Home > Health > MOMania > Archives > 2007 > March > 17 > Entry
DEL.ICIO.USWhich comes first: Easier infant or less stressed parents?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Bringing home our new baby on an uneventful and peaceful drive from the hospital, my wife turned to me and said, “Is this easier than bringing home our first, or do I just remember that as stressful?”
Unless we share the same false memories, this is easier.
After our first baby was born, panic and exasperation were our normal states of mind. Every wail led to a series of trial-and-error attempts to determine what was wrong. We started changing the diaper, then went to rocking and bouncing, before advancing to feeding. Something as simple as buttoning up the baby’s outfit became as nerve-wracking as defusing a bomb.
She seemed to pick the worst times to have problems. She would be fine right before we left on a trip, but would immediately start crying as soon as we were too far away to turn around. Her diaper would leak onto her outfit and sheets right after we finished washing a load of laundry. She would sleep during the day, and she would stay awake all night, bawling for no apparent reason.
If she was up, I would to stay up. I would watch TV while trying to calm her. My daughter saw more West Coast NBA playoff games than any infant should, and I’m pretty sure she spent more time with Conan O’Brien than any other male except me.
We tried everything to satisfy her. We bought every device that swings, bounces or carries an infant. We held her in every position when she cried and we tried every possible feeding/sleeping schedule — including not having a schedule.
Once, we thought we had found the answer to soothing her — she loved to bounce. I stayed up from 1 to 3 a.m. doing squats with the baby in my arms. If I stopped for 10 seconds, she would start screaming. In a week, I developed huge calves and buns of steel.
But was our first baby really more difficult, or was it our fault? Did the baby feed off our stress, while the new baby is relaxed because we’re more relaxed?
It’s not that our tactics have changed drastically. We still use the same equipment and systems. Sure, we know what kind of diapers and wipes we prefer, and my wife has a better handle on breastfeeding. But other than that, we’re doing many of the same things we did after our first baby was born.
We simply don’t worry as much. Sometimes, babies cry. Sometimes it’s for a reason; sometimes it’s just to exercise their lungs. We don’t panic now at the first sob, and we don’t beat ourselves up if we can’t soothe her immediately. I’m pretty sure the baby senses our comfort level and reacts to it. We don’t freak out, so she doesn’t freak out.
This baby definitely seems like the most laid back of our three.
The second baby was a little easier than the first, but things didn’t go as smoothly as possible — mainly because No. 1 was still a toddler. It was a difficult time to bring another baby into the house while our oldest was still potty training and learning to sleep in a bed instead of a crib.
But now, our first two are old enough to take care of their most basic functions. They can shower, put on their own pajamas and brush their teeth with minimal prodding. My daughter can almost get herself ready for school, although her fashion choices are sometimes vetoed. Both of them can be trusted to play on their own with out destroying property, although we need to move all foods out of my son’s reach. (He recently had a few seconds alone with a cake and somehow slurped up every inch of frosting without eating any actual cake).
Each day, they gain more independence, allowing us to concentrate on the baby. Our oldest has become quite a good little helper, calming her sister when we need assistance.
However, it’s not as if we’re completely stress-free. We spend hours worrying about exposing her to any sickness, and we are constantly trying to make sure none of the other kids’ tiny toys are within her reach. And, much like our first, we’re still terrified to cut her nails. Those tiny little fingers seem so fragile.
Maybe we’ll have the courage to trim them in a week or two. I just hope the baby doesn’t sense our stress about it.
Editor note: Theresa Walsh Giarrusso gave birth to Lilina Catherine on March 7. Her husband, Michael, will be writing the Sunday column for a few weeks. Her friend Keith Still, mother of three, is handling the MOMania blog at ajc.com. ajcmomania@gmail.com
Comments
By past50mom
March 17, 2007 10:23 AM | Link to this
Yes, the third is easier than the first because you are an experienced baby handler now, so relax and enjoy. If the baby is nursing she will be protected by mom’s immune system until she can start making her own antibodies, so don’t get manic over her sibling’s germy toys. Wipe the toys down daily with a clorox wipe and you will all be ok. Have fun, take a lot of pictures and nap as often as possible. I had three in four years, and we all survived. Just don’t sweat the small stuff!
