MOMania

By Marriednochildren

November 9, 2006 07:55 AM | Link to this

We opened a joint account when we got married, but also just kept our separate accounts. The majority of our household income goes into the joint, but a very small amount does go into the separate accounts as well. It’s mainly used for gifts for each other, and things that we really really want that the other doesn’t see the need for. Although, the latter hasn’t happened yet. At this point we are both working and have no kids, so who knows if this set-up will change in the future.

By Jesse's Girl

November 9, 2006 07:56 AM | Link to this

Yes…we have two accounts. One for the usual stuff, where the bulk of our money goes. The other is geared soecifically toward running the household expenses…..food, clothing, kid’s activity fees, gas for me. That way, we know exactly where all the money goes. I also have disciplined myself to work with as little money as possible for any given week. There are always little things that come up….but for the most part we have fun trying to see who spends the least amount of money. Its usually him…he’s cheaper than Huskies and Tuff Skins! We also have savings accounts for the girls. They have a very responsible attitude about money. So yes…..I think if handled with respect at the onset, two accounts can be a good thing. Just make sure that even if only one of you has access to an account that you both know what is going on in said account.

By AFather

November 9, 2006 08:08 AM | Link to this

We have 2 separate accounts and we both have access to them. There’s no problem in the relationship, but the 2nd account was opened years ago when everything was done by check and I could never get her to write down her check info in the check register. Sometimes I never knew who the check was sent to and the amount until the bill came. Thank God for online banking because now I see everything instantly. Everything now is done with the debit card.

By Deborah Lee

November 9, 2006 08:15 AM | Link to this

I have always had two checking accounts with both of our names on it. Over the years the responsibilities change as to what each acoount is used for. Mine is now being used to pay for my son’s college tuition and room and board among other things. Also, my husband and I have separate bedrooms and we love it. We have been happily married for 35 years. The everything together is OLD SCHOOL.

By Together for 12

November 9, 2006 09:17 AM | Link to this

We have 3 checking accounts - his, hers, and ours. We had our own accounts originally and then got the joint after we were married. “Ours” is for all the household stuff -food, bills, mortgage, etc. We both have access to all the accounts and both have access to the budget to see how the money is coming and going. No secrets, but if we’re buying a surprise gift, we use cash.

The his/her accounts cover our individual car gas usage, “fun” money, gifts for each other, clothing, savings, etc.

If I recall correctly, if one of you dies, any account with the deceased’s name on it could be frozen. If you share all the accounts, and they get frozen, you can’t pay the bills! They could be frozen as long as it takes for probate to complete the will or such, and by then, you could default on your mortgage and lose your home.

By scv

November 9, 2006 09:37 AM | Link to this

We have separate accounts, but its mainly b/c we never consolidated after we got married. We have it now where each of us has access to the others and they show up on one statement, but we never actually touch the other’s accts. Bills are split so that I pay the mortgage and groceries, and he pays household bills, credit card, daycare, etc. We make our own payments to our IRAs. However, we don’t have any type of budget whatsoever, and that is something that should probably change.

By Jay

November 9, 2006 09:37 AM | Link to this

Together for 12 - I disagree, but don’t know with absolute certainty, about the accounts being frozen if one of the account holders dies. That’s one of the reasons to have two names, so it can’t be frozen upon one’s death.

When my grandfather passed away, my mother and I stopped by the bank to discuss his account - without my mothers knowledge, my grandfather had put her name on his account but a signature card had never been signed…before the bank rep would talk to my Mom, she quickly gave her a signature card to make it “legal” to prevent the account from being frozen.

All of our accounts are shared. There’s absolutely no reason for them not to be.

By Leslie

November 9, 2006 09:58 AM | Link to this

We have separate checking accounts (even sep. banks) and this is essential to maintaining our marriage. I pay all the bills via e-payments from my checking account and my husband just writes me a check at the first of the month for his portion of the bills and monthly expenses. From that I pay all the bills, buy the groceries, and pay other household expenses. I also maintain the savings and credit card accounts. What he is left with in his account is his to spend however he wants (gas in his car, eating out, entertainment, whatever) and I always have a portion of my own money to spend at my own descretion. We have run like a well-oiled machine like this for 15 years. I don’t question him on his free money spending and he doesn’t question me on mine. The bills always get paid and get paid on time because I am a good manager. We both have credit ratings of about 800 and we very, very rarely disagree about money. It is important that each person have a certain amount of money each month to spend as they like without having to ask permission or face questions from the spouse. If both partners are trustworthy and stay within limits this gives the whole marriage a great deal of peace where money is concerned. Whether that “free” money is $20.00 a month or $2000.00 a month does not really matter. We had many years early in our relationship when we were poor and young when it was just a few dollars a month so I know for a fact that the amount is incidental. I watched my parents fight about money all my childhood and I swore I would not do that with my spouse, and by and large, I have not.

By AFather

November 9, 2006 10:08 AM | Link to this

OK, help me understand something here. “Happily married for 35 years and separate bedrooms”. I’ve been married 31 years and I’m not even entertaining the thought of SEPARATE BEDROOMS.

By danish

November 9, 2006 10:10 AM | Link to this

Ha, how timely. We just consolidated our 2 checking accts into one— he only had his because his car payment was debited directly from that account but we just paid his car off, so he closed his account. He’d had a flat amount of his paycheck direct deposited into my checking account, which is where I pay all the bills from. Then at the end of the month he wrote another check to help with the bills… I manage the finances in the house, and he is fine with that. Going back a few columns, I outearn him too. Along those lines, I also outspend him.

Now all our money is together, and even though it has only been a couple of weeks, it seems ok so far. Our one year wedding anniversary is on Sunday, and we have had no problems with how the money is managed in our house.

By Thursday

November 9, 2006 10:15 AM | Link to this

My boyfriend and I live together, and purchased a house together about 6 years ago. We decided that each of us would contribute $300 a week towards the mortgage, bills, etc. Here is the problem, he has all the bank accounts, several in fact, and none are in my name. He has a roofing account, vacation account, mortgage account, and monthly bill account, to mention a few. It really bothers me that he will not put my name on any of the accounts which I am putting money into. I tell him, if something should happened to him, the money would all be gone, and I would get nothing. I don’t like this arrangement. He controls the money and I don’t even get a say as to what it is spent on. As for the vacation fund, we don’t go on vacations. Ever since we purchased the house, he seems to have the mentality that we cannot ever go anywhere on vacation, as we have the house. This is really putting a strain on our relationship. Also he makes about 2 to 3 times as much as I do. I have a child from a previous relationship, and all expenses for him are my responsibility, he will not help out at all. Solutions/suggestions anyone????? Please don’t tell me to leave him, I don’t think that is the answer. And, by the way my name is on the mortgage.

By Sunny

November 9, 2006 10:20 AM | Link to this

AFather, I don’t understand that one either, separate bedrooms. I have a few friends who have hit the 20 year mark with their spouses, and they have separate bedrooms too. I don’t get it. They say is because each other snores too loudly. I say, purchase ear plugs…..I WOULD NOT want to sleep without my spouse.

By The Gift

November 9, 2006 10:35 AM | Link to this

Thursday, Why are you “SHACKING UP” with your boyfriend? This is the reason you have a child from a previous relationship. You need to get married before you live with a man. Your boyfriend is correct that the vacations should be canceled until you guys save enough (emergency fund)money? I also believe that your boyfriend should take responsibility for your child. This “not my kid” attitude has to stop. If a man decides to date a woman with children, they have to be prepared to step up to the plate. It appears that your boyfriend is correctly managing the finances in your household. Is your name on the house or deed? If your relationship ended tomorrow, would you be able to afford the house on your own? I think you need to ask yourself these questions TODAY. Just my 2 CENTS!!!

By Leslie

November 9, 2006 10:36 AM | Link to this

Actually, my husband and I have been sleeping separately for a couple of months now. It is not permanent. I just had a baby and I co-sleep with my infants until they are about 4 months old. It just makes nursing easier and the baby wakes up about 5 times a night and my husband needs his sleep. We will go back to the same bed in a few more weeks. Like my husband says, in the course of what will hopefully be a 50-60 year marriage, a few months is nothing. It has not gotten in the way of intimacy or closeness. Sometimes things just happen in a marriage and they are not always permanent and even if they are they are not always signs of a problem. Each situation is deeply personal. Don’t judge, you may find yourself there one day for one reason or another.

By Nickelbelle

November 9, 2006 10:36 AM | Link to this

We’ve been married for 19 years and have always had only 1 checking account…and defintely no separate bedrooms! But I do have earplugs that I couldn’t sleep without!!

By AFather

November 9, 2006 10:44 AM | Link to this

LOL Sunny, “snores too loudly”. Well if my wife snores once I fall asleep I certainly don’t hear it. I don’t even hear myself snore either. I wonder how people that get the urge to discuss THE BIG BANG THEORY, quench their thirst if they sleep in separate bedrooms? Do they wake up in the middle of the night and go to the other and ask if it’s ok that I come in and then ask can I have a little bit? By sleeping together we don’t even have to say a word when the urge comes upon us, Just a Touch here and there sends the signal.

By Rod

November 9, 2006 10:45 AM | Link to this

Sometimes couples have an additional checking account for some purpose - that they both have access to.

However, there are many couples where the man and woman each have their own checking account. All that does is make the divorce easier. If you’re already planning for the divorce, why are you even together?

By danish

November 9, 2006 10:46 AM | Link to this

We also have separate bedrooms—-he is a bad snorer and he gets really hot to the touch, and I am a toss and turner. It just works out better— we end the evening in his room watching tv and cuddling, and then when I am tired, I go to my room and sleep. Sometimes I fall asleep in his bed, and then his snoring will wake me up.

Also, we have a 7 month old who is in the room with me, and since my husband does manual labor, he needs to be rested so as not to cut off a finger… its always been best that he gets undisturbed sleep. Our baby is not yet sleeping through the nite.

Different strokes for different folks!

My mother is horrified we don’t share a bed, but as I said before, it is working for us.

By MoneyHoney

November 9, 2006 10:48 AM | Link to this

Hey Leslie, same here! We do just about everything that you do, exactly the way you do and it works out great. We’re at the beginning of our lives together so it’s great to know that this situation will work long into the future. P.S. - I’m the ‘manager’ too.

By Leslie

November 9, 2006 10:49 AM | Link to this

My husband is a terrible snorer and we have for years slept apart on ocassion when his snoring was very bad. Someday I may be able to use earplugs but when you have small children this is not an option.

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 10:51 AM | Link to this

SEPERATE BEDROOMS!!! and happily married for 35 years, Deborah honey who are you trying to fool, there’s no such thing as happily married with seperate bedrooms, wake up and smell the coffee, if you ave seperate bedrooms, you are NOT happy in the marriage, you are just living as ROOM-MATES with seperate bedrooms who probably sometimes still sleep together. PLEASE GIRLFRIEND, GET A GRIP OF YOUR REALITY!!!!!!!!!

By Renee

November 9, 2006 10:51 AM | Link to this

I have a friend who’s been married for about 10 years - a so-so marriage from the outside. She out earns him by about 50% and they have seperate checking accounts. They each pay their “portion” of the expenses. Since she makes more than him, she pays (roughly) 50% more on the mortgage, utilities, etc.

However, this covers their entire life (budget). This means her discretionary money (to spend on whatever) is also 50% more than his. I can just see her wanting to go for a night on the town, but it’s not in his budget to do so.

