MOMania

By Allison

March 29, 2006 08:20 AM | Link to this

In our home, my husband does the laundry (or at least starts it and I’ll take it out and put it away if he hasn’t already), starts the dishwasher, and cooks; I help with the cleaning and putting away/organizing laundry. Since he’s home all afternoon while I’m still at work, it works out better that way, and it gives him something to do while our toddler is napping. I’ve found that he does better when I’m not dictating what needs to be done on a particular day, as long as it gets done.

By Hot_Mama

March 29, 2006 08:34 AM | Link to this

My husband and I both do the basic picking up of toys and dishes. He does his luandry, and I do mine and our daughters’. He takes care of the lawn and trash. Occasionly, I clean the bathrooms, vaccum, dust. He occasionaly cleans the kitty boxes.

We both work full time, I commute and he works from home. When he started working from home I hoped he would clean more but it has not happened. Our house is in a constant state of mess, which I think is OK, there are more important things to worry about, like getting hubby to get his tax information together.

I wish he would clean the bathrooms or vaccum, but I know he wishes I would mow the yard. So I suppose its pretty evenly divided.

By Hot_Mama

March 29, 2006 08:36 AM | Link to this

For cooking - we both cook. Our recent pattern has been that I eat dinner with our daughter and he eats when he can.

By Married with no children

March 29, 2006 08:42 AM | Link to this

In our house, I cook, and my husband clears and washes the dishes after dinner. We share housework responsibilities when there is no yardwork to be done. When there is, he tackles that and I take care of cleaning indoors. We both do laundry, our own mostly but each others when it’s needed.

By fk

March 29, 2006 08:43 AM | Link to this

My husband will help out from time to time, especially when we’re expecting out-of-town company. I tend to “freak” if things are not just right for the arrival of guests. He doesn’t seem to mind vacuuming every once in a while, but does it only when “asked”.

At Christmastime, he even cleaned the 1/2 bath. Needless to say, we all had to come see how it sparkled. He did a terrific job. He claimed that it was so clean that you could eat off the floor. Well, okay, but who would want to? How about the kitchen floor, Big Guy? After so many years of marriage, we’ve both come to realize that if you criticize the other’s work, you’re going to wind up doing that particular chore.

My husband likes to refer to me as the supervisor. And, I do check up on his work. One spring, he “trimmed” our shrubs back so far that they resembled sticks in the ground. I was beyond mad. That was three years ago. They have finally grown back to normal size. Now we garden together.

By Joe

March 29, 2006 08:49 AM | Link to this

I cook most meals, she cleans up afterwards. Laundry mostly split down the middle. I do most of the housekeeping. She does most of the child-care chores (dressing, bathing, bed-time stories, etc).

My Wife and I both work full time. It is essential that we stay flexible in our roles so that we can get things done. We BOTH must pitch in.

I cannot imagine the burden beared by single-parents or those parents who suffer with a lazy partner.

Does anyone else have trouble gettin’ it done even with the best of efforts? Any tips? Our steam usually runs out Sunday evening, occassionally resulting in piles of the last two laundry loads on the couch.

My parents got it done, but only through a harsh regime of anal retentive cleaning, mess policing, and clinical cooking…not the most loving and caring environment to grow up in. Perhaps better to allow some clutter and laundry piles in exchange for a few hours family cuddle on the couch watching Finding Nemo for the 1,261st time :-)

Also, to those stay-at-home parents: You are so lucky!!! It has become my most cherished dream to be a stay-at-home Dad. I would happily leave this office, sell my car, and give up my career if we could survive with me at home. Cooking wonderful meals. Having time to hit the weights and bike. Afternoon coffee while admiring my gleaming bathroom…complete with new black/white checkerboard tileing that I laid myself!! Shepherding the kids home from school to a great game of tag and some serious studying and learning. Sigh…sorry, I got carried away. For those of you so fortunate to be able to keep a mate at home, please keep in mind that you are fortunate. Make the best of it. A “great career” with a “title” and grand salary is a deal with the devil. Crushing responsibility, a 60-hour work week, a 1-hour each way commute, and residual after-hours stress are the price paid by your body, mind, and soul.

My only solace is that I hope to retire early so that I can be with my grandkids full-time.

By fk

March 29, 2006 09:07 AM | Link to this

You know, for some reason, I never think of the laundry as a task. I throw in a load while I’m doing something else, like cooking or doing the bills. Then I throw another one in while the other is in the dryer, and I vacuum. I fold the clothes while on the phone or watching TV.

I was a stay-at-home mom for 15 years. I did most of the chores as my husband worked many hours. His responsibilities included the lawn, the cars and the trash. Our teenager now does the mowing and trash. I still do most everything else, even though I’ve gone back to work part-time. My husband still works long hours.

I do 80% of the cooking, but my husband cooks on his days off. He’s a grad of the Culinary Institute of America, so his meals are something to look forward to. For the most part, every member of the family helps with clean up after dinner.

By Hot_Mama

March 29, 2006 09:11 AM | Link to this

My part of the household bills (without daycare) are only about $900 a month. Anyone know how I can stay at home and make about $1500 a month? That would cover the insurance we now have through my company.

By T

March 29, 2006 09:15 AM | Link to this

i do most of the cooking. My husband cleans up after meals,doing the dishes, putting food away, etc… I wash and dry all the laundry. The children fold and everyone puts their own stuff away. My husband does all the outside work, lawn care, washing cars, etc… I will help on occasion and the children help too. Everything else we both do. Stuff like helping with homework, ironing, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning bathrooms, etc…

We also have someone come in twice a month to clean the entire house for us. We both work and this relieves a lot of the pressure.

