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March 2007
Don’t leave me alone with them!
How to handle other kids with newborn in the house?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My husband bragged in this space two weeks ago about how great we are at handling a newborn. However, he didn’t mention how much we still need to learn about managing three children at once.
Obviously when I got pregnant I knew I would be caring for all of them. But as my husband got ready to go back to work and the reality set in, all I could think was “Don’t leave me alone with all three!”
For two whole weeks I had the luxury of being nestled upstairs in a warm little cocoon with my brand-new baby. My husband took those weeks off to care for our 5- and 3-year old. I wasn’t responsible for dressing them, making their lunches or getting them to and from school. I didn’t have to worry about coordinating gymnastics classes, giving them baths or even buying groceries. Michael handled it all.
My only responsibilities were to nurse, change, cuddle, rock and rest with my newborn.
For a first-time mom those tasks would be overwhelming. For a third-time mom, who was holding probably her last baby, it was downright heavenly.
From our little bubble upstairs, I could hear reality below: My son rebelling against any article of clothing my husband tried to put on him; my daughter insisting pet day was coming and she was supposed to bring the dog on the school bus.
My mind flashed forward to a scenario of my trying to break up a fight between my older two with the baby on the changing table and poop on my hands. The thought made me shudder.
My husband had left it kind of open when he would be returning to work. By the second Saturday night, he started dropping hints that he would be heading back that Thursday.
By the next day, my stomach was lurching. I was physically ill at the thought of being responsible for all of them at one time. After a day of running to the toilet, I decided I couldn’t be debilitated by the panic. I needed to take some deep breaths, plan ahead and be brave.
My husband has been back at work for more than a week now. So far, I haven’t called him crying and the house isn’t in a shambles (well, no worse than normal).
I still have lots of small panics throughout the day. I worry about the baby wanting to nurse when I’m supposed to be picking my 3-year-old up from preschool or changing a diaper when my daughter is getting off the bus.
Bath time for the older two can come at any point in the afternoon when the baby happens to be asleep and dinner has become a questionable affair. Toaster waffles have been served because they could be cooked while safely holding a baby.
Currently, my most critical problem is figuring out how to discipline the oldest two while attending to the baby.
The kids have learned that I am less likely to grab them by the arm and move them away from trouble when I’m holding or nursing the baby. This new dynamic leaves them lots of opportunity to wreak havoc.
On Tuesday I brought the baby outside to nurse so the older two could play in the yard. My daughter made a bee line for a planter filled with mud (but no plant). She started stirring it. I asked her to stop. Then she started dipping her hands in it. I asked to her stop again. But she didn’t. She knew I didn’t want to disturb the baby by jumping up to grab her. Finally I had to do just that.
The next night, I got dinner ready for them and left extras on a small plate between them so they could serve themselves while I fed the baby. They proceeded to sword fight with their forks and spoons over the extra servings. I couldn’t really scream at them while holding the baby in my arms, and I think they already knew I wouldn’t.
Despite all that, I think we’re doing OK. I don’t feel like throwing up when my husband leaves for the office, and it occurs to me that squirt guns placed strategically around the house could be my discipline solution.
A (Spring) break from the normal routine
Are kids’ early-morning school schedules good for them?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Today marks the first day of my kids’ Spring Break. They’re still young enough for this to be good news - not reason to worry - and I have to say, I’m especially looking forward to the break’s arrival this year.
For months, I have had to awaken two sleepy children at 6:00 a.m. so they can get dressed, fed and otherwise ready to get on the bus before daybreak. No matter how early they go to bed, 6:00 a.m. still comes round too soon. Every day I feel like a drill sergeant in a battle of wills with my recruits, who resist like mad the calls to get up and moving. By the time the kids sit down at the breakfast table, the stress and fatigue is obvious on everyone’s faces.
My husband and I have tried driving them to school to give them a little more sleep time. We’re apparently not alone. The drop-off line backs up so far that they really only get an extra 10 minutes or so at home. Leaving any later only ensures a long wait in the car line and the possibility of being tardy.
The reality is elementary schools start really early here. When the winter sun sets at 5:30 p.m., I can usually get our children to bed and asleep by 7:30 p.m. That helps make mornings run a little smoother. But Daylight Savings Time’s early onset this year has wreaked havoc on my children’s body clocks. It may save energy somewhere, but we expend quite a lot of energy in my house fighting circadian rhythm to get the kids asleep when it’s still bright outside and rouse them in the pitch dark.
