MOMania

By lynn

January 16, 2007 09:20 AM | Link to this

I waited 20 years too long! As far as counseling, there’s no cure for him. He was just plain out mean and hated everyone. I think the tipping point was when my mother died unhappy in her marriage. It made me stop and think; am I suppose to be unhappy? Nope, self told me. So I left walking (he took the keys) without a destination - but I was happy. All has turned out well now that I met a complete opposite man to spend my life with. My girls knew how unhappy I was so I think they understood more because of this. It’s been 7 years this July and I’m Happy!! If your not, don’t keep up a false hope that he/she will change. Life is too short to wait. I’m not saying everyone just run out and get a divorce at the first sign of a bad day, just that people don’t change like you think they will, so waiting could be the death of you. I became unhappy somewhere around the 10th year and toughed it out for the kids. Wish I had know how bad I was hurting them by doing that.

By Kerry

January 16, 2007 09:29 AM | Link to this

An affair would do it for me. It seems unforgivable to me because you know it’s wrong before you do it. My sister’s boyfriend just cheated on her and she dumped him without a second thought. My husband actually stuck up for HIM! Said that people make mistakes and that my sister must have done something to cause him to want to cheat. WHAT? A mistake is something that you didn’t mean to do. Or you didn’t realize it would cause a problem. How can you “not mean” to have sex? Idiot. And I don’t care how much I’ve made you mad, you don’t go out and sleep with someone else because you p** off. Trust is the most important thing to me in our relationship. There are other things that could cause a divorce for me, but an affair is the biggest thing that could happen and I wouldn’t even consider counseling. That and any abuse of our child and I’m gone (with our child, of course).

By beth

January 16, 2007 09:30 AM | Link to this

I like to think of the exchange theory: When you are getting more out of a relationship than you are putting in, you will stay. When you are putting more into a relationship that you are getting, you will leave.

Some people have a higher tolerance for crap than others because they have low self esteem and think that man is the best they can do.

By past50mom

January 16, 2007 09:35 AM | Link to this

We’ve been married 29 years next month, and it has not all been rosy, but marriage takes work, and we have matured together and learned from each other. A tipping point for me would be infidelity or physical/verbal abuse.

By Raqi

January 16, 2007 09:49 AM | Link to this

The tipping point for me would be abuse. Whatever type it is I don’t see myself bouncing back to a happy marriage afterwards. Infidelity would fall second to abuse.

By scubber

January 16, 2007 10:13 AM | Link to this

The tipping point would be Malicious acts such as unjustifed murder, incest, arson, abuse of a child, and I sure others. Oddly, an affair does not queue into the listing as I believe that is an offense against the marraige that can be reconciled or at the very least processed for further action to preserve the marraige.

Actions made that counter rules of humanity, as listed above, have the worst effect on me as they act to destroy all networks of trust and understanding.

My wife and I are true to one another and the thought of seeking another outside of our marraige is physically repulsive. However, I know that I would want to work with my wife if she did ever take that type of action. My wife does not afford me the same liberty as we do have differing views on that issue. Her father hust recently discovered his wife of seven years had an active affair outside of their marraige and it led to the end of their relationship. However, he did his best to take steps to preserve the union. The other was reluctant, so he was left with no alternative than to disconnect himself from her permanently.

That does seem to be the most civil way to make ammends and work to see why the other person has decided to step out of the marraige, if not for full disclosure then for your own sanity and healing.

Crimes against humanity would not deserve such regard to seeking common understanding as those actions will most likely never illicit that resolve.

My thoughts of why celebrities split so easily is either for financial security or independence, long periods of separation, and unfair burdens placed on one to manage the home, family, etc. That is asuming that most of these people are human and suffer human issues as us. Inversely, issues that may attribute to celebrity break ups is an avarice lust for everything that shines brighter.

By Tuesday

January 16, 2007 10:36 AM | Link to this

I could not forgive numerous affairs. I believe that once you have made the ultimiate committment to be married, you really should quit dating, especially after the wedding. My husband didn’t stop and now he is my ex-husband.

By Elizabeth

January 16, 2007 10:40 AM | Link to this

The tipping point for me was realizing that I was doing all the work trying to make the marriage work. My husband couldn’t have cared less, was openly contemptuous of me, and refused marriage counseling.

There was only so much I could do on my own to make the marriage work. Both parties have to want it to work. Clearly, he didn’t want to be with me anymore so I let him go.

By Lisa

January 16, 2007 10:45 AM | Link to this

My ex-husband is a sociopath and I got tired of trying to fix him. It was killing me and bankrupting me.

I wasn’t all that angry about his affair. For me, the affair was just a symptom of all the other things that were wrong with the marriage.

By scubber

January 16, 2007 10:48 AM | Link to this

Wait a minute!

Reese Witherspoon is single again?

That may be another reason someone may break up from their current marriage…

But not me, of course. I’m waiting for the phone call from Heather Graham. My wife knows this but feels confident that will never happen. #;-)

By TheOne

January 16, 2007 10:51 AM | Link to this

The tipping/possible killing point would definitely be abuse of any kind….and that includes infidelity!! There would be no need for divorce…after not finding the body for what?, seven years, yep you’re automatically widowed!!! hmmmm….

Kerry….maybe your husbands support of your sister’s boyfriend is a sign….just a thought.

By SexyLeggs

January 16, 2007 11:01 AM | Link to this

I waited 7 years too long. In the past year, when my husband told me “as long as you have a good home life you don’t need a social life,” I knew it was over. However, the straw that broke the camel’s back, after months of going to couseling alone was when he told me I was a “worthless piece of shyt.” That did it for me…no turning back now. See my self-esteem knew this man done lost his mind. It was time to go. I haven’t looked back since (4 months now)….

By Lynette

January 16, 2007 11:03 AM | Link to this

Tipping Point? Interesting choice of words I would have said “Breaking Point”.

I guess for me it was after being a sole bread winner for some time; and his lack of enthusiasm for the job market, finding a Western Union money transfer receipt to a woman he found in a chat room.

Scubber I think it is great that you could forgive an affair. I wonder if you could if it had been brought right into your home, your wallet, or your bed.

By trying

January 16, 2007 11:25 AM | Link to this

There could be thousands of reasons to divorce to me and you but according to the bible there is only one, and if you can work through that one than do it and trust in the Lord for everything else, because when you are married you are blessed. Besides when you put your trust and faith in Him he can make everything that is wrong,right. I guess I’m saying just pray your way through it all. Besides this world is so crazy now you don’t know what you will get or not get out there.

By belle

January 16, 2007 11:29 AM | Link to this

Infidelity, abuse, lack of interest, indifference. Marriage is beautiful and alot of work and those things say dead to me so I’d leave in the event of any.

By Robin

January 16, 2007 11:38 AM | Link to this

After 8 years of marriage I finally told my ex I wanted a divorce. What did it for me was I finally realized that I did not HAVE to live this way for the rest of my life. My ex was verbally and mentally abusive. I am almost certain he had an affair, but that is not why I divorced him. He was literally destroying my soul, and I finally woke up.

By lovelyliz

January 16, 2007 11:38 AM | Link to this

Adultery, addiction or apathy.

By lovelyliz

January 16, 2007 11:52 AM | Link to this

Adultery, addiction, abuse or apathy.

By confused

January 16, 2007 12:01 PM | Link to this

When communication ended and the act of trying to make it work never happen we went are seperate ways…

By confused

January 16, 2007 12:01 PM | Link to this

When communication ended and the act of trying to make it work never happen we went are seperate ways and never looked back!!!

By confused

January 16, 2007 12:06 PM | Link to this

When communication ended and the act of trying to make it work never happen we went are seperate ways and never looked back!!!

