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September 2006
How often do you phone your spouse?
How many times during the work day do you talk with your spouse? Do you call, e-mail or IM? Is he rude or polite when you call?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
How often do you communicate with your husband or wife while they are at work? Do you phone, fax, e-mail or IM them? How long do the conversations last? Are they patient and polite or rude?
Somebody, and I assume it was a guy, was complaining in yesterday’s blog about wives calling their husbands at work. He was very put out by it.
I talk with my husband infrequently during the day. He’s always busy and is often short when I call. Sometimes if he doesn’t answer his cell phone when I call, I will IM him. I know he can respond to that even if he’s on a conference call.
I have some friends whose husbands call to check in throughout the day, which just amazes me. I also have friends who have long friendly chats with their husbands while they’re at work. I can’t even imagine this. I would be very suspicious if my husband ever called to chit-chat.
Permalink | Comments (119) | Categories: Battles between Mom and Dad
Is your company mother friendly?
Three Georgia firms made ‘Working Mother’ magazine's top 100. How does your company compare?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If you’re a Mom and you work for Aflac, Turner Broadcasting or Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta, “Working Mother� magazine says you’ve got a good employer!
How does your company compare? What makes a mother-friendly company?
The magazine ranks annually the top 100 employers based on five criteria: flexibility, leave time for new parents, child care, elder care and the number of women occupying top jobs. Here’s the story.
Working Mother CEO Carol Evans said that in order to retain female employees, a growing number of companies are offering customized schedules.
“Our country needs women to have babies, our companies need women’s brainpower and time,” she said. “Those two things going together really demand that companies wake up to this new culture.”
One of my good friends works for an off-shoot of Johnson-Johnson, which has been on the list for 21 years. This company bent over backward to get her back to work after she had her first baby. They have fantastic on-site day care, which I think makes a huge difference in a mother’s comfort level. They gave her flex-hours, which meant she had Fridays off to be with the baby. They know she is an amazing employee, and they made it a point to keep her happy.
Who are some other good family companies in Atlanta? What do you look for in a mother-friendly employer?
Permalink | Comments (222) | Categories: General Frustrations of Motherhood
When ‘fake pregnancy symptoms’ turn real
Did you get obsessive while trying to get pregnant? Did you report pregnancy symptoms to friends and family?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Any woman who has tried month after month to conceive knows that as soon as the deed is done, you immediately begin to hyper-analyze your body for signs of potential pregnancy.
A hypochondriac by nature, I claim world champ status for neurotically diagnosing symptoms that indicate I am with child. Because I am generally wrong (my lifetime average: strikeout 15 of 17!), I have dubbed these “fake pregnancy symptoms.�
With 11 months of trying for our first child and eight months for our third, my poor husband and friends have patiently listened to mind-numbing recitations of symptoms.
In the beginning my husband thought I was in tune with my body. By the third month, he openly mocked my self-diagnosis.
A few of my favorite fake pregnancy symptoms: Sore boobs (often actually caused by my 3-year-old whacking me in the chest), nauseated (pretty sure now was stomach virus), stuffy nose (allergies?), weight gain (just eating poorly), tired (taking care of two kids), hair looking shinier, flatter or curlier (changes in humidity, not hormones).
You may scoff and ridicule, but I know I am not alone in this self evaluation. There are more than 150,000 Web sites devoted purely to “early signs of pregnancy.�
My favorite site is www.peeonastick.com. Created by a mom who clearly understands the insanity a woman goes through. This site answers every possible question. Wondering if you should take your pregnancy test apart to see the lines more clearly? Test Guru Megan Clarke tells you this is a bad idea.
Women submit photos of ovulation predictor and pregnancy tests they have taken, which Clarke posts, to illustrate when a line is really a line. The site offers sage advice such as: If you have to tilt your test, squint at it or put it under bright lights to make a line appear then the test is NOT positive. That is called an evaporation line.
I consulted Megan’s site many times while trying for number 3 (those darn evaporation lines kept tripping me up!), but the month we were finally the pregnant, the signs and the lines were very clear.
Before we left on a vacation in June, I told my girlfriend, “I have a new and exciting fake pregnancy symptom. I feel like my milk is coming in.� Always supportive, she said, “Wow that is a new and exciting one.�
About a week and a half later, my left boob doubled in size. (My children nursed more on that side as infants.) I showed my husband. I told him I either needed to see a breast specilist the minute we got back or I was pregnant.
He told me to put that thing away, it was scaring him. The lopsided boob was a little hard to disguise in a bathing suit, but I did my best.
