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April 2007
Coach rules for raising children
How do you reinforce values in children?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Parents often look to child psychologists and pediatricians for child rearing advice. I recently discovered a new parenting guru who’s not a doctor, but a 96-year old retiree known for his work coaching 7-footers, not toddlers.
I had never heard of John Wooden until I stumbled upon a documentary called “The UCLA Dynasty.” As I learned more about his incredible success during the 1960s and 70s, I was amazed by Wooden’s simple but profound teaching techniques, and I became certain that the philosophy would work well for parents.
As the counter-culture engulfed the nation, this down-to-earth Midwesterner managed to calmly and decisively lead a disparate group of young men to seven consecutive NCAA basketball championships, a total of 10 in 12 years. No other college coach has matched his record.
How did he achieve this? Well, he had great players. But he also led those players with a quiet discipline that bred consistent success, almost perfection.
Wooden was firm with his players, but he also respected them. He never swore, but they knew he was disappointed when he would say, “Goodness gracious, sakes alive!”
He cared about details, even teaching the players how to put on socks and tie their shoes properly. Players had to arrive at practice on time, clean-shaven and with their hair cut no longer than 2 inches — very different than the style at the time. If you didn’t meet his standards, you wouldn’t play, and he didn’t care if that hurt the team.
At the time, the players thought he was a perfectionist who didn’t understand the changing times. But as they got older, they realized Wooden’s lessons had prepared them as much for success in life as it had on the court.
Wooden, who always called himself a teacher, created and refined a system that he called the Pyramid of Success. It had 15 blocks of advice that would lead his players — and I think children — to success. Check it out at www.coachjohnwooden.com
It is often hard for parents to express their values in ways children can comprehend. Wooden reinforced his teachings by writing down short maxims that he would slip players before games. I am going to start slipping such notes to my children. Some might find his advice hokey and outdated, but I think it’s timeless.
A few of his pyramid points:
— “Poise: Be yourself. Don’t be thrown by events whether good or bad.
— Self-control: Control of your organization begins with control of yourself. Be disciplined.
— Initiative: Make a decision! Failure to act is often the biggest failure of all.
— Intentness: Stay the course. When thwarted try again; harder; smarter. Persevere relentlessly.
— Industriousness: Success travels in the company of very hard work. There is no trick, no easy way.”
I think these are all qualities we want our children to have. In the face of immense peer pressure, we want our children to know who they are and not to waiver. We want them to work hard and persevere. We want them to have confidence, loyalty and friendship, all blocks of Wooden’s pyramid.
Wooden never talked about winning or losing. He would tell his players if they practiced hard and did their best each day, they would be happy with the results. Can we ask any more than that from our children?
While I think the John Wooden approach is a great way to teach children to be self-reliant, happy with themselves and good citizens, I also think it is not a quick fix. I think it takes tremendous discipline, consistency and setting an example for children to internalize these principles.
Since seeing the documentary, my husband has been trying to be a John Wooden Dad. One night after my husband put the children to bed, we kept hearing them run back and forth to each other’s rooms. He calmly went upstairs several times and explained to them that their behavior was unacceptable, and it was time to go to bed. He closed their doors and came back downstairs. Two hours later when they were still fooling around, he went upstairs and became a Bobby Knight Dad.
Like I said, I think the John Wooden approach may take some time.
Is your house neighbor-kid friendly?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A good friend of mine lives in THAT house. It’s the house where all of the kids congregate, and just about every neighborhood has one. As far as moms go, she’s fun, welcoming and really seems to enjoy the chaos of a house buzzing with kids. That partly explains why her children’s friends are drawn like magnets - that and her cupboards are always well-stocked with juice, yoghurt, and just about any other kid-friendly snack.
Even if yours is not THAT house, many parents know their kids’ friends might pop over on any given afternoon. I love hosting my children’s friends. My kids are happy for the company, and their friends know me well-enough to respect me and the house rules.
