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June 2007
Maternity clothes evoke mix of emotions
How did you know when your childbearing time was over? How did you feel?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I never gave away any of my maternity clothes in between my pregnancies. I always knew I wasn’t done yet. They sat in plastic containers in the attic waiting for the next addition to our family. But now think our last baby born. And with a move to another house upon us, I have no excuse not to part with these oversize garments - except that I haven’t quite been ready to give them up.
Parting with maternity clothes is acknowledging that your childbearing time is done. It’s the passing of an era: No more excitement of taking a pregnancy test hoping to see two lines show up; no more joy of hearing a rapid little heartbeat at the doctor’s office or seeing that little butter bean inside of you, and no more planning how to surprise your husband or your family with news that another miracle is coming into your lives.
All of that is over, and it makes me sad.
It also makes me feel old. Somehow if you’re still having babies, you seem young. But if you’re past childbearing then you’ve moved on to menopausal.
I turned 35 in April so in theory I could have more babies, but I don’t think I could handle four kids and this last pregnancy had its scary moments.
Even in college when we talked about getting married and having babies, it was always three. Even though I feel like our family is the right size now, it’s still a little heartbreaking to know I’ll never feel another baby kick inside of me.
As I was packing up my stuff at the hospital preparing to bring our last baby home, I cried because I knew I would never be back at Piedmont Hospital again for a happy reason. There are no more good things that can happen in my life at a hospital. I don’t plan on having a face lift or boob job and even if you’re pleased with those results, they couldn’t rival the joy of giving birth. All that’s left now are heart attacks and cancer.
I got brave a few weeks ago and called The Quinn House, a homeless ministry in Gwinnett. I started crying on the phone when I asked the woman if they could use my maternity clothes. She assured me she had lots of mothers who could benefit from my donation.
About a week later the kids and I drove out there with the minivan full of maternity clothes, boy baby clothes and toys. During the trip to Lawrenceville, I kept preaching to my children the virtues of giving to the less fortunate. (I think I was trying to bolster my own confidence.)
I started crying as my van was unloaded, and was still crying as we drove away. The kids wanted to know why. I told them while it was good to give our clothes and toys to other mommies who could use them, it was hard to let go of things that reminded me of when they were inside of me and when they were babies. I told them I was sad that time in my life was over.
I keep trying to convince myself there are benefits to knowing you’re not going to get pregnant again. For one, we can start making plans. We can say now ‘OK in three years, all of the children will be old enough to travel to Europe.’ We can actually start getting rid of toys and clothes as our baby passes the age she can use them. I can lose my baby weight and not feel like it’s an exercise in futility because I’ll just be putting it back on in a couple of years.
I keep telling myself that even if the childbearing is done, there is still lots of child rearing to go. I’m trying to focus on the joys that lie ahead as we help our children grow.
When did your teen start to date?
How old does your child have to be to date? Does it differ for a boy versus a girl?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of our smart moms sent me these questions on dating. Here’s what she wants to know: How old does your child have to be before you permit a group-date situation? How do you confirm it’s really a group date? How old before a couple-only date? What’s the largest age difference you will allow? How well do you know your son/daughter’s date?
Permalink | Comments (34) | Categories: Family Life
Still smoking weed?
Is it hot for parents to smoke pot or has it always been that way?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In the last few months I have heard from several friends about parents they know smoking pot on a somewhat regular basis.
One friend told me that she didn’t like taking her kids to the neighborhood pool after dinner because it was too rowdy. It wasn’t neighborhood teenagers getting out of hand. It was neighborhood parents smoking pot at night around the pool.
Another friend was telling me about a Christmas party that they attend every year where the host has a pot-smoking room. The guests all know don’t go in that room unless you want to smoke some weed. Most, if not all, of the guests who attend are parents.
I guess my question is: Do you think more people these days are continuing to smoke pot past their college years and into their parental years? Is it worse for parents to be smoking weed than single adults of the same age? Would you find it acceptable for yourself or a spouse to indulge occasionally? What about on a regular basis?
