MOMania

By GaNative

December 13, 2006 09:59 AM | Link to this

Anytime I put a roof over the kid’s head and food on the table, I have a right to discipline them. If the ex objects, let him come get em and take em with him. That’s why it’s really critical to consider the consequences of marrying someone with baggage. It’s really hard to discipline a kid when the ex is telling them he better not say anything or do anything to you. Now the ex never says “he better no do anything FOR you”. It’s no wonder soooo many stepp kids tell their step dad “SHUT UP, U AINT MY DADDY”. I’m just thankfule I’m not caught up in that mess.

By past50mom

December 13, 2006 10:13 AM | Link to this

Marriages are partnerships in which both parents, step or orignal, share the parenting duties, including discipline. Both parents need to work together, and not against each other. You deserve as much respect as you show for yourself, for your spouse and for your children.

By Richard

December 13, 2006 10:14 AM | Link to this

If the child lives with me, then you better bet your sweet @ss that I’ve got a right to discipline that child and guide that child as I see fit. If I’m the “father-figure” in the house, then let me act like the father. If the ex has a different opinion on a particular matter, then we’ll try and work it out.

Say the child is a girl and the ex (real dad) says it’s okay for her to date at 14. If I don’t think it’s right for her to date until she’s 16, then she’s not going to date until she’s 16 - when she’s with me. If she goes and visits him and he lets her go on a date, then its none of my business. BUT, when she’s with me, then she’ll act as I believe.

By meme

December 13, 2006 10:40 AM | Link to this

A stepparent should have absolutely no say in the life of a child.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 10:43 AM | Link to this

Richard, it’s not that easy. My daughter in particular just turned 15 and is for the most part a well balanced teen (go figure). Her step dad spoils her to no end and loves her like his own. What’s the problem then? I don’t know but I wish I did. She came back from a weekend with her dad & out of the blue said she was thinking about moving to his house. We both were stunned and after doing some snooping, crying and investigating we found out she suddenly has a problem with her step dad butting in (so she says) when we’re making family decisions. Yes I say family because if she wants to go on a ski trip with the church that costs over $500, then guess who’s helping pay? I work and make good money but as with most households (not all) he’s the primary income producer. He has no problem spending on her and has never let her go without, so where in the heck did this come from? When I mentioned it to her bio father he simply stated that he has no business butting in anyway, but the bio father has no problem with him paying for every thing she gets and driving her around from sport to sport every evening. My husbands feelings are extremely hurt right now and I don’t know what to do or say to either of them. I can’t be the only one going through this and to all the men that say I run the house-they’ll do what I say…BULLCRAP!!! It doesn’t work that way.

By Wednesday

December 13, 2006 10:46 AM | Link to this

Then there’s the “don’t touch my kid”. I have seen numerous situations where the Mom has remarried, and the stepfather is not ALLOWED to disclipine the stepchildren.

I’m on the fence about this one. I am a single parent, but the ex is no where to be found. So when I do re-marry (positive thinking), I don’t think this would be an issue. But I would like to see what the other posters have to say.

By Kelley

December 13, 2006 10:46 AM | Link to this

Love me, love my kids. I was very selective when I remarried to make sure my husband would treat my child as his own…and he does. And when he needs to step in and discipline, he does…and I back him up…although, he does leave the majority of it up to me.

Unfortunately, my ex married someone who hates the fact that he was married before AND has a child. So she continuously rides my daughter’s a##. Just as an example of how crazy she is when it comes to her stepchild, when my daughter was younger and would visit my ex for the weekend, his wife would make him keep my daughter in the basement as much as possible because she couldn’t be bothered with her. And even as recent as last weekend, stepmother and their daughter ate at the table, she told my ex and daughter they should eat in the basement. Since it is obvious that she hasn’t/won’t embrace my daughter, I don’t think she deserves any say in the discipline as it is more out of disgust than love. The real shocker is that my ex puts up with it!

By KMorgan

December 13, 2006 10:46 AM | Link to this

As the eldest child in my family, with a younger sister still living with my Mom and step-dad, I have witnessed the struggle first-hand. My sister had a VERY difficult time at first listening to my step-dad, but he was very patient and understanding… it’s tough for a child to take instruction from a new person, especially when the prior example of a father was not a good one. I believe a step-parent should be able to discipline, but they have to understand that they can’t just waltz in and expect to be listened too… respect must come first.

My step-dad has earned respect from my little sister (key word: earned) and now listens to him and respects his advice.

By Kay

December 13, 2006 10:48 AM | Link to this

This is a huge problem is homes today. As for us, I think my ex has actually went as far as to tell my kids NOT to listen to my husband. They actually do the opposite and listen to him which makes the ex look crazy. He is not here raising them on a daily basis and me and my ex are responsible for them. I think he has a bit of jealousy and may miss his family. I ask this question, if he thinks I’m a great mom then why think I would let someone come into our lives that isn’t equally great?

Now what if the child was about to stick something in the light socket and the husband didnt say anything and just let the child do it, would the ex be okay with discipline then?

It takes a villiage to raise a child. If the husband is not allow to discipline and he’s raising whether it be financial, emotional etc. then what makes a teacher any different? Teachers aren’t the kids parents either. You can’t explain why the new husband can’t discipline but the a teacher can.

This father is obviously holding some type of grudge or jealousy.

By GATransplant

December 13, 2006 10:48 AM | Link to this

Why is this an issue? If the step parent has the best wishes of the child’s welfare in mind when disciplining the child, the missing bio-parent as well as the present bio-parent should welcome the fact that this person cares enough to get involved. How can a bio-parent expect to successfully live in a house with someone that they ask to help feed and be there for their child, while removing him/her from the disciplining of the child. Couples raising children together bring a balance to a child’s life that the child can not gain from one parent. Either a parent is too lenient or too strict, which is where the balancing act comes into play. How can you allow the absent bio-parent to reduce efforts of the step-parent, when it is in the best interests of the present bio-parent, as was the case in the article, and when it is ultimately in the best interest of the child?