Occasionally, neighborhood acquaintances will stop by to play. They only know my kids from the bus, and neither they nor their parents know me. As long as they play nicely, I have no problem with them coming over to my house - but I can’t help but wonder if their parents know where they are. I always make them call home so their parents know where to find them, and I make sure they call again to say they’re heading home.
But there have been a couple of instances where the acquaintances weren’t getting along with my children or were disrespectful toward me. Those were also the same children who didn’t want to leave my house, even when it was past time for them to be home for dinner.
My friend in THAT house gets this fairly often. Sometimes neighborhood girls older than her own will stop by and want to hang out - for hours. So, how do you draw a line between providing a safe place for the neighborhood kids to play and getting taken advantage of?
Permalink | Comments (48) | Categories: Running the household
Children’s health a weighty issue
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A scan through news articles this week makes it clear that the health of our nation’s children is weighing heavily on many people’s minds. More accurately, it’s the kids’ weight and the associated risks that are weighing heavily.
Overweight children have become so commonplace that even medical staffs have begun to view them as “normal” or “healthy”, according to this article (registration required). The unfortunate result is that desensitized doctors are missing early signs of heart disease and enlarged hearts in at-risk children whose weight no longer appears alarming. Many of these cases might be caught earlier if pediatricians calculated children’s body mass indexes more regularly and then spoke more candidly with parents about managing kids’ weight.
To add insult to injury, researchers at Harvard Medical School announced yesterday that breastfeeding may not prevent infants from becoming overweight as adults, despite earlier advice to the contrary. Health officials previously said breastfeeding could prevent up to 20 percent of obesity cases. While there are many other valid reasons to breastfeed, it would have been nice to think that those 10 months I spent with baby at my breast could one day protect my children from obesity and its many related diseases.
So what are parents to do? What common sense already tells us - give them plenty of opportunities to be active and offer them chances to eat more wisely. Some schools are finding that kids tend to accept what they’re offered in cafeterias, even when the offerings are healthier foods. A Connecticut study showed that 80 percent of kids not only chose but actually ate the healthy food when asked if they would like it on their tray. Without any prompts, only 60 percent of the kids chose the healthy alternative on their own.
Does your pediatrician calculate body mass index? What would you do if your healthy-looking child showed signs of early heart disease? How do you get your kids to make wise choices at the dinner table?
Permalink | Comments (63) | Categories: Health
Shorter summers put a crimp in families’ break
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Now that yearly testing in Georgia schools is winding down, most students and many parents are dreaming of summer holiday. Everyone, it seems, is ready for a break. The question is…will it be long enough?
As I read an article last week on the trend of shorter summers nationwide, I couldn’t help but remember my own school days and summer breaks. When asked what our favorite things about school were, my friends and I would reply: June, July and August. Several teachers in my youth had plaques that listed those months as the three best reasons for teaching school. Summer had an almost mystical quality to it. Anything was possible in June, July and August.
But a three-month summer break is almost unthinkable these days, when many U.S. children either stay in school throughout much of June or turn in their beach towels for backpacks in early August.
Some would argue that the shorter summer calendar is necessary if we ever hope to increase our academic performance. Others say smaller breaks make it easier for students to retain information from term to term.
Those may be valid points, but many parents would still rather see that extra month returned to the summer schedule if only to give back to families what they seem to be lacking the most - time. Working parents often find it difficult to schedule time off for family vacations in “short summers” because everyone is asking off for the same few weeks. That narrow window gets even narrower when you factor in other activities, from kids’ camps to pre-season athletic training programs.
Some parents argue that a two-month break leaves too little time for families to really break away and bond together. Others simply say school systems that push for ever-shorter summers simply make it easier for the families to rationalize skipping school for family trips. Georgia legislators actually introduced a bill earlier this year that would have given school systems the right to lower the number of required school days from 180 to 170 if they so chose.
So what do you think? Are Georgia’s summer holidays too short? Would you trade time with family for better academic performance?
