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Friday, July 6, 2007
Ironing out role we play in marriage
Is there conflict in your home over which spouse does what? Do you follow traditional roles or play to each other’s strengths?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In the 1950s men’s and women’s roles were pretty clear cut — wives took care of the housework and the children, husbands took care of the cars, took out the trash and made the money.
With the onset of women’s lib, women gained more power, but marital roles got more blurry. While I think it’s great for husbands and wives to pitch in wherever needed, I contend those blurry lines can sometimes lead to strife as couples navigate who should be doing what for the family.
Michael’s father is very old school about what a man should and shouldn’t do around the house.
For example, a man shouldn’t change a diaper. When my husband was first born, his young mother was trying to convince his father to help her more with the baby. So she refused to change Michael’s dirty diaper. But Michael’s father would not budge. It simply wasn’t man-work, and he wasn’t going to do it. Their stalemate went on for hours. Finally his father asked a neighbor to change him. Michael’s mother could never sway him and even when his last child was born in the 1990s, he still refused to help.
Michael’s mother passed away, but my new mother-in-law is old-school like his dad. She loves to rib me about the traditional marital roles I won’t play. When we first got married, she liked to ask me in front of my father- in-law questions about things I would not do for my husband - things they considered wifely duties.
For example, she liked to ask me if I ironed my husband’s shirts, knowing full well that I never have and never will. (Quick side note: I don’t iron. I scorch.)
I am happy to drop my husband’s shirts off at the dry cleaners and pick them up - that I can do well. My mischievous mother-in-law would giggle as she watched my father-in-law’s eyebrows rise while he pretended not to listen to the things I won’t do for his son. I also generally don’t wash his clothes or pack his bag for a trip. (I know lots of ladies that pack for their husbands, but how in the world am I supposed to know what he wants to wear?)
My own parents were a little more relaxed about their roles. My dad helped clean the house, and my mom usually cooked. My mother worked a full-time job, but my dad still filled her gas tank. Even today, he regularly follows her to the station to gas her up.
In our house, we are very modern in our interpretation of who does what — jobs are assigned based on strengths, not tradition.
My husband is great cleaner and washer of clothes so often he takes up those tasks. When he’s home, he also helps tremendously with the kids - changing diapers, giving baths, dressing and playing.
On the other hand, I handle all the finances, change toilet fill-valves, and handle all household matters - including pest control, insurance and the hiring of repair men. I also often end up taking my own car to the shop.
Some of these jobs annoy me, but I’m sure the fact that I don’t clean much annoys my husband.
The other downside to these non-traditional roles is now my husband has developed opinions about things he has no business worrying about - such as furniture and fabrics.
When we first got married Michael had lots of thoughts about what pots and pans we should buy and what duvet cover donned our bed. More recently, we’ve fought about choosing a new refrigerator, porch furniture, towel racks, drapes and medicine cabinets.
Despite some battles over décor and me having to deal with mechanics, I’m pretty sure I’d rather have those conflicts and have him help with the kids than the old-fashioned way.