By Theresa

March 29, 2006 09:23 AM | Link to this

Fk — were you ever mad when he got home? My husband works really long hours — usually gone 12 hours a day and I know I’m lucky to be at home, but by the time he rolls in at 7:30 I’m just usually pretty pissy. It always seems like a big competition between who’s worked harder that day — I want to do a column on this later — Did you ever feel that way?

For hot-mama — are you crafty at all or have any language skills? I have three friends who are crafty and each started a home business. One makes jewelry and her business is doing really well. At first she was mainly selling to friends and in little shows and now she’s in a gallery. (She has a 3 year old and like 9 month old) — Another friend paints work for children’s walls — usually name stuff that you see in Pottery Barn but she sells it for a lot less but still makes a profit. Then another buddy makes children’s clothes. She also teaches spanish once a week at a daycare center. Next year the spanish teaching will finance private school for her daughter. Any skills or hobbies you could develop?

By Hot_Mama

March 29, 2006 09:25 AM | Link to this

Wow, T! You still clean the bathrooms even though a service does it for you every 2 weeks!! Your house must be spotless! I am lucky to get around to the bathrooms once a month. (I spot clean them, so they look OK for guests.)

By Jesse's Girl

March 29, 2006 09:25 AM | Link to this

Jesse’s Girl….First off, I have an awesome husband. He understands and even embraces my insane need to have the bed made every single morning. He accepts how I freak out if there are dishes left in the sink at bed time….we had sugar ants one spring….not good. This is my personal take on our household chores. I do most of them. But not because he refuses….he often does them on the weekends. But he commutes to Alpharetta. Usually, that is a 4 hour drive each day! The way I see it…when my man comes home, he deserves a nice hot meal while he spends time with the kids he very rarely sees during the week. And I am happy to do it. My job…while it is cool as h3ll….has yet to yield a considerable profit. So I cook, clean, bathe the children, do laundry (though not too well) , and just maintain the home. All in effort to say “Hey..honey…thanks for knockin’ out that rent!” Or mortgage, in our case. Although, as wonderful as I am, I do not under any circumstances do bathrooms. I did it once, but only because we had out of town family coming for Hannukah. They had never seen the house, so I actually cleaned a toilet while he was doing the lawn. I looked like I was heading into chemical warfare. But , you do whatcha gotta do. And I don’t mind cleaning the ocassional toilet to help out my man. Thats just the kind of lady I am.

By Heather

March 29, 2006 09:31 AM | Link to this

Hot_Mama - no I wish I did because that is about all I need without daycare too.

We used to split the chores and I started working 4 days. So, I would spend nap times cleaning on Friday…still have two naps a day. I would only clean half the house each week because when I was full-time we hired someone to come every other week. I agree with Joe that somethings just need to be left, so you can spend time with your family. My husband still cleans up dinner dishes and folds or puts away the laundry (when asked). He takes out the trash and gets the baby ready for bed every night.

By Devious

March 29, 2006 09:42 AM | Link to this

I cook and clean the house - He does the dishes, laundry, trash - we have no kids as of yet/…..

By Tina

March 29, 2006 09:45 AM | Link to this

Joe: I’d love to have a gleaming bathroom and I’m at home with a three year old and a seven week old. My darling husband flicks his dental floss contents on the bathroom mirror every night. My three year old LICKS the mirrors. A gleaming bathroom, no matter how I try isn’t in the cards, at least in this lifetime.

My husband has a short commute and for that I am quite grateful. His “domain” is taking care of the yard and washing the dishes, primarily. He does some laundry and is responsible for ironing his own shirts, because I don’t do a “good enough” job on them, which is fine because I know I don’t do a good job. When pressed, he will take the recycling and garbage to the curb, but it’s mostly my problem to deal with.

I do pretty much everything else.

By Jenn

March 29, 2006 09:45 AM | Link to this

Theresa,

I can relate! My hubby is short-staffed at work right now. Between interviewing for new employees and keeping the rest of the work moving along, he’s been working long hours… I think he worked for 13 or 14 hours on Mon.

It seems illogical, but when he is gone all day and doesn’t get home until 8, which is after the kids are in bed, I’m really p**. I think I know why though…when he comes home, the dynamic with the kids changes and the tension in the home dissipates. It’s worse on a “bad” day with the kids when they’ve been pushing my buttons all day. I also think the anger may be covering some resentment that I feel that his job/long hours are taking away from his quality time with the kids.

What’s interesting is when he doesn’t get home until after 9 or 10pm, I am perfectly fine. At that point, the kids have been in bed for over an hour, and I’ve had time to unwind, whether by zoning out on some crime show on TV of catching up on the news.

Even when they work long hours, they get a period of transition between work and home during their commute, whereas when they show up right after the kids are in bed, we haven’t had time to transition ourselves.

By Gayla

March 29, 2006 09:47 AM | Link to this

To Jesse’s Girl: What a spoiled brat you are! Please tell me what kind of nuclear waste your family produces to make your bathrooms so nasty you can’t clean them. You are not wonderful and you are NO lady!