Permalink | Comments (64) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Hooters: A family place?
Would you take your wife and kids to Hooters for a family dinner? Ladies, would you go?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
There was a crazy story in the AJC’s Sunday business section about Hooters turning 25 and how it’s not only attracting frisky young men, but also a large portion of families. The article says that 10 percent of all parties who eat there are families. Here’s the full story.
Husbands, would you try to take your families there? Would you feel comfortable staring at boobs with your wife sitting at the table? What about your daughter sitting at the table?
Wives, what would you do if your husband suggested your family eat there? Would you go?
Are the Hooters girls any worse than the dancing girls families see at professional sporting events? Or the women they see on MTV?
Permalink | Comments (222) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Ridding a house of that ‘lived in’ look
Sold a house while living in it with kids? What was most daunting: keeping it neat, getting rid of kids’ stuff, leaving whenever someone wanted to see it?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It only took 10 months, but we finally found a house. Surprisingly, I don’t think finding the house will be the hardest part of this process. Now, we have to sell ours with three kids and dog living in it. The whole goal when showing a house - or “staging” as they say in the real estate biz - is to have out only your best furniture, an unreasonably small amount of clothes in your closet, no clutter (no toys out), and it should smell like fresh baked cookies all the time.
In a house with a 3-month-old, a 6-year-old, a 4-year-old and a frisky little Shi-Tzu that’s nearly impossible.
We didn’t put the house on the market earlier in our search because we couldn’t imagine evacuating on a dime with a nursing newborn or keeping the house picked up enough for it to “show well.”
After almost a year of working under this theory, we’re starting to panic about losing the valuable summer selling time. So against our better judgment, we’re going to try to show the house while we’re still living in it.
A friend of ours is always telling us that our house “looks lived in,” which I think is a polite way to say that it looks like a tornado hit it. But we do “live” in our house. At this stage of my kids’ lives, the house isn’t for showing off or for dinner parties. It’s for functionality. We serve more than 80 meals and change close to 50 diapers a week. Every day the house plays host to art projects, games and at least a couple wrestling matches.
So, we expected to have to make some changes to sell the place. The real estate team in charge of selling it confirmed that. And, they didn’t mince words.
Looking around each room, the staging expert pointed at things that needed to go. This needs to go. That should go. That doesn’t work. This room would look good without that. Do you really use that?
She even pointed to the diaper changing table, the bassinette where the baby naps, and the baby swing where the baby sits while I’m cooking.
Then she went on to say, “I know you love your tchotchke, but that needs to go too.”
I pride myself in not having tchotchke. No knick-knacks, no figurines, basically nothing that needs to be picked up and dusted. Turns out she was talking about my children’s artwork posted in the kitchen. Cold, but I guess it’s probably necessary.
By the time we reached our upstairs, I was in tears. Her general feeling was that we had too much stuff. Yes, we know that. That is why we’re moving to a bigger house.
I know it’s not just our family. When we were looking at houses, many were staged perfectly. It was hard to tell anyone lived there. Then, we would get to the basement. Most of them were filled with boxes, bulky toys and tchotchke, which I’m sure some real estate agent recommended getting rid of. Unfortunately, our current house doesn’t have a basement, so we’ve filled up our garage.
I know the real estate agent made the suggestions for our benefit, and I think we’ll sell the house faster with her suggestions, but it was painful.
For the last few weeks, each day we’ve worked on a different room, closet or cabinet, separating the necessary from the trash and the stuff that should go into temporary storage. We’ve given a lot to charity, including several wedding gifts that were in their original boxes with wrapping paper still on them— we’ve been married since 1994!
The house looks considerably less crowded, and it turns out we can live without most of that stuff. The kids haven’t asked for any of the toys in the four huge boxes sealed in the garage. No one’s missed any of the eight boxes of clothes stored in there (many are for winter).Of course, I kept out the changer, bassinette and baby seat - I do need those things.
Now if I can just find a cinnamon bun-scented candle to put near the diaper pail we’ll be in good shape.
