition of a “mombie”? If the use of the words,”hubby, veggie (you cannot even spell it correctly), and LOL” automatically lowers my IQ by 50 points, it must have been pretty high to start off with. I was in the gifted program throughout elementary, middle and high school. Not trying to toot my own horn, merely dispelling your theory.

BTW (you probably want to add that acronym along with IMO to your list of mombie words), my “hubby” is a pretty smart man too. We both like to eat our “veggies” and use acronyms like “BTW” & “IMHO”. LOL!!

By mombie alert

July 9, 2007 4:54 PM | Link to this

Your honor, the prosecution rests.

By nurse&mother

July 9, 2007 5:15 PM | Link to this

I thought you would enjoy the scarcasm:)

By nurse&mother

July 9, 2007 5:17 PM | Link to this

You still failed to define the term.

By fk

July 9, 2007 5:26 PM | Link to this

We’ve been married twenty years. BC (before child), we shared responsibilities. Once our son was born, I became a sahm. I did most everything…he was responsible for the yards, trash and car maintenance. He enjoyed bath time and bedtime reading, although they are not chores in my book. My husband can do the food shopping, clean, vaccuum, laundry, etc. He has done it. However, now that I am back to work full-time after 15 years, he’s a bit slow on kicking in with the household chores. What the heck happened? And, the yard work and trash are now taken care of by our teenage son! Cleaning service is on the to-get list.

My mom stayed at home. My parents had ten kids. My dad had to assist my mother with the weekly food shopping. Geez, it was as if they were feeding an army. He did the bath routine and checked homework each night. He made the lunches for school the next day. He was also in charge of the thank-you note writing. Remember, 10 kids…that routine happened about least once a month. The only job I don’t ever recall my dad doing was laundry, and my mom never mowed the lawn. Other than that, they interchanged roles easily. And, my dad called my mom from work every afternoon, just to say hi, even when she was really, really, really mad at him. What a guy!

By eyes opened mom

July 10, 2007 8:09 AM | Link to this

I just checked back in and found some interesting tips. I tried the…putting all his things in a trash bin tip …. ( years ago)and it was WWIII around here. “you think you are so cute” Yes, the resentment does build up. I have even mentioned ( to hubby)some conversations I have had with others about how they handle chores at their house…reply, “they tell you what you want to hear…they do not REALLY live like that…” right, strangers lying to impress me…duh? Anyway, those of you who have spouses who consistently pitch in equally, please thank them every day. You are so lucky! FYI…my husband does make the coffee most days, clear the table, load and empty the dishwasher and take out the trash and for this I am grateful. I have read the following statement in woman’s magazines and am curious about it: “if you have higher expectations than your spouse about certain chores….just accept the fact that he is not going to do things ( around the house) as well as you do. Be thankful for what he does do.” If this happened at his job, would that fly? My husband is a VERY hard worker at his job but prefers to walk in the door and have everything handled. There are many weeks I earn more than him and still keep up the house etc. around here. There are other weeks I am not working at all and have no problem doing more that my share. He is not a slouch and will do things if I nag him but this is not a pleasant way to live. He is super about helping our neighbors with any outside projects but cannot get motivated about housework. Since when do you have to “feel like it” to dust, vacuum and do the laundry. Oh, by the way…I was out of state for a week of business and when I checked in ( on the way in to the airport) I was told, “the dog got sick and we put the couch cushions ( covers) in the washing machine …” I nearly ran into the ditch. When I spoke with my husband, I was told…”we could have left it on the couch…this was the alternative….” Please comment and let me know if this statemnent would send anyone else into space, or am I too picky…thanks!

By nurse&mother

July 10, 2007 9:58 AM | Link to this

Eyes opened mom- Was your husband like this when you two dated? Has he always been like this or did he evolve into this? Did his mother always do everything for him and his father? If so, he may see this as the way it should be. (not making excuses, just explaining why) If he was like this before you two married, you really can’t blame him now. If he evolved into this, then there is no reason at all to put up with it.