Permalink | Comments (112) | Categories: Family Life
Sex offender on block a real estate deal breaker?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
After almost 10 months of searching, we thought we finally found the perfect house. It had a basement and a playroom, a nice backyard and the owners had done a great job decorating and caring for the home. The only problems were our cat allergies and some outdated carpeting in the basement. After figuring out how we could de-cat the house and deciding to worry about the carpet later, we made an offer. The owners stuck to their guns on price, and rejected our first two offers. We were taking the weekend off from negotiating, but we felt certain we would reach a deal on Monday.
I had been meaning to check Gwinnett County’s sex offender database, but hadn’t done so yet. It’s a well established, very nice neighborhood. In my mind checking the list was merely a formality.
I finally looked that weekend. Not only did I find a sex offender in the neighborhood, I found one a few houses down from our dream house.
The man’s offense was listed as indecent exposure.
My husband’s knee-jerk reaction was, “Boy, that should bring the price down.”
A registered sex offender on the block is one heck of a negotiating tool, but is it really worth the risk?
My husband didn’t think we should stop pursuing the house. I felt like we should, but I was willing to investigate to get details on the crime.
If the registry had said child molestation, rape or sexual assault, it wouldn’t have even been a question. But what exactly does indecent exposure mean?
“Maybe it was just a guy who got arrested for peeing outside,” suggested my Dad.
My girlfriends thought we would be stupid to move into a house with a known sex offender on the block no matter what the charge. One asked, “What would you tell the children ‘Don’t talk to our neighbor. He’s done bad things.’” Would we explain to the kids what a sex crime is?
The next day, I called the Gwinnett County sheriff’s office and spoke with the officer in charge of the sex offender registry. She had more information about the case and knew the man personally. She checks in with all the sex offenders from the county quarterly and they have to re-register each year on their birthdays. She suggested I call the agency in the town where the crime was committed.
I called that county’s sex offender department. This officer told me my would-be neighbor was sentenced to several years in prison for the crime (She couldn’t tell from the files if he served the full amount of his sentence). She said she couldn’t release all the information to me, but she suggested I contact two other counties about possible earlier incidents involving the same man.
By that point my mind was made up. One conviction and two other possible incidents mean I don’t buy that house. My husband agreed.
Did we make the right decision, or did we overreact?
Any neighbor, any time could be a sex offender just not one that’s been caught.
Three of the officers I spoke with made the point that at least this way you knew who to watch out for. I’m not sure that makes me feel any better.
As upsetting as it is looking at the photos of all te sex offenders and reading about their crimes, the registry is a helpful tool. I have already mapped the other offenders in the area we are considering moving to, so we won’t get caught by surprise again.
Some sites that will help you find a registered sexual offender. If you’re not Web savvy, you can also call the sheriff’s office for information about offenders. I talked with four different counties’ sexual offender departments, and they were all extremely helpful.
http://www.georgia-sex-offenders.com/index.php — This was the most easy to use. It maps where the offenders live and by clicking on the little balloon you can see their photo, name and crime. However, five from the Gwinnett County list appeared to be missing from the area I was searching, so it may not be updated as often. You can also sign up for e-mail alerts to notify you if an offender moves to your area.
http://services.georgia.gov/gbi/gbisor/disclaim.html - The Georgia Bureau of Investigation site offers descriptions of the crimes that require offenders to register. It helps explain what the official terms mean. It’s frequently asked questions section was also useful.
http://services.georgia.gov/gbi/gbisor/SORSearch.jsp - This link lets you search the GBI. You can search just by city if you don’t have a specific name.
http://www.gwinnettcountysheriff.com/predat1.htm - The Gwinnett County Sheriff’s database of sexual offenders in the county.
Have you said worse than Alec?
What words do you use when expressing anger or disappointment to your child?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Alec Baldwin is being criticized for an angry voicemail he left for his daughter.
