MOMania

By GaNative

December 13, 2006 09:59 AM | Link to this

Anytime I put a roof over the kid’s head and food on the table, I have a right to discipline them. If the ex objects, let him come get em and take em with him. That’s why it’s really critical to consider the consequences of marrying someone with baggage. It’s really hard to discipline a kid when the ex is telling them he better not say anything or do anything to you. Now the ex never says “he better no do anything FOR you”. It’s no wonder soooo many stepp kids tell their step dad “SHUT UP, U AINT MY DADDY”. I’m just thankfule I’m not caught up in that mess.

By past50mom

December 13, 2006 10:13 AM | Link to this

Marriages are partnerships in which both parents, step or orignal, share the parenting duties, including discipline. Both parents need to work together, and not against each other. You deserve as much respect as you show for yourself, for your spouse and for your children.

By Richard

December 13, 2006 10:14 AM | Link to this

If the child lives with me, then you better bet your sweet @ss that I’ve got a right to discipline that child and guide that child as I see fit. If I’m the “father-figure” in the house, then let me act like the father. If the ex has a different opinion on a particular matter, then we’ll try and work it out.

Say the child is a girl and the ex (real dad) says it’s okay for her to date at 14. If I don’t think it’s right for her to date until she’s 16, then she’s not going to date until she’s 16 - when she’s with me. If she goes and visits him and he lets her go on a date, then its none of my business. BUT, when she’s with me, then she’ll act as I believe.

By meme

December 13, 2006 10:40 AM | Link to this

A stepparent should have absolutely no say in the life of a child.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 10:43 AM | Link to this

Richard, it’s not that easy. My daughter in particular just turned 15 and is for the most part a well balanced teen (go figure). Her step dad spoils her to no end and loves her like his own. What’s the problem then? I don’t know but I wish I did. She came back from a weekend with her dad & out of the blue said she was thinking about moving to his house. We both were stunned and after doing some snooping, crying and investigating we found out she suddenly has a problem with her step dad butting in (so she says) when we’re making family decisions. Yes I say family because if she wants to go on a ski trip with the church that costs over $500, then guess who’s helping pay? I work and make good money but as with most households (not all) he’s the primary income producer. He has no problem spending on her and has never let her go without, so where in the heck did this come from? When I mentioned it to her bio father he simply stated that he has no business butting in anyway, but the bio father has no problem with him paying for every thing she gets and driving her around from sport to sport every evening. My husbands feelings are extremely hurt right now and I don’t know what to do or say to either of them. I can’t be the only one going through this and to all the men that say I run the house-they’ll do what I say…BULLCRAP!!! It doesn’t work that way.

By Wednesday

December 13, 2006 10:46 AM | Link to this

Then there’s the “don’t touch my kid”. I have seen numerous situations where the Mom has remarried, and the stepfather is not ALLOWED to disclipine the stepchildren.

I’m on the fence about this one. I am a single parent, but the ex is no where to be found. So when I do re-marry (positive thinking), I don’t think this would be an issue. But I would like to see what the other posters have to say.

By Kelley

December 13, 2006 10:46 AM | Link to this

Love me, love my kids. I was very selective when I remarried to make sure my husband would treat my child as his own…and he does. And when he needs to step in and discipline, he does…and I back him up…although, he does leave the majority of it up to me.

Unfortunately, my ex married someone who hates the fact that he was married before AND has a child. So she continuously rides my daughter’s a##. Just as an example of how crazy she is when it comes to her stepchild, when my daughter was younger and would visit my ex for the weekend, his wife would make him keep my daughter in the basement as much as possible because she couldn’t be bothered with her. And even as recent as last weekend, stepmother and their daughter ate at the table, she told my ex and daughter they should eat in the basement. Since it is obvious that she hasn’t/won’t embrace my daughter, I don’t think she deserves any say in the discipline as it is more out of disgust than love. The real shocker is that my ex puts up with it!

By KMorgan

December 13, 2006 10:46 AM | Link to this

As the eldest child in my family, with a younger sister still living with my Mom and step-dad, I have witnessed the struggle first-hand. My sister had a VERY difficult time at first listening to my step-dad, but he was very patient and understanding… it’s tough for a child to take instruction from a new person, especially when the prior example of a father was not a good one. I believe a step-parent should be able to discipline, but they have to understand that they can’t just waltz in and expect to be listened too… respect must come first.

My step-dad has earned respect from my little sister (key word: earned) and now listens to him and respects his advice.

By Kay

December 13, 2006 10:48 AM | Link to this

This is a huge problem is homes today. As for us, I think my ex has actually went as far as to tell my kids NOT to listen to my husband. They actually do the opposite and listen to him which makes the ex look crazy. He is not here raising them on a daily basis and me and my ex are responsible for them. I think he has a bit of jealousy and may miss his family. I ask this question, if he thinks I’m a great mom then why think I would let someone come into our lives that isn’t equally great?

Now what if the child was about to stick something in the light socket and the husband didnt say anything and just let the child do it, would the ex be okay with discipline then?

It takes a villiage to raise a child. If the husband is not allow to discipline and he’s raising whether it be financial, emotional etc. then what makes a teacher any different? Teachers aren’t the kids parents either. You can’t explain why the new husband can’t discipline but the a teacher can.

This father is obviously holding some type of grudge or jealousy.

By GATransplant

December 13, 2006 10:48 AM | Link to this

Why is this an issue? If the step parent has the best wishes of the child’s welfare in mind when disciplining the child, the missing bio-parent as well as the present bio-parent should welcome the fact that this person cares enough to get involved. How can a bio-parent expect to successfully live in a house with someone that they ask to help feed and be there for their child, while removing him/her from the disciplining of the child. Couples raising children together bring a balance to a child’s life that the child can not gain from one parent. Either a parent is too lenient or too strict, which is where the balancing act comes into play. How can you allow the absent bio-parent to reduce efforts of the step-parent, when it is in the best interests of the present bio-parent, as was the case in the article, and when it is ultimately in the best interest of the child?

If you have a psycho on your hands attacking your child for no reason, that is a completely different story that requires that you get away from the psycho.

By Slim

December 13, 2006 10:50 AM | Link to this

Lynn That’s a tough one, but I wonder if the bio father said something to the daughter to make her suddenly want to move in with him. These situations can be very tricky. I support your side, since your new hubby is so good to your daughter (you are very lucky). I think your ex may have a bit of jealously over the new stepparent??

By KMorgan

December 13, 2006 10:52 AM | Link to this

In response to Lynn’s comment, I used to see the same thing when my siblings would go to my dad’s house. They seem to be the one’s stirring up the trouble. And you’re right… they don’t seem to have a problem with the step-dad providing for the child, both financially and as a good father-figure. If a teacher called and told the father that his child was acting up, he would most likely give them permission to discipline the child, so why can’t the step-dad? In my opinion, they need to let go of their ego and let the step-dad help raise the child.

By Kay

December 13, 2006 10:53 AM | Link to this

Kelley,

If your ex allows his new wife to do this, you should stop her from going over there.

By Kelley

December 13, 2006 10:54 AM | Link to this

Lynn-

Don’t lose too much sleep over this. My daughter used to think her father (my ex) hung the moon yet we were the ones providing most of the emotional, physical, and financial support. All I ever heard was “Daddy this…and Daddy that.” Now she is 18 and off to college. And who does she want to be with? Me. She rarely even stays with her father now…she sees right through her father and the wicked stepmother after all these years of me biting my tongue. I knew one day she would see it but it had to be her realization. Chalk up your 15-year-old’s decision-making to her youth. Generally this is a very selfish age and right now she wants what she wants. If she is a good kid like you say, in time, she will see the error of her ways.

By Louisiana Girl

December 13, 2006 10:56 AM | Link to this

My husband disciplines my son, even though he is not the bio father. Fortunately, the bio father is not in the picture, so there is no “baby daddy drama” and my son thinks of my husband as his dad.

I think what happens is that the “adults” have not dealt with their own feelings after the divorce so they do or say things to cause stress for the ex, not realizing the damage they could be doing to the child. It should not matter whether the step or the bio disciplines, as long as the child is being taught right from wrong.

By Kay

December 13, 2006 10:58 AM | Link to this

I agree GaTransplant, allowing the absent parent to reduce the efforts of the stepparent is not good for the child. Alot of children grow up confused about who to listen to when we put them in the middle of our mess. If the childs best interest is at hand, then it shouldnt matter.

By Kelley

December 13, 2006 11:01 AM | Link to this

Kay-She is 18 now and rarely visits him because of the BS. She does like to visit her little half-sister so she does want to visit. I didn’t want to deny her father his time with her. And quite frankly, she was probably better off in the basement instead of upstairs with the jealous stepmother.

By Stacey

December 13, 2006 11:01 AM | Link to this

Although I have never had nor been a step parent, I believe that anyone who is responsible for providing care for a child has the right to discipline. Like GaNative, I know someone who tells the child to talkback to the stepfather (father does nothing for the child). The mother is the disciplinarian in the home but donor doesn’t want the stepdad to even tell the child to do his chores.

By Ed

December 13, 2006 11:08 AM | Link to this

The stepparent needs to be both patient and realistic. I married a woman who was in the military and also the mother of a five year old boy and twelve year daughter when we married. Her military career meant that she often had to be gone from home for periods of time with me, the stepfather, in charge of the house and also in charge of their welfare and needs too. The bond between the younger one, the boy and myself, was quicker. We were able to connect on the level of sports and video games and doing things we think of as ‘guy things’. However, with the daughter the bond was not as quick to form. More times more than once she reminded me that my role was a stepparent and not a ‘real’ one. I was patient and let time run its course. I picked my battles wisely and often placed myself in their shoes to be able to appreciate their perspectives. Afterall, here was this strange man in their house telling them what to do. Sometimes it was an excercise of good common sense that came to the rescue. There’s some growing pains and adjustments you have to get through, then it is possible it can work out for you. Fast forward twenty years and we’re a happy family and although legally I am still the stepdad I am called Grandpapa by my stepdaughters two kids and their ‘real’ or biological grandfather is called Big Daddy.

By Kay

December 13, 2006 11:10 AM | Link to this

My solution for this problem, which I’ve experienced, I stopped them from going over there before. When he told my son not to listen to an adult, which we are the ones raising them every single day, I stopped them from going until he came to his senses. People dont realize the damage and confusion you can do to a child by telling them this. The bio father need to respect the household rules since this is where the kids are majority. If not then, youre out for causing problems. Hell, the kids have enough to worry about at school and with growing up without having to worry about the constant back and forth of parents.

By abc

December 13, 2006 11:11 AM | Link to this

If the child resides in the same house as the step-parent, the step-parent must participate in all parenting, including discipline. If an ex has a problem with it, tough. If the ex influences the child negatively, too bad, occupational hazard.

If the step-parent lives with the non-custodial parent of the child, the step-parent should butt out completely.

By Jack

December 13, 2006 11:15 AM | Link to this

This is a very hard subject for alot of different reasons. I have 2 beautiful daughters from a previous marriage and my ex wife lives with a guy out of wedlock that I feel is a man I would not want to be a father figure to anyones child. Unfortunatly the court system has not established and probely will never establish laws pertaining to this subject. Unfortunatly it is something no one can control. The only thing you can do as the bio parent is to parent the child to the best of your abilities when you have them show by your actions what your family values are about. Show your children what family and parenting are to you. Such as love, respect, values, self respect, self worth, discipline, boundaries, morals ect.. As long as the step parent does not physically or mentally abuse my children then whats the harm of co parenting the children in the home? When your children gets to a mature age they will be able to decifer what parent, whether it be the bio parent or step parent that they can get the best guidance, advise and family values from. Thats why the courts say that the judge will take a strong consideration as to what parent they want to live with when the child becomes 14yrs old. This is a hard subect for me because I am a christian man that attends and serves in the church, my ex and her live in boyfriend do not attend church and have no biblical teaching about them. The only advise I can give is that if someone feels like the step parent is physically or mentally abusive then take your ex to court and see if you can get help through the law and court system. Otherwise let the step parent discipline your child as they see fit because like I said the child once of mature age will figure things out. Everything should be based on whats in the best interest of the children. Please be the adult and be mature when it comes to parenting children. Never discuss any adult issue in front of children and never put the children in the middle and never use children as pawns. If you really want to be proactive join a non-custodial parents rights group or fathers rights group and try to change legislation to improve the family court system. I know from experience that the family court system in Georgia needs to be reformed in a big way. If you feel like the ex and the step parent are not rearing your child the proper way than hire an attorney and take them to court for custody. It’s horrible when you know that your children are being raised in a poor environment and you do not have the money to hire an attorney because unfortunatly if you represent yourself then your bound to lose… I feel a step parent does have the right to parent a step child as long as they are not abusive physically or mentally and as long as their teachings, parenting, advise does not lead to bad advise or morals. Such as telling my daughters that its okay to have sex at 13, 14, 15, 16 or as long as their parenting styles are not to lenient. Children need discipline, rules and boundaries for thier own protection. My wife is a GREAT step mother that I allow to parent my children of my previous marriage however if she was to ever do or say anything out of line to my kids than I would talk to her about it and would make sure that it never happens again.

