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July 2006
Four minutes: From fun to panic
Have you ever lost your child? How did you handle it?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I really thought we would find him right away – within seconds, definitely within a minute. He sneaks off all the time. He’s a wanderer – on the playground, at friends’ houses. But he always turns up.
Four minutes after my 3-year-old son disappeared, I stopped searching for his upright head and shoulders in the pool and started looking for a much grimmer sight — his little body floating in the three-foot water.
I was trying to remain calm, but I couldn’t help thinking is “this how my child’s life was going to turn out?� Would he die doing something that was supposed to be fun?
Minutes earlier I had watched him climb through a tunnel half-flooded with water at the Mountain Park Aquatic Center. I didn’t think I could fit through the tunnel so I hustled around the the water jungle gym to meet him when he emerged on the other side.
As I reached the other side of the tunnel, I darted my eyes toward the front of the pool to check on my 5-year-old daughter (she was safe), and then I cut my eyes back to the tunnel. Why he hadn’t he come out? I leaned over to see if he had made a friend and was just sitting in the cool tunnel, but it was empty.
I was less than 2 feet away from him when he disappeared. I was in the pool. I wasn’t gabbing with my friends. I was completely concentrating on following my two children around the pool and making sure they were safe. How could he have gotten away?
At the Mountain Park pool water squirts from pipes and fountains. It’s dumped from overhead bins. It’s splashed in all directions making it very hard to see. The pool is mostly shallow water, but at the far end is an area for the older kids. It has two high water slides with deeper splash pools at the bottom and a lazy river that’s about waist deep on an adult with strong currents that pushes swimmers around.
I yelled to my two mom friends that I couldn’t find him. We all started spinning around, scanning the crowds of children.
I tried to tell myself to remain calm that we would find playing nearby. I comforted myself saying that at least my daredevil child had on the bright blue and orange life vest I had made him wear. If he had floated out toward the deeper end at least it would keep him upright.
Two minutes and no sign of him. Tears had started to well up. I told the lifeguard closest to us that my 3-year-old boy was missing, describing the life vest.
Meanwhile, my daughter, was crying and yelling, “Find my brother. Where’s my brother?� My girlfriends had the presence of mind to collect our other children onto the sidewalk.
By then I was convinced he wasn’t in the shallow end of the pool. I started looking toward the deeper end, toward that river with currents. Last summer, we watched a small child pulled out of that deeper end and a crowd of lifeguards bending down over the child giving CPR we assumed. We heard the ambulances screaming as they raced to the pool. I left that day thanking God that it hadn’t been my child.
Today was it going to be my child? I started to think what if he had taken off the vest? What if the current was too strong for him even with the vest and he had been forced under?
 I was heading toward the deeper part of the pool to search when I saw my little guy on the sidewalk by the water slides standing with a different lifeguard. I ran as quickly as I could through the water to grab him. I cried and held him and kissed him. The lifeguard wasn’t very specific about where he had been. I think he was just happy to have someone claim the little guy.
 My son’s version of what happened during those four and a half minutes gradually came out through the day. He had simply walked out of the pool behind my back as I waited for him to come out of the tunnel. He followed the sidewalk over to the big-kid waterslides and stood in a crowd watching the kids fly down the tubes. And there he stood for four and a half minutes screeching with joy while I was panicking less than 15 feet away. Have you ever lost your child? How did you handle it? Did you get help? How did you eventually (and let’s hope you did) find your child? Go to ajc.com/momania.
Do football and speed camps worry you?
Does the heat and pollution stress you out when your kids are doing pre-season workouts?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Parkview High School wraps up its pre-season football workouts today with a Speed Ball Tourney. Now, I don’t know exactly what that means, but it sounds hot enough to make some kids consider switching to an indoor sport.
I’m sure Parkview and the other Georgia schools are doing their best to protect their students and keep them hydrated. However, when you see even professional players die from the heat, it makes me wonder if parents are still worried about summer practices in Georgia.