After being up all night on a 10-hour flight, I made my husband stop at a drugstore on the way home from the airport. The test was immediate and most definitely positive. I didn’t even have to tilt it or squint!
Were you a whiny pregnant lady?
Was your husband sympathetic or just annoyed?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Did your husband think you complained too much while you were pregnant or were you a trooper? Were you whiny just during the first trimester or the entire pregnancy? What were your general complaints? What were his responses?
Permalink | Comments (74) | Categories: Health
Why do you help in your kid’s class?
Are you truly altruistic or are you scoring points for your child?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Do you help out in your child’s class because you really want to be there or because you want to kiss up to the teacher? Do you think if you send in supplies the teacher will like your child or your family more? Does it actually work? Has it ever backfired?
Permalink | Comments (35) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Worry about making your kids orphans?
How prepared are you in case both of you die? Do you have wills? Do you have life insurance? Do you have a guardian?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Do you worry about traveling as a couple and something bad happening? Will you fly on the same plane or do you insist on taking separate flights? Do you worry about destinations being hit by terrorists while you’re there? How prepared are you in the event something bad does happen?
My husband and I are thinking about taking a little romantic trip to New York City this fall before the baby comes. And I can’t stop wondering if it’s irresponsible for us to visit New York when it could get hit by terrorists? I’m also trying to decide if we need to take separate flights. (I hate that — flying alone is no fun!)
We did make a will and appoint a guardian two years ago before we took a short cruise. We’ve had life insurance since my daughter was born. So in the event we do die, we are at least prepared. But should we even be taking the risk of traveling and leaving our children orphans?
Permalink | Comments (65) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Imagining my marriage as ‘The Amazing Race’
How’s your teamwork? Do you support your spouse even when things go poorly or immediately point fingers?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Picture it. You’re in a race across Europe. Your spouse is your teammate, and you’ve just discovered you left your only money in a cab. How does your team handle the stress? Is there finger pointing or do you pull together to make the best of things?
This is a typical scenario on “The Amazing Race,� which premieres its 10th season tonight on CBS.
The exotic locations and crazy tasks the teams perform may be the draw for some. But my husband and I are mesmerized by the team dynamics. We try to figure out who will work best together: will it be the long-married husband and wife, the same-sex best friends, the dating couple or the siblings? We love to think about how we would perform under similar circumstances.
Last season, there was a husband and wife from the South. This guy yelled at his wife and belittled her ideas in almost every show. Every now and then she would fight back and tell him not to speak to her that way, but for the most she let him get away with it. Not only did she take it, she often then massaged his ego telling him how smart he was and what a great guy he was.
Most of the married couples come off similarly on the show—just plain mean to each other. I can think of only two couples in the last three seasons who have actually been kind and supportive.
One of the couples had been married for 40 years. The 60-something spouses were patient and encouraged each other. At one point, the wife told her husband she thought she could quickly put together a motorcycle (they had a choice of a different task). In the end she couldn’t do it, and they wasted a lot of time. However, her husband never blamed her. He was sympathetic and acted like it was a team choice and a team failure. He never pointed fingers and focused on how to recover.
If we ever got on the show, I’m pretty sure my husband and I would be the couple who yelled at each other the most that season. We both generally want to be the captain of the ship, the problem is we never have any sailors.
Before we had kids we took a kayak trip through the estuaries of St. Simons Island. We decided to share a two-person kayak. Big mistake! We struggled to paddle at the same pace and in the same direction. We had a terrible time turning corners because I didn’t want to listen to his ideas, and he didn’t want to listen to mine.
After 12 years of marriage we have developed the perfect way to work well together — we don’t. I’m kidding… sort of. There are many projects that we seriously have learned that we would just rather tackle alone. We completely disagree on the proper way to hang Christmas lights on a tree. So now I just let him hang them his way and come back to admire his work. The same is true for painting rooms in the house. For the last few years, I would paint every fall when he took an annual business trip. I realized last year I did it to avoid fighting with him about colors and painting technique.
Of course when you’re married, you have to tackle many things together. We now know we work best if there is a pre-anointed leader and a routine that we follow. For example, my husband leads at our children’s bath time and that production is like clockwork. We also work well together getting ready for church and getting the kids out the door in the morning.
Our amazing race of marriage will enter a new phase this spring when we welcome a third child into our family. I think to succeed as a team, we will have to get the house and our plan of action more organized, not be so stubborn and work harder at not assigning blame.