By Peridot

December 13, 2006 11:21 AM | Link to this

I have seen some REALLY good, loving and supportive step-parents in my time. Growing up, I had friends whose stepfathers treated them as very well, if not better, than their own bio-kids. I guess each situation is different.

My brother is re-married and his 2nd wife tries really hard with his kids — and the kids adore her, but she is always stepping on my ex-sister-in-law’s toes. They work it out, though, for the sake of the kids — and that’s what’s important.

I have been married to my children’s (bio)dad for 15 years. For me, having someone, who is not my children’s father, living with us has always been out of the question. I’ve always said that if something happended to my marriage or my spouse, I would not remarry until my children are grown and out of the house.

People are so weird anymore — you just never know what kind a person you’re getting with. The thought of an unrelated man living in my house with my beautiful teen daughter (and son)creeps me out.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 11:22 AM | Link to this

Thanks to all on the comments back. @Slim, yes jealousy is part of the problem I believe. I left him 7 years ago & he’s yet to date let alone marry. He’s a miserable person so that make’s sense to those who know him. My daughter did change her mind after I reminded her why she left his house in the first place but I can’t play cat-n-mouse games with her forever. Her step dad is a wonderfull person and has no children of his own so naturally he wants to help raise her and bring her up with his values and believe me, his values are much stronger than her fathers. @Kelly, thanks, that’s a little reassuring. I just want her to show some love and appreciation to the one guiding her the most in a fatherly figure way. And yes, selfish is what I told she was being but she doesn’t see it that way. Obviously dad has said something to distort her thinking and hopefully it’s a temporary thing.

By Ashleigh

December 13, 2006 11:24 AM | Link to this

My parents divorced when I was 19 and I’m now 21. My brother is now 13 and is not really taking a liking to my mom’s boyfriend. My mom is totally in love with this guy and wants to marry him and there has been talk about it. If her boyfriend comes into the picture, that’ll be a sad day at Mom’s house. My brother goes over to my dad’s almost every weekend and they both just sit there and belittle Mom and her boyfriend to the point that it’s sickening to hear them talk that way. I know for a fact that my brother wouldn’t listen to the boyfriend if he ever became his step-dad. He thinks very little of this guy and it’s sad to see that because my brother blocked out all of the horrible memories of what my father used to do to us.

The boyfriend would discipline my brother with an iron fist, which is what he really needs since my dad just lets him do whatever he wants. When he comes home, he’s a total brat to the point that I just want to back hand him sometimes when I come over and visit.

I totally agree that if the step-parent has the step-child living under their roof, they have a say so in disciplining. It’s not about whose child it is. I think it’s about actual child rearing and teaching a child to be the best they can be.

For those saying that step parents don’t have a say-so in discipline, I was wondering if the same attitude applies for people that adopt children?

By Donna Outlaw

December 13, 2006 11:27 AM | Link to this

I have been raising my stepson for over six years and have my youngest of four still living in my house. If we’re going to live as a family unit, they will be disciplined by both parents in the family unit. We have rules that apply to both of them equally and we will not get into the trap of “You’re not my parent so I don’t have to listen to you.” My stepson’s mother has visitation every other weekend and lets him do whatever he wants to do. The only backup we get is from her mother who is very aware of her daughter’s lack of parenting and helps by providing backup when my stepson tries to play all of us against each other. You can not have a family/home that has different rules for the kids. It simply doesn’t work.

By Amelia

December 13, 2006 11:31 AM | Link to this

I think it greatly depends on the age of the child. I was 9 when my mother remarried, but my father had always been very active in my life. When my stepfather began trying to tell me what I could and could not do, it was infuriating.
I also think it is important to define what one means by “discipline.” Do you mean spanking, grounding, taking away privileges, allowance, or what? I don’t think it is ever right for someone who is not the mother or father of a child to physically discipline him or her. I think the discipline should in all cases come directly from the biological parent. If the stepparent feels the child should be disciplined, it should first be discussed with and carried out by the biological parent only.

By GaTransplant

December 13, 2006 11:32 AM | Link to this

I am not the bio-father of my daughter, who I have helped raise since she was 3 years old. She is now 15 and will be 16 in just a few months. We don’t use the word (step) to describe our relationship. At one time, I was the only working adult paying for everything in her life. I have had times when she has returned from a visit and thought less of me than her bio-father and I have had times when she has returned and I have been called by the bio-father’s mother, who initially didn’t like me, and spoken to with new found respect. I have even gotten presents and hugs from the bio-father’s mother. I get along well with the bio-father and always have, so there is no drama between us. I don’t bad mouth him and he doesn’t bad mouth me. I am taking care of his daughter.

When my daughter was visiting a friend, who had a child and a step child she came away with words that the children were using like ‘my real dad’ and suddenly called me ‘step-dad’. I didn’t protest much but told her that I have a brother who has a different mother, but he is not my step brother, he is my brother. I predicted that the family would have problems and as months passed by that family fell apart. They were well on their way because these words are meant to draw lines. Being a family is about not drawing lines that separate but finding ways to intermingle and communicate.

My feelings were hurt a few times because of all that I have done for her but I am not made of glass. In time, she realized how important a figure I was in her life and we currently don’t have any issues.

By meme

December 13, 2006 11:33 AM | Link to this

Some of you are talking about mom’s boyfriends or dad’s girlfriends. They are not stepparents. They are just interferring adults.

By meme

December 13, 2006 11:38 AM | Link to this

Being a parent who adopts is a legal obligation. Being a step parent is not.

By very wicked stepmom

December 13, 2006 11:38 AM | Link to this

I married a man who had 4 children from a previous marriage, and get this, they all lived with him !! My husband’s ex had basically walked away from him and the 4 kids for an affair with a 16 year old boy (she was 31 at the time it happened). As soon as the ex realized (through the kids, no doubt) that we were getting serious, the stunts started: she systematically poisoned the children (ages 6, 12, 14 and 16) with comments about what we should have done or didn’t do. I entered the situation with no kids of my own, but had strong family ties of an intact family, and I felt like I knew pretty much what was right and wrong, and the guilt of divorce wasn’t clouding my judgement. Not too long after we married, the onslaught started — the kids would do stuff just to cause a problem, and we would naturally react/discipline. The ex told her oldest son that she didn’t want anyone else being a mother to her children. Well, she should have stuck around to do it herself, she didn’t even ask for custody. There were times when I didn’t know if we could stay married because of all the turmoil she caused, but we did the right thing and stuck it out. The kids are all grown now, and the ex still tries to make them miserable about their dad’s remarriage, even though it’s been 17 years! Yes, I disciplined them, and I think I was right to do it, but it wasn’t easy and was downright unpleasant at times. I sure wasn’t waiting on the ex to approve or disapprove what we did. She is the last person I would ask for an opinion.

By Ashleigh

December 13, 2006 11:41 AM | Link to this

I think it’s fair to talk about the boyfriends or the girlfriends, meme. There could be a high chance of marriage to the bio parent. And there are also instances of instinct of discipline when someone is acting up of say, a son or daughter back talking, which is highly uncalled for and the boyfriend or girfriend says, “You can’t talk to them like that.”

I don’t know..this is a pretty touchy issue today. Both sides are right on some aspect.

By Jack

December 13, 2006 11:46 AM | Link to this

Sorry but after reading some of these blogs I must say this. Just because the father does not have primary custody does NOT make him anyless of a parent. Myself and many other fathers take a very active role in their childrens life’s. Also myself and many fathers financially support thier children through child support which is law and they buy their kids alot of clothes and other things above the child support. Myself and many fathers also pay for things such as trips, sports, extra curricular activities, that is on top on child support. So please stop saying the step father is financially giving to your kids, that does not make him or give him the right to parent a child that is not his. What gives him the right to parent a step child is his ability to be a good parent such as love, respect, values, morals, loving the child as if it were is own, ect… A step parent can be a better parent than the bio parent and NEVER financially give one cent to the kid. Many fathers would give anything to have primary custody. I personnaly think shared parenting, where both parents would have the children the same amount of time and no one would pay child support is a better way but Georgia’s family court does not agree, however 24 other states do agree with it. Sorry but some of the blogs upset me.

By meme

December 13, 2006 11:48 AM | Link to this

There may be some chance of marriage, Ashleigh, but it probably isn’t very high. I, however, don’t think that even if they were married to the parent that they should have a say in the discipline. That is just my own personal opinion and I realize that most of the people on this blog do not agree with me.

By Jesse's Girl

December 13, 2006 11:48 AM | Link to this

Unless Mr. Jesse was beating me daily….I’m just not the divorcing type. I know that all of you who have gone through one have no doubt had astonishingly valid reasons. But all this drama just drives my point home that divorce should be an absolute last resort. I come from a twice divorced home….once at 3 and again at 17. So I know the pain from both age perspectives…..it sucks. And so many divorces happen because the man and woman just give up. Again, I know that most of you on here probably had serious issues that lead to the divorce. I just wish more people would stop approaching marriage like they were leasing a car…..”I’ll trade up soon.” I know this doesn’t directly go hand in hand with today’s topic…..but thats my two cents.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 11:52 AM | Link to this

Peridot, your last comment really threw me off. You don’t think that your best judgement would be enough before you allow another man whom you trust and love to come into your house until your children are grown and gone? I did and hey, I made a better choice of a significant other the second time around. For your sake I hope nothing ever does happen to your marriage because that could be a very lonely life to live without the love and touch of another.

By Peridot

December 13, 2006 11:52 AM | Link to this

As far as discipline goes — the boyfriend/girlfriend vs. steparent issue is HUGELY different. If I were single and dating, no freakin’ way would I allow my boyfriend to discipline my kids.

By Jack

December 13, 2006 11:56 AM | Link to this

Also one more thing. I do NOT think that a boyfriend or girlfriend should parent or discipline any child period. Who is to say that that boyfriend or girlfriend will still be in the picture a year from now. It is already emotionally hard for a child coming from a broken family, why put the child through the emotional *ell of mommy or daddy bringing many different boyfriends or girlfriends in their lives and expecting for them to accepting them to discipline them? Thats bad parenting on the bio parents part. Only let step parents ( meaning you are remarried) discipline your children and only if they properly discipline them..

By Michele

December 13, 2006 11:57 AM | Link to this

A step parent is NOT a “new daddy or mommy” and has NO say in how a child that is NOT biologically theirs should be raised, disciplined etc…

I don’t care how much money the step parent brings into the house. Money doesn’t equal the right to have a say.

I am married, but if I ever got a divorce I won’t get re-married because I have 5 children to think of.

By Shirley

December 13, 2006 11:59 AM | Link to this

meme, you have an outdated and unworkable view towards step parents. OF COURSE the step parents at the very least, have a say in the disciplining of the child! In today’s world when combining families is more commen than ever, BOTH sets of parents should work TOGETHER in the rules and discipline. Whichever roof the child sleeps under, they must abide by those rules, PERIOD! Problematic es’s are the ones that cause the problem. The biological parents are not together anymore. ACCEPT IT! Saying the child does not have to listen to the step parent (assuming he/she is rational and level headed) is insane and putting the child in control. Children already have a knack for disrespecting authority figures without people like you pouring gas on the fire. If you don’t think they should listen to the step parent, keep the child at your house 100% of the time. Some parents attempt to turn the children against the step parents and that is just plain ‘ol dirty pool. Move on and catch up with society. BOTH the parent and the step parent have every right to parent the child. I tell my 2 daughters that if I EVER hear of them speaking disrespectfully to their dad, their step mom, me or their step dad there’s gonna be BIG trouble in paradise.

