MOMania

By DB

May 22, 2007 8:50 AM | Link to this

What is “spoiled”? There are so many definitions and attitudes toward childrearing that what I might consider “spoiled” would be another parents idea of “free, creative and independent”. Is it spoiled for a baby to want its mother? We all crave human interaction, and have to figure out our own comfort zones in how we allow others — including infants — to encroach in our own personal territory.

By Ms. Jones

May 22, 2007 9:03 AM | Link to this

Right after my daughter was born, the in-laws came for a brief visit. Everyone was passing her around, cooing, etc. Finally, after about 30 minutes, I went to get her, and my (now ex) mother-in-law grabbed her out of my hands, and told me to my face that I was jealous because everyone else was holding my baby, and if I held her anymore she would get spoiled, and I needed to back off. EXCUSE ME?????? She was 5 days old. I took MY child out of her arms, and took her upstairs, where we stayed for the remainder of the afternoon.

By Jennifer

May 22, 2007 9:22 AM | Link to this

I don’t consider holding a child or showing them affection spoiling them. Of course that’s what the old folks will tell you but they don’t know everything. The same ones will tell you that you are gross for nursing babies so you have to take their advice with a grain of salt.

By dixie

May 22, 2007 9:30 AM | Link to this

I don’t think you are really talking about “spoiling” a baby in the same way we think of a “spoiled child”…like a spoiled brat. Certainly if a 4 month old puppy can learn that when it whines by the back door it gets let out, then a 4 month old baby can learn that when it cries it gets comforted…but those are good things! Hold that baby all you want, and all she wants…you know from experience these months go quickly. And you’ll know when its time to say no…your instincts will tell you. Just like they did the first two times!

By Jen

May 22, 2007 9:37 AM | Link to this

Yeah, I agree with the sentiment so far….when it comes to showing love and affection I don’t think you can possibly spoil a person. With my son, who is almost 6, we always held him or cuddled him when he wanted to this day. Now, he’s quite an affectionate child. I think it also helps children to connect emotionally with other people and gives them a sense of emotional security. No matter what happens they know that mom and dad love them.

By Happy in Conyers

May 22, 2007 9:37 AM | Link to this

Birth!!!

By Katie

May 22, 2007 9:41 AM | Link to this

Babies. We should not allow our children to become spoiled, self entitled brats who only think of themselves. This starts with parenting at the moment children are born. I’m not saying that parents shouldn’t show love and effection for their children and give them the things they didn’t have but we should try not to raise children so that they cry and throw fits when they don’t get their way. They need to learn at a very young age that life has disappointments and they won’t always get what they want.

By Michelle

May 22, 2007 9:46 AM | Link to this

Most Grandparents considering “spoiling” a baby part of their responsibility. It doesn’t even mean anything bad, I don’t think.

By Linds

May 22, 2007 10:34 AM | Link to this

“spoiled” = “gone bad” (think spoiled milk). Holding your child, giving the love and attention they need to grow and become independent people, will not spoil them. Babies are incapable of being bad - and crying is the only form of communication they possess. Once a child is old enough to do something for the reaction (testing boundaries, pushing limits, etc.), they are old enough to be spoiled. It varies for different children, but I’d guess it’s usually a little before the first birthday for most children.

By Peachy

May 22, 2007 10:39 AM | Link to this

I got the “arm-spoiling” lecture a few times after my now 2yo daughter was born. I didn’t care; the worst advice is the unsolicited kind, and I wanted to make my own mistakes (besides, it was mostly from my MIL who i don’t always agree with). I think 2yo is about the age you can start to spoil a child. Mine is learning a hard lesson these days about being patient and not always getting what she wants. We’re polishing up our “Please and Thank-yous” and figuring out that we cannot have PBJ, pizza, or mac-n-cheese every night for dinner. Generally she’s a good kid, but she’s in that “NO” and “THAT’S MINE” phase…I lvoe her to pieces but I’m soooo glad we decided to wait a little longer to have another one!!! :o)

By oldermom

May 22, 2007 10:48 AM | Link to this

I have three kids. One is an adult now. The other two are teenagers. It was my experience that each of my children had different needs about being held. My daughter wanted to be held ALL the time. She didn’t even want to be put down to sleep. I think I held her almost continuously for an entire year.