By Penguinmom

January 16, 2007 12:08 PM | Link to this

All of this is why every woman needs to be so careful about who she marries. Look at how the man treats his mother, sister, other women. Look at how his father treats his mother. These are really good indicators of how he views women and how he’ll treat you once you are married. Don’t assume that the way he treats you when you are dating is the way he’ll treat you when you are married. If he treats you poorly when you are dating you can be sure he’ll treat you worse when you are married.

Watching Hollywood and soap opera marriages is looking at the worst examples of how to run your life. Instead find a happily married older couple, cultivate their friendship and find out how to emulate them.

By scubber

January 16, 2007 12:17 PM | Link to this

Lynette I sympathize for your pain suffered with your with I presume is your now former husband. I think your query is valid regarding my own thoughts of how much I would be willing to give to forgive when the facts of an affair stack so high to disgusting proportions and belies every fiber of trust you had with this person.

Truth be told, I was once one of those types of persons in my late teens and early twenties. I am now 36 and a completely different, honest and loving person. I had no feeling of obligation as a young adult, possibly borderline sociopathic. Call it only-child syndrome, call it vanity, call it youthful disdain for rules and morals. I was a vulgar, ugly person who got by on looks and charm bee-bopping through life from person to person like Dorian Gray.

I had a soul-crushing breakdown in my mid twenties and did not date for two and one-half years. I was at the worst place in my life, unsure of who I was anymore. I knew what I needed most was to separate myself from people and

During this period I changed everything that disgusted me about myself and made amends to everyone that would speak to me. I rebuilt myself into a person committed to make extraordinary efforts to do right, to empathize, to be honest and to be the best person I can be to myself and others.

When I was 27 I started dating again. And oh man, did Karma have some fate to return to me for my past transgressions. My first three relationships, spanning three years, left me nearly broken. The people that I knew when I began dating changed 180˚ to the most horrible reflections of my past self. I was getting exactly what I gave in my youth. I accepted it and moved on.

btw - Have you have ever watched ‘My Name Is Earl’? I sooooo relate to that character and his Don Quixotian quest to correct his Karma.

I met my wife five years ago, months after my last of the three nightmares I had to suffer through to once again deserve a person as beautiful as her. To answer your question, I have a different sense of self-realization than a lot of people with my own life journey. I know that an affair happens, it will undoubtedly always be complicated. I know that I was given another opportunity in life to find myself and to eventually find my beautiful wife. I feel obligated to empathize and to help anyone who may wish the same opportunity for themselves.

However, if they are not willing to do that, then they must continue on their life journey alone.

By Renee

January 16, 2007 12:34 PM | Link to this

Theresa - I noticed that in your previous blog (Pardon my pregnancy), after you revealed that you slept on a previous job while you were supposed to be working (due to pregnancy) - you never came back to make a comment to all of those offended by your statement.

We read your blog and comment, as we like the different opinions and cherish yours as well. However - when you said that due to your pregnancy you would sometimes sleep while on the job instead of working - that was horrid! Many posters called you out on that and stated that you should have been fired if caught. You never responded.

Feeling a bit guilty? Why did you run and hide? Usually you make comments throughout the day, but you just hid.

Is this what you’re teaching your children? Unethical behavior? When you’re paid to work - work. Making excuses like “others take cigarette breaks” just makes it worse.

When you’re hired to do a job - do it. Don’t goof off. Don’t sleep on the job. If your pregnancy was to difficult, then you should have taken more time off - at least your employer wouldn’t have had to pay you to sleep.

Comments?

By Teacher's Kid

January 16, 2007 12:40 PM | Link to this

Back when we were dating, I told my now husband that there were only 4 things that he could ever do that would make me leave him:

I also informed him that during the time that we’d been dating (about 1 1/2 years at that point), that since he had done none of the above that I trusted that he would not do any of the above. I too also looked at how he treated his mother (he loves her and respects her very much!) and when we went out to eat on our first date (and other dates thereafter), I also noted how he treated the waitress. That’s one of the first ways you can tell on the first date how your date will treat you.

For me, just about anything else other than the above 4 things can be worked out by communicating as adults or undergoing counseling.

By Tuesday

January 16, 2007 12:42 PM | Link to this

Scubber Your last post was admirable. The fact that you took a long look at yourself and CHANGED your behavior. You made me realize there is hope for me. I have been single for 15 years now, and haven’t really met anyone. I’ve changed a bit myself, due to 1) raising a child by myself, and 2) spent alot of time alone and reflected on my past behavior. I feel now that I am a much better person in my late 40’s than 10 years ago. I’m starting to really like ME. They say if you are going to be alone, you need to like the person you are with. That’s me. It’s been a long journey, and now I think I am happy with ME, that I am ready to get out and start dating again. I wish you success in your marriage. I think you deserve your wonderful wife, and she deserves you. Good things do come to those who wait.

By marriage is not for wimps

January 16, 2007 12:43 PM | Link to this

Wow thanks all for your really eye-opening and interesting comments. I think every marriage is different and the dealbreaker is a “depends” situation. As far as celebs, I think a lot of them marry and divorce quite young and is that so very different from the rest of the world? Selfish, haven’t yet settled down, not willing to put in the patience and work, career too important. Who knows why? After reading this past weekend’s AJC article about chore-sharing between spouses with immature people laying unrealistic expectations and pressure on each other … it’s astounding some marriages last as long as they do. Maybe some have more capacity for suffering than others in sticking with an abuser, etc. And you bring your owns issues into the marriage for the other to have to deal with along with their own. My/your problems are “our problems.” For me, I think the dealbreaker would be abuse or addiction. I am a recovering person and my spouse is extremely supportive and gracious. However, during our 14 years of marriage he came down with a chronic illness which has completely changed him and our life together. We are now merely roommates and that really changes the dynamic. Our entire communication has been adversely affected as well. It has been very difficult for me and many times I’ve wanted out but have stuck with it. It’s hard for me because I’m sort of commitment-phobic and a bit of a loner to begin with. And marriage has turned out not quite according to my hopes and dreams. Altho a wonderful and giving person, my h has a certain personal behavior pattern that is very difficult to be around in light of my past issues and struggles with that very issue. It’s been a bitter disappointment that I’ve had to live with this thing I’ve hated in myself all my life. Then I have to remind myself well who said I have a right to expect this or that in my life? Only if you live totally without people or keep them at arm’s length can you have everything just as you want it. I greatly admire those “if life gives you lemons make lemondade” people with a positive attitude no matter what. I think that has a lot to do with whether or not your marriage works. It has a lot to do with what kind of person you are and your own attitudes, apart from the marriage. Sorry for the longwinded philosophy session.

By scubber

January 16, 2007 12:50 PM | Link to this

Theresa Your comments yesterday about finding a secret hideaway at work actually humored me. I understand the newspaper business much like advertising is not about working 9-5, but about meeting your deadlines. Of course accountability and availibility are important, but we have no problems letting pregnant coworkers have more latitude to make the necessary accomodations to reamin on the team, on the task and before their deadline is more important than falling in perfect protocol with the rest of the staff.

It humored me because I worked at an agency years ago, before dot.bomb, where I discovered a hidden bathroom in our photography props warehouse adjacent to my office. It was hidden behind a stack of doors. Over the course of several weeks I began to fix up the room as it had a thick layer of dust, crud and stains. After a several more weeks, still undiscovered for my covert actions, I began to move a magazine rack into the room, I rewired the in-wall heater so it would operate, and stocked the room with nice soaps and handtowels. A few weeks later I had a chair and jury-rigged ottoman in their and would take the occasional lunchtime nap far, far, away from the maddening crowds and world of advertising. The company went south in the late nineties, and I was subsequently laid off. I often remembered how happy the place made me feel. Not the job, but my secret bathroom hideaway.

