MOMania

By Marriednochildren

November 9, 2006 07:55 AM | Link to this

We opened a joint account when we got married, but also just kept our separate accounts. The majority of our household income goes into the joint, but a very small amount does go into the separate accounts as well. It’s mainly used for gifts for each other, and things that we really really want that the other doesn’t see the need for. Although, the latter hasn’t happened yet. At this point we are both working and have no kids, so who knows if this set-up will change in the future.

By Jesse's Girl

November 9, 2006 07:56 AM | Link to this

Yes…we have two accounts. One for the usual stuff, where the bulk of our money goes. The other is geared soecifically toward running the household expenses…..food, clothing, kid’s activity fees, gas for me. That way, we know exactly where all the money goes. I also have disciplined myself to work with as little money as possible for any given week. There are always little things that come up….but for the most part we have fun trying to see who spends the least amount of money. Its usually him…he’s cheaper than Huskies and Tuff Skins! We also have savings accounts for the girls. They have a very responsible attitude about money. So yes…..I think if handled with respect at the onset, two accounts can be a good thing. Just make sure that even if only one of you has access to an account that you both know what is going on in said account.

By AFather

November 9, 2006 08:08 AM | Link to this

We have 2 separate accounts and we both have access to them. There’s no problem in the relationship, but the 2nd account was opened years ago when everything was done by check and I could never get her to write down her check info in the check register. Sometimes I never knew who the check was sent to and the amount until the bill came. Thank God for online banking because now I see everything instantly. Everything now is done with the debit card.

By Deborah Lee

November 9, 2006 08:15 AM | Link to this

I have always had two checking accounts with both of our names on it. Over the years the responsibilities change as to what each acoount is used for. Mine is now being used to pay for my son’s college tuition and room and board among other things. Also, my husband and I have separate bedrooms and we love it. We have been happily married for 35 years. The everything together is OLD SCHOOL.

By Together for 12

November 9, 2006 09:17 AM | Link to this

We have 3 checking accounts - his, hers, and ours. We had our own accounts originally and then got the joint after we were married. “Ours” is for all the household stuff -food, bills, mortgage, etc. We both have access to all the accounts and both have access to the budget to see how the money is coming and going. No secrets, but if we’re buying a surprise gift, we use cash.

The his/her accounts cover our individual car gas usage, “fun” money, gifts for each other, clothing, savings, etc.

If I recall correctly, if one of you dies, any account with the deceased’s name on it could be frozen. If you share all the accounts, and they get frozen, you can’t pay the bills! They could be frozen as long as it takes for probate to complete the will or such, and by then, you could default on your mortgage and lose your home.

By scv

November 9, 2006 09:37 AM | Link to this

We have separate accounts, but its mainly b/c we never consolidated after we got married. We have it now where each of us has access to the others and they show up on one statement, but we never actually touch the other’s accts. Bills are split so that I pay the mortgage and groceries, and he pays household bills, credit card, daycare, etc. We make our own payments to our IRAs. However, we don’t have any type of budget whatsoever, and that is something that should probably change.

By Jay

November 9, 2006 09:37 AM | Link to this

Together for 12 - I disagree, but don’t know with absolute certainty, about the accounts being frozen if one of the account holders dies. That’s one of the reasons to have two names, so it can’t be frozen upon one’s death.

When my grandfather passed away, my mother and I stopped by the bank to discuss his account - without my mothers knowledge, my grandfather had put her name on his account but a signature card had never been signed…before the bank rep would talk to my Mom, she quickly gave her a signature card to make it “legal” to prevent the account from being frozen.

All of our accounts are shared. There’s absolutely no reason for them not to be.

By Leslie

November 9, 2006 09:58 AM | Link to this

We have separate checking accounts (even sep. banks) and this is essential to maintaining our marriage. I pay all the bills via e-payments from my checking account and my husband just writes me a check at the first of the month for his portion of the bills and monthly expenses. From that I pay all the bills, buy the groceries, and pay other household expenses. I also maintain the savings and credit card accounts. What he is left with in his account is his to spend however he wants (gas in his car, eating out, entertainment, whatever) and I always have a portion of my own money to spend at my own descretion. We have run like a well-oiled machine like this for 15 years. I don’t question him on his free money spending and he doesn’t question me on mine. The bills always get paid and get paid on time because I am a good manager. We both have credit ratings of about 800 and we very, very rarely disagree about money. It is important that each person have a certain amount of money each month to spend as they like without having to ask permission or face questions from the spouse. If both partners are trustworthy and stay within limits this gives the whole marriage a great deal of peace where money is concerned. Whether that “free” money is $20.00 a month or $2000.00 a month does not really matter. We had many years early in our relationship when we were poor and young when it was just a few dollars a month so I know for a fact that the amount is incidental. I watched my parents fight about money all my childhood and I swore I would not do that with my spouse, and by and large, I have not.

By AFather

November 9, 2006 10:08 AM | Link to this

OK, help me understand something here. “Happily married for 35 years and separate bedrooms”. I’ve been married 31 years and I’m not even entertaining the thought of SEPARATE BEDROOMS.

By danish

November 9, 2006 10:10 AM | Link to this

Ha, how timely. We just consolidated our 2 checking accts into one— he only had his because his car payment was debited directly from that account but we just paid his car off, so he closed his account. He’d had a flat amount of his paycheck direct deposited into my checking account, which is where I pay all the bills from. Then at the end of the month he wrote another check to help with the bills… I manage the finances in the house, and he is fine with that. Going back a few columns, I outearn him too. Along those lines, I also outspend him.

Now all our money is together, and even though it has only been a couple of weeks, it seems ok so far. Our one year wedding anniversary is on Sunday, and we have had no problems with how the money is managed in our house.