Did you try to sell your house while living in it with kids? What did you find to be the most daunting part of selling with kids: keeping the house neat enough, getting rid of the kids’ stuff or leaving the house whenever someone wanted to see it? Log onto to ajc.com/momania to share your house selling experience.
Handling run-amok hormones?
How much slack do you cut them when their hormones are running wild?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A few weeks back Jesse’s Girl was asking questions about teen hormones and I said we’d get back to that one for a full discussion.
So here we are: How do you handle teens raging hormones? How early do you start seeing these hormonal changes showing up? What are some of the symptoms you see? How do you know when it’s hormonal versus your kids being bad or crazy? How in control are they of their hormones? How much slack do you give them when they are hormonal? How do you know when you’re giving them slack and when you’re letting them run all over you? Who is worse to deal with: teenage boys or girls?
Something I read a while back (and I don’t remember where) was talking about one of the problems with moms giving birth later in life is that when their daughters were going through their hormonal changes so were the mothers (but in the opposite direction). Have any of you experienced this? Do you find this to be a problem? How do husband’s deal with whacked out daughters and nutty wives going through “the change”?
Permalink | Comments (42) | Categories: Health
What do movie ratings mean?
Does the current movie ratings system help you? How do you determine what movie is appropriate for what age?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
There are lots of big budget blockbusters this summer and lots of kids BEGGING to see them. Have you taken your kids to see “Pirates of the Caribbean 3”, “Spiderman 3”, or the new “Fantastic Four?”
What assumptions do you make when you see a PG, PG-13 or R rating? What is too much violence, explicit language or sex for what age? Do the current ratings help you know what is appropriate or do you turn to Web sites with more specific content information to decide before you go?
I haven’t seen the new “Spiderman” and “Pirates,” but I remember being shocked last summer by the number of young children (not 10 or 11 year olds but 4, 5 year olds) attending these movies. In the opening sequence to Pirates 2, there are prisoners left for dead in these holding cages while birds come and graphically pluck their eyes out. A giant sea monster brings down whole ships, murky swamps with scary voodoo ladies, undead pirates that get shot and recover. While great fun for teens, parents and even some older tweens, I just can’t imagine what parents are thinking bringing small children to see that.
Last year, I also was mortified for a young teen-ager who went with her parents to see “Borat.” I was so embarrassed for her sitting next to her parents as Borat wrestled with that very fat man, and we were seeing all the twigs and berries and worse yet the fat guy’s ravine. I wondered if her parents regretted bringing her along.
Entertainment Weekly’s Mark Harris wrote an interesting editorial this week about how the NC-17 rating needs to be scrapped. His argument is that all of the other ratings are just recommendations to parents and don’t bear the force of a law like the NC-17 does. He says parents think it’s OK to take their kids to R-rated movies because the R is just a recommendation. He thinks parents need more specific information about what’s happening in the scenes so they can make better decisions about what’s appropriate for their kids. Check out his column in full.
Tell us what you think? How do you make decisions about what movies are appropriate for your kids? Does the current rating system help? How would you change it to be more useful?
Permalink | Comments (61) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
My father of invention
Share some favorite traits about your dad
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When my daughter was 4 she announced she wanted to be an inventor. My father was thrilled.
My dad, who lives just four miles away from us, is an engineer by profession but an inventor at heart. I have always loved my father’s drive to create, his belief in his own ideas and his ability to make those ideas real. I also have always enjoyed the craziness that ensues while he works on his masterpieces.
While his inventions are often a little wacky, he has brought several to market and actually sold them. In honor of Father’s Day, I want to share a few of my Emmet M. Walsh Sr. favorites.
During the 1970’s oil crisis my dad invented a board game that helped players think about their energy choices - it was called Energy Systems by Walsh! Players would choose their energy source and work their way around a board seeing if they made a sound decision. Unbelievably, it sold at FAO Schwartz.
He put the games together in our garage with the help of the neighborhood children. Each child had a place in the assembly line — the 5-year old next door put in the die, the kid across the street placed the game cards, the kid down the street loaded the board. The 5-year-old also worked quality control, busting my grandfather when he wasn’t collating the game money correctly.