One of my sons struggled to be put down after being held just a few minutes and never ever wanted to be held to go to sleep, even when he was just a day or two old. He was very active and wiggly. We could tell he wanted to sleep because he cried till we put him down.

I think the key is to try to be attuned to what your baby needs. If you can put them down for a while and they are happy, you probably should try to go with that and put them down. Especially if you have other little kids that need attention. But I would never refuse to pick up a crying or clearly needy baby for fear of spoiling.

I think I could have put my own babies down a little more, but after all these years, I would not go back and do it differently. No harm was done. If anything, I think its better to err on the side of too much holding rather than too little.

I’m pretty sure no one ever grew up to be a criminal or a social outcast because his mother held him too much when he was an infant. (Though the reverse is most certainly very common.)

My kids are older now and I held them as much as they wanted when they wanted. They are very calm, affectionate, and loving people. I know its because they always felt loved and adored.

My thirteen year old daughter (the one who always needed to be held) still tries to sit in my lap sometimes. And when we are sitting on the sofa watching tv, she sits as close to me as she can get without being on top of me. Its when she’s doing this that she sometimes will tell me things that are on her mind or worries she has about school or friends.

If that were the only benefit of holding her for a year when she was a baby, it would be worth it!

By Rod

May 22, 2007 11:11 AM | Link to this

We just had a son (2 months old). My parents went to the Grandparent’s class at Piedmont Hospital (to get up to date on changes). My mom was so excited to tell me that they told her that holding the baby when he cries won’t spoil him for the first year.

Anyway, that’s apparently what Piedmont Hospital is telling the Grandparents.

By Lynette

May 22, 2007 11:30 AM | Link to this

My Mother was very hand off with me for as long as I can remember. I never thought of her as a “safe place to be”. She did better with my kids and was very loving to them.

I guess by the old school definition of spoiled my kids were just that. I will say that my own kids do not need to wonder if I love them. They are not as cuddly as they used to be but the feelings are still there.

By carter

May 22, 2007 11:33 AM | Link to this

We can see from this self centered generation that this is a long term project. we see that a large number of school kids are in one form or another spoiled in a really bad way, they lie cheat and steal, they think they are entitled to whatever they desire,please and thank you are absent from their vocabulary.I’m not sure when it started or how to end it, But even Stevie Wonder can see it’s going to be a major problem.

By Sue

May 22, 2007 11:37 AM | Link to this

I have seen parents who let thier toddlers walk ALL OVER them. I think that as soon as a child is old enough to understand “NO”, then they are old enough to be punished for not behaving. Definitely by the age of 2… I do think that you should hold a child when they are little whenever they want to be held.

By had enough

May 22, 2007 11:49 AM | Link to this

As soon as you have the baby.

By Kenya

May 22, 2007 12:24 PM | Link to this

I am not sure about the ages that come along with “spoiling” a child but, I do think that it depends on both the child and the parent. Some babies need more attention than others.My nephew will be 5 months next week. He is held a lot by family. My only issue is when I watch him alone. I cannot shower, use the restroom, or wash dishes without a plan. It works for his mom and dad but I need a baby swing from time to time! :)

By Filster

May 22, 2007 12:41 PM | Link to this

What do you mean “get?” I thought they were pretty much born that way and we slowly weaned them (well, at least sometimes) out of it.

By Jen

May 22, 2007 12:43 PM | Link to this

Too me spoiling a child means you give them more than they need. For an infant and toddler they need to know they are safe and loved. For an older toddler to teenager they need boundaries and education. At all times they need food and shelter, in moderation. And they need as much love as they can get.

They don’t need a Wii. They don’t need their own cell phone (in my day it was your own phone line in your room) or their own TV. They certainly don’t need their own car at the age of 16 (I prostrated myself at my parents feet when they gave me their rusted jalopy during my junior year in college).

Remember, people have been saying that today’s kids are selfish, entitled, and irresponsible FOREVER. To some extent that’s part of the growing process, but be careful….

By Nichole

May 22, 2007 12:52 PM | Link to this

My baby girl is almost 5 months old and is ALWAYS being held by someone. I don’t know if she is “spoiled,” as we always try to pick her up BEFORE she starts to fuss so as to not correlate crying to “they’ll come get me now!” I don’t think that holding and loving your baby spoils them, if so I’m guilty…now when it comes to her getting older, I don’t THINK SO! I teach high school and I see what happens to kids who ARE spoiled and I don’t think I’ll ever be accused of being one of those parents. Spoiling is only letting them get what they want when they want and it is up to parents to decide when it’s appropriate to let them do so.