By Thursday

November 9, 2006 10:15 AM | Link to this

My boyfriend and I live together, and purchased a house together about 6 years ago. We decided that each of us would contribute $300 a week towards the mortgage, bills, etc. Here is the problem, he has all the bank accounts, several in fact, and none are in my name. He has a roofing account, vacation account, mortgage account, and monthly bill account, to mention a few. It really bothers me that he will not put my name on any of the accounts which I am putting money into. I tell him, if something should happened to him, the money would all be gone, and I would get nothing. I don’t like this arrangement. He controls the money and I don’t even get a say as to what it is spent on. As for the vacation fund, we don’t go on vacations. Ever since we purchased the house, he seems to have the mentality that we cannot ever go anywhere on vacation, as we have the house. This is really putting a strain on our relationship. Also he makes about 2 to 3 times as much as I do. I have a child from a previous relationship, and all expenses for him are my responsibility, he will not help out at all. Solutions/suggestions anyone????? Please don’t tell me to leave him, I don’t think that is the answer. And, by the way my name is on the mortgage.

By Sunny

November 9, 2006 10:20 AM | Link to this

AFather, I don’t understand that one either, separate bedrooms. I have a few friends who have hit the 20 year mark with their spouses, and they have separate bedrooms too. I don’t get it. They say is because each other snores too loudly. I say, purchase ear plugs…..I WOULD NOT want to sleep without my spouse.

By The Gift

November 9, 2006 10:35 AM | Link to this

Thursday, Why are you “SHACKING UP” with your boyfriend? This is the reason you have a child from a previous relationship. You need to get married before you live with a man. Your boyfriend is correct that the vacations should be canceled until you guys save enough (emergency fund)money? I also believe that your boyfriend should take responsibility for your child. This “not my kid” attitude has to stop. If a man decides to date a woman with children, they have to be prepared to step up to the plate. It appears that your boyfriend is correctly managing the finances in your household. Is your name on the house or deed? If your relationship ended tomorrow, would you be able to afford the house on your own? I think you need to ask yourself these questions TODAY. Just my 2 CENTS!!!

By Leslie

November 9, 2006 10:36 AM | Link to this

Actually, my husband and I have been sleeping separately for a couple of months now. It is not permanent. I just had a baby and I co-sleep with my infants until they are about 4 months old. It just makes nursing easier and the baby wakes up about 5 times a night and my husband needs his sleep. We will go back to the same bed in a few more weeks. Like my husband says, in the course of what will hopefully be a 50-60 year marriage, a few months is nothing. It has not gotten in the way of intimacy or closeness. Sometimes things just happen in a marriage and they are not always permanent and even if they are they are not always signs of a problem. Each situation is deeply personal. Don’t judge, you may find yourself there one day for one reason or another.

By Nickelbelle

November 9, 2006 10:36 AM | Link to this

We’ve been married for 19 years and have always had only 1 checking account…and defintely no separate bedrooms! But I do have earplugs that I couldn’t sleep without!!

By AFather

November 9, 2006 10:44 AM | Link to this

LOL Sunny, “snores too loudly”. Well if my wife snores once I fall asleep I certainly don’t hear it. I don’t even hear myself snore either. I wonder how people that get the urge to discuss THE BIG BANG THEORY, quench their thirst if they sleep in separate bedrooms? Do they wake up in the middle of the night and go to the other and ask if it’s ok that I come in and then ask can I have a little bit? By sleeping together we don’t even have to say a word when the urge comes upon us, Just a Touch here and there sends the signal.

By Rod

November 9, 2006 10:45 AM | Link to this

Sometimes couples have an additional checking account for some purpose - that they both have access to.

However, there are many couples where the man and woman each have their own checking account. All that does is make the divorce easier. If you’re already planning for the divorce, why are you even together?

By danish

November 9, 2006 10:46 AM | Link to this

We also have separate bedrooms—-he is a bad snorer and he gets really hot to the touch, and I am a toss and turner. It just works out better— we end the evening in his room watching tv and cuddling, and then when I am tired, I go to my room and sleep. Sometimes I fall asleep in his bed, and then his snoring will wake me up.

Also, we have a 7 month old who is in the room with me, and since my husband does manual labor, he needs to be rested so as not to cut off a finger… its always been best that he gets undisturbed sleep. Our baby is not yet sleeping through the nite.

Different strokes for different folks!

My mother is horrified we don’t share a bed, but as I said before, it is working for us.

By MoneyHoney

November 9, 2006 10:48 AM | Link to this

Hey Leslie, same here! We do just about everything that you do, exactly the way you do and it works out great. We’re at the beginning of our lives together so it’s great to know that this situation will work long into the future. P.S. - I’m the ‘manager’ too.

By Leslie

November 9, 2006 10:49 AM | Link to this

My husband is a terrible snorer and we have for years slept apart on ocassion when his snoring was very bad. Someday I may be able to use earplugs but when you have small children this is not an option.

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 10:51 AM | Link to this

SEPERATE BEDROOMS!!! and happily married for 35 years, Deborah honey who are you trying to fool, there’s no such thing as happily married with seperate bedrooms, wake up and smell the coffee, if you ave seperate bedrooms, you are NOT happy in the marriage, you are just living as ROOM-MATES with seperate bedrooms who probably sometimes still sleep together. PLEASE GIRLFRIEND, GET A GRIP OF YOUR REALITY!!!!!!!!!

By Renee

November 9, 2006 10:51 AM | Link to this

I have a friend who’s been married for about 10 years - a so-so marriage from the outside. She out earns him by about 50% and they have seperate checking accounts. They each pay their “portion” of the expenses. Since she makes more than him, she pays (roughly) 50% more on the mortgage, utilities, etc.

However, this covers their entire life (budget). This means her discretionary money (to spend on whatever) is also 50% more than his. I can just see her wanting to go for a night on the town, but it’s not in his budget to do so.

