MOMania

By past50mom

November 16, 2006 08:54 AM | Link to this

Conceiving was never a problem for us, all we had to say was ‘baby’, and boom I was pregnant. My sister-in-law did have trouble conceiving and it was only after she relaxed and said OK we will adopt, that she was pregnant the next month. Stress must affect fertitlity for some women, and so, yes, a relaxing vacation may be just what they need.

By Jesse's Girl

November 16, 2006 09:03 AM | Link to this

Forget procreation!!!!! Been there, done that…..picked up 3 kids as souvenirs!! No…what we need is a sexcation!!! At least one full weekend with absolutely no “Stop touching me!’, “Get out of my room!”, “We’re having WHAT for dinner?” The theme song for that elusive, kid free weekend will sound more like “Baw-chicka-baw-now”!!!!

By Thursday

November 16, 2006 09:20 AM | Link to this

Jesse’s Girl You are just about the funniest poster in these blogs.
Chika-chick-bow-now. ha ha ha ha ha

By BrownEyeGirl

November 16, 2006 09:32 AM | Link to this

I wish! (and I could use the vacation too!) ;)

My husband and I don’t have any kids, but all our married friends do - all just said the word “baby” and “POOF”, they were pregnant. I want kids, but my husband wants to completely debt-free (everything except for the house mortgage).

Everyone has told him not to keep waiting and having timelines (that constantly change - and become longer) to have kids, because if you keep holding it off - you will find yourself too late and unable to have kids. That you will ALWAYS have debt of somesort. That we should just go for it like they all did - and they are doing just fine and making it work.

I would say I am the stressed one because I keep watching year after year go by and another friend having another baby. So, I have to sit there and wait (and wait…) for my husband to say “ok, now - lets try.” I have no idea when that will be because his timeline keeps getting longer and longer.

By mys

November 16, 2006 09:35 AM | Link to this

My only concern is if they don’t have time to relax and get pregnant, how in the world are they going to have time to nurture and raise a child?

By past50mom

November 16, 2006 09:41 AM | Link to this

BrownEyeGirl, Here’s a monetary reason for you to start your family sooner than later. With each pasing year it is MORE expensive to have a baby than it was the previous year. Health costs continue to rise while health insurance covers less and less. As a couple you need to first consider your health and the baby’s health with a later pregnancy. Also consider how old you will be when the kid(s) finally leave the nest and when you think you may be retiring. Plan early and you will be happier later.

By Jesse's Girl

November 16, 2006 09:49 AM | Link to this

BrownEyeGirl…..I really hate to advocate getting pregnant “accidently”…but in your case, just do it. Mr. Jesse was like that too. He had the schedule and wanted to wait until everything was just so. He was just scared he wouldn’t measure up to the stellar job his parents did. Once we were pregnant, he was so excited! In fact, he jokes now that it was like I came from shopping and said ” Look what I picked up at the store today honey….a FETUS!” Just keep talking to him. He’ll come around…especially after he sees you moving in nursery furniture one cute peice at a time!!:)

By tlc

November 16, 2006 10:19 AM | Link to this

oohhh…I would be careful with that advise Ms. Jessie. The Mr. should have as much say so as the Ms.’s. What if he were not happy and not planning to spend his future with her. She would be stuck raising a child on her own or risk the chance of raising a child in an unhappy marriage?

By Nickelbelle

November 16, 2006 10:24 AM | Link to this

If you are too busy and stressed to get pregnant then maybe you’re too busy and stressed to raise a baby. Get your priorities straight first.

By BrownEyeGirl

November 16, 2006 10:29 AM | Link to this

I don’t have it in my heart to “accidently” get pregnant - I couldn’t do that to him.

(Though I have been tempted. He knows “my schedule” which makes it hard and monitors it. I have been off the pill and we have not used any protection for 3 years too, and nothing has happened yet. I have actually talked and seen several doctors about it and everytime they didn’t seem concerned.)