One couple - one budget / one checking account. If you want to live independently, don’t get married.

By AFather

November 9, 2006 10:54 AM | Link to this

AMEN and WELL SAID, The Gift. I wonder where Thursday was when I was single? LOL.. Seriously Thursday, I don’t see how a woman could live with a man that did not do for her kids, what kinda mom are you and what kinda guy is he? There is no way I would put a DIME into any account that did not have my name on it. I really think that an account that is not shared and accessible to both parties is just an invitation for someone to be doing something they shouldn’t be doing (like a CHICK ON DA SIDE).

My father died when I was in High School and I had 3 younger siblings. During my senior year my mom started dating this guy and it must have gotten serious because when she finally brought him home to meet us he asked her how old I was and I replied 17. He told my mom “We’ll he can leave and take care of himself”. That was the last time I saw him, she put him on SKATES so he could roll outta her life.

By Thursday

November 9, 2006 10:57 AM | Link to this

The Gift Thank you for the advice. We are shacking up, because he doesn’t want to get married, because he thinks that makes him financially responsible for my child. I have told him over and over it doesn’t, unless he formally adopts my child. But, he is very stubborn and won’t budge. Yes, my name is on the mortgage, and no I could not afford it by myself. I have alot of friends who own homes, and they take vacations. I don’t understand his mentality on this, even though we HAVE a vacation fund, with about $3,000 sitting in it. All together, there is about $10,000 sitting in these various accounts.
I don’t understand why we can’t go on a simple vacation to Florida or someplace to the beach. I’m not asking for a cruise around the world, just a little time away from work, relax a little, etc. Ya know, the reasons most people take vacations. The only time we ever leave our home, is to go visit his parents in Florida, and then we stay with them. I would LOVE to stay in a hotel on the beach one or two nights. I don’t really think that is asking too much…..

By Leslie

November 9, 2006 10:58 AM | Link to this

Rod, your comment is very offensive. How you think you have a right to make an assumption about a couple you don’t even know is insane. We have separate checking accounts and we are deeply committed to each other. We have three children and have been married 15 years. We own a house together and have a large savings account together. Trust me, if we decided to divorce (and that is the furthest thing from our minds) then separate checking accounts would not make it easy. It would not make it easy on us or our children. Such an assumption is ridiculous!

By crimjustice874

November 9, 2006 10:59 AM | Link to this

Thursday-

You need to get you own checking account and make sure he puts you on one of his. Just because you are living together means squat. If you are on the mortgage, you are responsible solely for that house. Is he on the deed? The problem that lies here is he’s taking care of all the bills, but you have no say in the matter. If you are truly partners in a relationship, than you should be sharing everything. As for your child, you are not married and that child is not his responsibility until you are. He shouldn’t have to pay for any of his expenses. Where’s the biological father in this area? Why are you receiving child support?

You need to do alot of thinking about this relationship because it doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well for you.

By Married

November 9, 2006 10:59 AM | Link to this

Thursday, please wake up. This man is using you. He is getting the benefits of marriage (your 300/week for bills and other contributions: sex, cooking, and cleaning) without the commitment of being married. WHY, after 6 years, will he not commit?

I wouldn’t stand for that. Men will take as much as you let them take. If he really cared about you, he would do the right thing and marry you.

I am contantly astounded at the number of women who give their all to a relationship but don’t reap the benefits of marriage.

By AFather

November 9, 2006 11:06 AM | Link to this

Thursday, you need to put him on RATIONS until your name is on the accounts if you know what I mean. No man likes to be rationed when it comes to Lap Pie. He will put you on those accounts immediately unless he’s getting it elsewhere.

By The Gift

November 9, 2006 11:15 AM | Link to this

Thursday, Does your boyfriend want a roommate or a wife? It appears that he is getting the best of both worlds. You have to set up a timeframe (DEADLINE) for a marriage date. Hell, you can go to the courthouse on your off day and GET HITCHED. It is just that simple. Please provide documentation to show your boyfriend the benefits of marriage. What if something happens to you, child, or him? This isn’t a marriage so why would you put your name on the mortgage if you can’t afford to pay it. I always recommend that the MAN needs to be on the mortgage and the WOMAN be on the deed. This is how your scenario usually ends “AFTER 5 YEARS OF SHACKING UP - HE CHEATED AND LEFT ME WITH THE BILLS -MY CREDIT WAS RUINED AND MY CHILD AND I CAN’T AFFORD AN APARTMENT ETC” THIS IS HOW IT USUALLY PLAYS OUT ON TV(see Judge Judy, Judge Mathis).

By CutieB

November 9, 2006 11:21 AM | Link to this

My boyfriend and I are “shaking up” and I happen to love it. I’m not ready to get married, we have no joint accounts and no kids. I have 2 checking accounts and one savings. He gives me his portion of the bills on the 1st each month. Financially I am the stable one and the more responsible one, so that works for us but it’s not for everyone…

Now Thursday, girl, stop giving this man your money. Put your money in your OWN account and ONLY give him whatever your protion of the bills are. If you two were to split right now, whatever money you have in HIS accounts (vacation, house, utilities) is all his, you won’t get your money back. And also if he’s not willing to step up and help out with your son, you need to go. There are plenty of good men who will step up to the plate. I’m not my father’s daughter but I’ve never wanted for anything and he’s always made sure I’ve had. You and your son deserve better!!

By Deb

November 9, 2006 11:23 AM | Link to this

My husband and I have seperate checking and savings accounts at seperate banks where we had them prior to our marriage. We both have good jobs, we split the bills and the rest of our money we do with however we like. We are extremely close and happy and it works great for us…everyone is different, just do whatever works and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks about it…

By Rod

November 9, 2006 11:29 AM | Link to this

Leslie - thank you for your very polite insult to me (didn’t know you were going to take it so personally - must have really hit a deep-seeded nerve, huh).

Fact: Among divorced couples, many more of those couples had seperate finances and didn’t merge into one united financial view. This is a fact - whether you like it or not, seperate finances either lead to a quicker divorce or is a symptom that a divorce is more likely.

Just stating facts here. If you don’t like facts, to bad - you may (hopefully) be the exception.

By Jay

November 9, 2006 11:31 AM | Link to this

Thursday - is the $300 weekly you hand over to your boyfriend covering yours and your sons share of the mortgage and monthly expenses? If so, what’s the problem?

You aren’t married. Why should your boyfriend put your name on his bank accounts?

And, news flash - your child is not your boyfriends responsibility.

By Richard

November 9, 2006 11:34 AM | Link to this

I’ve got to say, I’ve read Rod and Leslie’s comments and while Rod may have been a bit brash - he’s totally correct.

I’m an attorney and 80% of my business is divorces. I’d say the majority (at least 75-80%) of my clients have separate checking accounts. I don’t know if they got the separate accounts as the marriage started to go south or if they started out that way. But the bottom line is: separate accounts = much higher divorce rate.

By Louise

November 9, 2006 11:37 AM | Link to this

Thursday you do need to wake up. This is not a good example to set for your child. That should be your first priority. You are clearly number two in the relationship and your boyfriend’s money is number one. You hear horror stories about couples where one spouse has all the info on the finances then something happens to them and the widow(er) finds out their life is in financial ruins b/c they were not aware of the situation. That is wrong. It is life shattering and you should explain this to him. You need to stand up for yourself as he is clearly taking advantage and all the control in this relationship. Not judging you by any means, but you could certainly save yourself a lot of heartache if you stood up for yourself.

By Hello?

November 9, 2006 11:40 AM | Link to this

Hey Theresa - isn’t this the MOMania blog? Isn’t it supposed to have child-rearing issues? Try to stick to the topic you’re paid to write about.

By The Gift

November 9, 2006 11:40 AM | Link to this

Thursday, it appears that you are in your late 20’s. I will encourage you to get married as soon as possible.

Cutie B, if you are not ready to get married, WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING TO BE MARRIED? This is what Hollywood has done to the 80’s generation. We want to have what our parents had without hard work and sacrifice.

(Word of Advice to both of you Southern LADIES ) Don’t live with a man who is not willing to commit to marriage. Don’t date a man who is not taking care of his own kids.

IN TODAY’S SOCITEY, Sex, love and childbearing have become a la carte choices rather than a package deal that comes with marriage.

By Momof2boys

November 9, 2006 11:43 AM | Link to this

Thursday - you are an IDIOT and a terrible mother. What are you doing shacking up with some guy that doesn’t care enough about you and your son to want to take care of him should something happen to you? He11, he doesn’t even want to take care of you!! HELLO NEON SIGNS EVERYWHERE

Its a package deal sweatheart. If he can’t take the whole package - you need to kick him to the curb.

When I met my husband, my oldest was two. From day ONE - he knew it was a package deal. No if’s and’s or but’s about it. I was/am head over heals for my hubby but, if he hadn’t 100% embraced my son - I’d have told him without a second thought “Don’t let the door hit You where the Good Lord Split You.”

6 years!! You need a good swift kick in the A$$#.

By What?

November 9, 2006 11:46 AM | Link to this

There are some interesting points here. I will be married next year and we have dabbled in the discussion of finances and whether or not to combine accounts. At first I was nervous about giving up “my” money, but when we get married, it’s “ours”. Neither one of us are frivolous spenders…he actually calls me cheap! lol I still write checks to pay my bills, he pays his online…I WANT him to be the manager in our house, so when we sit down to see what we both make, what bills we both have, what will be left over, combined, I think we both come out richer. We have said we may keep our own savings accounts separate. It remains to be seen what we decide to do, but I’ve seen good points pro and con.

THURSDAY

You should NEVER share an account with ANYONE you are not legally married to. That is an invitation for disaster. He is NOT responsible for your child; HOWEVER, I question why you are with this man if his sole reason for not marrying you is “because he doesn’t want to be responsible for your child”!!!! YOUR CHILD DESERVES BETTER THAN THAT! YOUR CHILD SHOULD BE YOUR FIRST PRIORITY!!! Any man who pursues you, should be a man who loves your child as much as he loves you. That is just my opinion. You need to get a separate account and write him a check for your portion of the bills, ASAP. Unfortunately, the money that is yours, that is tied up in all HIS various accounts…you can kiss goodbye. Foolish, Foolish!!

By DMARIE

November 9, 2006 11:54 AM | Link to this

We have 1 joint account & I have 1 account through my work credit union. We have access to both. My credit union account I have a portion each paycheck deposited into that account & have the mortgage automatically drafted so I don’t have to worry at least about a place to live. We then have an accountant that handles all of our bills. We have tried the you manage or I’ll manage it think & it just put a strain on the marriage, where now neither one of us worries about it. It has actually helped us save too because who wants someone else looking in see overdraft & wasteless spending. The accountant tells us we have $X amount of dollars this week to waste & already includes a set portion for gas & groceries. It has been wonderful.

By Theresa

November 9, 2006 11:58 AM | Link to this

Hey Hello — We hit on marital issues a lot in this blog and I think the relationship of the couple definitely affects the way they parent. So I think marital issues are very relevant to parenting. We also discuss how you run your household and this clearly falls into that realm as well. People may come away from this discussion with ideas about how they can better manage their money or they may come away feeling good about their current system. I think it’s always interesting to hear how people run their homes.

