MOMania

By Jesse's Girl

March 7, 2006 08:40 AM | Link to this

My daughters have to know the child very well to be allowed to go to a party. By this I mean their names have to be familiar among their cirlce of friends. And we never drop them off anywhere! I am more than a little paranoid about their whereabouts….you have to be these days. What kills me are the parents that just leave their kids at a party when I know they have no idea who the people are around their child! I am huge party etiquette freak. Allow me to break it down for ya……If the girls are invited but cannot attend for whatever reason, I send in a birthday card with their regrets. If it is a family that I know fairly well ( people from church or a select few from the neighborhood) I MAY allow them to stay without me or my husband. But only if it is at the birthday boy/girl’s home. If the party is at an outside location…under no circumstances will my child be left unsupervised! And for any other parent to do so is absolutely unacceptable. Yeah…I said it. For those of you who just pull up and leave your kids at parties, you are irresponsible! You have no idea who the attendees are and the hosts cannot realistically keep an eye on your child when there are so many other things going on. I am also very big on RSVP(ing). This I have discovered is a lost art…much akin to good old fashioned letter writing. To RSVP is to respect the time and energy of the host. It is simply good manners. I find that the non RSVP(ers) are the very same ones who think they can just drop their child off at the party and leave. Its just rude.

By E. Lewis

March 7, 2006 08:52 AM | Link to this

My sister has a pretty good method for reigning in the cost of children’s birthday parties.

When it comes to her daughter, the family only will have an intimate gift giving event with a small cake and ice cream. My niece also gets to invite all he friends from school over to her Grandfather’s house for a celebration/pool party with the usual pool party junk food and gifts are not mentioned let alone needed. Believe me when I say that this girl doesn’t miss those extraneous birthday gifts are usually, abandoned, broken or thrown away.

When it comes to gifts for other children, my sister will take her daughter to some place like Big Lots. The circle of friends is not needy and disposable toys aren’t any more of a disappointment than something that costs more, but is within the budget.

By Tamara

March 7, 2006 08:56 AM | Link to this

I totally agree with the previous blogger. I believe the art of equitette has been lost in our children and some parents. My kids are invited to alot of parties within our neighborhood. My thoughts are to always RVSP and stay if you don’t know the parents WELL. I don’t worry about the amount per se but what the children might enjoy. I don’t do video games mostly old fashion games, books, puzzles, and outdoor fun. If we are unable to attend I sent a card. I would also like to express to parents that thank you cards matter. I get very bothered when I have spent the time and money looking for a gift and a child doesn’t take the time to write a thank you card. Even a child that is 3 yo can draw a picture to say thanks. Bring back manners!

By fk

March 7, 2006 09:03 AM | Link to this

Glad those days are long gone. My son wanted to go to every party he was to which he was invited. It did get expensive. Depending on the child, we set limits. If my son did not attend a classmate’s party, a gift was not sent, unless there was a cancellation at the last minute on our part.

My son always sent thank you notes. That’s a pet peeve of mine. When he was younger, they were pre-printed-fill-in-the-blank thank-yous, but he filled them out himself, and we mailed them. The tackiest of all things I’d seen was when the parents included a thank you in the goodie bag. A generic note written by a parent, before a gift is received, is ridiculous. When someone sacrifices time and money to purchase your child a gift, the least that should be done is to teach the child to acknowledge it properly, or don’t do it at all.

Parties usually ran about 2 hours. Once I felt comfortable leaving him, we would arrive a few minutes late and I’d show up about 15-20 minutes early for pick-up. I did not leave him until he knew his full name, full address, phone number, and both parents names, without thinking…maybe first grade. It’s difficult to explain the concept of a stranger to a child. He was invited to a laser tag place when he was 8 or so. It was more of like an arcade, not a kid play center, lots of adults around, and I simply did not feel comfortable leaving him, so I stayed.

In 2nd grade, he decided to invite boys only. These parties were usually sports themed. As the boys got older, the sleepovers started…yuk. By then, the parents all knew the boys and the parents. Unfortunately, some parents didn’t have the “lights out” rule, so the boys stayed up into the wee hours of the morning. Not fun for the parents when their kids came home.

The sleepover stuff was far more of an issue for us than drop off parties. He’s 15 now and I still try to limit the sleepovers. I think my son is responsible, but you just never know.

By Dragon

March 7, 2006 10:02 AM | Link to this

Speaking of goodie bags, that is one things that I am completely against. Birthday parties are for the child having the Birthday and gifts should be for that child only. I do not know where the goodie bag orginated form, but I would guess it had something to do with a spoiled child that had fits because they were not getting presents at Birthday parties too.

By Anonymous

March 7, 2006 10:03 AM | Link to this

I have a comment about Thank You notes. We always send a Thank You note when the children and/or parent are not in attendance. We do not send Thank You notes when we have told the child and parent Thank You in person. I think this is very appropriate.

We get invited to so many birthday parties from school. If I do not know the family, we do not attend. We do RSVP though.

By Dragon

March 7, 2006 10:06 AM | Link to this

Speaking of goodie bags, that is one things that I am completely against. Birthday parties are for the child having the Birthday and gifts should be for that child only. I do not know where the goodie bag orginated form, but I would guess it had something to do with a spoiled child that had fits because they were not getting presents at Birthday parties too.

By Joe

March 7, 2006 10:06 AM | Link to this

Other Kids’ parties. 1) $15 average per gift, 2) ABSOLUTELY will not allow them to remain without one of us attending also, 3) probably would not attend nor give gift for school mate.

Our parties: Call me a spoil sport, but we restrict our childrens’ parties are exclusive to FAMILY only. Believe it or not, we find this to be a great party. In fact, kid’s birthday parties have become pseudo-reunions. Plenty of kids in the family, too, which helps make it work. No need to invite the public :-)

By Pam

March 7, 2006 10:20 AM | Link to this

We only do family parties too. The only exception is a close friend of the child (not the parent’s close friends). We have a lot of children in our family, so we end up having a great time with family only.

By K Mom

March 7, 2006 10:20 AM | Link to this

WOW! Some of you really need to lighten up on the rest of us. Most of us do the best that we can to meet our social obligations but sometimes life gets in the way - sick parent, sick child, special project at work, is busy volunteering at school or church, or just can’t find the time, etc.