By QB

December 13, 2006 12:00 PM | Link to this

GATransplant: I agree with you on that issue of using “step”. When my mother remarried, I didn’t refer to her husband as my step-dad or to his children from a previous marriage as step-this & step-that. He became my dad and they became my brothers and sisters regardless of the blood relation. Later on, I stopped calling him dad because of his actions but I still refer to his children as my sisters/brothers. I do believe that any adults within a 2nd marriage (children included) that are providing healthy, safe and loving homes have the right to raise all kids in the family as their own. I draw the line at those so-called parents who demand a say-so and respect when they in turn behave abusively, mean, and selfishly toward everyone else.

By Ashleigh

December 13, 2006 12:04 PM | Link to this

Okay..I was just wondering what everyone’s take on it was. Everyone has a different situation.

By Susan

December 13, 2006 12:06 PM | Link to this

I have a lot to say on this matter but I won’t bore you with all the details. I just have to say I see both sides. I think a step parent should have a certain amount of say in all aspects, especially when the child lives with them and they provide for them. On the other hand I personally took offense to my daughter’s step mother trying to tell me what to do with her and how I was going to do things. 1. she had no right to tell me what to do. 2. she wasn’t the one raising her. 3. She wasn’t paying child support- nor was the ex. She inititated the process every time we went to court because she didn’t like me and she wanted to be in charge( she wore the pants in their family). They were so petty that they had it written into court documents that my daughter was NEVER to call her step dad “Daddy”. Even though that’s how she thinks of him, he has raised her since she was 4 and she is now almost 19. He has provided food, shelter, medical, guidance, 2 sets of braces, education, a lot of love and even her first car while the only thing her real dad can claim is biological paternity. Every situation is different but don’t allow your child to play both ends of the stick. Have a joint family meeting with both families present and do so when major issues arise. This way one parent or step-parent or even child can’t manipulate the situation to their liking and every one has a say. It may not always be a happy meeting of minds but at least everyone will always be on the same page.

By Peridot

December 13, 2006 12:08 PM | Link to this

Lynn -

It is a sacrifice I am more than willing to make, rather than risk some pedofile (unbeknownst to me) living in my home with my precious children. It happens more than folks like to admit.

I didn’t say I wouldn’t date, but I wouldn’t marry. The issue is probably moot, anyway, because my husband is my soulmate and best friend. If something happened to him or my marriage, I would be content to never marry again because I doubt that I would ever find another man like him and I would want to spend the energy trying. I wouldn’t need to be married to lead a full and content life.

By Together for 12

December 13, 2006 12:10 PM | Link to this

This makes no sense to me. Forbidding a step-parent to discipline your child is just asking for more serious issues later. We do this and then we wonder why kids today get into so much trouble, harm others, act up in school, and commit such horrible crimes that they end up in juvenile centers? It is because they are being TAUGHT that they do not have to respect authority. If you’re going to marry a person, you should allow them the ability to dicsipline your child the same way you do. Once you’re married, you are BOTH parents. You have to provide a united front as parents who are equal. Teaching kids that one parent is better/more powerful/etc. than the other will dominate how those children relate to people of that sex in their future relationships.

Unless an adult is endangering a child, all adults should be able to discipline your child. Remember the days when any neighbor/relative could discipline you and you obeyed? There were a lot fewer problem kids in those days because we all knew that we weren’t going to get away with causing trouble.

By Jack

December 13, 2006 12:12 PM | Link to this

Lynn read this:Sorry but after reading some of these blogs I must say this. Just because the father does not have primary custody does NOT make him anyless of a parent. Myself and many other fathers take a very active role in their childrens life’s. Also myself and many fathers financially support thier children through child support which is law and they buy their kids alot of clothes and other things above the child support. Myself and many fathers also pay for things such as trips, sports, extra curricular activities, that is on top on child support. So please stop saying the step father is financially giving to your kids, that does not make him or give him the right to parent a child that is not his. What gives him the right to parent a step child is his ability to be a good parent such as love, respect, values, morals, loving the child as if it were is own, ect… A step parent can be a better parent than the bio parent and NEVER financially give one cent to the kid. Many fathers would give anything to have primary custody. I personnaly think shared parenting, where both parents would have the children the same amount of time and no one would pay child support is a better way but Georgia’s family court does not agree, however 24 other states do agree with it. Sorry but some of the blogs upset me.

By Jesse's Girl

December 13, 2006 12:14 PM | Link to this

Peridot…..I completely see where you are coming from and I agree 100%

By Ed

December 13, 2006 12:25 PM | Link to this

Michele how can you say step parent has no say so in theouse with step children? Thats an absurd statement. FYI dear, with five kids if a man wants to marry you, RUN don’t walk to the alter.

By Grandma

December 13, 2006 12:29 PM | Link to this

My husband and I divorced when my kids were 14 and 8. I met a man who I was to be with for the next 8 years. I got lucky. My ex was great and the kids loved him. My new “boyfriend” was wonderful. His own kids from a previous marriage lived with his ex in another state and he didn’t see them much at all. (I met one of the once.) He missed them, and doted on my kids, who adored him in return. They listened to my ex and my current and the ex/current even became “almost friends”. I guess I was lucky.

By Sarah

December 13, 2006 12:29 PM | Link to this

Michele so methhead or crackhead real daddy moves out and mom marries a decent working, law abiding, God fearing man and because he is not the biological parent he has no say so in the home he is providing financial support to? A mental giant you’re not Michele, I can see why you have five kids…..IGNORANT.

By Slim

December 13, 2006 12:40 PM | Link to this

I was a step-parent way before I became a parent. I married a man who had a daughter from a previous relationship. I fell in love with his daughter, and she used to call me “Mommy Bear”. She wanted to call me Mommy, but I told her she already had a Mommy, but Mommy Bear was special to me. I spent more time with this child than her father did. Her mother knew this, and we never really had any problems. The child’s mother used to introduce me to her friends as “my daughter’s other mother”. That was so nice to hear those words come out of her mouth.
Unfortunately we have lost touch over the years and I have no idea where they could be. I really miss my (ex)step-daughter. I wish she knew my daughter, her half-sister. Sorry, that was a bit off-topic, but as we know, there are some good step-parents out there.

By Peridot

December 13, 2006 12:44 PM | Link to this

Sarah Why does Michele have to be “IGNORANT” because she has 5 kids??? If she was in loving, married, committed relationship at the time, why shouldn’t she and her spouse have as many children as they could afford?

By Janet_G

December 13, 2006 12:44 PM | Link to this

I am a step-parent and my husband is a non-custodial parent. He and I discussed this issue prior to our getting married. We always felt that the welfare of the children was important enough that we “get it right” when it came to discipline. We agreed that in order for the kids to respect us equally, we should present a “united front” to the children. That means we discuss beforehand what the rules are and what the consequences are for breaking the rules. Then, if one of us imposes a time out or loss of privileges (we do not use spanking), then the other one has to support the decision.

Legally, I only have the authority to discipline his children if he gives me that authority. I can’t take it upon myself without his agreement.

It’s hard on the children sometimes because the rules and the consequences are different at the two houses, but kids are smart and they know what type of behavior is allowed and what is not.

Ultimately, it’s up to the two biological parents to make their kid’s lives easier by communicating with one another about what goes on in their house, issues that a particular child may be having and how to deal with it in both households. Consistency between the two houses is ultimately what is best for the child. Parents are going to disagree, but they should at least try to work together to co-parent their children even if they dislike each other.

Basically, biological parents have a right to see their children, parent their children and participate in their lives, regardless of whether or the custodial parent agrees with them or not. The time to decide whether or not a man or woman will be a good father or mother to your children is before you conceive a child. Once that child is born, both biological parents have the right to be parents, whether they agree on what that means or not. As an adult, if you sleep with someone with the knowledge that there is a chance that you will create a child, then you have made the decision that that person is good enough to parent that child.

Many fathers desperately want more time to be parents to their children rather than just every other weekend “visitors” to their kids. Could you be a significant part of your child’s life if you were only allowed to see them four or five days a month? That’s what most non-custodial parents are faced with. The step-parent has way more time with their children and a lot more influence on their children than they are allowed as biological parents. It’s a tough pill to swallow.

Kids need both parents in their lives, period. Most kids want more time with the non-custodial parent and most kids who grow up being deprived of that time or being deliberately alienated or separated from that parent, will be drawn to that parent as they get older. Many teenage children end up with the non-custodial parent for this reason.

Bottom line is that step-parents should only fill the role of parent to the extent that their spouse wants them to. Working that out prior to the second marriage is crucial and is what works best for the kids.

By Slim

December 13, 2006 12:45 PM | Link to this

Sarah That wasn’t nice.

By Charlotte

December 13, 2006 12:47 PM | Link to this

Lynn,

Children will always test you. My now husband had custody of his teenage children who out of the blue decided that he was too strict. So his son decided to live with his permissive mom.

My husband was devastated. But he got over it. By the time his teenage daughter decided to move in with her mom-lets-me-do-anything-I-want mother, he helped her pack.

The kids are fine now, just graduated from college and are in graduate school. It seemed like a tragedy at the time, but it was all for naught.

By Janet_G

December 13, 2006 12:48 PM | Link to this

To Sarah, If mom made the concious decision to have five children with a “crack-head”, then she has to live with that. If he was good enough to sleep with, then he is good enough to be a father. Fathers have equal rights to custody of their children as mothers do. Mom doesn’t get to dictate to Dad whether or not he has the right to parent their children. The courts have that jurisdiction once Mom decides to leave or “trade up” to a better guy, not Mom.

By djbrown

December 13, 2006 12:54 PM | Link to this

To abc and some others: Just because you are the non-custodial parent does not mean there are not rules in your home. We have structure in our home just like every other home custodial or not. For someone (abc) to say the step-parent in the non-custodial home should have no say so in the discipline is not only stupid but downright wrong! We have provided a home for these children and the same type of rules, chores, etc. are applied and it doesn’t matter which one of us enforces it. You need to crawl back in your hole because you can’t possibly have the first clue about step-parenting or custodial/non-custodial situations. If you do and still say that, then lord help your children/step-children!

By Shirley

December 13, 2006 12:55 PM | Link to this

This is absolutely absurd thinking that step parents don’t have a say in parenting. I think some of the bad ex’s are using the kids as weapons against the ex-spouse that went on with their life and got remarried. That is absolutely lower than dirt. Your children deserve every opportunity to grow up in a family that is balanced and as free from hate as possible. Bad and ventictive ex’s cause more problems that they are worth.

By sharon

December 13, 2006 12:55 PM | Link to this

Kelley you never should have allowed your daughter to visit her father if he allowed his wife to keep her in the basement. For her to even suggest such a thing is mind boggling. I don’t believe in hitting my kids for any reason so it was important to me that I married someone who felt the same. As long as the discipline does not turn physical or verbally abusive step parents should provide guidance and discipline. It is a beautiful thing when the ex husband/wife can work together with the new husband/wife. Everyone benefits.

By MomStepMom

December 13, 2006 01:09 PM | Link to this

I can identify with very wicked stepmom I married a man who had custody of his then 6 year old daughter. Her mother left and seemed to forget her completely. The child asked me if she could just call me mom. After talking with my husband we didn’t see any reason why she couldn’t. She obviously needed that void filled so MOM I was and I was happy with that. A few years later her bio mother’s parents wanted to visit with her (what a shocker). Then during the visits with grandmother, the bio mother would start to be there too, and suddenly, she hesitated to call me mom. The bio mom’s family started making my (step) daughter feel guilty for buying me gifts and spending time with me (I home schooled her for a few year because she struggled in regular school). My daughter would come home from visits with the bio moms family and act rude and distant to me. I was soooo hurt because I took such a genuine interest in my daughter (whom I didn’t refer to as step daughter unless it were someone who knew I hadn’t birthed a child). I put her in plays, read stories, joined PTA, chorus booster clubs, etc. WHY CAN’T BIO PARENTS BE HAPPY THAT ANOTHER PERSON (the stepparent) SPENDS TIME AND MONEY TO RAISE THIER CHILD?