One couple - one budget / one checking account. If you want to live independently, don’t get married.

By AFather

November 9, 2006 10:54 AM | Link to this

AMEN and WELL SAID, The Gift. I wonder where Thursday was when I was single? LOL.. Seriously Thursday, I don’t see how a woman could live with a man that did not do for her kids, what kinda mom are you and what kinda guy is he? There is no way I would put a DIME into any account that did not have my name on it. I really think that an account that is not shared and accessible to both parties is just an invitation for someone to be doing something they shouldn’t be doing (like a CHICK ON DA SIDE).

My father died when I was in High School and I had 3 younger siblings. During my senior year my mom started dating this guy and it must have gotten serious because when she finally brought him home to meet us he asked her how old I was and I replied 17. He told my mom “We’ll he can leave and take care of himself”. That was the last time I saw him, she put him on SKATES so he could roll outta her life.

By Thursday

November 9, 2006 10:57 AM | Link to this

The Gift Thank you for the advice. We are shacking up, because he doesn’t want to get married, because he thinks that makes him financially responsible for my child. I have told him over and over it doesn’t, unless he formally adopts my child. But, he is very stubborn and won’t budge. Yes, my name is on the mortgage, and no I could not afford it by myself. I have alot of friends who own homes, and they take vacations. I don’t understand his mentality on this, even though we HAVE a vacation fund, with about $3,000 sitting in it. All together, there is about $10,000 sitting in these various accounts.
I don’t understand why we can’t go on a simple vacation to Florida or someplace to the beach. I’m not asking for a cruise around the world, just a little time away from work, relax a little, etc. Ya know, the reasons most people take vacations. The only time we ever leave our home, is to go visit his parents in Florida, and then we stay with them. I would LOVE to stay in a hotel on the beach one or two nights. I don’t really think that is asking too much…..

By Leslie

November 9, 2006 10:58 AM | Link to this

Rod, your comment is very offensive. How you think you have a right to make an assumption about a couple you don’t even know is insane. We have separate checking accounts and we are deeply committed to each other. We have three children and have been married 15 years. We own a house together and have a large savings account together. Trust me, if we decided to divorce (and that is the furthest thing from our minds) then separate checking accounts would not make it easy. It would not make it easy on us or our children. Such an assumption is ridiculous!

By crimjustice874

November 9, 2006 10:59 AM | Link to this

Thursday-

You need to get you own checking account and make sure he puts you on one of his. Just because you are living together means squat. If you are on the mortgage, you are responsible solely for that house. Is he on the deed? The problem that lies here is he’s taking care of all the bills, but you have no say in the matter. If you are truly partners in a relationship, than you should be sharing everything. As for your child, you are not married and that child is not his responsibility until you are. He shouldn’t have to pay for any of his expenses. Where’s the biological father in this area? Why are you receiving child support?

You need to do alot of thinking about this relationship because it doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well for you.

By Married

November 9, 2006 10:59 AM | Link to this

Thursday, please wake up. This man is using you. He is getting the benefits of marriage (your 300/week for bills and other contributions: sex, cooking, and cleaning) without the commitment of being married. WHY, after 6 years, will he not commit?

I wouldn’t stand for that. Men will take as much as you let them take. If he really cared about you, he would do the right thing and marry you.

I am contantly astounded at the number of women who give their all to a relationship but don’t reap the benefits of marriage.

By AFather

November 9, 2006 11:06 AM | Link to this

Thursday, you need to put him on RATIONS until your name is on the accounts if you know what I mean. No man likes to be rationed when it comes to Lap Pie. He will put you on those accounts immediately unless he’s getting it elsewhere.

By The Gift

November 9, 2006 11:15 AM | Link to this

Thursday, Does your boyfriend want a roommate or a wife? It appears that he is getting the best of both worlds. You have to set up a timeframe (DEADLINE) for a marriage date. Hell, you can go to the courthouse on your off day and GET HITCHED. It is just that simple. Please provide documentation to show your boyfriend the benefits of marriage. What if something happens to you, child, or him? This isn’t a marriage so why would you put your name on the mortgage if you can’t afford to pay it. I always recommend that the MAN needs to be on the mortgage and the WOMAN be on the deed. This is how your scenario usually ends “AFTER 5 YEARS OF SHACKING UP - HE CHEATED AND LEFT ME WITH THE BILLS -MY CREDIT WAS RUINED AND MY CHILD AND I CAN’T AFFORD AN APARTMENT ETC” THIS IS HOW IT USUALLY PLAYS OUT ON TV(see Judge Judy, Judge Mathis).

By CutieB

November 9, 2006 11:21 AM | Link to this

My boyfriend and I are “shaking up” and I happen to love it. I’m not ready to get married, we have no joint accounts and no kids. I have 2 checking accounts and one savings. He gives me his portion of the bills on the 1st each month. Financially I am the stable one and the more responsible one, so that works for us but it’s not for everyone…

Now Thursday, girl, stop giving this man your money. Put your money in your OWN account and ONLY give him whatever your protion of the bills are. If you two were to split right now, whatever money you have in HIS accounts (vacation, house, utilities) is all his, you won’t get your money back. And also if he’s not willing to step up and help out with your son, you need to go. There are plenty of good men who will step up to the plate. I’m not my father’s daughter but I’ve never wanted for anything and he’s always made sure I’ve had. You and your son deserve better!!

By Deb

November 9, 2006 11:23 AM | Link to this

My husband and I have seperate checking and savings accounts at seperate banks where we had them prior to our marriage. We both have good jobs, we split the bills and the rest of our money we do with however we like. We are extremely close and happy and it works great for us…everyone is different, just do whatever works and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks about it…

By Rod

November 9, 2006 11:29 AM | Link to this

Leslie - thank you for your very polite insult to me (didn’t know you were going to take it so personally - must have really hit a deep-seeded nerve, huh).

