MOMania

By Flo Jean

June 28, 2007 9:17 AM | Link to this

A group date 12-15. Couple only dating 16-18. Age difference? One grade apart if they’re in high school. I insist on meeting the date and knowing something about them before they take my daughter out. Curfew: Midnight on Fri or Sat. No dating on a school night.

By decaturparent

June 28, 2007 9:41 AM | Link to this

Hmmmm… not quite there yet. I believe that I will basically go by Flo’s rules though - that sounds about right to me. Date definitely has to come in the house and meet dad and me. No honking outside the door allowed.

Now, how do you work it if you have a son? Are the rules different? How do you insist on meeting the girl if your son is going to pick her up? I have girls and boys and it just occurred to me that things are different with a boy as far as meeting the girl.

We live in a pretty tight knit community, so there is a good chance that I will know or can find out about the boy/girl that my kid is dating - that helps a good bit.

My recollection from my youth though is that some of the boys that were the biggest parent charmers were some of the ones that you really had to look out for!

Ugh -….. would 30 be too old to let them start dating?

By sharon

June 28, 2007 9:50 AM | Link to this

I 100% agree with everything Flo Jean said. If I don’t meet the peope my son/daughter will be socializing with then the date is off. I also question the driver and lay down ground rules (no drinking, speeding or loud music).

By Fulton County Mom

June 28, 2007 10:22 AM | Link to this

Few additions to FloJean’s guidelines: 12-15 group date…parent had better be doing carpool duty. Parent not some sibling person. I know what movie/theatre etc. If I want I may show up in the vacinity and check it out. ALL plans will be researched/verified with the other group member’s parents..I will be a carpool driver on occasion too!

Single dates not before 16 and then only if mature enough to handle it. No more than 2 couples in a car. He picks you up at my door, none of this honk and run crap. If I do not know him, he will be interrogated….er meeting me and we will talk so allow time in your plans for that. I still have to know the internery of where/who/when.

Violations to curfew will result in a revocation of time/privledges etc. If you are late he better come in with you to explain. I will not ‘peep show’ but he had better walk you to the door no matter what time you come home.

Age differece depends who/maturity level. I dated no more than 2 up through HS in general. I believe that same guideline was true from my brother. Although there was one year it might have been slightly more than 2 due to us having been dating a while and I recall he went ‘off’ to college (in state) but I was not allowed to go to college parties with him…

If it looks ‘serious’ then I better get to know his parents too.

Now if I am fortunate enough to remarry between now and then, the rules may upgrade but those basics don’t look like they will down grade.

decatur parent—my brother was a charmer and he will tell you there is no way his daughter is going to go out with one like him! (He was/is a gentleman….but a rogue too).

By SD

June 28, 2007 10:25 AM | Link to this

You can set rules until pigs fly but you don’t really know what your kids are really doing the second they pull out of your driveway. Anyone on here recall the Dateline program with the hidden cameras in the cars the teens were driving? Recall that it was the kids of the parents who were the most adament that their little Sue or little Johnny would never disobey the rules that broke all the rules. My husband works swing shift and he is always telling me how surprised he is to see some of our neighbors kids walking around the neighborhood at one am, the time he arrives home from work. He’s seen many kids walking from one house to the other, video games in hand or a few just hanging out in the parents driveways at that time of the morning or later.

By Stacey

June 28, 2007 10:32 AM | Link to this

I’m a long way from being there as a parent, but I am the youngest of 5 girls (the boy had a different set of rules). We were allowed to “take company” at 13-14. That mean that the boy could come over and sit in the family room (with the whole family) and watch TV or he could come over for dinner. We were allowed to group date at 15 and 1-on-1 dating at 16. I don’t remember for sure but I think my curfew was 10:00 for group dates (unless I was with an older sister) and 11:00 for 1-on-1.

I could not have a boy in my room until I moved out on my own. When I was engaged to my husband, we had an apartment here but when we visited my mom out of state, he slept in my old room and I slept in the bed with Mama. My husband and I had a good laugh at a movie that was out a few years ago where Ashton Kunscher was dating Bernie Mac’s daughter. Bernie made the daughter sleep with her mom and he slept with Ashton! I bet if Daddy had been alive at that time, that probably would have been our arrangement, too.