By sharon

December 13, 2006 01:16 PM | Link to this

To those of you who feel the step parent should not have a disciplinary role then what should the step parent do when the kids are behaving badly? Is he/she supposed to report to you like a wimp? Stay single until your kids are grown

By Jack

December 13, 2006 01:16 PM | Link to this

JANET_ G I applaud your comments.. Good job.. It is extremely difficult getting the opportunity to raise your children the way you would like to when as a non-custodial parent you only get your children every other weekend. Thats why I think Georgia needs to change their laws in domestic family court to recognize shared parenting. I have joint legal and joint physical custody of my daughters which is still crap.. I still really have no rights as the non-custodial parent. Sorry, i know this comment is going to make alot of people mad but I think in my opionion that child support is bullcrap. I definatly think both parents have the responsibility to financially raise your children but if you are a non-custodial parent who pays child support you will understand where I am coming from and why. My wife pays child support from a pervious marriage so I speak from both sides of the coin.

As for this subject, I think step parents should have the right to discipline. Read my other blogs on my opionion of step parenting.

By MomStepMom

December 13, 2006 01:26 PM | Link to this

I forgot to mention this part but I DEFINITELY DISCIPLINE. I don’t need to be my daughter’s biological mom to discipline. As a step parent I’ve done everything a good mommy should do (math and language drills, planned parent hood visit and the no no’s of inappropriate touching, reading bible stories and scripture memorization, attending open house and seating her in the front of the class, and yes braces on my dental plan too, hair salon visits, bring your daughter to work day, the list goes on). Yes i discipline and rightfully so. The sad part is bio mom will call and give her the okay to have a boyfriend at 13 yrs old and we have to spend all day explaining why bio mom used bad judgement and we know that 13 is too young for you to date.

By GATransplant

December 13, 2006 01:34 PM | Link to this

Jack - I understand what you are saying and totally agree with you. Just because you provide financially doesn’t give you a credit card on dishing out discipline. Respect, love, caring, current and future welfare all have to play a part in discipline as well as right and wrong.

When I was a child any adult in my neighborhood who saw you doing wrong would admonish you on the spot. Some would smack your hands or the back of your head and some would call your parents. My older brother had a friend who was saved by another parent who saw him trying to do something and gave him a talking to and made him immediately fix what he had done wrong. He was older than me but while giving me a ride home from school, he told me how my father catching him in the act of trying to steal a bicycle had changed his life.

The thing is that anyone who impacts your child’s life in a positive manner is helping you to do what you want most as a parent. To have a well adjusted adult who knows right from wrong and does his/her best to do what is right.

Michele - You are in a loving and committed relationship so it is hard for you to fathom letting someone other than your children’s father help you raise them. If you are ever in a situation, which I hope you never are, where you get another significant other, I hope that what is best for your children governs what you allow and refuse to allow.

In the end, what is most important is the welfare of your children.

djBrown - I think that people are talking from their own experiences. I am sure that plenty of non-custodial homes have rules and discipline. On the other hand, there are many non-custodial parents who are lax in discipline because they don’t want their child to remember them in a poor light, completely forgetting that their child needs to respect them as a parent and not care for them as a friend.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 01:34 PM | Link to this

@Jessie’s girl…I was married to him for 20 years till I couldn’t take it anymore.

By Lisa

December 13, 2006 01:36 PM | Link to this

My husband’s children from his first marriage are my BONUS CHILDREN, not step children. I am very blessed to have them in my life. We support them financially and spiritually. If a situation comes up regarding thier behavior we all sit down and talk about it. Ultimately my husband is the one who makes the decision in the end. Remember also, these children are worthy of YOUR EARNED respect too. It is a two way street.

By meme

December 13, 2006 01:39 PM | Link to this

Wow, Shirley, you just made a great point for stepparent not doing the discipline. What do I have to get over. I was lucky enough to find the right guy the first time and we are still together to play with our grandkids. We didn’t rush out and get pregnant and then married (or not) like a lot of folks today. Yes, my ideas are outdated and I think that is terrible.

By 2morrow

December 13, 2006 01:40 PM | Link to this

Jack My brother just went through a divorce and fought really hard for joint custody of his two kids. One of his kids was old enough to decide who she wanted to live with, and the other was younger. Their mother wanted full custody only because she wanted as much child support as she could get (Can you say golddigger). Like I said, he fought very hard, and won. He gets the kids for one week, she gets the kids for one week, and so far it seems to be working out. His ex purchased a home close to him, so the kids would stay in the same school, church etc. Here’s the kicker. Even though he has joint custody, he STILL has to pay his ex some child support. He is carrying the insurance on both kids and pays for their activities, etc when they are with him. But he still has to make up the difference between their two salaries, as he makes a little bit more than she does. The child support laws are changing next month I believe. They will now take both parents income into consideration for child support issues.

My advice is, if anyone is divorcing, and REALLY wants to see their kids more than 4 days a month (every other weekend), let your lawyer know. It can be done.

By GATransplant

December 13, 2006 01:50 PM | Link to this

MomStepMom - Hang in there. When you know that you are doing right, it can sometimes get you upset when these things happen. I went through similar situations with my daughter when she returned from her bio-father’s house. I go to orientation, PTA, math and reading drills, found her professional reading and math help etc… and after some visits with her bio-dad I would get strange reactions from her. It hurts. When I had my biological child is when she initially began acting strange after her visits. I just kept reminding her that I loved her and that she was my first child and it seems to have smoothed things out, over time.

I have never been a step-child so I can’t know how confusing and difficult it can be. My daughter and I sometimes sit and talk about it. Sometimes you have to find out what difficulties they are facing so that you know how to approach the things that they say and do. Keep the lines of communication open and you may learn a few things that put things into perspective and you may be able to explain things that were overlooked by the child.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 01:53 PM | Link to this

@Jack, your a minority I have to say. My daughter’s dad doesn’t contribute to anything. He has one child and I have one so there is no child support issue. I on the other hand, take off work to take my daughter that resides with him to the Dr. etc. I am the one that takes & picks up each child for visitation, so forth and so forth…it keeps on going and always has. He doesn’t chip in for volleyball expenses or any other expense as far as raising her. And I’m not just talking a money issue but raising a child involves that very much. They have many wants beyond needs and providing those of course takes money, so therefore, it makes it (money) play a huge role in raising them. And on the other half, if it were not for me, he wouldn’t even see her. It took him 3 months to even talk to her after she came to live with me and she initiated that conversation or he still would be giving her the silent treatment. Then he tried to cancel her medical coverage when it wasn’t costing any more for two children than one. Also, I was in your shoes at one time so I do understand your frustration. I was paying a huge amount of child support in addition to all the extras you mention and felt like a left out parent. I always loved my girls and never blamed them though. Their dad is just plain out redneck/backwoods, what can I say….A typical southern boy.

By Step Dad

December 13, 2006 01:55 PM | Link to this

I am a step dad 2 boys (4 and 11). I am the one who does the discipline at the house. I always find it interesting how people like to say that just because they “put a roof over their heads” that doesn’t give them the right to be the “real parent”. Does being a sperm donor make you a real parent? My 2 boys know that I will give them the world, but they also know they are going to play by my rules. Their dad is a low life and I don’t concern myself with or give a rats @** in what he thinks. People like Michele isn’t ignorant for having 5 kids, they are ignorant for the context of what they wrote.

A step parent is NOT a “new daddy or mommy” and has NO say in how a child that is NOT biologically theirs should be raised, disciplined etc… I don’t care how much money the step parent brings into the house. Money doesn’t equal the right to have a say.

That puts you right up their with OJ “How I would have done it” for the stupidest comments of the year.

By GATransplant

December 13, 2006 02:00 PM | Link to this

2morrow - I thought those laws changed in July?

Jack - I completely agree that the current child support laws are crap. A few years ago, on Ricky Lake, an unemployed woman admitted to taking care of her unemployed boyfriend and her child with the child support she received. Her statement was ‘Child support pays good, Ricky’. Many gold-diggers know this and use it as a source of temporary income. I definitely wish you luck. It is never to late to ask for increased visitation or shared custody, as long as you live near your children.

I was unfortunate enough to have to pay for another man’s child who I was misled into believing was my biological child. I paid over $20,000 before learning the truth and fighting to overturn the order. In Georgia, they changed the law in 2001 so that DNA decides who has to pay, but I was not fighting this in Georgia and the laws there were different. I was lucky. Documented lies by the misleading mother convinced the judge to vacate the support order.

By 2morrow

December 13, 2006 02:01 PM | Link to this

I get no help financially from my ex. He took the coward’s way out and just ran away. Tried to fake his death, but that didn’t work, seeing how he didn’t leave a body, just a suicide note. Eventually he hooked up with some shady characters and got himself a new identity. We have no idea where or who he is…. As far as I know, he has a total of 5 kids, and doesn’t support a single one of his kids.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 02:02 PM | Link to this

Shirley, I agree with all your comments.

By GaNative

December 13, 2006 02:13 PM | Link to this

For all you Step Daddy’s out there, click on the link and listen to the song dedicated to you. When the page comes up, listen to clip #7 and #14.

http://www.artistdirect.com/nad/store/artist/album/0,,2558131,00.html

By Used

December 13, 2006 02:15 PM | Link to this

I lived with my ex-girlfriend for 2 years. When her teenage daughters did something wrong my girlfriend said she would handle it that she would have a talk with them. But basically it didnt change a thing. I couldnt dicipline them. When they messed up my girlfriend would say they were just children even though they were 18 and 14 years of age. She believed as long as they were not on drugs or pregnant they were perfect children. I wasnt respected by the children they smirked or laughed behind my back if I said something. The teenage children were also spoiled the eldest was given a car even though she was failing her classes in school and didnt have a job to support the car. I was taught you work for what you get. To this day her daughter still doesnt have a job. But when it came down to problems it was always me against three. I did alot for her girls pick them after school, took them to sporting events, plays and bought them lunches and dinners but if I was alone with them in the house they ignored me. I would go some days without seeing them even though they were in the same house. They would also try to test me to see how far they could push me to see how upset I would get knowing their mother would take their side. I will always remember when we first moved in together we were all in the car and her yougest daughter stated she wished her mother, sister and father were all living together in the house instead of me. We have since broke up and when they left they were all laughing and taking pictures it was a joyous occasion for them all. So what it comes down to I was wasnt respected, loved or appreciated.

By Jack

December 13, 2006 02:18 PM | Link to this

LYNN… I will pray for your ex husband. Children need both parents in their lives full time even after a divorce. and 2morrow congrats to your brother but if they both have the kids equal time than why should he pay child support? Please dont misconstru this. When it comes to child support the court system sets people up for failure. They make people pay to much. sorry but its true. I know from experience, I have 4 daughters, 2 from a previous marriage and 2 from my present marriage. It does not take 1000.00 a month for 2 kids. The court system does not tell the primary custodial parent how to spend the money. Let me get off this subject becuase its a subject that you could spend years on. Also alot of primary custodial parents like my ex wife do not work and refuse to do so but the court does not care. If you have the ability to work and you rather live off child support than you need help. Because oviously you do not truly care about your children having the best in life. Your ex does not owe you anything. Why should your ex support your lazy pathetic tail? Hes not married to you anymore. I use to belong to fathers are parents too and also to non-custodial parents rights groups. I lobbied the GA Legislation for 1 year to try to get the senators and congressman to improve the Georgia child custody laws and child support laws. Once you become a non-custodial parent you will understand why I feel the way I do. People dont understand, the non-custodial parent has to pay child support, feed the kids on the weekends they get them, pay for medical insurance, pay for entertainment on the weekends you have the kids, pay for cheerleading, soccor, trips, ect. Every weeekend I get the kids, my kids tell me daddy I need this or that, these kind of shoes, mommy says she cant afford them or wont buy them, so guess what I do. You cant tell your kids, oh I am not going to buy you that or pay for that because I pay your mom child support and as a part timer you dont want to upset your kids by saying no, i cant afford it.. their is sooooooooo much people dont understand…

By pete

December 13, 2006 02:21 PM | Link to this

Janet_G said - “Fathers have equal rights to custody of their children as mothers do. Mom doesn’t get to dictate to Dad whether or not he has the right to parent their children. The courts have that jurisdiction once Mom decides to leave or “trade up” to a better guy, not Mom.”