Fact: Among divorced couples, many more of those couples had seperate finances and didn’t merge into one united financial view. This is a fact - whether you like it or not, seperate finances either lead to a quicker divorce or is a symptom that a divorce is more likely.

Just stating facts here. If you don’t like facts, to bad - you may (hopefully) be the exception.

By Jay

November 9, 2006 11:31 AM | Link to this

Thursday - is the $300 weekly you hand over to your boyfriend covering yours and your sons share of the mortgage and monthly expenses? If so, what’s the problem?

You aren’t married. Why should your boyfriend put your name on his bank accounts?

And, news flash - your child is not your boyfriends responsibility.

By Richard

November 9, 2006 11:34 AM | Link to this

I’ve got to say, I’ve read Rod and Leslie’s comments and while Rod may have been a bit brash - he’s totally correct.

I’m an attorney and 80% of my business is divorces. I’d say the majority (at least 75-80%) of my clients have separate checking accounts. I don’t know if they got the separate accounts as the marriage started to go south or if they started out that way. But the bottom line is: separate accounts = much higher divorce rate.

By Louise

November 9, 2006 11:37 AM | Link to this

Thursday you do need to wake up. This is not a good example to set for your child. That should be your first priority. You are clearly number two in the relationship and your boyfriend’s money is number one. You hear horror stories about couples where one spouse has all the info on the finances then something happens to them and the widow(er) finds out their life is in financial ruins b/c they were not aware of the situation. That is wrong. It is life shattering and you should explain this to him. You need to stand up for yourself as he is clearly taking advantage and all the control in this relationship. Not judging you by any means, but you could certainly save yourself a lot of heartache if you stood up for yourself.

By Hello?

November 9, 2006 11:40 AM | Link to this

Hey Theresa - isn’t this the MOMania blog? Isn’t it supposed to have child-rearing issues? Try to stick to the topic you’re paid to write about.

By The Gift

November 9, 2006 11:40 AM | Link to this

Thursday, it appears that you are in your late 20’s. I will encourage you to get married as soon as possible.

Cutie B, if you are not ready to get married, WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING TO BE MARRIED? This is what Hollywood has done to the 80’s generation. We want to have what our parents had without hard work and sacrifice.

(Word of Advice to both of you Southern LADIES ) Don’t live with a man who is not willing to commit to marriage. Don’t date a man who is not taking care of his own kids.

IN TODAY’S SOCITEY, Sex, love and childbearing have become a la carte choices rather than a package deal that comes with marriage.

By Momof2boys

November 9, 2006 11:43 AM | Link to this

Thursday - you are an IDIOT and a terrible mother. What are you doing shacking up with some guy that doesn’t care enough about you and your son to want to take care of him should something happen to you? He11, he doesn’t even want to take care of you!! HELLO NEON SIGNS EVERYWHERE

Its a package deal sweatheart. If he can’t take the whole package - you need to kick him to the curb.

When I met my husband, my oldest was two. From day ONE - he knew it was a package deal. No if’s and’s or but’s about it. I was/am head over heals for my hubby but, if he hadn’t 100% embraced my son - I’d have told him without a second thought “Don’t let the door hit You where the Good Lord Split You.”

6 years!! You need a good swift kick in the A$$#.

By What?

November 9, 2006 11:46 AM | Link to this

There are some interesting points here. I will be married next year and we have dabbled in the discussion of finances and whether or not to combine accounts. At first I was nervous about giving up “my” money, but when we get married, it’s “ours”. Neither one of us are frivolous spenders…he actually calls me cheap! lol I still write checks to pay my bills, he pays his online…I WANT him to be the manager in our house, so when we sit down to see what we both make, what bills we both have, what will be left over, combined, I think we both come out richer. We have said we may keep our own savings accounts separate. It remains to be seen what we decide to do, but I’ve seen good points pro and con.

THURSDAY

You should NEVER share an account with ANYONE you are not legally married to. That is an invitation for disaster. He is NOT responsible for your child; HOWEVER, I question why you are with this man if his sole reason for not marrying you is “because he doesn’t want to be responsible for your child”!!!! YOUR CHILD DESERVES BETTER THAN THAT! YOUR CHILD SHOULD BE YOUR FIRST PRIORITY!!! Any man who pursues you, should be a man who loves your child as much as he loves you. That is just my opinion. You need to get a separate account and write him a check for your portion of the bills, ASAP. Unfortunately, the money that is yours, that is tied up in all HIS various accounts…you can kiss goodbye. Foolish, Foolish!!

By DMARIE

November 9, 2006 11:54 AM | Link to this

We have 1 joint account & I have 1 account through my work credit union. We have access to both. My credit union account I have a portion each paycheck deposited into that account & have the mortgage automatically drafted so I don’t have to worry at least about a place to live. We then have an accountant that handles all of our bills. We have tried the you manage or I’ll manage it think & it just put a strain on the marriage, where now neither one of us worries about it. It has actually helped us save too because who wants someone else looking in see overdraft & wasteless spending. The accountant tells us we have $X amount of dollars this week to waste & already includes a set portion for gas & groceries. It has been wonderful.

By Theresa

November 9, 2006 11:58 AM | Link to this

Hey Hello — We hit on marital issues a lot in this blog and I think the relationship of the couple definitely affects the way they parent. So I think marital issues are very relevant to parenting. We also discuss how you run your household and this clearly falls into that realm as well. People may come away from this discussion with ideas about how they can better manage their money or they may come away feeling good about their current system. I think it’s always interesting to hear how people run their homes.