If you have a psycho on your hands attacking your child for no reason, that is a completely different story that requires that you get away from the psycho.

By Slim

December 13, 2006 10:50 AM | Link to this

Lynn That’s a tough one, but I wonder if the bio father said something to the daughter to make her suddenly want to move in with him. These situations can be very tricky. I support your side, since your new hubby is so good to your daughter (you are very lucky). I think your ex may have a bit of jealously over the new stepparent??

By KMorgan

December 13, 2006 10:52 AM | Link to this

In response to Lynn’s comment, I used to see the same thing when my siblings would go to my dad’s house. They seem to be the one’s stirring up the trouble. And you’re right… they don’t seem to have a problem with the step-dad providing for the child, both financially and as a good father-figure. If a teacher called and told the father that his child was acting up, he would most likely give them permission to discipline the child, so why can’t the step-dad? In my opinion, they need to let go of their ego and let the step-dad help raise the child.

By Kay

December 13, 2006 10:53 AM | Link to this

Kelley,

If your ex allows his new wife to do this, you should stop her from going over there.

By Kelley

December 13, 2006 10:54 AM | Link to this

Lynn-

Don’t lose too much sleep over this. My daughter used to think her father (my ex) hung the moon yet we were the ones providing most of the emotional, physical, and financial support. All I ever heard was “Daddy this…and Daddy that.” Now she is 18 and off to college. And who does she want to be with? Me. She rarely even stays with her father now…she sees right through her father and the wicked stepmother after all these years of me biting my tongue. I knew one day she would see it but it had to be her realization. Chalk up your 15-year-old’s decision-making to her youth. Generally this is a very selfish age and right now she wants what she wants. If she is a good kid like you say, in time, she will see the error of her ways.

By Louisiana Girl

December 13, 2006 10:56 AM | Link to this

My husband disciplines my son, even though he is not the bio father. Fortunately, the bio father is not in the picture, so there is no “baby daddy drama” and my son thinks of my husband as his dad.

I think what happens is that the “adults” have not dealt with their own feelings after the divorce so they do or say things to cause stress for the ex, not realizing the damage they could be doing to the child. It should not matter whether the step or the bio disciplines, as long as the child is being taught right from wrong.

By Kay

December 13, 2006 10:58 AM | Link to this

I agree GaTransplant, allowing the absent parent to reduce the efforts of the stepparent is not good for the child. Alot of children grow up confused about who to listen to when we put them in the middle of our mess. If the childs best interest is at hand, then it shouldnt matter.

By Kelley

December 13, 2006 11:01 AM | Link to this

Kay-She is 18 now and rarely visits him because of the BS. She does like to visit her little half-sister so she does want to visit. I didn’t want to deny her father his time with her. And quite frankly, she was probably better off in the basement instead of upstairs with the jealous stepmother.

By Stacey

December 13, 2006 11:01 AM | Link to this

Although I have never had nor been a step parent, I believe that anyone who is responsible for providing care for a child has the right to discipline. Like GaNative, I know someone who tells the child to talkback to the stepfather (father does nothing for the child). The mother is the disciplinarian in the home but donor doesn’t want the stepdad to even tell the child to do his chores.

By Ed

December 13, 2006 11:08 AM | Link to this

The stepparent needs to be both patient and realistic. I married a woman who was in the military and also the mother of a five year old boy and twelve year daughter when we married. Her military career meant that she often had to be gone from home for periods of time with me, the stepfather, in charge of the house and also in charge of their welfare and needs too. The bond between the younger one, the boy and myself, was quicker. We were able to connect on the level of sports and video games and doing things we think of as ‘guy things’. However, with the daughter the bond was not as quick to form. More times more than once she reminded me that my role was a stepparent and not a ‘real’ one. I was patient and let time run its course. I picked my battles wisely and often placed myself in their shoes to be able to appreciate their perspectives. Afterall, here was this strange man in their house telling them what to do. Sometimes it was an excercise of good common sense that came to the rescue. There’s some growing pains and adjustments you have to get through, then it is possible it can work out for you. Fast forward twenty years and we’re a happy family and although legally I am still the stepdad I am called Grandpapa by my stepdaughters two kids and their ‘real’ or biological grandfather is called Big Daddy.

By Kay

December 13, 2006 11:10 AM | Link to this

My solution for this problem, which I’ve experienced, I stopped them from going over there before. When he told my son not to listen to an adult, which we are the ones raising them every single day, I stopped them from going until he came to his senses. People dont realize the damage and confusion you can do to a child by telling them this. The bio father need to respect the household rules since this is where the kids are majority. If not then, youre out for causing problems. Hell, the kids have enough to worry about at school and with growing up without having to worry about the constant back and forth of parents.

By abc

December 13, 2006 11:11 AM | Link to this

If the child resides in the same house as the step-parent, the step-parent must participate in all parenting, including discipline. If an ex has a problem with it, tough. If the ex influences the child negatively, too bad, occupational hazard.

If the step-parent lives with the non-custodial parent of the child, the step-parent should butt out completely.