Is it difficult to get your kids up and out the door for school each day? Do you like your school start time? What impact do such early schedules have on your kids? Do you let your kids really sleep in on short breaks like Spring Break, or do you try to maintain their normal schedules?
Permalink | Comments (117) | Categories: Family Life
Bullying goes online and out-of-control
Are your children concerned with cyberbullies?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
As the mother of three future teenage girls, I am always trying to stay one step ahead of my daughters. I remember well the clique stage in middle school; the dating pressures in high school and all of the other things in between. So while my oldest is only nine, I can’t help but wonder how my 21st century girls will navigate the rough waters ahead.
The growing trend of cyberbullying, therefore, caught my eye the other day. Back in the 20th century, we had bullies - but they were usually boys targeting boys and lunch money was often involved. Girls could be bullies too - of a different, more vicious variety. They dealt punishment through rumor-mongering or simply excluding their victims from “the group.”
Bullies still spread rumors, but their victims are so much more exposed than parents could ever imagine when we were younger. Today’s middle and high schoolers are Internet savvy, and from what I can tell, they all seem to have their own mobile phones. We have laid down the law in our house, and our girls know they won’t be getting cell phones in middle school. But a few of their elementary school classmates already carry them.
Those mobile phones and web sites like MySpace have become tools of the cyberbullying trade. Rumors spread like wildfire one text message or “identity theft” at a time. Identity theft can occur when a bully creates a fake Internet web space under his victim’s name - or hijacks the victim’s real web site - to spread lies. Kids who might never have witnessed 20th century bullying need only turn on their computers today to tune in to the latest threat, rumor or lie.
Is cyberbullying a big concern among your pre-teens and teens? How do they handle it? What do you, as parents, do to prevent your children from becoming targets or to protect them? Since some forms of cyberbullying technically involve identity theft of young victims, would you seek legal action against a bully targeting your child?
Permalink | Comments (26) | Categories: Family Life
Day care takes a beating
Are kids in child care at risk for bad behavior?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dropping off the kids at day care or preschool is routine for many working and stay-at-home moms alike. The news yesterday that young children in day care may be more argumentative or disobedient when they reach elementary school could create anxiety and worry in parents who use child care. But before we wade into controversial waters, it’s important to look at the details of the report in question.
Yesterday’s report describes a National Institutes of Health study that tracked more than 1,300 children from birth through sixth grade. NIH followed each one, noted their child care situation and then gathered teachers’ comments on the kids’ behavior once they entered school.
A “day care child” is loosely-defined as a child under 4 ½ years old who regularly spent more than 10 hours per week in the care of someone other than their mother. That would presumably include a lot of stay-at-home children who attended morning preschools a few hours a week. Or who spent those hours with their fathers, grandparents or nannies.
The good news is that the disruptive behavior is thought to be within the normal range, and children from high-quality day cares tend to have strong vocabulary skills. Overall, good parenting also proved to be more important than day care in the study. The bad news is that a behavior disparity exists across the socio-economic spectrum — and not all of the 2 million American children in day care receive high-quality care.
For working parents, what do you look for in a child care environment? How do you know if a day care is “high-quality”? For stay-at-home parents, do the study’s findings make you anxious about sending your children to mother’s morning out programs or morning preschools?
More importantly, what can day cares and parents do to help prevent behavior problems in the future?
Permalink | Comments (146) | Categories: Family Life
Kids say the meanest things, especially to me
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My 5-year-old daughter is usually a sweet, loving child who is quick to offer compliments and is empathetic to all. She’s rarely mean to anyone … well, except me. Take for example, the hand-made Valentine she sent me. It said (and I’m not making this up): “I do not hate you.” And, when the baby was born on my birthday, Rose honestly, yet cruelly, let me know - “Daddy, no one is going to care about your birthday any more.”
I’m sure most parents have heard occasional mean or unexpected comments from their children. Young kids are known for saying exactly what they’re thinking - even if their true observations are mean. Spending the last two weeks at home with my two older children while my wife was concentrating on the new baby, their cruel comments have become more frequent, more callous and more often directed at me.
My daughter unleashed this gem last week: “Daddy, I love the baby a thousand times more than you.” You’d think it would be enough for her to say she loved the baby 10 times more than me, or even 100 times more. But no, she had to pull out 1,000 to explain the gap between her love for her sister and her mild affection for me.