As an extra problem for the coaches many of the last few days have been code red pollution days.
Do you worry about your children working out in extreme heat and breathing in bad air? What types of precautions do you take to help protect your teens during summer and early fall workouts? What types of precautions are the schools taking to help protect your kids?
Did you get a ‘push present’ for giving birth?
Does a woman deserve a pricey gift for getting her baby out of her?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Do diamonds reduce the pain of giving birth? Some moms think so, and are asking their husbands for “push presents� or gifts for carrying and birthing their babies.
Did you get a pricey present for pushing out your baby? Do you get one with each child? What does the gift mean to you? What does it mean to your husband? Did he do it willingly or did you have to drop a lot of hints?
I do remember when I gave birth to my daughter, some friends who also delivered around the same time getting fancy jewelry. They didn’t call it a “push present,� but I guess that’s what it was.
One article I found on push presents says that British fathers have long given rings for their first child and Indian mothers often get gold. That same article credits FOX News with coining the term.
Permalink | Comments (160) | Categories: Family Life
Adults intolerant of children should grow up
'Some people leave the house just looking for an excuse to judge parents'
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Should parents make sure their kids are well-behaved in adult settings, where there is a reasonable expectation of peace and quiet, such as a concert at Chastain, a movie with an adult theme, or a nice restaurant at night? Yes, they absolutely should.
Should adults expect quiet child-free experiences in other public places, such as a mall restaurant on an afternoon, a public pool or a family doctor’s office? No, they absolutely should not.
Some adults seem to think because they chose not to have children, or because their children are grown, that they can live in a world without laughing, yelling and running kids. That’s not possible, and it isn’t the responsibility of parents to make shopping trips, restaurant meals or plane rides as quiet as possible.
Staff writer Virginia Anderson writes about unruly kids in the Sunday Living section. She explores whether kids have gotten more out of control or if society is just less patient with children than it used to be.
Let’s look at some of the situations of “unruly children� from her article and decide if the children and parents were at fault, or if some people’s expectations are unreasonable.
In the lead of the story, Anderson introduces us to a woman who was dismayed when she arrived at a hotel to find 40 to 50 kids being loud in the swimming pool.
I can’t imagine a hotel pool with kids that wouldn’t be loud. Should the parents be shushing their children?
Kids: “Marco!�
Parents: “Shhhhhhhhhhhh.�
Kids (whispering): “Polo?�
To her credit, the woman didn’t complain to the hotel management about the pool. The woman went on to say that kids were screaming in the hallway after 9 p.m. and their parents were not correcting them. In this case, she had every right to correct those children, and she did.
Another woman in the article talked about her fear of being on “a long flight with a screaming baby and clueless parents who cannot comfort or quiet their offspring.�
This one makes me crazy. Don’t those who sit in judgment think parents want to comfort their children? Don’t they think it embarrasses parents to be unable to quiet their child in such an enclosed environment? Wouldn’t they assume the parents were doing their very best to try to help their child and not disturb other passengers?
Sometimes babies cry. And, sometimes babies fly. Parents should not be expected to be banned from the skies because some are offended by a crying infant. Passengers don’t buy peace and quiet when they purchased a ticket, they simply rented a seat.
I’ve got a fear about flying, too. It’s about being next to a rude adult, who yaks on his cell phone the whole time we’re at the gate, spills over his seat and armrest into mine and takes off his stinky shoes to get comfy.
Another woman in the article complained about shopping at a store during a tax-free weekend and being distracted by a screaming child. She said the mother just kept on shopping while the child yelled.
Now I wasn’t there, but I doubt that the mother was letting her child cry because she wanted to ruin the normally silent shopping experience. The child was probably screaming and crying so that the mom would get embarrassed and leave the store. Should the mother immediately stop what she is doing every time her child cries and give in to tantrums?