Please allow me to share some words of wisdom that my mother gave me. Do not judge another mother until you have lived her life. You never know what is going on in that house/family and we are all doing the best that we can to raise responsible and productive human beings the best way we know how.

Just for the record, I always RSVP and I try to get (my boys - ages 2 & 5- to get) out the thank you notes. I bet I do it 80 percent of the time. However, I never dreamed that I was being judged by the other mothers who had felt that they “sacraficed time and money to buy my child a gift”. PLEASE! I certainly have no idea who has written a thank you note to us/my children and who has not. Granted, it is nice to get the note - but I certainly have no idea who does it and who doesn’t.

Get over yourselves and lighten up!

We are all in this hectic world together and there are things that are far more important than whether you get a slip of paper thanking you for your $15 purchase. Try some compassion and instead of assuming the person is rude - assume they might be drowning and doing the best they can at that particular time. Instead of judging, cut the mother some slack and drive on.

As for the other questions, friends - we spend about $15 per. Relatives and close friends - maybe more. We do not send a card or gift if we can’t make it to the party - unless we cancel at the last minute due to illness. We very rarely leave our 5 y/o at a birthday party and obviously, never the 2 y/o. Starting this year, the 5y/o party will be boys only (his request).

Thank you.

By Jenn

March 7, 2006 10:39 AM | Link to this

Birthday parties are a bit of a challenge when you’re strapped for cash. I’ll actually brave the day-after-thanksgiving sales to stock up on a ton of stuff at deep discounts for the year. Like now, I have a bunch of different character Memory games and other various gender neutral toys in my closet ready for b-day parties. I probably spent $3.88-5.88 each for them at Target, but I’m set for a while. I can’t afford $15+ per child throughout the year—it’s not worth the debt!

We don’t send a gift if we don’t go. We try to do thank you notes, though they may not get out until a month later at the pace at which my child writes.

This year, we’re going to try to do some group b-day parties for both my girls—each one has at least 2-3 other children in their playgroup that was born within a couple of days of each other. It’ll definitely help cut the cost down for putting on the event.

I just started dropping off the oldest (4 1/2) at b-day parties, but only if I know the other parent(s) well and another trusted adult (aside from the busy host) will be there to keep an eye on her. It helps to keep their party costs down at the event—otherwise, she’d have to pay an additional fee for both me and my little one. Now that’s a waste of money.

By Jesse's Girl

March 7, 2006 10:57 AM | Link to this

Ok…K Mom…First of all, it is rude to not RSVP and then show up at a party kid in tow and expect that the host has alotted anything for your child! That is not sitting in judgement, I expect basic manners. It is also not a judgement to say that a parent is being irresponsible when they drop off their child at a party. Most especially if said location is one they are not familiar with…ie…a close friend’s home. That is just pure common sense. It does not mean that I have no respect for the goings in a particular mother or father’s personal life to ask that they #1, let me know their child will be present…and #2, don’t leave your child unattended in a strange place with strange people! No one is sitting in judgement. Of course there are underlying issues with everyone…but come on…we are talking birthday parties here! Geez!

By singlemom

March 7, 2006 11:00 AM | Link to this

When my child was of the birthday party age, we would have parties at Chuckie Cheese, etc. I absolutely hated that the parents and other siblings stayed, tried to get in on everything and eat on my dime, when the party was for the KIDS who were invited, not their parents and other siblings…On one occasion, I had invited about 6 or 7 kids to my child’s birthday party at Chuckie Cheese, and I knew about what to spend for those 7 kids (mine included). I had to ante up for the parents and siblings who stayed, had to order more food and drinks for them. And not one of the parents offered to pitch in any money. So, if your child is invited to a party the entire family should not be there. I think that is incredibly rude. If you choose to stay, go somewhere else in the building or sit at another table. Don’t assume your entire family should be entertained.

By Nancy

March 7, 2006 11:12 AM | Link to this

WOW! I guess being a fairly new parent, daughter just turned 2, makes me naive to what is EXPECTED of me when giving/going to parties.

For my daughter’s first birthday party we went all out and invited neighbors, friends and family. The only thing we expected from them was to EAT and HAVE FUN! This year we only invited family and 1 of her toddler friend’s who the family also knew. Again, no expectations. I also did go out and buy some mini cupcakes for her class to enjoy.

When she gets older I plan on asking her what she would like to do for her birthday. I will push for park outings or small group (no more than 4) special events. Of course a family party will be done too.

As for purchasing non family gifts, if I don’t know their interests, I usually give them dollar bills equivelant to their new age. Otherwise I usually buy them something $10 and under. Family members more.

By K Mom

March 7, 2006 11:16 AM | Link to this

Jesse’s Girl - Yes, we are talking about birthday parties - no big deal - thus my suggestion to lighten up. You are sitting in judgement - that is exactly what you are doing and over something as minor as a child’s birthday party issues. May I suggest that you re-read your original post where you refer to certain parents as irresponsible and rude (passing judgement maybe?) and confess that you are a huge party etiquette freak. It would be nice if all people RSVPed - but they don’t. As I said before, lighten up - there are more important things in life. Best of luck to you!

By Jesse's Girl

March 7, 2006 11:22 AM | Link to this

I feel that it is fact, not an opinion (which would be a personal judgement) that you are highly irresponsible if you leave your child unattended at a party where all the players involved are not trusted…period.

By elaine

March 7, 2006 12:07 PM | Link to this

Singlemom brought up something that I’m curious about. I want to be polite, but I’m not sure what’s expected. My about-to-turn-four-year-old would like to have her party at Chuck E Cheese this year, which is okay with me (not my first choice, but ok). I agree with some of the other comments that a parent should stay with kids—especially preschoolers and especially when a party is at a public place. That being said, how does the food work? Do I order pizzas for each kid and a parent? two parents? siblings? Will they expect that? I want to be gracious, but that does start getting expensive. The three previous parties have been at home and I’ve been very clear when addressing the invitations that the whole family was invited. We grilled out hot dogs and there was plenty for everyone. But when/how do we make the transition to a kids-only party? Is that when the kids are old enough to stay alone? To save costs this year and still be polite, should we have the party at home again and hold off on Chuck E Cheese until kids are at drop-off age? Do kids of drop-off age still want to go to Chuck E Cheese?