By HL

June 28, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this

When I was on HS. I had to be 16 to date and the boy had to come to the house to spend the evening with my family before he could take me out. That lasted until I was in college, but living under their roof. One guy came over and met my parents. I think my dad made him so uncomfortable and my parents didn’t care for him, but they were not rude to him. Nor him to them, but he never asked him out again. Others did. My husband and I met when I lived in a different state from my parents, so they met him after we started dating. They had a few concerns, but by the time we were engaged the concerns were gone and they gave him their blessing.

By MOT

June 28, 2007 10:53 AM | Link to this

As a mom of ten; seven boys, three girls, the oldest 33 married with four of their own down to my youngest- 12 years old, we have had years of experience in this arena. Many things we did right and some we didn’t. Here are the boy/girl rules:

1.NO being alone in anyone’s house with other kids male or female unless there is a trusted adult with you (until mine are 18.) We found the hard way this is a good basic rule that provides safety in many ways and a prevention of potential problems.

I try to host things for the kids even though I have a very heavy schedule since I have gone back to college, that allows me to see the character of their friends. I have let the boys have sleepovers and we keep them busy with games and movies all night wear them out, keep them well fed: we have a midnight snack of fresh homemade scones with honey butter or powdered sugar aqnd gallons of cold milk. I get them up early in the morning and fix a huge breakfast and send them packing. When kids especially guys get well fed, and have a structured schedule where they get their energy sucked out of them it helps keep them out of trouble, wanting to come back for more. I have more guys than I can count that will see me in public and run up to me and hug me and call me Mama_(my last name there) years after they spent time in our home.

One weekend my husband set up a movie night outside in our back yard and told the boys (3 are now dating, the 20, 18 and 16 year olds) to bring their dates over for a surprise. He called it the drive in theater. Everyone had pillows to sit and stretch out (our one exception to the no reclining during a movie rule) on the trampoline while watching the movie. We were in and out a lot with snacks and such and with the crowd there was no chance for any kind of intimacy. They LOVED it and have requested another that they invite “The Group”.

We keep on hand in our library books on creative dating ideas, but you can find those online too. Many a time we have one come in with their date and say we’re bored we can’t think of anything to do, we have them pull the books down and go through and find an idea. They have had the best time on some of the simple, or creative ideas from those books, but we get the credit for being so smart as though it were our idea!

One idea (even my husband and I have used that we taught the kids): go to a mall or a store (Walmart will do even), each person has a set amount of money, the less the more challenging it is, but don’t be too skimpy. Usually it is about $5. Separate and go different ways to secretly buy each other something with that little bit of money that the other person will love. That has provided MANY fun times for the kids and their dates.

One idea the 18 year old and his date just last night started: making picture quilts. They bought a cheap white comforter type quilt. They have picked out all the picutres of themselves from their first date to the most current thing, narrowed them down to their favorites picked enough for making the quilt. Bought the stuff to print transfers on the printer, made transfers of the pictures and then ironed them on the quilt. They were busy in our home office then down in the laundry room ironing and arranging for 6 hours! They had requested we play a favorite family card game, but they were so busy with that and tired that the game never materialized! They have to finish that one and make a second one so they each have one….as he leaves for college soon and will have that in his room. That one was THEIR idea, after years of learning how to find fun creative meaningful things to do under guidance.

Good luck to you all!

Seeing kids successfully through this stage is hard work if done well and right. Many parents feel the older they get the less time and effort these kids need. Not so they need you now more than ever to help navigate and prepare them for the big scarey world of being an adult, and an adult who can find and develop healthy relationships and eventually finding the most important one of all. Don’t become hands off NOW! Besides, it is tons of fun! My husband and I have a blast with the times we host things for the kids, either as single dates, doubles or groups. Our most recent was prom night, one of the three boys and his date didn’t want to pay huge prices for dinners they hardly eat. The parents got together, one hosted, we provided a fancy better than a restaurant meal: steak, baked potatoes, salad, breads, macaroni and cheese and chocolate fondue for dessert. They had more fun at the house eating than at the prom!

As the kids age we turn more control on their decisions over to them, but in the early years of no experience and them trying to base their decisions on what the media and what their peers tell them or what they see, it is vitally important that parents plan on stepping in and providing the kind of experience YOU and your kids would want, and not let peer and media pressure suck them and you into the grow up too fast way of doing it.

Sorry it is so long. I hope it helps those who are just beginning this journey and those who are thinking ahead: GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!