And, she’s the nice one. I expect such comments from my 3-year-old son. He doesn’t understand yet how much words can hurt, and he never really means the negative things he says, usually apologizing seconds later.
But his attacks come out of nowhere, and they’re more offensive. One night, he was comparing our skin color, and suggested that, “We need a new daddy — one with light skin like us.”
I should point out that my son is only a little lighter than me, but apparently the difference is enough to inspire some mild racism. Racism is only one of his sins. He’s also judgmental of weight.
“You have a fat stomach,” he matter-of-factly told a corpulent man who was blocking his way.
While his slams of me are funny, it’s a problem when he takes it public.
His mother muttered some quick apologies and scolded the boy, but I’m not sure he understood. He was telling the truth, and he wasn’t trying to hurt the big man’s feelings. To him, what he said was no more offensive than telling someone that they have pretty hair or a nice singing voice.
It takes a while for kids to figure out which observations are OK and which are offensive, and it’s our job to help them learn that distinction. We immediately gave him a lecture, but I’m not sure it was enough.
Our lecture was specifically about not commenting on someone’s appearance. There are so many other potential minefields.
Both our kids are the opposite of shy, talking to everyone. They are constantly telling people: “Cool shirt,” or “I like your glasses.” But sometimes, they introduce themselves more aggressively. The week of the Georgia-Georgia Tech football game, my son walked up to a man with a Georgia Tech shirt and said, “I don’t like that bee, and I’m going to beat him up.”
Mealtime is another situation ripe with potential for offensive comments. I was in charge of dinner the last few weeks, and I introduced Bacos as a salad topping. “Those red things smell like dog food,” my son said. That’s fine commentary for our house - although I have no problem with pungent fake meat - but what if he said something similar at a friend’s house?
And, what about situations where you want to keep your feelings secret? While car shopping, both kids were quick to announce that they loved the entertainment system or seating arrangement, hampering their parents’ negotiation attempts. While house hunting, they both announced when a room “smelled like garbage” or was just plain ugly.
Obviously, we have some teaching to do with the boy about what you can safely comment on. We’re working on it.
As for me, I can handle smart-aleck criticisms from a couple of kids. I’m used to it — my wife gives me a public flogging on the Internet several times a month.
Editor note: Theresa Walsh Giarrusso gave birth to Lilina Catherine on March 7. Her husband, Michael, has writing her Sunday column for her. Her friend Keith Still, mother of three, is handling the MOMania blog at ajc.com.
Do you suffer from “Mommy Guilt”?
Are parents’ expectations of quality time with kids impractical?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Ever get a sinking feeling that you’re not spending as much time as you should with your children? Most moms have at some point. It’s called “Mommy Guilt”, and it can strike at any time. You might feel it when you drop off your baby at day care. It might hit when your preschooler clings to your leg as you’re on your way out the door. Or it might gnaw at you if you realize you have been busy with housework ever since your kids got off of the bus.
Parents today are often so busy juggling work, childcare, school, housework and after-school activities that it can feel like we never just enjoy quality time with our children. But a University of Maryland study says we’re actually spending more time focused on our kids than parents did 40 years ago. The report says that mothers in 1965 spent an average of 10.2 hours per week feeding, reading to and playing with their children. Today, that average has risen to nearly 14.1 hours per week.
So why the Mommy Guilt? The study suggests that our expectations as parents and for our children’s development have also risen. That has forced many to multi-task or simply spend less time doing other things - like sleeping or housework - in order to spend more time with the kids. We may just be too overwhelmed or tired to appreciate those extra hours we have carved out for the little ones.
And, it’s not just the mommies who are spending more time with their children but feeling stretched. Dads are too. The report may discuss Mommy Guilt, but I know several dads who are feeling the pangs of Daddy Guilt as well.
Do you feel Mommy or Daddy Guilt? How do you cope with it? How do you define quality time with your kids? Regardless of how you feel as a parent, do you think your kids are happy with the amount of quality time they spend with you?
Permalink | Comments (115) | Categories: Family Life
Rockin’ on with the next generation
How young is too young to go to a concert?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My favorite band “du jour” is returning to the Tabernacle in a few weeks, and I can’t wait. My husband and I saw The Decemberists there a few months ago, and we have already lined up friends to watch the girls for the upcoming show. This is important, because I don’t want to be totting up the babysitter’s fee every time the band starts a new song.