By BrownEyeGirl

November 16, 2006 10:37 AM | Link to this

I am only stressed about the idea that it feels like it is going to take years for my husband to finally say, “we are ready.” I am worried, that if it ever happens, we could find out problems at a time that I have only a few, childbearing years left. I am willing to adopt, and my husband is too.

Every job opportunity I go into, I have the mindset of, “if I have children while working here, would everything still be ok - would they work with me, etc.”

I consider the well being and welfare of future children when I make decisions about most things that could affect them in the future before myself as a point to consider.

By FCM

November 16, 2006 10:44 AM | Link to this

I am with Jesse’s Girl….there was no vacation involved in any of my time with the kids father…So been there done that and have the joy (and it is a joy that is not sarcasm)of raising my children.

I have been single again for sometime…Just a vacation would be nice. Even if it were a “real” (read non relative visiting) vacation with the kids it would be great! A vacation by myself or with a real love interest (male and my age bracket) ah well there is always my dreams at night!

By Jesse's Girl

November 16, 2006 10:46 AM | Link to this

Well then….perhaps a good swift kick in the arse will help. You need to ask him…..”Dear, why is it that you expect me to respect and honor your “schedule” while you continue to have zero regard for mine? We will never have enough money, never have a big enough house, never be in the right place, never be sane enough, never be educated enough….but we do have enough love to have a child.” No friends…..I was not serious in suggesting getting pregnant on purpose. But I get so tired of hearing wives just letting their husbands dictate a timetable that should be examined lovingly by both of them. He is monitoring your biological clock BrownEyeGirl!!!! Can I just slap him for you?

By Jan

November 16, 2006 10:57 AM | Link to this

To BrownEyeGirl

Your husband may not want children and is using the “debtfree” ticket as an excuse. You didn’t mention your respective ages, but if everyone waited to be financially independent, there would be a shortage of people. There is a huge difference between being financially responsible and “debtfree”. Perhaps a visit with your accountant would ease his anxiety and promote ensuing fatherhood. Good luck to you.

By Thursday

November 16, 2006 10:58 AM | Link to this

I’m with the posters who state if you don’t have time to “make” the baby, how are you going to make time to raise the baby???????

By Jeff

November 16, 2006 11:01 AM | Link to this

Maybe this will change with kids (clearly I don’t have any… a girlfriend/ wife might help that process a little….), but so far, when I take a date on a vacation…. yeah… um…. one bed + one dude + one chica = not much sleep….

By ChrisD

November 16, 2006 11:37 AM | Link to this

All you need if 15 minutes to knock it out. No trip necessary.

By BrownEyeGirl

November 16, 2006 11:54 AM | Link to this

We are both in our mid-to-late 20’s (almost 30). He told me he wanted kids, it is just that we cannot afford them because we have debt.

(Oh, we have plenty of time to “make” a baby - he just doesn’t want to “make” anything until we are debt-free….)

By Teacher's Kid

November 16, 2006 12:01 PM | Link to this

Brown-Eyed Girl, two things:

Food for thought.

By Stinky Sullivan

November 16, 2006 12:25 PM | Link to this

Now, this brotha don’t know about all that BABY MAKIN’ nonsense, but i will definitely go on a vacay with a fine woman and be doin’ some PRACTICIN’ if you know what I mean?

winks at the FINE sistas, sS

By Cletus Snow

November 16, 2006 12:30 PM | Link to this

This country country needs to take a vacation FROM procreation,we’re 300 million,subdivisions are everywhere. We are at the point that we can’t produce enough food, a very large portion comes from abroad.When we become dependent on foreign food as well as foreign oil you should anticipate economic disaster.

By ML

November 16, 2006 12:31 PM | Link to this

My wife and I tried for a little over 2 years to get pregnant. We both were checked out by a doctor and everything was medically ok. We finally decided to go to ACRM (Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine) and had an IUI (NOT in vitro).. where they took my pound of butter and put it in a tube and injected it right into my wife’s uterus. Didn’t work the first time so we tried 2 months later and it worked! That was almost 4 years ago. We wanted to have a 2nd child at some point, and didn’t need ANY help on that one. She did go off birth control for a few months but we just didn’t “do it” during her ovulation until we were ready and the FIRST time we did it during her ovulation, she was pregnant. So you never know. Maybe we were more stressed when it took so long to have the first one?

