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April 2006
Moms work wherever and whenever
How do you keep kids occupied while trying to work? Tell us your war stories about working at home?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My editor was a bit surprised when I told her that I wrote a column from my car in the Publix parking lot.
It made perfect sense to me. I was going to get the family groceries and was actually alone. I didn’t have two children yelling. There was no TV blaring or dog yapping. Just a pen, some paper and a little bit of quiet.
Whether you work outside the house or stay at home, all mothers have tasks that must be completed each day to keep their families afloat. And simple things like balancing a checkbook, making a grocery list or finishing some work from your office can frustrate even the most diligent when her children are underfoot (or when she’s wondering what her little darlings are doing so quietly upstairs).
Workers often compare themselves to that fellow Sisyphus from the Greek myth who was condemned to an eternity of pushing a boulder up a hill only to watch it roll back down. But I think for the comparison to truly work for mothers, he would need small dogs nipping at his heels while he pushed.
Patty Bedlan of Snellville knows that feeling – for every task that is accomplished, another is created. Bedlan’s four boys are all under 6. Last week, while upstairs bathing her 6-month-old, the 2-year-old twins stopped up the bathroom sink downstairs and flooded the floor. The next day, she went upstairs to check her e-mail. When she returned, the twins were removing the contents of the refrigerator. They had dumped a pitcher of pink lemonade, half gallon of milk and started opening the condiments.
Laura Todd is one of those moms who stays up late into the night to work. The Lilburn mother of a 5- and 2-year-old runs a children’s clothing company from her home.
Cutting and sewing her spring line, Todd would stay up until 3 a.m. and then rise at 7:30 a.m. to get her 5-year-old off to preschool and to care for her 2-year-old for the rest of the day. Spreading out fabric, cutting and sewing is next to impossible with a 2-year-old chasing the cat across the dining room floor.
I stupidly try to work during daylight hours. I work out of our kitchen for the most part so I can keep tabs on my kids. I have a secondary office where I take most of my business calls (unless I have to type) — it’s my downstairs bathroom. It’s lockable but still close enough for me to monitor their secret plans.
Writing with little ones running around is tough. Doing phone phone interviews is nearly impossible and often embarrassing.
My son was about 1-year-old when I started writing again. The morning of my first phone interview I settled him on the floor to watch “Sesame Street.� I thought Elmo would keep him occupied long enough for me to talk to a travel expert, whom I did not tell I had a baby in the house. (I was trying to be professional.) Three-minutes into the interview, Walsh crawled into the kitchen and wanted in my lap. I didn’t want him to start crying, and give me away. The only distraction I had that I could reach and keep typing was a box of Cheerios. So I started tossing them to him like he was a little show dog. He chased them around the kitchen floor and was thankfully happy just as long I kept chunking him little treats.
As he got older, his climbing abilities improved. A few months later while I was doing another phone interview he started climbing the shelves of the panty. He was a good five feet off the ground when I decided I had to rescue him. I was too embarrassed to tell the source, so I just pretended I was listening and vigorously typing. I added emphatic “yeses� and “uh huhs�. Meanwhile, I was 10 feet away from the computer pulling my son down out of the pantry.
I try to write while my kids are in preschool, but even the dog has gotten into the act. He barks and howls at me whenever I sit at the desk. Much like my son, he wants treats thrown to him while I’m typing. I may have to find a preschool for him too.
Permalink | Comments (31) | Categories: General Frustrations of Motherhood
What are your rules for prom?
Is it an all-night affair? Or does the coach turn back into a pumpkin at midnight?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
What are the rules for prom these days? Do they get to stay out all night or do they have a curfew? Do you help them get a hotel room for a party or invite them back to your house to celebrate with their friends? Are you worried about drinking and driving? (Check out this story about a mom who was charged with letting her kid’s friends drink at her house.)
Do you allow a boy-girl sleepover or are they awake the whole time? Does prom still have the same lose-your-virginity vibe or is it more about a party these days? Did you give your child any advice from your prom? (Check out this story about moms reliving their proms.)