By Jack

December 13, 2006 11:15 AM | Link to this

This is a very hard subject for alot of different reasons. I have 2 beautiful daughters from a previous marriage and my ex wife lives with a guy out of wedlock that I feel is a man I would not want to be a father figure to anyones child. Unfortunatly the court system has not established and probely will never establish laws pertaining to this subject. Unfortunatly it is something no one can control. The only thing you can do as the bio parent is to parent the child to the best of your abilities when you have them show by your actions what your family values are about. Show your children what family and parenting are to you. Such as love, respect, values, self respect, self worth, discipline, boundaries, morals ect.. As long as the step parent does not physically or mentally abuse my children then whats the harm of co parenting the children in the home? When your children gets to a mature age they will be able to decifer what parent, whether it be the bio parent or step parent that they can get the best guidance, advise and family values from. Thats why the courts say that the judge will take a strong consideration as to what parent they want to live with when the child becomes 14yrs old. This is a hard subect for me because I am a christian man that attends and serves in the church, my ex and her live in boyfriend do not attend church and have no biblical teaching about them. The only advise I can give is that if someone feels like the step parent is physically or mentally abusive then take your ex to court and see if you can get help through the law and court system. Otherwise let the step parent discipline your child as they see fit because like I said the child once of mature age will figure things out. Everything should be based on whats in the best interest of the children. Please be the adult and be mature when it comes to parenting children. Never discuss any adult issue in front of children and never put the children in the middle and never use children as pawns. If you really want to be proactive join a non-custodial parents rights group or fathers rights group and try to change legislation to improve the family court system. I know from experience that the family court system in Georgia needs to be reformed in a big way. If you feel like the ex and the step parent are not rearing your child the proper way than hire an attorney and take them to court for custody. It’s horrible when you know that your children are being raised in a poor environment and you do not have the money to hire an attorney because unfortunatly if you represent yourself then your bound to lose… I feel a step parent does have the right to parent a step child as long as they are not abusive physically or mentally and as long as their teachings, parenting, advise does not lead to bad advise or morals. Such as telling my daughters that its okay to have sex at 13, 14, 15, 16 or as long as their parenting styles are not to lenient. Children need discipline, rules and boundaries for thier own protection. My wife is a GREAT step mother that I allow to parent my children of my previous marriage however if she was to ever do or say anything out of line to my kids than I would talk to her about it and would make sure that it never happens again.

By Peridot

December 13, 2006 11:21 AM | Link to this

I have seen some REALLY good, loving and supportive step-parents in my time. Growing up, I had friends whose stepfathers treated them as very well, if not better, than their own bio-kids. I guess each situation is different.

My brother is re-married and his 2nd wife tries really hard with his kids — and the kids adore her, but she is always stepping on my ex-sister-in-law’s toes. They work it out, though, for the sake of the kids — and that’s what’s important.

I have been married to my children’s (bio)dad for 15 years. For me, having someone, who is not my children’s father, living with us has always been out of the question. I’ve always said that if something happended to my marriage or my spouse, I would not remarry until my children are grown and out of the house.

People are so weird anymore — you just never know what kind a person you’re getting with. The thought of an unrelated man living in my house with my beautiful teen daughter (and son)creeps me out.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 11:22 AM | Link to this

Thanks to all on the comments back. @Slim, yes jealousy is part of the problem I believe. I left him 7 years ago & he’s yet to date let alone marry. He’s a miserable person so that make’s sense to those who know him. My daughter did change her mind after I reminded her why she left his house in the first place but I can’t play cat-n-mouse games with her forever. Her step dad is a wonderfull person and has no children of his own so naturally he wants to help raise her and bring her up with his values and believe me, his values are much stronger than her fathers. @Kelly, thanks, that’s a little reassuring. I just want her to show some love and appreciation to the one guiding her the most in a fatherly figure way. And yes, selfish is what I told she was being but she doesn’t see it that way. Obviously dad has said something to distort her thinking and hopefully it’s a temporary thing.

By Ashleigh

December 13, 2006 11:24 AM | Link to this

My parents divorced when I was 19 and I’m now 21. My brother is now 13 and is not really taking a liking to my mom’s boyfriend. My mom is totally in love with this guy and wants to marry him and there has been talk about it. If her boyfriend comes into the picture, that’ll be a sad day at Mom’s house. My brother goes over to my dad’s almost every weekend and they both just sit there and belittle Mom and her boyfriend to the point that it’s sickening to hear them talk that way. I know for a fact that my brother wouldn’t listen to the boyfriend if he ever became his step-dad. He thinks very little of this guy and it’s sad to see that because my brother blocked out all of the horrible memories of what my father used to do to us.

The boyfriend would discipline my brother with an iron fist, which is what he really needs since my dad just lets him do whatever he wants. When he comes home, he’s a total brat to the point that I just want to back hand him sometimes when I come over and visit.

I totally agree that if the step-parent has the step-child living under their roof, they have a say so in disciplining. It’s not about whose child it is. I think it’s about actual child rearing and teaching a child to be the best they can be.

For those saying that step parents don’t have a say-so in discipline, I was wondering if the same attitude applies for people that adopt children?

By Donna Outlaw

December 13, 2006 11:27 AM | Link to this

I have been raising my stepson for over six years and have my youngest of four still living in my house. If we’re going to live as a family unit, they will be disciplined by both parents in the family unit. We have rules that apply to both of them equally and we will not get into the trap of “You’re not my parent so I don’t have to listen to you.” My stepson’s mother has visitation every other weekend and lets him do whatever he wants to do. The only backup we get is from her mother who is very aware of her daughter’s lack of parenting and helps by providing backup when my stepson tries to play all of us against each other. You can not have a family/home that has different rules for the kids. It simply doesn’t work.

By Amelia

December 13, 2006 11:31 AM | Link to this

I think it greatly depends on the age of the child. I was 9 when my mother remarried, but my father had always been very active in my life. When my stepfather began trying to tell me what I could and could not do, it was infuriating.
I also think it is important to define what one means by “discipline.” Do you mean spanking, grounding, taking away privileges, allowance, or what? I don’t think it is ever right for someone who is not the mother or father of a child to physically discipline him or her. I think the discipline should in all cases come directly from the biological parent. If the stepparent feels the child should be disciplined, it should first be discussed with and carried out by the biological parent only.