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 11:59 AM | Link to this

Momof2boys, HOW DARE you call Thursday an idiot and a terrible mother. WHEN DID YOU SO MASTER MOTHERHOOD, and ooh, I guess you have arrived. As a mother I EXPECT you to give solid sound advice and not BASH. Its mothers like you that other make other mother refuse to turn to women for advice. And before you respond back to me, I’m a mother of 6 girls and life is not perfect, but we MUST encourage and supoort other mother, we dont need any bad weeds in the garden!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By CutieB

November 9, 2006 12:00 PM | Link to this

The Gift My ideals have nothing to do with Hollywood, that’s fantasy, I live in reality! 50% of ALL marriages end in divorce. I am competely content in my relationship just the way it is. F.Y.I. I live in the south but I’m not southern!! And as I stated before, neither one of us have children. I don’t understand why married people are always trying to push this marriage stuff on single people. Just b/c marriage works for you, doesn’t mean it works for everyone. What I do is my choice and it doesn’t have to work for anyone but me. Have a nice day!

By MrLiberty

November 9, 2006 12:02 PM | Link to this

1 account, 1 couple, 1 marriage, 1 happy household.

If you need a second account just to hide spending from the other, even on gifts, then you really need to think about both how much you are spending, and what exactly you two are doing as a couple.

By CutieB

November 9, 2006 12:04 PM | Link to this

The Gift My ideals have nothing to do with Hollywood, that’s fantasy, I live in reality! 50% of ALL marriages end in divorce. I am competely content in my relationship just the way it is. F.Y.I. I live in the south but I’m not southern!! And as I stated before, neither one of us have children. I don’t understand why married people are always trying to push this marriage stuff on single people. Just b/c marriage works for you, doesn’t mean it works for everyone. What I do is my choice and it doesn’t have to work for anyone but me. Have a nice day!

By Jay

November 9, 2006 12:04 PM | Link to this

Someone enlighten me - my husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have never even had a disgreement about money. I know lots of couple fight over money but I really don’t understand why. What exactly are you fighting about?

Maybe we just look at it very simplistically - bills and savings are paid first, kids priorities come next and - everything else just works out. I could care less what he spends for lunch every week and he doesn’t care how much I spend on my hair or new shoes. If he wants new 62” LCD TV - ok, babe, let’s figure out how to make that happen.

What is all the fighting about?

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 12:06 PM | Link to this

Thursday, here’s my advice to you. I’m a single mother of 6. I just left my husband after going through the same crap you are in. My husband CONTROLLED everything, I couldnt ask him to buy me a cup of water if I wanted to. So with my 394 credit score, I LEFT HIM. Bought a brand new car by God’s grace, found a NICE apartment by God’s grace and found a job AFTER the car and the apartment paying me 6 figures!!!, all by God’s grace. When you get treated like crap, take it to God, step out on faith and he will take care of you. My husband is now unemployed and running around like a chicken with his neck chopped off trying to save the house that is his name. I dealt with that crap for years and now God is taking care of me and my children. In all you do, keep a clean heart and God will take care of you.

By muffin

November 9, 2006 12:08 PM | Link to this

people with separate accounts getting divorced more is entirely coincidental. more couples keep separate accounts these days because more people marry at later ages and have had these accounts for 10 or 15 years already, and more people give up on marriage and decide to divorce these days. DUH. i dont’ live my life by statistics, i live it by what makes me and my spouse happy and since my spouse is awful with money, we have separate accounts and i pay all the bills. he has access to it if he needs it but he has his own account with his own separate money to spend and when he bounces a check, he gets to pay the fees himself. I’ll tell you what will cause a divorce: a couple who have one account and one spouse who can’t manage money and causes financial ruin.

By Momof2boys

November 9, 2006 12:10 PM | Link to this

Angelique, I call it like I see it. If she were a dear girlfriend, I would tell her the same thing.

My concern is with her child who is living with a man for at least 6 years that obviously doesn’t care much about him. A child will be very much aware of this. As a mother of 6, you know this is true. I’m not concerned about bruising her ego, she needs to hear the truth. If you want to dance around it, that’s your choice.

By muffin

November 9, 2006 12:10 PM | Link to this

DMARIE where do you find this accountant and how much does it cost??

By kt

November 9, 2006 12:11 PM | Link to this

Leslie thanks for sharing your credit score with us, what was the point of that?

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 12:11 PM | Link to this

Thursday, I would LOVE to talk to you. Please send me an e-mail to me personally. My e-mail address is Angelique@ICanIamWoman.com

By muffin

November 9, 2006 12:12 PM | Link to this

JAY you’re obviously loaded. Couples who fight about money are usually living paycheck to paycheck. Get some perspective.

By Dennis

November 9, 2006 12:16 PM | Link to this

Muffin - you’re wrong. Separate accounts does lead to more divorces. Shut your mouth about things you don’t know. Oh, I guess you’d always be quiet then.

By Teacher's Kid

November 9, 2006 12:17 PM | Link to this

Thursday—if he hasn’t asked you to marry him after 6 years, he’s not going to. Don’t give him an ultimatum, as it will backfire. A marriage should be based on two people going in willingly, not one person coercing the other into marriage.

If he’s not willing to go on a vacation with you now, he’s not going to ever. He’s smart not to put your name on the accounts because you two are not married and he knows that if your name were on the accounts that if you up and left, he would be the one financially vulnerable. He’s also made it obvious that he does not want to take on the financial responsibility of helping take care of your child. Bottom line: He is using you and and doesn’t have the guts to tell you to your face that it is OVER!

Time to pack your bags and call a lawyer to find out what responsibilities you have and what rights you have regarding the house. In the future, I’d highly recommend NOT buying property with someone unless you are married!

PS. Today’s column is also yet another good reason for premarital financial counseling! If you are dating someone who appears to be irresponsible about money, has no savings whatsoever, has a credit rating that is shot, or wants to have ALL control over the finances (this goes for both genders), RUN!! Marriage will not change them and you could be financially ruined!! Fortunately, you can usually pick up on these clues while you are dating. Remember, once you’ve said the “I Dos” and have signed the paperwork, you are LEGALLY bound to that person. No, it’s not romantic, but neither is divorce court!

By Angerlique

November 9, 2006 12:18 PM | Link to this

Momof2boys, I absolutely agree, I agree with your last comment to me, all I’m saying is dont call her a terrible mother and an idiot!!! We “ALL” stumble at times in our life. I just thing we need to be more encouraging with our words thats all, she’s going through alot right now.

By Thursday

November 9, 2006 12:20 PM | Link to this

Thank you everyone for your replies to my post.
Here’s another situation. My boyfriend won’t help financially with my son, but he disciplines him, etc. He acts like a father to him, but absolutely refuses to have anything to do with the “financial” things. IF my boy wants to play football, I pay. If he has to go to the doctor, I pay. If he needs clothes, I pay, you get the picture. My son slipped and fell this past summer, and required 12 stitches in his head, I paid. I left work (boyfriend was at home, called and told me what happened, and that I needed to take care of him). I had to leave work (no pay), and went and got my child, and took him to the emergency room by myself. We have no insurance (No benefits at my job), again I paid. Therefore I could not give him the $300 that week. One of my girlfriends said I am being mentally abused. I admit I am passive, and truly afraid of making him mad and leaving, or kicking us out of the house. I cannot afford this house or an apartment without him or a roommate. I am a waitress and do not make that much money. Plus, I am in my late 40’s and I don’t think anyone else will want me now. Again, any advice would really be appreciated.

By Jennifer

November 9, 2006 12:22 PM | Link to this

We never kept separate accounts from the day we married almost 10 years ago, and now that I’m a SAHM I’m grateful because we were already in the mindset of “What’s mine is yours” and I don’t think there’s any resentment about him making all the money. I think people have to do what works for them, and for us its using one account.

By The Gift

November 9, 2006 12:22 PM | Link to this

Cutie B, you are correct that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. The main reasons are FINANCES AND COMMUNICATION.

What are you communicating to your boyfriend by living with him without being MARRIED? Soceity always ends up paying for irresponsible choices of shacking up (child support, welfare, etc)NOW THAT’S REALITY!!!!!

2 things I don’t believe in is 1)”SHACKING UP” & 2)PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS” (Concepts made socially acceptable by HOLLYWOOD) 1) Someone always gets burned at the end of the relationship while living together(bad credit, cheating, out of wedlock) 2) YOU SHOULD NOT ENTER A MARRIAGE PREPARING FOR A DIVORCE - This is what you are stating to your mate ” I love you but just in case I fall out of love with you please sign this contract”

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 12:27 PM | Link to this

Thursday, there’s an ole saying that goes like this: “Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free”. Yes, your boyfriend KNOWS he’s taking advantage of you. Its time to either say goodbye or make a concious decision to continue living like that having your son see the example you are setting for him. The message to your son is simply: You are raising him to do the same thing to another woman what your boyfriend is doing to you” Thursday, you are a queen and you deserve better. This blog is not about bank accounts, but character.

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 12:30 PM | Link to this

Thursday, Thursday, honey you are realyy ticking off ALOT of mothers out here. We HATE to see you go through this. OK, DUMP his sorry AZZ, e-mail me PLEASE, read the previous blogs for my e-mail address (ICanIAmWoman)

HE IS USING YOU and that is mental abuse. DUMP HIM, Change the locks on the door, kick him out or just LEAVE!!!!

By Cammi

November 9, 2006 12:35 PM | Link to this

Thursday if you can afford to pay that clown $300/week, you can afford an apartment for yourself and your son. You can certainly find a moderate 2 bedroom apartment for $600-800/month. Stop thinking you can’t live without a man and move on. What is your son going to think about you and women in general if you continue to raise him in this environment?

By The Gift

November 9, 2006 12:35 PM | Link to this

Thursday, I thought you were young and naive by your first statement. You should know better in your LATE 40’s.

Are you getting child support from your son’s father? If no, please go to the courthouse on your off day and file a petition. You are signing away a lot of DOLLARS by letting him off the hook.

I agree with Mom2B. This isn’t the time to be soft. We are offering constructive criticism.

This boyfriend is completely disrespecting you and your child. Your son is going to learn similar traits from your boyfriend if your not careful. I think you need to call his bluff. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANYMORE MONEY UNTIL HE IS WILLING TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE. He won’t leave because he is probably in love with you after 6 years but afraid to commit.

Please draw up a new contract. I know you have long term financial plans. (Save for retirement, College savings for your child) You are financially strapped because he refuses to take care of his “MAN OF THE HOUSE” Responsibilities.

By Rita

November 9, 2006 12:37 PM | Link to this

Did any of you people date before you got married? Did you discuss finances, children, sleeping arrangements, etc? No wonder the divorce stats are so high - most of you went into marriage with the 50% attitude. Separate accounts leads to dishonesty. Separate beds - sounds like you have big issues. You people need to wake up and save your marriages - that is if you really want to!

By armjr1978

November 9, 2006 12:38 PM | Link to this

This is what is wrong with marriages today, when a Man and Woman gets married it is a coming together of not just finances but of souls. When you live your lifes seperate you deprive yourselfs the God givin right of happiness and joy. It does not matter about seperate banking accounts as long as you live together as best friends and as lovers. People remmenber when you get married you become a team.(please share a bedroom those who do not)

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 12:38 PM | Link to this

Thursday, you must first love yourself enough to know that you can be loved and accepted by someone else. You MUST know that you are significant enough and that you were not put on this earth to settle for what you currently have. If you beleive in your heart no-one else will love you, then guess what, no-one else will come along and you will go on living and telling your-self this is all I’m worth, my boyfriend treating me like crap, refusing to marry me and I’m willing to accpet it beacuse, there’s no other choice. YES, life is a choice you must first decide that choice in your mind.