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 11:59 AM | Link to this

Momof2boys, HOW DARE you call Thursday an idiot and a terrible mother. WHEN DID YOU SO MASTER MOTHERHOOD, and ooh, I guess you have arrived. As a mother I EXPECT you to give solid sound advice and not BASH. Its mothers like you that other make other mother refuse to turn to women for advice. And before you respond back to me, I’m a mother of 6 girls and life is not perfect, but we MUST encourage and supoort other mother, we dont need any bad weeds in the garden!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By CutieB

November 9, 2006 12:00 PM | Link to this

The Gift My ideals have nothing to do with Hollywood, that’s fantasy, I live in reality! 50% of ALL marriages end in divorce. I am competely content in my relationship just the way it is. F.Y.I. I live in the south but I’m not southern!! And as I stated before, neither one of us have children. I don’t understand why married people are always trying to push this marriage stuff on single people. Just b/c marriage works for you, doesn’t mean it works for everyone. What I do is my choice and it doesn’t have to work for anyone but me. Have a nice day!

By MrLiberty

November 9, 2006 12:02 PM | Link to this

1 account, 1 couple, 1 marriage, 1 happy household.

If you need a second account just to hide spending from the other, even on gifts, then you really need to think about both how much you are spending, and what exactly you two are doing as a couple.

By CutieB

November 9, 2006 12:04 PM | Link to this

The Gift My ideals have nothing to do with Hollywood, that’s fantasy, I live in reality! 50% of ALL marriages end in divorce. I am competely content in my relationship just the way it is. F.Y.I. I live in the south but I’m not southern!! And as I stated before, neither one of us have children. I don’t understand why married people are always trying to push this marriage stuff on single people. Just b/c marriage works for you, doesn’t mean it works for everyone. What I do is my choice and it doesn’t have to work for anyone but me. Have a nice day!

By Jay

November 9, 2006 12:04 PM | Link to this

Someone enlighten me - my husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have never even had a disgreement about money. I know lots of couple fight over money but I really don’t understand why. What exactly are you fighting about?

Maybe we just look at it very simplistically - bills and savings are paid first, kids priorities come next and - everything else just works out. I could care less what he spends for lunch every week and he doesn’t care how much I spend on my hair or new shoes. If he wants new 62” LCD TV - ok, babe, let’s figure out how to make that happen.

What is all the fighting about?

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 12:06 PM | Link to this

Thursday, here’s my advice to you. I’m a single mother of 6. I just left my husband after going through the same crap you are in. My husband CONTROLLED everything, I couldnt ask him to buy me a cup of water if I wanted to. So with my 394 credit score, I LEFT HIM. Bought a brand new car by God’s grace, found a NICE apartment by God’s grace and found a job AFTER the car and the apartment paying me 6 figures!!!, all by God’s grace. When you get treated like crap, take it to God, step out on faith and he will take care of you. My husband is now unemployed and running around like a chicken with his neck chopped off trying to save the house that is his name. I dealt with that crap for years and now God is taking care of me and my children. In all you do, keep a clean heart and God will take care of you.

By muffin

November 9, 2006 12:08 PM | Link to this

people with separate accounts getting divorced more is entirely coincidental. more couples keep separate accounts these days because more people marry at later ages and have had these accounts for 10 or 15 years already, and more people give up on marriage and decide to divorce these days. DUH. i dont’ live my life by statistics, i live it by what makes me and my spouse happy and since my spouse is awful with money, we have separate accounts and i pay all the bills. he has access to it if he needs it but he has his own account with his own separate money to spend and when he bounces a check, he gets to pay the fees himself. I’ll tell you what will cause a divorce: a couple who have one account and one spouse who can’t manage money and causes financial ruin.

By Momof2boys

November 9, 2006 12:10 PM | Link to this

Angelique, I call it like I see it. If she were a dear girlfriend, I would tell her the same thing.

My concern is with her child who is living with a man for at least 6 years that obviously doesn’t care much about him. A child will be very much aware of this. As a mother of 6, you know this is true. I’m not concerned about bruising her ego, she needs to hear the truth. If you want to dance around it, that’s your choice.

By muffin

November 9, 2006 12:10 PM | Link to this

DMARIE where do you find this accountant and how much does it cost??

By kt

November 9, 2006 12:11 PM | Link to this

Leslie thanks for sharing your credit score with us, what was the point of that?

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 12:11 PM | Link to this

Thursday, I would LOVE to talk to you. Please send me an e-mail to me personally. My e-mail address is Angelique@ICanIamWoman.com

By muffin

November 9, 2006 12:12 PM | Link to this

JAY you’re obviously loaded. Couples who fight about money are usually living paycheck to paycheck. Get some perspective.

By Dennis

November 9, 2006 12:16 PM | Link to this

Muffin - you’re wrong. Separate accounts does lead to more divorces. Shut your mouth about things you don’t know. Oh, I guess you’d always be quiet then.

By Teacher's Kid

November 9, 2006 12:17 PM | Link to this

Thursday—if he hasn’t asked you to marry him after 6 years, he’s not going to. Don’t give him an ultimatum, as it will backfire. A marriage should be based on two people going in willingly, not one person coercing the other into marriage.

If he’s not willing to go on a vacation with you now, he’s not going to ever. He’s smart not to put your name on the accounts because you two are not married and he knows that if your name were on the accounts that if you up and left, he would be the one financially vulnerable. He’s also made it obvious that he does not want to take on the financial responsibility of helping take care of your child. Bottom line: He is using you and and doesn’t have the guts to tell you to your face that it is OVER!

Time to pack your bags and call a lawyer to find out what responsibilities you have and what rights you have regarding the house. In the future, I’d highly recommend NOT buying property with someone unless you are married!

PS. Today’s column is also yet another good reason for premarital financial counseling! If you are dating someone who appears to be irresponsible about money, has no savings whatsoever, has a credit rating that is shot, or wants to have ALL control over the finances (this goes for both genders), RUN!! Marriage will not change them and you could be financially ruined!! Fortunately, you can usually pick up on these clues while you are dating. Remember, once you’ve said the “I Dos” and have signed the paperwork, you are LEGALLY bound to that person. No, it’s not romantic, but neither is divorce court!