I received a call from my creative director months later, laughing. He said that they had uncovered my secret lair while emptying the warehouse space and could tell by the address labels on the magazines that I had made this space. He said it lifted his spirits and asked me to keep in touch.

I occasionally still do freelance work with him and owe it all to some goofing off on company time.

Meeting crucial advertising deadlines on time since 1991!

By Jesse's Girl

January 16, 2007 01:03 PM | Link to this

Mr Jesse and I were just speaking of this yesterday. In the 40’s and 50’s…a wife’s point of tipping was almost non-existant. Her husband could run around and the wife would stay out of duty to their children or to simply save face within the community. While we both agreed that this was often the case,( and that thankfully women aren’t so resigned to that kind of life anymore) we also decided that now-a-days….marriage is simply not cherished as it once was. Starter marriages come to mind…running at the first sign of trouble. My grandmother would compare a good marriage to a good farmer….not every season is going to yield a hardy crop. But when a bad one comes along, you don’t just up and stop farming…you keep at it. I’ve always liked that notion. Short of abuse or repeated unfaithfullness, there really isn’t much that would cause me to seek a divorce. I know I will take some cyber-crap for this one…BUT…I think that even the one being cheated on bares some responsibility for an affair. Not every time, but mostly. Infidelity does not happen in a vaccuum. There are almost always warning signs. However, you do have the random cad that just likes to be a ho. In that case, there really isn’t much that can be done. All in all, I see way too many people treating marriage like a car they can trade in. Its a shame. And for anyone that looks to Hollywood for an example deserves whatever misery comes their way. For better or worse used to mean something….I wish today’s husbands and wives had tipping points that weren’t so easily tipped.

By Play that funky music whiteboy

January 16, 2007 01:13 PM | Link to this

For me personally it was in the parking lot of a couples counseling facility. My ex and I had been married a little over two years, had dated a year and a half before that. 4 months prior to the “parking lot” incident, she woke up one morning, looked at me and said, “I don’t love you anymore”. Nothing had happened, no fight, no financial difficulties (things were really starting to go well there), no warning of any kind. From that point on, things were stressful. I tried and tried to rekindle the spark, give her space, give her attention, to no avail. So in the parking lot after a counseling session that dealt completely with me, my hangups, my past, my problems.. which was eye opening and self enlightening.. the next time was her turn. She turned to me and said, “I’m not coming back.” I knew then and there that I was the only one trying to make this work, she had “left” 6 months ago emotionally. From that moment forward, I didn’t attempt to make it work. I focused on making the divorce fair and equitable (it was) and getting on with my life, which included repairing a broken heart. When the love is gone, that is the time to walk away - good ending, I’ve been happily married now to a wonderful woman going on 6 years and we have two gorgeous sons 2 years old and 3 months old.

By Lynette

January 16, 2007 01:26 PM | Link to this

Scubber,

Yes I am long since divorced. Darling hubby; here after to be referred to as Cro-Magnon man, was as self centered and egocentric a man as one could ever hope to run across. Due to the fact that I have rather conservative religious views, I stayed in the marriage for a while longer than many might have. I had many reasons for hanging in however, every one of them were killed off the day I discovered that his mistress had been in contact with my young daughter. Today he is long gone and we live well.

Scubber, you are to be commended for addressing the issues you had in your life.

By Jesse's Girl

January 16, 2007 01:34 PM | Link to this

Hey Funky White Boy…..good for you for knowing when and how to be a gentlemen in a not so gentlemenly situation. I cannot imagine how difficult your marrital and self discoveries were. I am very glad you are happily married now.

By Theresa

January 16, 2007 01:38 PM | Link to this

Dear Renee – I wasn’t hiding from you. I was ignoring you. After a year and half of doing this blog, I have learned that fighting with some people isn’t going to do me any good. You’ve got your mind made up, and I’m not going to change it no matter what I say. However, the cluelessness of some of your comments makes me feel compelled to partially reply. Renee, have you not figured out that my former employer is my current employer? Would I really write about it for the AJC if I thought they would have a problem with it? My boss then is my boss now. I worked for the AJC for three years editing two sections for them. I worked well more than 50 hours a week as a salaried employee. Believe me when I say that any of my bosses down there would tell you that I was (and am) an excellent employee. I never miss deadline. I always get my work done and am extremely conscientious. On my deadline day, I would get in at 9 and often work until 10 or 11 at night to get two sections closed out and that was 9-months pregnant. If I needed to rest for 30 minutes then I was going to rest. If the AJC felt I was a slacker in any way, do you think they would pay me do this job entirely from home?

By Lynette

January 16, 2007 01:50 PM | Link to this

Jesse’s Girl,

Perhaps you would like to share some insight into exactly what blame the injured spouse has in infidelity. I am curious. As a former injured spouse I would like to know what I did wrong. But wait I know! I can tell you how we are to blame. We do not work hard enough. We grieve the loss of loved ones too long. We don’t look the same way we did all those years ago. We refuse to participate in humiliating and degrading sexual activities. We were worried about feeding and caring for our children instead of making life a cake walk for the cheater. I guess I was to blame, I mourned, I worked, I took care of my children, I demanded respect, I stopped buying into a stinking attitude that put Cro-Magnon man at the center of his own universe, I asked that he get a job and go to work instead of spending 18 hours per day on the internet with his new “real friends”.

Jesse’s Girl let me tell you that adultery is at root a self centered act that puts ones immediate needs above any vow the adulterer might have made, any need their family has, any repercussions be they emotional or physical. They may tell the injured spouse it was all their fault but at root is good oldfashioned selfishness. During the darkest season of my life my husband turned on me, according to you I had every good reason to cheat. The difference between he and I was self-respect.

By marriage still not for wimps

January 16, 2007 01:52 PM | Link to this

I think a lot of it is not placing such high expectations on one’s mate, but on oneself. Both ought to give 100% and work hard to BE the best mate and be forgiving and accepting. If you basically have a good person, not perfect but definitely marriage material, a lot of it, as in Jesse’s Girl’s post about the grandmother, depends on giving it time and not bailing through the routine problems. The emotion of “love” will ebb and flow and shouldn’t be grounds for a split. In my marriage there have been plenty of times I didn’t feel “in love” or even like. But I have a good solid person who loves me, shares my highest values, and is responsible. Plus I took the vows 14 years ago and somehow - amazingly to me, I might add - I’ve kept them, throughout many ups/down, better/worse, sickness/health.

By Jesse's Girl

January 16, 2007 01:52 PM | Link to this

Well said Theresa….is the AJC hiring?:)

By scubber

January 16, 2007 01:54 PM | Link to this

Cheers Theresa! When I describe my creative process to people - trips to bookstores, a movie at times, buying music, etc. - They get the false impression that my job is easy. But when they find out that I have not worked less than 50 hours per week since the mid-nineties and have not taken but a handful of ‘official’ lunches during that span, they get a better picture of the trade-offs of having freedoms in your profession. I go to work when it is dark and return during the same.

If a pregnant cowroker needs to take a nap to stay on task and meet their deadlines, then I will fluff their pillow in order to help get our work done. Not all jobs are the same. I do not punch in and punch out on a fixed schedule, nor does anyone else in advertising. What you have to do to get the job done on time is your own task to resolve and we are fortunate to be in professions that admire that individuality in that regard.