As a non-cusodial dad that remarried and had a stepchild and a biological child with my now wife as well, I have to say that while your viewpoint might match the legal fiction of joint custody and fairness in the courts, the reality is far different. It is still almost impossible for fathers to get custody of their children. My numbers are out of date but it used to be that only about 5% of fathers were awarded custody, even among those that tried for it. I don’t think those numbers will have changed much. Courts do almost nothing to protect the rights of the non-custodial parent. This I know from personal expereince, expereinces of friends and parenting groups I have been a part of.

I parented my stepchild in the same maneer as my bio-child. The bio-dad was not in the picture much and we established a relationship that generated conflict as the child loved me and felt that love betrayed the father. I provided discipline for the stepchild and my wife provided discipline for my bio-child. Did we always agree, no but then we don’t always agree with our joint child either. You have to let the family dynamics play with both adults having the appropriate role. Then you deal with the ex as best as you can.

By Sher

December 13, 2006 02:29 PM | Link to this

This is such a complicated issue. There are several people involved and each want things to turn out for the best but not sure how to do it or have different ways of doing it. There really is no one answer here. I think each family has to work this out and do what works best for them. Sometimes that means going through some growing pains (as all families do anyway) and some hard times. Some families find family counseling to be helpful in sorting out the problems. Discipline is something that works best when all adult parties agree on how it should be carried out. This is the best of all possible worlds, of course, but working together for the good of the kids is possible in many cases.

My husband (the father of my children) and I are still together, so I am not personally involved in stepparent issues, but I work with families and many of them are blended families. It is typical that the child wants to be with which ever parent is the non-custodial parent at the time - that’s normal. Kids, esp. teens can be pretty fickle. As hard as it is, it is best to try not to take this too personally. The teen is in the middle of forming their identity and they will go back and forth a lot about what they want, who they want to be, etc. Just hang in there with them, let them know you love them, and they will turn back to you eventually. If you try to force the issue, you will delay how long it takes for them to turn back to you. Kids need space to make up their minds - they hate to be badgered.

By Shirley

December 13, 2006 02:32 PM | Link to this

meme, sometimes divorces happen and you move on. I absolutely agree that it’s best when parents stay together, IF they can. Divorces DO happen, however, and it’s far better to deal with it in a constructive, civil manner rather than avoiding the dead elephant in the living room altogether. It’s call….listen closely…being a mature adult. Take the hand that you’re given and do the best that you can do. That means not fighting over the kids, in front of the kids or manipulative behavior behind everyone’s back. Meme, be an adult and see that while mom’s and dad’s SHOULD stay together if they can. If they can’t, move one, act adult and show the kids that life does move on and it can be very friendly, if both parties act adult. Anyone can be the father. It takes someone special to be a Dad.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 02:38 PM | Link to this

@Jack, thanks and I hope things work out for you. As far as the new child support law goes, I think it’s the best thing that has happened for non-custodial parents.

@Step Dad - LOL…good one

@Lisa - sound like you guys have it figured out…wish my ex would cooperate.

By bellamomma

December 13, 2006 02:42 PM | Link to this

Just want to say if my step dad hadn’t been the stern parent he was, I would have been in jail a time or two growing up. Both my biological parents were push overs. Now that I am grown I am very close to my step-father and truley appreciate what he did for me.

By Magenta

December 13, 2006 02:45 PM | Link to this

In my second marriage, my husband (stepdad to my teen son) apparently had jealousy issues. He could not speak to my son in a civilized tone, and as he grew, my son began to see the injustice and fight back. Our marriage ended as a result (should have ended sooner but I kept hoping for the best). My hat goes off to adults who can finesse the stepparent role, but the bio parent has the responsibility to put the kid first, and to see the situation in a realistic light.

By abc

December 13, 2006 02:45 PM | Link to this

Used, of course you didn’t get much respect, you were a transient live-in boyfriend of their mom, not a step-parent. Sheesh.

djbrown, I disagree; if you’re married to the non-custodial parent, and their kids come to visit, you have no more authority over them than you would any other house guest. If they live in the same house as you, different story.

By 2morrow

December 13, 2006 02:48 PM | Link to this

Jack He has to pay his ex child support, because he makes about $10K more a year than she does, so the court made him make up the difference.

Now that the laws are changing, he may not have to pay at all, which I think should be the case. If both parents have joint custody, and are both sharing in the costs of raising the kids, why does one have to pay the other.

Now my ex-Sister-in-law plays the “I don’t have any money go ask your father” game all the time. She is a shop-a-holic and has MAJOR credit card debt. So she tells the kids to their faces, “I don’t have any money”, but yet, she has brand new clothes, shoes, three brand new leather jackets, new bedroom furniture, etc!!! She also goes out and parties every single weekend, whether she has her kids or not. It’s almost as if she is mad at my brother for getting joint custody and taking it out on the kids.

By MomStepMom

December 13, 2006 02:48 PM | Link to this

GATransplant thanks for the words of encouragement. I didn’t realize so many people were facing these step parenting issues. Kudos to Ed you sound like an understanding step parent. My husband had step children before we married and he learned how to be patient and understanding by putting himself in the shoes of his then step children. My husband got his feelings hurt when the kids would come back from visits with bio dad and act distant or non caring toward him. But my husband was so loving and understanding to his ex-wife’s children that when I met my husband, the 2 step children plus my husband’s bio daughter were all living with him after the mother walked out. My husband took care of all 3 children until the step children’s biological father got himself together and was able to move his children in with him. Now the step children are 18 and 21, they still call him dad, come over on holidays and call me mom. Men who step up to the plate are such a joy to have in this world.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 02:56 PM | Link to this

My evil step father was the reason I made the fatal mistake of marrying at 15 in the first place so I know how the good/bad step parent scenario comes into play. The difference in my situation is that my current husband is not only every thing I want in a husband but also everything I want in a father to my children. Problem is he’s not thier dad and never will be, but what’s wrong with him playing the role in raising her when he’s the one she’s around the most? Is it wrong of him to say no, you can’t date yet or to tell her to treat us with respect when she’s having a selfish moment? I can usually figure things out but I’ll be danged if this situation hasn’t made me scratch my head a lot the past few days.

By Smiley

December 13, 2006 02:57 PM | Link to this

I was a stepmother. During the time we were I was married I disciplined his daughter the same as my own. If one was sent to their room so were the others.

On the other hand I would take up for his daughter when he would be too heavy handed.

He and I are divorced now and she is a grown woman and still calls me and will tell me she loves me. I must have done something right in not letting her run over me or take advantage of me being a stepparent.

By Slim

December 13, 2006 03:00 PM | Link to this

MomstepMom I agree. I admire a man who steps up to the plate to take care of the kids. You have a wonderful MAN, and you should hold on tightly. Don’t let him get away (he may take your kids too…LOL).

By 2morrow

December 13, 2006 03:00 PM | Link to this

MomstepMom I agree. I admire a man who steps up to the plate to take care of the kids. You have a wonderful MAN, and you should hold on tightly. Don’t let him get away (he may take your kids, too…LOL).

By 2morrow

December 13, 2006 03:01 PM | Link to this

MomstepMom I agree. I admire a man who steps up to the plate to take care of the kids. You have a wonderful MAN, and you should hold on tightly. Don’t let him get away (he may take your kids, too…LOL).

By MomStepMom

December 13, 2006 03:01 PM | Link to this

CAN ANYONE GIVE ADVICE I’ve heard a lot of people dealing with the way thier step child acts after a visit with a biological parent. Sometimes even wanting to move out because the bio parent allows questionable behavior or tells the child NOT to address the step parent as mom or dad. I FEEL SOOO BAD FOR THE KIDS BECAUSE THEY ARE CONFUSED AND HURT. They naturally want to please their biological parent, and of course as a step parent you can’t say anything against the bio parent (at least you shouldn’t). What’s a step parent to do? My daughter will be visiting her bio mom for Christmas and I don’t know what to expect when she comes back home. (will she recieve inappropriate gifts like the strappy high heeled sandles her mom bought her at 13, or will they make her feel guilty for buying me a gift as they have in the past, or when she calls home to talke to me and her dad will she say “um” before each sentence to me because they’ve made her feel uncomfortable calling me “mom” while at thier house?) I hope to get advice from mature, intelligent minded Christians.

By melissa

December 13, 2006 03:05 PM | Link to this

I just wanted to say that it takes a village to raise children. That means both parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends and “step” parents. We live in a world today where people get divorce all the time and then they get married again. It does not matter where the child lives or whose house the child is at, the child needs to learn that the need to respect that persons home. Ask yourseleves this, when the child is away at a friends house can the friends parents disipline your child. Now I am not talking about spanking that is another issue to me all together. What I am saying is that parents need to realize that there will be other adults in the childs life that will disipline the child regardless if you are divorced or not. You just have ot decide who will be the right people in there life.

By Jack

December 13, 2006 03:06 PM | Link to this

Pete… The fathers that get custody are the ones that have alot of money for a very good and expensive attorney that is well known in the court system that you reside in. Or its the ones that the ex wife simply gave the father custody.

However, I can tell you that the court system is extremely messed up and needs some major reform. I know this because not only did I fight for custody of my kids but my wife and I are fighting for her kids. The family court system screws women also. I have and are still playing both sides of the coin. The family court system is corupt and dirty in many many ways. The guardian ad litems are a complete joke in alot of ways. We as non-custodial parents need to fight to change the family courts. How is it that me and my wife have 2 daughters together 1 and 3yrs old and my wife is a full time stay at home mother to our kids but the court system has said that she is only entitled to supervised visitation with her daughter from a previous marriage? No, their was nothing she did. Two years before their divorce, her ex husband was physically and mentally abusing her, she went to a pshychiatrist for depression and her ex husband payed the psychiatrist to say she was bi-polar. Yes pay offs do happen and they are real. So is the court system fair and correct in their decisions? you judge..

Step parents will NEVER be the true parent to that child, they will never take the place of the real father or the real mother unless the bio parent has chosen to not be a active part in their childs life. Either way the step parent must earn respect and trust with their step children. Yes step parents should be able To discipline the step children as long as they are not physical or mentally or emotionally abusive.

By SP's Mom

December 13, 2006 03:08 PM | Link to this

As a Biological Parent to a young child, I feel as long as all parties involved in a child’s life, have that child’s best interest at heart, who disciplines should not be a problem. My EX has remarried and his new wife seems to adore our child. But she does let a lot of big decisions be made by me and my EX. I’m sure she lets her opinion be heard to the EX in private, but to our child it is always a united front. For Christmas, I’m going up to their house and spend the night Christmas Eve so we can all be with my child on Christmas morning….sounds crazy, I know, but we all love my child and want what’s best for him.

By Slim

December 13, 2006 03:19 PM | Link to this

SP’s Mom Three cheers for you. Your child will grow up knowing that he/she is VERY loved. Too bad other adults can be this adult.

Before I was a parent, I was a step parent. Of course I heard nothing but bad things about my husband’s ex-wife from him. Once I met her, I formed my own opinion, and found that she wasn’t as bad as he made her out to be. When we would all be at the daughter’s sporting events, her Mother would introduce me to her friends as “Slim, my daughter’s Other Mother”. That made me feel so special, to know that this woman was comfortable enough with me to be around her child.

By Auntie "D"

December 13, 2006 03:20 PM | Link to this

What do you think of a stepmother that results to slapping my 18year old nephew because he will not give her his “gameboy”—when his Dad came home he hit him on his back and made him apologize to his stepmother—this type of discipline is one of the reasons why alot of parents would prefer that a stepparent “not” have the authority to get physical. This is a good boy-because I think the average 18year old boy would have slapped her back!

By melissa

December 13, 2006 03:21 PM | Link to this

Jack,

I think that you just dont want to help support your child, I am sorry if that offends you, but not all women are like that. I have 2 children of my own and I dont receive child support and I struggle week to week to buy dipers and groceries and rent and all the other things that come with raising a family. I think men like you dont deserve to have children. Just because you see them every other week end and you pay there expenses then does not mean that the only time they need things is when there with you. I wish that my childs father was in there life not for the money but because they need a father, but I also need him there for finacle support to. And as a women I would never be with a man that did not want to take care of there child.