By nurse&mother
March 17, 2007 11:04 AM | Link to this
I definitely think that with each child, your confindence and experience grows. I have two children eight years apart. With the first, I was in my early 20’s and very inexperienced, not to mention nervous. I thought I had to do everything by the book.
With my second (who is 14 months), my husband and I were much more easy going and self confident. The baby has a temper unlike his big sister, but my husband and I are still more relaxed this time. It is definitely easier the second time around.
Reguarding the germ issue, my son has no doubt had lots of viruses in his short life. I think the fact that he was breastfed certainly kept his viruses very mild. He did not get his first cold until he was about nine months old. I don’t necessarily think that it is bad for babies to start to develop their immune system at an early age.
Conversely, when my daughter was a baby, I bleached everything in site. She was not around a lot of kids and did not pick up much. She didn’t get her first cold until she was about two or three years old. However, when she started preschool at four, she picked up every virus for the next couple of years!
Back to the topic, it is very nice to do the baby thing again and actually have a lot of fun doing it.
By sandy
March 17, 2007 1:43 PM | Link to this
I think that, because each child has his or her own distinct personality inherent at birth, the experience of the parents will depend on that particular child. My first child, a daughter, was a relatively laid-back baby. She slept a lot, cried a little, had a few diaper or vomiting accidents, but for the most part was a joy to have around. It was therefore a shock, five years later, when her little brother arrived. He cried constantly, wanted to nurse every 25 minutes, wet everything and anything that came close, was allergic to pampers, any kind of food but breast milk, hated artificial nipples of anykind (including pacifiers) and created a traumatic atmosphere in our home for the first three months of his life. It was a rude awakening to parenthood, the second time around! Thankfully, his brother (who arrived two years later)was easy-going and laid-back. We had to wake him up to get him to nurse, never seemed to mind anything and even now, 21 years later, still remains a warm and easy-going young man. Three children, three distinct personalities, but still the loves of my life!!
By Penguinmom
March 17, 2007 2:40 PM | Link to this
I think thrid children are just a gift from God. Just about everyone I know who has 3 or more children confirms that your third child is usually cheerful, laidback, cute beyond belief and just fun. I think some of this comes from relaxed parents. I think some of it comes from having 4 people (parents+siblings) watching over you and enjoying you, instead of just 2.
Definitely most parents are more relaxed by the third. You’ve figured out by then that you aren’t going to ‘break’ them. My sister had 4 kids before I had my first so I was pretty laidback with the first but I am definitely even more laidback with the third. (Possibly a little too laidback)
As far as germs, she’s got two older siblings, she’s going to be exposed to lots of germs. But, that probably means she’ll be your healthiest child. Too much worrying about germs can lead to sickness since your immune system never gets to deal with the small doses and then is overwhelmed when a bigger dose comes along.
By Penguinmom
March 17, 2007 2:44 PM | Link to this
Sandy, That is sooo true. When you have an easygoing first child, somtimes its easy to think, ‘why are other parents having so many problems, this baby thing is pretty easy.’ But then that second one comes along and you almost feel like going back and apologizing to all the other parents for thinking that they didn’t know what they were doing.
By Elizabeth
March 17, 2007 4:14 PM | Link to this
I think Life makes sure that whatever your first baby’s temperment, your second child will be completely different. And your third child will be different from the second… Almost no one gets two laid-back kids back-to-back or two high strung kids back-to back…
By past50mom
March 17, 2007 6:11 PM | Link to this
Elizabeth, I agree, my first was easy going, the second was h#!! on wheels, and my 3rd laid back. Now in their 20’s, they are still the same temperments
By Dadoffour
March 17, 2007 6:28 PM | Link to this
Yes, it IS easier after the first child. Erma Bombeck (a family friend) said it right years ago that children are like pancakes. The first one is used to season the griddle and then should be thrown out. Boy, do I miss Erma, such a wise woman!