By Fulton County Mom

June 28, 2007 10:56 AM | Link to this

SD—you are correct they will break the rules….I admit I did (and was caught sometimes and not caught sometimes)….however the rules will be made, enforced when infractions occur….roll the die takes your chances….you never know when/how Mom will find out…but often she will…..

My mother ALWAYS knew when we were not where we were supposed to be and she did NOT ‘spy’directly…..Years later I learned most of the neighbors had a ‘teen dating watch’ much like a neighborhood watch….they sort of filtered the info out on who/what/when etc

By Shannon, M.Div.

June 28, 2007 10:58 AM | Link to this

I’m not a parent, but I’m interested in the gender distinction. Doesn’t it send the wrong message to youth of both genders to treat them differently in terms of rules? Even if you argue that it’s the “reality,” you perpetuate the myth that young men deserve less stringent rules than do young women. It’s my opinion that an attitude like that leads to the overprotection and too-high expectations for “pure” behavior of young women—as well as underprotection and too-low expectations for moral behavior of young men.

Also, when I was in high school, I was usually the one who did the driving for myself and my boyfriend—and that was over ten years ago. It wasn’t that odd in my set, either (the geeks). I daresay that unless there’s a huge age discrepancy (another can of worms there), the guy and girl can at least take turns driving so both sets of parents meet the date.

By Stacey

June 28, 2007 10:59 AM | Link to this

To this day, I don’t respond to someone just pulling up and blowing the horn. I don’t even pull back the curtain to see who’s outside. We will sometimes need to go to dinner or somewhere when my husband gets home. If he decides that he doesn’t want to come inside first, he will call when he’s a couple of minutes away.

By MOT

June 28, 2007 11:09 AM | Link to this

SD When parents are truly involved they know one way or the other what goes on. With all of ours, we have had either a “feeling” of our own and would investigate, or the police or our own friends, or even the kids themselves will tell on each other, siblings and their peers, either on purpose or letting things slip. A parent who is on their toes will KNOW through the network a parent builds to catch these things. With some of mine, it takes ONCE before a lesson is learned. Like the wee hours of one morning my husband awoke to the doorbell at 3 a.m. and found a policeman with our now 18 year old with him, who was I think 15 at the time. He found him out walking and stopped him and questioned him and brought him home. Out of ten kids, this was the ONLY time we have had to deal with the policemen. He was very nice and told him he warned our son of the dangers and why he should not be sneaking out. He said he could tell he was a good kid from a good home and didn’t expect to be hearing from us again. He/They haven’t. Our son was so embarrased. He had been going through a hard time dealing with a learning disorder and had just decided to take a walk one night when he couldn’t sleep.

In the cars: we take away our kids licenses when we find any evidence of misbehavior. We have been known to follow them, listen in to them when they didn’t realize their phone had dialed home so we got to listen as they drove, keep our antenae up for conversastions between their friends when they are here (so much can be learned). Are they perfect. NO. I don’t even try to pretend they are. But by gosh, they KNOW driving is dangerous and a privilege they better take seriously.

Right now, my 16.5 year old is dying to have us let him get his license. We have not felt comfortable with it yet. He will when we KNOW he is mature enough.

One of the older daughters was scared to drive. She took her time and finally by 19 got her license.

Very few have gotten licenses right on the target because we won’t allow it till the maturity is there, the trust. And even then, we follow up with doing our job.

By FCM

June 28, 2007 11:13 AM | Link to this

I am printing MOT’s rules and saving them….

Question to the blended families…single parents out there:

WHAT DO YOU DO IF THE OTHER HOUSE (ie the ex) HAS DIFFERNT DATING RULES THAN YOU???? I have reason to believe this will occur for our house….and truthfully at 14 mine can ‘jump ship’ and end up teen statistics like his sisters did.

By lawrencevillemom

June 28, 2007 11:30 AM | Link to this

Group gatherings are approved on case by case basis in public places and I have to know all participants and where they will be and what they will be doing. Until my daughters have their driver’s licenses they can’t date alone…if they go somewhere with a date and the boy does something stupid they need to be able to drive themselves home. Until then they can have “supervised visitation” - meaning we the parents or the date’s parents (if we know/approve them) will be present at the restaurant, hockey game, movie etc. As far as age difference - no more that 2 years while in high school.