By Angerlique

November 9, 2006 12:18 PM | Link to this

Momof2boys, I absolutely agree, I agree with your last comment to me, all I’m saying is dont call her a terrible mother and an idiot!!! We “ALL” stumble at times in our life. I just thing we need to be more encouraging with our words thats all, she’s going through alot right now.

By Thursday

November 9, 2006 12:20 PM | Link to this

Thank you everyone for your replies to my post.
Here’s another situation. My boyfriend won’t help financially with my son, but he disciplines him, etc. He acts like a father to him, but absolutely refuses to have anything to do with the “financial” things. IF my boy wants to play football, I pay. If he has to go to the doctor, I pay. If he needs clothes, I pay, you get the picture. My son slipped and fell this past summer, and required 12 stitches in his head, I paid. I left work (boyfriend was at home, called and told me what happened, and that I needed to take care of him). I had to leave work (no pay), and went and got my child, and took him to the emergency room by myself. We have no insurance (No benefits at my job), again I paid. Therefore I could not give him the $300 that week. One of my girlfriends said I am being mentally abused. I admit I am passive, and truly afraid of making him mad and leaving, or kicking us out of the house. I cannot afford this house or an apartment without him or a roommate. I am a waitress and do not make that much money. Plus, I am in my late 40’s and I don’t think anyone else will want me now. Again, any advice would really be appreciated.

By Jennifer

November 9, 2006 12:22 PM | Link to this

We never kept separate accounts from the day we married almost 10 years ago, and now that I’m a SAHM I’m grateful because we were already in the mindset of “What’s mine is yours” and I don’t think there’s any resentment about him making all the money. I think people have to do what works for them, and for us its using one account.

By The Gift

November 9, 2006 12:22 PM | Link to this

Cutie B, you are correct that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. The main reasons are FINANCES AND COMMUNICATION.

What are you communicating to your boyfriend by living with him without being MARRIED? Soceity always ends up paying for irresponsible choices of shacking up (child support, welfare, etc)NOW THAT’S REALITY!!!!!

2 things I don’t believe in is 1)”SHACKING UP” & 2)PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS” (Concepts made socially acceptable by HOLLYWOOD) 1) Someone always gets burned at the end of the relationship while living together(bad credit, cheating, out of wedlock) 2) YOU SHOULD NOT ENTER A MARRIAGE PREPARING FOR A DIVORCE - This is what you are stating to your mate ” I love you but just in case I fall out of love with you please sign this contract”

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 12:27 PM | Link to this

Thursday, there’s an ole saying that goes like this: “Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free”. Yes, your boyfriend KNOWS he’s taking advantage of you. Its time to either say goodbye or make a concious decision to continue living like that having your son see the example you are setting for him. The message to your son is simply: You are raising him to do the same thing to another woman what your boyfriend is doing to you” Thursday, you are a queen and you deserve better. This blog is not about bank accounts, but character.

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 12:30 PM | Link to this

Thursday, Thursday, honey you are realyy ticking off ALOT of mothers out here. We HATE to see you go through this. OK, DUMP his sorry AZZ, e-mail me PLEASE, read the previous blogs for my e-mail address (ICanIAmWoman)

HE IS USING YOU and that is mental abuse. DUMP HIM, Change the locks on the door, kick him out or just LEAVE!!!!

By Cammi

November 9, 2006 12:35 PM | Link to this

Thursday if you can afford to pay that clown $300/week, you can afford an apartment for yourself and your son. You can certainly find a moderate 2 bedroom apartment for $600-800/month. Stop thinking you can’t live without a man and move on. What is your son going to think about you and women in general if you continue to raise him in this environment?

By The Gift

November 9, 2006 12:35 PM | Link to this

Thursday, I thought you were young and naive by your first statement. You should know better in your LATE 40’s.

Are you getting child support from your son’s father? If no, please go to the courthouse on your off day and file a petition. You are signing away a lot of DOLLARS by letting him off the hook.

I agree with Mom2B. This isn’t the time to be soft. We are offering constructive criticism.

This boyfriend is completely disrespecting you and your child. Your son is going to learn similar traits from your boyfriend if your not careful. I think you need to call his bluff. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANYMORE MONEY UNTIL HE IS WILLING TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE. He won’t leave because he is probably in love with you after 6 years but afraid to commit.

Please draw up a new contract. I know you have long term financial plans. (Save for retirement, College savings for your child) You are financially strapped because he refuses to take care of his “MAN OF THE HOUSE” Responsibilities.

By Rita

November 9, 2006 12:37 PM | Link to this

Did any of you people date before you got married? Did you discuss finances, children, sleeping arrangements, etc? No wonder the divorce stats are so high - most of you went into marriage with the 50% attitude. Separate accounts leads to dishonesty. Separate beds - sounds like you have big issues. You people need to wake up and save your marriages - that is if you really want to!

By armjr1978

November 9, 2006 12:38 PM | Link to this

This is what is wrong with marriages today, when a Man and Woman gets married it is a coming together of not just finances but of souls. When you live your lifes seperate you deprive yourselfs the God givin right of happiness and joy. It does not matter about seperate banking accounts as long as you live together as best friends and as lovers. People remmenber when you get married you become a team.(please share a bedroom those who do not)

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 12:38 PM | Link to this

Thursday, you must first love yourself enough to know that you can be loved and accepted by someone else. You MUST know that you are significant enough and that you were not put on this earth to settle for what you currently have. If you beleive in your heart no-one else will love you, then guess what, no-one else will come along and you will go on living and telling your-self this is all I’m worth, my boyfriend treating me like crap, refusing to marry me and I’m willing to accpet it beacuse, there’s no other choice. YES, life is a choice you must first decide that choice in your mind.