By singlemom

March 7, 2006 12:37 PM | Link to this

@Elaine - I don’t know what to tell you, I just think its VERY rude for the entire family to expect to be fed, etc. That time I went to Chuckie Cheese was the first and last time I ever did that (I’m a fast learner). I prefer to have the party at my home, outside in the fenced backyard if the weather permits. When I started doing that, and was friendly with my child’s friends and parents, I invited everyone, and had a backyard BBQ, and everyone pitched in. Way more fun.
Since my child turned 10 (She is now 15), the parties are no more. She and I go out of town for a weekend. We have gone bike riding in Callaway Gardens one year and stayed at the cutest little inn, went to the Aquarium in Gatlinburg two years ago, stayed in rooms with gas fireplaces, and this year we went up to Helen for horseback riding, and she is allowed to bring one friend. We have had the best times. Usually the friend brings money, but if not, I don’t really mind, since I am paying for the hotel anyway. I figure the hotel is already paid for, and most of the time it also includes one meal, usually breakfast. It almost as expensive as the party, but I think there are more memories with the trips. She will always remember her teen birthdays.
The Lodge at Unicoi is probably one of the best places we have stayed. They have lofts in the rooms, which was real cool for two teenage girls, and each building has a common area inside (kinda like a dorm), with couches, and huge fireplaces that they will come and light every evening, and breakfast buffet is included for two. Now I understand not everyone can do this type of birthday celebration, but it’s just the two of us and I like to make her birthdays special.

By Elane

March 7, 2006 12:40 PM | Link to this

I was lucky enough to learn some good birthday-party lessons from the very first one my son attended at age 3: -Don’t invite too many kids. Twice your child’s age is more than enough (there were about 3 dozen at this one. You can imagine). -Don’t give out the goodie bags until the attendees are on their way out the door, preferably already in their car seats. Most of the kids lost track of their toys within 30 seconds and the panic reactions went on for the next two hours. -Same goes for cake. The birthday girl’s mom served cake as soon as the snacks were gone and the sugar high was soon followed by overtired grumpiness. As for whether parents should stay at the party with their kids, I’d recommend it, if only to get a really good understanding of your child’s playmates and their parents, such as who not to invite to your parties! When your child comes home from school or daycare and regales you with wild descriptions, it’s hard to understand how much is exaggeration until you meet the people in question. You can socialize with the other adults, but if things get out of hand, it’s a lot easier to take your child and say a quick goodbye than to arrive in the middle of a chaotic situation. Your child is also likely to feel more secure and therefore behave better if you’re around.
I still have vivid memories of that party, and it was over a decade ago!

By anne

March 7, 2006 12:44 PM | Link to this

I think the purpose of sending a thank-you note is to teach one’s CHILDREN how to be polite - and grateful - to those who have taken the time to purchase a gift. Yes, we live in a busy world, but as parents we should take the time to teach our children to be polite, well-mannered and disciplined enough to make a small drawing or note to acknowledge a gift.

By Robin

March 7, 2006 12:48 PM | Link to this

Wow! I see I have much to learn about kid’s birthday parties! My daughter turned 1 in November, and we had a party at home, close family only.

I am like K-mom. I am busy, doing the best I can, and stretched way over my limit for time. I will do the best I can as far as RSVPing, thank you notes, etc., but some of you very organized Mom’s will just have to cut us less organized Mom’s a little slack. And, we less organized Mom’s will also have to give you very organzied Mom’s some slack as well.

The point of the entire birhtday party is to celebrate your child’s day. Let’s not forget that, okay?

Thank you.

By momto3

March 7, 2006 01:01 PM | Link to this

We don’t drop our kids off unless we know the family very well. We usually don’t attend if we don’t know them well, anyway. After a couple of giant birthday parties, my children opt for smaller parties (less than five children- their closest friends). We used to have large parties but my children found that large rowdy groups upset their activities and games. We mail the invitations to their homes and I usually mention to the mom’s that the parties are really small so the kids won’t talk about it at school. As for gifts for others - we usually spend $15.00 -$20.00 for a friend gift and $25.00 for cousins or close family friends. Also, I don’t write thank you notes. An etiquette book I read for children said it is inappropriate to write them for your children. Until they are old enough to write the note themselves (the book suggested age 12!), a verbal, sincere thank you is apppropriate. (I have been talked about for this. But that’s ok -three children and your skin gets thick.) But, I would not judge any family based on the amount the gift costs, whether or not they RSVP’d, whether or not they mailed thank you notes or gave goody bags. It is ultimately more rude to comment on these things than to commit them!

By anne

March 7, 2006 01:06 PM | Link to this

From Emily Post’s Guide

3-5 year-olds

“You will write the majority of these thank-you notes, especially for three-year-olds. Involve your child in the process by explaining what you are doing and showing her the form and content of the card or note.

Leave an area for her to scribble her own greeting—this will make the notes even more touching for the recipients. A three to five-year-old might want to draw a picture (possibly of the gift) that can be included with the note. Many four and five-year-olds are learning how to write their names. Ask them to sign the card. They’ll be proud to do it, and Aunt Pearl will get to see how well her nephew can write.” http://www.emilypost.com/etiquette/holiday/kidsthanku_notes.htm

By momto3

March 7, 2006 01:13 PM | Link to this

Thanks for the info Anne. I think my way is easier though, LOL. I would like to clarify that I do write notes to relatives who may mail gifts. But I did read an etiquette article that said thank you notes were not necessary when the child could not write and a verbal thank you was given at the party.

By Jk

March 7, 2006 01:18 PM | Link to this

Wow, after reading all that, I never realized how catty and judgemental parents can be over a kid’s party. This is acting more like the children, not adults, to be upset over a simple thank you note or RSVPing or whatever. I have 5 and 3 year olds, and it’s discouraging to see how some people can be so easily offended, and how I better think of everything, and behave just so, so as not to “offend” anyone. Like walking on eggshells. I don’t need the stress over something that should be fun. Thinking it over, maybe we’ll just skip inviting any “friends” since expectations are so high, and other bday parties, and just have quiet, pleasent parties with just the 4 of us (including husband). Sigh, what happened to compassion, understanding, and giving people the benefit of the doubt? Haughtiness and self righteousness rule again in our complaining society. Don’t worry about what you get, think about how you can give. If the parent doesn’t send a thank you note, get over it and be friendly with them anyway!