By Ricky

November 9, 2006 12:39 PM | Link to this

Surely Thursday can’t be serious? She can’t be that ignorant on all of this, can she? I think it’s someone just having fun getting people to post stuff.

If she’s real, she can leave her boyfriend and come stay with me as my girlfriend - I could use a maid who helps out on the mortgage like that!

By CutieB

November 9, 2006 12:43 PM | Link to this

The Gift sweetie why are you so moody? Shaking up is not the main reasons for welfare, child support, etc. You sound very bitter and angry.I bet your hands and feet are always cold…lol. But anyway, like I said my situation works for me. I have a very good job, I invest and I also have a trust fund. I communicate to my b/f that I’m 25 and yes I do love him, I’m not ready to be a wife. I’m glad that you are a cheerleader for marriage, that works for you and I don’t judge that. I’ve been married, I’m not in a rush to do it again…

By mother4lyfe

November 9, 2006 12:46 PM | Link to this

No matter what advice we can give to anyone the bottom line is to each is own. What works for someone else may not work for the next person. I use to watch my grandparents whom were married for 56 years sleep in two different bed but in the same room and I always said I would not be that way. My husband and I have been together for 20 years, married for 15 years, lived together for 4 years before marriage. I heard all the comments about he would never marry me because we were living together with two kids. We had joint accounts and now we have separate accounts. The reason being is because it doesn’t matter if you have joint account each is going to spend the way each wants. and it does have an affect on the relationship. Now he pays the mortgage, the car notes, car insurance, life insurance. I pay the house bill and I buy the clothes except for his clothes he do that. We go half on the children school extra curriculum, and grocery. The only time we sleep apart is when one of us is sick to keep the other from getting it. Everyone need to find what works best for them and work with that.

By Kimberly

November 9, 2006 12:47 PM | Link to this

My husband and I have 2 accounts, and BOTH of our names are on BOTH accounts. The 2nd account came about as a self-protection measure when we were having marital problems (which are resolved now, I’m happy to say) but ended up being a life-saver when I was deployed. I added my husband to that 2nd account. That way, all of our money went to the 1st account, for him to pay bills, take care of our son, and have money to spend; the 2nd account had a small amount going to it each pay-day for me to cover expenses while deployed (shampoo, soap, laundry, the occasional Burger King trip, etc.) It has worked out great. As I’m sure I’ll be deployed again, I am keeping both accounts open. Granted, the 2nd account may only have the minimum amount in it to avoid fees, but it will save us LOTS of trouble down the road, and it worked out to the good.

By dm

November 9, 2006 12:49 PM | Link to this

Things sure have gotten testy here. I don’t see any issues with having 3 accounts - joint, and a separate each for our own spending money. Our paychecks get deposited in the joint account and a ‘weekly allowance’ gets transferred to our personal accounts. It’s nice to be able to buy myself lunch or whatever and not worry about what my DH may be debiting that day. We developed our budget together and discuss changes/financial decisions together as needed. The separate accounts just give us financial freedom to run our spending money as we see fit. And we’re definitely NOT getting divorced - lighten up people! There are lots of ways to handle things.

By Sunny

November 9, 2006 12:56 PM | Link to this

Afternoon all. I have a confession. Thursday is for real, she is my best friend. I have know her for close to 25 years now. I was reading today’s blogs, and I saw this one, and told her to get on-line and see if she couldn’t get some advice. I know she is sick and tired of me wailing on her about this situation. I myself am a single parent, living on my own, with my one child. I own my own home, and have a wonderful job, which Thursday does not. She has always been a waitress, and I tried to get her to take some business classes to better herself and her situation. The boyfriend is somewhat good to her, but just is such a jerk when it comes to finances. I have told her for years to get her own account, and give him her share of the bills once a month.
This is driving me crazy, and you all have given her some wonderful advice. I doubt she will ever leave this man. They have been together 13 years. The boy’s father is totally out of the picture and the country. That in itself is a whole ‘nother story… I promise this is true, since she is sitting right next to me watching all this.

By Fulton County Mom

November 9, 2006 12:58 PM | Link to this

OK, time for me to jump in with my Opinion (humble or not).

I was married to someone who checked the account daily…if there was money in it he felt that meant it could be spent…many, many bounced checks later, I closed the account. He then would lie about how much he made or what bill he paid—- that left me more than 5K in debt when he walked out! I had a seperate Savings Account and had $20/check put in it….He found out and told me to close it…..As I said Mr. Control Freak finally left!! (Same guy who never has his child support)

Thursday, I am with the blog…take a long hard look at the relationship. He doesn’t want the kid. He doesn’t want you in his business….Honey you are just a warm body and a roomate. Kick him to the curb.

I had someone who kept telling me “well I never told you to have kids” (this was after the divorce). Guess what, I never told him to ask me out…I have kids if you can’t deal keep walking!

As for finances on the kid, he is on to something. GA law changed last year, if he marries you his income is a factor in whatever financial support you would receive.

By lovelyliz

November 9, 2006 12:58 PM | Link to this

His, Hers and theirs is probably the best way to go these days. The joint account is for bills and other family stuff. The separate accounts are so that they can each spend or not agreed upon amount of money.

The good old days weren’t always good and relationship and the way they are run have to evolve. What worked for my grandparents or even my parents, wouldn’t work for me.

I’ve seen my sister get blamed for bounced checks when it was her husband who took $$$ out at the ATM and forgot about it. They each now have their own accounts.

By GaNative

November 9, 2006 01:00 PM | Link to this

LMAO Ricky, I was about to invite her to come live with my wife and me if she likes donating to accounts where she’s not ont the account. I can’t figure her out either. Maybe the boyfriend has a GOLDEN ROD and he HUMPS LIKE A WILD BULL.

By CutieB

November 9, 2006 01:01 PM | Link to this

Well it’s been nice talking to you all but I have conf calls…everyone take care… Bye The Gift, really nice talking to you!!

Thursday girl your deserve better and you should want better. If it doesn’t suit you, then it’s not for you. Let it go!!! You have to trust that God will take care of you…

By SNY

November 9, 2006 01:04 PM | Link to this

Ricky,

Go away. Now you are an IDIOT! That was totally not called for at all.

Thursday,

As a woman with two kids who has thought about leaving her husband, get a plan together. Start putting money aside so that when you are ready to leave this a$$, you will be ready. You are going to need about $1000-1500 saved up to get an apartment. If you don’t have a car, chose a complex near your job. Who cares as long as it is safe for your child. Start talking to your son and let him know that the things that he is witnessing in your home is incorrect. Call your mortgage comany and see if you can get off of the mortgage, you may need to call a lawyer for that. I know, lawyers cost money, but one may talk to you free of charge to give some advice. Lean on your friends and family. Talk to them, just talking can be extremely helpful. I am so crying while I am typing this because I know that this is hard for you.

I know that you told us that you didn’t want anyone telling you to leave him because you love him, but you have to love yourself and your son first. To HELL with him. It sounds like I love and care for you more than you love yourself and that isn’t right. Please promise that you will start to save and get yourself an exit plan. At least start one. You will be amazed at how easy it is to finish once you start it. I promise, it works.

BTW, in the end, my husband and I worked out our financial troubles and we are happier than ever. I am so glad, I love that man soooo much. But don’t get it twisted, if we could not have fixed the problem, he would be gone.

By 45 Atl Man

November 9, 2006 01:06 PM | Link to this

First of all, Lots of people divorce that have joint checking accounts. Even homes.It does not make you safe to put all of you’re eggs in one basket. In this day of “FREE CHECKING” there is no need to. A checking account does not hold two people together. If you love someone and you’re paying you’re part of the bills then that is commitment.I would not want to be married to anyone that can not take care of there extra bills. If my wife makes more money then me then, yes she should be able to spend the diffence, how she see fit. A new car, a trip , however she fills. After what is consider a fair amount of the bills paid by each party. I feel that a person should be able to buy or save what they have left over. Were all adults. And not to pick on anyone. Why can you save enought money to go to Florida on you’re own ? If he is helping with other bills then that should free up, some of you’re money.

By Jesse's Girl

November 9, 2006 01:12 PM | Link to this

Um…Thursday…..can you tell me ( because I am too lazy to read through everything ) why you are with this goober? From what I can gather, you CAN indeed afford to live on your own. My guess is you just don’t want to. Have you considered what kind of lessons you are teaching your daughter? She is going to grow up with one heck of a complex thanks to you.

By Rita

November 9, 2006 01:14 PM | Link to this

Again - are you people listening to what you are saying? You sound like you were clueless about a lot of things before you said “I Do”. You had to have known your soon-to-be spouse was a loser with money. If stats show that finances are a major cause of divorce then ask the hard money questions BEFORE you get married. You set yourself up for FAILURE. Blogs like this are full of all the “right” people that make all the WRONG mistakes.

By Sunny

November 9, 2006 01:15 PM | Link to this

Thank you all for the “Harsh” reality for Thursday. I hope she “grows a pair” and stands up to the b/f. But I really doubt it, since it has been this way for a very long time. I have offered her and her son to come stay with me, until she can get on her feet.
I hope to God I am never in this situation. I like to believe I am a strong independent woman. I’ve been on my own, raising my child for close to 16 years now (with no child support either). Thanks again bloggers…..we appreciate it.

By Janna

November 9, 2006 01:17 PM | Link to this

Thursday. Leave him. If you are on the mortgage, then sell him your portion of the house and take the equity out and get your own apartment. With what you pay him you can have your own place. He is controlling you. You will be a lot happier without him. We have 3 accounts. His, mine and household. Same small amount goes to the his, and mine for gas and lunches. That way we don’t overspend and we can try and save and see who can spend less.

By Jesse's Girl

November 9, 2006 01:19 PM | Link to this

Sorry Thursday….do you have a son or a daughter? Either way….it is still going to turn out very badly.

By Momof2boys

November 9, 2006 01:28 PM | Link to this

Thursday, my first post was harsh and to the point. Intentionally. Dear, you need a wake up call.

If you don’t like the situation, only you can change it. That doesn’t mean pretending you can change him. You can’t.

Love yourself, love your son. You deserve better. Your son deserves better.

You don’t think another man will want you. Please…men are a dime a dozen. (no offense guys) But, most importantly, stop thinking you need a man. A man should be in your life because you want him, not because you need him.

You need to separate yourself from the situation. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. All of the advice above about saving is good. Sell him your share of the house and move on.

By Fulton County Mom

November 9, 2006 01:34 PM | Link to this

Thursday, Have no idea what you make but if its less than 25K you probably qualify for benefits through the state. It might be a place to look.

Bottom line either decide to quit *&^% about the situation to Sunny or anyone else and accept the bed you made OR (this would be my choice)…realize that their are worse things in life than being single!

Take your son, get an apartment, their are scholarships available for after school care. You can do it no matter how hard it was….5K in debt when he left with NO MONEY in the checking account (he took when he walked) and $80 in my savings……Several years later, I have a nice apartment, good schools, great job, nice car. OK, so no man in my life, as I said there are worse things than being single (oh and that 5K is paid off too!)

Sunny, thanks for the insight! 13 years with this guy 6 living with him….how old is the kid? He was either “known” when the relationship started or “we were on a break!” . Either way the b/f knew.