By Jesse's Girl

March 29, 2006 09:48 AM | Link to this

Theresa…..I think I may have come off as a little June Cleaverish. Let me splain’….I do feel like you do sometimes. Some nights when he gets home, I feel like I would give my right eye to trade with him. After all, he gets all that time to vent to the radio in the car. He gets to have lunch out at nice places with people that he can at least tolerate. And dern it all to heck….he doesn’t have to deal with the whole potty training issue. ( or lack thereof) There are times that I would rather slap him in the back of the head than answer “Whats for dinner?” And we won’t even get into the Dr Jeckel-Mr. Hyde switch I have to make to go from mommy mode to sexy wife mode. Sometimes you just want to stay in your yoga pants and feed everyone Lucky Charms. Which I have done by the way. The kids loved it! I just really try to keep things in persepctive ya know? My husband’s job inables us to have a comfy life and me to stay home and nurture my business. And his job has a lot of stresses. So I try to be forgiving when he comes home and just wants to crash on the couch with dinner and any available kid and watch Myth Busters.

By Jesse's Girl

March 29, 2006 09:48 AM | Link to this

Theresa…..I think I may have come off as a little June Cleaverish. Let me splain’….I do feel like you do sometimes. Some nights when he gets home, I feel like I would give my right eye to trade with him. After all, he gets all that time to vent to the radio in the car. He gets to have lunch out at nice places with people that he can at least tolerate. And dern it all to heck….he doesn’t have to deal with the whole potty training issue. ( or lack thereof) There are times that I would rather slap him in the back of the head than answer “Whats for dinner?” And we won’t even get into the Dr Jeckel-Mr. Hyde switch I have to make to go from mommy mode to sexy wife mode. Sometimes you just want to stay in your yoga pants and feed everyone Lucky Charms. Which I have done by the way. The kids loved it! I just really try to keep things in persepctive ya know? My husband’s job inables us to have a comfy life and me to stay home and nurture my business. And his job has a lot of stresses. So I try to be forgiving when he comes home and just wants to crash on the couch with dinner and any available kid and watch Myth Busters.

By Nancy

March 29, 2006 09:50 AM | Link to this

I do most of the household chores and he does the bills and mows the lawn. Hubby also makes dinner (or heats up what I prepped the night before) and I clean the kitchen after I come home. Sometimes hubby surprises me and cleans after dinner or folds a load of laundry that I couldn’t get to. I will say I am the official car washer though.

By Heather

March 29, 2006 09:50 AM | Link to this

Any bathroom a guy goes in is gross. I don’t like to clean the toliets either and most of the time I can talk him into it.

By Jesse's Girl

March 29, 2006 09:53 AM | Link to this

Sorry, didn’t mean to post twice. And good morning to you Sunshine…I mean Gayla. Beautiful name by the way!

By my alibi

March 29, 2006 09:54 AM | Link to this

Hmm..I would have to say things are a little lopsided in our household. We both work full time, but I attend classes a few nights a week. He does his laundry, usually a few loads of the rest of the clothes (mine and the kids’) and the towels and sheets. The general rule is that whoever cooks, the other person cleans the kitchen, but this usually fails to happen. (for some reason it is an act of congress to get him to clean the stove!). He tends to vacuum, sweep and mop floors more often than I do, but he rarely cleans bathrooms. Of course he is neater than me or the kids so I can’t blame him for not wanting to clean up the kid’s toothpaste spit that did not quite make it into the sink LOL. Plus he always tells me that it is “my sink” and the kids are not allowed to use “his sink”. The girls clean up their own rooms and put their own laundry away and are also responsible for picking up toys left around the house. He does yard work, but he actually enjoys that. Thanks hubby!

By Hot_Mama

March 29, 2006 10:02 AM | Link to this

I am a crafty lady but no way would hubby go for me staying home to make jewelry or paint. Not to mention the months of start up costs of running a business from home. Plus, hubby is working from home as a contractor so his income isn’t guaranteed. If he goes a few weeks without work my steady income is there to pick up the slack. I’d LOVE to work 1/2 time or something, but with the cost of childcare and insurance it seems like a far off dream.

By Hot_Mama

March 29, 2006 10:05 AM | Link to this

If I was working 1/2 time I would have a nearly clean house. When I was on maternity leave our house was spotless!

By Tommy

March 29, 2006 10:27 AM | Link to this

I tell the housekeeper: Here, this is what you do, and you’ll get a check. Period.

By Jesse's Girl

March 29, 2006 10:32 AM | Link to this

What housekeeping service do you use Tommy? Some of the ladies in our neighborhood use them alomost daily. I have an issue with people being privy to my things. But I might be able to let someone in to do bathrooms, floors, and windows. What is the going rate?

By Tamika

March 29, 2006 10:34 AM | Link to this

Well I do most of the Cleaning. My lazy Butt Of A husband plays nothing but Play Station 2 games when he gets home. I do make him pick up his smelly socks though. And I take my Kids to the Liquor store.

Shout out to Stanly the Puck

By Hot_Mama

March 29, 2006 10:34 AM | Link to this

Jenn I get frustrated about the transition thing, too. Hubby works from home most days but sometimes goes to an office. After he arrives home, if I ask him to change a diaper or do something right away he will sigh and say, I just got home, I need a few minutes. Whatthe?! I pick our daughter up after I’ve worked all day and spend 30 minutes with her in the car…where is my ‘transition’? I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself when I get home, that is just how it is while she is small. How it is for me, anyway. He gets a few minutes of ‘transition’.

By Tamika

March 29, 2006 10:37 AM | Link to this

I am also in Charge of making the Tomatoe Salsa for cinco de Mayo.