By GaTransplant

December 13, 2006 11:32 AM | Link to this

I am not the bio-father of my daughter, who I have helped raise since she was 3 years old. She is now 15 and will be 16 in just a few months. We don’t use the word (step) to describe our relationship. At one time, I was the only working adult paying for everything in her life. I have had times when she has returned from a visit and thought less of me than her bio-father and I have had times when she has returned and I have been called by the bio-father’s mother, who initially didn’t like me, and spoken to with new found respect. I have even gotten presents and hugs from the bio-father’s mother. I get along well with the bio-father and always have, so there is no drama between us. I don’t bad mouth him and he doesn’t bad mouth me. I am taking care of his daughter.

When my daughter was visiting a friend, who had a child and a step child she came away with words that the children were using like ‘my real dad’ and suddenly called me ‘step-dad’. I didn’t protest much but told her that I have a brother who has a different mother, but he is not my step brother, he is my brother. I predicted that the family would have problems and as months passed by that family fell apart. They were well on their way because these words are meant to draw lines. Being a family is about not drawing lines that separate but finding ways to intermingle and communicate.

My feelings were hurt a few times because of all that I have done for her but I am not made of glass. In time, she realized how important a figure I was in her life and we currently don’t have any issues.

By meme

December 13, 2006 11:33 AM | Link to this

Some of you are talking about mom’s boyfriends or dad’s girlfriends. They are not stepparents. They are just interferring adults.

By meme

December 13, 2006 11:38 AM | Link to this

Being a parent who adopts is a legal obligation. Being a step parent is not.

By very wicked stepmom

December 13, 2006 11:38 AM | Link to this

I married a man who had 4 children from a previous marriage, and get this, they all lived with him !! My husband’s ex had basically walked away from him and the 4 kids for an affair with a 16 year old boy (she was 31 at the time it happened). As soon as the ex realized (through the kids, no doubt) that we were getting serious, the stunts started: she systematically poisoned the children (ages 6, 12, 14 and 16) with comments about what we should have done or didn’t do. I entered the situation with no kids of my own, but had strong family ties of an intact family, and I felt like I knew pretty much what was right and wrong, and the guilt of divorce wasn’t clouding my judgement. Not too long after we married, the onslaught started — the kids would do stuff just to cause a problem, and we would naturally react/discipline. The ex told her oldest son that she didn’t want anyone else being a mother to her children. Well, she should have stuck around to do it herself, she didn’t even ask for custody. There were times when I didn’t know if we could stay married because of all the turmoil she caused, but we did the right thing and stuck it out. The kids are all grown now, and the ex still tries to make them miserable about their dad’s remarriage, even though it’s been 17 years! Yes, I disciplined them, and I think I was right to do it, but it wasn’t easy and was downright unpleasant at times. I sure wasn’t waiting on the ex to approve or disapprove what we did. She is the last person I would ask for an opinion.

By Ashleigh

December 13, 2006 11:41 AM | Link to this

I think it’s fair to talk about the boyfriends or the girlfriends, meme. There could be a high chance of marriage to the bio parent. And there are also instances of instinct of discipline when someone is acting up of say, a son or daughter back talking, which is highly uncalled for and the boyfriend or girfriend says, “You can’t talk to them like that.”

I don’t know..this is a pretty touchy issue today. Both sides are right on some aspect.

By Jack

December 13, 2006 11:46 AM | Link to this

Sorry but after reading some of these blogs I must say this. Just because the father does not have primary custody does NOT make him anyless of a parent. Myself and many other fathers take a very active role in their childrens life’s. Also myself and many fathers financially support thier children through child support which is law and they buy their kids alot of clothes and other things above the child support. Myself and many fathers also pay for things such as trips, sports, extra curricular activities, that is on top on child support. So please stop saying the step father is financially giving to your kids, that does not make him or give him the right to parent a child that is not his. What gives him the right to parent a step child is his ability to be a good parent such as love, respect, values, morals, loving the child as if it were is own, ect… A step parent can be a better parent than the bio parent and NEVER financially give one cent to the kid. Many fathers would give anything to have primary custody. I personnaly think shared parenting, where both parents would have the children the same amount of time and no one would pay child support is a better way but Georgia’s family court does not agree, however 24 other states do agree with it. Sorry but some of the blogs upset me.

By meme

December 13, 2006 11:48 AM | Link to this

There may be some chance of marriage, Ashleigh, but it probably isn’t very high. I, however, don’t think that even if they were married to the parent that they should have a say in the discipline. That is just my own personal opinion and I realize that most of the people on this blog do not agree with me.

By Jesse's Girl

December 13, 2006 11:48 AM | Link to this

Unless Mr. Jesse was beating me daily….I’m just not the divorcing type. I know that all of you who have gone through one have no doubt had astonishingly valid reasons. But all this drama just drives my point home that divorce should be an absolute last resort. I come from a twice divorced home….once at 3 and again at 17. So I know the pain from both age perspectives…..it sucks. And so many divorces happen because the man and woman just give up. Again, I know that most of you on here probably had serious issues that lead to the divorce. I just wish more people would stop approaching marriage like they were leasing a car…..”I’ll trade up soon.” I know this doesn’t directly go hand in hand with today’s topic…..but thats my two cents.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 11:52 AM | Link to this

Peridot, your last comment really threw me off. You don’t think that your best judgement would be enough before you allow another man whom you trust and love to come into your house until your children are grown and gone? I did and hey, I made a better choice of a significant other the second time around. For your sake I hope nothing ever does happen to your marriage because that could be a very lonely life to live without the love and touch of another.

By Peridot

December 13, 2006 11:52 AM | Link to this

As far as discipline goes — the boyfriend/girlfriend vs. steparent issue is HUGELY different. If I were single and dating, no freakin’ way would I allow my boyfriend to discipline my kids.