By wwww

November 16, 2006 12:45 PM | Link to this

I’m glad to hear most people on this blog can say baby and get pg. good for you!

i am infertile and I am SO sick and TIRED of people telling us as a group “just relax and it will happen”. um, the last time I checked, “relaxing” doesn’t increase the quality of your eggs, cure endometriosis, or add sperm that aren’t there.

these procreation vacations are yet another thing marketed to harried, otherwise healthy people who just need to stop long enough to actually “make” the baby. they do not need a freakin’ “procreation vacation”. what a load.

they won’t cure someone who isn’t going to have children no matter what they do. if i could just drink some tea and get a massage, that would sure beat spending thousands on uninsured fertility treatments.

By BrownEyeGirl

November 16, 2006 12:48 PM | Link to this

Teacher’s Kid: I have actually had 3 opinion and several ultrasounds, tests, etc…. they couldn’t find anything - they said I was perfectly fine, no problems. Now, my husband on the other hand. He asked his doctor and was told he was fine. He refuses to anything more. Also, I am not going to “oops” him (I couldn’t, even though tempted - I feel guilty just thinking about it) and he knows very well how I feel if he keeps holding off and finding ways to. He says he really wants kids. He can have them until he is 80, I can only go into my early 40’s. HUGE difference there.

By Rod

November 16, 2006 01:15 PM | Link to this

Hey BrownEyeGirl - you say he can go into his 80’s - there is more and more evidence that the older a man is when he impregnates a woman, the higher chance the baby will be autistic.

Of course, you don’t really want to go into your 40’s either (increased chance of other problems for the baby).

If you really want a child - do it soon. My wife’s expecting our first and I’m 41 and she’s 34. We just decided to do this after years of “thinking”. But, we had a deadline, we decided years ago we would stop considering once she turned 35.

By Bud

November 16, 2006 01:26 PM | Link to this

Wha ha ha ha ha!!! What’s striking to me is that you women don’t want sex for the sake of sex, you use sex to get pregnant, to keep the man around, to get attention, etc. etc. etc…..you’ve turned your sexuality into just another commodity of exchange, and you try to extort, er I mean obtain as much time, effort, money, and attention from a man in exchange.

By BrownEyeGirl

November 16, 2006 01:49 PM | Link to this

Ya, my husband told me that we would have all the children we wanted before I was 30 (we married in our early 20’s). Well, I will be thirty in less than two years - and guess what! No kids, and we are at least a year and half from his goal. I don’t want to cram having two kids close in age like Britney Spears here… I want two years max between. So, now I just want to have kids before I am 35.

By slim

November 16, 2006 02:24 PM | Link to this

BrownEyedGirl My (ex)husband did the same thing to me. Swore up and down that he wanted kids, we talked about having at least 3. He already had one with the first wife. Then suddenly when I announced I was pregnant, he told me he didn’t want the responsibility of another child, and left. Go figure.

By Deborah Lee

November 16, 2006 02:36 PM | Link to this

Hope that the vacations come with a blacklight inspection certificate.

By notyetamom

November 16, 2006 02:39 PM | Link to this

BrownEyedGirl you’re not alone - my husband has told me the same thing & we’re close in age (I’m 26 & hubby is 27) - and I don’t think he’s secretly telling me this and going to leave me when I have a kid - maybe I am naive (highly doubt it) but I think thats how people are at our age (generation). Its scary to hear how people are going into debt & although I hate the whole timetable thing it does make sense. Luckily we’ve both agreed to start trying at the end of next year (originally it was the b/g of ‘08) but we were able to compromise. I would just try to get him to at least agree to a timeframe because the others are right you’ll always have debt & needs but its important to eliminate the big debt (ie for us credit card, a private loan for my law school education, and 1 car payment) and understand & accept that other debt maybe there for a while (ie our federal loans for our mba & law programs & mortgage). Also remind him that you need to be well established at a job before you can take paid maternity leave (if your company offers it) - my husband had no clue about that so that may help your case (in case you’re thinking of switching jobs… .)