The Associated Press reports: On the recording, Baldwin can be heard berating his 11-year-old, Ireland, “You are a rude, thoughtless little pig.
“You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being,” he says, apparently upset that she did not answer her phone for a planned call.
“I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 years old, or 11 years old, or that you’re a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn’t care about what you do as far as I’m concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone.”
We all know parents get angry with their kids, and parents aren’t perfect. Have you ever yelled at your child in anger something you would be embarrassed for other people to hear?
What’s OK to say to children and what is not? Do you think Baldwin crossed the line?
Setting the rules for senior prom
What are the prom-night rules for your teens?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It’s all-request Thursday, and this blog goes out to commenter, PWS, who asked yesterday that I write about prom season. So here goes…
One look at today’s prom-goers and even the hippest parent might be shocked. Today’s teens appear to have high expectations for prom night. They spend incredible amounts of money on the event, have their hair and make-up professionally done, and often dress like celebrities years older than them.
It wasn’t that long ago that I went to my senior prom. My date picked me up in a limo. We ate dinner in a posh restaurant, and headed to the dance in a nice hotel ballroom. We had our photo taken, never actually danced, and went to my friend’s house where her parents cooked an after-prom “breakfast” for everyone. We didn’t drink any alcohol the entire evening, but we all did try escargot. Of course, some of my classmates sneaked-in with alcohol, and some retreated to a hotel room for the night with their dates.
But whether it was riding in the limo, eating an expensive dinner or sneaking a drink, the whole event reeked of kids playing the part of grown-ups for the evening. It was obvious none of us really knew how adults behave in these situations.
Today’s teens, however, seem to have that act down. They appear comfortable in the adult role, and that’s what is so disconcerting to me as a mom. Blame it on pop culture, overindulgent parents or whatever, the result is many kids act like they have reached adulthood years before their bodies and minds are fully up to the task.
So, how do you get a teen who has felt “grown-up” for years to abide by rules meant to keep the adult activities out of prom night? What are your most important rules? Do you allow them to stay out all night? Do you limit the amount of money they can spend?
Permalink | Comments (41) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Are parents rewarding their children too much?
Do you use rewards to get kids to behave?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Earlier this year, my oldest daughter got braces on her teeth, and let’s just say she did not go quietly into that good orthodontist’s chair. Fear and loathing in Alpharetta pretty much describes the days leading up to her first appointment.
So when she finally walked out with shiny teeth, a sore mouth and a broken spirit, I told her I was proud of her and took her to Ben & Jerry’s for an ice cream reward. Two weeks later, we returned to the scene of the crime. The orthodontist spent about 45 seconds checking her teeth before sending her on her merry way. Before I could start the car, she was placing her ice cream order.
She was shocked when I told her that she wasn’t going to get a reward every time we get her teeth checked.
Apparently, she’s not alone. According to some parenting experts, kids are the beneficiaries of a lucrative system of parental rewards and bribes. And it’s not all ice cream cones, lollipops and gold stars. Some parents are offering their children outlandish prizes to just sit down and behave in a restaurant - or sleep in their own beds — or score a goal in the next soccer game.
While the experts agree that occasional awards are okay, the danger lies in the system’s overuse. Kids quickly gain a sense of entitlement, where they come to expect a big reward for every good thing that they do, no matter how small.
To keep things in check, experts say parents should reduce the number of rewards they offer, make sure rewards match the behavior and explain the real benefits of behaving for the sake of behaving.
Have you used bribery or a reward system with your kids? Was it successful? Do your kids expect more because of that system?
Permalink | Comments (65) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Can you maintain family balance and go back to school?
Will you go back to school or change careers as your kids grow more independent?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
As the mother of three children under 10 years old, it is sometimes difficult to imagine what my life was like before they arrived on the scene. For years, my job has been caring for and raising the kids. So every time my three-year-old reaches a milestone, I run the emotional gamut from sadness to elation.