By Deborah Lee

November 9, 2006 01:35 PM | Link to this

What is your problem with separate bedrooms? My husband and I do everything together, yes we have sex, and we are best friends. He would and does everything for me. I like being able to get up in the middle of the night and read or watch TV or surf the net or talk on the phone. I am a night owl. Why should I change for him? When we were young my husband worked second and third shifts, I worked during the day. This is not so unusual. We may have slept in the same bed but not together. Mind your own business. If you have a problem with that you must be a Republican.

By Sunny

November 9, 2006 01:36 PM | Link to this

Thursday’s son is 15. I know part of the boyfriend’s behavior is rubbing off on him, as I have seen how the boy treats girls his age. He was with a wonderful young lady for well over a year, and were really good together, then he suddenly dumped her for another girl, three days before Homecoming at their high school. Broke the first girl’s heart.

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 01:48 PM | Link to this

Deborah Lee, hold on, I hear crickets.

Hold on, I hear crickets.

Still the sound of crickets.

Republican, what does that have to do with this BLOG!!!!!!

By muffin

November 9, 2006 01:52 PM | Link to this

Dennis, shut up you don’t know my my marriage or anyone else’s on here who posts. almost all my friends who married in their 30’s kept their old accounts and then got a joint one. What works for some does not work for others but for me and my husband it has worked for 10 years. We don’t have a single divorce in my ENTIRE FAMILY. so YOU shut up about things of which YOU have no knowledge. Get with the 21st century, pal. Times change.

By Peachy

November 9, 2006 01:54 PM | Link to this

In the State of Georgia, you have the right of survivorship. This Means if your account is titled as (Person One) Or (Person Two), its assets cannot be frozen if one person dies.

I work at a major bank in the area. If you’re concerned about frozen assets, look into Payable on Death clauses, Durable Power of Attorney, or consult a lawyer about a family or individual trust.

We have 2 accounts and I love it! Been married 2 years, just diverged our cash and I’ll never go back to just one account. One pays the bills, the other is for fun stuff!

By Fulton County Mom

November 9, 2006 01:55 PM | Link to this

I don’t care for my Ex-IL (previous column)…but I will say this. I have an Ex-BIL that was dating my Ex-SIL from the time her son was 18 months until they eventually got married (son was 7). I have never seen Ex-BIL treat that child as anything different than a son, they sent him to private school, they paid for therapist, camps, sports, whatever.

I have a cousin who’s husband abused her, and unfortunately their son turned out just like the dad….

By Rita

November 9, 2006 01:57 PM | Link to this

Deborah Lee - I believe you are the one with the problem. And NO, those of us that think separate beds is strange are Realists. Get real - there is no reason for separate beds in a marriage unless the other person is contagious (sick). Someone is either cheating or just very selfish. A “marriage” like this is NOT NORMAL. Normal in a marriage is: He doesn’t put the toilet lid up/down; She takes to long to get “ready”; or WE can’t decide if it’s Mexican or Chinese for dinner. SEPARATE BEDS MEANS SEPARATE LIVES - SOMEWHERE IN YOUR “MARRIAGE”.

By muffin

November 9, 2006 01:58 PM | Link to this

it was my understanding this blog was to state if and why you have separate bank accounts not to judge and ridicule people for the way they live their lives. what works for some works for others, divorce rate or not, separate bedrooms or not, separate money or not. if you’re happy, stick with what you’re doing. except for Thursday of course. She needs to hightail it out of there and get some self-esteem. There is life, marriage and happiness after 40.

By Cletus Snow

November 9, 2006 02:01 PM | Link to this

At one time we had separate accounts, when we moved back to GA we opened a joint account, and its been that way 21 years I don’t think its ever been a problem.

By sunny

November 9, 2006 02:01 PM | Link to this

momof2 If men are a dime a dozen, why is it I cannot find a decent one? Where are all the decent single men in their late 40’s. I cannot seem to find them, however when I do, they seem to be going through the mid life crisis and want a 20 year old. I have a lot to offer, but just cannot find anyone to offer it too. Could be my standards are too high. Like I said before, strong, independent single parent. I think some men are intimidated by that. I’m not ugly, but not Miss America either. I have a great life, wonderful job, beautiful child. Just wanting a companion….. Where are ya’ll?????

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 02:05 PM | Link to this

Rita, thanks for spelling it out. If you sleep in seperate beds, one has either cheat oe is jus plain selfish!!!!!!!!!!!

By KimT

November 9, 2006 02:08 PM | Link to this

Ok, so here’s an IMPORTANT question to all my bloggers.

IF YOUR HUSBAND SLEEPS IN ANOTHER ROOM FOR THE LAST 2 YEARS AND IN THOSE 2 YEARS YOU HAVE ONLY BEEN INTIMATE 5 TIMES, IS HE CHEATING OR JUST PLAIN SELFISH. MIND YOU HE STILL CHOOSE TO SLEEP IN SEPERATE ROOMS AND THE HUSBAND AND WIFE DONT COMMUNICATE, DONT DATE, NOTHING!!!! AND YES THE WIFE FIND OTHER WOMEN NUMBERS.

By KimT

November 9, 2006 02:11 PM | Link to this

Another thing, my husband also have NEVER bough me anything, but is quick to buy gifts for other people. So once again, is he cheating but just plain selfish.

By sunny

November 9, 2006 02:23 PM | Link to this

KimT You need to take the advice others are giving Thursday, and get out. He is obviously having “affairs”. Since he doesn’t buy you anything, but buys stuff for others……HHHHMMMMM,,,,,,NEON SIGNS ARE BLAZING (as a poster said earlier) maybe it’s time to file for divorce and move on. Or settle for a roommate situation with hubby…..

By Denise

November 9, 2006 02:24 PM | Link to this

Hey muffin - what a pompous, self-rightous load of crap your 1:58 post was!

You stated: “it was my understanding this blog was to state if and why you have separate bank accounts not to judge and ridicule people for the way they live their lives.”

THEN, you judged Thursday and told her exactly what to do. God complex, maybe?

By What?

November 9, 2006 02:25 PM | Link to this

KimT

I think you answered your own question, a HUSBAND should NOT be collecting other women’s numbers, period.

I can understand the sleeping in separate beds for some couples, but KimT, if you have only been intimate 5 times in 2 years, either he has sexual issues with you, or his needs are being met somewhere else…I don’t know what to tell you hon.

By Bruthaman

November 9, 2006 02:42 PM | Link to this

Thursday Simple solution, open your own accounts, and write your boyfriend a check for the household expenses. You are more than cable of saving your own money as well. If he has a problem with that then tough luck, he can either add you to his accounts or take a check, the choice is his. Its time that you take back control of your own finances, because despite the fact that you guys have bought a house together, you are NOT married and the relationship could end at any moment. SO you need to be prepared for the sake of you and your child. MAN UP and take back control.

By TC

November 9, 2006 02:47 PM | Link to this

Thursday, Since going out on your own does not seem like an option you would like to act on, there is plan B. I could set you up fairly quickly making over 6 figures a year and then you go open YOUR own account and see if it’s kosher with him. I bet he’ll even want to marry you then huh? This is not a gimmick, this is for real. I was married since 15 to a man for 20 years and never ever once got taken out to dinner let alone a vacation. I left him walking with 5 bucks in my pocket. I did meet a wonderful guy shortly after leaving who adores my 2 girls as much as he loves me. Also, I chose to live with him instead of marrying for over 5 years until I knew I was ready again, so there is NOT anything wrong with living like husband and wife while unmarried but I do find it unsettling about his relationship with your child. Our love is the same now that we’re married as it was when we were as some call it “shacking up”. Plus we had not 1, but 2 mortgages with both of our names on them. It’s a 50/50 deal whether he leaves you or not. One would have to pay the other one off to keep the house, simple as that.

By Jack

November 9, 2006 02:54 PM | Link to this

We have 3 joint checking accounts: “his”, “mine”, and “ours”. We each contribute our share of the expenses into the “house” account to pay all the joint bills. The rest we keep in our own accounts to pay our own bills (e.g. our own car paymnents or credit cards), or spend as we see fit. Since all of our joint bills get paid first, in 18 years we have never fought about money!

By TC

November 9, 2006 02:56 PM | Link to this

SNY if she wanted off the mortgage all she would have to do it a quit claim deed but why would she want to? I’m sure there’s equity involved and she is entitled to 1/2 of every bit of it. It doesn’t sound like she wants to leave anyway so all the kick his azz to the curb comments are flying out the window. What she needs is a solution to her current situation and that sounds like finances to me. If she’s making more than him, she would have initiative to follow her instincts and that would drive her confidence and her future plus put the jerk in line as far as finances are concerned.

By GaNative

November 9, 2006 02:57 PM | Link to this

LMAO Sunny at Men in their 40’s going thru midlife crisis and wanting a 20 year old. My oldest daughter is 30 so I just couldn’t sleep with anyone near her age. About all I could do with a 20 year old is BURP HER.

Kim, sounds like he has an OFFICE HONEY. Ask him about the other ladies numbers. If he tells you he collects them to play LOTTO, HE’S CHEATING.

By sunny

November 9, 2006 03:02 PM | Link to this

TC I want in on the six figures…..I’m a struggling single parent……….do tell……as long as I don’t have to sell my body or body parts.

By Leslie

November 9, 2006 03:07 PM | Link to this

Richard, if you have not done scientific research regarding sep. bank accounts and divorce then you can noy make the statement that they result in higher divorce rates. You said yourself that you don’t know when those couples got their sep. accounts. We own a home together and have a savings account together therefore we have mingled our finances. My parents had a joint account fo 20 years and then switched to sep. accounts. That was 35 years ago and they are still married. So until you have stats on how many people who are STILL married have joint accounts, then your statement is grounded in nothing.

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 03:08 PM | Link to this

GaNative, I’m so proud of you. Unfortunately not all men look at younger women that way.

By TC

November 9, 2006 03:14 PM | Link to this

Sunny, LOL you won’t have to sell your body. It would just take two weekends in a row for your classes and taking a state test for your license. Email me at miketamara@bellsouth.net and i’ll give you all the info to get you started. I’m not a recruiter by any means, in fact I work a full time job and just started this as a part time/extra money thing but it looks like I may be quitting my full time job soon.

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 03:18 PM | Link to this

TC, does this have anything to do with reals estate?

By sunny

November 9, 2006 03:24 PM | Link to this

TC got it, you will hear from me tonight. Is it legit? Pyramid? Amway? ha ha …….

By Jasmine

November 9, 2006 03:27 PM | Link to this

If you are a second wife, you better keep separate accounts so the greedy ex-wife won’t try to get more money because your funds have been co-mingled with you husband’s funds.

By Jasmine

November 9, 2006 03:38 PM | Link to this

And by the way, if a parent is divorced, then they are “divorced” parents. If the parents were never married, then they are “single” parents.

By Momof2boys

November 9, 2006 03:39 PM | Link to this

Sunny - don’t lower your standards!! He’s out there and you’ll run into him when you least expect it! The bad news - I “hear” there are more single women in ATL than men but..they are out there.

..you made me laugh though…

By Jasmine

November 9, 2006 03:44 PM | Link to this

Fulton County Mom stated GA law changed last year, if he marries you his income is a factor in whatever financial support you would receive.

You have it wrong…the income of stepparents is not factored in the amount of child support. Only legal parents are responsible for the support of their children. Anyway, the stepparent supports the children indirectly.

By Sunny

November 9, 2006 03:45 PM | Link to this

Jasmine VERY GOOD ADVICE!!!!