By InTownGal

January 16, 2007 01:57 PM | Link to this

Way to go Theresa! I am not a Mom, but sometimes do check in with your blog, b/c it is entertaining and insightful. I am surprised how judgemental some of those comments were yesterday. You are a working mother and worked while you were pregnant, commendable! Thank you for your honesty and your humor.

By des

January 16, 2007 02:03 PM | Link to this

Don’t sweat the small stuff Theresa. It seems to me that some people that blog are blogging to go against the grain and just plain mean.

By lynn

January 16, 2007 02:07 PM | Link to this

You go THERESA…I was waiting on you to tell that idiot a thing or two. Can you ban her from here? I’ll even say “pretty please”.

By des

January 16, 2007 02:07 PM | Link to this

@lynnette - With all due respect, we get that you had a lemon. But many times people do not see, much less admit their own shortcoming in a marriage. They take what hurt and rationalize that they could not have possibly caused anything, it must be the other person. It takes two to make a marriage (you married him) and it takes two to break a marriage.

By Haply Married

January 16, 2007 02:10 PM | Link to this

My dad used to tell me a joke about a farmer who was taking his sweety for a ride in his buggy. The horse stumbled and tipped the cart a little. The farmer replied, “that’s one.” A little further down the road and the horse tripped again. “That’s two,” said the farmer. When they were almost to their destination the horse stumbled and almost fell. “That’s three!” the farmer cried. He pulled out his shotgun and shot the bumbling horse.

“Why on earth did you shoot that poor defenseless animal?” the sweety cried. “Why you should be ashamed of yourself for doing such a thing,” she ranted.

Calmly, the farmer turned to the woman, looked her straight in the eye and said…

“That’s one.”

Moral: we all have our breaking points and they all differ greatly. By the way…he’s up to #2 so far. grin But it’s gotta be a really, really bad thing to get me to #3. I don’t take the numbering system lightly. We’ve been blissfully married for 14 years. He’s a keeper.

Shotgun gone.

By Neglected

January 16, 2007 02:17 PM | Link to this

I don’t know if this would be considered a tipping point for everyone, but how about when your spouse just isn’t interested in you sexually anymore? It has been a couple of years since my husband “lost his drive”. I am just now coming to the heartbreaking realization that this isn’t going to get any better. BTW, I look the same as when we got married and we are in our thirties.

By jeff

January 16, 2007 02:20 PM | Link to this

Divorce makes me very sad. I used to not think about it at all years ago. But since then I have gone through a divorce that was my fault with 2 young children involved and that broke my heart. I remarried 5 years ago and now we are close to divorce (her fault).. I find my self hanging on to her though due to my lack of self esteem (she was successful in destroying my self esteem).. Anyway, I hate divorce. So date the person for 2 or 3 years and do not sleep with them until being married or as close to it as you can. do not be with someone just to be with someone. Be Choosey. attraction is huge I know, But marry your best friend. I want to find my soul mate and be her best friend.

By BC

January 16, 2007 02:24 PM | Link to this

Neglected: Could be that he just lost the drive for you….has he been acting “differently”? You may want to talk or even see a doctor…30’s seem too young to lose “their drive”.

By Jack

January 16, 2007 02:31 PM | Link to this

Well the first way in my opinion to having a successful marriage is to have God as the head of your marriage and home.

Second would be to communicate, truly care about your spouses feelings and opinions, have respect for your spouse, be loving towards your spouse, have discussions instead of fights, realize that everything in a marriage is “ours” and not your own, be willing to compromise, be free flowing with compliments instead of critisizm, be romantic, be intimate, be honest, be true, be faithful, give yourself to your spouse in a selfishness manner, dont be manipulative, think before you speak and act because words can hurt and be very damaging, be humble and be willing to say “sorry” and mean it, Tell your spouse everyday how much you love them, how much you appreciate them, and how lucky you are to have them in your life, have date nights and quality time with your spouse away from phones, work, kids, responsiblity, be best friends not just a married couple, be passionate towards your spouse, be spontanous, do something special on a frequent basis for no reason such as picking up a rose on the way home from work for them, a love note, candel lit dinner at home then a candel lit bubble bath, pray together, be tender, be understanding, be forgiving.

Marriage takes work and is not for people that quit or take easy way outs in life. You have to want your marriage to be successful. Mariage counseling if needed is a good option, if both people have a desire and love to make it work and are willing to understand that both people have to take responsibility and make necessary changes if needed. However, the best marriage counseling is the counseling before you actually get married. Divorce in my opoinion is a last resort. But their are always exceptions such as physical or mental abuse, child molesting, ect. you get the picture.

A important key in a marriage is understanding and accepting the differences in your spouse. “I’m committed to meeting your emotional needs, your sexual needs, and all your needs in life; and i honor the fact that you’re different from me”

1 Corinthians 7:3, the apostle paul says, “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

A good website is www.marriagetoday.org

By Stacey

January 16, 2007 02:33 PM | Link to this

My honest answer to today’s question is “I don’t know.” Fortunately, I haven’t been through some of the things that others have mentioned. Some of the things that I have been through are things that I would “never” forgive, yet, here I am.

As others have pointed out, marriage is a whole lot of give and take. I have made (and forgiven) a lot of mistakes and I’m sure I’m not finished on either accord. I didn’t go into marriage with a “if this one doesn’t work there are other fish in the sea” attitude. After 15 years, we are healthy, happy and still learning new things about each other.

By scubber

January 16, 2007 02:33 PM | Link to this

Neglected My wife is currently in her doctoral program that, for her profession, is one of the longest with exception to medical physicians. She is a straight A student who has taken on the extraordinary tasks of two GRAs, a part time job in her profession, and volunteering. All the while in her residency period of her studies. Her closest companions for seventeen hours a day is a laptop computer, textbooks, research journals and notebooks.

I too know some of your pain as intimacy is often non-existent with her schedule. I am sure that you have confronted your mate with your needs as I did. I was fortunate my wife did hear my concerns, but I wonder if your husband did the same for you?

It seems the norm to suggest medication for such problems, but have you tried? I found that separation makes the heart and, um, other parts grow fonder. Have you ever taken a weekend or one-week vacation away from each other? It may provide satisfactory results. If his condition is medical, I hope he has sought help.

By Jack

January 16, 2007 02:35 PM | Link to this

Dear Neglected, go to the following website and read it, they have great stuff on how to get back your sexual needs and alot of great books on marriage and cd’s and dvd’s. You dont have to be religious for this website to be a huge benefit for you.

www.marriagetoday.org

By leslie rimo

January 16, 2007 02:40 PM | Link to this

RENEE, I am almost positive that you are the life of every party!!! What are you a bully? Calm down butch

By Jack

January 16, 2007 02:45 PM | Link to this

Sexual fulfillment in marriage requires that both partners commit themselves completly to each other in good times and in bad, despite their differences. A husband must yield his body to his wife for her use and for her fulfillment, and a wife must yield her body to her husband in the same manner, When they do, the resulting intimacy and pleasure they experience is phenomenal.

Giving ourselves completely to meet each others needs is a beautiful picture of God’s design for sex within marriage-two servants who are in love and fully committed to each other.

By LDG

January 16, 2007 02:55 PM | Link to this

Renee….pssst….Renee…..mmmmmm I guess she must have run away and hid.

I am a 40 year old mother of a 22 month old son. When I was pregnant I had to find a place to lay my head down for a few minutes. I was totally wiped out. The 15 - 20 minute nap revived me perfectly. I actually used my bosses couch to lay my head down one of those times and I don’t feel a bit guilty. He would have been fine with it. I cannot imagine working for someone who would find something wrong with someone, anyone who is not feeling well, to lay down for a short time.

Renee, I don’t believe anyone said anything about laying down for hours on end. You must work for a tyrant.