By momto3

March 7, 2006 01:21 PM | Link to this

Amen JK! Double Amen!!

By GR

March 7, 2006 01:29 PM | Link to this

The birthday party thing is quite a battleground, and no one has even touched on my issue - that my son (age 3 3/4) usually melts down at them…..but maybe Theresa has that topic planned for another time.

Anyway, regarding the Chuck E Cheese issue where other family members “crash” what is supposed to be a “kids” party, yes it is so rude. I read an article in Parenting magazine last year that said its ok to put something like “one child and adult please” in the invitation to avoid this from happening. It sounded like a great idea and I would think that most parents with kids would understand.

As for the other points, I usually spend $10 - $15 on a gift and make sure I provide a gift receipt, just in case. I also include batteries if the gift needs them.

Right now my son just goes to parties of his playgroup friends, but as he gets older I will probably have to decide which ones he should and shouldn’t go to based on how well we know them and where it is (because of the meltdown factor).

By anne

March 7, 2006 01:31 PM | Link to this

Nobody on the “good manners” side of this informal debate seems to be passing judgement on those who do not agree with our position, we are just stating our position. I personally worry about children who are raised without good manners but do not believe forgetting to rsvp is the end of the world - I have done it myself!

By Jesse's Girl

March 7, 2006 01:34 PM | Link to this

People…its not about making things more difficult. RSVPing is about making things easier on the host/hostess. That way they know who to expect and what to buy. It is a show of respect. And I never even touched on thank you notes. Though most of you have very insightful ideas on them. My take has always been….if its family, saying it will usually suffice. Unless of course they go way overboard! But with friends and casuals, you should send the note. I always send one and let my 3 year old scribble something. My older 2 are able to make one themselves. Some feathers have been ruffled by what seems to be a simple mention of manners. You all have to admit, they have become less and less evident these days. I realize each and every one of us has exceedingly busy lives…some more than others. But not one of us is so busy that we can’t take a few minutes to give a call and say “Hey! We will be there”.

By singlemom

March 7, 2006 01:36 PM | Link to this

I always felt the “urge” to put on invitations “if you do not RSVP, I will assume you are not attending, therefore I will not include you in my numbers”. LOL. I never did that, but was tempted several times…….. BTW I ALWAYS RSVP, no matter who the invite is from, be it for a child’s birthday party or an adult party……

By Julie

March 7, 2006 02:14 PM | Link to this

My son will be 5 at the end of this month and I’m in the midst of planning his party. We’ve held it at home every year and have only invited those closest to him at pre-school in the past. This year in Pre-K, however, the precident has been set to invite the whole classroom. Maybe I’m too soft for giving into it, but I don’t want my son (or his friends) to be disappointed on his birthday. It will be the first year we’ve had a birthday party outside the house and I, too, am a bit worried about the added expenses of parents and extra children. At $13 per child, it will certainly add up fast! But since I would never drop my child off at a birthday party where (a) I didn’t know the majority of adults attending and, especially (b) it was being held at a public venue (not at this age, anyway), I only expect other parents to do the same. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that only half of the 20 being invited will show up. LOL

And, yes, please make it a point to RSVP! It is frustrating when you can’t plan accordingly.

As for gifts, I usually spend $15 per child and only buy one for parties we attend (family and close friends are considered separately).

By the time my 2 year-old gets to Pre-K, I hope to be an old hat at this! ;)

By singlemom

March 7, 2006 02:20 PM | Link to this

I used to take cupcakes into my child’s school in the days of pre-K through 2nd grade. I would always check with the teacher first to be sure it was ok. That’s way cheaper than a party anywhere and everyone gets a cupcake……at that age, you don’t really need more. Plus the birthday kid gets treated a little special and everyone is happy.

By jill

March 7, 2006 02:32 PM | Link to this

The comment about goodie bags got my attention…this is the first time I’ve heard of parents putting in a generic thank you card and I agree it is very tacky! However, I like the idea of goodie bags in general and I always do them for my daughter’s parties. We make a special trip to the store to pick out small gift bags and the items to fill them, and then she helps me decorate the bags and put her guests names on them. I don’t think this practice came about because of “greedy” children who couldn’t go to a party and not receive anything! We do it to enforce to our daughter that giving and receiving go hand in hand and that the party is not all about her, it’s about everyone having fun.

By Mom to 2

March 7, 2006 02:48 PM | Link to this

I have a party coming up at the end of the month for my daughter, who will be two. We’re planning to have it at the local park, in an effort to provide a large play area and to cut down on expense. Unfortunately, we do not have a yard or house that accomodates crowds.

I was originally planning to invite her class of 8 children. I just added up the number of siblings who would probably tag along, as well as close friends outside of school and, before I knew it, I had 32 children on the list! (It seems silly not to allow siblings to tag along to the park.Adding in adults, and we could easily be up to 45 people.)

I am pretty intimidated by planning some sort of entertainment for such a large group. This hasn’t been a problem in the past, because my first child is mainly friends with other first children. I thought I was becoming a veteran at little tyke birthday parties until I just compiled a possible guest list.

Have those of you who have smaller gatherings had to deal with hurt feelings from your own close friends whose children weren’t invited? How do you handle keeping the party manageable?

By singlemom

March 7, 2006 03:06 PM | Link to this

You might try having a couple of small gatherings. Let your child invite X number of friends, for example, on a Saturday from 1:00 to 3:00, then have another small gathering with family and friends for BBQ or munchies, either later that day or another date……Kind of like a continuous party, with a break for naps…..etc….and if you do it at your home (if possible) that helps a little on the wallet too, plus the afternoon guests can bring a dish……

By fk

March 7, 2006 03:09 PM | Link to this

To K Mom:

Regarding my comment about the thank you note, read the entire sentence. Teach the child how to properly acknowledge a gift, or simply do not acknowledge the gift at all. To include a generic thank you in a goodie bag is tacky. That’s an opinion, not a judgment. Your mom gave good advice.

