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October 2006
Is military service a good career option?
Would you promote military service to your teens or is too great of risk to take?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of our friend’s sons just finished Marine boot camp. He left college to join the Marines. While I’m sure his parents are very proud of him, they are definitely worried and scared for him.
It made me wonder whether parents today see the military as a good career choice for their teens or something they should try to avoid.
My husband’s father was a career solider in the U.S. Army and served for 29 years. He always encouraged his sons to follow in his boot steps. He thought the military was a great opportunity for young men: it helped pay for college, it was steady work; they got to travel around the world, got great medical benefits and a great pension.
However, we think a lot of his father’s opinion was based on the fact that he was never shot at during his 29 years in the service. During Vietnam, he snagged a cushy assignment in Okinawa. In the 1970s, he was a Green Beret but there were no big conflicts to parachute into. He even served in Korea’s demilitarized zone during the late ’80s. And while I’m sure there was tension, it wasn’t an active war zone.
In the last few years, there have simply been a lot more active war zones (Somalia, Kosovo, Afghanistan and Iraq) and a lot greater chance that your child could get hurt or killed if they are serving in the military.
How do parents today feel about promoting military service to their teenagers?
Do you see it as the good opportunity that many generations before saw it as? Or now is it too great of risk that your child could get hurt?
Permalink | Comments (92) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Pouching stomach wasn’t pregnancy giveaway
How long did you manage to keep your secret at work? Anyone ever out you? If not, how long did you wait to tell?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Many future moms know the torture of showing up to work hoping that no one notices their vomit-breath or the fact that they have suddenly developed narcolepsy. Whether it’s because of an impending raise or a potential deal, many women don’t want their bosses, colleagues or clients to know they are pregnant until they have to push back from the desk to be able to type.
But if they’re like me, sometimes they get outed before they’re ready to tell.
With my first child, I was about two months along and trying hard to cover up the nausea and exhaustion. I was participating in a management training session with the head of my department and other managers from the newspaper.
I was asked to come up in front of about 25 people and role play a manager telling her employee he was performing poorly. Unbeknownst to me “the employee� had been coached ahead of time. They told him to be really aggressive.
My hormones were totally whacked out, and I started crying while the “employee� was verbally accosting me.
When I say started crying, I don’t mean I was tearing up. I mean I was sobbing loudly and uncontrollably. When they let me return to my seat, I kept whimpering through the next part of the session.
After the class was finally over, my choices were to let my boss believe that I was the worst manager at the paper and completely unable to handle employees, or I could fess up and just tell her why I was so emotionally unhinged.
Pride won out over fear, and I told her that afternoon that I was pregnant – about a month before I originally intended to share my news.
My outing with the third pregnancy was definitely more shocking, and some might say partially my fault.
I went to speak about MOMania this summer at the Grady College of Journalism at the University of Georgia. The professor who invited me is a friend of the family and I was so joyful about our news I had confided in him that I was pregnant. I specifically told him it was a secret because I wasn’t very far along.
So I’m standing in front of about 20 students and 10 faculty members ready to speak and this professor is introducing me. He talks about the column and the blog and then says, “She’s a mother of two with one of the way.�
My jaw dropped open. My eyes grew gigantic. The students just stared at me. All I could say was, “My kids don’t even know I am pregnant yet. My brother doesn’t even know I’m pregnant yet.�
He was like, “Oh, was that a secret?�
I’m like “Yeah.�
Needless to say the start of the presentation wasn’t very good. I kept intermittently repeating to myself “I can’t believe he just said that.�
Getting outed wasn’t always someone else’s fault. Sometimes it was my own vanity.
About two weeks after the incident at the journalism school, I was asked to come to the downtown office of the AJC for a meeting. I still hadn’t told my editor that I was pregnant. I was already poking out and my skin looked terrible. Plus I was eating like a lumber jack, and it was a lunch meeting. I hadn’t been into the office for about a year so I was certain all my friends were going to think I had just gotten really fat.