Thank God I have a great employer.

By leslie rimo

January 16, 2007 02:56 PM | Link to this

Oh and NEGLECTED WIFE, you might want to make sure he isnt a porn addict.That might be the reason he isnt interested in you anymore.You might be very suprised what goes on when you arent around.

By Lynette

January 16, 2007 03:05 PM | Link to this

Let me be really clear! You cannot use another person actions, or lack thereof as an excuse to commit some evil! That is called accountability.

Yes I had a lemon. But I still say there is no excuse for infidelity except selfishness.

No one is perfect! In any good marriage there will be those days when you want to chuck it all and join the circus. You just got to be an adult a do the right thing.

By Stars

January 16, 2007 03:05 PM | Link to this

Well, my parents divorced when I was 18. They had been married for over 20 years, but my dad loved drugs more than he loved my mom. What finally pushed her was him hitting me. The cops did nothing. We went to the courthouse to get a restraining order against him so that he wouldn’t come near me. Then she filed for divorce the very next day and she never once regretted it.

So from that experience, when my fiancee and I are married, and we have talked about this, if he ever hits me, I’ll never look back. The same thing goes for cheating.

By Redwing

January 16, 2007 03:10 PM | Link to this

An affair. When I found that my wife was having an affair, I filed for divorce, and custody of the four children, and she did not contest it. In fact, she never bothered to come and see the kids for 12 years afterwards.

By Virginia

January 16, 2007 03:26 PM | Link to this

My “tipping point” was finding my husband logged into gay chat room. He gave me enough of an excuse so that I felt like I had to put my kids first and stick it out. My “breaking point” came 18 months later when I found his extensive history of gay computer porn. The psychologist who testified for him at our divorse/custody trial testified that most men were a little bi-curious. Really?

By Jack

January 16, 2007 03:28 PM | Link to this

I wake up in my wife’s arms every morning, I put a rose on my pillow for her so she see’s it when she wakes up, I tape a love note to the bathroom mirror for my wife, kiss her softly on the lips, go to work and antisipate all day for when I can go home so I can hold her in my arms, whisper softly in her ear how much I love her and then cuddel up with her to find out what kind of day she had and how can I make it better.

I leave work early one day without telling my wife, go home, take rose petals from the front door to the kitchen, the kitchen to the bathroom and the bathroom to the bedroom and then some on the bed, cook my wife a candel lit dinner, run her a candel lit bubble bath with girly bubbles from bed bath and beyond, bring her a glass of wine to drink while we are laying in the bubble bath, I dry her off, pick her up and lie her on the bed and make intense love to her, wake up the next morning, cook breakfast for her, hae her sit in my lap so I can hug on her and feed her, then we go spend the day together.

I pour a glass of wine for my wife, cuddel with her by the fire, communicate, talk small talk and laugh together until late in the night, then I tease her, take off her clothes with my eyes adn then with my hands, passionatly kiss her as I softly caress her beautiful face, then I make intense love to her, then I lay down with her in my arms and go to sleep.

I am married to a very beautiful woman who is my life, my backbone, my best friend, divorce would never be an option

By Tuesday

January 16, 2007 03:29 PM | Link to this

Redwing Now that makes me mad as a hornet. I have spent the last 15 years raising my child alone. I just don’t get how anyone could turn their back on their kids. My ex did, we have not seen or heard from him in close to 10 years. I know you understand the pain the child suffers. I came very close to putting my child in counseling. She was so young, and just didn’t understand why all her friends had a daddy, but she didn’t. Thankfully we worked through it (great family/friends support) and she is a wonderful, well-adjusted teen aged girl, getting ready to turn 16 in a few short weeks.
I simply could NOT imagine my life without her, even though I did it alone. I wouldn’t trade one single minute of it!!!!! Kudos to you for raising your kids!!!!

By Tuesday

January 16, 2007 03:35 PM | Link to this

Jack Why aren’t all men like you? I feel the flusters………swoon, swoon. If I had a man like you, let me tell you, you would never leave the house!!!! Let alone the bedroom……

Every woman dreams for a man like you. And I bet every man on this blog now hates you…….LOL

By marriage is hard

January 16, 2007 03:37 PM | Link to this

Neglected: You have an undestanding ear right here. After 4 wonderful years of being married passionately to my best friend, he got a chronic illness which totally changed everything for us including robbing our physical life and impacting our wonderful companionship and communication. 10 years later we’re still virtually dormant in that area and it’s been a real test of that better/worse part I said in front of God and witnesses 14 years ago. In the end, there really are worse things altho I never would have thought I would say that. I don’t know the reason for your present “hiatus” but I hope it gets better. We also had a porn phase and yes, that could definitely be a reason. Good luck.

By just wondering

January 16, 2007 03:43 PM | Link to this

where’s Renee? Thank you Theresa for putting her in her place…so judgemental. SMH

By BYUGIRL

January 16, 2007 03:44 PM | Link to this

Neglected: Ironically, I was in a similar situation. I’ve been married for 10 years and the neglect started after 5-6 years of marriage. It got to a point where I was keeping track of how often. It consumed me. I kept wondering whether or not he found me attractive, although he constantly told me I was attractive. I wondered if he was in the closet, although I didn’t see any signs. I wondered whether or not he was having an affair, although he gave me no indication. I was considering divorcing him but decided to stick it out for our son, who absolutely adores his father (and vice versa). The thought of disrupting their relationship was disturbing and filled me with guilt. I always told my husband that it was really sad that I was going to leave him for something he didn’t do, not something he had done. I finally decided to take a different approach. I stopped hounding him and started doing things that made me happy. I planned short week-end trips, shopping and dinner dates with my sisters and girlfriends. These events took my mind off of the humiliating situation at home. Because, I was happier it seemed to make him happier. Things are so much better (not perfect). Divorce is no longer in the picture for me and I honestly look forward to growing old with him, but I will continue to have “me time”.

By Barb

January 16, 2007 03:45 PM | Link to this

Unfortunately, for some people (most of whom are female) there doesn’t seem to be a tipping point. I’m an attorney and I have known women who will put up with numerous infidelities, drug use (and drug traficking), financial irresponsibiity, abuse…. What keeps them in the marriage is the hope that the men will change, despite all the broken promises in the past.

By Jesse's Girl

January 16, 2007 03:46 PM | Link to this

Geez Jack……I’m a diabetic over here! Have some respect!:) Seriously…it is great that you love your bride so openly. Mr. Jesse is the same way. He messes up every now and again( but so do I)…like forgetting my birthday. Or me forgetting Father’s Day. But we are best friends….I have been in love with him since I was 16 and he was 18. He’s never taped a love note to the mirror, but he does wash my hair!

Lynette…..I did say I would burn someone! And I did say there were exceptions. We will just have to disagree about the basics of this argument. I come from 2 broken marriages….mother was divorced when I was 3 and again when I was 17. I know what adultery can do. I also know that neither my mom nor my step father were as dedicated to the marriage as they should have been. I think being attentive is key. Doing things for the other that may not make much sense to you…but because it matters to them, you do it. For instance…Mr Jesse LOVES to shoot. I could take it or leave it. But I go with him because I know it means something to him. He goes antiquing with me…even though he would rather pluck nose hair…just because he knows it makes me happy. Marriage is definitely give and take. I have one word for everyone…..BALANCE. And a raging sense of humor comes in handy as well.

By Erica

January 16, 2007 04:15 PM | Link to this

Wow…what a heavy topic…but it got me thinking.