By Ricky

November 9, 2006 12:39 PM | Link to this

Surely Thursday can’t be serious? She can’t be that ignorant on all of this, can she? I think it’s someone just having fun getting people to post stuff.

If she’s real, she can leave her boyfriend and come stay with me as my girlfriend - I could use a maid who helps out on the mortgage like that!

By CutieB

November 9, 2006 12:43 PM | Link to this

The Gift sweetie why are you so moody? Shaking up is not the main reasons for welfare, child support, etc. You sound very bitter and angry.I bet your hands and feet are always cold…lol. But anyway, like I said my situation works for me. I have a very good job, I invest and I also have a trust fund. I communicate to my b/f that I’m 25 and yes I do love him, I’m not ready to be a wife. I’m glad that you are a cheerleader for marriage, that works for you and I don’t judge that. I’ve been married, I’m not in a rush to do it again…

By mother4lyfe

November 9, 2006 12:46 PM | Link to this

No matter what advice we can give to anyone the bottom line is to each is own. What works for someone else may not work for the next person. I use to watch my grandparents whom were married for 56 years sleep in two different bed but in the same room and I always said I would not be that way. My husband and I have been together for 20 years, married for 15 years, lived together for 4 years before marriage. I heard all the comments about he would never marry me because we were living together with two kids. We had joint accounts and now we have separate accounts. The reason being is because it doesn’t matter if you have joint account each is going to spend the way each wants. and it does have an affect on the relationship. Now he pays the mortgage, the car notes, car insurance, life insurance. I pay the house bill and I buy the clothes except for his clothes he do that. We go half on the children school extra curriculum, and grocery. The only time we sleep apart is when one of us is sick to keep the other from getting it. Everyone need to find what works best for them and work with that.

By Kimberly

November 9, 2006 12:47 PM | Link to this

My husband and I have 2 accounts, and BOTH of our names are on BOTH accounts. The 2nd account came about as a self-protection measure when we were having marital problems (which are resolved now, I’m happy to say) but ended up being a life-saver when I was deployed. I added my husband to that 2nd account. That way, all of our money went to the 1st account, for him to pay bills, take care of our son, and have money to spend; the 2nd account had a small amount going to it each pay-day for me to cover expenses while deployed (shampoo, soap, laundry, the occasional Burger King trip, etc.) It has worked out great. As I’m sure I’ll be deployed again, I am keeping both accounts open. Granted, the 2nd account may only have the minimum amount in it to avoid fees, but it will save us LOTS of trouble down the road, and it worked out to the good.

By dm

November 9, 2006 12:49 PM | Link to this

Things sure have gotten testy here. I don’t see any issues with having 3 accounts - joint, and a separate each for our own spending money. Our paychecks get deposited in the joint account and a ‘weekly allowance’ gets transferred to our personal accounts. It’s nice to be able to buy myself lunch or whatever and not worry about what my DH may be debiting that day. We developed our budget together and discuss changes/financial decisions together as needed. The separate accounts just give us financial freedom to run our spending money as we see fit. And we’re definitely NOT getting divorced - lighten up people! There are lots of ways to handle things.

By Sunny

November 9, 2006 12:56 PM | Link to this

Afternoon all. I have a confession. Thursday is for real, she is my best friend. I have know her for close to 25 years now. I was reading today’s blogs, and I saw this one, and told her to get on-line and see if she couldn’t get some advice. I know she is sick and tired of me wailing on her about this situation. I myself am a single parent, living on my own, with my one child. I own my own home, and have a wonderful job, which Thursday does not. She has always been a waitress, and I tried to get her to take some business classes to better herself and her situation. The boyfriend is somewhat good to her, but just is such a jerk when it comes to finances. I have told her for years to get her own account, and give him her share of the bills once a month.
This is driving me crazy, and you all have given her some wonderful advice. I doubt she will ever leave this man. They have been together 13 years. The boy’s father is totally out of the picture and the country. That in itself is a whole ‘nother story… I promise this is true, since she is sitting right next to me watching all this.

By Fulton County Mom

November 9, 2006 12:58 PM | Link to this

OK, time for me to jump in with my Opinion (humble or not).

I was married to someone who checked the account daily…if there was money in it he felt that meant it could be spent…many, many bounced checks later, I closed the account. He then would lie about how much he made or what bill he paid—- that left me more than 5K in debt when he walked out! I had a seperate Savings Account and had $20/check put in it….He found out and told me to close it…..As I said Mr. Control Freak finally left!! (Same guy who never has his child support)

Thursday, I am with the blog…take a long hard look at the relationship. He doesn’t want the kid. He doesn’t want you in his business….Honey you are just a warm body and a roomate. Kick him to the curb.

I had someone who kept telling me “well I never told you to have kids” (this was after the divorce). Guess what, I never told him to ask me out…I have kids if you can’t deal keep walking!

As for finances on the kid, he is on to something. GA law changed last year, if he marries you his income is a factor in whatever financial support you would receive.

By lovelyliz

November 9, 2006 12:58 PM | Link to this

His, Hers and theirs is probably the best way to go these days. The joint account is for bills and other family stuff. The separate accounts are so that they can each spend or not agreed upon amount of money.

The good old days weren’t always good and relationship and the way they are run have to evolve. What worked for my grandparents or even my parents, wouldn’t work for me.

I’ve seen my sister get blamed for bounced checks when it was her husband who took $$$ out at the ATM and forgot about it. They each now have their own accounts.

By GaNative

November 9, 2006 01:00 PM | Link to this

LMAO Ricky, I was about to invite her to come live with my wife and me if she likes donating to accounts where she’s not ont the account. I can’t figure her out either. Maybe the boyfriend has a GOLDEN ROD and he HUMPS LIKE A WILD BULL.