By Tina
March 17, 2007 11:09 PM | Link to this
@dadoffour, are you from Dayton?
Our second, now 13 mos., was different from the first. Our first was laid back in comparison to his brother. Dear G-D! Our second is either at zero or eleven! That said, I’ve been more at ease the second time around, but also busier and less time to notice the minutae the first one allowed. No navel gazing past the firstborn!
By MOT
March 18, 2007 1:01 AM | Link to this
I don’t know if I was just to stupid to feel stressed or too young or what, but it was fun, easy with each of my kids 1-8, laid back definitely, me the kids and my husband. It was number 9 that brought on the stress though there were reasons. And then the last one, number 10, back to being laid back.
They were all good sleepers. I say that with a qualification: they didn’t come sleeping. They all had the night/day reversal issue. It takes a bit of training them, but by 2 months they all slept through the night and took two - two hour naps every day till they started kindergarten. In 22 years of having one under two in our house we were only wakened maybe a dozen times between all ten and it was times they were ill.
Number nine, I had developed gestational diabtetes with, his blood sugar was low at birth so they asked to feed him a formula bottle, I said of course, without realizing it would teach him to suck the breast wrong. He never got the hang of it, and so was always very fussy since he couldn’t get the milk to come fast enough if at all. With the first 8 kids I had always heard of moms having cracked and bleeding nipples and never knew what that was. Boy was I educated in a hurry! At six weeks it was so painful and bad, the dr. had me go around the house with nothing touching my chest to air dry them for 24 hours. And to feed the baby by bottle. I did, and by the next day my milk was gone! I was so sad. Two weeks later when he was to begin his shots, he had bronchitis, with a fever so they wouldn’t begin the immunizing. One week later he was in Egleston with whooping cough! This was 16 years ago. Poor baby. It is interesting how he has always craved being touched and hugged and getting his back scratched so much by me, I could tell he felt the hole in his little life that was left by not having that complete bonding with a good nursing experience. Pain/stress does affect the psyche of the child.
The more a mom, whether it is the first or tenth, can relax, the better for everyone. I will say that the more kids you have the more stressful it can be from the external surroundings. It takes more work to create non-stress with all the others in the picture. But it can be done.
And I will say about the third baby, and I have heard this from dozens of moms about the third, and dads…the third seems to knock everything off kilter. I don’t know if it because with the two, and two parents, a parent has two hands, things just seem so perfect with two. And then here comes the “third” wheel. But it isn’t just that, even my tenth didn’t seem to add to my work load, laundry load, etc. as much as number three did. It is an odd phenomena for those it happens to. But I agree with one of the other bloggers, number three is so definitely a gift: her personality, etc. And now, she is the wise sibling that all the others turn to for advice and the life of the party. Such a special spirit!!!!
By Jackie
March 18, 2007 10:40 AM | Link to this
MOT — TEN kids! Wow!
I stopped at three and all are now in their twenties. Funny how things really don’t seem to change all that much over the years.
My first was colicky and I thought I was going to lose my mind. The second was so laid-back that he had to be woken up to nurse. Number three (my only girl) was a surprise pregnancy and has been a joy all the way through.
For me, I think that experience and expectations were a big factor. As a matter of fact, I have a saying that I’ve repeated to many first-time mommies regarding germs and stressing out:
“With the first child you will always have three sterilized pacifiers in a zip-lock baggie in your diaper bag at all times in case the baby drops it. With the second child, you’ll pick up the dropped Passie and run it under hot water. With the third, when they drop it, you’ll stick it in your own mouth to ‘rinse it’ off and then put it back in the baby’s mouth.”
That seemed to sum it up pretty well for me!
With regard to the difference between number two and number three, I completely agree — the third one seemed to create more of an off-balance in our family than number two. I think that a big part of it was that I couldn’t have one parent for one child anymore. There was always one parent who had to keep up with two kids. As they grew older, it was more the little things like the fact that most store-bought things like chicken breasts or Pop Tarts come in even numbers in the packages which meant I would have to buy a second package (five of us in the family) or hide the extras so the kids wouldn’t fight over them.