Permalink | Comments (73) | Categories: Education, Ethics of rearing kids today
Is Googling old crushes OK?
What do you do with the information if you find it?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Is it OK to Google old crushes or boyfriends? Would your spouse freak out? Would you even tell your spouse?
What would you do if you actually located the person and found an e-mail address or phone number for them? Would you ask permission or at least tell your spouse that you were making contact with the person?
Last week, I was talking with a girlfriend about boys that we thought were cute in college. Then we started talking about boys that we thought were cute in high school. This in turn led to us Googling the cute boys.
Well, I found one boy on my list. We were good friends in high school, and I just adored him. I hadn’t talked to him since my 10th high school reunion, which was six years ago. (I learned at the reunion he was married and had a baby. He lives several states away.) I found a site with his photo and e-mail address. (Here’s a researching hint gals: Use Google Images so you can see how they are aging.)
My husband was out of town at the time. I called him to check in later that evening, and I told him I had found this person and that I was planning to send him an e-mail. He said, “Whatever.” (Later, he admitted he was a little jealous.)
I did e-mail my friend and he wrote back right away — a very sweet, yet innocent note that I offered to let my husband read.
Last night while reading this entry, my husband told me that he had been Googling girls since Google was invented. (Hmm, my opinion may be changing on this topic.)
Is Googling a slippery slope or a perfectly fine way to reconnect with old classmates?
Permalink | Comments (34) | Categories: Battles between Mom and Dad
Waiting for husband’s game playing to end
Some relationships have been short and intense. Other love affairs have lasted longer than our marriage.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It’s 10 p.m., and the kids are finally asleep. We’re lying in bed, watching TV, and my husband gives me an inquisitive, sheepish look. I know what he wants — I’ve seen that look since we were in college.
He wants to go play videogames with his friends.
There have always been electronic mistresses between us. Some relationships have been short and intense, like the Mortal Kombat craze. Others, like his affair with John Madden football, have lasted longer than our 12-year marriage.
In college, I would visit him at his apartment where he, his two-roommates and often a guy from downstairs would crowd around the TV playing Super Nintendo talking trash to each other. Sometimes I would chat with the other girlfriends. Other times I would just head upstairs and study while I waited for him to finish playing. I consoled myself that after we were married, I wouldn’t have to worry about the Mario Brothers anymore.
And I was right — at least for a while. Once the college roommates were separated and scattered, I was rarely passed over for a videogame. But the advent of online gaming has brought these guys back together.
From McDonough to Marietta, to my brother in Loganville to Michael’s brother in North Carolina — these thirty-somethings are all wasting time and killing brain cells playing X-Box online late into the night.
X-Box Live has these little headsets so players can communicate. Most gamers use them to strategize, talk trash or announce they need a break to get high. But middle-age gamers like my husband’s pals use them to explain that they have to pause because their baby is crying or because their toddler needs help on the potty.
When the whole crew is working together, they sound like Navy SEALS planning complicated assaults in Halo 2, only they often get slaughtered by a bunch of guys not yet old enough to shave. My husband responds with clever taunts like, “Well, if I had no life, I guess I’d be able to practice 14 hours a day like you obviously do.�
They have made some cross-generational friends. They often play with a Canadian high school student, sometimes helping him with his trig homework so he doesn’t have to log off to study. I understand why my husband and his friends still like to play. They grew up at video arcades in the ’80s and majored in Sega and Nintendo at college. So it only makes sense that, even as they became responsible adults, they still enjoy the excitement of NBA 2K6 or the challenge of Ghost Recon.
Playing a couple times a week helps my husband decompress. He comes home from long hours at the office and a brutal commute, helps me bathe the kids and put them to bed, and then wants to relax.
But just like in college, his game playing leaves me waiting. Call me a bad wife, but I’m not going to sit there and marvel at the perfect play-call that he made on 3rd and long to defeat some 12-year-old from Wisconsin.