By Jack

December 13, 2006 11:56 AM | Link to this

Also one more thing. I do NOT think that a boyfriend or girlfriend should parent or discipline any child period. Who is to say that that boyfriend or girlfriend will still be in the picture a year from now. It is already emotionally hard for a child coming from a broken family, why put the child through the emotional *ell of mommy or daddy bringing many different boyfriends or girlfriends in their lives and expecting for them to accepting them to discipline them? Thats bad parenting on the bio parents part. Only let step parents ( meaning you are remarried) discipline your children and only if they properly discipline them..

By Michele

December 13, 2006 11:57 AM | Link to this

A step parent is NOT a “new daddy or mommy” and has NO say in how a child that is NOT biologically theirs should be raised, disciplined etc…

I don’t care how much money the step parent brings into the house. Money doesn’t equal the right to have a say.

I am married, but if I ever got a divorce I won’t get re-married because I have 5 children to think of.

By Shirley

December 13, 2006 11:59 AM | Link to this

meme, you have an outdated and unworkable view towards step parents. OF COURSE the step parents at the very least, have a say in the disciplining of the child! In today’s world when combining families is more commen than ever, BOTH sets of parents should work TOGETHER in the rules and discipline. Whichever roof the child sleeps under, they must abide by those rules, PERIOD! Problematic es’s are the ones that cause the problem. The biological parents are not together anymore. ACCEPT IT! Saying the child does not have to listen to the step parent (assuming he/she is rational and level headed) is insane and putting the child in control. Children already have a knack for disrespecting authority figures without people like you pouring gas on the fire. If you don’t think they should listen to the step parent, keep the child at your house 100% of the time. Some parents attempt to turn the children against the step parents and that is just plain ‘ol dirty pool. Move on and catch up with society. BOTH the parent and the step parent have every right to parent the child. I tell my 2 daughters that if I EVER hear of them speaking disrespectfully to their dad, their step mom, me or their step dad there’s gonna be BIG trouble in paradise.

By QB

December 13, 2006 12:00 PM | Link to this

GATransplant: I agree with you on that issue of using “step”. When my mother remarried, I didn’t refer to her husband as my step-dad or to his children from a previous marriage as step-this & step-that. He became my dad and they became my brothers and sisters regardless of the blood relation. Later on, I stopped calling him dad because of his actions but I still refer to his children as my sisters/brothers. I do believe that any adults within a 2nd marriage (children included) that are providing healthy, safe and loving homes have the right to raise all kids in the family as their own. I draw the line at those so-called parents who demand a say-so and respect when they in turn behave abusively, mean, and selfishly toward everyone else.

By Ashleigh

December 13, 2006 12:04 PM | Link to this

Okay..I was just wondering what everyone’s take on it was. Everyone has a different situation.

By Susan

December 13, 2006 12:06 PM | Link to this

I have a lot to say on this matter but I won’t bore you with all the details. I just have to say I see both sides. I think a step parent should have a certain amount of say in all aspects, especially when the child lives with them and they provide for them. On the other hand I personally took offense to my daughter’s step mother trying to tell me what to do with her and how I was going to do things. 1. she had no right to tell me what to do. 2. she wasn’t the one raising her. 3. She wasn’t paying child support- nor was the ex. She inititated the process every time we went to court because she didn’t like me and she wanted to be in charge( she wore the pants in their family). They were so petty that they had it written into court documents that my daughter was NEVER to call her step dad “Daddy”. Even though that’s how she thinks of him, he has raised her since she was 4 and she is now almost 19. He has provided food, shelter, medical, guidance, 2 sets of braces, education, a lot of love and even her first car while the only thing her real dad can claim is biological paternity. Every situation is different but don’t allow your child to play both ends of the stick. Have a joint family meeting with both families present and do so when major issues arise. This way one parent or step-parent or even child can’t manipulate the situation to their liking and every one has a say. It may not always be a happy meeting of minds but at least everyone will always be on the same page.

By Peridot

December 13, 2006 12:08 PM | Link to this

Lynn -

It is a sacrifice I am more than willing to make, rather than risk some pedofile (unbeknownst to me) living in my home with my precious children. It happens more than folks like to admit.

I didn’t say I wouldn’t date, but I wouldn’t marry. The issue is probably moot, anyway, because my husband is my soulmate and best friend. If something happened to him or my marriage, I would be content to never marry again because I doubt that I would ever find another man like him and I would want to spend the energy trying. I wouldn’t need to be married to lead a full and content life.

By Together for 12

December 13, 2006 12:10 PM | Link to this

This makes no sense to me. Forbidding a step-parent to discipline your child is just asking for more serious issues later. We do this and then we wonder why kids today get into so much trouble, harm others, act up in school, and commit such horrible crimes that they end up in juvenile centers? It is because they are being TAUGHT that they do not have to respect authority. If you’re going to marry a person, you should allow them the ability to dicsipline your child the same way you do. Once you’re married, you are BOTH parents. You have to provide a united front as parents who are equal. Teaching kids that one parent is better/more powerful/etc. than the other will dominate how those children relate to people of that sex in their future relationships.

Unless an adult is endangering a child, all adults should be able to discipline your child. Remember the days when any neighbor/relative could discipline you and you obeyed? There were a lot fewer problem kids in those days because we all knew that we weren’t going to get away with causing trouble.

By Jack

December 13, 2006 12:12 PM | Link to this

Lynn read this:Sorry but after reading some of these blogs I must say this. Just because the father does not have primary custody does NOT make him anyless of a parent. Myself and many other fathers take a very active role in their childrens life’s. Also myself and many fathers financially support thier children through child support which is law and they buy their kids alot of clothes and other things above the child support. Myself and many fathers also pay for things such as trips, sports, extra curricular activities, that is on top on child support. So please stop saying the step father is financially giving to your kids, that does not make him or give him the right to parent a child that is not his. What gives him the right to parent a step child is his ability to be a good parent such as love, respect, values, morals, loving the child as if it were is own, ect… A step parent can be a better parent than the bio parent and NEVER financially give one cent to the kid. Many fathers would give anything to have primary custody. I personnaly think shared parenting, where both parents would have the children the same amount of time and no one would pay child support is a better way but Georgia’s family court does not agree, however 24 other states do agree with it. Sorry but some of the blogs upset me.