By BrownEyeGirl

November 16, 2006 02:42 PM | Link to this

slim: I am sorry that happened. That is terrible!

I do know that if I got pregnant within the year and half (18 months) he has left, my husband would be freaking out: like chicken with it’s head cut off. The one thing he doesn’t understand is time. I keep telling him, “You have 8-9 months to figure this all out if I got pregnant. That is only 2-3 months less than a year. So, that means we would have to have 9 months to live very cheaply - which can be done.” He also thinks that no one will give us anything. So, he is like, “we are going to have to spend like several thousands of dollars to get everything we need to get ready.”

By slim

November 16, 2006 03:44 PM | Link to this

Yes, it is very expensive to raise a child. A recent study stated that just for diapers for the first year will run close to $5,000. JUST FOR DIAPERS.
People will give you stuff, your co-workers and friends and family will have baby showers. Men worry about the financial stuff when it comes to children. Plus kids will change your life. Things that you consider important right now will no longer be, as that beautiful baby will be your number one priority. Don’t rush it BrownEyedGirl. Like they told me, it will happen when you least expect it. I was 31 when my child was born. I don’t think you can really put a time table on it, and expect to be pregnant by a certain time, too much pressure. I was hoping to have my kids in my 20’s but it didn’t work out that way. Plus I think you should wait until you are in your very early 30’s to start having kids. There are still oats to be sow’d in your 20’s, and most men don’t mature until their 40’s. Good Luck to you, and don’t rush it. Take your time, and enjoy your husband and your lifestyle now, while you can.

By HL

November 16, 2006 04:02 PM | Link to this

Slim - I am not sure where you saw that study, but I don’t think we spent more than $60/mo on diapers. At first, you really don’t buy them becuase the hospital will give you over 100 or so diapers free. Plus, you get coupons and everything else in the mail. It was not until he was 12 months that I even paid full price for a box of Pampers. I always went to Babies R Us and bought the box with the $5 off coupon and then I had MANY $1.50 off coupons from Pampers that would come off on top of the Babies R Us sale price. I nursed so no formula. Daycare was the expensive part. But, I found an in-home sitter and it was half the price of a corporately run place.

By fk

November 16, 2006 04:14 PM | Link to this

My husband and I just came back from a weekend at the beach. It was nice and relaxing, and we reconnected. We have done this two times in two years, and I wish we had started sooner. However, if I wound up pregnant, I’d snap!

By Jesse's Girl

November 16, 2006 04:36 PM | Link to this

Ok…diapers…..please don’t buy anything other than White Cloud from Walmart. Normally I do not advocate shopping at this monster of a store. However, they have the best diapers hands down. 3 kids…never had a single leak. They are cheap…but not a typical store brand. It isn’t a Walmart brand at all actually…I think they just have an exclusive deal with Wally World. But they rock…and you don’t even need a coupon.

By BrownEyeGirl

November 16, 2006 04:47 PM | Link to this

After watching all my friends have babies - I learned quickly what you need and what you don’t. I found that some of these items you find on these checklists of “Must Haves” are more like “Wants”. I actually sat down and took a slimmed down, practical, need-based checklist and went on line and took down prices (and researched too). Total for everything (ex. diapers and formula) was under $1500 - all excellent, name brand items. All of which could last for the entire 1st year. Also, most are items you normally get at a baby shower and the best thing is that my friends keep their good baby clothes when their baby grows out of them - so I know I will not need to worry long about that.

I am not one of those “wild oat”-type of person; I am a HUGE homebody and my husband is too. He knows what is going on and always seems a step ahead. I know my company’s leave policy and I never plan to leave. Very happy were I work at and so is my husband - both with very bright horizons. I am prepared (I hope - all my friends tell me I will be an excellent mother after watching me with their children, they say I have the patience for it..) and willing to give myself up for a baby, my husband says he is but will not move until there is no debt. No buts or ands. Doesn’t matter - he will not move.