He’ll wander into bed around 1 a.m., and I’ll be completely out cold — so there’s no talking earlier in the evening and no hanky panky later that night.
While I am annoyed by these late nights of game play, it could definitely be worse. He could be playing online poker with real money. He could spend every weekend playing golf. He could be getting drunk or smoking pot, or he could have a real mistress instead of an electronic one.
Does your husband abandon you at night to play with his friends online? Does his game playing interfere with your love life or quality time together?
Permalink | Comments (28) | Categories: Battles between Mom and Dad
How are you teaching your kids about nature?
Are they learning about the outside world by watching TV or actually experiencing it?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A friend of mine sent me an essay from her college-age daughter. The essay was in response to a story they read in class called “The Geography of Childhood.� The gist of this story was that children today learn about nature through television rather than through personal experience. The story indicated that children aren’t learning about the Earth though oral tradition or direct interaction anymore.
Her daughter wrote the sweetest response talking about all the different ways her parents enabled her to experience nature for herself – playing in the creek behind their house, exploring the forest at the end of their cul-de-sac, summer camp, Girl Scouts, beach trips and camping trips.
We do spend a lot of time out back (despite my snake infestation). We have loads of wildlife in our suburban backyard – a heron, lots of bunnies, frogs, spiders, hawks, geese, and sometimes a fox. We always plant a garden and are currently watching seeds grow in little cups inside the house. We love exploring the beach and animals in the ocean and by the sea.
We probably should do a camping trip at some point. (During our last trip to Blood Mountain long before we had kids I freaked out convinced someone was going to kill us in the cabin – not sure I would do so well in a tent.)
How are you teaching your kids about nature? Do you agree with the theory that they are learning more about nature from TV than from hands-on experiences?
Permalink | Comments (29) | Categories: Education
Are you having more sex than the average?
You may be doing better than you think!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It seems like husbands are always the first to complain that they’re not getting it enough – but what is enough? How do you know how you compare to other married couples? Maybe you’re actually getting lucky a lot? Well, here’s some help figuring out where you stand.
According to an article in the May 2006 edition of Esquire magazine, the national average for men having sex is 58 times a year.
The article doesn’t tell us how they arrived at that number. Since it offers no explanation, I am assuming it includes married and singles. I avoided stats class in college, but wouldn’t that number be the same for women? I guess not if they were including man-on-man sex as well, but it doesn’t specify on that either.
Nevertheless, I like this number because we are, thankfully, above it.
The article goes on to say that the more often a man has sex, the longer he will live. (Oh boy, I can hear the argument now, “But honey if you want me to live longer, you’ll do it with me!)
It says that if a man has sex 116 times a year, he will add 1.6 years to his life. If he has sex 350 times a year, he will add 8 years. (That’s got to be with different women because even the nicest wives aren’t putting out that much.)
Alice, the MOMania researcher, found a bunch of other fun sex stats for us, but I’m going to wait and dole those out later.
Tell us how your number compares to the national average and if your husband thinks your number is acceptable or too low. Remember you’re anonymous – I’m the one with my name and photo at the top of the page.
Permalink | Comments (267) | Categories: Battles between Mom and Dad
Strap in the kids
The joys of car trips.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’ve always loved road trips — the wind in my hair, the radio blasting and the excitement of heading somewhere new.
As a mom, I love road trips for different reasons — my kids can’t do much damage strapped in their car seats, my husband can’t escape conversation and I can finish projects that require blocks of solid concentration time.
With my children in their car seats, I can let my guard down knowing they aren’t climbing the pantry shelves in search of gummy worms, creating an “ocean” in the bathroom sink or making lemonade with random ingredients left on the kitchen counter.
There are fewer fights to referee because they can’t reach each other. Oh, they try! They stretch, employ long toys as weapons and occasionally throw things, but it’s much easier to break up than their usual WrestleMania bouts.