At one point the game was even given as a prize on the Ludlow Porch radio show. By chance, my brother called in and correctly answered a question one day. Ludlow told him he had won an Energy Systems game by Walsh. My brother was so disappointed. He told Ludlow to keep it. He had hundreds of them in the garage.
Years later during the Rubik’s Cube craze, I came home from school with a big idea. I had just seen a presentation about blind people. I told my Dad that I worried that blind people couldn’t work the cube, but if it had textures instead of colors then they could.
My dad quickly went to work collecting fabrics. He borrowed the family Rubik’s Cube, glued the fabric to the sides and created the Tex Cube by Walsh. Within two weeks, my Dad had sent a prototype to the American Federation for the Blind, and they ordered 1,000 cubes.
The poor neighborhood children were put back to work. (Who was enforcing the child labor laws in the ’80s?) We kids worked in our hot garage sticking thousands of little bitty squares of Swiss dot fabric, Velcro and rubber to fake Rubik’s Cubes bought from Taiwan. Little did we know that choosing the Taiwanese cubes would be a fateful decision.
The Tex Cube by Walsh was doing OK until the cheaply manufactured cubes starting falling apart on the blind people. Dad kept receiving packages in the mail of broken cubes from frustrated blind people who wanted replacements. (He did replace them.) Ever the optimist, he didn’t consider that a failure, just a lesson in purchasing raw materials.
While the few remaining cubes are still treasured by family friends, his greatest invention never made it to market. He was on a quest to develop a better toilet paper.
He was obsessed with making the bathroom experience a cleaner one. He felt wet toilet paper needed to be worked into everyday toilet use. He wasn’t merely happy with having a small box of diaper-style wipes sitting on the back of the toilet. He felt the wet wipe needed to be integrated into the actual roll of toilet paper.
When I was would come home from college, I never knew what type of toilet paper I would find. We were unwilling guinea pigs in his toilet paper experiments. Would it be too wet? Too rough? Would the wet substance burn?
I at least only got the prototypes that had been through several batteries of testing. Poor mother was on the frontline.
Mother refused to let him mess with the guest bathroom. That was at least one safe zone.
He never perfected the wet toilet paper to his standards and eventually the project fell to the wayside. Many years later, several major paper players came out with their own versions of the wet toilet paper dispenser, but he didn’t think any of them got it right. Maybe he’ll resume the quest when he retires.
Are you a sentimental saver?
Do you keep baby clothes, baby toys, school work? Does your husband understand why?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of the fundamental differences between me and my husband is I am a sentimental saver, and he is not. I know where I get it from. My mother saved every piece of clothing we ever wore, every toy we ever played with, made scrapbooks with any certificate we achieved in school and could locate fairly easily school work from any grade level - including college.
Michael’s mother on the hand rarely saved anything - no clothes, very few toys, no school or art work. I think because they moved so frequently with the Army she was constantly having to evaluate do we really want to haul this to Germany, Italy or back to the United States (depending on which assignment they were on).
My husband won’t believe this but I do think purging possessions is good for you. Somehow you just feel better with less clutter around. I did a good job purging when we moved into a studio apartment in Manhattan, but then I wasn’t giving/throwing away my children’s possessions. I find that much harder to do.
What do you like to keep of your children’s possessions - clothes, toys, school work? What is your goal in keeping it (hope that grandchildren will some day use it or just to remind you of how they were)? How do you organize it all (especially the art and school work - no clue where to put this stuff)?
Permalink | Comments (37) | Categories: Family Life
How late is your teen’s curfew?
What curfew is appropriate for what age teenager? Do they get to stay out later during the summer?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You guys have been clamoring for teen topics so I’m going to try to do at least one teen topic a week. DB sent me a bunch of really good teen ideas so I’m going to use a lot of those. (Thanks DB for making my life easier!) If anybody else has some teen ideas please feel free to send them to me at ajcmomania@gmail.com. Our first topic is on curfews.