Even before we met at university, my husband and I were much more interested in the line-up at Athens’ 40 Watt Club than the Bulldogs’ line-up on the gridiron. When we lived in DC, I was the only person not frisked to get into a local venue to see Morrissey, because I was clearly very pregnant.
So it stands to reason that our three kids are a bit into music. They rock out to The Kooks and Snow Patrol as fervently as they do Hannah Montana and the Wiggles. But when our oldest asked if she could go with us to see The Decemberists, I had to stop and think. She can sing along to their library better than anyone else, but nine years old still seems a little young to be exposed to “concert culture”.
To be honest, I don’t think I would balk if she asked to see Hannah Montana at Philips. But this is no kiddie band, and the crowd will still be adults - no matter how young they look to me.
What is an appropriate age for a kid’s first concert? I’m not talking about outdoor music festivals where the air’s relatively fresher and the decibel levels decrease as you move away from the stage, but acts that are playing in big indoor venues or small clubs? Does the size of venue or the age of the act change your answer?
Permalink | Comments (93) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Is bridging the Gender Gap a one-sided affair?
Do women do more to close the gap than men?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My good friend Lise and I were put in charge of entertainment one recent Saturday evening, when our families got together for dinner. The seven kids were in the basement, watching a movie, whooping it up, and in general, destroying the playroom. After a few Saturdays of poker, Lise and I opted to delve into the games cupboard for something different.
We emerged with a board game called The Gender Gap, in which women are asked to answer questions about very “manly” topics in order to advance on the board. Men, in turn, are asked about “girly” things. Think car repair versus manicure repair in a very stereotypical way. Our husbands weren’t at all interested, but they still wanted to win the game. Within minutes, the women were half-way across the board, and the men hadn’t left the starting block.
Was this a sign that Lise and I were modern-day renaissance women - able to discuss compacts and carburetors at the same time? Or was it, as our husbands pointed out, more likely a sign that women may take (or at least feign) greater interest in their husband’s hobbies than men may take in their wives’. I don’t want to get the ladies mad, but I think there may be some truth to what the guys were saying - at least a little.
I look at couples I know, and I see numerous examples where the women at least talk a good game about their husbands’ favorite subjects. I know of fewer examples where men express similar knowledge of their wives’ interests. That’s not meant to put down the men. I just think men and women treat this type of thing differently. Husbands may view their wives’ hobbies as an opportunity for their mates to get some much-needed personal time. Wives may view brushing up on football facts as a way to spend more quality time with their husbands.
What do you think? Is there a gender gap, and should it be closed? If so, who works more in your coupling to narrow the gap - you or your spouse?
Permalink | Comments (23) | Categories: Battles between Mom and Dad
Which comes first: Easier infant or less stressed parents?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Bringing home our new baby on an uneventful and peaceful drive from the hospital, my wife turned to me and said, “Is this easier than bringing home our first, or do I just remember that as stressful?”
Unless we share the same false memories, this is easier.
After our first baby was born, panic and exasperation were our normal states of mind. Every wail led to a series of trial-and-error attempts to determine what was wrong. We started changing the diaper, then went to rocking and bouncing, before advancing to feeding. Something as simple as buttoning up the baby’s outfit became as nerve-wracking as defusing a bomb.
She seemed to pick the worst times to have problems. She would be fine right before we left on a trip, but would immediately start crying as soon as we were too far away to turn around. Her diaper would leak onto her outfit and sheets right after we finished washing a load of laundry. She would sleep during the day, and she would stay awake all night, bawling for no apparent reason.
If she was up, I would to stay up. I would watch TV while trying to calm her. My daughter saw more West Coast NBA playoff games than any infant should, and I’m pretty sure she spent more time with Conan O’Brien than any other male except me.
We tried everything to satisfy her. We bought every device that swings, bounces or carries an infant. We held her in every position when she cried and we tried every possible feeding/sleeping schedule — including not having a schedule.
Once, we thought we had found the answer to soothing her — she loved to bounce. I stayed up from 1 to 3 a.m. doing squats with the baby in my arms. If I stopped for 10 seconds, she would start screaming. In a week, I developed huge calves and buns of steel.
But was our first baby really more difficult, or was it our fault? Did the baby feed off our stress, while the new baby is relaxed because we’re more relaxed?
It’s not that our tactics have changed drastically. We still use the same equipment and systems. Sure, we know what kind of diapers and wipes we prefer, and my wife has a better handle on breastfeeding. But other than that, we’re doing many of the same things we did after our first baby was born.