By singlemom

March 7, 2006 03:31 PM | Link to this

I wouldn’t stress too much over a b-day party for any child under the age of 4. They don’t understand birthdays at that age, and the parties are usually for the parents anyway.

By Sue

March 7, 2006 03:36 PM | Link to this

The one thing my husband put his foot down on was no excessive birthday parties for the kids. He grew up poor so birthdays were not a big deal to him, actually they still aren’t, but we are working on that. His reaction to birthdays, whoopee…you and what…three million other people too? We keep them small and private and generally just for family. It’s not our nature to have an ostentastious display for a kids birthday party for show, to out do the Jones down the block. What values are you teaching your kids with this? What do you do next year to top it? This is your idea of good parenting? Luckily for us, the kids show little interest in the birthday parties of other kids. If they want to go, they can and they must use part of their allowance to buy the kid a gift, with this rule in place….suddenly the party is not so special afterall. I concern myself more with the values I instill upon my children, not being able to wow some kids I don’t know and parents I wish I’d never met.

By Susie

March 7, 2006 03:39 PM | Link to this

Elaine, I am as confused as you are, because when my kids were little enough to GO to Chuck E. Cheese, there’s no WAY I’d drop them off and leave them. Additionally, there’s no WAY I would want to be left with a bunch of other people’s little kids without any of the parents staying. I don’t want the responsibility of watching all those kids, there’s no way you can keep your eye on all of them at the same time when they are running around playing. Suppose someone whose kid was at my kids party got snatched by some pervert while I was supposed to be watching them?? NO WAY.

At a place like that, I would REQUIRE that at least one parent stay with their child, because kids young enough to go to CEC are too young to be dropped off and left. That place gets too wild and there’s no way I’d leave my child there knowing full well there’s no way the host can watch all those kids!

By Susie

March 7, 2006 03:43 PM | Link to this

GR, your son will most likely outgrow the meltdowns…his age (the “threes”)is famous for meltdowns. I think small kids get too overstimulated at some events, and birthday parties are definitley overstimulating! (for me too!)

By Sarah

March 7, 2006 03:47 PM | Link to this

The thought of an RSVP for a birthday party for a five year old strenghtens the arguement that being a parent should be a privledge that only those who have completed a course study and a series of test should be able to do. After reading these post I will never again ask why some kids today are the way they are. The fruit never falls far from the tree, God help some of you, nature sure didn’t.

By Susie

March 7, 2006 03:58 PM | Link to this

Sarah, have you ever planned a birthday party for a child? Or for any reason? Did you read the person who is having her child’s party at a place where it’s $13 per child? You usually have to pay that up front. If she doesn’t know someone is coming, how can she pay for them to be there upfront? Should she just pay for however many kids she invited and hope they show up? NO, she needs to know who is coming and who isn’t. When we’ve had a casual pool party for one of my kids birthdays, I didn’t worry too much about who showed up and who didn’t…but the times I had to shell out money “per child,” I needed to know, and if I didnt’ hear from them, I usually called them up to find out if they were planning to be there. I’m not made of money and can’t throw away money for people who can’t bother to let you know if they are coming or not.

By Sarah

March 7, 2006 04:20 PM | Link to this

Susie, I have children, I have hosted birthday parties. They were light and fun and casual, much like the minds of the guest of honor, a child. These overblown displays aforementioned in these post are for the sake of the egos of the…for lack of a better word, I will insert parent here. Good parenting is like class, one cannot buy it or rent it, it is innate.

By Jesse's Girl

March 7, 2006 04:32 PM | Link to this

Oh, wait! Do the rest of you smell that? Smells like a “judgement” to me! It amazes me that some of you can cast your shadows on the opinions of others, calling into question the class of some of these bloggers! And all for what? Offering a differing view point? Honestly, go have a glass of Pinot Noir, its almost happy hour and you…Sarah…obviously nees one.

By E. Lewis

March 7, 2006 04:55 PM | Link to this

For several years my sister would invite friends and family from her husband’s family to her daughter’s parties. They rarely if ever showed up and most of them never returned the favor. My sister eventually stopped sending them invitations and don’t you know that some of the parents of these close relatives had the audacity to be offended.

By LH

March 7, 2006 04:56 PM | Link to this

A couple of comments.

If one of my children is invited to a party & I may need to bring their sibling I always ask the birthday child’s parent first. In all cases I’ve been told it was no problem. I’ve said the same thing when I’ve hosted parties, but had one mom pay the cost for her second child (even though I told her not to).

As for thank you’s. They are only obligatory when the child giving the gift is not present when the birthday child opens the gift. If you thank them in person then no note is necessary. In all other cases thank you notes are sent.

Once my SIL called me to say she’d mailed the invitations for my nephew’s birthday party. At that point I told her we would be coming. The next day when the invitation arrived I didn’t RSVP since she knew we were coming. When we arrived at the party the first think out of her mouth was “oh, I didn’t know you were coming” I guess she was p** because we didn’t RSVP twice. I think she has a problem.

By Jesse's Girl

March 7, 2006 05:03 PM | Link to this

OK, scratch that. LH, your sister in law needs the happy hour elixir!

By SJ

March 7, 2006 05:14 PM | Link to this

Several years ago I read recommendations in parenting books that the number of guests should equal the age of the child. I have found this to work very well.

I have never invited all of the children in the class. The day is for my child and they should be able to spend the time socializing with their “friends”. They don’t socialize with everyone in their class so, why should they be forced to invite them to their party. My children identify the friends they want to invite (based on the quantity we set). This has really prevented any RSVP problems as the invited friends are children they socialize with anyway and we already know the parents. I always mail the invitations to the invited guests. I don’t like handing them out at school for a couple of reasons. 1. not everyone is getting an invitation and 2. sometimes they get misplaced and never make it to the parents. I also like to mail them because most children enjoy receiving mail.

I never drop my children at parties unless they are in the homes of close friends and then its only been with the agreement of the hosting parents after I’ve offered to lend a hand where needed. And, I never dropped them when they were young. (Sleep overs are an exception - again, only at the homes of parents we know and trust.)

Parents are always welcome to hang out at any party we have. I do NOT feel obligated to buy for them or siblings if the event is not in my home. And, I do NOT expect to be fed or to have my invited child’s sibling fed when we choose to stay at a party.