By jsmom

December 13, 2006 03:22 PM | Link to this

I would like clarification from the people saying that step parents shouldn’t discipline… Let’s say that little Suzy is at the store with StepParent Bob. Suzy decides that she wants a toy. Bob says no and Suzy goes in to full fledged melt down mode. What is Bob supposed to do? Buy the toy? Scooping her up and leaving the store is discipline, so according to some people that isn’t an option since he is a step parent.

Yes I know it’s a simplistic view, but I am trying to understand the “Stepparent cannot discipline my child.” There is a difference in punishment and discipline.

By MomStepMom

December 13, 2006 03:25 PM | Link to this

Slim- you have an awesome and unique situation. Most Ex wives would be too jealous to embrace the new step mom that way. I hope one day your child knows the lenghts you guys were willing to go to in order to give him/her a positive child hood between the parents. Its so much better than bad mouthing each other and ugly custody battles. Kudos!

By Jack

December 13, 2006 03:31 PM | Link to this

MomStepMom: here is the advise that you asked for from anouther christian parent who has both his own kids and step kids.

When your step daughter goes to visit her bio mom for christmas do not worry. Tell her how much you love her before she goes and tell her to have a good time. If she calls you and her father while she is with her bio mom and she acts distant or doesn’t want to call you mom, then remember it’s not her fault, do not get upset and do not say anything to your step daughter when she gets home. Be the bigger, more mature, christian parent. If the bio mother buys her gifts that are not suitable for a girl her age then talk with your husbadn about it and together explain to your step daughter why you guys do not want her to wear the gifts her mom gave her. Do not take the gifts away from her. As a christian we should not worry about what other people say about us or think about us, we should only care what God thinks of us. Are you living the christian life that God wants you to live? Then dont worry about it. Never talk negative about the ex bio parent or step parents in front of or around the children… NEVER… I think i answered your question..

By SP's Mom

December 13, 2006 03:32 PM | Link to this

That is great Slim. That is what I’m talking about. If we “adults” would get our acts together for the sake of our children, then things would be much better.

I feel as a single woman now, it is up to me to make good choices of people I choose to bring around my child. It is no longer about just me. The sooner divorced parents realize this, the better off the children will be.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 03:33 PM | Link to this

MomStepMom - I know I have my own problems to deal with but I also know a little about what your talking about. Although my situation is much different than yours I can forewarn you what your headed for. A teenager (especially girls) have a much stronger yearning for their bio-mother vs. the bio-father. It’s only natural for a young lady to want to look up and at her mother for guidance. After all, she is the product of her mothers genetics. I’m sure she loves you and always will. Just keep doing what your doing by being there for her and first and foremost don’t let her know that her relationship with her mother isn’t your first interest. Encourage her to love her mother and in turn she will return the love to you.

By Blue_Kolla

December 13, 2006 03:38 PM | Link to this

Sounds like most of us are on the same page.

And being old school, I firmly believe that the King and Queen of said castle have full regulatory powers over all who reside within; and believe me I’m regulatin’ all (except the Queen - to a certain extent) who reside within.

And if Bio-dude has a problem with me regulating my castle, then he’d better come and get his wanna-be-bad-azz kid!!!

By Slim

December 13, 2006 03:43 PM | Link to this

MomStepmom We divorced years ago, I just forgot to put that in my post. Unfortunately I have lost touch with the ex-wife and stepdaughter. I really miss them, and I know my child would love to know her half-sister. I know she (the ex-wife) remarried, and I have no idea what her last name is now.

By EW

December 13, 2006 03:43 PM | Link to this

I cannot believe that some of you feel that a man can go to work and make money to support the household and buy food, shelter, toys and even pay for the education of a step child yet he does not have the right to parent them? To disipline a child is part of being a parent, just a much as giving medical care and financial care to a child is. Women, be grateful a man wants to be part of your family. Face it, there are three women looking to get married for each guy looking for the same, reality check women. I know a lot of divorced biological fathers are not that involved in their biological kids lives. In this case who is the strong male figure in the picture? And we wonder why we are raising a society of out-of-control, spolied brats who thinks the world owes them a living on a silver platter. Again, be glad you have a man who wants to be involved.

By Bubblehead

December 13, 2006 03:43 PM | Link to this

From my own experience, MOST step parents probably won’t interfer with disciplining a child simply because the child isn’t theirs; unless the child is totally out of line and the stepparent may feel that they should step in and try to help the situation. My stepfather, who has been in my life for about 19 years now, has never disciplined me. He has fussed at my brother and I, every now and then, but my mom pretty much handled my brother and I. Nine times out of ten, my stepfather would be the one taking our sides regardless of what my mother thought. My point is, if your child lives with you and your mate then your child should respect your mate like any other adult. Simple and plain, a child is a child and an adult is an adult, if your mate is looked at as a parent or guardian when your child needs or wants something, then they should be looked at as a disciplinarian when the child needs to be punished.

By Blue_Kolla

December 13, 2006 03:45 PM | Link to this

Auntie D You must not be getting the complete story. I can’t see a grown woman slapping a step-kid, especially not an 18-year old one, without some serious grounds to stand on. So maybe this good boy nephew got way out of line one time and needed a chin-check. LOL

By Jesse's Girl

December 13, 2006 03:46 PM | Link to this

MomStepMom….just pray. When we live our lives faithfully, people watch us so much more closely. Your daughter watches every move you make and every word you utter is taken in. I have a feeling she is intelligent enough to see the difference between the loving home you are providing and the emotional tug of war her bio mom is stirring up. If I were in your shoes, I would simply sit her down and have a grown up concersation with her. Share some of your observations about the situation and ask her for her opinion. Let her know that no matter what….you will be the one that will always meet her at the door with open arms. Make her understand that there is a reason you have never referred to her as your step daughter….because God gave her to you and you to her.

By Blue_Kolla

December 13, 2006 03:51 PM | Link to this

EW In regards to your 3:43 post… Where do I sign?

By Slim

December 13, 2006 03:51 PM | Link to this

Theresa I notice Melanie’s absence in todays blog……HHHHMMMMMMM……I didn’t see her post anywhere today.

By Jack

December 13, 2006 03:51 PM | Link to this

MELISSA….. you have it soooooooo wrong. You need to go up from the start of this blog and read all of my comments. I love my daughters and I am a very very active part of their life. I have fought for 2 years to get custody and I am still fighting, going on my 6th year. I am a christian father and it absolutly breaks my heart to see my daughters living in the environment that they are living in. Not only am i fighting for custody of my kids but I am fighting for custody for my wifes kids from a previous marriage.

I am sorry you have a ex that does not pay child support which I do not see how he gets away with that because its law, child support enforcement is like the new york mafia. I pay child support through child support enforcement faithfully every payday and so does my wife.. The court and child support enforcement will suspend your drivers license and put you in jail for not paying support. I have a responsibility to pay child support but your not understanding my blogs. Re-read any try to comprehend.

Find a man with children from a previous marriage, who pays child support and marry him, then you will understand what I am talking about. Child support is done unfairly for BOTH men and women. Alot of women live on child support alone, alot only want custody for the child support. Alot of women make their ex husbands life *ell over child support.

DO not judge unless you have walked in the same shoes as the person or people that you are judgeing. Child support needs to be reformed, they have changed it alittle bit, effective 1 jan 2007. but it still needs to be changed alot more.

By jess

December 13, 2006 03:55 PM | Link to this

My stepmother tried to butt into my life with her ultra hypocrite christian values and she failed miserably, but succeeded in driving me away from my father to this day. If a kid is already a teen, a stepparent should just leave them alone and try not to suddenly be their parent. Going from one set of values to another at such a late age will not work and make the kid resent the parent who suddenly has this new set of values that their new psycho wife adheres to. The real mom always knows best and actually has the kids interests at heart, where the stepmother is just trying to put on a show.

By Blue_Kolla

December 13, 2006 03:57 PM | Link to this

SP For Christmas, I’m going up to their house and spend the night Christmas Eve so we can all be with my child on Christmas morning….sounds crazy, I know, but we all love my child and want what’s best for him.

Nope… doesn’t sound crazy to me. Sounds like 3 adults with their heads on straight… or the beginnings of a menage trois… LOL just kidding Seriously though, you should be commended.

By Kelli and Heather in Newnan

December 13, 2006 04:01 PM | Link to this

I am a step parent, my husband has twins from his first marriage. He doesn’t like their step father or me to spank the girls, he always tells them they have to mind the step father and me, but we don’t spank them. I did in the past (the mom didn’t care) but I didn’t really feel comfortable with that. I only popped them on the backside once and they will even tell you it didn’t hurt them just hurt their feelings. I believe that the step parent should be able to discipline to an extent but if it’s something serious the parents need to work together on the discipline. The father has every right to interfere with his children over the step father, the father pays child support to support his children, the step father is only their because the mother married him.

By GATransplant

December 13, 2006 04:01 PM | Link to this

MomStepMom - Knowing that your step-daughter is in a difficult situation is part of the solution. Before she leaves sit down with her and let her know that it is ok to be herself. She is going to be pressured and you have to understand that she may give into the pressure and call you step-mom or not refer to you by a title at all. When my daughter is at her bio-father’s, she still calls me dad, which is funny when her other dad is in the room because we always joke with her and say ‘Yes’ when we know she is on the phone talking to the other.

By happily married

December 13, 2006 04:02 PM | Link to this

First I would like to say that I know that there are circumstances for some people that definitely warrant a divorce. However, I feel that many people in today’s society do not go into marriage as if this is the one person that they plan to grow old with. When I met my husband 15 years ago, once the dating got serious, I told him that one day when I got married, I was marrying for life. I told him that there were only two things that I would get a divorce over. One is infidelity and the other is abuse of any kind. I knew he was my man if that didn’t scare him away.

We were married in an Episcopal church in which the priest insisted that we had to attend pre-marital counseling. I thought this a little silly, but we obliged. We learned several pitfalls of marriage and was encouraged to try to figure out ahead of time how we would handle them. (I highly recommend some sort of pre-marital counseling). Our first year was a little rocky as we each struggled to be as one, yet not lose our sense of self.

To make a long story short, I feel that more people should look at marriage more seriously. (and look at a boyfriend/girlfriend as a potential life long partner) If there were fewer divorces then there would be fewer of us responding to this blog. When the going gets tough, try to work things out with your partner (EXCEPTION infedility and abuse of any kind!!)

One more thought: If I were in this situation, I definitely think that a step parent should be able to discipline (within reason). I think that the parent and ex should first try to solve the issue first. Then the step can get involved.

I know that not everyone feels as I do, but I think that if I should ever find myself divorced, I don’t see myself remarrying. I would worry about marrying a pedofile. I am not putting anyone else down that does not feel the same way, that is just my personal feelings on the subject.

By Jack

December 13, 2006 04:07 PM | Link to this

MELISSA….. you have it soooooooo wrong. You need to go up from the start of this blog and read all of my comments. I love my daughters and I am a very very active part of their life. I have fought for 2 years to get custody and I am still fighting, going on my 6th year. I am a christian father and it absolutly breaks my heart to see my daughters living in the environment that they are living in. Not only am i fighting for custody of my kids but I am fighting for custody for my wifes kids from a previous marriage.

I am sorry you have a ex that does not pay child support which I do not see how he gets away with that because its law, child support enforcement is like the new york mafia. I pay child support through child support enforcement faithfully every payday and so does my wife.. The court and child support enforcement will suspend your drivers license and put you in jail for not paying support. I have a responsibility to pay child support but your not understanding my blogs. Re-read any try to comprehend.

Find a man with children from a previous marriage, who pays child support and marry him, then you will understand what I am talking about. Child support is done unfairly for BOTH men and women. Alot of women live on child support alone, alot only want custody for the child support. Alot of women make their ex husbands life *ell over child support.

DO not judge unless you have walked in the same shoes as the person or people that you are judgeing. Child support needs to be reformed, they have changed it alittle bit, effective 1 jan 2007. but it still needs to be changed alot more.

By Blue_Kolla

December 13, 2006 04:08 PM | Link to this

Jack Find a man with children from a previous marriage, who pays child support and marry him, then you will understand what I am talking about. Child support is done unfairly for BOTH men and women.

Now handing Jack his Diamond. “You just dropped this jewel…” And what little reform that IS being made, is being spearheaded by the New wife, who feels that her new household is being side-swiped by the ex-wife. Women simply have a louder voice when it comes to dealing with the law, and that’s on all fronts.