Their perpetual motion is suspended. The 2-year-old, who spends most afternoons throwing balls and channeling superheroes, slows down enough to nap. His sister, who usually sleeps less than a medical resident, might even be lulled to rest as well by the rhythmic sound of the rubber meeting the road.
I, too, get to drift off in the middle of the afternoon. This is a huge treat because my kids don’t take naps anymore, and as all moms know you don’t get to sleep unless they are.
Between my husband’s work, travel schedule and our completely different tastes in TV, we rarely sit down next to each other for more than an hour each day. Generally, if I start talking about my girlfriends’ lives he picks up the remote or closes the bathroom door.
But on our recent trip to Florida, he had nothing to do except hold the steering wheel and listen for 16 hours. He brainstormed ideas with me for the column. We talked about our finances and plans for summer vacation. He told me all the gossip from work, as well as his frustrations. And, he synopsized all the interesting articles he’s read lately (journalist love!).
Not only are road trips relaxing for me, they are also productive. When we decide to take a car trip, I immediately start planning all the projects I can complete that I would not attempt while my Tasmanian Devils are whirling about.
While my children can still be loud and a little annoying (kicking the back of my seat or singing “Do Your Ears Hang Low” at the top of their lungs), they can’t get their grubby little hands on what I’m working on.
On past trips, I have organized hundreds of baby photos into albums, paid bills, balanced my checkbook, addressed Christmas cards and painted my toenails.
On this most recent visit, I read an 870-page book, did research for an upcoming story and completed a New York Times Magazine cover story in one shot. Do you know how many bathroom visits that would normally take at home?
An unexpected pleasure on the trip was actually walking into a convenience store. Generally, I swipe my card and drive away. No mom in her right mind would unhook her children from their car seats and take them into a gas station unless they were about to poop their pants.
I was overwhelmed by the choices. Much to the annoyance of the early-morning regulars, I stood in front of the dispenser trying to figure out which drink was the better deal (20 more ounces for just 9 more cents!!) and which top went with which enormous cup. And when did straws start coming in different sizes?
We’re going on the road again in a few weeks. I’m already thinking about getting the family budget done and sucking down a Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke from a giant straw in a ridiculously-sized cup!
Permalink | Comments (68) | Categories: Family Life
How hard is it to get your family ready for church?
Tell us what goes in to getting them up and out the door, especially on holidays like Easter.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
What does it take to get your family to church on Sunday (or Saturday – depending on your religion)? What time do you get up? What time do you get the kids up? Do you dress them to the nines or just hope to get out the door with no stains on their shirts? Do you actually make it on time or perpetually walk in late?
How much more effort goes into it when it’s a holiday like Easter?
Coming this Sunday in Living, Nancy Albritton, a mother of six and an AJC editor, tells us how she managed to get her family (including five girls) into the pew on Easter mornings.
Please share your stories with us here and then check out hers on Sunday.
Permalink | Comments (48) | Categories: Family Life
How do you teach your kids about crucifixion, resurrection?
How do you handle teaching fundamental religious beliefs that aren’t so rosy?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Easter offers tough topics for parents to teach — a violent crucifixion and difficult-to-comprehend resurrection. How do you handle these topics? Have you tried to offer an explanation of each or do you just hope the kids aren’t really paying attention to what the preacher is saying? What is an appropriate age to try to explain these fundamental Christian beliefs?
Last summer I was teaching Vacation Bible School to some rising second graders. They kept asking questions about Jesus’ crucifixion. They wanted to know where the nails were, where the cut was in his side, what he actually died from on the cross. Great questions, but I just wasn’t sure what their parents would want me to say. I tried to answer as honestly as I could without getting gruesome or offering more than they asked.
I was thinking about attending the Stations of the Cross this Friday at our church, but then I worried my 4-year-old, almost 5, would be upset by focusing so closely on the path of Jesus’ death (I don’t think the 2-year-old will notice.). I haven’t quite decided what to do.
If you are Jewish, Muslim or another faith, are there tough topics to try to explain that are fundamental to your faith? How do you try to teach them to your children? What age did you begin the process?