By Ms. Jones

June 28, 2007 12:41 PM | Link to this

MOT Goodness, you need to write a book. I’m printing those out as well. :)

We are not playing the dating game yet, I think my daughter is still somewhat shy (code for scared). She has numerous boy “friends”, but no one in particular. She says she is just having fun for now. Plus she has a job, so those dollar signs are a high priority for her right now. And that’s just fine with me!!!

By Ms. Jones

June 28, 2007 1:41 PM | Link to this

Where is Jessie’s Girl???? I haven’t seen her post in a long time. Did she say she was going out of town?

By kimadeen

June 28, 2007 2:01 PM | Link to this

I hate to even think about dating. My son is 13…and looks like a high school senior. There are older women complimenting him. I don’t want that situation. But I also do not want him, at 17, dating a young lady who is 15…because IF they each consent to sex, guess who’s the only one breaking the law? I don’t want that situation either. I’m having heart palpitations right now just thinking about it. So I really haven’t gotten as far as the dating rules yet…just trying to wrap my mind around the reality that he WILL date.
Jesus Lord… I think I need some medication…

By Lynn

June 28, 2007 2:13 PM | Link to this

I’m having a very difficult time deciding on this topic. For now, we allow the young men to come to our house and play pool or watch movies with our daughter but have yet to let her date one on one or with a couple. I feel like she’s very mature and has a level head on her shoulders but I just can’t get the trust issue covered when it comes to letting her leave with someone. She’ll be 16 in December so this is something I need to be coming to grips with but I just keep putting it off. She’s very gorgeous and her step dad keeps telling me what 16/17 year old guys have in their mind and it scare’s me! I do believe the young man she’s been seeing is still a little on younger mentality sign but from what I hear about slick young men, I just can’t decide.

By jill

June 28, 2007 2:29 PM | Link to this

The question is how mature is your teenager, and how much do you trust him/her? If the answer is “not enough” in either category, restrict him/her from dating.

By Jeff

June 28, 2007 2:37 PM | Link to this

I posted a version of this not too long ago here, but my rules are simple:

Son:

When he is old enough to drive.

Daughter (yours):

When she is old enough to drive and consistently able to defend herself against an adult male who intends to harm her.

Daughter (mine):

When I’m dead.

By Lynn

June 28, 2007 2:39 PM | Link to this

Kimadeen, and you have every reason to worry. My ex husband came home from work early one day and caught our son who was 15 at the time in bed with the 17 year old babysitter.

By Jeff

June 28, 2007 2:45 PM | Link to this

Lynn,

a) Why would you have a female 17yo babysitting your 15 yo son?????

b) Why would you have a babysitter for a 15yo AT ALL?????

Talk about being over-protective! Would have served you right if you had been made a grandparent by that 17yo babysitter!

By kimadeen

June 28, 2007 2:47 PM | Link to this

Well, I won’t be employeeing any babysitters of any age to take care of my son when he’s 15, so I don’t have that to worry about. But thanks for the heads up.
By the way, since the young lady was past the age of consent and your son was not, did you press charges?

By Lynn

June 28, 2007 3:20 PM | Link to this

@Jeff, you jumped to conclusions TOO quick. I had 5 & 3 year old girls she was babysitting during the summer and my son had a part time job at a fruit stand so I don’t think I deserved to bear grandchildren due to overprotectness by your standard of thinking! When in doubt “Ask first” is a good motto before attacking.

By SD

June 28, 2007 3:24 PM | Link to this

Lynn, that was a booty call…not a babysitting gig. Get real.

By Ms. Jones

June 28, 2007 3:25 PM | Link to this

Jeff Do you supply your son with condoms when is ready to date?

How come he can date when he can drive, but your daughter can’t until you are dead? Double standard? Keep the girls fresh for marriage, but send the boy out with condoms? Why is it different for boys? Double standard?

By fk

June 28, 2007 3:35 PM | Link to this

My son is 16. He does not yet have his license, so the dating scene has not really come upon us. I dated his father at 17, so we’re not so oblivious to think that rules won’t get broken, though. My friends and I always talk about this topic, age appropriate dating. All of us have teenagers. Our feelings were to address the topic with our kids when the situation arose. Why push something upon them if they’re not ready? Maturity is the key. Only one of my friends had dating rules for her daughter. She was not allowed to date until she was 15. And, she is the only child of our group who has ever been obsessed about having a boyfriend. My son hangs out with friends, sometimes in mixed company, sometimes not. There’s no rush. Once it starts, there’s no turning back.