We simply don’t worry as much. Sometimes, babies cry. Sometimes it’s for a reason; sometimes it’s just to exercise their lungs. We don’t panic now at the first sob, and we don’t beat ourselves up if we can’t soothe her immediately. I’m pretty sure the baby senses our comfort level and reacts to it. We don’t freak out, so she doesn’t freak out.
This baby definitely seems like the most laid back of our three.
The second baby was a little easier than the first, but things didn’t go as smoothly as possible — mainly because No. 1 was still a toddler. It was a difficult time to bring another baby into the house while our oldest was still potty training and learning to sleep in a bed instead of a crib.
But now, our first two are old enough to take care of their most basic functions. They can shower, put on their own pajamas and brush their teeth with minimal prodding. My daughter can almost get herself ready for school, although her fashion choices are sometimes vetoed. Both of them can be trusted to play on their own with out destroying property, although we need to move all foods out of my son’s reach. (He recently had a few seconds alone with a cake and somehow slurped up every inch of frosting without eating any actual cake).
Each day, they gain more independence, allowing us to concentrate on the baby. Our oldest has become quite a good little helper, calming her sister when we need assistance.
However, it’s not as if we’re completely stress-free. We spend hours worrying about exposing her to any sickness, and we are constantly trying to make sure none of the other kids’ tiny toys are within her reach. And, much like our first, we’re still terrified to cut her nails. Those tiny little fingers seem so fragile.
Maybe we’ll have the courage to trim them in a week or two. I just hope the baby doesn’t sense our stress about it.
Editor note: Theresa Walsh Giarrusso gave birth to Lilina Catherine on March 7. Her husband, Michael, will be writing the Sunday column for a few weeks. Her friend Keith Still, mother of three, is handling the MOMania blog at ajc.com. ajcmomania@gmail.com
No good-night’s sleep for deprived parents
Why don’t moms make sleep a priority for themselves?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It probably comes as no surprise to most parents that a good night’s sleep is both essential and elusive. Reports keep telling us what we know all too well - Americans need more sleep. Lack of it affects physical and mental health, our moods, our skin, our weight, our sex life, our family life and our memory. If you’re a parent, your sleep deprivation can be dangerous to your children as well.
Women, it seems, are most starved for sleep. A recent National Sleep Foundation poll reports that pregnancy, baby care and menopause all make it difficult for women to bed down for a full eight-hours. Add stress, work, spousal snoring and your head may never hit the pillow.
At my house, I’m very consistent with my children’s bed times. I have made a good night’s sleep a priority - for them. But I can’t say I’ve done the same for me. I never get the recommended eight hours of sleep. On a good night, I get six hours, uninterrupted. More often, I get five with a toddler coming in round 4 a.m. to announce she’s off to the bathroom. (She doesn’t need help - just feels the need to share the news.) It will be nice when that’s a thing of the past, but ultimately, I know I need to change my own bed time. It’s 1 a.m. and I’m writing a blog about needing more sleep. Clearly, my priorities are skewed.
The good news is that most of our sleep problems can be solved if we’re willing to make the necessary changes to our routines. Some American couples are even changing their sleeping arrangements in the quest for better sleep, asking for two master suites in their homes to ensure quality rest.
So why don’t many parents make sleep for themselves a priority? And how do we change that?
Permalink | Comments (29) | Categories: Health
Are kids choosing virtual over reality for their pets?
What do children gain from virtual pet ownership?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday, we discussed children and real-life pets. Today, I thought we would look at the growing trend of kids owning virtual pets.
Webkinz are the big craze in my house and in the girls’ school. They fly off toy-shop shelves the minute a shipment arrives and appear to be the topic of many grade-school conversations. Because they’re relatively cheap (about $10 for the Webkinz and about $8 for the slightly smaller Lil’kinz), some kids are collecting these stuffed animals in beanie-baby proportions.
With their pets’ secret codes in hand, they can go online to a virtual pet community, play games, interact with friends’ pets, visit the vet, and otherwise take care of their dogs, horses, unicorns, pandas and koalas. Webkinz are by no means the only virtual pet game in town. Nintendo has its Dogs and Cats games. You can find several other pet games for hand-held gadgets, games consoles or online as well.
So how crazy has the virtual pet phenomenon gotten? Well, in Australia at least, the virtual pet world is being cited a major cause for a 30 percent decline in real pet ownership over the past seven years. (Other causes being high-density living and the overall trend of kids staying indoors.) Read more about that here and here.