We spend $15 to $20 on gifts (depending on the relationship).

I encourage the sending of Thank You’s but have to admit, they occasionally get missed. Due to our hectic schedule sometimes it just falls off the radar. Yes, I feel bad but in the grand scheme of things, I can live with myself.

I always RSVP!!! but I don’t send gifts if we are unable to attend.

Also, our children (6 and 9) are given a choice. A party with your friends, or “to go somewhere”, just the 4 of us. Our 6 year old chose the “go somewhere” option twice, and our 9 year old has elected this option for his 10th. The “go somewhere” can be the zoo, Hilton Head, TN aquarium, fishing, whatever. Mom and Dad come up with ideas and the birthday child gets to choose.

Its supposed to be fun - not chaotic and stress filled!

By SJ

March 7, 2006 05:15 PM | Link to this

Several years ago I read recommendations in parenting books that the number of guests should equal the age of the child. I have found this to work very well.

I have never invited all of the children in the class. The day is for my child and they should be able to spend the time socializing with their “friends”. They don’t socialize with everyone in their class so, why should they be forced to invite them to their party. My children identify the friends they want to invite (based on the quantity we set). This has really prevented any RSVP problems as the invited friends are children they socialize with anyway and we already know the parents. I always mail the invitations to the invited guests. I don’t like handing them out at school for a couple of reasons. 1. not everyone is getting an invitation and 2. sometimes they get misplaced and never make it to the parents. I also like to mail them because most children enjoy receiving mail.

I never drop my children at parties unless they are in the homes of close friends and then its only been with the agreement of the hosting parents after I’ve offered to lend a hand where needed. And, I never dropped them when they were young. (Sleep overs are an exception - again, only at the homes of parents we know and trust.)

Parents are always welcome to hang out at any party we have. I do NOT feel obligated to buy for them or siblings if the event is not in my home. And, I do NOT expect to be fed or to have my invited child’s sibling fed when we choose to stay at a party.

We spend $15 to $20 on gifts (depending on the relationship).

I encourage the sending of Thank You’s but have to admit, they occasionally get missed. Due to our hectic schedule sometimes it just falls off the radar. Yes, I feel bad but in the grand scheme of things, I can live with myself.

I always RSVP!!! but I don’t send gifts if we are unable to attend.

Also, our children (6 and 9) are given a choice. A party with your friends, or “to go somewhere”, just the 4 of us. Our 6 year old chose the “go somewhere” option twice, and our 9 year old has elected this option for his 10th. The “go somewhere” can be the zoo, Hilton Head, TN aquarium, fishing, whatever. Mom and Dad come up with ideas and the birthday child gets to choose.

Its supposed to be fun - not chaotic and stress filled!

By Dragon

March 8, 2006 06:41 AM | Link to this

Birthday parties are supposed to be fun and for the kids. As for the goodie bags, I hate getting them for other kids becuase I think it is a waste and I hate getting them becuase most of the time, they are useless things that end up making a clutter in the car or home and end up in the trash.

RSVP is important in order to make plans for preparation. Maybe I live too far south, but usually, any party is for everyone, all siblings and parents are welcome, otherwise they wouldn’t be invited. Just bring your smile and fun side and let the kids have fun.

One other thing, again, what day is being celebrated????? the CHILD’s Birthday. Lesson for giving and recieving can be dealt with in many other ways and another time. I think everyone should have a day once a year that is considered their day. That only leaves a person’s Birthday. It isn’t thought of in this manner for children, but a Birthday should be the celebration of life, the official day this person arrived in the world. It is THEIR day. Gifts for that person alone.

I have done the Chik-Fil-A thing, the Chuck-e-Cheese, and skating rinks and swimming pool parties. Most of the time, around here, no goodie bags. I Love it. Some people do the RSVP thing, those that do, some say not coming and show up, some say coming and don’t show and never call or anything to apologize. That helps weed out folks when that happens.

As for thank you notes, I prefer the true personal approach, open your gift, read your card, and say thank you before touching another gift. I think an e-mail or paper thank you note is not as personal or meaningful as something said in person.

By Paula

March 8, 2006 08:28 AM | Link to this

I like the idea of a “regrets only” RSVP. I learned this little trick from my sister in law. I also include my email address for people to RSVP to. It gives people a choice.

My son is 4 and is in preschool. We are invited to a party at least 2 times a month. I only let him go to the parties of his “inner circle” of friends. The kids that I hear him talk about and the ones that I see him playing with. I usually try to buy gifts for the kids for about $10 or $15 and they are books, movies, etc. I’m sure that they already have plenty of toys like my son.

I am always astounded by the goody bags. We went to one this past weekend that must have cost $20 per kid and there were about 20 kids there. It was amazing. Sadly my goody bags will never compare. I think I spent about $2 per kid for 10 kids.

By Momto3boys

March 8, 2006 08:29 AM | Link to this

We’ve had all of our parties at home and the best thing I ever did was hire 2 teenagers from church to do face painting, tattos, and play games with the kids while I got things ready. The teens then helped serve and cleaned up before they left. The girls loved playing with the kids and the extra money I certainly appreciated the help and enjoyed being at the party instead of stressing out!

By Nan

March 8, 2006 08:35 AM | Link to this

SJ, I think you’ve got it. The only thing you didn’t touch on was the goodie bag. Yes, I give them. My child enjoys putting them together for his friends. Usually, there is a toy in the bags that we use for a planned game, like a bandanna. They are very cheap and I always buy a couple extra in case one goes missing and there is a meltdown. One issue that I keep seeing is that parents want to blame their busy schedule for not writing thankyou notes or rsvping. All I can say about that is that I am extremely busy and still manage to do both. I feel that if you can manage to carve time out of your busy schedule to plan a party and write invitations, then you better manage to find time to write a thank you for the presents. So far as rsvps, that is simply good manners. Too few people have manners today and it is a shame. I always RSVP and will make sure that my children also understand the importance of respecting other people.