Would I change it? HECK NO! They are all different and all delightful as adults!
By Lauren
March 18, 2007 11:22 AM | Link to this
I agree that the first is probably the hardest because the parents don’t know what they are doing yet. There is so much to learn and when you have your first you fuss over and worry about everything. Our third is now 6 months old and we are much more relaxed each time we bring home a new baby. Our new baby is very patient and knows she lives in a busy house and must wait her turn. Sometimes she just has to cry a few minutes before I can get to her. I don’t think I ever let my oldest cry for more than 90 seconds before picking her up (at least the first few months). The third has been so easy in fact that I am contemplating doing it all again someday. Our second child is a total sweetie pie, but she is very emotional and can be difficult at times, whereas the first and third are more easy-going. I have found that they are born with their personalities, though. My oldest was easy from the get-go, just born happy and ready to have fun. My second is a great kid, but she takes a little while to warm up to people and situations, but once she gets going, watch out.
By Jennifer
March 18, 2007 12:27 PM | Link to this
Our first baby was a breeze, still is. Our second had my husband running to the urologist when she was 6 weeks old for the big V!
By Jo
March 18, 2007 12:42 PM | Link to this
I am expecting my first child in September and I have to say that I am pretty terrified. I have not have any experience with babies and have absolutely no idea what to do. I have a lot of people around to help and support me, but I just hope that I can get it right. I was a laid back baby so I am hoping for the same thing, but will be happy with whatever I get. Any advice that helped you through your first?
By dadoffour
March 18, 2007 1:31 PM | Link to this
No, I’m from Atlanta, my father is from Dayton. He went to Chaminade with Bill B. and Ramon Estevez, if you know who that really is. My aunt is buried in the same cemetery however.
By MOT
March 18, 2007 2:58 PM | Link to this
Jo, listen to your instincts, you will know way more than you realize at this point. And there will be a lot of people who will be more than happy to give advice, and for sure what everyone has to contribute is valid, but remember, every baby is different, every mom is different and what worked for one will not always work for another. I truly believe that God (or whomever you feel is in charge) gives moms a special gift of intuition, so that when you read all the books, hear all the advice, see many examples you can filter out the info and help that which will work for you and your baby.
I have had experiences of having an idea or thought come to me, over issues that had worried me, and just know within me that is the answer and it would be.
I have had experiences like the following: I was switching seasonal clothing for the kids and realized child number 5 who was 4 at the time had not outgrown his shoes and pants over the past year….VERY odd and the red flag was waving furiously! Not more than a day or two later, I read in a woman’s magazine that kids who have enlarged tonsils can exhibit the following symptoms: they snore (I checked yes), they are mouth breathers, (I checked yes), they can have bed wetting accidents (I checked yes), and……..they don’t grow!!! I about fell of the couch… there was my answer! The article explained that enlarged tonsils block the flow of oxygen and will cause stunted growth, and if left unchecked even mental retardation!!! I immediately went and called the doctor. He took one look at his tonsils and marveled that the kid was getting any oxygen at all! The tonsils were gone in a couple weeks. It turned out most of the kids had to have that done and none had been sick with strep throats, it was simply just the anatomy of huge tonsils.
I can’t tell you how many times as a mom that has happened through the decades of raising children. And I have seen it in others too.
If you have read valid books, and done all you can to prepare yourself, and the same for your husband, and if you can have just a little seed of confidence, and you say you have a network of support…that is a huge plus, you will be just fine. IN a very short time that seed of confidence will bloom into full confidence.
I would recommend getting a very good health book to keep on hand. To have a resource to look up symptoms and reassure yourself when to call the doctor and when not to, plus having your network of support is helpful. Make sure you have a peditrician who will listen and take time when you need it, and everything else, it will come. Just DON’T STRESS!!!!