By melissa

December 13, 2006 04:09 PM | Link to this

Jack I commend you for wanting to be with your children and wanting custody of them, and I belive that if it is Gods will then it will happen. I am a little touchy with this subject. I belive that both parents should be active in there childrens lives, but I also belive that a child should not suffer for living whit mom/dad who makes less money than the other and not be able to have the things that they want, and the only they will have these things is if they move to the other parents house. All I am saying is that with out child support the child looses. I do agree wiht you that who ever receives child suport should still work and not just live off of child support alone. And I cant find the father of my children because he lives out of state and works “under the table” to avoid it. I think that should change to. My children do wiht out because of a dead beat dad, and it is always hard around this time of year because mommy cant pay “santa”. I just want you to know that not all women that get child support just sit around on ther butts and not do anything. Even if I did get childsupport I would still work everyday like I do now so I could plan for college. Just sit and think about the peolpe how only have a one parent home with out childsupport and no step parent.

By Blended Family

December 13, 2006 04:10 PM | Link to this

I was a single mother for 14 years. I had a son 14, and two girls 5 and 6 when I married my husband three and a half years ago. I completely agree that stepparents must have the authority to discipline. However, the first priority isn’t the discipline but allowing ample time for the new parent and the child(ren) to build a relationship and for the child to build a trust in the new parent. When children know that discipline comes from love they are more willing to accept it no matter who it is from. Once that trust is built then both parents must discuss the rules and consequences. The key is the bio parent in the home and the stepparent must be unified in the course of discipline. I don’t agree at all with the parent outside of the house making a statement that the stepparent shouldn’t have any say. That stepparent is invested significantly in the child(ren). Not just financially, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It is my conviction that the married couple are to run their household. If there are rules that the bio parent disagrees with then they have the right to change those rules when the child(ren) are with them. Each home has their own rules, consequences and priveledges. A child when taught properly knows the difference. But the outcome depends strongly on how the relationship with the child(ren) and the stepparent begin.

By happily married

December 13, 2006 04:10 PM | Link to this

It is very important for all parties to do what is best for a child. there are many parents that are angry or bitter towards their ex and take it out on their children. The child should be the top priority. Having children is a huge committment. If you are married to a person that you don’t think would be a good parent, don’t make a mistake and have children with this person. This is why dating for at least 1-2 years in important. You can really get to know a person inside and out.

By Jack

December 13, 2006 04:17 PM | Link to this

Melissa… If you need help with getting your kids some gifts for christmas than let me know. Maybe I can help you with that and if I cannot my church is having a thing this saturday and I could get you included in it. This saturday they are taking kids from single mom homes and from homes who truly cannot afford christmas and taking their kids shopping. I will give you my email address to email me…My church is a church of God in canton georgia.. its called new life worship….

By SP's Mom

December 13, 2006 04:23 PM | Link to this

Blue_Kolla, Lol, Let me just say, I had 1/3 of that menage trois for 16 years, ummmm, not going back there!!! Haha!!

By Jack

December 13, 2006 04:24 PM | Link to this

Melissa: New life worship, the phone number is 770-345-2660. Or some how I can give you my email address. I am serious if you need help with that I will help you..

By Ed

December 13, 2006 04:29 PM | Link to this

Happily Married, most parental pedophiles are the biological parent; sorry to upset your seemingly perfect world, but it is the truth.

By melissa

December 13, 2006 04:31 PM | Link to this

Jack, I appreciate your help, my parents are helping a little. I am trying to teach my children the true meaning of christmas, and santa is not the meaning of it. I just want people to understand, which I belive that you do that is very hard to be a single parent. I wrote your church number down and I will concider it but canton is a long way from my home, but i would appreciate a prayer. Thanks

By Jack

December 13, 2006 04:44 PM | Link to this

Melissa: Yes I do know how hard it is for a single mom. I commend single moms and I praise them. Believe me I have seen and experienced every side of the parenting/custody coin..

What area do you live in? I can help you find a good church. Everything in life can be overcome with the help of Jesus and The almighty God. I am a youth leader at my church. Matter of fact I have to leave work know because I have to teach the boys in royal rangers tonight at church. If you need to get a hold of me for prayer or anything call my church. Make sure you tell them that your looking for me for church reasons so it doesnt cause me to get anouther divorce.. ha.. I will pray for you and I will pray for you this sunday morning during intercessory prayer that I lead before church.. Good luck….

By Kat

December 13, 2006 04:50 PM | Link to this

There is a simple solution to this: if you are single and have children, don’t marry someone unless you are comfortable letting them discipline your children. If you don’t trust their judgement in this, you have very big issues that go beyond child discipline, and that is no foundation to build a marriage (or a family) on.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 04:51 PM | Link to this

Thanks Theresa and everyone for a very informative blog. Obviously it applied to a lot of people based on the number of comments. Jack, good luck & God Bless you and to everyone else..hang in there!

By MomStepMom

December 13, 2006 05:10 PM | Link to this

Thanks JESSIE’S GIRL, GA TRANSPLANT, SLIM, AND JACK. MELISSA I’ll say a prayer, but God uses people to bless other people. Please allow me to help in some way. I understand if you don’t want Christmas toys but how about a gift card or perhaps a donation of some clothes that your kids may be able to wear (used but in very good condition)? You can email me at dcservice@bellsouth.net. I am more than willing because I’m living proof that you reap what you sow. I was also a single parent before and people helped me.

By Justin

December 13, 2006 05:23 PM | Link to this

Fathers need to be respected! It is about time the income of the mothers are considered! The new child support guidelines are better but still need more progress towards being equitable. The underlying tables are the highest in the nation. The radical feminists pitched a fit and got the parenting time tossed out as standard, and had it made a deviation. However, we will be watching the judges to see if they are fair and deviate for when the non-custodial parent has the children. There are costs associated at their homes also.

By Scott

December 13, 2006 05:26 PM | Link to this

It’s not easy. And it depends a little on the legal rights of the noncustodial parent and a lot on the actual character of the non-custodial parent. The first time I raised my voice at one of my step-kids was for the way he was speaking to his mother. I think it shocked me more than him, but I know he won’t read this. I’ll say this though, neither of my step sons nor their biological father, nor anyone else is going to disrespect my wife when I am in the room.

The day-to-day parenting should be done by the parents who are present to do it. sosmetimes that means a step-parent and that step parent simply has to work harder at getting it right, and getting less credit for it than their biological counterparts. But everyone lives who lives in the home has their respective roles and the responsible adults should behave as such. It is the responsible adults who protect the kids from the irresponsible ones.

I am a step kid (former, I was later adopted) and a step parent.

By Justin

December 13, 2006 05:26 PM | Link to this

Jack, Pete, and all the other fathers representing here…I agree. It is almost impossible for a father to get respect, equal access to their children, fair child support payments, etc. in family court. Most women don’t care that they are financially ruining the father, ultimately ruining their children’s future, just so they can have control of the money.

By Justin

December 13, 2006 05:29 PM | Link to this

Blue Kolla, The family courts punish a man for moving on but women can have as many children as possible and collect money.

By Justin

December 13, 2006 05:31 PM | Link to this

And, women who lie about the paternity of their children should go to jail for fraud. I feel for men who are wrongfully accused of fathering a child. Some women can be so deceitful. Modern women want equal rights so get off your behind and work to equally support your children.

By Martha

December 13, 2006 05:37 PM | Link to this

My girls and I went through a little of this. My husband’s whore, later wife, tried to discipline my girls when they visited with their father…to the point of screaming at one of them (10 years old) that she was an “effing lunatic.” (I will never again come so close to killing another person.) The girls are grown now and have to endure her and her family when they visit, if they want to see their father. He allows her to manipulate him and keep herself between the girls and their father. He never sees the girls without her present. They despise her now, as well as all her family, whom they have to endure at holidays. We laugh about it now, thank goodness.

By Justin

December 13, 2006 05:47 PM | Link to this

Martha, you are just made because your ex upgraded. You were probably worst than that…

By Justin

December 13, 2006 05:49 PM | Link to this

Blended Family, great comment!

By StepmomLINY

December 13, 2006 05:59 PM | Link to this

The stepmother’s plight by: Stepmom from LI (NY)

The following is a true story. Stepmom’s two stepchildren live with her every weekend, part of the summer, and alternate holidays—about 40 percent of the time—yet her husband under New York State law is considered a “noncustodial” parent and so has fewer parental rights than the children’s mother. Stepmom, of course, does not even exist in the eyes of the law, so when issues of child support and visitation are re-negotiated, issues that affect her money and her time, the family court judge doesn’t want to hear from her.

Stepmom and her husband provide a home for her stepchildren—and have all the expenses of raising a family, from allowances to vacations. But they would not be able to afford their home or take a family vacation if it wasn’t for Stepmom’s salary, because a large chunk of her husband’s income is sent in so-callled child support to the children’s mother, who has no legal obligation to account for how it is spent. Stepmom and her husband also provide the children with medical, dental, and life insurance, and pay for uncovered medical expenses. And yet Stepmom is told by her stepchildren that “Mom supports us, Dad doesn’t.”

Stepmom and her husband put 5,000 miles a year on their car just transporting the children between homes. Stepmom works to help support the children; cooks for them (and their friends); does their laundry; helps with homework; attends open school night; plays with them; drives them to music lessons, basketball practice, birthday parties, and play dates; takes them (and their friends) to the library, museums, the beach, the theatre, etc.; takes them to the doctor and dentist; attends their school plays; plans birthday celebrations, holidays, and family vacations; and so on. Stepmom also listens to her stepkids, praises them, disciplines them, teaches them, encourages them, hugs them, laughs with them, and cries with them. Just like a “real” parent. And just like a “real” parent, Stepmom gets little appreciation from the children. In fact, every May, her friends and relatives call to wish her a happy mother’s day—but her stepkids completely ignore her.

Pity the poor stepmom? Maybe we should canonize her.

Sincerely,

Stepmom from LI (NY)

By StepmomLINY

December 13, 2006 06:08 PM | Link to this

Many women overtly prevent fathers from parenting. They will do all sorts of things to prevent the father from taking charge of the children, then they’ll turn around and say the father doesn’t participate. It may take all your effort to keep your lips zipped when it comes to your ex-husband’s parenting decisions, but as long as he does not endanger your child, keep your comments to yourself.

As angry and hurt as you may be about your ex-husband, never let that become an issue over his involvement as a father. Never stand in his way of having access to the children because they need their father.

Fathers who are awarded joint custody almost always pay all the child support awarded, according to a major study. The reason for this is simple: the father is being told that he matters to his kids, and that he is still a real father, with the rights of that status, not just the financial responsibility.

By Michele

December 13, 2006 06:50 PM | Link to this

Ed-

I wouldn’t run to alter just because I met a man and have kids.

Sarah-

I am not ignorant. People are not ignorant because of how many children they may or may not have. People are ignorant because they lack knowledge.

If we want 10 kids then that is our business. I am not asking you to raise them or step parent them.

Stepdad-

It figures that’s how you would see things. Wouldn’t be that way in MY house. OJ is a murderer and I am in NO WAY in the same category as him. Small people small minds.

By Brenda

December 13, 2006 07:17 PM | Link to this

One very important thing a person with children should do before marrying is to ensure that your future spouse loves your children. If you make sure that there is love and respect, then the problems will be minimized. Most problems with step parenting is that people with children fall in love, marry and have not included the children in the decision making. Your future spouse should be a friend, parent and guardian to your children before you get married. If the love and respect are there before you say, “I DO”, then you would not have to worry as much about whether your new spouse should say anything to your children because they would have already been communicating and interacting from the beginning of your relationship.

By William

December 14, 2006 06:29 AM | Link to this

Step kids? I’m having problems with my own kids.

By Redwing

December 14, 2006 06:39 AM | Link to this

When my wife and I got married, 27 years ago, we both had 4 children, put the two families together, giving us 8, and it was a joint decision that we each would discipline them. I disciplined them when I was there, and my wife did if I was out of town. My wife had been in an abusive marriage, and my wife was having an affair, wanted out of the marriage, and did not want the children. In fact, she did not see any of them for eleven years after the divorce. The blended family got along so well, that there is a stronger relationship between my wife’s daughters and mine than there is with each others siblings. We did not have a lot when we first married, but we did have love for each other and the children. We ate together, went to church together, and went camping together, because we could not initially afford vacations. My youngest daughter was 3 when we married, and she recently married herself. As the wedding drew to a close, my daughter came back to my wife, the only mother she had ever known, gave her the bouquet, and told her how much she loved her. As a matter of fact, neither of our exes have ever been involved in any of the childrens weddings. If you show love, the kids will feel it.