By Jesse's Girl

December 13, 2006 12:14 PM | Link to this

Peridot…..I completely see where you are coming from and I agree 100%

By Ed

December 13, 2006 12:25 PM | Link to this

Michele how can you say step parent has no say so in theouse with step children? Thats an absurd statement. FYI dear, with five kids if a man wants to marry you, RUN don’t walk to the alter.

By Grandma

December 13, 2006 12:29 PM | Link to this

My husband and I divorced when my kids were 14 and 8. I met a man who I was to be with for the next 8 years. I got lucky. My ex was great and the kids loved him. My new “boyfriend” was wonderful. His own kids from a previous marriage lived with his ex in another state and he didn’t see them much at all. (I met one of the once.) He missed them, and doted on my kids, who adored him in return. They listened to my ex and my current and the ex/current even became “almost friends”. I guess I was lucky.

By Sarah

December 13, 2006 12:29 PM | Link to this

Michele so methhead or crackhead real daddy moves out and mom marries a decent working, law abiding, God fearing man and because he is not the biological parent he has no say so in the home he is providing financial support to? A mental giant you’re not Michele, I can see why you have five kids…..IGNORANT.

By Slim

December 13, 2006 12:40 PM | Link to this

I was a step-parent way before I became a parent. I married a man who had a daughter from a previous relationship. I fell in love with his daughter, and she used to call me “Mommy Bear”. She wanted to call me Mommy, but I told her she already had a Mommy, but Mommy Bear was special to me. I spent more time with this child than her father did. Her mother knew this, and we never really had any problems. The child’s mother used to introduce me to her friends as “my daughter’s other mother”. That was so nice to hear those words come out of her mouth.
Unfortunately we have lost touch over the years and I have no idea where they could be. I really miss my (ex)step-daughter. I wish she knew my daughter, her half-sister. Sorry, that was a bit off-topic, but as we know, there are some good step-parents out there.

By Peridot

December 13, 2006 12:44 PM | Link to this

Sarah Why does Michele have to be “IGNORANT” because she has 5 kids??? If she was in loving, married, committed relationship at the time, why shouldn’t she and her spouse have as many children as they could afford?

By Janet_G

December 13, 2006 12:44 PM | Link to this

I am a step-parent and my husband is a non-custodial parent. He and I discussed this issue prior to our getting married. We always felt that the welfare of the children was important enough that we “get it right” when it came to discipline. We agreed that in order for the kids to respect us equally, we should present a “united front” to the children. That means we discuss beforehand what the rules are and what the consequences are for breaking the rules. Then, if one of us imposes a time out or loss of privileges (we do not use spanking), then the other one has to support the decision.

Legally, I only have the authority to discipline his children if he gives me that authority. I can’t take it upon myself without his agreement.

It’s hard on the children sometimes because the rules and the consequences are different at the two houses, but kids are smart and they know what type of behavior is allowed and what is not.

Ultimately, it’s up to the two biological parents to make their kid’s lives easier by communicating with one another about what goes on in their house, issues that a particular child may be having and how to deal with it in both households. Consistency between the two houses is ultimately what is best for the child. Parents are going to disagree, but they should at least try to work together to co-parent their children even if they dislike each other.

Basically, biological parents have a right to see their children, parent their children and participate in their lives, regardless of whether or the custodial parent agrees with them or not. The time to decide whether or not a man or woman will be a good father or mother to your children is before you conceive a child. Once that child is born, both biological parents have the right to be parents, whether they agree on what that means or not. As an adult, if you sleep with someone with the knowledge that there is a chance that you will create a child, then you have made the decision that that person is good enough to parent that child.

Many fathers desperately want more time to be parents to their children rather than just every other weekend “visitors” to their kids. Could you be a significant part of your child’s life if you were only allowed to see them four or five days a month? That’s what most non-custodial parents are faced with. The step-parent has way more time with their children and a lot more influence on their children than they are allowed as biological parents. It’s a tough pill to swallow.

Kids need both parents in their lives, period. Most kids want more time with the non-custodial parent and most kids who grow up being deprived of that time or being deliberately alienated or separated from that parent, will be drawn to that parent as they get older. Many teenage children end up with the non-custodial parent for this reason.

Bottom line is that step-parents should only fill the role of parent to the extent that their spouse wants them to. Working that out prior to the second marriage is crucial and is what works best for the kids.

By Slim

December 13, 2006 12:45 PM | Link to this

Sarah That wasn’t nice.

By Charlotte

December 13, 2006 12:47 PM | Link to this

Lynn,

Children will always test you. My now husband had custody of his teenage children who out of the blue decided that he was too strict. So his son decided to live with his permissive mom.

My husband was devastated. But he got over it. By the time his teenage daughter decided to move in with her mom-lets-me-do-anything-I-want mother, he helped her pack.

The kids are fine now, just graduated from college and are in graduate school. It seemed like a tragedy at the time, but it was all for naught.

By Janet_G

December 13, 2006 12:48 PM | Link to this

To Sarah, If mom made the concious decision to have five children with a “crack-head”, then she has to live with that. If he was good enough to sleep with, then he is good enough to be a father. Fathers have equal rights to custody of their children as mothers do. Mom doesn’t get to dictate to Dad whether or not he has the right to parent their children. The courts have that jurisdiction once Mom decides to leave or “trade up” to a better guy, not Mom.