By Homeschool Mom

March 29, 2006 10:39 AM | Link to this

I homeschool my 2 teens early in the morning then make them clean while we are at work. That’s how they earn their allowance(the 15 yr old’s allowance pays his cell phone bill every month!)Plus being that they are both boys I want them to learn to take care of themselves and not feel like they “have” to get married to have someone to do those things (like their DAD did!)

By Tamika

March 29, 2006 10:40 AM | Link to this

My Husband and I fight over who is going to Change Marla’s diapers.

By Tamika

March 29, 2006 10:41 AM | Link to this

I do make Justin Dye the Easter Eggs though— Oh I mean Spring Bunny eggs.

By Tamika

March 29, 2006 10:43 AM | Link to this

And if my kids poop and P on the toilet seats — I do make them clean that up— I am so over that kind of behavior

By delane

March 29, 2006 10:44 AM | Link to this

I can top all of you. I had to clean up my mother in law this morning because everyone else lacked the stamina. I am in total meltdown.

By Tamika

March 29, 2006 10:48 AM | Link to this

Oh that is so sad:(— I had to do that with my mom as well. Men are such cowards when it come to that stuff. I sure as heck wont be cleaning Justin if he cant clean himself. He can sit in his own feces.

By Hot_Mama

March 29, 2006 10:49 AM | Link to this

I can’t wait to get back from the dentist to read more of Tamika’s comments…luv ya!

By Tamika

March 29, 2006 10:54 AM | Link to this

And I also refuse to pick up Bobbies and Kenny’s Gotchies. Kids must have responsiblities to make them better adults. They need schooling and a good education. I hope to send all mine to an ivory league school.

By Jenn

March 29, 2006 11:03 AM | Link to this

Hot_Mama,

I hear ya! I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t ask, I tell. It’s just like with kids…if you use a polite, firm voice, they’ll usually comply.

So it becomes, “Honey, please change the baby’s diaper and get the kids’ milk on the table.” I don’t care if he heads to the bathroom or does other things first, but he’s been given his tasks & having them off my list and on his makes my life a bit easier. If he gives me grief, he gets the option of finishing cooking and serving dinner while I do those things, which usually gets him to comply. =)

By Robin

March 29, 2006 11:07 AM | Link to this

This is a good topic. I do most of what does get done in our house. I make a little more money than my husband, and pay all the bills. I knew this going into the marriage. It was my house, and I had been living there for several years before we met. My hubby has the ex-wife from hell, and the majority of his income goes to her. This, too, I knew going into the marriage. However, sometimes it steams. We have a 16 month old, and my hubby has a 3 hour commute every day. He is up and gone before the baby and I get up. I have to get her up, fed, dressed, medicated, to daycare, by myself. And, then pick her up, pay the daycare, fix supper, clean up, all by myself. Sometimes I get really exhausted and aggravated. But, my husband is a wonderful man. He is exhausted from the long day and the commute. And, I knew the financial status going into the marriage. So, I just get over it.

I used to have a cleaning lady come once a week. Now we can’t afford that, and most things do not get done. I will spot clean the bathrooms before company comes, and try to keep the living room and kitchen from being completely disgusting. But, our bedroom never seems to get cleaned, and clothes are stacked on every surface. What can I do? HELP please!

By Tamika

March 29, 2006 11:10 AM | Link to this

Another Huge Task in our house is who is going to clean up the dog poo poo in the Yard. I cant get the kids to do it because they usually throw it at each other. So I MAke Justin get off his lazy butt on saturdays to do that choir.

By Tamika

March 29, 2006 11:14 AM | Link to this

Has anyone ever been to North Bay Ontario?

By CG

March 29, 2006 11:36 AM | Link to this

It’s just me and my 13 yr. old daughter. I have done it all (for the most part) since forever. I’ve always taught her to pick up behind herself, and when she was younger (as most of you probably already know) she would beg to do chores like vacuum, dishes, iron, etc. Of course now that she’s old enough, I have to sometimes threaten punishment to get things done. She has her set chores that must be done at least once a week (and of course I have to remind her each week), which earns her allowance. But it still seems that I am doing it all….earning the money, paying the bills, cleaning, cooking, laundry, errands, etc. I sometimes want to SCREAM!!!!!! But then I think of how I get all the rewards of parenting, make all the decisions (good and bad), and basically get to do whatever I want to do because I don’t have to answer to anyone about where I’m going or have been, what’s for dinner (my child and I compromise pretty easily) or any of that other stuff. Don’t get me wrong, though, it would be nice to have some help (financially and physically) on a daily basis…..I HATE taking out the trash!!!!

By LaLa

March 29, 2006 12:08 PM | Link to this

Joe, you made the best comments I have ever read on this blog. I am a stay-at-home mom and it is easy to fall into the trap of moaning about my life and how hard it is (we all do that sometimes, no matter what we do) but you are absolutely right. I am so lucky to be able to do what I do and most days I realize that. I don’t manage to get as much done as you say you would as a stay-at-home dad but I do my best and I do accomplish an awful lot. Most importantly, I have not missed a thing with my kids and there is nothing I would trade for that. My husband is not the best at helping out around the house (I don’t expect him to do much) but he is not the worst either, so I will take it. Thanks for your positive affirmation though, it really meant a lot to me today.

By Susie

March 29, 2006 12:11 PM | Link to this

Theresa, I used to stay home too. I kinda know how you feel. I can’t say I was really “p**” when my ex-husband would come home, because he always worked 2nd shift and came home at midnight every night. I do remember being bone tired at the end of every day. Seeing as he always worked those hours, I was for all intents and purposes, a single mom…as far as really ever having any help was concerned, anyway.