By FunGirl

May 22, 2007 12:55 PM | Link to this

Let me preface this with the fact that I don’t have kids. But I have read that the children of deaf parents begin to sign around six months…so they’re clearly recognizing wants and how to get them satisfied. I’d follow your own common sense. If you elbow hurts, you may need to put the baby down. Life will be much worse for both of you if you’re injured!!

As someone who really enjoys children, I find Mother’s who won’t put babies down VERY annoying because it means less time for me to hold them!

By kimadeen

May 22, 2007 1:06 PM | Link to this

My son is now 13…but I have to relay this little ditty from his ‘babyhood’. A family friend was my daycare provider. She actually had me bring my son to visit with her before I went back to work. Her warning to me was, “Now don’t sit at home all day holding that baby…you’ll spoil him like that.” But why was it that EVERY DAY that I went to pick him up, she was holding him! That was funny to me and just something I thought I would relate to the group. Now about the real spoiling…my son IS spoiled. I don’t really know at what age it started…didn’t record that in the baby book…don’t really care. What I do know is that, although he receives an overabundance of love, affection, and material things, he also is respectful, obedient, loving, gallant, and generous. I don’t see a problem with it. You can actually spoil a child and not have that child turn into a brat or into a person with ‘entitlement syndrome.’

By GatorDad

May 22, 2007 1:30 PM | Link to this

kimadeen - If you kid is respectful, obedient, loving, gallant, and generous, then I don’t think he is spoiled. Even if he gets an overabundance of love, affection, and material things.

If he thinks that he is entitled to them and throws a fit when he does not get them, he is spoiled.

By catlady

May 22, 2007 1:35 PM | Link to this

I had always heard that when the baby becomes aware that you are in the room even if they cannot see you, and then fusses, that is the age to put on some brakes and let the child learn something of self-comfort. For my kids, it happened around 3-4 months. That was a signal, if you had not done it already, to move the baby out of your bedroom. Everyone has to find their own comfort zone on this, but I have known quite a few parents who regretted waiting as long as they did before instituting the “teaching” role of discipline.

By Vickie

May 22, 2007 1:53 PM | Link to this

Hmm, I dunno about the theory that too little affection spawns psychopaths. I was brought up with NO love/affection & am a responsible, law-abiding citizen with a full-time job. Yet I see these kids who are surrounded by cushions & cushions of love from EVERYONE around them & they are so obnoxious, disrespectful entitlement-centered

By Linda

May 22, 2007 3:06 PM | Link to this

The magical age for spoiling? That would be when a child truly understands the meaning of “NO”. A child doesn’t just become spoiled, but rather, the parents spoil the child. Plenty of good comes from holding your baby. Spoiling comes from not holding your ground on things they can not have. Those things are mostly material items, but sometimes it may very well be that you can’t hold your crying child because you’re tending to another child, on your way to work, etc. I held my two children every chance I got when they were little since I could never be a stay-at-home mom. Today they’re both great kids and they don’t act as though they are entitled to everything they want. And at 13 and 21 years old, they still love hugs :)

By amee

May 22, 2007 3:19 PM | Link to this

I don’t think offering hugs and cuddles to your infant can spoil them, in fact I think that is a ridiculous assumption. A child can never have too much affection.. but other things in abundance can spoil a child. If you buy a toy every time your child throws a fit.. uh, yeah, that will spoil them.. not sticking to guidelines you have set up will only teach you’re child to be a snot nose brat. Holding your infant when they cry.. offers security.. which is what every child needs. I think they are different things. Affection does not equal material things, its parents who stuff as a means to please that end up with spoiled children. Not the ones that offer hugs and kisses upon hurt knees and accomplishments.