Before I even made it into the elevator from the lobby I was spilling my guts to passing friends. “I swear I’m not fat. I’m just pregnant.�
Too old to trick-or-treat?
How do you know when your kids have passed their trick-or-treating prime? Do you turn the oldies away at the door?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
How old is too old to be trick-or-treating? Does age really matter or is it the amount of effort they put into their costumes? Do you actually turn “kids� away from your door and tell them they are too old or not dressed up enough? Are you afraid of reprisals?
We live in a big neighborhood with scads of kids. But we also see our fare-share of unimpressively costumed teen-agers. I never turn them away. I may give them less candy but I never turn them away —- I don’t want my house to get egged or rolled!
What is your trick-or-treater litmus test? How do you decide who deserves candy and who doesn’t? Do you have a good bowl of candy (i.e.: really chocolate) for kids you know and a cheap bowl of candy for kids you don’t know? (I swear I don’t do that — the question just popped into my head.)
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Would you allow interracial dating?
Do parents today mind if their teens date outside their race?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
There was a story in the paper last week about a man who is charged with masterminding the contract killing of his daughter-in-law. The twist to this story is the alleged hit appears to be racially motivated – the father-in-law is from India and the daughter-in-law was African-American. (Here’s the full story.)
So it just got me thinking: Do today’s parents accept interracial dating? Is it a big deal to bring home somebody not of your race?
If you don’t approve of persons from certain races, how are you letting your teens or kids know this? Is it through subtle messages or are they outright forbidden?
People, I know this is a touchy issue, but please try to keep it clean.
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When do you medicate for ADD?
Who do you trust to diagnose ADD – the school or your doctor? How do you know if it’s time to medicate?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Uncle – I give in. I thought that was a good one, but apparently not. Here’s a new topic:
Do you believe your school’s teachers and counselors if they tell you your child is ADD? Do you believe the pediatrician? Should parents seek other specialists before agreeing with the diagnosis?
How do you know when it’s time to medicate? Do you think medication is prescribed too quickly for ADD? Do you think it’s misused to solve something that may not actually be ADD?
How does an ADD diagnosis and treatment affect how your child is treated at school? Does it have any affect?
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Sperm count hurt by cell phones?
Chatting by cell four hours or more a day could be lowering sperm count, lessening its ability to swim and hurting its formation.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If you’ve been having trouble conceiving you might want to ask your husband how many hours a day he’s on his cell phone.
According to a new study from The Cleveland Clinic, the men who used cell phones the most often had poorer sperm quality than those who used cell phones less frequently.
WebMD reports: “The lowest average sperm counts seemed to be in men who had the most cell phone use (more than four hours a day); those who didn’t use cell phones seemed to have the highest.� Check out the WebMD version of the story.
The Daily Mail out of London reports: “Men who used a mobile for more than four hours a day had a 25 per cent lower sperm count than men who never used a mobile.�
The Mail also reported that the sperm of men with the highest cell usage showed a one-third drop in their ability to swim. Plus, they showed a 50 percent drop in the number of sperm that were correctly formed. Here’s the Mail’s version.
Depending on which publication’s story you read, you either need to be extremely worried about this or not so worried. Read both versions and tell us what you think.
If you’re of child-bearing age, would you ask your husband to use a land-line and lay off the cell phone? Or do you think this is total bollocks?
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What I’ve learned writing about family life
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When I thought about what it would be like to write a Mom column and blog, I dreamt of female unity — bonding over shared hopes, aspirations and beliefs about child-rearing, household management and, most importantly, infuriating husbands.
I would tell the ladies some stories from my chaotic life, spout some humor and wisdom, and all of them would rush to the Internet to agree with me.