By SJ

March 8, 2006 08:51 AM | Link to this

Regarding goodie bags. I stopped giving them a few years ago. After a few school events and parties, the kids usually already have multiples of everything that they receive in a goodie bag. Instead, we give out items like a Nerf toy, a pool toy if its a pool party, water guns if its something outside, the big balls, stuff like that. I find it more economical and the kids end up with something they seem to enjoy more anyway. Many of our friends/acquaintenances have taken the same approach.

We attend parties where we receive goodie bags/guest gifts and we attend parties where we don’t. The children have never commented when they don’t get something. They enjoy the party and don’t attend for the “present” they’ll be send home with. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer on this one. Its all about personal choice.

Regarding thank you cards, Nan, I agree with you, even though I hate to admit we’ve missed a few.

By Monica

March 8, 2006 09:03 AM | Link to this

Jesse’s Mom! Sweetie, lighten up. If you don’t trust the parents of the kid having the party, don’t go! There is nothing worse for a kid to have to have a parent tagging along usurping any fun that might happen. Life is a scary place. Get used to it.

You need to pick your battles a little bit better. Save it for when your little girl wants to date a 30 year old when she is 13, because I am sure with all the over-protection you are giving her, she’ll want out from under you ASAP.

And BTW, you are sitting in judgement, and yes, so am I!

By michelle

March 8, 2006 09:06 AM | Link to this

wow! There certainly are a lot of opinions on kids’ birthday parties to be had! Here’s my .02 cents. I don’t leave my child at birthday parties alone, unless one of the girls I use for babysitting is present. The best birthday party we ever attended was at another familys’ home, where the mom had “Cinderella” come and do magic, face painting, and balloon animals. The children had a great time, the moms had an opportunity to kick back and socialize, and it didn’t cost per kid. It was done by a company called Copykats. Thank you notes; I believe these should be sent out, no matter what. It’s just polite! We spent $15-20 on a gift.

By Nan

March 8, 2006 09:15 AM | Link to this

I love hearing all the great ideas for “easier” parties, especially the one where teenagers were hired to help out and the Cinderella party. Any more suggestions?

By Susie

March 8, 2006 09:52 AM | Link to this

Sarah, 95% of my kids parties have been at home or by the pool, light, casual affairs. But there have been a few times, as my kids have gotten older that they’ve asked for a party at the skating rink or Discovery Zone, or one of those type places. I don’t see a thing wrong with doing that if that’s what the child asks for.

If I have a party at my house, I don’t care if people let me know whether or not they are coming, I am going to have the same amount of food and drinks on hand anyway. (more than enough, that is.) But if I have to pay for X number of kids to play at DZ, and they plan the cake and food for that many kids, is it really unreasonable to want to know how many to pay for? I don’t have as much of a problem paying for someone who don’t show up as I do NOT paying for people because I didnt’ hear from them, then having them show up with a couple of extra kids in tow.

If you can’t see that it’s just plain RUDE to do that to someone, when you know full well that those parties are paid for by-the-kid, I just don’t know what to tell you.

It’s just your opinion that people have parties that aren’t like your kids “just for the adults,” because I have never had one anywhere but home unless one of my kids asked for it. I don’t know of a SANE adult that would WANT to ever set foot inside a Chuck E. Cheese (did it once, never again!), rather than having a nice quiet party at home.

By midgitary

March 8, 2006 10:02 AM | Link to this

I remember as a child, because we were a military family, not only did we not have a great deal of money, we didnt know many families well because we moved from place to place a lot.

That being said my mom tried to make it fun for all of us kids…First, she always wrote “RSVP’s appreciated” on the invite, this cut down on not knowing who was coming and not coming.

Second, she also wrote “Please do not bring gifts”…two reasons for this…one: we got enough gifts from family and friends that didnt see us all that much (and the more gifts we got, the more we had to pack and lug with us on the next move smile) and two: we personally couldnt afford to buy gifts for other kids, even at the PX prices. She didnt think it fair that they should bring gifts when we couldn’t reciprocate.

We also invited all the kids on the base. Older, younger, middle…because most of these kids were in the same boat as us and feeling left out in a strange place was no fun at all.

Those were things my mom did.

By jennifer

March 8, 2006 10:35 AM | Link to this

I’ve always RSVP’d when it comes to my children being invited to parties. However, I do not send thank you notes and neither did any of the parents of the children who attended my children’s parties. I never thought twice about it because at some point before the children left their parents always said thank you and I am quite satisified with that.

I always prefered that parents drop their children off at my house rather than hanging around. I have never had a parents stay at my house while the party is going on and I’m glad. I had enough to deal with just trying to keep the kids entertained without worrying about what their parents were doing. And as far as parents and siblings attending the birthday party: I think if they attend they should pay for themselves. You are already footing the bill for the entire party and for them to expect to eat and not have to pay for it, or at least pitch in, is very rude. I even think it’s ok to let them know in advance that if they want to attend they will have to chip in. Telling them is no more rude than when your children attend field trips and parents are told they must pay for themselves if they want to attend. If they get offended by it then oh well. Too bad.

Goodie bags are silly. The children will lose everything in them and most of the stuff is crap anyway. It will be lost or broken within a couple of weeks. I’ve done them before but I learned my lesson and I do not bother with them anymore. I’m already footing the bill for food, cake, ice cream, and entertainment. Why bother with goodie bags? The party is for the birthday child(ren) and not those who attend. Sure, it’s cute to hand them out but really, let’s be real here, it’s really quite silly.

And, I used to send a gift even if my child(ren) were unable to attend the party until I read in a party etiquette book that you are not expected to. However, if the child was a close friend of my child(rens) then we would go ahead and send a gift/card. Sometimes if the friend was not that close we would just send a card.

Ladies, don’t get upset with other parents because they don’t do things the way you think they should be done or because they do things differently than what you do. The bottom line is this: It’s a child’s birthday party and not an etiquette contest. Let the kids have fun and don’t get your feathers in such a ruffle if the other parents don’t respond like you think they should. It’s about the children having fun.

By Jesse's Girl

March 8, 2006 10:38 AM | Link to this

It just befuddles me that as mothers with differing opinions and obvious differences on how we raise our children…that we can’t honor our respective view points. Never in any of my posts did I say that anyone was less than for their opinion. All I said was that it was highly irresponsible to leave your child unattended at a party. I don’t think that makes me hyper overprotective. Nor does that mean that my daughter will shack up with a 30 year old man at the age of 13 to escape me…that was just mean! It is really sad that some of you can’t use this forum in the spirit in which it was created……to give all mothers a place to bounce ideas off of eachother! We need to support one another, not tear eachother down for speaking a personal belief or point of view.