I think this is a really good argument in favor of pre-marital counseling. This would define some of the roles and responsibilities BEFORE marriage. This way there are no surprises. You know ahead of time what your partner expects and what you can expect.

I think marriage counseling might work, if your husband is up for it. Another option (although not the best one) would be to do the same thing that he does. Nothing. He might eventually get tired of the clutter. A third option is to hire a housekeeper to come once a week or once every other week. Good luck.

By eyes opened mom

July 10, 2007 10:56 AM | Link to this

No, his mother did not do everything for him. She did nothing. Their house is a mess! I came from an obsessive compulsive mom who was a drill seargent ( sp?)and looking back, I think I enjoyed the relaxed atmostphere…as opposed the being yanked out of bed when the kitchen was not cleaned to her satisfaction. I know he CAN see things are a mess, as he his fastidious about cleaning his car out when someone is carpooling with him. Otherwise, he has bags of trash on the floorboard and trunk. He also wants to close the garage if anyone pulls up in the driveway to drop something off. I clean it out 2 or 3 times per year but otherwise it is a circus out there…I cannot keep the house, the garage and also maintain my business…duh! I am totally with you on the pre-marital…we did have it but the housework topic was not discussed. We have gone to counseling and the counselor has helped me to see that this is not about being my job…thus I have relaxed about constantly cleaning. I take it up once a week ( for a good clean up) and otherwise am more relaxed. I used to also cook and leave meals for ny family while I traveled until hubby shared… ” we don’t like roast and vegetables in the crockput…” FINE…you can eat a frozen pizza…it will not kill you…hahaha! Thanks for your insight. This is more like group therapy for me.

By abc

July 10, 2007 11:18 AM | Link to this

My ex-wife didn’t recognize that I did much around the house. Laundry, sweep/mop/vacuum/dust, dishes, cooking, etc. but still she complained bitterly that she had too much housework to do. When she left me and the kids, I found the house much easier to keep up with, as most of the mess was created by her. So, go figure.

I’m engaged now to a woman who’s very traditional in this regard, but still doesn’t mind that I’m accustomed to doing for myself. If the bed is already made when she sees it, if I want to cook a nice meal for us, if I want to hire maids so she doesn’t have to mop floors and slog toilets, what’s the problem? I think it’s sweet that she wants to iron my clothes. I just have to remember to let her do stuff like that.

By DB

July 10, 2007 1:28 PM | Link to this

I had a friend with two teenagers and a husband who had a chart on the refrigerator called “The Daily”. It was laminated, with a dry-erase marker next to it. It had 12 chores that, in her home, HAD to be done each day before bed, and could be done by anyone. Each member of the family had to do 3. They could pick which 3, and they had to mark them off as they were done. There was incentive to get there first to knock off the easiest chores :-) She ended up doing the 3 that no one else chose, and she was fine with that. Or, if she had a late meeting, or something, she would take an easy one. The kids would trade (“You do my 3 tonight, I’ll do your 3 tomorrow”) sort of thing.

Worked for them :-) As she commented, “At least we all know what’s involved in at least keeping the health department out of our hair!”

By Lynnie

July 10, 2007 2:04 PM | Link to this

I’m grateful that things in my house aren’t like what many of you seem to face.

I’m not married yet, but we’re engaged and we decided to live together to get a routine established before marriage. I work full time, he works part time. I prefer this because I like having him at home to take care of things.

He makes my lunch on the days I take it. I come home to dinner made three days a week. The other two I cook because I enjoy cooking, so on the two days a week I get home on time, I fix dinner. We do different things on the weekends.

We share laundry, depending on who has time, but I always fold because I hate the way he folds. We share the cleaning chores, as well as taking out the garbage (we live in an apartment and have to take the trash to the complex dumpster) or walking the dogs.

We do not plan to have children, so that won’t be an issue. I’d say that overall things are divided up very evenly. We’re both very pleased with the division as is, especially having him as more of a stay-at-home than myself.