By Jesse's Girl

November 16, 2006 04:56 PM | Link to this

Oh, and BUD…I have sex all the time just for the sake of sex. You know what….someone needs to do a sex column at the AJC. Nothing tacky, just a little Q&A. Where’s Carry Bradshaw when you need her?:) Theresa could tag team with her/him. It could be like Shaunti and that other girl…just a heckuva lot more interesting!

By Jesse's Girl

November 16, 2006 04:58 PM | Link to this

Again BrownEyeGirl……why is it he expects you to run with his game plan and he is totally unwilling to take a look at your’s? Seems more than a little lop-sided to me.

By BrownEyeGirl

November 16, 2006 05:10 PM | Link to this

I have tried countless times, but he keeps showing me “the numbers” and to him that trumps me. Honestly, I cannot find away around “those numbers” - I have tried and tried to find a way. At this point I just sitting back, let him go at this own thing (waiting) and in the end, I know I will say, “I told you so” when the doctor says, “sorry, you waited to long to deal with this (meaning that there are problems that have been there all those years).”

By Jesse's Girl

November 16, 2006 05:35 PM | Link to this

And you are willing to just sit back and let this happen???? Honey…GROW A PAIR!!!! Stand up for yourself!!! This is a marriage, not China! Be a beeotch, get mad! Throw his numbers back in his face and tell him you will show him what will be “crunched” if he doesn’t start listening to some of your stats for a change!!!

By BrownEyeGirl

November 16, 2006 05:52 PM | Link to this

I guess I am too nice and I love and trust him. He is so much smarter than me about things, that is why sometimes I just stand back. I did make him to find ways to have a better budget that will work. I created the spreadsheets for him to work with. We were able to get rid of a lot of “lux” things (like no landscaper, no newspaper, no getting the nails done, etc)- right now we are down to bear bones.

By Jesse's Girl

November 16, 2006 06:01 PM | Link to this

“He is so much smarter than me about things.” Are you huffing right now? Admittedly….I attack and ask questions later. Sometimes that works for me and sometimes it doesn’t. But the thing is…I am willing to at least risk it!!!! Girl…..I just don’t even know what to say. This makes me sad…just sad.

By Jeff

November 16, 2006 07:00 PM | Link to this

Since Jesse’s Girl mentioned Shaunti (and I am a avid - some say rabid - fan) and it applies here (now that I think about it):

Brown Eye Girl:

Go to your nearest BN or other major bookstore - though Wally World often carries these titles as well now - and look for Shaunti’s For Women Only and For Men Only. You read FWO, have him read FMO at the same time, and have some long discussions. You may not get him to budge at all, but maybe you’ll both see why you are so insistent upon your positions…

By Jeff

November 16, 2006 07:06 PM | Link to this

JG and BeG:

Without trying to psychoanalyze (I’m a education-trained-Computer Scientist):

To a certain extent BeG, I agree with Jesse’s Girl. It sounds that you could be more assertive, and probably should be. I’m not saying antagonizing, and I’m not saying you need to make it a “my way or the highway” situation - unless it is REALLY important -, but your “he is so much smarter than me” just sounds WAY to dangerous for a healthy relationship. (Of course, I’m one to talk. I can recognize and help others, but I will never be able to have a “normal” relationship due to a mild form of Autism called Asperger’s Syndrome.)

By Together for 12

November 16, 2006 08:11 PM | Link to this

BeG, I think what you need here is compromise. Your husband wants solvency and you want a child. Fine. The compromise is this: “We’re solvent by this date.” Choose the date. “After that, we try to have a baby, debt or not.”