Or maybe, the child was simply tired, (no matter how well you plan around naps, kids get tired on outings), and the mother was trying to finish the task at hand as quickly as possible and get the heck out of there.
Yes, there are some parents who don’t take responsibility for their children’s actions and let them run wild. However, there are lots of public places where children are perfectly appropriate laughing, talking, playing or even crying.
I assume when I fly, and in most other situations, that parents are doing their very best to control their children. I give the parents the benefit of the doubt and my sympathy.
From the complaints I’ve heard and seen, however, it’s clear that some people leave the house just looking for an excuse to judge parents.
To me, the most beautiful sound on earth is the laughter, chatter and occasional yells from a gang of happy children. I don’t know how such happy sounds can fill so many others with anger.
Does your family use secret hand signals?
Is there a private code you use to communicate with your family?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Some families use referee-like signals or sign language-type codes to communicate things like “It’s time to leave” or “I love you.” Some use hand signals to say “I’ll take over from here” with the kids or to make inside jokes.
One of our reporters, Helen Oliviero, is working on a story about families who use these types of hand signals and is looking for parents who would be willing to share their secret hand codes in the newspaper.
Do you or anyone in your family use hand signals to communicate? If so, which ones are your favorites? And when are they good to use? If you are willing to talk to a reporter, please e-mail Helen at holiviero@ajc.com, and include a phone number where you can be reached.
When do you start sex education?
How much do you tell them and when?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We were playing with Play-Doh earlier this week with some visiting friends. My 3-year old son asked our friend’s 2-year-old daughter, “Do you have a pagina?� (We’ve taught him the right word; he just doesn’t pronounce it correctly yet. But pagina cracks me up.)
Then my 5-year-old daughter tells her brother “Yes, she does. All girls do. Then she says to our friend’s 5-year-old daughter, “And your Daddy has a penis.�
I’m like yes he does. I don’t want them to be ashamed of their bodies, but I really wanted them to move it along to a new topic.
We’ve always taught them the proper words for their private parts. We’ve talked a little about babies being inside of mommies’ bellies and how they give birth. They are very interested in the differences between boys and girls but have yet to ask how the babies get inside the mommies.
When did you start teaching your child about sex education? Where did you start? How much did you tell them and at what age? Do you use the proper words for their body parts?
Permalink | Comments (54) | Categories: Health
Are water restrictions stopping sprinkler play?
Are you still running the sprinkler or filling the baby pool for your kids despite water restrictions in many counties?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
How seriously do you take water restrictions? Have the more stringent rules affected your kids playing out back in the sprinkler or water slide? Do you think as long as no one sees you in the backyard, it’s OK?
In May, before we had any official water restrictions, we were playing out back in the sprinkler every day. They loved to use the spray nozzle to drench each other, sneak attack me and water our newly planted vegetable garden.
In early June, we only played in the water on our days (odd ones), but now the county’s new rules have restricted our supply during the hottest part of the day (No outdoor water use from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.).
I have friends who moved here from out of state who think that if they are using the water on their kids it’s OK. Other friends are planning to use kitchen water to fill the baby pool on their porch. We even got an invitation to a birthday party to play in a baby pool.
Are you bending the water rules? If so, how?
Permalink | Comments (65) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
My 5-year old loves the nightlife
Do your kids have trouble sleeping? What is your bedtime policy about playing in bed? When will you start preparations for the school year?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Almost every night from 9 to 11:30, my daughter’s room transforms.
Some nights it’s like Studio 54 – a star-studded dance club where all her stuffed animals come to see and be seen. There are costume changes and dancing. Intimate conversations take place between the bikini-clad koala bear and the magical purple unicorn. Beverages are served in classy Fisher Price plastic tea cups from the bathroom sink.
Other nights, she puts on Broadway-caliber performances, playing all the parts. There’s acting, singing and dancing. Her latest production is “The Princess and the Pea,� and it can be seen almost nightly.