With each step she takes toward independence, we move away from those sweet (and not-so-sweet) stages when our babies relied completely upon us. Bittersweet as that is, her move out of diapers and the Terrible Twos also lets our family do many things that were unthinkable even a year ago.
Perhaps the most exciting thing to me personally is the opportunity that lies ahead when my youngest goes off to Kindergarten. I’m not rushing the kids out the door by any means, but my children’s growing independence gives me a little more freedom as well.
A few of our regular commenters have written that they went back to school when their children grew older. I have always said I would return to graduate school. The everyday madness of our household, however, keeps me from doing little more than occasionally touching base with former professors or wondering how to juggle yet another ball without something falling by the wayside.
I know it can be done. For years, mothers have figured out ways to enjoy their careers and their children, start their own businesses, or go back to school. Maybe the university will offer a crash course in advanced juggling.
Have you gone back to school after having children? Have you changed careers, started your own business or otherwise altered the established family balance? How did everyone adjust to your new role and extra demands? Any advice or words of warning to those parents thinking of making such a move?
Permalink | Comments (21) | Categories: Family Life
Some embarrassing truths about motherhood
What things did you forget about early motherhood between your babies?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When you’re pregnant, you daydream about all the wonderful things about having a baby - holding that warm little bundle against your chest, seeing her eventually smile at you because she knows you’re her momma and hearing her little funny noises as she sleeps next to you. But, much like the pain of childbirth, you tend to forget the unpleasant parts of having a new baby - some of them downright embarrassing.
Here’s a sampling of some of parts of early motherhood that I forgot: You look like crap My girlfriend was taking pictures of the baby the other day and said, “I would include you in the photos but you look terrible.” I’m afraid this is a daily occurrence. I’m not willing to trade sleep for a shower early in the morning so I put my hair up in a clip and of course there’s no make-up. Plus, I’m wearing the same stretchy jeans every day (see item number 4 for an explanation).
You smell like old milk My 3-year-old keeps telling me I smell like the baby. At first I thought this was a compliment. Now, I think he is trying to tell me I smell like old milk. Our new baby tends to spit-up after nursing. I keep getting whiffs of it and after investigating further; I think my hands, the leather recliner downstairs and the glider upstairs all have a faint smell of milk. My husband says our whole downstairs smells like old cheese. (I wouldn’t go that far.)
Your belly button is gigantic When I lie down in the tub I am amazed by the deep cavity that is now my belly button. I swear I could provide an entire sub-Saharan African nation with clean water for a month with the tub water that gets marooned in there.
It’s the hips, not the weight I dropped 22 pounds in the first two weeks. I only have nine pounds left to lose after four weeks, and I still can’t get my old jeans up over my hips. Ladies, it has nothing to do with your weight, it has to do with your hips opening up to give birth. They will go back to normal eventually. Until then keep wearing your maternity pants. I’m not talking about the ones with the panels. The new maternity jeans, like my favorite pair from the GAP, just have this stretchy waist band that works great in early pregnancy, during the last months and even post-partum. These are the jeans I am wearing every single day (unless they get spit up on).
You get calluses on your nipples This is not something new soon-to-be mothers want to hear (or their husbands for that matter) but you get calluses on your nipples from the baby nursing. The baby’s little mouth rubs your nipples on the same places about 12 times a day so there are bound to be calluses, but nobody tells you that and it’s certainly not sexy. I guess they do go away when you stop nursing because I didn’t remember them, but they’re back for now.
You still pee when you sneeze It’s me, the old ladies and the toddlers all wetting their pants. Women think it will get better after they deliver the baby, but I’m one-month out here and still peeing on myself whenever I sneeze! My 5-year-old told me that was ridiculous because “Grown people don’t pee in their pants.” Little does she know how cyclical life is.
Closed-caption is your friend When you’re up late nursing and your husband is sleeping or when you just want the baby to fall asleep, closed-caption is a great companion. I can keep watching TV while I’m rocking or feeding her but it doesn’t disturb her or other family members.