By djbrown

December 13, 2006 12:54 PM | Link to this

To abc and some others: Just because you are the non-custodial parent does not mean there are not rules in your home. We have structure in our home just like every other home custodial or not. For someone (abc) to say the step-parent in the non-custodial home should have no say so in the discipline is not only stupid but downright wrong! We have provided a home for these children and the same type of rules, chores, etc. are applied and it doesn’t matter which one of us enforces it. You need to crawl back in your hole because you can’t possibly have the first clue about step-parenting or custodial/non-custodial situations. If you do and still say that, then lord help your children/step-children!

By Shirley

December 13, 2006 12:55 PM | Link to this

This is absolutely absurd thinking that step parents don’t have a say in parenting. I think some of the bad ex’s are using the kids as weapons against the ex-spouse that went on with their life and got remarried. That is absolutely lower than dirt. Your children deserve every opportunity to grow up in a family that is balanced and as free from hate as possible. Bad and ventictive ex’s cause more problems that they are worth.

By sharon

December 13, 2006 12:55 PM | Link to this

Kelley you never should have allowed your daughter to visit her father if he allowed his wife to keep her in the basement. For her to even suggest such a thing is mind boggling. I don’t believe in hitting my kids for any reason so it was important to me that I married someone who felt the same. As long as the discipline does not turn physical or verbally abusive step parents should provide guidance and discipline. It is a beautiful thing when the ex husband/wife can work together with the new husband/wife. Everyone benefits.

By MomStepMom

December 13, 2006 01:09 PM | Link to this

I can identify with very wicked stepmom I married a man who had custody of his then 6 year old daughter. Her mother left and seemed to forget her completely. The child asked me if she could just call me mom. After talking with my husband we didn’t see any reason why she couldn’t. She obviously needed that void filled so MOM I was and I was happy with that. A few years later her bio mother’s parents wanted to visit with her (what a shocker). Then during the visits with grandmother, the bio mother would start to be there too, and suddenly, she hesitated to call me mom. The bio mom’s family started making my (step) daughter feel guilty for buying me gifts and spending time with me (I home schooled her for a few year because she struggled in regular school). My daughter would come home from visits with the bio moms family and act rude and distant to me. I was soooo hurt because I took such a genuine interest in my daughter (whom I didn’t refer to as step daughter unless it were someone who knew I hadn’t birthed a child). I put her in plays, read stories, joined PTA, chorus booster clubs, etc. WHY CAN’T BIO PARENTS BE HAPPY THAT ANOTHER PERSON (the stepparent) SPENDS TIME AND MONEY TO RAISE THIER CHILD?

By sharon

December 13, 2006 01:16 PM | Link to this

To those of you who feel the step parent should not have a disciplinary role then what should the step parent do when the kids are behaving badly? Is he/she supposed to report to you like a wimp? Stay single until your kids are grown

By Jack

December 13, 2006 01:16 PM | Link to this

JANET_ G I applaud your comments.. Good job.. It is extremely difficult getting the opportunity to raise your children the way you would like to when as a non-custodial parent you only get your children every other weekend. Thats why I think Georgia needs to change their laws in domestic family court to recognize shared parenting. I have joint legal and joint physical custody of my daughters which is still crap.. I still really have no rights as the non-custodial parent. Sorry, i know this comment is going to make alot of people mad but I think in my opionion that child support is bullcrap. I definatly think both parents have the responsibility to financially raise your children but if you are a non-custodial parent who pays child support you will understand where I am coming from and why. My wife pays child support from a pervious marriage so I speak from both sides of the coin.

As for this subject, I think step parents should have the right to discipline. Read my other blogs on my opionion of step parenting.

By MomStepMom

December 13, 2006 01:26 PM | Link to this

I forgot to mention this part but I DEFINITELY DISCIPLINE. I don’t need to be my daughter’s biological mom to discipline. As a step parent I’ve done everything a good mommy should do (math and language drills, planned parent hood visit and the no no’s of inappropriate touching, reading bible stories and scripture memorization, attending open house and seating her in the front of the class, and yes braces on my dental plan too, hair salon visits, bring your daughter to work day, the list goes on). Yes i discipline and rightfully so. The sad part is bio mom will call and give her the okay to have a boyfriend at 13 yrs old and we have to spend all day explaining why bio mom used bad judgement and we know that 13 is too young for you to date.

By GATransplant

December 13, 2006 01:34 PM | Link to this

Jack - I understand what you are saying and totally agree with you. Just because you provide financially doesn’t give you a credit card on dishing out discipline. Respect, love, caring, current and future welfare all have to play a part in discipline as well as right and wrong.

When I was a child any adult in my neighborhood who saw you doing wrong would admonish you on the spot. Some would smack your hands or the back of your head and some would call your parents. My older brother had a friend who was saved by another parent who saw him trying to do something and gave him a talking to and made him immediately fix what he had done wrong. He was older than me but while giving me a ride home from school, he told me how my father catching him in the act of trying to steal a bicycle had changed his life.

The thing is that anyone who impacts your child’s life in a positive manner is helping you to do what you want most as a parent. To have a well adjusted adult who knows right from wrong and does his/her best to do what is right.

Michele - You are in a loving and committed relationship so it is hard for you to fathom letting someone other than your children’s father help you raise them. If you are ever in a situation, which I hope you never are, where you get another significant other, I hope that what is best for your children governs what you allow and refuse to allow.

In the end, what is most important is the welfare of your children.

djBrown - I think that people are talking from their own experiences. I am sure that plenty of non-custodial homes have rules and discipline. On the other hand, there are many non-custodial parents who are lax in discipline because they don’t want their child to remember them in a poor light, completely forgetting that their child needs to respect them as a parent and not care for them as a friend.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 01:34 PM | Link to this

@Jessie’s girl…I was married to him for 20 years till I couldn’t take it anymore.