Permalink | Comments (200) | Categories: Education
Condi Rice and I share similar challenges
She's trying to contain Iran's nuclear program. I'm trying to control my kid's birthday parties
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Rose gets help from her father, Michael Giarrusso, blowing out birthday candles as friends watch.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and I are working on very similar projects. She’s trying to keep Iran from expanding its nuclear program, and I am trying to plan two birthday parties for preschoolers.
Both projects involve lots of people, lots of research and an extremely combustible result if things don’t go well.
I admit it. I’m one of those mothers who put way too much time, energy and effort into planning children’s birthday parties. It’s not that I have a whole bunch of extra time on my hands; it’s more that I’m indecisive and want the parties to be memorable for my kids.
Compounding the situation, we have entered our family’s Bermuda Triangle of Birthdays. Within a six-week period, we celebrate my nephew, my niece, my daughter, my son and my birthdays. (Note to self: no more sex in July or August.)
Each year I start out saying we’re just going to keep it simple, but invariably we end up spending hundreds of dollars, invite way too many guests and need my parents, sweet neighbors and other moms to help keep the party running smoothly.
Take last year with more than 40 guests at our daughter’s party. How does a 4-year-old know that many people?
Here’s the math: You invite family, family friends and their kids, and the entire preschool class (You can’t leave anyone out — that would rude!). Plus, because we’re not at the drop-off age yet, one parent comes, and that usually means siblings too. (People generally ask about the sibs, but I would feel bad saying no.) We even had one child accompanied by both parents and a set of visiting grandparents. (Again, couldn’t say no.)
We rented a pavilion at a local park because we knew our house wouldn’t be big enough. The cowgirl-theme party involved more than a dozen pizzas, a homemade horseshoe cake, more than two dozen cupcakes, stick-horse races, a water-gun shooting gallery, and cowboy hats for all.
The kids had a great time. The adults still comment on it a year later, but it was definitely out of hand.
My son’s party two weeks later was much smaller. At age 2, there was no preschool class to invite. However, I spent way too much time researching recipes and decorating a figure-eight race track cake using green and brown sprinkles to create the track and infield. White oblong candies marked the lanes and itty, bitty cars raced on top. (I searched and searched but failed to find tiny RVs).
My son loved it and still shrieks “There’s my car cake,� when the photos flash on our computer screen.
My “most ridiculousâ€? cake record is six hours spent decorating my then 3-year-old daughter’s dream cake — a bust of Cinderella. After calling multiple bakers, I learned that they don’t make face cakes because of copyright infringement, and the thousands of dots of icing required is not cost-effective to create. (I should have taken the hint that if it’s too time consuming for a professional baker, I shouldn’t take on this project!)
Though I had never used a pastry bag, I had to step up to the oven. After consults with my crafty Godmother and my next-door neighbor, I used 12 different shades of homemade icing to squirt-by-number Cinderella’s face and clothes. She was little bit cross-eyed, as was I after completing her. However, my daughter loved it, and so did all her little princess girlfriends.
This year we’re thinking of combining parties. Each child wants a super hero party and a lot of the guests would be the same. My girlfriend has offered to help sew pink super hero capes for girls and black ones for boys. I think this is a wonderful idea, but now I’m baking AND sewing for preschoolers’ parties. Is that crazy or just being a loving mom?
Permalink | Comments (73) | Categories: General Frustrations of Motherhood
Should Mom celebrate birthday with kids or take some me time?
How do you balance family celebration with special time for yourself?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I am celebrating my 34th birthday on Saturday. I am torn between taking some quiet time for myself or spending the day with my family. I feel like my birthday is the perfect excuse to get to do whatever I want to do, so I don’t want to squander it. But I also feel like if I do something alone in the morning, then I shouldn’t go out to dinner with my husband without the kids that night.
How do you usually celebrate your birthday? Do you spend the time with your kids or do you sneak away to do something nice for yourself? Do you do a quiet dinner with your husband out or stay home for a family party?