You can pee/poop while wearing the Baby Bjorn This is important to know and you forget how to accomplish it, but you can use the restroom while holding the baby in a baby carrier. I’m not saying this is fun but it is possible and at some point will be necessary. While you can pee wearing the Baby Bjorn, you shouldn’t eat cake. Twice this week, my poor little baby got chocolate crumbs on her head and back as I went to town on some chocolate cake.
You dream about NOT getting pregnant Even if you want more kids, there’s nothing more scary than the thought of being pregnant again with a several-month old baby. Don’t believe the hype, ladies. Nursing will not keep you from getting pregnant. I dream almost every night about not getting pregnant again.
Babies can bring you closer to your husband I appreciate so much all the help my husband gives that it actually makes me feel amorous toward him. (This explains why I keep dreaming about not getting pregnant.)
Letting go of college-bound kids
How do you cope with the end of your parenting era and the beginning of your child's adult life?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Many parents of high school seniors may be just as anxious as their kids as college acceptances roll-in over the next few weeks. For the kids, those packets mark the exciting beginning of their adult lives. For parents, it’s the bittersweet ending to an 18-year journey they couldn’t possibly imagine when they first held their newborns in the hospital.
I am grateful that I still have many years before my children cross that bridge, but I can’t help but wonder how I will handle the transition when it finally arrives. I remember very well the process my entire family undertook when I was looking at colleges years ago.
Unlike my older brother, who entered Georgia Tech when he was 16 years old, I had absolutely no idea where I wanted to spend the next four years of my life. I was pretty sure I wanted to study politics, and I was pretty certain I wasn’t going to do that at Tech (no offense GT). My Tech-mad family of architects, engineers and computer scientists made their thoughts on UGA crystal clear. My father actually said he would pay to send me anywhere, as long as it wasn’t the University of Georgia.
So I attended a liberal arts college up north with a bucolic campus and about 2000 students. I made some good friends, enjoyed my classes, but for the most part, hated every minute there. It just wasn’t right for me. I finally convinced my parents that I wanted to transfer to UGA. They now grudgingly admit I was much happier in Athens and that my UGA education wasn’t so bad after all.
In the end, my parents had to let go of their preconceived notions of UGA. More importantly, they had to let go of me. At the time, I couldn’t understand why that was so difficult for them to do. Now, as a parent, I can’t imagine how they ever mustered the courage.
How do you let go of your college-bound kids? Do you have a say in their college choices? Is there any relief that you’ve successfully raised your children, or do those same parental concerns linger?
Permalink | Comments (70) | Categories: Family Life
Should financial independence trump all family concerns?
Are stay-at-home moms making a mistake?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A new book by journalist Leslie Bennetts appears to be fueling the “mommy wars” fire between working moms and stay-at-home moms. I’ll be honest. I haven’t had a chance to read The Feminist Mistake, so I can’t comment on the book itself. But the author lays out her premise and reasons for writing it here and here .
Maintaining financial independence seems to be the driving force behind The Feminist Mistake. The book is particularly touching the nerve of stay-at-home moms who have opted out of work to raise their children. Bennetts argues SAHMs don’t weigh the risks of becoming financially dependent on men before they drop out of the workforce, and that many will face hardships as a result of their decision. Most stay-at-home wives, she says, run the risk of divorce, widowhood, their spouse’s unemployment, illness or disability.
Those are certainly risks everyone runs - working or not. And I would argue that all choices in life involve some risk. The decision to have children in the first place is rife with risk. The best we can do is to make educated decisions and cover our bases in the event the unthinkable occurs.
Financial independence is a huge security blanket, but it’s only a part of people’s complex lives. Bennetts’ arguments suggest financial independence should be the only thing that matters. If that were the case, I don’t think so many parents would be constantly questioning their decisions — whether it’s to work or stay home with the kids.