Marriage is a series of contrasts. It’s one of the most beautiful, most difficult, rewarding, at times challenging relationships one can ever have in their lifetime. I’ve been thinking a lot about the institution itself, as I’m watching/watched several of my dearest friends go through very tough divorces. I think it takes a special ability to really hang in there through good and bad times, both a commitment to the person and to the marriage, and yes, to the family you’ve built. I think at the heart of it all, you and your spouse have to be friends and value each other as such. I once read that most people treat their best friends very differently, and with more respect than they do their own spouses. It got me thinking… why say or do something to your spouse that you wouldn’t dare pull on your best guy or girl friend. And that has to go both ways.

I don’t think anyone can predict what your breaking point will be until you hit it. For me, there are some things that will REALLY get me really close to that point, which are infidelity, major dishonesty, major selfishness. I also think that having children in a marriage really has to make you think long and hard before making any final decisions.

My husband and I were recently talking about why is it that our grandparents and parents were able to stay together for 30, 40, 50 years. He thinks that for them it wasn’t as simple to end the marriage as it seems to be for us now. I think that they simply understood from day 1 that they were in it no matter what for the long haul and settled into a “no way out” mentality and made their marriages work. Maybe some of their tenacity may be worth considering for our generation.

By Justin

January 16, 2007 04:18 PM | Link to this

Does it really matter to women what the breaking point is when it comes to ending a marriage? Women come out on top in the event of a divorce anyway. Give me a break!

By Jack

January 16, 2007 04:20 PM | Link to this

Dear tuesday,

Why did that Redwing make you mad about his ex wife leaving him and the kids? Yes woman can be dead beats just like men can.

I must confess that I was married before back in my early 20’s, I am 36yrs old now. I had 2 daughters with my ex wife, who was addicted to drugs so I had to go.. However I fought like hell for custody of my daughters and 7yrs later, Im still fighting in court fro them. I have joint legal and physical custody of them, get them every thursday to monday morning, pay child support faithfully, and believe me I show my daughters what a awesome godly filled home and family is all about. My daughters know they have a loving, caring, understanding father who is their for them, loves them and takes care of them.

I have know been remarried for 4yrs now and have 2 more beautiful daughters with my wife. I thank God for my wife everyday, she is so incredible, she is my strength second to God, she is my backbone, my passion, she is a awesome mother, an awesome wife, everything a man could only dream of. Dont get me wrong, we argue and have storms but my ego never comes out, I say sorry even if it wasnt my fault that we argued, Even when we argue or have disagreements, I still remember how special she is to me, how lucky I am to have her part of my life, how lucky I am to be married to her, how lucky I am to have her as my best friend. With God as the head of our home, with us praying together, no arguement, no fight, no disagreement can be overcome and our love for one anouther will never decrease or die and our intimacy will never be affected.

My wife is my life, my rainbow in the rain, my smile in the tears, my laughter in the frown, my strength in the bad times, my muscle in times of weakness, my rock…..

When my wife cries because of something that has upset her or hurt her, I cry with her, then I dry her tears streaming down her cheeks with my soft kisses.

By Justin

January 16, 2007 04:22 PM | Link to this

Jack, If you do all that, your wife is still probably not happy because she probably views you as a wimp! Most women want the world and then some…

By Justin

January 16, 2007 04:29 PM | Link to this

Jack, I must apologize…I see why you treat your wife the way you do. You had a bad first wife so you learned a valuable lesson, avoided the bad women and found a gem the second time around. I understand your fight for custody. It is sad that even when a mother is a bad mother she can still get custody over a good father.

By Jesse's Girl

January 16, 2007 04:37 PM | Link to this

Justin…you have a point. As sweet as Jack seems to be, women do have an inner craving for the tough guy thing. My man is a really good mix of both. There is no one I would rather fight with or make up with:) I’m sure Jack has his selfish moments…we all do. And try as we might, we still end up hurting the one we love most. But Justin..honey…you come across as very jaded. Now granted….there is no creature so capable of inflicting pain as a woman…I admit it freely. But we are not all evil, wicked dames! I hope you find yourself a woman who makes you so mad you can’t stand it! But at the same time one that brings out a little bit of the Jack in you.

By Jack

January 16, 2007 04:48 PM | Link to this

Dear Justin, Apologie is accepted. See justin, I didnt have a bad first wife, love should never be regreted or taken for granted. I had two beautiful daughters with her. She had a habit that I dont approve of, she wouldnt quit so I moved on. Also just because I fought for custody and still fighting for custody doesnt make her a bad person or unfit parent, I am still fighting because I believe with my values, morals and godly home that I can give my daughters a better home than my ex can. My ex wife needs love, acceptance, forgivness and alot of prayer. Arboring a bitter feeling, a regret, will only destroy you and nobody else. Its okay to feel sorry for someone but to hate or be bitter is wrong..

My father, my mother, my sisters, my bible, my God, my christianity is who taught me how to treat and respect a woman. My life mistakes helps me to improve but they dont teach me anything new.

By Smoove B

January 16, 2007 04:59 PM | Link to this

To my lady (she knows who she is): First, I will pick you up from your house in a white limousine and take you to the finest dance club in the entire city. The people at this club will be attractive and the beats will be crazy. We will not be in the club for a minute before we get on the dance floor. Even though the other people will be good dancers, we will be the best. When you bump, I will bump. When you grind, I will grind. We will move together like twins who happen to like to freak.

When you have had your fill of dancing, I will take you by the hand and lead you to the most romantic corner of the entire club and sit you down on one of the plush, red-velvet couches. While you rest, Smoove will go the bar and purchase a drink for you. Before I bring it back to you, I will taste it, demanding finer gin should it fall short of my expectations for you. Also, I will ask for less ice so that your gin and tonic is not diluted.

While you sip your drink, I will stroke your hair and tell you such complimentary things as “You are like a fine statue carved out of brown marble,” and “Your eyes are like pools of creamy Italian butter,” and “You have beautiful shoes.” You will know that I mean these things because they come from the heart, and the heart is always true.

At this point, we will go back to my place, where I will prepare a dinner specially suited for one as lovely as you. While I am cooking the meal, we will talk about your life, your hopes, and your dreams. At this point, I will unthaw a deluxe bag of jumbo shrimp for you to sample as the appetizer.

There will also be cocktail sauce.

Finally, my dinner of lobster, shipped to me that morning in only the coldest of ice from the finest lobster region in all of Maine, will be completed and placed on the table. Along with the lobster will not only be melted butter, but also side dishes. Some of them will be corn, peas, and baked potato. When the meal is over, we will have dessert and coffee.

At this point, you will be so turned on by this night of dancing and lobster that you will be dying to sex me wild. But instead of taking you to my bedroom to knock boots, I will build your desire even more. I will do this by leading you to my living room, where I will light a fire and hand-feed you the finest strawberries available. If you do not enjoy strawberries, I will have other types of berries at my disposal that can be fed to you in a sexy manner. Between bites, I will offer you sips of champagne in a glass made specifically to maximize your champagne-drinking pleasure.

As much as you want to, you will no longer be able to control your desire. Neither will I. This is when I will lead you to my polar-bear-skin rug so we can do it all night long. You will cry for more, and you shall receive it. I will hit it until you can take no more. Then, when you are 100 percent satisfied, I will stop. After that, I will kiss your belly button and tell you how beautiful you are until you fall asleep in my arms.

Top that Jack.

By Jack

January 16, 2007 05:03 PM | Link to this

Justin: I grew up with 5 older sisters so their was alot of estrogen flowing in my house. I had no brothers and a very hardass father. Justin sorry my man but you do seem jaded. Let the brick wall down and let the bitterness go.

Women are so awesome!! Trust me their are alot of awesome women out in the world. Their is nothing better in life than to have a women you can love, cherish and spend your life with..