By Lynn

June 28, 2007 3:41 PM | Link to this

No Kim I didn’t. That was back in 1996 and the laws were not as stringent as they are now. It did destroy the relationship between him & his father and that was the hardest thing to deal with. She was his first and he was in love so it led to him lying, and sneaking out at night when she would pick him up and then led to more screaming and yelling with his dad which eventually led to our divorce.

By Homeschool Mom

June 28, 2007 3:57 PM | Link to this

My oldest son is 16 but doesn’t have a DL so not an issue yet. But, he has been forewarned that girls are only after his money-which he is VERY protective of (my hubby laughed when I said that) and that a relationship right now will stand in the way of doing all the things he wants to do with his life so I’m hoping hanging out with his guy friends will suffice for abit longer :)

By Edward

June 28, 2007 4:01 PM | Link to this

I must be old school here. I have never tried to by my kids friends, I am their parent so my rules are not usually popular rules. Perhaps a career in the military has had some influence on my thinking but in our house no one dated, the boys or the girls, until they were at least 17 and then it was on an indivudal basis, depending on the maturity level they displayed at home and in school. The only date one daughter had in high school was her senior prom, the fact we caught her smoking showed us she was not trustworthy. Even her prom date came with an early curfew. One son didn’t date until he was out of high school, being lazy and not wanting to earn money does not earn you points in my book and when he refused to do chores to earn money but wanted money to date only validated my thoughts that he wasn’t ready either. The other two dated at 17, once a week-end and we had to know with whom and where they were going. They’re still kids, sometimes we fool ourselves that these kids are adults when really they’re not.

By Fulton County Mom

June 28, 2007 4:06 PM | Link to this

With my two when they play/played dolly/housekeeping…they would say Mom this is my Baby….I would ask, did you graduate from college? Did their Dad? Are you married to him? Where do you live? They now say Mom this is my baby, I am a doctor, I live in a nice house, I am married to a computer person…..I NEVER told them the career they should have, or husband should have….I did tell them expectation I have that college will be a priority before their own families.

I may still end up with statistical children…(I pray not)….but at least these early attemps are setting a standard that I hope they chose to reach for.

By DreamGirl

June 29, 2007 9:03 AM | Link to this

I have a freshman next school year so we will have to face this soon I’m afraid. I think the grade they are in should help determine what curfew is, so 9th grade is 9 o’clock except for a very special day. I will not let her date someone more than 1 year ahead of her. MOT”s comments are very good.

By DB

June 29, 2007 11:33 AM | Link to this

My 18yo son hasn’t really been interested in dating — he has had a group of friends, boys and girls, for the last three years, that have hung out together. Nice kids, one and all, and all of us parents are clued into their plans from week to week. Even for the prom, they decided among themselves who would take who, and the one extra girl decided that she’d rather go with the group than with a guy outside of the group, because they were more fun … and it turned into a fun group party, instead of a lovey-dovey false-romantic-epitome-of-your-high-school-life prom. When I mentioned once to my son that he didn’t seem interested in dating one-on-one, he shrugged and said, “To most girls, going out on a date is practically an engagement — it’s not worth the hassle, especially in high school. There’s safety in numbers!” I’m not too worried about him!

But then there is the 16yo daughter … omigod. Good lord, the girl has had more bad poetry and songs written to her by love-lorn teenagers in her short life …! We been beating the boys off since she was 12. She could go out in groups until she turned 16 — and I would always go along with her, to make SURE that it was a group of more than 1 :-) (I saw a lot of really bad movies over the last couple of years!) She has been seeing a young man, slightly older (by 2 years) in the last few months who has so far been playing by my rules. I’ve known him for years, so I’m pretty comfortable with him, and he’s respected my rules in that she is younger than he is and does not have the same privileges re: curfews, etc. (That, and I told him that what happened to Genarlow Wilson would look TAME if I had any reason to worry …!) There have been boys that I flat-out refused to allow her to go out with, because either I didn’t know them or, worse, because I DID. So I guess you could say that I take it on a case-by-case basis. Curfews are somewhat flexible, depending on who-what-where-when, but she knows that if she misses an agreed-upon curfew, she’s sitting out the next two weeks.

By Amy

June 29, 2007 12:22 PM | Link to this

Thank you one and all, this blog has been the best information and least slamming one in a long time. Haven’t started the dating thing yet (son 13) but am eager for information. Thanks again.