Other nights her room becomes the local library. She sponsors a story time and reads books by nightlight to the stuffed-animal patrons. She also discusses many of the essentials of phonics with them.
Until now her late-nights haven’t really mattered that much. Her preschool didn’t start until 9:30 a.m. and even we could make that (well at least close to that).
But in four weeks, kindergarten begins, and I don’t think the Gwinnett County Public School system will be as understanding about tardiness as her preschool. So, we have one month to straighten out the whacked out body clock that has plagued her since birth.
She’s always been a terrible sleeper. She hated her crib and climbed out of her toddler bed constantly. She gave up naps at 16 months and still fought us when it was time to go to sleep.
After two years of wrestling with her to keep her in her bed or rubbing her back and singing to her to help her relax, we were thrilled when she finally figured out if she just stayed somewhat quietly in her bed, we didn’t really care what she did until she fell asleep. Hence her late-night raves and performances began.
We do the calming nighttime routines all the books recommend – bath, books, bed. Even without a nap, even with lots of physical activity, even with putting her to bed between 8 and 9 p.m., she still has a very difficult time slowing down her engines and falling asleep.
I think her issue has more to do with genetics and metabolism than nighttime rituals. Her father and I are both high-energy night people. While I need to sleep in after staying up late, my husband can stay up until 2 or 3 a.m. and be ready to roll by 7:30 a.m. with very few ill effects. My daughter likes to stay up late and sleep in. She’d be a great night club owner or sports writer. Even when we get her up as early as 6 a.m., it doesn’t slow her down. She’ll still be in her bed wide awake at 10 p.m. On our recent trip to Hawaii, we were certain the kids would sleep part of the 10-hour flight. We had to wake them up at 4:45 a.m. to leave. As soon as the first leg of the flight to Salt Lake City took off, my son curled up next to his Daddy and fell asleep for the entire flight. Meanwhile my daughter played with her dolls, read books, did dot-to-dot drawings and played with her little airline snack.
Surely she would have to sleep on the second leg of the flight? Wrong.
I brought one of her baby blankets along and snuggled her up in it. We had an extra seat next to us so she stretched out with her head in my lap. I stroked her hair and tickled her back and waited for the inevitable. But she never even closed her eyes.
When we got to our hotel she wanted to swim and explore. We finally got to bed at 8 p.m. Hawaii time. My 5-year-old was up 22 hours straight, and never even yawned or complained about being tired. The jet-lag hasn’t helped our cause at home.
Two weeks ago she was staying up until 3 a.m. Atlanta time (9 p.m. Hawaii time) putting on her little extravaganzas. She’s finally back to her normal time of 11 p.m.
So my game plan for the next four weeks is to wake her up at an ungodly early hour and make her take long family walks after dinner to wear her out and help her drop off to sleep sooner. Hopefully, we can get on some type of decent schedule before the big yellow bus rolls into our neighborhood on Aug. 14.
Should parents be allowed to pick sex of baby?
England may ban certain sex-selecting techniques
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Should parents be allowed to select the sex of their baby to help even out their families?
The United Kingdom’s Health Minister Caroline Flint doesn’t think so and may be introducing a ban in her country on new embryonic techniques for choosing gender. This Is London’s Web site reports Flint saying, “Allowing parents to pick sex for reasons such as ‘balancing’ the make-up of their family could be the start of a ‘slippery slope’ to designer babies.�
Many of the articles I read on the story were not completely clear on what these embryonic techniques are. The This Is London article mentioned preimplantation genetic diagnosis, where parents who carry genetic diseases can screen for faulty genes. However, it didn’t say if doctors were using that to predict the sex of the child. Although, an older article in The Scotsman talked about two other techniques – scanning for the sex of the baby in utero and sperm sorting, where the women is inseminated with only the sperm that would produce the sex she wants. (This technique is said to be 70 to 80 percent effective according to the different stories I read.)