Do your kids have virtual pets? What are the benefits or downsides to the virtual pet craze? Are they really learning to care and take responsibility for a pet if it only exists online? Or is this just yet another way to get kids off the playgrounds and on the computer?
Permalink | Comments (10) | Categories: Family Life
When is it time to bring a pet into the family?
How important are pets in growing up?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Growing up, I lived on a small farm with a few pet horses and a couple of dogs that bedded down each night in the barn. I always imagined my own children would one day enjoy the same thrill of running down a grassy hill with their dogs a la the Ingalls girls on “Little House on the Prairie”.
So when we brought home a sweet-tempered English Setter a few years ago, I could almost hear the theme song to Little House playing as we pulled up to our metro Atlanta abode. Pretty soon, though, I realized I wasn’t ready for a pet in the suburban sense of the word.
With two young girls and a husband who worked and attended law school at night, all of the dog duties fell upon increasingly-pregnant me. Our fenced ½-acre backyard didn’t satisfy a setter’s need for adventure, and I found it more and more difficult to waddle after a bird dog that could sense every fine-feathered friend in a two-mile radius.
It became obvious to me that we could not - at that time - juggle the many balls we had in the air and give our pet the love and care she deserved. Though my husband agreed and found a good home for her, he and the girls were very upset when the day came to say good-bye. I have felt guilty ever since.
My oldest is now asking for another dog. I have to admit I am torn. I think pets are an important part of childhood, but the heartache from our last “pet experience” is still fresh in my mind. I don’t know that our situation has changed all that much. My husband is out of school and the older girls could now take on some of the pet responsibilities, but our schedules are more hectic than three years ago.
What are your thoughts on pets and children? If you grew up without pets (or with pets that didn’t live in your house), how did you adjust to bringing a four-legged friend into your home? Is it better to have pets before you have children, or is there a good age to introduce pets to your kids?
Permalink | Comments (57) | Categories: Family Life
Rule for Dad: When your wife is ready to give birth, you don’t have time for a shower
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’ll admit it. I wasn’t the best husband the night Theresa went into labor. I probably should not have laughed at her insane moaning during contractions - a mix of praying and cussing that anyone would have giggled at. And, I definitely should not have risked having to deliver the baby on the side of the road because I wanted to take a shower before we went to the hospital.
But don’t judge me too harshly. I got her to the hospital on time (barely). And, as people in trouble often tell the media, everything sounds worse when you take it out of context. So let me try to put my behavior in context.
Last Friday, my wife woke me up at 5:30 a.m. to tell me she was in labor. The whole family, including the two children, had all been sick for more than a week, and I was still suffering pretty badly. Still, we were able to get moving. We packed the bags, arranged for my in-laws to take the kids and sent the dog to the neighbors. Theresa said we should take my car, because “I don’t want my water to break in my new minivan.”
We spent 70 minutes in rush-hour traffic. As soon as the midwife examined Theresa, it was clear that the seats of the minivan would have been safe. She was not in labor, so we were sent home.
Lilina lying in the sun on her birthday. A little quiet alert time.
My wife’s not known for her patience. All weekend, Theresa kept pointing out “sure” signs of impending labor. By Monday night, every burp, stomachache and dream was a labor symptom.
That night, she complained of painful contractions. We packed for her appointment Tuesday morning, figuring that we would go straight from the midwife’s office to the hospital’s labor and delivery.
Once again, the midwife sent us home, saying my wife was still days away from giving birth. Theresa decided to be induced at 6 a.m. the next day.
That evening, we dropped the kids with their grandparents so we could go straight to the hospital the next morning.
Theresa went to bed early and I watched basketball on TV. I heard her yelling in pain a couple times, but I figured it was OK if she was cussing indiscriminately. If she needed help, she’d target her curses at me directly.
She interrupted the Horizon League championship game to ask how I could ignore her yelling. I probably should have apologized, but instead I asked - “How am I supposed to know the difference between labor moans and your usual b**ing and moaning?”
Obviously, that wasn’t the right thing to say, but you have to put it in context. I was exhausted too, and I had been hearing about her labor for weeks now. Still, not the right thing to say, but some of you can understand where I was coming from.
Then suddenly, the moaning changed. During the contractions, she would swear in ways that would make Chris Rock blush. Between the contractions, she would pray or tell me that she loved me. A contraction would come, and she would tell me to “get the bleep out of my bleeping face, you stupid bleeping, bleep.” I considered taking video of her and posting it on YouTube. I’m pretty sure “Crazy, foul-mouth, religious, pregnant lady” would be the most-viewed video of the week.