Have your say. What is your take on Bennetts’ opinion? Do you think it is wise to stay-at-home with your kids if you can? Should financial independence trump all other concerns in your family life? Do you work for the independence? Do you — working or stay-at-home — plan for those worst-case scenarios?
Permalink | Comments (59) | Categories: Running the household
Raising children in a rootless society
With families spread all over the map, how do you create a sense of belonging in your children?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Every holiday, I am reminded of just how different my kids’ childhood is from my own. It has nothing to do with today’s technological gizmos or the changing geopolitical landscape. The most acute differences for me hit closer to home.
Unlike their mother, my children must travel long distances to visit grandparents or other relatives. We have celebrated many an Easter, Thanksgiving and even a couple of Christmases on our own. While there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just not how I grew up.
As a child, I lived within minutes of both sets of grandparents, as well as a network of aunts, uncles and cousins. To top it off, my grandparents were friends with each other long before my parents went on their first date. Family events were always huge and usually all-inclusive.
It’s easy to feel like you belong when you grow up in the same community in which your parents and grandparents grew up. That’s not possible for many kids, including our own, so we have tried the next best thing to establish roots for them in an increasingly transient society.
That Pollyanna childhood taught me to value family. But in a world where families move around - a lot - sometimes the best thing you can do is adapt. We have learned to trust and rely upon good friends in a way that might never have happened were our families living nearby. And though we have moved several times since we were married, my husband and I made a conscious choice to stick within our kids’ school district once they entered Kindergarten. It doesn’t replace our far-flung family, but so far it seems to be working for us.
Do your children live near their grandparents or other family members? If your family relocates often, what can you do to help create roots for your children?
Permalink | Comments (23) | Categories: Family Life
Are standards too low for a newborn?
All I expect is for her to eat, poop, sleep and, maybe if I get lucky, a smile at me. Rest of my family's expectations are much higher.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I am sure that it is a common joke among our friends and family that my husband and I have such high expectations from our children academically. We were both high achievers in school, and we expect the same from our kids. Like most parents, we want our children to be smart. (Heck, we even want the dog to be above average.) We often talk to them as if they were adults, encouraging them to explore the most complex topics and getting them to question the “why” behind everything.
When my husband is putting the kids to bed at night, I never hear him telling traditional fairy tales. Instead, they discuss things like how the nerves and spinal cord work together, what makes wind and the fundamentals of the full-court press in basketball.
Until our third was born last month, I almost forgot that these lessons start shortly after birth.
When the baby was just a few days old, I found my husband lying on the bed with Lilina holding her little fingers telling her, “This is your hand. You can do things with it. You can wave. You can grab things. You can point.”
He did the same thing with our daughter Rose. I walked in on them in the bathroom one day when she was about 2 months old. He had her hand poised over a light switch telling her she had the power to turn it off and on. When she finally did turn it off and on, he bragged to all our friends about her major accomplishment.
I was making fun of his baby lessons to a visiting girlfriend recently. As we sat there giggling, he told us in all seriousness that we were a part of the “culture of low expectations for newborns.” He said, “They can do a lot. People just don’t ask them to do much.”
Silly me — all I expect my newborn to do is eat, poop, sleep and, occasionally, if I get lucky, smile at me.
But Michael demands more - such as rattle shaking. At two weeks, he started teaching her this very important skill. He’s still working on it. He holds her while sitting on the couch and places a small rattle in her hand saying “You can shake this.”
When she does achieve this goal, he’ll be convinced it was due to his persistent lessons, not the fact that she’s just finally old enough to shake something.
Other lessons for the new baby have included how to mimic facial expressions. He sat there for 20 minutes, sticking his tongue out at her. Then, when she just happened to stick hers out, he celebrated as if it had something to do with him. I am reluctant to tell him that I think this has more to do with her sucking reflex than with her learning.
The kids have joined in and their expectations are even greater than my husband’s. Our 5-year-old routinely writes things down on paper and suspends the words over the baby’s bassinette so the she can “read” them.