By Heather

May 22, 2007 3:33 PM | Link to this

When I lived up north, I had neighbors who had 2 daughters. The older one, sorry to say, although she was a sweet child, was very homely. The other daughter, 2 years younger, was absolutely gorgeous & spoiled rotten from babyhood. Everyone, including the parents, bowed to her every wish & completely ignored & neglected the older one. When the girls were respectively 5 & 3, the older one got outside & no one even noticed because her sorry excuse for a mom was “poor baby-ing” the younger spoiled brat when she was having one of her daily tantrums. The older one was chasing a ball into the street & was struck & killed by a car. At the funeral, I heard the mother say to her husband “Thank God it wasn’t our precious baby” & the miserable creep agreed! I guess that poor dead child got off lucky; what a horrible life she’d have had. And the last I observed, the remaining girl was as selfish & spoiled as ever!

By Stacey

May 22, 2007 3:42 PM | Link to this

I do believe that infants can be / often are spoiled when they are just a couple of months old. I have a sister who held all of her kids (and now grandkids) all day long, including while they slept. If you attempted to put them down, they would cry until they were picked back up. Even when they were 2-3 years old, she would carry them around on her hip because they “refused” to walk, ride in a stroller or ride in the shopping cart.

By JJ

May 22, 2007 3:44 PM | Link to this

Heather How sad……

My sister in law is like that with her two daughters. The older one, I believe she actually resents her, but the younger one is her “Baby”. She will not allow the older one to wear her jewelry, but if the little one asks, she gives it to her, then tells her how pretty she looks, right in front of the older girl. My daughter pointed this out to me.

She constantly tells the older girl how fat she is. They eat out at restaurants every single night, and when it comes to ordering, whatever the older one orders, her mother gets this evil look on her face and tells her if she wants to order and eat that certain item, she will have to do 2 to 3 miles on the treadmill. Yet the younger daughter eats nothing but french fries and cokes…..but not a word to her…… Absolutely breaks my heart. These girls are my nieces. No wonder the older one wants to come live with us.

By Heather

May 22, 2007 3:53 PM | Link to this

JJ, your elder niece is so lucky to have you! That child who’d gotten killed had no one who cared about her. Maybe you should show my post to your sister-in-law? Sometimes a person just needs a “wake-up call”

By laro

May 22, 2007 3:57 PM | Link to this

Food gets spoiled…babies/children should get trained properly. If you don’t have a clue on saying yes or no, buy and dollbaby and practice first for a year or ten. Negative or too little attention and affection is poor for growth and will even cause adults to react and adjust poorly with others. So I say poor on the AFFECTION. Expressing outward signs of affection is a voluntary conscious reaction but part of our mental being. Practically speaking there seems to be a competition for aunts, girlfriends, etc to “kidnap” the child openly and drown them with attention and don’t dare try and interrupt!

By laro

May 22, 2007 3:58 PM | Link to this

Food gets spoiled…babies/children should get trained properly. If you don’t have a clue on saying yes or no, buy and dollbaby and practice first for a year or ten. Negative or too little attention and affection is poor for growth and will even cause adults to react and adjust poorly with others. So I say pour on the AFFECTION. Expressing outward signs of affection is a voluntary conscious reaction but part of our mental being. Practically speaking there seems to be a competition for aunts, girlfriends, etc to “kidnap” the child openly and drown them with attention and don’t dare try and interrupt!

By Vickie

May 22, 2007 4:10 PM | Link to this

Iaro, that’s a generalization. If you read back to my earlier post, I never had any love or affection & I’m a self-sufficient working person who’s never been in any kind of trouble. So, you just can’t tell sometimes.

By Fulton County Mom

May 22, 2007 5:07 PM | Link to this

Theresa, you did ask….remember that as many posters said this a subjective and not objective answer…and it is only my opinion. PUT THE BABY DOWN. She is absolutely adorable. However, you get a hip munster if you keep it up….that is a child who thinks Moms hip is the only place to ride….My youngest is well past her baby years and stil think she should be on my hip.

I too spouted the “you cannot spoil a baby”. However, I have come to realize that babies need ‘down’ time…meaning down off Mom. Plus if you let her interact with lots of people without being held by you, she will learn to socialize her environment.

Giving any child time, love, and the tools needed to succeed NEVER spoils a child. That includes letting that baby meet people around her on her terms (be it in a bounce chair, high chair, 2 feet, floor or crawl).

OK that is my opinion you can do with it as you wish.

By Kristyn

May 22, 2007 7:46 PM | Link to this

My understanding is that our children develop trust in the first 12 months of life and it is important to respond to them as needed during this time….