What time is appropriate for what age? How do you figure out the time? Are summer curfews stricter than school-year curfews? Do you find yourself being stricter with your daughter than your son? What kind of consequences do you have for broken curfews?
Permalink | Comments (51) | Categories: Family Life
The knock on ‘guy time’
Do women begrudge 'guy time' because they don't get equal 'girl time'?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
After seeing the movie “Knocked Up,” I decided to write about why fathers need guy time and why wives get so angry about it — both were major themes in the movie.
Starting my research, I asked one of my girlfriends if she felt like her husband needed more time to himself — either to be alone or to hang out with his friends. She said, “Isn’t that called time at the office?”
Another friend told me that business trips should count as a guy vacation. (They get to eat out, sleep alone and drink.) And, another mom semi-joked that her husband had plenty of time to himself — while he was driving alone to and from work.
Obviously, the movie was right. Guy time is a huge point of contention in marriages, but why?
When we were dating, I don’t remember my then-boyfriend ever complaining that he wasn’t getting enough time with the guys. Of course, he was spending 18 hours a day with two roommates and numerous drop-in friends in an apartment with a never-ending card game, a fridge full of beer and three videogame systems.
He was overjoyed to get away from the testosterone-filled atmosphere to spend time with a companion who didn’t smell like beer and sweat. He would even go for a walk with me or accompany me to the mall.
I think most boyfriends act this way. But once you marry them and surround/suffocate them with throw pillows, duvets and the responsibility of supporting a family, they get itchy. It’s like a wild animal trapped in a cage— they start to feel claustrophobic and need to get out. They think back to their carefree days and want to hang with the guys.
Let me just say right here that I get that. I completely understand why guys feel like they need some time to be alone or hang with their friends. And I honestly think most women can appreciate that as well. I know there are a few ladies out there that just like to have their men around all the time. I would argue that they’re unusual, and I can’t defend that behavior.
But I think for the average woman, the anger stems from a disparity in how much time husbands and wives take away from the kids. I honestly don’t think women would begrudge their husband guy time if they got equal girl time. I think the difference is moms don’t or can’t take as much time to themselves as men do. So we get jealous, resentful and mean about time they spend with their friends.
Acceptable guy time is all about moderation for me. I don’t care if he plays poker once a month. I’m totally fine with that. I did have a problem last year when he tried to start playing every two weeks. I was getting out approximately twice a year. Yeah, I’m going to be a little bit mad about that.
With a new baby in the house, two kids, and an impending move, neither of us has been getting any time to ourselves lately. He hasn’t complained, but I can tell he’s feeling like he needs a break. But I do too.
So how can guys get the down time they want and deserve without setting off their wives?
I would personally feel better if my husband offered some quid pro quo time. He could say something like, “I’m planning on playing poker Tuesday night. I would be happy to watch the kids for you to go to lunch with friends on Saturday.” That would go a long way to keeping the peace in our house. What about yours?
Do you mind if your husband takes it? Do you think you get an equal amount of leisure time to yourself?
Nervous about first sex after baby?
How soon after your child’s birth did you pursue sex? Were you scared?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
How soon after the birth of your child did you try to get back in the saddle again? Were you worried about any aspect of it? Did you discuss it with girlfriends ahead of time? Did you discuss your fears with your husband ahead of time? How did subsequent births affect the amount of time it took for your sex life to get back to normal?
I can remember after having my first child sitting at playgroup with all the new mommies discussing how and when to start having sex again. Everyone was scared that it would hurt. I think a few had even lied to their husbands about when the doctor said they could start again. There also was a lot of discussion about ways to hide post-pregnancy rolls of fat and ways to make the first time go more smoothly.
How long did it take for you to get back in the saddle? What were your fears?
I think we can have a very valuable discussion if everyone keeps it as clean and mature as possible.
Permalink | Comments (29) | Categories: Battles between Mom and Dad
Is summer for working or building resumes?
How should a summer be spent by teens? Is it OK to enter college never having worked before?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It seems to be a trend for teen-agers to spend their summers improving their resumes for scholarships and college applications and not working the menial jobs of yore. They go and build houses for Habitat or attend summer classes instead of flipping burgers or being camp counselors.