He could have gotten a day shift, but then he couldn’t have had weekends off. He’d have had something stupid like tuesdays and wednesdays, and he’d be off while the kids were in school, a total waste. Having the weekends off is the ONLY way he can spend any time with them. Since we’ve been divorced, he wants to have them every weekend, and I’ve always just let him have them whenever he wants them, because I can’t imagine making them wait two weeks to see their dad. They can’t do the Wednesday evening thing, because of his work hours. We just keep it informal, the kids are happier that way.

As far as “around the house” stuff, he pretty much always took care of the lawn, the cars, the trash, any other maintenance type stuff. Actually he still comes over and mows the lawn, he figures that’s the yard his kids are playing in, so he just does it. Besides, I “don’t do it right.” (ok, works for me!)

There were times, especially after I went back to work, that I resented the fact that he could wake up whenever he felt like it, go to the gym, go get a haircut, do whatever the heck he wanted to before 3 pm,(when he had to be at work) and I got up at 5:30, got myself and three kids up, fed, dressed and out the door on time, drove through traffic from he11, worked all day, drove through traffic from he11 again, then came home to the same three kids who then had to be fed, homework done and checked, showered, ready for bed, and all the other crap in between that you have to do in an evening.

That’s pretty much what my week is like right now. And right now, I’m LUCKY because none of them is playing a sport right now!

Now that the kids are older, they help out some. They don’t have specific chores, but they will do whatever I ask them to do at any given moment. As long as it works out that way, we’ll just keep it that way. I wash and dry the laundry, then one or more of them will help me fold it…then each person takes their own clothes and puts them away.

It’s nice when the kids get big enough to help out, things are less hectic when I can get them all helping at the same time.

By Susie

March 29, 2006 12:27 PM | Link to this

Hot Mama, don’t be too sure…I haven’t had a complete thought, had an uninterrupted meal, or been to the bathroom by myself since 1989!

By Susie

March 29, 2006 12:37 PM | Link to this

Robin, does your husband have other kids to support? If not, is his ex just getting alimony? I don’t know how that works, if it’s a percentage like child support…but driving 6 hours a day, he’s probably putting what he doesn’t give her in his gas tank. If he finds something closer to home, can his support payments be lowered (if there’s a pay cut?) I wouldn’t normally condone someone trying to pay less to support their kids, (alimony is different, IMO. She can get off her a$$ and go to work like the rest of us.),but eliminating a 6 hour round trip is not an unreasonable thing to want/need to do.

IF he’s just paying alimony, is he ordered to pay it no matter what? If he’s not working does he have to pay it anyway? (like I said, I don’t know how alimony works, just child support.) IF not working would get him out of paying the alimony, he could stay home with your baby, and you all would probably break even, (especially without the child care costs.)

By dm

March 29, 2006 12:41 PM | Link to this

I have a site for all of you www.flylady.net It’s great, you’ll love it! My husband and I used to argue about housework all the time, with flylady, i have a system to keep it done whether he helps or not. we both work outside the home, his schedule is very unpredictable. We do have someone come clean the whole house 2x a month but the house can get out of control in a day with little ones as you all know. Check out the site and get some peace back in your lives!

By anne

March 29, 2006 01:20 PM | Link to this

I work part time and my husband works full time. I do the laundry and he puts it away. We both work on house and yard projects. I cook during the week and he does it on weekends. I do the bills and he does the taxes. We have a housekeeper come in every week. Expensive but worth it as an untidy house was the only thing we ever argued about. We simplified in other areas (no dinners or movies out, etc) to be able to afford this. Also, we chose to live in a small house close to our jobs. Cheaper to clean and a five-minute commute.

No comment on stay at home moms with housekeepers….

By SJ

March 29, 2006 01:20 PM | Link to this

We both work full time. Our lives have fallen into a pretty comfortable routine of him taking responsiblity for all outside maintenance and me assuming it for the interior. Although we help each other out when needed. If I ask him to do something he always does it, no questions or funny looks. And, the reverse is true also. I do most of the kid stuff including bed time rituals. Although, I have no problem saying, “its your turn tonight,” if I’ve had an especially trying day. Its a partnership! I like doing things for him and he likes doing things for me. He has spoiled me in many respects, example: I don’t even have to carry the dirty clothes to the laundry room! he insisted on carrying the laundry basket for me when we first got married. I protested for a while, “I can do it.” Now, I welcome and enjoy his consideration. I do nice things for him too, (he has a hot cup of coffee and a hot shower ready and waiting when I wake him every morning). Its a give and take relationship. We also expect the boys to help out as they are getting older (6 and 9), empty the dishwasher, clear the dinner table, take out the trash, help rake the leaves, etc. We believe its important for the children to learn responsibility and that they need to be contributing members of the household. Sometimes it would be easier to do it myself, but then that wouldn’t be teaching them anything! The 6 year old still protests from time to time but my 9 year old does everything I ask of him with a “sure Mom” response. I also have a cleaning person come every other week so that helps alot. But, I still clean everyday. Someone posted earlier that they were lucky if the bathrooms were cleaned once a month! I can’t imagine! I wouldn’t be able to stand it - I’m a bit anal retentive about clean bathrooms!

By Tamika

March 29, 2006 01:40 PM | Link to this

Dammit my dog just pooped on the floor Be right back you all.