However, my situation was a little different. I was a second wife, and the first wife wanted more child support, since there were two of us, and one of her. We worked with her, and instead of paying more “support” to the first wife, we paid for extra expenses for their child. For example, we always bought all the child’s clothes, contibuted to the grocery bill, and basically what ever we could. And when his ex needed to work overtime, we kept the child. I remember one summer she was with us the entire summer. Then once school started, we still continued to help out with things. The child had her own room in our home, with her own clothes, toys, etc. She never had to carry a suitcase going back and forth between the two homes. I always felt good about that, since I am a softie for kids, and in the end I became very good friends with the first ex-wife when I became the second ex-wife.
The little girl is now 24 years old, and she is a very happy girl and sees her divorced parents get along so well. I am still see her once in a while, and I divorced her father 13 years ago!!!!!

By Sunny

November 9, 2006 03:50 PM | Link to this

The child support tables are changing in January. The courts will now consider income for BOTH parents, not just the non-custodial parent.

By TC

November 9, 2006 03:54 PM | Link to this

Angelique, nothing to do with real estate and it’s as legal as they come.

By Jay

November 9, 2006 03:54 PM | Link to this

muffin, what would being “loaded” have to do with it? Did my post sound arrogant somehow? If so, I didn’t mean it to, I was just trying to state that I don’t really understand why its such an issue for so many people. It seems pretty clear to me. Maybe we are just lucky that we see eye to eye on finances. Its never been an issue for us.

Having accounts without the other spouse’s name on them seems odd to me, but that’s just me…whatever works for you.

Same goes for the bed issue. I don’t care what else goes on in your bedroom either (as long as its between consenting adults) so what difference does it make to me where you choose to sleep? — It wouldn’t work for me but to each his own.

By Mydnight

November 9, 2006 03:58 PM | Link to this

My husband and I have a joint account that pays all the bills. We then have two additional and separate accounts - one for me and one for him. Every paycheck, we move $200 from the ‘main’ account into each of these ‘separate’ accounts. This money ends up being purely for our own purchases and fun money - if he buys a video game with his account, more power to him. And he no longer moans about the $40 dollar sushi habit I have. If anything, it has stopped alot of fighting!

By Jasmine

November 9, 2006 04:00 PM | Link to this

Sunny, interesting! I wish more first ex-wives wouldn’t view second wives as the enemy. Did you have any children? If not, that may be why you two are good friends.

By Jasmine

November 9, 2006 04:02 PM | Link to this

Yes, the child support guidelines are changing and if anyone is a stay at home mom or under-employed, your income will be imputed. I think it is good for both incomes to be considered. Now, you often have women in a marriage who make just as much or more than their husbands. Both parents should be financially responsible for the children.

By Jesse's Girl

November 9, 2006 04:10 PM | Link to this

Hey TC…do tell darlin’. I would love to add some extra cash to the college fund/wedding fund/retirement stash.

By Fulton County Mom

November 9, 2006 04:11 PM | Link to this

The new laws will look at several factors: Both biological parental incomes Any children either parent has in their household that belongs to a differing spouse Any income received from other Child Support Orders Any income that contributes to the household due to re-marriage Any other children as result of re-marriage that need to be supported

Thus, b/f income should he ever become husband would infact be factored. Additionally, a good attorney could probably show that since he has been with this woman for 13 years, 6 in the home, that he should they depart, he has in fact some responsiblity to continue to financial support the child. Especially since all the income/bills come from HIS account. How do either of you prove who paid for the kids expenses?

By TC

November 9, 2006 04:14 PM | Link to this

Jasmine, you got that right! I was paying my ex hubby over 700 a month and was anxious for that house bill to pass. Now one child lives with me and one with him so it won’t have any bearing on me at this point, but I think it’s a law that should have been passed YEARS ago. He took in all that money I gave him for over 5 years and was not spending it solely on the girls. Not to mention he didn’t have to claim it as income, he got both tax deductions on the children and I couldn’t deduct 1 cent of what I gave him. (I still think that law needs some cleaning up with IRS too).

By kt

November 9, 2006 04:29 PM | Link to this

TC, I need that too, can I email you?!

By Jasmine

November 9, 2006 04:29 PM | Link to this

Fulton County Mom, Yes, many factors will be included in the income. However, a Nonparent Custodians Gross Income is “excluded” from the calculation of child support, thus a stepparent’s income is not used.

You are giving her wrong advice. If a stepparent or the live-in didn’t adopt the child, they can’t be held financially responsible for the child.

By Wisdom

November 9, 2006 04:31 PM | Link to this

Before I’d marry anybody I’d get: (1) Comprehensive health check-up. Find out what you’re dealing with (2) Credit Report from each of the three credit bureas. Find out what you’re dealing with (3) Bank/investment statements. They should have savings appropriate to their age and career.

If they object to providing this information (and I’m talking about when the relationship is VERY serious, not just causual dating) RUN. Something is wrong if they won’t ‘show you theirs’ on paper.

By Jasmine

November 9, 2006 04:34 PM | Link to this

TC, I hear you! The laws should be fair so that neither parent profits financially from having the child. All child support received should be used “for the children” only. I truly believe there should be a check and balance system in place. We work hard to ensure non-custodial parents pay their child support but we don’t work as hard to ensure the child support is “fair” or if the custodial parent is actually using the money “for the children”.

By TC

November 9, 2006 04:38 PM | Link to this

Jasmine is right! KC sure, send me an email. & Jessee your too funny…OK if your nice I’ll let you in on it too :)

By Jasmine

November 9, 2006 04:45 PM | Link to this

Thursday settles because she just wants a male in her life. She is insecure and feels she doesn’t deserve better. I agree with what will happen…he will find someone who is on the same financial level as he is, without children, leave Thursday and marry his dream girl.

By Jay

November 9, 2006 04:48 PM | Link to this

Jasmine, how would you propose proving the custodial parent is using the money for the children? I’m not saying its a bad idea…just wondering how it would work.

By Angelique

November 9, 2006 04:55 PM | Link to this

Jay, thats simple. Its called SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS. Everything should add up.

By Jasmine

November 9, 2006 05:04 PM | Link to this

Jay, a good start would be to ask for submittal of receipts for child care, educational needs, medical expenses not covered by insurance… Most of the time, the non-custodial parent is given responsibility by the courts to cover the medical insurance.

The housing costs for children is based on the extra bedroom(s) the parent would need for the children’s housing. For example, if there is one child, the parent has to provide a bedroom for the child. If the rent for a one bedroom is $700 and the rent for a two bedroom $850, the cost needed for that child is the difference which is $150, not the entire cost of housing.

By Jasmine

November 9, 2006 05:06 PM | Link to this

Thursday, until you love yourself enough, no, until you love your son enough to want a better life, you will be stuck in your present situation.

By Sunny

November 9, 2006 05:23 PM | Link to this

Hey all, today was a great posting day. Thanks again for “helping” Thursday…I doubt things will change. I’ve trying to tell her for YEARS..
Ya’ll have a great evening.

By Debora

November 9, 2006 05:24 PM | Link to this

THURSDAY - You are making so many financailly unsound decisions! 1 - If he will not put you on the accounts, refuse to contribute. 2 - Big deal, you are on the mortgage ARE YOU ON THE WARRANTY DEED? The mortgage only means you owe money. The deed means you own a part of the house. If you are on the mortgage but not on the deed and broke up, he could sue you and you would have to pay 1/2 the remaining mortage payments until completion and you would not have any vested interest in the house.

By Jay

November 9, 2006 05:31 PM | Link to this

Angelique, that’s not simple that’s incredibly complicated. Child support is not only used for the childs clothes and medical, food etc its supposed to cover electric, gas, housing, transportation, child care, etc etc etc.

How do you handle groceries? Highlight all the childs items? Divide the package of 4 hamburger patties by 4 because Tommy ate one and then divide that in half again because Mommy should have to cover half the cost of the hamburger and Daddy should pay for the other half? You’d need an account just to keep up. How do you divide up the box of Mac & Cheese?

Then you’d have parents arguing about, well you need to find a cheaper apartment because I don’t want to contribute that much for Tommy’s room…it would be never ending.

Jasmine, your statements make a little more sense, but its not that easy either. What about the costs for the common areas? The bathroom, kitchen etc. The child uses them so, they need to be included as well if you really want to make things fair.

I know what you are trying to achieve but personally I think its over the top and impractical.

If I tried to give my ex receipts, he’d laugh and say “What! Are you nuts!”

And, I’ve been on the other side too, paying child support on my husbands 2 children from his previous marriage. I wouldn’t have wanted her receipts either. Here’s the money. Use it where its needed. Keep the children housed, clean, fed and clothed properly. Let us know if they need something else (winter coats, bikes, etc.).

By Motherof3

November 9, 2006 05:32 PM | Link to this

Thursday-You need to wake up. It is bad enough that apparently he is not accepting of “the package deal.” I was in a similar situation and it ended up going nowhere. Luckily, I was smart enough to stop giving him any money. Everything was in his name, and I constantly tried to get him to commit (marriage-and we had a child together). If you know you are ready for a marriage then that is what you need to go after and not settle for less. You should not have to wait that long for someone to marry you anyways. Do it for your child- not for yourself. This is one of the sacrafices that we must make when we become parents, we must make decisions that are best for the child/children. I’m sure you do not want your child growing up being the way he is-selfish. If you decide to stay then at least be smart about it and do what you need to do to set you and your child up. Get your own account, save your own money but still give him what you need to give him on the bills. Because regardless of whether you are there are somewhere else you will still be required to pay bills. As one of the bloggers said, “there are NEON lights flashing eveywhere” (something like that) and I am sure they did not just start, I’m sure you have been feeling this way for sometime now. It is too bad that you have accepted this for the length of time you have. The live-in relationship I was in was over within two years because once I realized he had lied about us moving to the next level (marriage), I begin to do things differently. Like, not allowing him to have his cake and eat it-as he said to me. And, in the end I am glad I did. Life is too short.

By Jasmine

November 9, 2006 05:43 PM | Link to this

Jay, For the parents who do the right thing, proving they are using the child support is obvious. However, there are those that are blantantly not using the child support for the children. Electricity, groceries…the additional cost of heating the extra bedroom(s), and additional grocery cost. The child(ren) may use the common areas, bathrooms, etc. but it doesn’t cost any more for them to use those area. If a person is single, they most likely would use the common areas anyway. The cost of gas would be the additional expense to travel to take them to and from school.

By Jay

November 9, 2006 06:33 PM | Link to this

Can’t disagree with you Jasmine, we all know the child support gets abused far to often! Such a pity….

and hard for me to comprehend…the kids come first, period, end of story. Makes me want to knock some heads together sometimes!

By Fulton County Mom

November 10, 2006 06:16 AM | Link to this

Jamine,

My inforamtion is from a source that I have been paying to protect my children’s interest. Their attorney.

However, I will agree that for every Mom like me (one that would be happy to provide receipts and show that every dime goes on the children) there probably some who do see it as “their money”.

Just the same for every Dad who willing pays half the costs, would agree to pay for extras (dance lessons, music lessons, church retreats) their are some like my ex who would rather tell me he doesn’t owe his children anything. While we were in the divorce proceedings, he refused to pay his child support at all, claimed he was paying the bills (gas, phone, etc) so he shouldn’t have to pay child support, fortunately I had the delinquency notices to show he lied.

There are no easy answers when it comes to children. NONE.