How’s your teamwork? Do you support your spouse even when things go poorly or immediately point fingers? Do you treat them with respect or think they’ll forgive you no matter how rude you are to them?
Do you have a tattoo, Mommy?
Do your kids know? What do they think?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
According to a press release I recently got for a new children’s book, named “Mommy Has a Tattoo,� about one-third of the Americans aged 25 to 39 have tattoos. That number should include a lot of mommies and daddies.
The book by Phil Padwe is aimed at teaching kids not to be afraid of tattoos. Here’s his myspace page if you want to learn more.
So the question is: Are you a tattooed mommy or daddy? Do your kids know? What do they say about it? What have you taught your kids about tattoos? Have your kids ever commented about another person’s tattoo?
My son told a worker at the Gap recently that she shouldn’t draw on herself. I had no idea what he was talking about and then I finally noticed the tattoo on her arm. She said, “I know. I did it when I was young.”
I was so embarrassed. I told him it was called a tattoo and left it at that.
Permalink | Comments (115) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
How do you handle infertility?
What treatments have you sought? What are your favorite sources of information? What local doctors do you like the best?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
After Monday’s topic on getting pregnant, we had a lot of requests to talk about infertility. Here are some stats from the Georgia Reproductive Specialists Web site (they are a one of many practices who treat infertility in Atlanta):
“6.1 million people in the United States are affected by infertility…�
“Infertility is the inability to conceive after one year of trying with unprotected intercourse for couples in which the female is under 35 and six months of trying for couples in which the female is over 35.�
“Approximately one in six couples is affected by infertility …â€?
“…in 30 percent of cases the cause is attributed to the female, in 30 percent the cause is attributed to the male, in 30 percent the cause is attributed to both and in 10 percent of cases the cause is unknown.�
As I said Monday in the blog, we’ve had multiple friends who have been treated for infertility. Some were treated successfully. Others moved on to adoption and have had great success there. I called one of our dearest friends and one of the best researchers I know for some of her favorite infertility Web sites. Here are some she suggested:
www.inciid.org — Its actual name is the InterNational Council on Infertility Information Dissemination (pronounced inside). The group is a “nonprofit organization that helps couples explore their family-building options.â€? My friend especially liked the site because it had forums moderated by physicians. She said it was great if you were embarrassed to ask your doctor a question or if you didn’t have a doctor yet to ask. She said she found lots of support there.
www.ivfconnections.com — My friend likes this site because it has very specific IVF information. It has more than 150 discussion boards, including an adoption board.
www.resolve.org — The last site she recommended is RESOLVE. It’s a 31-year-old organization dedicated to educate and support infertile couples. She said it has contacts for local support groups and general information on the site.
Tell us about your struggle and how you’ve dealt with it. What medical treatments have worked the best for you? What Web sites or books have served you well?
Permalink | Comments (48) | Categories: Health
The kindergarten diaspora
How do you deal when your child’s class in disbanded to create optimum class sizes?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We got the note yesterday – our daughter’s kindergarten class, which she has settled into so nicely for the last month, is being disbanded. They only had 13 kids in the class and the optimum number the school was seeking was 16. So they are collapsing two classes and spreading those children into the other eight kindergarten classes, which have already gelled.
They are also creating new classes in other grades where class sizes were too large. Our neighbor got a form where she could CHOOSE to move her child to the new class. We did not get a choice.
We understand the realities of school overcrowding. However, it seems like there has got to be a better way to estimate than to let children settle into a comfortable routine for a month only to have it ripped out from under them. Yes, there are worse things in the world that can happen. However, it’s particularly difficult for a kindergartener who is just getting used to school and has bonded with the teacher so well. Your child’s classroom is their whole world. Changing teachers and classmates midstream really messes wtih their feeling of stability.
Our daughter cried last night when we told her. She is so sad to lose her teacher and her friends. She prayed last night that she will like her new teacher. (Absolutely heartbreaking and nothing you can do about it.)
I don’t think our school is the only one to have to do this. How have you handled your child having to change classrooms? How do you help them feel good about it? What have you said to the school? What other changes should we expect to deal with in the future?
Permalink | Comments (22) | Categories: Education
Congratulations, you’re @#%!* pregnant
How did you tell your family you were expecting? What was the reaction?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In my daughter’s baby book there is a rare and precious artifact – a mini-cassette recording of me telling my husband that we were finally pregnant.
We had been trying to conceive for a frustrating 11 months and were scheduled for a painful procedure that week to figure out what was going on.