“Yes, Theresa, mothers are underappreciated.�
“Yes, Theresa, it’s OK to have a messy car if you always have supplies to keep the little ones happy.�
“Yes, Theresa, Eric Bana is hot and your husband is a selfish jerk.�
Fifty-two weeks, 50 columns and hundreds of Internet chats later, I’ve learned that there is no Monolith of Motherhood. In fact, a lot of mothers think I’m crazy. Some of them even – gasp – took my husband’s side in arguments.
I also learned that a lot of men can read, and they have enough free time to chime in on the discussion.
I quickly realized that people bring their own experiences to whatever they read. The same column could draw opposite responses from different audiences. Working moms thought I was a whiner, stay-at-home moms thought I wasn’t spending enough time with my kids, while dads just thought I was simply insane.
Readers have accused me of being liberal and conservative, snobby and trashy, an in-town wannabe and a mindless suburbanite, uninvolved in my children’s lives or too involved. Others have suggested my husband and I seek counseling, separate, divorce or go to rehab.
Some of the online reaction actually scared me. When people see us out and ask, “Are you the lady who writes for the paper?� I always answer, “That depends. Do you hate her?�
My goal was to make moms laugh and give us a chance to discuss ways to make our families healthier and our lives easier. What I didn’t count on was how many revelations I would have about family life from writing these columns and blogs and from reading your thoughts on the topics.
So to celebrate the one-year anniversary of MOMania, I wanted to share some of what I’ve learned:
I thought my messy car was a sign that I was a prepared mom with anything my kids needed within arms’ reach. It turns out, it’s just filthy. What are you really going to do with 18 empty granola bar wrappers? I am trying to clean it out and have whittled it down to a box of truly useful things – Band-Aids, emergency wipes and a change of clothes.
I talk about my boobs a lot. I never realized it before, but I have managed to have six boob references in one year. I don’t think I’m obsessed. But I can’t help laughing when I picture an editor at the newspaper announcing that I’ve written another boob column.
Writing about Georgia football is dangerous. A year after I wrote it, the column complaining about my husband’s football addiction continues to get bounced around the Internet, showing up on fan sites for LSU, Mississippi State and even Sam Houston. (I didn’t even know they played football!). I am now the official anti-football poster wife. Here’s a sample from one guy’s blog: “I hope this woman has received death threats.�
Letting my son pee out back did not help him potty train any faster and now he’s decided he just enjoys doing it. He trots to the back door like the dog and pulls down his underwear at the patio’s edge and relieves himself on the lawn. I keep trying to tell him that the downstairs bathroom is just as close as the back yard. I’m hoping the first frost will deter him.
Some people worry about me and my husband. When I got a call from the producers of “The Dr. Keith Ablow Show,� I thought they wanted me to come on as a professional journalist commenting on parenting. It quickly became clear that they had read one of the columns and thought my marriage was in trouble. I declined. A few weeks later, the same producer read another column and called again. I told her I was holding out for Jerry Springer.
I don’t need Dr. Keith Ablow when I have you guys. This whole year has been like free therapy for me. I am far less angry and resentful. I get to vent my frustrations about motherhood and marriage and get a response. Sometimes, the comments change my mind or my behavior.
I hope other moms have found companionship, information and help from the column and blog. I’m proud of the community we have built, and look forward to another great year of embarrassing myself and my husband.
Teen in real trouble or is it just angst?
How can you tell if your teen is experiencing normal teen blues or if it’s serious trouble?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A 16-year-old girl is accused of killing a mother of three by slamming her car into the woman’s car two weeks ago. Now the DA says the young woman was trying to commit suicide. (Read the full story.)
So the mother of three is dead and her daughter was badly injured. The 16-year-old is in a mental health facility, while the DA plans to seek a grand jury indictment in the next 30 days.
I can’t even imagine how the mother of three’s family is suffering, but the question I want to focus on today is:
How do you know when your teen is in real trouble (like I’m going to commit suicide or hurt someone else) or when it is just normal teen problems? What signs do you look for and how do you help?
Apparently, the 16-year-old told other students she intended to kill herself the day of the crash.
Are you close enough to your teen’s friends where that info might filter down to you? How do you know when to write if off or when to take it seriously?