By DYJ

May 23, 2007 9:13 AM | Link to this

I heard that same lame advice about holding my child “too much.” So ridiculous!! I held my baby as often as I wanted to. At 10 months old, she’s not “spoiled.” In fact, she’s very independent. She actively crawls and has just started walking. She enjoys playing with her toys and looking at books. Sometimes she crawls over to me, pulls herself up and raises her arms towards me signaling she wants to be picked up. I pick her up, hug her and tell her she’s a good baby then, she usually wants back down to crawl some more or play with her toys. That doesn’t sound like being “spoiled” to me.

By nurse&mother

May 23, 2007 9:41 AM | Link to this

I don’t think that you can spoil a baby. I agree with Linds and Linda (same poster?). I think that the age of reasoning starts when a baby understands the meaning of no.

I held both of my children a lot. I used a sling with my 16 month old until he realized that he had rather crawl around and explore (around 8 months). Babies will all too quickly grow up and no longer need that security. I think that, contradictory as it sounds, babies grow up more secure in a loving and nurturing environment. (certainly not saying that those parents that do not put their babies in slings or hold them for prolonged periods of time are not loving or nurturing)

If you look at pictures of mothers with their babies (and toddlers) from some other countries, you will see many of them in slings. I think that babies need to know that they are loved and cared for and that their mother is close by. Does anyone remember from psychology the research done where the baby monkey was separated from his mother. He was given a wire “mother” that delivered food and another “mother” that was covered in soft material. The baby monkey stayed with the soft mother even though it did not have food. This just proves that animals and humans need touch.

I too think that spoiling a child refers to a child wanting his way. I don’t think to applies to basic needs. That said, when my son was a few months old, he had crying spells in the evening. My husband and I would make sure that needs were met, but after about 12-15 minutes we had to put him down and let him cry for about 10 minutes alone.

When our son (now 16 months) was around 13 or 14 months old, we decided that he was old enough to sleep in his crib throughout the night. Before that he would sleep in his crib until around 2am. He had a few nights that he cried out a few times for about 3 minutes. He is usually pretty good now. He has an occasional night that I have to go in and pick him up and get him back to sleep in his crib. If he cries more than 3-4 minutes, I intervene.

By laro

May 23, 2007 12:37 PM | Link to this

Vickie, thank God you are such a beautiful person despite your parents/guardian hands off aproach to childrearing. But you sound like a psychopath. If you really look at the last portion of your comments you are expressing extreem resentment and hate towards kids. Question…do you follow babies/kids around through the years after seeing them recieve cushions and cushions of love and later make a tally/notes of them being obnoxious/disrespectfull/entitlement-centered? You are making a gross generalizaion yourself which could be a subconsious monster of resentment stemming back to your craddle not being rocked. I hope you don’t get anything more than a cabbagepath baby…better yet… get Chucky…screech, screech, screech, screech!

By Casey

May 23, 2007 12:50 PM | Link to this

laro - talk about a psychopath!! Look at the mirror honey!

By kimadeen

May 23, 2007 1:11 PM | Link to this

To GatorDad — Don’t worry, my son never throws a fit about anything. He tried that as a toddler. I told my grandmother about the episode and her advice to me was, “When he falls out in the floor pitching a fit, pick him up with switch.” I only had to do it once. Besides all of his other qualities, he’s also quite intelligent!

By DB

May 24, 2007 10:33 AM | Link to this

It’s so hard, with babies, to know what exactly what their needs are. Kids, like adults, have differing emotional needs, beyond the basics — I had one that was screechy and restless for months, and another one who was from the start the mellowest baby in the world. Their physical needs were easily met, but emotionally, they each responded differently. If a little baby is crying because they are lonely, bored or just out of sorts, I hate to leave them crying, because they don’t have any other means to sort themselves out. But as they are increasingly able to think and act for themselves, then they begin to take more responsbility for their actions, in age-appropriate ways.

By Jess

May 25, 2007 9:16 AM | Link to this

I can’t believe that someone had an issue with T holding a baby in church! Where was she going to put the baby on the alter?? Of course she is going to hold her.

By Ms. Gale

June 1, 2007 3:26 PM | Link to this

Yes you can spoil a baby at any age. It starts off and becomes worse when their smaller because they get used to being held all the time and constantly want it. after awhile when you don’t do it they holla constantly. Trust me don’t do it. YOU”LL NEVER HAVE A SITTER DONT START IT.