By Hot_Mama

March 29, 2006 01:52 PM | Link to this

SJ you make your life sound so rosey! I’m jelous. Its true, our bathroom dosen’t get cleaned often. I just let it go until I can’t stand it, which is about once a month. Sometimes I’ll clean the toilet real quick before I get in the shower. Anyway, I have been to flylady.net and it does have a lot of great tips on there. It seems to be for stay at home types which I am not. Up at 5, out the door at 6:15 and not home again until 6. Then I get 2 hours with my baby until her bath and bedtime. I just can’t justify cleaning instead of playing with my baby. When she is older and can help out my house will be cleaner.

By LaLa

March 29, 2006 02:19 PM | Link to this

Hey Anne- I am a stay-at-home mom with a bi-weekly housekeeper and I don’t feel guilty. I am an active volunteer with my church, my child’s school and other civic organizations, I run a modest home-based business and I do housework everyday. I have two kids with a third on the way and my life is incredibly busy and full. If I want to pay someone to come in and do the mopping and dusting and clean the bathrooms twice a month that is my business and you are pretty full of yourself to look down on such a thing. You can’t judge someone unless you walk in their shoes.

By Kristen

March 29, 2006 02:36 PM | Link to this

In my house I do pretty much everything. Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, feeding the animals, taking them for walks, do the recycling, handle the mail, do the shopping, everything. It’s sad because we both work at home. He will work on the cars when needed or work on his motorcycles but he has no real interest in helping around the house. He’ll just let it get in a shambles and complain about it. I would love to get a monthly “cleaner” but the problem is we need to get ORGANIZED before I can have someone clean. Things have to be clean before someone can keep it clean.

By Peaches

March 29, 2006 02:40 PM | Link to this

My Husband does all the work…cleaning,cooking,yard work and working on cars…He loves it!!!

By Heather

March 29, 2006 02:45 PM | Link to this

One thing I didn’t like about the housekeeper was paying $75 a time for her to clean 1500 sqft and no beds or laundry or dirty dishes. I had to pick up everything before she got there and she came on a Monday morning. I didn’t enjoy spending Sunday picking up.

By ZK

March 29, 2006 02:50 PM | Link to this

Okay women, here it is. (because ANYONE will follow a leader who a. knows “how” to lead, and b. leads by example) Do YOUR part (whatever you all agree that is) and then…….DELEGATE! “ASK”, Honey, how do you feel about me doing XYZ, and YOU doing ABC? Once he agrees, with or without revision, WRITE it down, type it up (laminate it if necessary) and give him a copy. If the chore doesn’t get done, try your best to ignore that it isn’t done (even if that means that “I’ve” got to eat out because the dishes are piled to the ceiling, or the grass gets thigh high). Eventually (and that’s the hardest part to deal with), he’ll want to know why the chore hasn’t been done, and you can point out that he AGREED that this particular job would be his. Also, if having help or having chores split becomes a problem, lovingly but firmly start to attach priviledges to the chores. Example: 1. Hot cup of coffee at your bedside that’s ready for you when you wake up EQUALS cleaned bathrooms. 2. Talk-free massage EQUALS family dinner preparation or helping Johnny with homework. 3. Uninterrupted beer w/remote (transition)time EQUALS taken out trash or vaccumed den & living room. Comments?

By anne

March 29, 2006 02:51 PM | Link to this

Yes yes, the stay-at-home mom is indeed busy with all those charitable works (and as the room parent at two schools plus a perennial volunteer I certainly do understand how time-consuming those things can be).

However, my “no comment” was not meant to insult the SAHM but rather based upon one of Theresa’s original questions. I can’t comment on the lives of stay-at-home moms because I’m not one.

By Jason

March 29, 2006 02:52 PM | Link to this

I get to do all the man stuff—yard work, car washing, lightbulb changing, moving stuff, etc. My wife does the laundry. I do most of the cleaning, but neither of us is a very tidy person. We both cook, usually the first one home from work. My wife cooks more on the weekend to supply me with a nice week of leftover lunches.

By Tush

March 29, 2006 02:56 PM | Link to this

I have two small kids (7&5) and up until last year I was a single mom. I wa lucky enough to meet someone who not only moved in and took over half the bills but also took the load off of the traveling of taking the kids to school in the morning. I am very ananl about how I like the house to look and smell (always like fresh fruit or flowers courtesy of countless plug-ins and cleaning supplies), and I mostly do all the cooking. He does cook me breakfast in bed every Saturday morning for my hard efforts though. He also does the laundry and I put it up. The cars and the trash.

By Tamika

March 29, 2006 03:10 PM | Link to this

I will have to say this topic is boring today!!

By SJ

March 29, 2006 03:31 PM | Link to this

Hot_Mama, its not always rosey! But, I have to admit its gotten easier as the kids are growing and I am blessed with a wonderful, helpful husband - no doubt about it! And, for that I am very grateful!

When the boys were babies, I too skipped lots of chores to enjoy them! As they age though, they don’t necessarily want or need Mom there all the time so, my “free” time has increased. Free time to clean, etc. Its not like I’ve picked up any new hobbies :-)

A trick I have though is to tackle things in small bite size pieces…not the whole house at once. I clean the fridge every time I go grocery shopping - yes, everytime, its EASY, because I do it so often, its a quick wipe with the cloth. I straighten a kitchen drawer while I’m waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, or grab the cleaner and wipe the fingers prints off the back door while the kids are finishing breakfast, stuff like that! And, I just started this habit in the last year and I’ve found it works well for me. I DON’T have time to spend all day Sat and Sun cleaning everything from top to bottom - that’s what I used to do, and that’s when I was going insane! The bite size piece plan works great for me — and 99% of the time, my house is company ready…honest.