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How much will you spend on Halloween?
Have you already gotten your child’s costume? How much are you willing to spend to pull off Halloween?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We had a request yesterday from Jay to talk about Halloween. I’m going to save Jay’s particular question until we get closer to Halloween, and hit the costumes first.
I shopped early this year for costumes. I just didn’t want to be in a panic running all over town looking for the right sizes.
My 3-year-old had a meltdown in the Target aisle – he could not decide which costume he wanted. (In his defense, he was sick that day so I don’t think he was handling things as well as normal.) He sat down on the floor and just cried because he couldn’t make up his mind between like five costumes. They weren’t that expensive so I bought him two (one was $19 and one was $12). I want him to play dress up and use his imagination anyway so I didn’t mind buying the extra costume. (He’s running around like Robin right now in fact.)
How much are you willing to spend on costumes? Do you ever make your own? What are your rules about sexy costumes for older girls or gory costumes for older boys?
Permalink | Comments (102) | Categories: Family Life
Croc daughter’s wildlife show: creepy or cool?
Steve Irwin's 8-year-old is hosting a new wildlife show. Is it a cool way to honor her father or a creepy way to earn a buck?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Steve Irwin’s 8-year-old daughter Bindi will star in a wildlife series that she was originally going to work on with her father.
The series is in the early stages of production and will air on the Discovery Kids network early next year. (Here’s the full story.)
Bindi’s father, an animal conservationist and known to many in America as the “Crocodile Hunter,� died in September from a poisonous jab to his heart from a stingray.
This whole thing just strikes me as weird. We always loved watching “The Crocodile Hunter� even before we had kids. Steve and his wife Terri seemed like such nice, sincere people. So I have a hard time thinking she’s just doing it to make a quick buck after his death. But let’s be honest: Who’s not going to watch Steve Irwin’s daughter host a wildlife show! It just seems really soon and really sad to be doing it.
What do you think? Is this a really icky marketing ploy or a way for Bindi to stay connected to her father and honor him? Will you watch it with your kids?
Making choices on language learning
Speak only English or learn heritage language too?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My Filipino mother-in-law came to the United States fluent in four languages – Tagalog (the official Filipino language), her village’s dialect, Chinese and English. My father-in-law was fluent in two – Italian and English.
Is my husband an amazing linguist able to speak in multiple tongues? No, but he can cuss in several languages.
Michael’s parents believed when you came to America – you assimilated. You only spoke English. They also believed it would be confusing for their children to try to learn two languages at once. Sadly, all of their rich languages and much of their cultures were lost to my husband and his brother.
Thirty-five years later it seemed to me these attitudes had shifted.
In our neighborhood and preschool community, it is en vogue for children to be bilingual (even if the parents were English speaking). The parents valued their heritage, or native, language and wanted their children to cherish it too. These parents also seemed to understand children have the capacity to learn more than one language without delaying their speech.
For example, our 6-year-old neighbor Mary Seol is at the top of her class at our local elementary school. She is a great reader in English, plus she speaks and writes in Korean. Mary’s parents, Helen and JQ. They emigrated from South Korea to the United States in the ’80s. They learned English in middle school in Korea but perfected speaking it here. It was a priority for them to be fluent in English, but they knew they wanted their child to retain their heritage language. For the first two years of Mary’s life, her mother stayed home with her and spoke almost exclusively Korean.
But not all families share this attitude toward their heritage language. Mariana Achugar, a second-language acquisition expert at Carnegie Mellon University, says a family’s ’ socio-economic background often dictates whether the language is passed along.
 She says for working-class families the belief that assimilating is best is still very much alive. She says these families think English is the most important thing to succeed in American society. Bilingualism is not considered an asset.