But is this a good thing? Are teens losing out on a valuable experience not working before they enter college? Is it wise for their first real job to be their first job ever?
Is increasing their chances for a big-payout scholarship a more valuable experience than working?
Permalink | Comments (58) | Categories: Education
Take our ethical parenting pop quiz
Poop in the grocery cart, racism spewed -- how do you handle every day ethics in front of your kids?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Pop quiz, hotshot. You’ve just left Target with your purchases. You’ve locked your three kids in their car seats when you notice two boxes of breast pads that were overlooked by you and the cashier. They were not paid for. Your 6-year-old daughter also notices. What do you do? What do you do?
Do you unhook all three kids and slog back into the store to pay for the items? Do you leave the items in the shopping cart in the parking lot? Do you take the items home and return them on another shopping trip? Do you just take them home without paying?
Parents are faced with ethical dilemmas like this every day. One would hope that a parent’s answer would be the same whether her children witnessed the incident or not. I thought it would be fun to do a parenting pop quiz on how you would handle some ethical situations. Listed below are some real-life dilemmas that my friends or I have recently faced. I’ll tell you how we handled the situations at the end.
In the grocery store: A. Your child picks up and opens Tic Tacs. He doesn’t eat any but the seal has been broken. Do you buy them or discreetly return them to the shelf? B. Your child eats one Gummy Worm from the Brach’s by-the-pound candy display. Do you leave money for the one worm or don’t worry about compensating the store for it? C. Your children always want to eat bananas as soon as you put them in the cart. Do you tell the cashier some are missing or just pay for the bananas that remain?
At Sam’s Club, your child develops diarrhea and leaves runny poop run all over the seat of the cart. Obviously you have to evacuate as soon as possible, but do you take the time to alert a clerk so the cart can be disinfected? Do you try to clean the cart yourself?
Your child accidentally urinates by the side of the pool. The pavement is already wet and the pee blends in. Do you try to clean the spot on the pavement yourself? Do you alert the lifeguard?
The handy man working in your house starts making racist comments in front of your children. What do you say?
Although I admitted last week to occasionally cheating at board games and to attending an illegal sprinkler party, I am pretty doggone honest everywhere else in my life - whether my kids are witnessing my behavior or not. Here’s how my friends or I dealt with the dilemmas above:
Tic Tacs: The seal was broken so I told my little guy we had to buy them. They turned out to be a nasty flavor. It was a good punishment that he had to eat them. Gummy Worms - The candy center is pay by the pound. I lectured my child like crazy, but I didn’t try to compensate for the one Gummy Worm. I couldn’t find a place to leave any coins. Now that I’m thinking about it maybe you’re supposed to pay at the register? If it happens again, I would tell the cashier. Bananas - I weigh the bananas ahead of time so even if they eat some I can tell the cashier exactly the weight to charge us.
Diarrhea in the cart: This happened to a friend. She said she left the store as soon as possible. Out in the parking lot, she wiped everything down with a diaper wipe and then with anti-bacterial wipes.
Peeing near the pool: I have never had a child pee in the pool, but I have had a child pee about five feet away from one. I took the child to the shower to clean them off and then splashed a bunch of water away from the pool onto the spot of pee.
Racist comments: I said where my children could hear me, “That’s not funny” and walked out of the room. And what about the breast pads? That was a lot more complicated. The baby needed to nurse so I didn’t have time to unload all the children. I obviously didn’t want to leave the kids alone in the car.
There was no question I was going to return the breast pads, but I just had to figure out the fastest way to do it. First, I looked for a Target employee. No one was around. Then I drove up to the front of the store and looked for a clerk there. When I didn’t find an employee, I turned off the engine, locked the kids in the van and ran up to the door and lobbed the breast pads into the store. I could still see the car and the breast pads were in the store. Problem solved - although not gracefully.
What would you have done? Tell us how you would handle these ethical dilemmas and share with us some that you have faced.
Permalink | Comments (111) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