By Jenn

November 10, 2006 08:55 AM | Link to this

Guys, this is soooo off subject, but I need some advice. My 2 1/2 year old daughter sucks her fingers and rubs her hair. I don’t mind the finger sucking so much, but she twists her hair so much that it gets into a knot, and I have to undo it. It’s getting so bad that the side that she twists is shorter than the other side of her hair and is starting to get frized. I don’t want her to get a bald spot. Any advice on this???? Thanks. Sorry Theresa, don’t mean to get off subject. :-)

By past50mom

November 10, 2006 09:13 AM | Link to this

Jenn, Go to the hairdresser and both of you get a special haircut, SHORT, and problem solved.

By Red

November 10, 2006 09:17 AM | Link to this

To all (including the lawyer) - three checking accounts with direct deposit is the way to go. Each of us gets an equal amount in our personal accounts and the remainder goes into a joint account. The joint account pays for household expenses, including mortgage, child support, children’s clothing & supplies, food, gasoline and car repairs. Our personal accounts pay for our own clothes and things we choose to buy. For example, my hubby likes to eat out at lunch on work days - he pays for that. On the other hand, I don’t eat lunch out, but I do have a thing for lotions, perfumes, make-up, ear rings, etc. Another example - he likes to make modifications to his car that aren’t regular maintenance or repairs. I like to make donations to lots of charities. We spend our personal money the way we choose, without having to worry about what the other one thinks. Oh, don’t worry about us hiding anything - he can see my checkbook anytime and he leaves his credit card statements laying around all the time. It works and quite well. A lot of couples do the same thing with one account, but give each other a set amount of cash each week.

By L Gardner

November 10, 2006 09:40 AM | Link to this

Actually, Georgia is a “right of survivorship” state which means if there is a joint account, the state cannot hold those funds. A joint checking account assets wouldn’t be frozen after the death of one of the signers. My husband and I have our own accounts, but we both sign on each other’s account. I pay all bills from my account and I simply debit his account for whatever is needed for those bills. It seems to keep everything flowing better than trying to do that from one account. Plus, he doesn’t have to feel like he has to report every penny he spends to me.

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 10:11 AM | Link to this

Fulton County Mom, Some states have statutes that state the income of the spouse or live-in can be taken into consideration if the income reduces the custodial parent’s household expenses or enables the custodial parent to stop working. They also have statutes that consider the income of the non-custodial parent’s spouse. However, Georgia doesn’t have such statutes on the books. Some parents want to tap into the income of the stepparents and that is not fair. This is just another reason there is so much animosity in the child support battle.

By Kash

November 10, 2006 10:14 AM | Link to this

We were young when we got married, so neither of us brought any assets into the marriage. We converted my account to a joint account and closed my husband’s. We keep everything in one central ‘pot.’

Eventually, we’ll probably open separate accounts as well, but that’s because both of us have fledgling part time businesses, and we’ll need to keep that money ‘separate’ somewhat.

By By Me

November 10, 2006 10:16 AM | Link to this

To all women:

You have to have a personal account and some savings in it. I call it “just in case of a divorce account”. I started it when my friend was going through a divorce. That family had only joint accounts. She was stay at home mom and her husband was making a lot of (and i mean a lot of) money. Her husband was a very generous guy and was supporting her (paying for a separate appartment and all expenses during separation)until one day they got into disagreement and he: took her name of all credit card accounts, emptied all joint bank account and stoped giving money. She had to live without any income with 2 children for 1 year until divorce became final. Thanks God she had parents that could afford to support her.

For me it was a good lesson. I know many of you will point that you have to trust your husband and live with one joint account, but for me this is not an option. People change. Things change. What a good husband/father one year may not be the same good father/husband another year. My friend had a happy marriage for 20 years, but one day things changed. And i want to be prepared financially if the same happens to me.

That said, we have 3 accounts: our, his and hers. After each paycheck we put a fixed amount of money in mine and his account for our personal spending. I also choose to save a part of my own spending money while he spends all of his. Our account pays for all bills plus part of it goes to a joint savings account.

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 10:50 AM | Link to this

By Me, you talk about having a secret just in case of divorce account. Now, how would you feel if your husband had one?

By By me

November 10, 2006 11:16 AM | Link to this

I would feel just fine. We both get the same amount of our spending money every paycheck. If he chooses to spend it all and i choose it to save 50% of it, i do not see a problem here. All money in my persoal saving acount are comming from my spending money. I do not see it as a secret account since we both are given the same amount of money every month.

If my husband chooses to save 100% of his spending money, it is up to him.

By the way, what would you do if your husband left you and your kids with nothing?

By lmm

November 10, 2006 01:20 PM | Link to this

As the custodial parent of a 12 year daughter and receiving only $500/mo in child support since she was the age of 3, I think that it would be absolutely ridiculous to ask me to provide receipts for everything I spend the child support on.

In order for the custodial parent to adequately provide that information you would have to take the following into account: 1. The portion of the rent/mortgage the child uses, 2. The portion of the overall utilities such as water for their baths/showers and clothes washing the child uses (because, face it, you use more when there are more people in the house) , 3. The portion of the food, whether groceries and eating outthe child uses as one person so eloquently described earlier on this blog, 4. The portion of the toiletries the child uses, 5. Clothing and shoes, 6. Gifts bought on the childs behalf for birthdays, holidays, etc., for family and friends including the non-custodial’s family and friends. In my case, I also buy gifts for the step-mom, step-kids and extended family because my child also wants to give something to them, 7. Parties and entertainment for the child, 8. Toys for the child, 9. School supplies, 10. Extra-curricular activities, 11. Curricular activities that require special equipment or fees, 12. Childcare and babysitters, 13. Allowance, 13. And the list goes on…

In order to provide this information to the non-custodial parent, you would have to open all your finances up to the scrutiny of the non-custodial parent but they wouldn’t have to do the same. Which in my opinion is NONE of their business. If the child is taken care of, then there is no reason to question where the money is going.

I did the above calculation and came up with the cost of raising my child as approximately $1200 to $1300 a month, and I’m sure I’m forgetting something. As you can see, the $500 doesn’t cover very much. On top of this, when my child is with my ex, he thinks I should be responsible for all her needs when she is there. Of course, I make sure she isn’t without because she doesn’t need to suffer when she is away from me. But, now I find out he is trying to find out what I earn. I keep asking myself, why? I think he wants to take me back to court to get the support payments dropped even lower because his wife thinks he should have to pay me anything now that he has her, her daughter and his child with her.

By lmm

November 10, 2006 01:32 PM | Link to this

I meant to say in the last sentence of my previous post is: “…his wife thinks he should NOT have to pay me anything now that he is with her, her daughter and his child with her.”

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 01:55 PM | Link to this

By me, I am able to take care of myself and I would only expect him to cover half of the children’s expenses and I the other half. I would have joint legal and physical custody because if we divorced, it would be the two of us divorcing. We are not divorcing the children. \

lmmm, The courts scrutinize the affairs of the non-custodial parent so why shouldn’t they scrutinize both parents? That is only fair. According to the current guidelines, the child support your daughter receives should be based on 17-23% of his gross income. When your child is with her father, he should be responsible for her needs.

The reason he is trying to find out what you earn is because the child support guidelines are changing in January 2007. The income of the custodial parent will be used in the calculation of the child support.

By TC

November 10, 2006 02:09 PM | Link to this

lmm, if his income has not changed and a new child came into the picture (his child) then he can take you back to court & not only have it lowered but can also request 1/2 legal fees. I know it happened to me! I was paying 500 a mth. and he found out I was making more money, took me back to court & my support got raised to 700 plus 750 to HIS lawyer and my lawyer fees. They can do this every 2 years.

By TC

November 10, 2006 02:11 PM | Link to this

oh yeah, you can get all the new info by typing in georgia house bill 226.

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 02:22 PM | Link to this

I think family court is a big money maker for attorneys, guardian ad litems, pschiatrists, etc. They work to create and continue animosity between divorced couples.

By lmm

November 10, 2006 02:30 PM | Link to this

Jasmine, The new 2007 GA law doesn’t affect us because our divorce was finalized in Alabama where both incomes were taken into account in 1999. We separated in 1998, prior to the divorce, and I moved to Georgia due to a job change.

I don’t have a problem with the court scrutinizing my finances, which they did without revealing details to my ex, and requesting receipts, which they didn’t. I do have a problem with my ex scrutinizing every detail of my finances and requesting receipts. There is a difference. If he wants to know my income, he won’t find it out from me or my daughter (whom he was pressuring to ask me). He will have to take me to court. He won’t win because I’ve already done the math based on Alabama law - he is paying too little now. If we were earning exactly the same amount (I used an amount below both of our 1999 incomes just to see) he should be paying at least $700.

I would take him to court myself but it would cause undue heartache for my daughter because the ex and step-mom would unload on her. I know this, because anytime I disagree with them over something pertaining to her, they unload on her now. I have to look out for what is best for her, and right now taking him to court to fight over $200 more a month wouldn’t be good for her. Besides, I am providing for her just fine with what the state takes out of his paycheck for child support and what I earn. BTW, having the money taken from his paycheck was the best idea ever!

Try telling him that it is his responsibility to pay for her needs when she is with him. Get this: he wanted me to pay for my daughter to go to Disneyland with him and the step-family - tickets and food, the room and car would be paid for! I had to buy blinds for her room in their house because they wouldn’t and my daughter was uncomfortable with out them! When I pointed this out to them, they said why don’t I buy blinds for the rest of the house too, and put up a privacy fence!

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 02:30 PM | Link to this

www.legis.ga.gov/legis/GaCode/data/19-6-15.htm

By lmm

November 10, 2006 02:37 PM | Link to this

TC, I would be very surprised if his income didn’t change in the 9 years since the divorce especially since he is still with the same company he was with when we divorced. I don’t believe anyone would stay with the same company for that amount of time and not get a raise. Also, based on the cars and house he now has, he definitely has moved up the pay scale &/or is in debt up to his eyeballs. Which is probably the case since he was a poor money manager when we were married - leopards do not change their spots at least not easily.

The amount of child support he pays has remained the same during that period of time.

By TC

November 10, 2006 02:46 PM | Link to this

Boy did you get that right Jasmine. Georgia law says at 14 a child can choose which parent they wish to reside with but guess what? You have to have a lawyer. 6 months after him taking me back to court my daughter turned 14 & wanted to be with me. Bam…back in court & more legal fees. We have been divorced almost 7 yrs & i’m still paying that greedy lawyer (oh i better not get started on divorce lawyers). We were just a middle income household without an extreme amount of assets & combined we had over 20k in legal fees to date…will it ever end?

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 02:53 PM | Link to this

lmmm, that is ridiculous! They should not put your daughter through an emotional rollercoaster. As far as the blinds, you should’ve gone to Home Depot to pick up two or three pairs of the temporary blinds that stick. One on top of the other for thickness. The Disneyland trip is completely on him. That is really being petty!

By TC

November 10, 2006 02:56 PM | Link to this

lmm, that’s probably true but they will factor in the new child as well as rising health cost for his family which everyone knows is a big thing these days. I can’t believe he wanted you to pay to take her on vacation..eyes rolling.

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 03:00 PM | Link to this

TC, I have some friends who are middle class and spent $100,000 in court to get joint legal and joint physical custody. She has their daughter one week and her ex-husband has their daughter the next. They alternate holidays. They spent money from their 401Ks and now have destroyed their child’s future. They paid their attorneys children’s college tuition…

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 03:06 PM | Link to this

TC, I had a friend who was paying her ex $1400 a month on a teacher’s salary. Many times if you have sons, they want to live with their fathers.