But for middle and upper class families, Achugar says teaching bilingualism is viewed as an investment in the future. Many want their children to retain their culture, but also know that in a global economy, speaking more than one language will be an advantage. She calls it “elite bilingualism.�
Challenges and joy of bilingualism at home
Joyce and Alejandro Naumis, of Lawrenceville, had many reasons why they wanted their son Peter, 4, to speak Spanish and English. Alejandro emigrated from Uruguay and while he knows English, he’s much more comfortable speaking Spanish. Joyce was born here, but has a master’s degree in Spanish literature and is fluent. They often spoke Spanish at home even before their son was born.
They adopted Peter, 4, from Guatemala when he was almost 2. His orphanage spoke only Spanish.
“My plan was to speak Spanish almost exclusively at first,� says Joyce. “He didn’t really speak anything at all other than a few words in Spanish. We wanted to make him feel comfortable.� Gradually Joyce started using more English during the daytime but then spoke Spanish at night when her husband came home.
“I do want him to retain his heritage language,� she says. “Peter understands 90 to 95 percent? in Spanish. He just answers in English, which is pretty typical of immigrant children.�
Plus, if Peter wants to have an easy conversation with his father, Joyce says he’ll do much better to speak with him in Spanish.
Although Joyce is fluent in Spanish, she struggled for some of the words she needed to care for a baby. While teaching high school, Joyce never used the Spanish word for bottle or pak’n’play. Also differences between Hispanic countries made it tough to decide which word she should be using. She also says in emergency situations, she immediately switched to English – like “Don’t touch. Hot!� Helen and JQ felt that speaking Korean was important for Mary to understand who she is and where she came from. The rest of their family still lives in Korea so it is also important for Mary to able to communicate with her grandparents and other relatives. Mary’s parents say the other benefits of speaking and writing two languages will be a bonus.
What happens wwhen kids head to school
In 2005 – 2006, 46,064 children out of 144,634 in the Gwinnett County School System spoke a primary home language other than English. The school system calls them PHLOTE students. Some will become bilingual. Some will lose their heritage language, and others may never achieve fluency in English.
The number one minority-language group in the Gwinnett County schools last year was Spanish, reported at 27,856. The second largest was Korean at 3,364, followed by Vietnamese at 2,561 and Chinese at 1,272 students.
Achugar says it’s common that when children are put in dy care or start school that English becomes their dominant language.
Mary’s mother saw it hppening. “As soon as she went to the day care she forgot Korean. She just learned English.� Helen’s friends told her, “As soon as they go to school or get friends they don’t want to speak Korean. They advised me keep teaching it. When they grow up, they will regret not doing it when they were young.�
To reinforce what Mary is learning at home, she attends Korean school in Norcross on Saturdays with more than 300 other Korean children. Not only does she study reading, writing and speaking Korean, she is learning about traditional dances and music.
Although learning English quickly helps the children succeed in school, it can cause problems at home.
Achugar says when the children become proficient in English and their parents are not, the balance of power can shift. She says sometimes the children tend not to respect the parents as much, and they can feel they don’t have adult advocates.
Achugar says often by the third generation, the heritage language is lost.
Way to retain your heritage language
Becoming bilingual is a lifetime process, according to Achugar. She says a child’s vocabulary will develop depending on where and how they use their heritage language. For example, she says her professional life is in English. Her Spanish vocabulary is more focused on home, family and everyday things.
“The most important thing (for parents) is to follow their instincts. Speak in the language that you feel more comfortable,� she says. “And be consistent.�
Achugar says just speaking at home isn’t enough to retain the language. She says the child must be exposed to the language in other places.
She recommends:
Finding programs in your language at churches, libraries and special schools.
Reading books and watching DVDs in your language.
Showing your children reasons to learn and retain their heritage language.
Traveling to countries using your heritage language whenever possible.
If your children respond to you in English, respond back in the heritage language.
Don’t worry if your child mixes languages or invents words. It is normal.
Teen-agers want to fit in and often get embarrassed by their second language. She says it’s bad to force it on them at this point. She says to try to talk about the positives of maintaining the language – such as that it’s a private way for them to communicate with friends and family. Also exploring the pop culture, movies and music of your home country may also make it seem cooler.