Sorry bloggers but their is nothing wrong with treating a woman with the upmost love and respect. The way I choose to treat my wife does not make me a wimp in any way. Women who experience the true since of love and the true since of a Godly marriage would never want the tough guy ever again. Sorry but the tough guy will never be able to treat a woman in a total respecting way. He will never value her feelings, he will truly never understand what he has with who he has, he will take her for granted.

By Donna P.

January 16, 2007 05:05 PM | Link to this

I have been married 10 wonderful years and I still love my husband to death. We are great friends and we work daily at our marriage by communicating and listening to each other. My tipping point would be if he EVER HIT ME. We fight and sometimes, we throw things and he hits walls with his fists but never me. That is my tipping point and he knows this. We also don’t push each other’s buttons when we fight. You have to establish boundaries that you wouldn’t cross even when fighting. Words hurt and when you fight, we all say things we wish we hadn’t. We are both from divorced parents with our single moms raising us. We don’t want that for ourselves.

By Jack

January 16, 2007 05:15 PM | Link to this

Hey SMOOVE B: What the hell bro, you are completly disrespecting the girl in your little want a be story. First sex and intimacy is not like a wild horny animal. Sex is intimate, pure and romantic. You will hit it? damn bro what is this woman a car that you accidently hit? She will cry for more? A woman doesnt beg or cry for some a* thats all about getting a nut after a night at a bar. Its not the sex that a woman wants more of its the closeness, intimacy and romance. I am great at eating kitty but thats not what truly keeps her desiring sex with me. Then you bring this woman to a loud bar that is a meat market, with tacky velvet couches that a pimp would love..

You go boy, I envy you.. Hey if you start your own company teaching how to treat a woman, hit me up, im their…

By Jesse's Girl

January 16, 2007 05:37 PM | Link to this

Sorry Smooth….you’ve got nothing on Jack. He is more of a Marvin Gay while you are more like Sexual Chocolate from “Coming To America”

By Terri

January 16, 2007 06:29 PM | Link to this

My “jump the shark” moment happened when his girlfriend called. Done.

By Bree

January 16, 2007 07:13 PM | Link to this

I think there are several breaking points: mental/physical abuse, cheating, refusal to compromise, LYING, not working/laziness. There are good men out there, as I am married to one. However, I had to pray to find him. I had dated every kind of trash there was before turning it all over to God and I got the love of my life. There are a lot of dirt bags and scum out there, and that goes for men and women. The signs to whether someone will be a good spouse or not are actually all there, but people don’t want to pay attention to the red flags when they see them, and they should. Some have to learn the hard way, but a marriage does not have to be hard. It can be beautiful and fun.

By Lee

January 16, 2007 07:20 PM | Link to this

There is no absolute, but I think we can all agree that physical abuse is definitely THE END. If it happens once, it will happen again if you let them. The only way to prevent it is to remove the risk. Stealing, I’d say, is another one. Everything else is negotiable. The question I ask at every argument or trouble is, “IS THIS WORTH ERASING THE HISTORY?”. So far that answer has always been no.

By Jesse's Girl

January 17, 2007 07:12 AM | Link to this

Ok wow…..I just read some of the banter between Jack and McSmooth….boys, you need to keep it clean. This is not Creative Loafing.

By bellamomma

January 17, 2007 10:13 AM | Link to this

Ok. Wow.

My husband has had an affair. I chose to stay with him. It actually saved our marriage. We weren’t speaking to each other for months and did every thing we could to avoid each other. I had Post Partum deppresion and literaly drove him away. I told him to leave so many times that he finally did. In the end our love for our children made us decide to work it out. We still argue, I still get upset when I think of what he did, but I made the right choice.

The breaking point would be him harming my kids. My mother left my father when his affairs and drug abuse left them with no money to feed me. After she dug in the sofa cushions to find enough money to buy me a can of soup she kicked him out and sent me to my grandparents for a couple of weeks. she remarried less than a year later.He is great and has always been here for me and is more protective of me than my bio dad. My dad has never really changed but I love him for all his faults

I will never let anyone put my kids through that.

By Cindy

January 17, 2007 10:42 AM | Link to this

From someone who KNOWS. I’ve not read the other comments and I won’t now. However, I’ve been married for 20 years as of this past November. I am at the tipping point. We’ve had our hurdles and we overcame most of them. He’s a good man deep down. Over the years we’ve gone to counseling and it has helped. However for some odd reason, he began drinking seven years ago. SEVEN years ago. It now is a daily practice and it’s to the point that we cannot even have a meaningful conversation. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving. I still love and care about him, but I’m not a spring chicken anymore and I’ve given him seven years to straighten himself up. Twenty years is a long time to throw away, but seven years with an alcoholic is seven years too long. We have two teenagers too. It is worth noting we’re a clean cut very middle class family. It’s not only the poverty stricken that has family problems such as this. The kids are ready for the divorce also. The only thing we’re all concerned about is what will happen to him. :(

By Stacey

January 17, 2007 10:57 AM | Link to this

Cindy…I feel for you. My father’s alcoholism drove my mother to drink and as a teenager, I had a lot of resentment towards her for not leaving him. Twenty years later, I still have some of the emotional and mental baggage. Fortunately, I’m not dealing with that in my marriage but I have dealt with enough to understand that it isn’t easy to leave.

By friendster

January 17, 2007 11:17 AM | Link to this

forgive me for my off topic comment, but i want to ask some advice from you ladies. i have a friend who is trying to lose weight. she is in a rigorous workout program and needs encouragement. do any of you have any ideas of things i can do to let her know i am rooting for her and to encourage her to keep up the good work?

By lynn

January 17, 2007 11:27 AM | Link to this

Cindy, is he going in & just having a few beers or a couple cocktails in the evening? Just curious cause I’m married to a guy kinda like Jack :)(woo hoo) but he loves his beer. He averages 5 to 6 every evening but I’ve never seen him drunk. I don’t have a problem with his taste for beer but some people, whether religion or just self beliefs think everyone that drinks is an alcoholic right off the bat.

By beth

January 17, 2007 11:30 AM | Link to this

You could encourage your friend by offering to take walks with her, and by not bringing fatty foods around her or talking about the big plate of spagetti you had the night before.

And if you’ve never been fat, don’t act like you understand, because you don’t. Just be a listening ear when she gets discouraged. And don’t be the food police. If she falls off the wagon, let her know its ok and she can get back on the next meal.

By bwhit

January 17, 2007 11:45 AM | Link to this

In my opinion everyone has a dark side. You think you know someone, but get separate or divorce and that dark side is really going to come out. When someone doesn’t need you any more or vice versa watch out. My marriage lasted 13 years.

By Jack

January 17, 2007 12:05 PM | Link to this

Hello everyone.. On the topic of drinking, I personnally only drink wine and just on the weekends with my wife as we have our alone time after the kids are in bed. If a spouse wants to drink, as long as they understand their role in the marriage and it does not interfere with their marital responsibilities than it is okay. Being an alcoholic I belief would be a problem adn would interfere in the marital responsibilities.

If the drinking spouse still respects and treats the spouse like they deserve to be treated after 1 drink or 10 drinks than its okay. If their personality changes in a negative way or mean way when they drink than its not okay…

By interesting

January 17, 2007 12:13 PM | Link to this

Ok, we’ve been married for almost a year and a half. He is a great, hardworking, sensitive and affectionate guy and a good father too.

My issue is that he smokes pot every nite. He had a terrible history of drug use long before I met him and he thinks it is a good thing that he smokes just a little, even though it is EVERY nite, after the baby goes to sleep. He refuses to compromise and cut back to a few times a week. We actually had a pretty big fight about it this morning. He wants me to stop nagging about it ( I do bring it up a lot) and I want him to cut back.