By Susie

March 29, 2006 03:57 PM | Link to this

I think there’s a difference between having an actual “housekeeper,” someone who comes in the morning and stays all day (or lives in, like “Alice,”) and does everything, and someone who just comes in to do the heavy cleaning twice a month. I had to have someone do that for me when I was on “restricted activity,” (the next worst thing to bed rest) with my middle pregnancy. “Restricted activity meant NO HOUSEWORK, so I had to pay someone to do it, even while I was at home. I sure do miss those little ladies who cleaned my house!

By Hot_Mama

March 29, 2006 04:06 PM | Link to this

Thanks for the tips, SJ! I’ll think about them and see what moments I could incorporate some little tasks into the evening routine. Feeding and cleaning up after a 17 month old is a task in itself. If we just didn’t use dishes and could throw away all the cups, plates, bowls…we would have 3 bags of trash to take out a day. Oh well! Time for me to wrap up here at the office and hit the evening commute.

By fk

March 29, 2006 05:25 PM | Link to this

Theresa,

Sure, there were many, many days when I was angry because he did not come home “on time”. My husband works in the hospitality industry, and he goes into work a bit later than everyone else, but there are nights when he comes home after I’ve gone to bed! It’s easier now as our son is older…that is until he starts going out with friends who can drive. My husband could never understand my point of view. Luckily, since I’ve no family here, I have a great group of friends.

I tried to go on strike once. He promised to clean the kitchen and did not. Well, I was holding out until he did it. Wouldn’t you know it, the next morning, with the dirty stuff still in the sink, my neighbor was locked out, needed to use the phone, and the cordless was not charged. So, she had to use the kitchen phone. I was mortified. I did not even bother to explain…it was going to sound too lame.

My husband and I used to get ridiculously competitive about things, like who had the more stressful day. Was physical fatigue harder than mental stress, who had more of what, etc…and it carried on outside the home. One time, we went to Stone Mountain with another family. We were going to picnic and see the laser show. Since we had time, we decided to play miniature golf. OMG. My friend said we were THE topic of conversation for days…they said those K’s are so competitive at mini golf! Of course, that was only a carry over of what was transpiring at home.

I have plenty more to share, but I don’t want to bore everyone else. If you have access to it, my email is real.

By esol

March 29, 2006 07:02 PM | Link to this

My husband is pretty great. We have a fairly flexible relationship. We’ve split most of the jobs but we are also accommodating if someone is tired, working late, etc.

He vaccums once a week and cleans up after dinner regardless of who cooks. He isn’t as detailed as I am in the cleaning but the fact that he cleans every night is huge.

He probably cooks 1/3 of the time. He always makes a point to have dinner ready if I am going to be home late and vice versa.

We split grocery shopping, laundry, and bathrooms, and home improvement is a team effort. We each clean our own bathrooms. His is cleaned less frequently. I don’t have to see it so it doesn’t bother me. We also each do our own laundry.

I mop, dust, straighten, deep clean, buy gifts, and do all the financials/bills aside from taxes. We don’t have tons of money so we don’t hire a cleaning service but our place is usually pretty clean. He has one room that stays messy (not dirty) and I’m ok with that. It’s his zone.

We live in a townhome so the lawn isn’t a factor. We don’t have kids (hence the clean house) and our lives are insane. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like with little ones running around. I’m always tired as it is now but I also know that I have it very good when it comes to a husband. Mine is great.

By Irena

March 29, 2006 07:42 PM | Link to this

I am married and have 3 teens step children (2 boys and 1 girl)and i work full time. It took me 2 years to establish household rules and responsibilities. It was not easy, but i thought i rather spend 2 years making my kids lifes ” cleaning miserable” or the rest of my life picking everyones mess up. I can admit, it works pretty well.I usually cook and kids clean up after dinner. My husband wakes up before 5 am and is usually at home around 10:00 pm, so he is not able to help around the house during the week. I also do bite size cleaning everyday, so on the weekends we have left to dust, vaccuum and clean bathrooms. My boys are tidy now, but i enforce rules all the time. For example: you are not gooing anywhere if your room is not clean (i mean: dusted, all things in place, clothes folded, etc). If you leave a mess, i will wake you up even in the middle of the night to clean it up. Of course, the same rules apply to us also. If we leave cofee cups in their rooms, they ask us to come and clean it up. I think success came from two-way rules. I believe it would work with yonger children too. They have to realize that they have to clean up not because mom or dad said so, but because it is a way of a life style. They do their laundry, fold their clothes, clean their rooms, bathroom and a living room (kids have their own living room). We inspect their room every morning (beds made, no clothes on teh floor) and do a more thorough inspection once a month (closets). We never have dishes piled up or clothes thrown all over the house and i love it. My husband helps me to clean the house every weekend. We also do all our food shopping together.

By Irena

March 29, 2006 07:44 PM | Link to this

And, by the way, since i do not have to clean endlessly after everyone, we have evenings left for a quality time: poker, movie,reading, chat, crafts.

By Atl Pearl Girl

March 30, 2006 06:58 AM | Link to this

Instead of housework…we call it ‘homecaring’…..it gives it a twist and takes the edge off of the actual ‘work’. Single mom here..I do it all…the kids clean their rooms….. of course we all love tending to the flower garden.