Do you think parents should be able to sort sperm by sex? Do you think they should be able to screen and scan in utero and terminate a pregnancy if they are not happy with the sex? Is sex a good enough reason to terminate?
Permalink | Comments (51) | Categories: Ethics of rearing kids today
Can you animal train your spouse?
Author proves exotic animal training techniques work on husbands, as well as hyenas, cougars and dolphins.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
While writing a book about exotic animal training, Amy Sutherland decided to try the techniques on her husband. She recently wrote about the experience for The New York Times and her article became one of the top e-mailed stories of last week. I can’t link to the story because you have to register to read it. It ran on June 25 if you want to register and read it in its entirety. However, here is the gist of the story:
Sutherland writes: “The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don’t. After all, you don’t get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband. …â€?
Sutherland first attempted approximations. This means she rewarded her husband for small steps toward learning a new behavior.
“With the baboon you first reward a hop, then a bigger hop, then an even bigger hop. With Scott the husband, I began to praise every small act every time: if he drove just a mile an hour slower, tossed one pair of shorts into the hamper, or was on time for anything….�
Sutherland tried other techniques as well. One was called incompatible behavior, where the subject can’t do something that bothers you because you have him doing another task. For example, Sutherland explained how she would give her husband cheese to grate at the other end of the kitchen to keep him from crowding her while she cooked.
She also tried the least reinforcing syndrome, where you don’t give any response for a behavior you don’t like. The idea being if the behavior provokes no response it will stop.
Sutherland writes: “After two years of exotic animal training, my marriage is far smoother, my husband much easier to love. I used to take his faults personally; his dirty clothes on the floor were an affront, a symbol of how he didn’t care enough about me. But thinking of my husband as an exotic species gave me the distance I needed to consider our differences more objectively.â€?
One important note though, Sutherland points out that some behaviors can’t be trained away. She says you can’t stop a badger from digging, and you can’t teach her husband how not to lose his keys.
Sutherland did eventually tell her husband what she was up to and he approved. Also by the end of the story, he was using some of the techniques on her as well.
What do you think of these techniques? Is it wrong to “train� your spouse? Do you think they would work for you?
Permalink | Comments (25) | Categories: Battles between Mom and Dad
Going the distance to not resent spouse
Stay-at-home mom discovers business trips not be all fun and games.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I owe my husband an apology.
I have been under the impression that his business trips are actually a fun time away from the family. He would eat at fantastic restaurants, drink with colleagues and stay at nice hotels on someone else’s nickel. While I was bathing the kids and preparing them for bed at home, he got to sleep alone in a big bed without tiny interlopers coming in at 3 a.m.
The kids and I recently tagged along on a business trip to Hawaii and I saw first-hand how hard my husband actually works. Actually I didn’t see – we were only with him about an hour each day and that was just because we were in bed as he was showering and shaving for 8 a.m. meetings. I felt guilty about my misimpressions, but I think they were understandable.
When my husband is on the road, I never try to reach him during the day because I know he’s usually with colleagues or in meetings. After I get the kids fed, bathed and put to bed, I call him. This is how I got the idea that his trips were more pleasure than business.
Take for example, last October. After two weeks in Mississippi right after Hurricane Katrina, my journalist husband went to Texas to help cover Hurricane Rita. A week later, he went to New Orleans. The water had been turned back on, but you couldn’t drink it or even wash your hands with it. The newsroom was running on generators with 30 people jammed into a converted hotel meeting room. I felt bad for him having to work long hours in these conditions.
I called one night to make sure he was OK. When he answered his cell phone, all I could hear was loud Zydeco music and yelling.
Me: “Where are you?�
Him: “At a bar.�
Me: “What bar? Aren’t they all closed?�
Him: “They just re-opened the French Quarter.�
Me: “Well, who’s there to party? They evacuated the city.�
Him: “The firefighters and rescue workers. I’m drinking a new margarita. They’re calling it the KatrinaRita.