Achugar recommends the following reources to help families:
www.multilingualchildren.org – Multilingual Children’s Association is a group dedicated to raising multilingual children. It offers expert advice, resource directories and contact with other parents with the same goals.
www.multilingual-matters.com/ — Multilingual Matters is a publishing house with bilingual books and information for families. Parents can sign up for a quarterly newsletter focused on teaching children multiple languages.
www.cal.org/ — Center for Applied Linguistics offers digests and booklets to help families teach their children other languages.
Do parents need professional coaches?
Who do you turn to for parenting advice? How much would you pay for it?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Who do you rely on for parenting advice?
Some parents are turning to professional parenting coaches for help at about $100 a phone session. These coaches are often parents but are not typically trained therapists. Some may have a sociology, psychology or an education background. (See the story.)
My initial reaction to this story was: Isn’t that the role of friends and family? Isn’t that why mothers are always chatting each other up at the parks, bus stops and on the phone? Don’t we seek each other out for child-rearing advice?
I am lucky enough to have two girlfriends with older daughters than mine so they are great for stubborn-girl advice. I also have friends with older boys who have son advice. My parents also are helpful.
I guess for something more serious my first step would be to call my pediatrician. And if it was something really serious I think I’d pay the $100 to a child psychologist.
My girlfriend reminds me that not everyone has parents alive or close by and not everyone has friends who have babies.
Who do you turn to for child-rearing advice? Would you ever call a professional parenting coach? For what types of problems would you use a coach? How much is their advice worth to you?
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What do you like best about your pediatrician?
How did you choose him or her? Who is the best pediatrician in the city?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Staying with my sickness theme for the week – what do you like best about your pediatrician? How did you pick him or her? (We just got home from the pediatrician’s office.)
As you all know I am a huge germaphobe, and I adore that my pediatrician lets you wait in your car. They call you on your cell phone when they’re ready to take you back! What a relief to only have to deal with the germs in one tiny room instead of the whole waiting room.
Our pediatrician was literally my pediatrician. He has seen me since birth, and I completely adore him. He’s seen it all but he really keeps up with new advances. His daughter became a pediatrician too, so I think they talk shop a lot.
I also love that you can always get a phone nurse to ask questions like “Should I bring my child in?� They are very good at helping you analyze whether a visit is needed.
What do you like best about your doctor? Who are some of the best pediatricians in the city and where are they located?
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Would you let your child be a page?
The State of Georgia’s page program begins as young as age 12, but they’re only there for a day.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We’ve all heard about the investigation into former Rep. Mark Foley’s actions with Capitol Hill pages.
The State of Georgia also has a page program. Kids can participate as young as 12. It’s only for a day, and parents can stay at the Capitol during their child’s work day.
I remember my girlfriend in middle school worked as a page at the state capitol. She was so proud.
The national page program is obviously more intense. The teen-agers live, study and work in Washington D.C. far away from many of their parents.
Would you be comfortable with the Georgia page program? What is the youngest age you would let your child participate? What about the national program? Would you still be interested in it?
Permalink | Comments (63) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Is it cold season already?
Are you guys sick out there or is it just us?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It’s barely below 80 degrees and my whole family keeps getting sick. (Actually my husband keeps dodging it. He switches to another bedroom at night leaving me to have Sickie 1 and Sickie 2 cough on me all night.)
We have been through cold after cold, and it’s only the second week in October. I’m dreading December and January.
Are your families getting sick or is it just us? Does elementary school have more germs than preschool? What are you doing to try to prevent the colds? I think my kids eat pretty well, and I don’t think I can give them any more Flintstones Vitamins Plus C than I already am.
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Telling your kids about the school shootings?
Are you bringing it up or are they? How are you calming their fears?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
What are you telling your kids about the recent rash of school shootings? Are they asking questions or are you bringing it up? What are their worries?