Permalink | Comments (60) | Categories: General Frustrations of Motherhood
Do you ask ‘permission’ to go out with friends?
Do you check with your husband to make sure it’s OK before you make plans or just say yes? What does your husband do?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When I invited a few ladies to a little get-together last week, it was very interesting to see who just said “Yes� and who said they needed to check with their husband. I would even ask the ones who just said “Yes,� “Are you sure? Do you need to ask your husband to make sure he’s OK keeping the kids?� I was impressed when they would just say, “No, I’ll just tell him I’m going out.�
I was surprised. For all my women’s lib attitude, I’m afraid I am definitely a wife who would ask her husband to make sure it was OK to be away and to make sure he could take the kids that evening.
Is checking in to make sure he can watch the kids the polite thing to do or the chicken-woman thing to do?
How do you handle going to events without your kids? Is it safe to automatically assume your husband will baby sit? What about the reverse? Does he ask you if it’s OK to go out with friends or just tell you he’ll be gone on Friday night?
Permalink | Comments (56) | Categories: Battles between Mom and Dad
‘Destructive’ describes trip to Grandpa’s
What are your visits like to in-laws? How do you deal with houses that aren’t child-proofed?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We’re planning a visit to my father-in-law’s house in Florida this weekend.
We haven’t been there in about two years. Our last two visits didn’t go that well.
It’s not that the kids don’t love their grandfather, his wife and their daughter. It’s just that my father-in-law, a former Green Beret, is afraid of my children. He’s convinced my sweet little 4- and 2-year-old will damage his house and destroy his bric-a-brac.
I’d love to tell you my father-in-law is wrong, but our track record suggests otherwise.
My father-in-law’s house is a minefield of breakable baubles. When you enter the front door, take one step to the left and crash, you hit a matching Capo di Monti porcelain birdbath and fragile flowers. Walk a little further into the living room and BOOM, you’re on top of the glass curio with dozens of Hummels and Lladro figurines that my daughter wants to play with. Take a step to the right, and BAM, there’s the glass curio table at a perfect height for a toddler to open.
My father-in-law has raised three children in this environment — although my husband and his brother say the knick-knacks have multiplied since they left home. The boys never horsed around the breakables because they were terrified of their parents. Their sister never had to be threatened - she has always been a very mild-mannered child. My kids have no such fear of their lovable Grandpa, and even with four adults playing defense they are capable of destroying decades of European souvenirs in a weekend.
As soon as we walk in the door, my father-in-law is on alert. His head is on a swivel and he is low to the ground, working harder than he has since officer candidate school.
As my daughter checks out the nutcrackers from Germany, Grandpa swoops in to place them above the refrigerator — a safety zone that is rapidly running out of space. He shadows my son for hours, but when the little guy sees an opening, he heads straight for the glass table with the baseballs signed by Ted Williams and Chipper Jones. Grandpa pounces, but too late. The baseballs get drooled on and the table’s jury-rigged hinge is broken again. (I don’t really think we can be blamed for that one.)
Later, while my daughter mauls a plant my late mother-in-law grew; my son takes advantage of the distraction to reprogram Grandpa’s VCR.
But the kids aren’t the only ones who have had problems. During a visit while I was pregnant, I lost my balance while my daughter and I were showering off beach sand. I fell, ripping the cemented soap dish off of the wall and damaging the tub’s surface. As I’m lying there naked, trying to evaluate if my 2-year-old, the unborn baby or I am hurt, my husband walks in. “You’re going to have to tell my Dad,” is all he says.
This was a while ago, and the kids are older and much more disciplined. However, Grandpa is still scared. When we called to set up the visit, he paused and you could tell he was surveying the house for potential targets. My husband’s final words as he hung up the phone were, “They’re actually not that bad, if they run around outside a lot.”
How do you handle visits to the in-laws? How do you deal with houses that aren’t child-proofed? Log on to ajc.com/health to tell your stories.
Permalink | Comments (47) | Categories: General Frustrations of Motherhood