DH and I were “not not trying” for a few mos, but haven’t been successful. While we’re not ready to really try hard yet, it hasn’t stopped me from getting a few tests done at the doctor’s office. I’d rather know now that I can’t have kids then after I’ve gotten my heart set on it. You may want to have a few tests done just to get ahead of the game when the time comes. Are you charting your cycle so you know when you’re fertile? Start now if you’re not charting. There are a lot of resources that can help you get started.

As a mean thought I can’t get out of my head, if he’s going to deny you even trying for a child, maybe you should deny him something he wants! wink wink, nudge nudge :D

By BrownEyeGirl

November 17, 2006 08:34 AM | Link to this

Well, I did talk to my husband last night and we did come up with a compromise and we are both happy with the decision. We will get as much debt paid down to a point (in about a year - which I really don’t have a problem with, it is just the almost 2 yr wait that was really bothering me) then just start trying and we will actually have more wiggle room with my idea. : )

(This is actually the only issue we have bumped heads on. 99.9% of the time we figure it out and have never gone to bed angry at each other..)

We have been keeping track of all that “stuff” for a while - mainly so that I wouldn’t get pregnant, and so far that has worked perfectly for us.

By Laura

November 17, 2006 08:50 AM | Link to this

I know a woman who was approaching 40 and badly wanting a child. The person she was dating didn’t want more kids (he had one from a previous marriage) but she got pregnant intentionally; wasn’t using any protection.

Now, she has two kids (yeah, two intentional kids on her part, not his) that her now husband didn’t want that have lots of health problems due to her age and are always sick and at the hospital. Because her husband didn’t want the kids, she has to handle EVERYTHING regarding their day to day activities. Her husband doesn’t help with anything.

Needless to say, she looks a wreck because she doesn’t get any help at home and works fulltime.

I’m saying all of this to say, don’t pull any tricks with your husband to get pregnant. It will backfire!

By ML

November 17, 2006 08:58 AM | Link to this

Way to go, BrownEyeGirl! And believe me, you DO want to pay down as much debt as you possibly can now, because it is harder to do once you have one, then two children. Even during the 9 months of my wife’s first pregnancy, we were paying and still didn’t get it all paid off but we’re doing what we can do. Now that we have kids, I would rather have them and have debt, than to have no debt and not have them. I was 27 when our first child was born, by the way, so similar to you and your husband in age at that point in our lives. Good luck with EVERYTHING!

By Renee

November 17, 2006 12:45 PM | Link to this

Hey Tuesday, Jesse’s Girl* and past50mom - there’s a new post on Theresa’s *Are you already working on Christmas? column that you really need to read. It could save your souls. Look at the bottom of the column. May God be with you.

By Renee

November 17, 2006 12:50 PM | Link to this

Hey Tuesday, Jesse’s Girl* and past50mom - there’s a new post on Theresa’s *Are you already working on Christmas? column that you really need to read. It could save your souls. Look at the bottom of the column. May God be with you.

By BrownEyeGirl

November 17, 2006 01:05 PM | Link to this

Well, I guess that a year from now we will be taking a procreation vacation!

By tlc

November 17, 2006 02:23 PM | Link to this

Renee, why don’t you quit worrying about saving the world and take care of your own soul. The bible also say’s not to judge…guess your going to hell too!!

By Jesse's Girl

November 17, 2006 07:48 PM | Link to this

Renee….you’ve been in the church’s sacrament wine again haven’t you? Perhaps you need to look up what MESSIANIC means….you might find it extraordinarily interesting. You know…in a “I had no idea I was that ignorant” kind of way.

By Robin

November 28, 2006 11:36 AM | Link to this

Brown Eyed Girl,

My husband and I were 39 and 50 when we married, and really could not put off having children (per my Dr.)

So, about 1 week after our first anniversay, our daughter was born.

We have been through some very tough times financially the past couple of years. But, we made it. And you will too.

You don’t have to buy brand new clothes and toys. YOu can go to thrift stores and yard sales and get great stuff WAY CHEAP!

Things are better for us now financially, but I don’t think I will revert to being a shopping diva - like in my single days. It just goes against my grain to pay department store prices for something I can pick up for next to nothing at a yard sale.