When the second little line on the home pregnancy test kits finally appeared, my journalist husband was working very, very long days at the Republican Convention in Philadelphia. I didn’t want to interrupt him during working hours, and I wanted to tell him in special way – not just a phone call.
In the ’60s, my mother had sent a telegram to my father’s Navy ship informing him that my brother had been born. I decided this was a romantic way to tell my husband he was going to be a Daddy. I sent a telegram to his hotel and left multiple messages with the front desk to please make sure he got it.
My husband phoned at 3 a.m. when he finally got to his room. The answering machine picked up downstairs (the reason I have a tape). Here is the gist of the conversation:
Michael: Why the @#%!* is the front-desk telling me I have to go downstairs? I’m tired and I just want to go to @#%!* bed.
Theresa: There’s something special for you at the desk. Just go get it.
Michael: I’m @#%!tired. I don’t want to go @#%! downstairs. Just tell me what the @#% it is. (There’s a few more minutes on the tape of me asking him to go downstairs to see what it is and him cussing at me that he was very tired. This is how the conversation ended:)
Theresa: I’m trying to tell you I’m finally @#%!* pregnant and you’re ruining it.
Michael: Oh.
Theresa: (click)
While my husband didn’t curse at me when I told him I was pregnant with our second child, he also didn’t believe me.
We were convinced it would take a whole year to get pregnant again. We weren’t really trying, but we weren’t being particularly cautious. We in fact had joked that month, “Yeah, like I’m going to get pregnant.�
We were heading to the first UGA football game of the season and were meeting my cousin for margaritas. I knew I was a few days late, so I took a pregnancy test just to be safe. (I’m neurotic so there are always pregnancy tests in the house). I ran upstairs to show him a second line had appeared signally I was pregnant. He absolutely refused to believe it until an actual doctor declared our son Walsh was on the way.
The most exciting part of our third pregnancy (that’s right, I’m now pregnant again) wasn’t telling my husband, but telling our 5-year-old daughter. She has been asking for a baby for more than a year.
We brought home the ultra sound from the 10-week appointment to show her.
We said, “What do you think that is in Mommy’s tummy?� She said, “Me.�
We said, “No, what else could it be?�
She said, “Walsh.�
We said, “No, what else?�
She said, “Is it poop? Is it pee?�
We said, “No, it’s a new baby in Mommy’s tummy.�
She flapped her arms up and down and ran around the room. “Mommy’s got a baby in her tummy. Mommy’s having a baby.�
Not only did my daughter give the best reaction to the news of our pregnancy, she is the absolute best at sharing the news.
Then she called my brother and said: “We have some very exciting news. Mommy went to the doctor and they found a baby in her tummy. Daddy was the most surprised. They showed me a picture and it wasn’t me or Walsh or poop or pee, it was the new baby.�
So far, so good. I’m starting my 15th week today (Sunday, sept, 10 and am due in March. With three little ones under the age of 6, there will be much more mania for this Mom.
Is it time for the first baby?
How do you know when the time is right? How do you know how many to have?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I got a great note this weekend from one of the regulars in our community. She’s not yet a mom but hopes to be one soon. She had lots of questions about becoming a mother that I will spread out over the next few weeks.
She writes: “While, I don’t have a child yet, I’m in the process of trying to convince my husband to move up our baby timeline.â€? She wants to know: how do you know when the time is right? How do you know how many kids to have?
A girlfriend of mine says the time is never right. She says you could always have more money saved, be in better physical condition, be in a better house or have a better situation somehow. She thinks you just have to go for it.
However, my midwives once told me that the body rejects pregnancy – won’t let you conceive — until your circumstances are good. I think this is true to a certain extent. However, I think there are some teenage mothers that would disagree.
How did YOU know that it was the right time to start your family? Did you wait until everything was perfect – money in the bank, house with three bedrooms – or did you just go with the feeling? Who lead the way down the baby path – was it the wife or the husband? I have a theory that women are generally there before the men. How did you know when your family was complete?
Permalink | Comments (92) | Categories: Family Life
Do you find TV or radio news too graphic for kids?
At what age can you discuss current events with your kids without scaring them?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I wanted to watch Katie Couric’s opening night last evening as anchor for the CBS news, but I quickly turned off the TV because of the images on the screen. The first report was from Afghanistan and showed armed Taliban fighters with guns and missile launchers. I noticed my 5-year-old daughter watching and quickly turned off the set. (I later went back to watch the broadcast and the first six minutes were all images of war.)
It’s not the first time I’ve turned off the TV or even the radio when I didn’t feel like the content was appropriate for little ears. (At this point I am not too worried about the newspaper because my 5-year-old couldn’t read enough to make complete sense of it.)