By Mother-of-4

March 8, 2006 10:40 AM | Link to this

I have always been the type of mom who ALWAYS had to staged the grandest birthday parties ever til just a couple of years ago. We’ve had Chuckie Cheese Parties, 6 Flags and American Adventure Parties. (All very expensive, and unmemorable!!)

A couple of years ago, when my daughter had turned 5, We were strapped for cash, had just had major surgery and was out of work. So we decided to have an “at home party” instead of blowing our budget. So we invited a couple of her friends, bought a cake, ice cream, a couple of bags of balloons, and then rented a helium tank for 17 bucks.(Entire party was less than $60)

I remember at the end of the party, after all the kids had spent 2 hours running around the yard like maniacs, playing games. We gathered them all in a circle to release the leftover helium balloons into the air. As all the balloons were released, my little girl hugged me around my legs and said, “This is the bestest birthday ever”…

and it was.

By momofone

March 8, 2006 10:44 AM | Link to this

I have a son who will be eight this summer. We have given him a birthday party every year at home. We believe birthdays are to be celebrated and will continue to do so each year. Although this year we are going to take him and three of his friends out for games and dinner, then back home for cake and ice-cream.
I think the RSVP is for the host and is really appreciated. It really helps when I know how many people I am planning the party for.
I would never drop my son off and leave him. Speaking from experience, it’s to much to ask the host to host the party and keep an eye on your child. The price of the gift is based on the child and there are some occassions where we do buy a gift even when we don’t attend the party. I don’t have that issue but, I would never invite my son’s whole class to his birthday party. It is for his friends and he is old enough to let me know who he wants to invite.

By SJ

March 8, 2006 10:51 AM | Link to this

Jesse’s Girl - I agree with some of what you’ve written. In some situations, I also feel it is irresponsible to “drop” your kid at a birthday party. But, I also think age and location play a role. I would never drop my kids at Star Time and similar locations. There are too many people not affiliated with the party around and every hosting family I’ve encountered at these parties has made no effort to watch any of the children. “Here is your game card…now go.” If its not a location I would “drop” my kids at on a normal basis - I don’t drop them period.

By jennifer

March 8, 2006 10:55 AM | Link to this

Ok, is anyone else still having difficulty posting? When I post I get an error but my posts seem to be working.

By anne

March 8, 2006 10:59 AM | Link to this

I am sitting here shaking my head. I don’t know how we got to this state - a world in which people who encourage politeness and good manners are scoffed at by those “too busy” for such “trivialities.” Thank goodness my mother is not around to read some of these posts.

By jamie e

March 8, 2006 11:02 AM | Link to this

Ok, I admit it!! I am one of those bad mothers who does not RSVP to every invitation! There I said it!!! LOL Crucify me! :o)

I only RSVP to parties my child will be able to attend. I figure common sense would tell the mother if I don’t answer, we aren’t interested. With two kids, each with different classmates, that is about 35-40 parties a year. No offense moms, your kid’s anniversary of passing through the birth canal is not that important to me or mine and we usually have better things to do.

I let my daughter pick 3 or 4 parties to attend out of the many she is invited to. One of us always accompany her to the door, meet the parents, give them contact info of how to reach us and verify when the party will be over and when they want the kids picked up by.

Gifts are usually around 20 bucks, give or take a few dollars. One party my daughter was invited to the kid actually had a gift registry set up for people to buy him his presents. That, in my opinion, is a little out of hand!!!!

When my daughter had her birthday party, I let her invite one close friend, and the rest was family. Next year she will be able to have two spend the night (she is 7) depending on how well the other kids act. No I did not make her write thank you notes, she told everyone thank you when she opened her gifts. I think people get a little too high strung over thank you notes around here. We fed and entertained your child all day, but we don’t expect a thank you note from you, don’t expect one from us. Call it even and move along!

By Nan

March 8, 2006 11:02 AM | Link to this

Re: Jesse’s girl response. I agree with you on feeling that you should attend the party along with your child. It only makes sense that as a resposible parent that we should make sure that they are in a safe environment AND that the host parent is not overwhelmed. I know that my child can certainly be a handful when it is just the two of us, so I can’t imagine a stressed out host being able to watch over a large group of sugar-crazed kids! I always offer to help when I attend a party and I really appreciate help offered when I am the host. However, I do not expect the parent to cater to me. I usually sit back, observe, take a few pictures, help when it is obviously needed, and thank the host for a good time.

Simple outdoor parties work the best for me when I host, with plenty of planned activities taht do not involve my child’s toys. (That usually starts arguments over who gets to use it) Instead, I use the goody bags, silly as that may seem, to serve as entertainment. They are not meant to be expensive keepsakes, but merely disposable toys for the afternoon. If they take them home and play with them for a couple of weeks afterward, then all the better. After all, it is a birthday party, kids like to be silly, so why not? It certainly isn’t about the money spent, but how much the kids enjoy themselves.

By DPR

March 8, 2006 11:15 AM | Link to this

I feel like I am entering the lion’s den!

When my children get invited to parties of other children in the neighborhood or from the church we try to attend and bring a small gift…I usually contact the parent ahead of time to find out what their child is interested in and what’s age-appropriate. The price range is usually $8-15, depending on how well we know the family and/or child.

If we cannot attend, we at least send a card with our well wishes and the kids sign the cards as best they can. If someone was thoughtful enough to invite us, the least we can do is acknowledge their special day. They are still young so I have no experience with school parites yet. Guess I better learn quick.

As for RSVPs, I always repsond when one is present as a courtesy to the parent who has put time and effort into planning the event. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I’ve only had small, family parties for my 2 kids because being a single dad, money is tight and time is limited. They enjoy it and we have great memories without all the fanfare. When they get older if they want to go to a park or zoo then I will be happy to help plan that for them.

By SJ

March 8, 2006 11:24 AM | Link to this

Jennifer, re parents hanging around - I seriously doubt any of them would expect you to entertain them. Why is it you object to parents staying?