How old should a child be to be told what’s going on with the different shootings? Are the girls more worried than the boys because they seem to be targeted lately? What words are you using to calm their fears?
Permalink | Comments (28) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Whose job is it to protect kids’ minds?
Should schools ban Harry Potter or should offended parents prevent their kids from reading it?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Should Harry Potter be banned from Gwinnett County public school libraries or should parents who are offended keep it away from their kids?
Laura Mallory, a Loganville mom, challenged the Harry Potter books in September 2005 saying the stories promoted and glorified witchcraft. She wanted the books removed from her school and from all the public school libraries in Gwinnett County.
The case has been passed up the line and this morning is being heard on appeal before the state Board of Education. Check out the full story.
So my questions is: When is it the job of parents to monitor and prevent their children from looking at materials they find inappropriate, and when is it the job of a body (a community, a school, a school board) to do this? What standards do you apply? When does the responsibility shift?
Permalink | Comments (228) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Close-by family proves more than just handy
Do you rely on relatives' help with your children? If your family is far away, who forms the support system to help care for your family?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Unlike many people in our transient society whose relatives live hours away, my parents are just four miles down the road.
What a luxury and relief it is to know that if I get the flu or need to go child-free to an appointment, my support system is minutes away.
Of course, this close proximity to my parents and to my brother and his family sometimes results in bickering and competition.
But when things go really wrong, there is nothing “mixed� about having family nearby. It is quite simply a blessing.
That’s been clear since my mother’s call two weeks ago to say my 37-year-old brother was in the ER, and they were pretty sure he was in congestive heart failure again.
My brother was born with a heart defect that was surgically corrected as best as technology and technique allowed in 1970. Now his heart is tired and isn’t pumping efficiently.
Our family mobilizes quickly when crisis erupts. Regrettably, we have had to do this several times during the last four years.
We now have an established pattern. The family takes turns being at the hospital with my brother. My mother and sister-in-law bear most of that brunt. (I haven’t carried my weight this time due to strep throat. They won’t let you in the Intensive Care Unit with a contagious infection.) The family also takes turns caring for my 5-year-old niece and 18-month-old nephew so my sister-in-law can be at the hospital. (ICU also frowns on small children.)
Much like an army, we have fallen into specialty roles at the hospital. My mother’s job is to be a mom — she’s there to comfort, protect and reassure.  My sister-in-law’s mere presence makes my brother feel better. She cheers, supports and nurses him. Even though he is ill, he still thinks it’s hysterically funny to make her help him with his bedpan.
My job is to be the gadfly. I ask the doctors a lot of questions, try to pin down vague or conflicting statements and take good notes to share with the family. I literally introduce myself as “the annoying sister.â€? They kept mistaking me for brother’s wife at first, which alarmed him greatly. You don’t want to alarm a cardiac patient.  While my dad loves his son, he is extremely uncomfortable at the hospital. He’s antsy and nervous. He doesn’t like needles, and my brother has IVs coming out of multiple veins. Picture Woody Allen in the ICU tripping over plastic tubes and placing bed pans where the food trays are set. My father is often assigned child-care duty outside of the hospital. Â
My husband’s job is to take care of our children so I can annoy doctors. He also assists in the care of our niece and nephew.
  For many families, help from local relatives isn’t an option. So these families have to create their own support systems. One friend is particularly adept at this. She moved here from Nebraska with newborn twins and an older child, leaving behind her family and her husband’s. She immediately joined the local mom’s club and found emotional support, as well as pinch-hitting babysitters. She has created a web of caring mothers who understand how hard it is to be away from family and who also need that reciprocal support.
 Our family has many stressful weeks ahead as the doctors try to figure out the best path for my brother. If it is time for a heart transplant, it will likely be at the University of Alabama Birmingham Hospital. Our family will have to create an elaborate logistical plan to keep children in school, my parents’ business running and my brother surrounded by love.
But what a blessing to be able to do that. Â
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