By Beverly Wittler

March 30, 2006 08:00 AM | Link to this

We’ve been married 32 years, he cuts the grass, that’s all…and we have a very small in-town lot. When we first got married, I asked him to help and his answer was that I had already been doing all the housework and that’s what his Mom did. I have my car maintained, call appliance repair people, the plumber, plus pay to replace what breaks down totally. Uneven? Yes.

By Joe

March 30, 2006 08:25 AM | Link to this

I want to be male version of Mary Poppins when I grow up :-)

By Working stiff

March 30, 2006 12:09 PM | Link to this

For my husband and I, the key is gratitude and never taking things for granted. A “Thank you for doing the laundry!” or a “That meal was delicious; thank you for making it!” goes along way.

By Kim

March 30, 2006 12:21 PM | Link to this

In our home, I do everything from cleaning bathrooms, cook, sweep, vacuum, mop, wash, dry, fold/hang up, iron laundry, take the trash out and put out/pull in the herby kirby(my husband occasionally puts out and pulls the herby kirby in. I will also help maintain the lawn cutting and blowing off the lawn, planting flowers, pull up weeds.I also do the grocery shopping and feed our boys and put on their clothes everyday. I usually work a full time job. My husband works a full time job as well and we have several rentals properties that he normally maintains. He pays the bills, picks the boys up from school everyday, feed them, and usually will give them a bath and have them ready for bed by the time I get in. I will read them a book, say our prayers, and put them into bed.

By SJ

March 30, 2006 01:19 PM | Link to this

Beverly, I have to believe you don’t have an issue with your husband’s very small contribution to maintaining your home or it wouldn’t have gone on for 32 years.

To each his own if it works for you!

By Mark

March 30, 2006 05:00 PM | Link to this

Noone “gets over” like upper middle class white woman do! think about it; They go to college (for no apparant reason), while there, partying, they select a husband, they work for a couple years, just to say they did it and to have a little stash, they get married, they use both names so to be distinguished and clever, they quit work to have kids, but then hire nannies and/or housekeepers, They put their little ones in pre-school as early as possible, they then drive all over east cobb in an oversized SUV doing whoknowswhat to whoknowswho, then they still have the nerve to complain to anyone who will listen just how tired and stressed they are (vacation!!) I’m not in the least bit jealous, just envious

By SJ

March 30, 2006 06:57 PM | Link to this

Mark, how is it that you have such a grasp on what is going on in the lives of all the middle class white women? Is your wife the true subject of your blog?

By Mark

March 31, 2006 08:56 AM | Link to this

My wife died giving birth to our second child. I’m dated a nice lady who anything but the lifestyle I described, which gives her a great perspective, outlook on life. she appreciates everything, as do I. I am fortunate to have lived in a nice country club development for the past 15 years. I have witnessed this constant stream of 26-27 year old woman moving in here, and all of them had the exact background and experience, like I described above. sadly, most of them end up divorced or forced to move out in shame after their flings become common knowledge (which they always do). Desperate houswives makes for a fun show to watch, but that lifestyle is tragic and sad.

By dm

March 31, 2006 10:47 AM | Link to this

hot mama - doing a little bit every day is totally flylady.net when you first looked at it you must have had your ‘perfectionist’ glasses on. she’s all about doing what you can in 1, 2, 5 up to 15-minute max increments. everyday you get an email that says, you’re not behind, jump in when you can and don’t too do much at one time so you don’t get burned out. it works and is easy, trust me, my mom and i used to argue about how messy my room was and that continued with my college roommates, post-college roommates and then husband. i’ve been ‘flying’ for a couple months and am proud to say anyone could come over at anytime now and my heart wouldn’t beat 1 second faster due to the mess. the most they would see is that day’s mail on the table or my AJCs piled up waiting for me to read them on Sunday, relaxing with a cup of coffee and not feeling one twinge of guilt becaue of a mess i ‘should’ be working on!

Other interesting thing flylady touts is not counting on your husband or kids to pitch in. chances are you’ve nagged them to death. once you start doing things and they see how nice the house looks, they’ll pitch in because it’s easy to do so. you’ve probably reprimanded them if things aren’t done ‘your way’ in the past and now they figure why try. or, the place was such a mess that helping a little bit wouldn’t make a difference anyway so they chose not to do anything. it all comes down to taking responsibility for you and feeling good about yourself, eventually those around you will absorb your positive vibes and act in a way that’s pleasant for everyone.

fk - my husband is in the same industry, and we’ve had the same fights. it’s tough to be married to people in that industry but you’re only making yourself miserable by trying to ‘get him on your side’ it will never work. they feel very guilty for all the family time they’re missing and your home will be happier if you just resolve to take care of things yourself. it’s been a 7-year battle for me to get to this mindset and the frustration rears its ugly head from time-to-time, but i love my man too much to fight with him in the few hours we actually see each other.

By Leah

April 11, 2006 02:02 PM | Link to this

I am married now for 17 years to a good hard working man, BUT! He has never helped with the housework or much with the kids. He has the olden days mind of because he provides he don’t have to do anything outside of that. He has been doing most of the yard the last couple of years, though now our son does it too.

Though I haven’t worked but part time most of the last 10 years, I work part time now and part time for his books too, I still resent having to cook and clean like a SLAVE. I don’t think its right. I don’t exspect him to do alot since I work part time and his job is so physical, but dumping everything off on me isn’t right either. He knows this but I don’t ever see it changing