By Jackie
March 18, 2007 4:50 PM | Link to this
Jo, one thing I saw in your comment made me take notice. You said you wanted to “get it right.”
Don’t be afraid of getting everything right. Babies (and children) are much more resiliant than we give them credit for. Our biggest fear as first-time moms seems to be that we will make mistakes. As a result, that fear ends up causing us to be more worried and then we wonder when and whether we should be worried!
Don’t worry! Short of dropping the baby on his/her head, you will find that there is plenty of leeway between the “perfect” answer and a “perfectly acceptable” answer to every problem. So long as you’re in that frame of mind, you and your baby will thrive!
Good luck!
By Lauren
March 18, 2007 5:28 PM | Link to this
I believe Ramon Estevez is the real name of Martin Sheen.
By Melissa
March 18, 2007 9:52 PM | Link to this
My one and only daughter, Elizabeth, was born in 2003. Although I was sick as a dog when I was pregnant with her for pretty much the entire nine months, I was delighted to be pregnant. And after she was born, I was delighted (and am delighted) to be her Mommy. She has been such a joy I’m a little skeptical of having a second child.
By Penguinmom
March 19, 2007 1:17 AM | Link to this
I agree that having 3 kids does throw you off balance more than having 2 does. I do think most of it is going from one-on-one to zone defense.
Jackie - you are so right that the world is not made for odd numbered families. Eating out, cars, food packages, amusement parks, the list goes on. Now that our youngest is no longer in a high chair at the end of the table, we take up two tables at most fast food restaurants. That doesn’t work out too badly though because we put the kids (11, 7 and 3) at one table and my husband and I have a table to ourselves.
Jo, you will be fine as a parent. You won’t get everything right so don’t put that pressure on yourself. But, babies are not as breakable (in body or in spirit) as you think. I tell people that God trusted them with their child’s unique personality and needs for a reason, so trust yourself. Babies are the easy part, save your worrying for the teenage years!
By Fulton County Mom
March 19, 2007 10:59 AM | Link to this
I guess we were different….I had the first one out at 1 week old. I had her in Christmas Eve Services at 2 weeks old. We didn’t get bent about any of it…just sort of adapted.
One thing that is good to do to encourage the proper sleep cycle (mine tried the night owl thing) is to play with them during the day and not even talk/sing to them at night. I did a shhh I am hear and that is it….changed diapers, made a bottle and sat to HOLD I feed the baby (I always held my babies while they were fed no bottles in the bed)…all in the dark (ex just slept on and told everyone the baby was sleeping through the night b/c he never heared them).
Next child was cholic child….UGH! There was never any peace, but still not a stressful thing.
The easy part is now though…put the baby down and she will still be there when you get back. I have to headcounts every 15 minutes to make sure people who are “in my room” are doing what they are allowed to do (ie not writing on the walls, into my jewlery etc)…..
By Kerry
March 19, 2007 11:54 AM | Link to this
My daughter (20 months) was an incredibly easy baby. She hardly ever cried and slept through most of the night. If she woke up in the middle of the night, she just sort of grunted until we heard her. We’re not so lucky now. She’s still the sweetest child ever, but she is constantly moving. She can’t sit still for more than 10 minutes. Last night was the first night in a long time that we went out to dinner and she actually sat still throught the entire meal (although we definitely do NOT let her run around the restaurant). And while she slept through most nights by 2 days old, she now wakes up at 2:00 in the morning and refuses to go back to sleep in her own bed. Needless to say, I haven’t had a full night sleep since I was about 7 months pregnant. I still wouldn’t say she’s difficult though. I know some people have it a lot harder than we do. And I do agree that children feed off of how their parents react. As long as we don’t freak out if she falls down, then she doesn’t either. I was at the Dr. office with her one time and there was a mother holding her 6 yr old in her lap telling him over and over that it would be OK. He didn’t seem all that upset, but it was almost like she was trying to make him worry. And when the nurse came to get him she immediately said “Don’t worry they won’t give you a shot this time!”. He hadn’t even seem worried until she said that. Children definitely feed off of their parents emotions.