By Lisa

December 13, 2006 01:36 PM | Link to this

My husband’s children from his first marriage are my BONUS CHILDREN, not step children. I am very blessed to have them in my life. We support them financially and spiritually. If a situation comes up regarding thier behavior we all sit down and talk about it. Ultimately my husband is the one who makes the decision in the end. Remember also, these children are worthy of YOUR EARNED respect too. It is a two way street.

By meme

December 13, 2006 01:39 PM | Link to this

Wow, Shirley, you just made a great point for stepparent not doing the discipline. What do I have to get over. I was lucky enough to find the right guy the first time and we are still together to play with our grandkids. We didn’t rush out and get pregnant and then married (or not) like a lot of folks today. Yes, my ideas are outdated and I think that is terrible.

By 2morrow

December 13, 2006 01:40 PM | Link to this

Jack My brother just went through a divorce and fought really hard for joint custody of his two kids. One of his kids was old enough to decide who she wanted to live with, and the other was younger. Their mother wanted full custody only because she wanted as much child support as she could get (Can you say golddigger). Like I said, he fought very hard, and won. He gets the kids for one week, she gets the kids for one week, and so far it seems to be working out. His ex purchased a home close to him, so the kids would stay in the same school, church etc. Here’s the kicker. Even though he has joint custody, he STILL has to pay his ex some child support. He is carrying the insurance on both kids and pays for their activities, etc when they are with him. But he still has to make up the difference between their two salaries, as he makes a little bit more than she does. The child support laws are changing next month I believe. They will now take both parents income into consideration for child support issues.

My advice is, if anyone is divorcing, and REALLY wants to see their kids more than 4 days a month (every other weekend), let your lawyer know. It can be done.

By GATransplant

December 13, 2006 01:50 PM | Link to this

MomStepMom - Hang in there. When you know that you are doing right, it can sometimes get you upset when these things happen. I went through similar situations with my daughter when she returned from her bio-father’s house. I go to orientation, PTA, math and reading drills, found her professional reading and math help etc… and after some visits with her bio-dad I would get strange reactions from her. It hurts. When I had my biological child is when she initially began acting strange after her visits. I just kept reminding her that I loved her and that she was my first child and it seems to have smoothed things out, over time.

I have never been a step-child so I can’t know how confusing and difficult it can be. My daughter and I sometimes sit and talk about it. Sometimes you have to find out what difficulties they are facing so that you know how to approach the things that they say and do. Keep the lines of communication open and you may learn a few things that put things into perspective and you may be able to explain things that were overlooked by the child.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 01:53 PM | Link to this

@Jack, your a minority I have to say. My daughter’s dad doesn’t contribute to anything. He has one child and I have one so there is no child support issue. I on the other hand, take off work to take my daughter that resides with him to the Dr. etc. I am the one that takes & picks up each child for visitation, so forth and so forth…it keeps on going and always has. He doesn’t chip in for volleyball expenses or any other expense as far as raising her. And I’m not just talking a money issue but raising a child involves that very much. They have many wants beyond needs and providing those of course takes money, so therefore, it makes it (money) play a huge role in raising them. And on the other half, if it were not for me, he wouldn’t even see her. It took him 3 months to even talk to her after she came to live with me and she initiated that conversation or he still would be giving her the silent treatment. Then he tried to cancel her medical coverage when it wasn’t costing any more for two children than one. Also, I was in your shoes at one time so I do understand your frustration. I was paying a huge amount of child support in addition to all the extras you mention and felt like a left out parent. I always loved my girls and never blamed them though. Their dad is just plain out redneck/backwoods, what can I say….A typical southern boy.

By Step Dad

December 13, 2006 01:55 PM | Link to this

I am a step dad 2 boys (4 and 11). I am the one who does the discipline at the house. I always find it interesting how people like to say that just because they “put a roof over their heads” that doesn’t give them the right to be the “real parent”. Does being a sperm donor make you a real parent? My 2 boys know that I will give them the world, but they also know they are going to play by my rules. Their dad is a low life and I don’t concern myself with or give a rats @** in what he thinks. People like Michele isn’t ignorant for having 5 kids, they are ignorant for the context of what they wrote.

A step parent is NOT a “new daddy or mommy” and has NO say in how a child that is NOT biologically theirs should be raised, disciplined etc… I don’t care how much money the step parent brings into the house. Money doesn’t equal the right to have a say.

That puts you right up their with OJ “How I would have done it” for the stupidest comments of the year.

By GATransplant

December 13, 2006 02:00 PM | Link to this

2morrow - I thought those laws changed in July?

Jack - I completely agree that the current child support laws are crap. A few years ago, on Ricky Lake, an unemployed woman admitted to taking care of her unemployed boyfriend and her child with the child support she received. Her statement was ‘Child support pays good, Ricky’. Many gold-diggers know this and use it as a source of temporary income. I definitely wish you luck. It is never to late to ask for increased visitation or shared custody, as long as you live near your children.

I was unfortunate enough to have to pay for another man’s child who I was misled into believing was my biological child. I paid over $20,000 before learning the truth and fighting to overturn the order. In Georgia, they changed the law in 2001 so that DNA decides who has to pay, but I was not fighting this in Georgia and the laws there were different. I was lucky. Documented lies by the misleading mother convinced the judge to vacate the support order.

By 2morrow

December 13, 2006 02:01 PM | Link to this

I get no help financially from my ex. He took the coward’s way out and just ran away. Tried to fake his death, but that didn’t work, seeing how he didn’t leave a body, just a suicide note. Eventually he hooked up with some shady characters and got himself a new identity. We have no idea where or who he is…. As far as I know, he has a total of 5 kids, and doesn’t support a single one of his kids.

By lynn

December 13, 2006 02:02 PM | Link to this

Shirley, I agree with all your comments.

By GaNative

December 13, 2006 02:13 PM | Link to this

For all you Step Daddy’s out there, click on the l