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Saturday, April 14, 2007
Some embarrassing truths about motherhood
What things did you forget about early motherhood between your babies?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When you’re pregnant, you daydream about all the wonderful things about having a baby - holding that warm little bundle against your chest, seeing her eventually smile at you because she knows you’re her momma and hearing her little funny noises as she sleeps next to you. But, much like the pain of childbirth, you tend to forget the unpleasant parts of having a new baby - some of them downright embarrassing.
Here’s a sampling of some of parts of early motherhood that I forgot: You look like crap My girlfriend was taking pictures of the baby the other day and said, “I would include you in the photos but you look terrible.” I’m afraid this is a daily occurrence. I’m not willing to trade sleep for a shower early in the morning so I put my hair up in a clip and of course there’s no make-up. Plus, I’m wearing the same stretchy jeans every day (see item number 4 for an explanation).
You smell like old milk My 3-year-old keeps telling me I smell like the baby. At first I thought this was a compliment. Now, I think he is trying to tell me I smell like old milk. Our new baby tends to spit-up after nursing. I keep getting whiffs of it and after investigating further; I think my hands, the leather recliner downstairs and the glider upstairs all have a faint smell of milk. My husband says our whole downstairs smells like old cheese. (I wouldn’t go that far.)
Your belly button is gigantic When I lie down in the tub I am amazed by the deep cavity that is now my belly button. I swear I could provide an entire sub-Saharan African nation with clean water for a month with the tub water that gets marooned in there.
It’s the hips, not the weight I dropped 22 pounds in the first two weeks. I only have nine pounds left to lose after four weeks, and I still can’t get my old jeans up over my hips. Ladies, it has nothing to do with your weight, it has to do with your hips opening up to give birth. They will go back to normal eventually. Until then keep wearing your maternity pants. I’m not talking about the ones with the panels. The new maternity jeans, like my favorite pair from the GAP, just have this stretchy waist band that works great in early pregnancy, during the last months and even post-partum. These are the jeans I am wearing every single day (unless they get spit up on).
You get calluses on your nipples This is not something new soon-to-be mothers want to hear (or their husbands for that matter) but you get calluses on your nipples from the baby nursing. The baby’s little mouth rubs your nipples on the same places about 12 times a day so there are bound to be calluses, but nobody tells you that and it’s certainly not sexy. I guess they do go away when you stop nursing because I didn’t remember them, but they’re back for now.
You still pee when you sneeze It’s me, the old ladies and the toddlers all wetting their pants. Women think it will get better after they deliver the baby, but I’m one-month out here and still peeing on myself whenever I sneeze! My 5-year-old told me that was ridiculous because “Grown people don’t pee in their pants.” Little does she know how cyclical life is.
Closed-caption is your friend When you’re up late nursing and your husband is sleeping or when you just want the baby to fall asleep, closed-caption is a great companion. I can keep watching TV while I’m rocking or feeding her but it doesn’t disturb her or other family members.
You can pee/poop while wearing the Baby Bjorn This is important to know and you forget how to accomplish it, but you can use the restroom while holding the baby in a baby carrier. I’m not saying this is fun but it is possible and at some point will be necessary. While you can pee wearing the Baby Bjorn, you shouldn’t eat cake. Twice this week, my poor little baby got chocolate crumbs on her head and back as I went to town on some chocolate cake.
You dream about NOT getting pregnant Even if you want more kids, there’s nothing more scary than the thought of being pregnant again with a several-month old baby. Don’t believe the hype, ladies. Nursing will not keep you from getting pregnant. I dream almost every night about not getting pregnant again.
Babies can bring you closer to your husband I appreciate so much all the help my husband gives that it actually makes me feel amorous toward him. (This explains why I keep dreaming about not getting pregnant.)