Around 11:30 p.m., we decided to go to the hospital.
I assumed it was another false alarm, so I decided I had time for a quick shower. Then I noticed stubble. It would just take a couple minutes more to shave. I think she really lost patience when she looked up from a contraction to see me applying hair gel and spritzing cologne.
Finally, we were on the road. My wife was clutching a barf bag. Every couple minutes, she would mutter - “I can’t believe you took a bleeping shower.”
We arrived at the hospital, and I started unpacking the car. “NO BAGS!” she screamed, and then muttered something incoherent about a wheelchair and pain medication.
As soon as a nurse checked Theresa, it was clear this was not a false alarm. Nurses were standing by to clear the baby’s lungs. Others were on the phone, while one was asking me questions about the contractions. If I had driven slower, we probably would have had that baby in the parking lot of the former Gold Club on our way to Piedmont Hospital.
Rose and Walsh meet Lilina for the first time. (on her birth day)
The nurses pleaded with my wife NOT to push. No midwife or doctor was available. Finally, a doctor appeared. When she said push, my wife stopped cussing and praying. One push and the baby’s head popped out. One more and the body shot out like a cannonball, slipping and spinning in a puddle of blood and fluids. If it weren’t for the umbilical cord, our newborn would have slid across the room.
My wife, never known for being tolerant of pain, had given birth with no epidural, no medication, not even Motrin. I was stunned in admiration. I was proud of her, happy to see my healthy, beautiful daughter, and ashamed that I had doubted that her labor was real. I was also embarrassed about the shower. But when I picked up my daughter and rubbed my cheek to hers, I was glad to be stubble-free and smelling good.
Editor note: Theresa Walsh Giarrusso gave birth to Lilina Catherine (7 pounds, 8.8 ounces; 20.5 inches long) on March 7 at 1:21 a.m. For the next few weeks, her husband, Michael, will be writing the column that appears on Sunday in the Gwinnett edition of the AJC. Her friend Keith Still, mother of three, will be posting on the ajc.com blog during the week.
A rose by any other name is still a rose?
What your favorite name means to your child
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Okay, after tackling puberty and childhood obesity, I thought we would lighten things up a bit today. My name seemed to cause more than one reader to do a double-take when I wrote the “my first bra” story Tuesday. I think a few of you either jokingly or seriously thought the AJC had handed over its mom blog to a cross-dressing man. While that might be viewed as very progressive, the truth is sadly not that interesting.
Not only was I born with two X chromosomes, but I have an older brother who would have worn my name much better than I. My given name, Keith, is actually a surname. This is not an uncommon practice in Georgia, though in my case, it is particularly confusing.
These days, I rarely think about the fact that most of the English-speaking world looks at my name and expects to see a man. But I was less-than-thrilled with my moniker from about 3rd grade through puberty. By the time, I headed to university, Keith was cool again. I was clearly a girl, and Keith gave me an air of mystery and, some said, sophistication.
It helped out when I worked in politics as well. A woman named Keith is instantly unforgettable. I have been a stay-at-home mom for years, so now I’m “Mom”.
With that knowledge, let’s talk names. Theresa was trying to find the perfect name for her baby a few weeks ago, and we read lots of good comments on how parents approach that process.
But what is in a name? Is it fair to saddle kids with an unusual name - or with an incredibly popular name? Do you buy into the notion that bearers of certain names are likely to succeed in the future while others are not? Are there any truly great names that can take a person from infancy through puberty and adulthood with style?
Permalink | Comments (129) | Categories: Family Life
Does obesity debate tip scales against parents?
Should government have a role in raising children?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
By now, we’ve all heard of young Connor McCreaddie, the 218-pound, 8-year-old boy in Britain who was nearly removed from his mother’s care out of concern for his health. After much debate, officials in the UK have decided to allow Connor to remain in his home for the time being.
Stories like this conjure up strong and immediate emotions in most parents. Some are horrified that anyone would give their children carte blanche to eat their way into morbid obesity. Others are equally shocked that a government could even think of taking away parents’ custody because their son or daughter is overweight.
Research and studies constantly alert us to dangers lurking in our children’s everyday lives. Childhood obesity is just one — but it’s a growing one. Whether it’s Shaquille O’Neal coaching overweight kids in an upcoming television program or increasing numbers of teens having obesity surgery , it’s not a stretch to imagine policymakers on this side of the pond using sensationalized stories to try to save every child, one legislative bill or judicial action at a time.