I’ve always loved current events and loved watching the news as a young girl, but am just not sure my kids are old enough to be inundated with images of war, footage of natural disasters or discussions of murder. (For example, we did discuss Hurricane Katrina with our daughter last fall, but I didn’t let her watch much of the footage.)
I guard what they watch on cartoons and regular programming, why should the news be any different?
Do you let your kids watch TV news (local or national) or listen to news on the radio? Do you find yourself turning it off and on to edit the content? At what age can you enter a discussion with your kids about current events without worrying about it scaring them?
Permalink | Comments (30) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Being a good sport about football season
Are you understanding or angry? Do you play along or play independent?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Time is up for Kristie Collier of Ellenwood to get all her big jobs done around the house. Football season has officially started and her football “fanatic� husband, as she calls him, is now off duty. Like a bear entering hibernation, Tim Collier has retreated into his “Man Room.�
This football-driven withdrawal generally lasts from Thursday night to Monday night.
Every now and then he’ll emerge – to go to work or to occasionally attend a live game. He played for Southwest DeKalb High School in the early ’90s and loves to see his old team on the field.
But he doesn’t have to leave the “Man Room� for much else. He’s got the DIRECTV NFL and college packages and a 55-inch screen, picture-in-picture TV. His personal refrigerator is stocked, and, for a while he even had walkie-talkies to communicate with his family. (One of their children lost one of the receivers – they need to buy another set.)
Kristie’s husband may be a little extreme, but he’s not all that unusual. Across the country, but especially in football-fixated Georgia, husbands are disappearing into basements to watch games, heading out to campuses to support their alma maters and analyzing fantasy football stats online like they’re CIA agents tracking al Qaeda.
Some wives may be good sports and try to get involved with their husbands’ first love, others just get angry.
Kristie says, “Initially it was like a constant battle.�
“But hey, I’ve learned that I can go shopping. This is my opportunity to sneak clothes into the house,� she said laughing. While she often proceeds independently on the weekends with her 4- and 2-year-old daughters, Kristie is trying to play along more. She has picked her own favorite team to follow (the Falcons) and is allowed in the Man Room to watch as long as she doesn’t ask a bunch of questions.
She even surprised her husband recently with airline and game tickets to an upcoming Dallas Cowboys home game.
Kellye Hill is another wife who is pretty understanding of her husband’s football habit. Kellye’s husband, Robert Hill, isn’t just a casual fan. He’s the offensive coordinator for four-time state champ Parkview High School. He’s coached at the school 17 years off and on, and they’ve been married for 8 years.
A longtime football fan, Kellye was the cheerleading coach at Parkview when they got together in 1995. It was the first year Parkview went to the state finals.
“We started dating at such an exciting time. The whole thing was kind of romantic – and then we started losing the next year. It lost its appeal.�
She’s only kidding. She did end up marrying the guy, but his coaching schedule is truly a test of any wife’s patience.
During the season, he’s gone Thursday until about 8 p.m. On Fridays he’s with the team until about midnight.
“Win, lose or draw, I’m not allowed to talk to him after the game. I’m usually asleep or I fake it – especially if they lost,� she says.
On Saturdays, he’s gone to the field house by 11 a.m. to watch film and then spends much of the day checking out youth league games at Mountain Park. On Sundays, he works noon to 10 p.m. looking at more game footage and preparing for the next week.
“I love the fact that he loves his job,â€? Kellye says. “I am extraordinarily independent. If someone was around all the time — that would bug me too.â€?
But the rub for Kellye, who teaches at Parkview and continues to coach the cheerleading squad, is this: “At the beginning of the school year, I’m going really, really hard. Football is more important than my problems.�
Many wives aren’t as understanding as Kellye. Take my pregnant friend who lives in Kentucky for example. She sent a note to vent recently – and the season hadn’t even started yet.
“My husband sits at lunch with me today and says ‘I can’t take it any more, baby. I have to buy that Madden game.’ Like he was saying ‘I can’t take it anymore, baby, I need a new organ.’�
She writes that she’s lucky that they don’t live near his alma mater, “but between all the televised NFL and college games, his four fantasy football leagues, Madden football and everything else, me and dog feel left out.�
She talked with him recently about toning down his sports obsession when the baby comes, but he’s already got a plan. He’ll use a baby carrier to strap the baby to him so his hands will remain free to he hold the PlayStation controller.
Hey, at least he’s willing to help with the baby during football season.