I am not very trusting of family law attorneys…

By By me

November 10, 2006 03:22 PM | Link to this

I think there should be a reasonable check and accountability for “where does child support goes”.

I know a guy who pays $2,000 a month in child support for 2 children and children do not attend ANY activities, are not taken on ANY vacation, etc. Plus he buys all clothing, covers all school supplies and expenses, etc. If he does not give lunch money to his children, well..they have to be hungry because his ex does not pack lunch nor gives lunch money. His ex even forwards to him $15 medical copays. And if he does not buy school supplies, kids go to school without them… Is this fair? I think no. There should be some general accountability to where his ex puts $2,000 a month.

By lmm

November 10, 2006 03:23 PM | Link to this

Jasmine, I agree but I have no control over what they do in their home and what they say to my daughter when she is there. I’ve tried to reason with him but all that ends up doing is causing more pain for my daughter. So I just try to mitigate their negativity and pettiness with my daughter.

I was going to do just that: buy the $5 blinds and send them along. But, apparently they live in a sub-division that has a homeowners association and they have rules on the type of blinds that street facing windows should have. These babies cost a whopping $56 for one window and there are two windows in the room my daughter stays in!

TC, I’m sure they do take the new kid into consideration but I think that $500 is still too low even with that consideration. My and my daughter’s cost of living has gone up in the 9 years too. I’m also now a contractor because I was getting ready to be laid off and had to find something quick. Because of that, I needed to keep COBRA on my medical insurance due to a pre-existing medical condition on my daughter (she had a brain tumor) which increased my health care costs by 300% a month!

By lmm

November 10, 2006 03:32 PM | Link to this

By me, I agree that there are plenty who abuse the child support they are given. Those are the ones who should account for where the money goes.

You can tell if the money is spent on the child or not: just look at the child and listen to him/her! It isn’t hard to see or hear!

I don’t think everyone should have to prove how the money is spent if you can see that the child is well cared for and not just monetarily. If you love the child, then you are going to do what is right and provide for them accordingly and not be selfish.

By By me

November 10, 2006 03:34 PM | Link to this

To Jasmine: i know you and many working women are able to support their children. But it takes time until divorce is final. And until then, your husband may choose not to pay you a dime. This guy was so “smart”. He left his wife with NO money (she did not have any personal savings). Since they already lived in separate appartments and he was paying her rent, she was left with no place to live long term. Then his attorney claimed that wife is not able to take care of children and requested full custody. He was changing lawyers to prolong court and took time off to be with his children. Because he was with money, he was able to hire the best attorney. Can predict the outcome? She alsmost lost her kids.

By InWonder

November 10, 2006 03:35 PM | Link to this

Today you have a 50/50 chance of getting a divorce. If you BOTH agree on having either a joint, separate or both works best - there should be no more issue to it. If you do start fighting about it, it probably is a deeper, unresolved, unspoken issue.

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 03:40 PM | Link to this

And, they should have to deal with their own homeowners association. You shouldn’t have to take on that cost. It sounds like he and his current wife are very petty. It sounds like you are likely to get an increase if he takes you back. Can he cover your daughter on his insurance through his work?

By By me

November 10, 2006 03:41 PM | Link to this

To Imm: usually ex-husband have to provide health insurance to children and out of pocket expenses. I am shocked that you have to pay for it.

How old is your daugter? If she is old enough, explain to her who should pay for the blinds and then buy them and explain that you want your daughter to be comfortable. I am sure she will understand. If not today, then later.

As for vacation, i would also tell her that the adult who takes her should pay the bill. If your ex does not want to do that, then well, take your daughter to Disneyland!

By lmm

November 10, 2006 03:42 PM | Link to this

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that I took my daughter on vacation for a week in May to Disneyland. I decided that if I were going to spend that kind of money on her (this was when the ex asked me to pay for the trip with them) that I would be the one going with her and seeing that smile on her face.

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 03:51 PM | Link to this

By me, what was the final outcome?

By lmm

November 10, 2006 03:52 PM | Link to this

And when I had car trouble (transmission and engine had to be replaced), I talked it over with my daughter and we decided to postpone the trip to later when I could save up the money to go due to the almost $5000 bill for the car. When she told her dad that we weren’t going until later in the year, guess what her father and step-mom said? They told her that I am a liar and person who doesn’t keep promises!

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 03:53 PM | Link to this

lmm, good for you!

By lmm

November 10, 2006 03:54 PM | Link to this

by me, I think our posts crossed… as you can see by my subsequent posts that I did just that: I took her to Disneyland. I also did as you suggested: I talked with her and explained her father’s resposibilities as they regard her. She is 12.

By lmm

November 10, 2006 04:07 PM | Link to this

Jasmine, he had the gall to drop her from his insurance because he felt that since she was covered under mine that he shouldn’t have to. I found this out when she started having migraines and I needed him to take her to the doctor during one of his visitation weekends. The only reason he added her now is that it doesn’t cost any more to cover her and the other two kids. I haven’t made him pay for any of her medical bills (close to $6000 for her brain tumor) because of the grief it would cause my daughter.

By By me

November 10, 2006 04:13 PM | Link to this

She sees her children 3 days a week. It breaks my heart. Her daughter was crying every time she had to go over her fathers and it lasted for about 6 months. She was so attached to her mom.

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 04:18 PM | Link to this

lmm, just keep good documentation for the future…

I can’t believe he is so cruel…

By lmm

November 10, 2006 04:19 PM | Link to this

Is it me or is it taking a really long time for this blog to update?

By TC

November 10, 2006 04:23 PM | Link to this

imm, woe…he doesn’t provide healthcare. No girl, take him to court! If he has a health plan at work any Georgia judge will order him to provide the coverage since all you have is Cobra. Don’t let her insurance lapse whatever you do though. As long as she is currently insured she can alway’s obtain healthcare but if you let it lapse there is a possiblity of not finding any provider. Have you looked at PeachCare? No…never mind, i say take him to court quick!

By By me

November 10, 2006 04:23 PM | Link to this

Imm: OMG! I cannot believe this! What about making him pay medical expenses and explaining to your daughter that she does not have to go to his house if she is not being treated nicely by him or his current wife… But 12 years old may be too young and too “sensitive”.

Well, if i were his current wife and i found out about it, i would leave him this moment!

I believe you would not need to hire an attorney for this. Take it to the small claims court. If your divorce agreement states that he should provide insurance, there would be no problem proving it. Just check the max amount awarded to the plaintiff in small claims court. I know it warries by state.

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 04:26 PM | Link to this

It is taking a long time to update…

By Jasmine

November 10, 2006 04:27 PM | Link to this

By me, that is so sad…

By lmm

November 10, 2006 04:38 PM | Link to this

Jasmine, believe me, I try to only communicate via email so I have the documentation. I have also kept a sort of diary with the information that my daughter tells me that is said. I don’t know that i will ever use the information but I am prepared! She really hates going to her father’s but she isn’t prepared to say that she doesn’t want to go to court. I think that time is coming soon though. My daughter sees that he doesn’t spend a penny over the $500 he gives me (her wonderful step-mom enlightened her about the money my ex pays to me in child support, which IMHO isn’t something my daughter needs to know - on top of that the amount the step-mom told her was WRONG!)

Her father and step-mom always argue over anything regarding my daughter and money. Example, my daughter needed glasses. I paid for the exam and I bought the glasses. The next time she went to her father’s she overheard them arguing over whether I asked him to help pay for them (even though I’ve never asked him for a penny over the $500, EVER!) The step-mom told my daughter that she doesn’t think my daughter needs glasses. I talked with my daughter about this and said that her step-mom isn’t a doctor and therefore does not have the ability to determine whether glasses are needed or not.

By lmm

November 10, 2006 04:46 PM | Link to this

by me, I have told my daughter that she can decide to not go over there and that I would take him back to court in a heartbeat if that were what she wanted to do. She doesn’t want to make waves and she still wants to see her half-brother. I don’t think she is strong enough right now to stand up say she doesn’t want to go. She does ask about why she has to go when he never spends any time with her. I believe he only takes her because then I don’t have her and he can exert some control over me through her.

TC, I decided to cover my daughter under my health insurance because I knew that he was a spiteful person and wanted to stick it to me however he could. I decided to keep COBRA due to the pre-existing condition she has (brain tumor).

By By me

November 10, 2006 04:46 PM | Link to this

Yes, it is very sad… Call me nuts, but after this i and my husband sat down and i asked him to mutually sign a paper stating what is going to happen in case of a divorce. This document will be updated every time he or i get a salary increase. (things like: if he cheats i get.. and if i cheat, he gets..). We also started personal saving accounts. I think this is only fair, plus it is much easier to decide about these things when there is peace and love in the house.

I am sure you can tell that i am too crazy about this, but i rather be safe than sorry. We plan for college expenses and funeral, so why not to plan for this? And if we live together by the time we are 70, well…we will have some extra cash to go on a nice vacation.

By Fulton County Mom

November 10, 2006 07:21 PM | Link to this

Jasmine I am guessing you are not an attorney and not a divorcee. Lucky for you on both.

On the other hand, I totally agree with Immmmm…….The illigt son of a female dog in heat that I was married too should pay his support and shut up. My finances were laid bare for the court, and my income was factored in.

Here is news flash…he said he wouldn’t help pay college tutition and GA law doesn’t require it.

Face it there are some people out there (Moms) who wouldn’t spend $$ on the kid unless you forced them There are others like Immmm and myself who just want to do whatever we can for our children.

There are also Dead Beat Dads out there making it hard for the Good Ones (I know several good ones and always tell them how I admire what they do). In my case (and probably Immmm) we are talking about DBD and that is a very different subject!

By Jay

November 10, 2006 08:01 PM | Link to this

LMM - I don’t think it matters where you were divorced, it matters where the child resides currently when determining child support. GA law takes over now if you are in Georgia.

Regarding additional kids, it may vary from state to state but my husbands kids by his first marriage are in NH and when we were paying support - it did NOT matter that he and I had additional children. Additional kids were not taken into consideration at all when calculating his payments.

We had no issue paying support, they are his children after all, what I did have an issue with is how the expenses are calculated and the percentages that each is responsible for.

The ex was allowed to show ALL of her debt and expenses for a family of 7! Two vehicles, vehicle licensing, maintenance and insurance for both vehicles, church and charity donations, pet food and care, life insurance premiums (even for her new husband and children (we were required to have a life insurance policy with these two kids listed as the beneficiaries too), haircuts, entertainment, magazine subscriptions, now keep in mind, she is re-married and has an additional 3 children, so the expenses she is showing on paper are for 7 people!! — my hubby only has responsibility for 2 of them….but on paper she can make it look like they are poorer than poor because she can list all of their combined debt and all of the monthly bills for 7 people — what she doesn’t have to do is show her 2nd husbands income or share the fact that these bills are for 7 people.

It was decided Dad had to pay over 65.6% and she had to pay 34.3%.

Now, isn’t that fair.

By Jasmine

November 15, 2006 01:15 PM | Link to this

Jay, it seems divorced moms are praised for moving on and having another family. Divorced fathers are penalized if they move on and have another family.

FultonCountyMom, I know a lot about family law but I am not an attorney nor am I a divorcee.