I’m not saying I condone parents who aren’t trying to establish a healthy life for their kids. But I am equally uncomfortable with the idea that children could be taken from parents who love them because the moms and dads don’t parent the “right way”.
Most people agree that children should be removed from parents who are physically or sexually abusive. Outside of clear-cut abuse, however, is there a balance between protecting children’s interests and preserving the rights of parents? How do you draw the line?
Permalink | Comments (56) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Growing into puberty one bra strap at a time
How anxious were your kids to reach those pubescent milestones?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My third-grade daughter came home the other day, announced that she was beginning puberty and said that she really wanted a bra. I took a quick look to make sure this was the same thin, pre-pubescent girl who had walked out my door that morning. Her outward appearance was unchanged, but inside my little girl was hurtling toward womanhood.
It wasn’t the puberty announcement that shocked me as much as my daughter’s strong desire to don a AAA-cup so soon. When my mother gently forced me to wear my first bra in the fourth grade, my reaction could not have been any more different. Mortification was followed by denial, which was followed by a total renaming of the apparatus to make it (slightly) more acceptable. I wouldn’t call it a “bra” until I was well into the fifth grade. My clever mom finally convinced me that my first bra was really just a camisole. Even then, I was embarrassed.
Some of my other mom friends recall similar horrors when they began wearing a bra…or shaving their legs…or getting their periods for the first time. As luck would have it, my daughter’s annual pediatric check up was that week. Medically-speaking, her journey toward womanhood has yet to begin.
But the sigh of relief I heaved at hearing my daughter will remain “little” for a while longer was interrupted by tears and statements along the lines of “I’ll NEVER get to wear a bra!” My wannabe pubescent has already jumped on board the hormonal roller-coaster, and with younger sisters waiting in the wings, it looks like our family is in for a long ride.
Are your kids - boys or girls - rushing into puberty before their bodies are even ready? How did they handle puberty when it finally arrived - were they pumped up, grossed out or let down? More importantly, how did you handle the whole thing?
Permalink | Comments (66) | Categories: Family Life
No baby yet, but a new blogger to entertain you
We’re still waiting on the baby, but in the meantime we have a new MOMania blogger to fill in.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I had hoped by the time you were reading this blog that we’d be holding our new baby. But, alas not everyone in this family is good at hitting deadlines. The baby is now officially late.
Tired and very fat, I’m handing over the MOMania reins for a little while. I’ve got someone great to fill in on the blog and keep you guys entertained and informed while I take a little maternity time.
Keith Still (Yes, she’s a woman!) is a mother of three girls - ages 9, 6, and 3. She lives in Forsyth County now but grew up in Lithonia. She is one of the wisest mothers I have ever met, and is often who I turn to for mothering advice.
I met Keith working at the college newspaper 13 years ago. She has always bounced between journalism and politics. When she left college, she worked on a U.S. senator’s campaign and eventually became his press secretary.
She returned home to Georgia to rear her family, and we were lucky enough to work together again. Keith helped me write and edit News for Kids for several years.
She is a frequent commenter on the blog (under many different names). I know she will do a great job picking thought-provoking topics for you guys. Please give her a warm welcome and also know she has been given the power to delete and to ban on the blog.
You can leave her ideas today on the blog or e-mail her at ajcmomania@gmail.com. (She also knows the password to the e-mail account - I’m really handing over those keys!)
Completely unrelated topic: I wanted to leave you something fun. My husband found this on You Tube and in light of our minivan discussion from last week, I thought you would enjoy! We’ll keep you posted on the baby’s arrival!
Permalink | Comments (25) | Categories: Family Life
What to do with a hairy husband?
Have you asked your man to make the big sacrifice and shave his back or other areas?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
So I was reading an essay in the March “GQ” about men saying yes to their fur and not letting their women folk talk them into doing something crazy like waxing or shaving their backs, chests or other regions. The author tells the story of a friend canceling a tennis match because he hurt himself shaving his privates. The author was outraged!
Have you ever asked your husband or past boyfriends to shave or wax their backs, chests, bums or other private areas? How did they respond? Were they willing to do it? Which method did they choose?
Does it equal things out since women generally do shave or wax much of their bodies?
Permalink | Comments (45) | Categories: Battles between Mom and Dad