Our evenings are so short as it is, and he spends at least 30 minutes a nite outside. I think we could be spending that time together.

This will probably be the tipping point in our marriage. I keep telling myself that everything else is great, just look the other way, but this one issue is like a pebble in my shoe.

By hello

January 17, 2007 12:23 PM | Link to this

Interesting, did anyone ever tell you that smoking pot is ILLEGAL? This could cause serious repurcussions for YOU and your family if hubby gets busted. Not to mention the health risks and time apart from you. He obviously values his time with weed more than you. Wake Up! He’s not going to change. This would definitely be a deal breaker for me. If they do it before you marry, it ain’t going to change.

By windy

January 17, 2007 12:25 PM | Link to this

My Fiance and I had our First marriage counseling session yesterday evening. With our Pastor and First Lady. Many people approach marriage from different angles and for different reasons. You simply have to know what and who you are getting and know if you will still be there with the same LOVE etc., should this person every become contrary to who they are.

By Jack

January 17, 2007 12:46 PM | Link to this

Dear Interesting:

Sorry but sometimes their is a thing called tough love. And sometimes very difficult life changing decisions must be made. When a spouse confronts, (which must be done in a loving, polite, understanding, calm, manner)the other spouse with something taking place in the marriage that they feel is a problem or potential problem and there is no positive reciprocation then its time to step back and re-think.

You must be careful in how you handel the situation. First never tell your spouse to stop doing something, no demands, thats disrespectful. Second, dont fight or nag about it.

Tell him why you feel the way you do about his everyday pot smoking. Tell him that you love him and respect him but would like for him to cut back, that you would like that pot smoking time used as alone quality time for the two of you. Let him also know that you feel like the pot is causing a marital problem within the two of you. Then leave it alone, if he doesnt respond in a way that shows you that he cares about you, your feelings, the marriage, then make a tough decision.

I divorced my ex wife for this exact reason. I do not arbor any bitter feelings toward her nor do I dislike her. I can tell you that even something as innocent as pot smoking can and will cause big problems down the road. You have a baby to think about, so you have the responsiblity of protecting your feelings and your babys feelings not to mention life. What happens if the cops catch him buying his pot? What happens if the cops pull him over for speeding and he has his pot and the cops find it and arrest him? What happens when your baby gets 10yrs old and he smokes it in front of the child? What happens if the baby grows up and by accident sees him smoking it? What happens when the baby becomes a 2 year old toddler and he leaves the pot on the coffee table and your child eats it and dies? Just some food for thought..

By harold

January 17, 2007 12:57 PM | Link to this

If she ever tries to make Harold get rid of his girlfriends, then that’s it for her!

By Jack

January 17, 2007 01:00 PM | Link to this

Dear Interesting:

One more thing what happens if someone such as a neighbor, friend, enemy for whatever reason decides to call DFACS? True story, this girl I know got into a fight with a acquintance that knew her husband smoked pot everyday, she called DFACS they came out and investigated unannounced, smelled the pot, then saw roaches in the ashtray, then they took the kids away and it took 1 1/2yrs to get them back. Think about it… Its not worth the heartache

By des

January 17, 2007 01:17 PM | Link to this

I don’t want to be cynical, but I can’t help but wonder. Some of you guys posts make me wonder if you are showing your “sensitive side” to join the conversation and “get into our heads”. Sounds like a load of crap, but maybe not. Just thought I would ask.

By hello

January 17, 2007 01:18 PM | Link to this

Jack you keep telling it like it is. I hope Interesting is listening.

By what the heck?

January 17, 2007 01:47 PM | Link to this

Des, I’m glad you said that. I was thinking the same thing (load of crap), but since everybody else was eating it up, didn’t want to bring it up. Thanks for doing that.

By Sunny

January 17, 2007 01:53 PM | Link to this

I personally see nothing wrong with smoking a little weed every night. Hell I do it, and I have done it just about every day since I was 19 years old. I am a responsible adult, who works very hard, pays taxes, raises my kids, etc. I much prefer that to alcohol ANYTIME.
All it does is relax you. It’s not addicting, no one has ever robbed a store to get money to buy more weed, and you would be surprised how many people you know who do smoke, but don’t let on. It’s natural and grows in the ground. God meant for us to have weed. Marijuana should be legalized. It’s not a harmful drug, it’s not a “drug” at all. This stupid war on drugs is an absolute waste of time, energy and money.

By Da Kimmer Sucks

January 17, 2007 01:59 PM | Link to this

Neglected- I’m not sure if anyone replied with this answer or not, but your husband who has supposedly “lost his drive” might very well be cheating. In your posting you said you have not changed physically during your marriage -forgive me for saying this, but as a man sometimes its the variety that is the turn on. It’s like if you own a Porsche (which is a beautiful car) you might want to try a Ferrari or a Benz. I’m not condoning it in any way. I take a look at someone like Donald Trump and see him hop in and out of beds with all sorts of beautiful women. You would think he would be content with just one, but no way

By me too

January 17, 2007 03:10 PM | Link to this

I hear ya Sunny! Been doing it 25 years and have never hurt anyone by doing it. Hubby doesn’t care for himself but doesn’t nag me about it. He sees for himself it just makes me more relaxed and best of all a little more intense in bed. In fact, when im having a bad day he usually suggests for me to sit back and relax with one.

By Reader

January 17, 2007 03:56 PM | Link to this

Sunny, Me Too, etc: do you understand the term illegal? What about DFACS, or foster care or felony ?? Do you truly have a hobby that is worth more to you than your children?

By me too

January 17, 2007 04:02 PM | Link to this

Dear Reader, don’t have kids here and not planning on it in the future.

By disillusioned

January 17, 2007 04:40 PM | Link to this

i recently found out that my wife was smoking pot with a “friend” both swear that “nothing happened” but i think i’ve found my tipping point

By Stars

January 17, 2007 04:52 PM | Link to this

Too bad weed eats up your brain. I’ve seen the MRIs (I work in a hospital) and they are pretty gross. That’s why me and my fiancee stopped and stopped doing all the other junk we were doing as well.

By interesting

January 17, 2007 05:20 PM | Link to this

I thank you for your comments. Today has been extremely hectic for me so I haven’t been able to respond. Now’s not a good time either. I have a feeling we will be having a discussion tonite during dinner about this morning and his activities. We will see how that goes.

By Teacher's Kid

January 17, 2007 05:31 PM | Link to this

Interesting: CALL A LAWYER AND GET OUT NOW! What your husband is doing is illegal and his activity will drag you down as well. Not to mention the fact that DFACS could be called in by someone who knows what’s going on and you could lose your child! WAKE UP!

By eye roll

January 17, 2007 06:44 PM | Link to this

Theresa

I think it was more the way you presented it…the idea that it was entitled to you…I mean my boss lets me take exteneded lunch to see my kids, that is not something that I use “calndestine” measures to make work…it is a gift and I am grateful to have a boss that lets me do it.

As for today:

Tipping point: when he picked up a dot matrix printer and threw it at my head then said he was trying to scare me.

(learn the signs of an abuser…he liked to sneak up and “surprise” me…like while I was shaving my leg)

Breaking Point:When my (now ex) MIL said she knew her son would never hurt a fly and did not believe he would raise a hand to me <——he broke my stuff, threw things, but not her son….

Point of Relief: When he finally walked out.

By eye roll

January 17, 2007 06:51 PM | Link to this

let me clarify

Tipping point is the point where only some monumental acts from the otherside are going to tip the scales back to me wanting to be there.

Breaking point: the point where nothing done by the otherside would get the scales set equal again.