By CutieB

November 9, 2006 01:01 PM | Link to this

Well it’s been nice talking to you all but I have conf calls…everyone take care… Bye The Gift, really nice talking to you!!

Thursday girl your deserve better and you should want better. If it doesn’t suit you, then it’s not for you. Let it go!!! You have to trust that God will take care of you…

By SNY

November 9, 2006 01:04 PM | Link to this

Ricky,

Go away. Now you are an IDIOT! That was totally not called for at all.

Thursday,

As a woman with two kids who has thought about leaving her husband, get a plan together. Start putting money aside so that when you are ready to leave this a$$, you will be ready. You are going to need about $1000-1500 saved up to get an apartment. If you don’t have a car, chose a complex near your job. Who cares as long as it is safe for your child. Start talking to your son and let him know that the things that he is witnessing in your home is incorrect. Call your mortgage comany and see if you can get off of the mortgage, you may need to call a lawyer for that. I know, lawyers cost money, but one may talk to you free of charge to give some advice. Lean on your friends and family. Talk to them, just talking can be extremely helpful. I am so crying while I am typing this because I know that this is hard for you.

I know that you told us that you didn’t want anyone telling you to leave him because you love him, but you have to love yourself and your son first. To HELL with him. It sounds like I love and care for you more than you love yourself and that isn’t right. Please promise that you will start to save and get yourself an exit plan. At least start one. You will be amazed at how easy it is to finish once you start it. I promise, it works.

BTW, in the end, my husband and I worked out our financial troubles and we are happier than ever. I am so glad, I love that man soooo much. But don’t get it twisted, if we could not have fixed the problem, he would be gone.

By 45 Atl Man

November 9, 2006 01:06 PM | Link to this

First of all, Lots of people divorce that have joint checking accounts. Even homes.It does not make you safe to put all of you’re eggs in one basket. In this day of “FREE CHECKING” there is no need to. A checking account does not hold two people together. If you love someone and you’re paying you’re part of the bills then that is commitment.I would not want to be married to anyone that can not take care of there extra bills. If my wife makes more money then me then, yes she should be able to spend the diffence, how she see fit. A new car, a trip , however she fills. After what is consider a fair amount of the bills paid by each party. I feel that a person should be able to buy or save what they have left over. Were all adults. And not to pick on anyone. Why can you save enought money to go to Florida on you’re own ? If he is helping with other bills then that should free up, some of you’re money.

By Jesse's Girl

November 9, 2006 01:12 PM | Link to this

Um…Thursday…..can you tell me ( because I am too lazy to read through everything ) why you are with this goober? From what I can gather, you CAN indeed afford to live on your own. My guess is you just don’t want to. Have you considered what kind of lessons you are teaching your daughter? She is going to grow up with one heck of a complex thanks to you.

By Rita

November 9, 2006 01:14 PM | Link to this

Again - are you people listening to what you are saying? You sound like you were clueless about a lot of things before you said “I Do”. You had to have known your soon-to-be spouse was a loser with money. If stats show that finances are a major cause of divorce then ask the hard money questions BEFORE you get married. You set yourself up for FAILURE. Blogs like this are full of all the “right” people that make all the WRONG mistakes.

By Sunny

November 9, 2006 01:15 PM | Link to this

Thank you all for the “Harsh” reality for Thursday. I hope she “grows a pair” and stands up to the b/f. But I really doubt it, since it has been this way for a very long time. I have offered her and her son to come stay with me, until she can get on her feet.
I hope to God I am never in this situation. I like to believe I am a strong independent woman. I’ve been on my own, raising my child for close to 16 years now (with no child support either). Thanks again bloggers…..we appreciate it.

By Janna

November 9, 2006 01:17 PM | Link to this

Thursday. Leave him. If you are on the mortgage, then sell him your portion of the house and take the equity out and get your own apartment. With what you pay him you can have your own place. He is controlling you. You will be a lot happier without him. We have 3 accounts. His, mine and household. Same small amount goes to the his, and mine for gas and lunches. That way we don’t overspend and we can try and save and see who can spend less.

By Jesse's Girl

November 9, 2006 01:19 PM | Link to this

Sorry Thursday….do you have a son or a daughter? Either way….it is still going to turn out very badly.

By Momof2boys

November 9, 2006 01:28 PM | Link to this

Thursday, my first post was harsh and to the point. Intentionally. Dear, you need a wake up call.

If you don’t like the situation, only you can change it. That doesn’t mean pretending you can change him. You can’t.

Love yourself, love your son. You deserve better. Your son deserves better.

You don’t think another man will want you. Please…men are a dime a dozen. (no offense guys) But, most importantly, stop thinking you need a man. A man should be in your life because you want him, not because you need him.

You need to separate yourself from the situation. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. All of the advice above about saving is good. Sell him your share of the house and move on.

By Fulton County Mom

November 9, 2006 01:34 PM | Link to this

Thursday, Have no idea what you make but if its less than 25K you probably qualify for benefits through the state. It might be a place to look.

Bottom line either decide to quit *&^% about the situation to Sunny or anyone else and accept the bed you made OR (this would be my choice)…realize that their are worse things in life than being single!

Take your son, get an apartment, their are scholarships available for after school care. You can do it no matter how hard it was….5K in debt when he left with NO MONEY in the checking account (he took when he walked) and $80 in my savings……Several years later, I have a nice apartment, good schools, great job, nice car. OK, so no man in my life, as I said there are worse things than being single (oh and that 5K is paid off too!)

Sunny, thanks for the insight! 13 years with this guy 6 living with him….how old is the kid? He was either “known” when the relationship started or “we were on a break!” . Either way the b/f knew.

By Deborah Lee

November 9, 2006 01:35 PM | Link to this

What is your problem with separate bedrooms? My husband and I do everything together, yes we have sex, and we are best friends. He would and does everything for me. I like being able to get up in the middle of the night and read or watch TV or surf the