By susan

December 14, 2006 07:45 AM | Link to this

It is one thing if the ex has a problem with the stepdad disciplining his child; however, the ex has absolutely no right to object when the stepdad says something to the child when they are disprespectful to his wife.

By Roderick

December 14, 2006 08:26 AM | Link to this

You people are smoking CRACK! Just because a couple gets divorced, and (for example) the woman gets remarried and the children happen to live with her does her new husband all of a sudden become the head over THEIR children…unless the bio-father is a dead beat!!!

If the bio-father is taking care of his kids financially and is active in their lives, then the mother’s new husband should stay in his position as the husband of HIS wife…NOT the father of THEIR children!

As a happily married father of 3 boys (all from my wife..thank God), if me and my wife got a divorce and she got remarried the bottom line is this..HE WOULD HAVE NO SAY OVER MY KIDS…PERIOD!

By married mom

December 14, 2006 08:34 AM | Link to this

My husband has raised my 17-year-old from the age of 5. Her dad lives 300 miles away so my husband is just another dad to her- I’d even say he is her primary father figure. He has no other children so he considers her his daughter. I think my ex actually likes the fact that she has a concerned father figure in the home, and he supports my husband taking a role in her upbringing. He is fully involved in decision-making and discipline in our household. On the flip side I often have to convince my ex that it’s ok to discipline her (mainly by taking away the cell phone) when she is at his house.

By Roderick

December 14, 2006 08:39 AM | Link to this

I had to bold this..just to say it again….. Bold: this text will be bolded =You people are smoking CRACK! Just because a couple gets divorced, and (for example) the woman gets remarried and the children happen to live with her does her new husband all of a sudden become the head over THEIR children…unless the bio-father is a dead beat!!!

If the bio-father is taking care of his kids financially and is active in their lives, then the mother’s new husband should stay in his position as the husband of HIS wife…NOT the father of THEIR children!

As a happily married father of 3 boys (all from my wife..thank God), if me and my wife got a divorce and she got remarried the bottom line is this..HE WOULD HAVE NO SAY OVER MY KIDS…PERIOD!

By Roderick

December 14, 2006 08:49 AM | Link to this

Okay, I finally got it right… **You people are smoking CRACK! Just because a couple gets divorced, and (for example) the woman gets remarried and the children happen to live with her does her new husband all of a sudden become the head over THEIR children…unless the bio-father is a dead beat!!!

If the bio-father is taking care of his kids financially and is active in their lives, then the mother’s new husband should stay in his position as the husband of HIS wife…NOT the father of THEIR children!

As a happily married father of 3 boys (all from my wife..thank God), if me and my wife got a divorce and she got remarried the bottom line is this..HE WOULD HAVE NO SAY OVER MY KIDS…PERIOD!**

By 2bme4ever

December 14, 2006 08:56 AM | Link to this

Kelley - I can’t believe YOU put up with it!!! Are you so in need of a break that you allow your child to be exposed to such treatment? You should petition the courts and have that particular situation remedied before you more serious damage can be done to your child’s self-esteem. WHAT R U THINKING ?????

By past50mom

December 14, 2006 09:01 AM | Link to this

Roderick, People who divorce and remarry create a new family dynamic that will only work if there is respect established between all of the parties. The non-custodial parent is NOT in charge in the stepparent’s home, and the children need to abide by the new family rules as well as continuing their relationship with the absent parent. It’s not about dominance as you apparently think; rather it’s about rearing children in loving and respectful homes.

By Melanie

December 14, 2006 09:03 AM | Link to this

Wow, ask and it shall be given. I was out sick yesterday, but read everything this morning. My new husband is wonderful with the kids. They started off not liking him, but they learned to respect and care for him because of the same qualities I see. The only time he steps in is when he thinks my kids have gotten conpletely out of control or out of line with me or the situation. And believe me, when he steps in, EVERYBODY toes the line! He has gotten all over my son for being disrespectful to me or just wanting to drift through life just getting by. My daughter actually gets along better with him than her bio-dad. He provides for us and is a calm rock when I lose my temper with my kids. He gives his opinion when situations occur, but leaves the ultimate decision to me. I do the same with his kids. It’s so wonderful to have a united front. He was the one that made the effort to break down the walls with my ex-husband and now, while not bussom-buddies, speak and act civily towards each other. It can all work out and work well when parties make the effort instead of crossing your arms and being defiant with the step parents. You parents that say that the step parent has NO SAY, PERIOD (hello, Roderick) are completely missing the boat and cause more strife in both the adluts and kid’s lives. Grow up and act like adults (thanks, Shirly). Parents, take a step back and look what you are doing to either promote your kid’s life or showing them negatives and dragging them down. It’s a fact of life that divorces DO happen, regretfully. But it’s not nearly as bad on the kids if they see the adult (i.e., role models) acting mature and genuinely concerned about their well being. Think about it and drop the ego. We’ll all do better that way.

By Ed

December 14, 2006 09:33 AM | Link to this

Roderick, you are a neanderthal, ignorant and too caught up with yourself and your “father” ego. I pray that you never get divorced because it seens that you would be the problem, not the answer to it.

By what the heck

December 14, 2006 10:09 AM | Link to this

Sarah, You should be ashamed for name calling. Why does having (5) kid make you ignorant? Why do some people always resort to name calling?

By abc

December 14, 2006 10:10 AM | Link to this

Au contraire, Roderick. As head of the household in which your children lived, the prospective step-father would have all measure of control and “say-so” over them, period.

By delighted

December 14, 2006 10:33 AM | Link to this

I have been reading all of the comments and I understand both sides. However, I am a stepmom to 2 kids and I find it very hard. (I don’t have any biological kids) The biomom has made my life a living you know what and my husband hasn’t done anything about it (because he doesn’t believe she does it) and she says stupid things like I can’t be in the car when he picks/drops the kids off. Just flat out drama. I can only imagine what she says about me to the kids. So therefore I don’t even deal with the kids because of their mother. The oldest is a sweetheart but the younger one behaves badly. Now my husband wants the kids to come and live with us, but I don’t want them to. Partly because he says they are “his” kids and he doesn’t want me to discipline them and another reason is because their mother is crazy. So I say the kids can stay where they are until I can discipline them in OUR HOUSE!

By Step Dad

December 14, 2006 10:39 AM | Link to this

Sarah

If you would read the context you would have figured out I was talking to Michele. But you just made your point about small minds and your lack of knowledge about yourself. LOL

By Ed

December 14, 2006 11:19 AM | Link to this

I am absolutely blown away by the people that think the step parent has no say in disciplie. No wonder kids run wild today!

By meme

December 14, 2006 02:21 PM | Link to this

I don’t think the children are the problem. After reading the blog today, I think some of the stepparents are on a power trip.

By Janet

December 15, 2006 11:17 AM | Link to this

I am a step mother to an eight year old boy. His father and I have full custody of him. His mother gave him up when he was an infant because she did not want him. We still allow her to have visitation with him. She has no problem with my diciplining the child if neccessary. My husband backs me 100% with my decisions. As long as I am the primary care giver for the child I will do as I see necessary to rais ehim to be the best he can be. I love him just as though he were my biological child. As far as he knows or cares, he has two moms and one dad.

By SNY

December 15, 2006 12:11 PM | Link to this

Okay, I have read all 161 comments on this blog and some of you have a great understanding of being a step parent and some of you need to stay married for the rest of your children’s lives. I have been a stepmom for 10 years. (Wow, time really flies) and I have 2 kids of my own with their father. I have to tell you that there is not better feeling than having your son (the only steps in my house go to the top floor - all 4 of them are my kids - PERIOD!) call you and thank you for getting him the best pair of cleats on the football team. Okay, to backtrack a little:

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 6. When I met him, he had the cutes 4 and 5 year old children that I had ever saw. The moment I saw his son, I knew that I would be friends with him right away. He was sweet, loving and understanding. Of course, he was only 5 years old. The daughter on the other hand was going to be a challenge. I met his children after dating my husband only 3 months. I thought that it was a little soon but we decided that we were going to try and make a life together and they were a part of his life. The VERY FIRST thing he said to me was “If my kids don’t like you, then we are not going to make it as a couple. My kids mean everything to me and there isn’t a woman on the face of this earth that will come before them.” Ladies, at that very moment, I knew that this was MY man. Even though at the time, I had no children, I respected how much he loved his kids. We had “baby momma drama” for about 3 years and then the bio mom and I sat down during a visit and actually talked. Once she realized that I love her kids almost as much as she did (stepparents can love, but be honest, you can never love as much as a GOOD bio parent) everything has been wonderful since. Back to the football story. My other kids live in up North and my son wanted to play football. He is on the Jr. NBA team for his state so his mother said no, that he had to stick with basketball. But she let him ask his father. My husband said yes. So you have a yes and a no answer - guess who was the tie breaker - ME. I loved that they trusted me enough to give me a say so even when I was obviously going to disagree with one of them. I went with the yes answer because I thought that letting him play a new sport would be healthy for him. The parents (all 3 of us) talked and we decided that even though we pay her more than enough child support, my husband and I would pay for the football expenses. Not because she couldn’t afford it, because she can, but because she was initially against it. (I didn’t think that it was fair to her.) So, my husband was suppose to go and buy him his cleats and he forgot. We got a call on Friday morning before work asking where the cleats were because full weigh in was on Saturday. Of course, ladies, that’s when my husband realized that he forgot to get them. So he asked me to pick them up. I had no clue what a cleat looked like or if there were different kinds of cleats for different sports. I went to work 7:30 - 4:30, picked up my daughter from daycare, dropped her off at my mom’s house, went to the store got the cleats, went to fedex and shipped them 1st priority to my son and got to school, yes I had a class that night, all by 6:00 p.m. I was exhausted but I got my baby his cleats. The package arrived at the same time that the coach came to pick my son up for practice. He put them on, went to practice and had the best pair of cleats on the team. All because of me and my love and efforts. Every player on the team wanted the exact pair but he was the only one with them. He was so excited that as soon as he got home, he called and left this exact message: “SNY, thanks for the cleats, they were the exact ones that I wanted and they got here just in time like you promised. I love them. Everyone on the teams wants a pair but I am the only player with them. They’re the best. I love you so much, you are the best mom in the world.” Of course I cried my eyes out when I heard that. I saved that message because I want to remember the 1st day that he called me mom!

Now, when we go on vacations, the entire family goes, ex-wife included. Boyfriend to if she has one at the time. When we go up north to visit, we stay at her house and my husband keeps the kids with him at all times. The ex and I go shopping or get our hair and nails done or just sit around and do absolutely NOTHING. I love our relationship.

By the way, my daughter warmed up to me as well. But she is still at the point where she wants her mom and dad together still. I completely understand that and I let her know that what she wants is natural and that I understand where she is coming from. Her mother and I talk to her toghter about it all the time. She loves me and she knows that I love her. That is good enough for me. When they are with us and I have discipline problems, I do administer punishments and usually if I don’t, the ex is screaming at me to do something. As far as she is concerned, as long as they are in my house, they follow my rules. I try not to make them too far off from the rules at her house. The situation works perfectly for us.

Sorry this was so long, but I wanted people to see that a blended family can work out in the end even if it does start out a little rocky.

Good luck to everyone. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

By bellamomma

December 18, 2006 04:08 PM | Link to this

sny~ if i ever do get divorced (god forbid) i pray that i am able to have a realationship like yours. I will try with every bone in my body to make it work the way you have.

By bellamomma

December 18, 2006 04:16 PM | Link to this

my question for Kelly is why didn’t you approach the wicked witch and ex yourself? I realize kids exagerate, so I would have aproached the step and asked her what was going on. Either she will explain it was a misunderstanding, get embarrased and stop being so rude or look you in the eye and admitt it (at which time I would go into a fit of rage). Either way the problem would get solved, even if you had to kick some step mom butt.