When Lilina was about three weeks old, Rose showed her a list of our family members and gave her a breakdown. “This word says Mom. She is the lady that feeds you and takes care of you. This says Rose. I am your big sister. This says Walsh. He is your big brother. This says Dad.” She paused for quite some time trying to figure out what he does and said, “He’s the other boy that lives here who is NOT your big brother.”
One Saturday as Rose and Walsh peered over the side of the bassinette, my son said, “Let’s teach her the colors.” They began showing her items and telling her the colors loudly and slowly, as if she would repeat them. At least the kids have taken on this lesson instead of my colorblind husband.
Even though I’m pretty sure the baby isn’t going to absorb her colors or the basics of phonics at age of one month, at least the family is paying her a lot of attention. And eventually, the lessons may have some impact. When my oldest was an infant, my husband would spend hours leaning in close to her, chanting: “Da-da. Dada. Dad. Daddy. Daaaaa-daaaaa.”
After months of listening to this — and probably in an attempt to shut him up — my daughter finally said “Da-da,” her first word. He could not have been more proud. The day we brought Lilina home from the hospital, he volunteered to change her diaper. As she was lying on the changing table, trapped, he began his chanting. “Da-da. Dada. Dad. Daddy. Daaaaa-daaaaa.”
Wanted: Family-friendly beach, hold the family
Where does your family vacation?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Nearly every spring break since my children arrived on the scene nine years ago, I have spent at least part of the week at the beach on St. Simons Island, Ga. It is a special place to me. As a child, St. Simons and nearby Jekyll were the only beaches I ever saw. My husband and I got engaged at the top of the St. Simons lighthouse 14 years ago. My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles — you name it — all live there.
So taking a trip to the beach has always meant taking a trip to St. Simons - and taking a trip to see my entire family. That has its benefits, no doubt. When your family lives at the beach, you get to spend Christmas, Thanksgiving or any other holiday you wish at the beach. But it also means that you might get the kids fully-sunscreened and dressed for a day in the ocean, only to have a relative “pop in” to visit for an hour or three. It’s a great family vacation, but it never truly feels like a real beach getaway.
My husband and I have decided we need to find a good family-friendly beach that is not located in Glynn County, Ga. for at least one holiday each year. Whether it’s spring or summer break, we need a vacation destination that is our immediate family’s alone - one where we can rest, relax and discover things together with our girls.
How do you find family vacation spots? Do you vacation with your extended family? What good family spots do you recommend?
Permalink | Comments (36) | Categories: Family Life
Are normal pregnancies producing overweight toddlers?
How much weight should you gain during pregnancy?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of the good things about being the first of your friends to have children is that there’s no one around to make you worry about every possible thing that can go wrong - with a pregnancy, labor or long afterward. My husband and I married a year after college and started a family about four years later. We were relatively young, definitely naïve in the pregnancy arena and maintained very busy work schedules at the time.
Had we known better, we might have noticed the studies constantly being released that could send parents-to-be to the madhouse. Take this week’s latest release. Doctors are now concerned that even normal weight gain during pregnancy may increase the risk of having an overweight toddler. New weight guidelines could follow this news, but doctors don’t want to encourage moms-to-be to gain too little weight either.
As it was, I gained 32, 34 and 28 pounds respectively in my three pregnancies, each within the normal range. I lost that weight. None of my children are overweight now, nor were they at age three, which is the age of the children in this study.
But I am so glad I didn’t know that my Summer of Edy’s Grand Gourmet Ice Cream (months six, seven and eight) could have saddled my first child with a lifetime of weight problems. Or that a hankerin’ for a Varsity chili dog might not only end my years as a vegetarian but put my second child at risk.
How much pregnancy weight did you gain? Does this study concern you? Do you think there’s a really a correlation between the womb and a child’s life three years later? Or is this just another example of weight-gain in yet another segment of our society?
Permalink | Comments (38) | Categories: Health