I understood the need to unwind working in such stressful conditions, but this call solidified my feeling that business trips weren’t all that bad.
Later that year, he was sent to Miami for a meeting. I called to check in around dinner time. “Where are you?�
“Little Havana. We’re having Mojitos and watching salsa dancers.�
I just couldn’t feel that sorry for him.
About a month ago, he attended a convention in Ft. Lauderdale. I called around 11 p.m. and couldn’t get him to pick up. I got worried and kept calling. He finally answered.
Me: “Are you OK? Where are you? You weren’t picking up.�
Him: “I was busy.�
Me: “At midnight?�
Him: “They made us all go to a casino. I was playing poker.�
They made him go — right.
However, in Hawaii I think I got a more realistic impression of what my husband’s business trips and conventions are really like. We landed on a Tuesday and he spent approximately two hours on the beach that afternoon. He didn’t see the ocean or pool area again until Saturday. He spent each day in hotel meeting rooms that sadly look the same in Honolulu as they do in Des Moines. His dinners were either non-existent or rubbery. He did go out at night with colleagues and people he was trying to recruit, but it was mostly to karaoke bars, which he’s not really into. By the end of the week he was exhausted. You could see the stress in his face and his stomach was completely out of whack.
I have been enlightened, and I will try to more sympathetic and less jealous of his business travels.
Do you think your spouse has fun traveling for business? Do you travel for business? Are your trips more fun or more work? > ajcmomania@gmail.com
Do your kids do chores?
When did they start? Do you pay them?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Today in the Living section, you’ll find a story exploring kids and chores. The story quotes John Rosemond’s Bill of Rights for Children as saying: “Because it is the most character-building activity a child can engage in, children have the right to share significantly in the doing of household chores.” Another expert in the story says children as young as 2 can be helping around the house.
Do you require your kids to do chores? If so, what do they do? What age did you start making them do chores? Do you give them an allowance for doing the work or is it just understood that everyone in the family has to help out?
We can’t wait until our 3-year-old can cut the grass. But for now I’m just happy if he picks his marbles up off the floor so we don’t fall on them.
I need to do a better job making my kids do chores. They are quite terrible at picking up because I wind up doing for them (it’s easier than nagging them) —- I know, I know they’ll never learn to do it that way.
Tell us what your kids are helping out with and how you got them to do it.
Permalink | Comments (59) | Categories: Family Life
Are you teaching your kids patriotism?
Is it important to teach? How are you teaching it?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Did you talk with your kids about patriotism and the birth of the nation on July 4th or was it all picnics and firecrackers? What do you tell them about the concept? Do you talk about it at other times of the year?
My husband comes from a military family and grew up on military bases all over the world. I think his family dealt with and talked about patriotism on a daily basis. My father served in the military during Vietnam, but was not a career soldier. However, my parents always made it a point to teach us about our nation’s history, often through trips to historical cities and sites (Philadelphia, Washington D.C., Williamsburg, and Savannah).
Our family recently visited two important historical sites in Hawaii. We took the children to see Pearl Harbor. We didn’t go out on the boat to board the USS Arizona Memorial, but we did visit the museum and artifacts on the mainland across from where the USS Arizona sank. We used the photos and graphics to explain to the children what happened there and why the site was important.
We also visited the Punchbowl, which is the National Memorial Cemetery of the Pacific (veterans of World War II, Korea and Vietnam are buried there). It was extremely beautiful and moving. It is built in a volcanic crater and looks down upon Honolulu. There are 28,000 names carved in walls around the cemetery of soldiers whose bodies were never returned to the United States. We tried to explain to our kids that soldiers had given their lives for the country and fought to keep it free. We tried to make them understand how respectful they needed to act while we visited the memorial.
I think the 5-year-old got it. I think the 3-year-old saw a bunch of boats and a large grass field he wanted to run in.
Permalink | Comments (49) | Categories: Education
